leaving a spouse

[sbgrace]

I would suggest you both get assessed for depression, and treated if it's present. If he's depressed, you may well have the spouse you forgot existed after he's treated. If you're depressed too, just taking the step to seek treatment might be hard. If you have a real life support, ask that person to hold you to getting help. Remember that it takes a while for anti-depressants to work. I'd address mental health issues before marriage counseling. It's going to be hard for a depressed person to make changes.

[texasmama]

(((hugs)))

 

Get yourself some counseling and medication, if needed, for your depression. Depression is a dark lens through which everything in life is viewed.

 

I left a marriage when my oldest child was 18 months old. Divorce and single parenting were harder than I ever imagined. Sometimes I still have the occasional regret. My finances were changed for the negative permanently. I remarried 15 years ago. Marriage is still not any walk in the park. I think it's the hardest thing I've done. I've learned that my perspective can change dramatically over a short period of time. I've learned that being happy in a marriage is as much my responsibility as my dh's.

 

Single was hard, married was hard, divorced and single parenting was hard, sharing responsibility for our college age dd with my ex is still sometimes hard, being remarried is hard. It's all just different kinds of hard. A lot of the "hard" is between my ears.

 

About a year ago, I took myself to a DivorceCare group. My divorce was final in 1998. I went to lay down the baggage I carried from my divorce which happened 15 years prior. There are still broken places from it.

 

(((Hugs))) whatever you decide.

[Catwoman]

I post here, because this is where I've been posting for a long time, and visiting for even I longer. post here because I do home school, and that whether or not I like it, the health of my marriage has a direct impact on children.

currently it is loveless. it could be because of depression stress and general tiredness, but it is loveless nonetheless.

I don't want to hire a divorce lawyer. but separation doesn't sound like a bad idea. Despite the fact that I DO believe a home with both parents is better for kids than a home with only one

You are describing your marriage as loveless, but are you still friends? Do you still do things as a family? Are you concerned that your dh may be interested in someone else? Does loveless mean you are no longer physically attracted to each other? Does loveless mean you don't talk or have conversations any more? Are you arguing and disagreeing all the time?

 

I don't think we have enough information upon which to base any kind of advice or recommendation, but if you could be a bit more specific, I'm sure you will get lots of ideas.

 

I wouldn't stay in a loveless marriage, but I only have one child and I would be able to manage financially. If I had as many children as you have and would need to worry about money if I left, I'm honestly not sure what I would do, particularly if your dh is a good father to the kids.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through such a rough time. How long have you been feeling this way? How long has your dh been acting like he doesn't love you any more?

[Colleen]

Oh, heck.  Why did I open this thread?  This was NOT the bedtime reading I needed given that I'm starting down the road of a divorce ~ against my wishes.  Is a loveless marriage reason enough to end it?  No, I don't think so.  But if the other person doesn't agree, tough luck.  

 

I wrote more but will do the smart thing and edit even before posting. ;-)

[Catwoman]

Oh, heck. Why did I open this thread? This was NOT the bedtime reading I needed given that I'm starting down the road of a divorce ~ against my wishes. Is a loveless marriage reason enough to end it? No, I don't think so. But if the other person doesn't agree, tough luck.

 

I wrote more but will do the smart thing and edit even before posting. ;-)

I'm so sorry, Colleen. :grouphug:

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[Ausmumof3]

Oh, heck. Why did I open this thread? This was NOT the bedtime reading I needed given that I'm starting down the road of a divorce ~ against my wishes. Is a loveless marriage reason enough to end it? No, I don't think so. But if the other person doesn't agree, tough luck.

 

I wrote more but will do the smart thing and edit even before posting. ;-)

I'm sorry things are so tough

[maize]

Oh, heck. Why did I open this thread? This was NOT the bedtime reading I needed given that I'm starting down the road of a divorce ~ against my wishes. Is a loveless marriage reason enough to end it? No, I don't think so. But if the other person doesn't agree, tough luck.

 

I wrote more but will do the smart thing and edit even before posting. ;-)

I am sorry.

[Crimson Wife]

I studied psychology in college and in one of my textbooks there was a section discussing how research has shown that a majority of people who reported being unhappy in their marriages and subsequently divorced reported being unhappy 5 years later. The same study found that a majority of those who reported being unhappy in their marriages but who stayed married reported being happy in their marriages 5 years later. Granted that there is probably selection bias going on as the marriages with the most serious problems would be more likely to fail than those with less serious issues. But it does suggest that there is a lot of "grass is greener" syndrome and people should try to work through their marital difficulties rather than bailing. Not every marriage can or should be saved, and I don't judge those who were unsuccessful in working through the issues.

 

Marriage is hard work and most couples will go through a rough patch from time to time. I believe that love is a conscious choice rather than a feeling and that divorce is something that should be a lot less common in our society than it is.

[Cindy in FL.]

I am very sorry, Colleen!

 

Oh, heck. Why did I open this thread? This was NOT the bedtime reading I needed given that I'm starting down the road of a divorce ~ against my wishes. Is a loveless marriage reason enough to end it? No, I don't think so. But if the other person doesn't agree, tough luck.

 

I wrote more but will do the smart thing and edit even before posting. ;-)

[Above The Rowan]

I left my ex husband because we were both unhappy. He kept putting off counselling so I walked. We agreed that we were both miserable and decided to call it quits before it DID turn into one of us doing something that will damage the other - infidelity or abuse or whatever.

 

We both walked away amicably and with very little residual damage. Both of us are infinitely happier now, the kids are better off.

 

It was hard as a single mom. Very hard. But in the hardest moments it was still better than staying in an empty marriage. Ex and I haven't always stayed amicable. We had some rough spots in our co parenting. But we are on pretty good footing these days. He loves his kids, they love him, and he and I are each happily in new relationships now. My current partner and I have waded through some difficult trials in our relationship - not once has leaving him seemed like the right answer. New partner and I have worked through much more difficult issues than ex and I had ever gone through. Only you can know in your heart of hearts whether the relationship is worth it.

 

As hard as life has been at times, it is still the very best choice I could have made.

[elegantlion]

I hesitated to post as my divorce was final last week and I'm quite happy with the decision (my decision). However, we had years where our bests were not meeting in the middle and I stayed. We knew it, we were tired, we'd had a rough few years in other areas and it just wasn't there. I did not divorce him over that. 

 

However, as a single parent with minimal expenses and one child that is semi-self sufficient, it has still been hard. An income that barely made one household work, is hard to divide between two. I started college for my own goals and to provide some time stability to our household, otherwise my work would have had inconsistent hours and it would be harder to homeschool under that. Everything falls to me, household, bills, maintenance, phone calls, and (so much in the last few weeks) helping out elder parents. Ds is awesome and has chores and took on more, but the reality is I'm the one double checking everything. I'll be honest, I'm content being single, but I am beyond exhausted. 

 

I agree with what others have posted. I also agree this is a season where historically parents are tired. It does get easier. People say teens are challenging, but I found the toddler years more challenging in many ways - feeling tired and on all time being one of them. 

 

I stayed for years because he supported homeschooling and really wanted that for his son. Unfortunately, things didn't just stay "loveless". They moved beyond that and I had to make a different decision. 

I wish you the best in whatever path you choose.  :grouphug:

[Joanne]

Yes; regarding the last 2 posts- I have no personal regrets about my divorce from the kids' Dad. My only regret is staying as long as I did.

 

That said, in terms if personal integrity, I am glad I tried everything else first.

[Alicia64]

I'm just speaking for myself: this isn't directed at anyone. For years and years, I thought our problems were mainly rooted in him. At a certain level there's truth in that. Does he do a, b, and c? Yes he does and yes, it would bother any sane person.

 

I've come to a place that I had only read about in books, but am now putting into practice: I'm working on the reality of who he is and who I am. The reality is: dh is pretty eccentric in certain ways and rather than grit my teeth I'm learning to appreciate who he is.

 

I think, for years, I was trying to get him to be . . . well  . . . more like me.

 

These days, I'm working on myself, my reactions, my responses etc. I'm trying very hard to make love a verb.

 

A good therapist is a great idea. Talking to your dr. about postpartum is a phenomenal idea. Really coming to terms that four kids under ten is brutal -- for both of you -- is paramount. (Nature made them so cute because they're so hard!!)

 

Take all of the hugs these women are sending. ((((They're sincerely meant.))))

 

Alley

[texasmama]

I'm just speaking for myself: this isn't directed at anyone. For years and years, I thought our problems were mainly rooted in him. At a certain level there's truth in that. Does he do a, b, and c? Yes he does and yes, it would bother any sane person.

 

I've come to a place that I had only read about in books, but am now putting into practice: I'm working on the reality of who he is and who I am. The reality is: dh is pretty eccentric in certain ways and rather than grit my teeth I'm learning to appreciate who he is.

 

I think, for years, I was trying to get him to be . . . well  . . . more like me.

 

These days, I'm working on myself, my reactions, my responses etc. I'm trying very hard to make love a verb.

 

 

This is an eloquent description of my experience, as well, particularly the bolded.  It has been very humbling.  I had no good model of marriage in my own family, and what I did observe is deeply rooted in me in ways I was not and am not always aware of.  I often need to get perspective on something between dh and me and when I do, I realize that my thinking is "off". 

 

I still believe that marriage is not my strong suit.  It likely never will be. However, I am loved and I love, and my marriage is valuable to me, to my dh and to my children.  I was infinitely happier on a daily basis prior to having three babies in five years, I will tell you that.  The day to day happiness is coming back with the children getting older.  There are other factors, but having small children (any under the age of 8 or so), it very wearing.  I was completely used up most days.  There was nothing in me to give to anyone else, and my own needs were sorely neglected.  There were other things going on in my life which contributed to this (my mother having a stroke and declining, which meant that I lost both of my parents' practical help due to my dad taking care of her).  During that time, my dh was unemployed for six months, we struggled financially as a result, one child was diagnosed with severe developmental delays, and we had a baby with a birth defect.  Hard life stuff that wore away at us.  He has changed in some ways he needed to.  I have changed in some ways I needed to.  Our conflict is so much less than it was in the past.  We are a much better team.  His parents were divorced early so he had no model, either.  We are making this up as we go, and it is not easy.

 

OP, everyone's experiences are so very different.  I hope you can find some words that resonate with you.  More (((hugs)))

[J-rap]

I'm very sorry about your situation, and I would advise you to not give up on your marriage.  Life is just hard.  You will go through difficult periods whether you're single, married, divorced.  Marriage has ups and downs, just like everything else.  I personally believe that if you and your husband stick it out and work on it, reaching a point of closeness again, that is a great example and gift to give to your children that will benefit them throughout their entire lives. 

 

I would seek a good counselor.  Hopefully your husband will be open to that.  Try and find one that shares your values, and who is perceptive.  So many things play into a marriage.  For example, my husband suffered from migraines for years.  It took us many years to realize that about 24 hours before a migraine he would get depressed and have a lot less patience.  It was just a weird part of his pre-migraine symptoms.  So what used to be a problem in our marriage suddenly became something we could even laugh about.  I would just say, "The kids and I will be doing our own thing for the next 24 hours;  let us know when it's over!"  Or the kids would roll their eyes and say, "Tomorrow at this time Dad will have a migraine!"  There are so many pieces in the puzzle of marriage.  They are complex, but sometimes it can be a relatively simple fix.

 

Best wishes and please don't give up yet.

[Scarlett]

Oh, heck. Why did I open this thread? This was NOT the bedtime reading I needed given that I'm starting down the road of a divorce ~ against my wishes. Is a loveless marriage reason enough to end it? No, I don't think so. But if the other person doesn't agree, tough luck.

 

I wrote more but will do the smart thing and edit even before posting. ;-)

I am so sorry.

[Scarlett]

I had a very very difficult first marriage. In the end I had no other choice but to divorce him. But it has also been very very difficult being divorced. And parts of being remarried are very hard. And co parenting with my ex is hard. I always say I wish I could talk to people who are contemplating blowing up their marriages and give them a view of what it does to everyone. So I guess this is my chance to do that.

 

Please please please work toward solutions other than divorce. You have so many young children and they need their family intact.

[flyingiguana]

If you leave, you still won't have a loving marriage.

 

So is it better to launch out on your own, or to work to make what you have better? Will you be happier on your own?

 

None of us can answer that question for you. But if there is no abuse, you have plenty of time to think this through and get help.

 

If it were me --yeah, if it were truly and completely loveless, I might make the decision to leave. But how would I KNOW that it was loveless? For that, I think I'd need some real heart to heart talks with my husband. And possibly some therapy and some long talks with someone outside the marriage so I could get my feelings out.

 

So if it were me, no matter how I looked at it, I'd probably want to go through the work of figuring out what was wrong before leaving. Just to convince myself it was the right decision.

 

I've never seen a divorce that wasn't a big financial blow to all parties. And single parenting ain't for the faint of heart (even if he's doing NO parenting, he is providing a paycheck, I assume).

 

And there's always the possibility that the marriage may come back together, if you can stick it out.

 

From what I've seen, divorces generally only happen if things truly are irreconcilable -- and that generally means abuse and/or infidelity.

 

I'm not saying you're being petty for wanting more. I just wonder if divorce is really what you want. It looks like an easy out, but it might be a lot worse than what you currently have. And it's possible that a bit of work may make what you have into something you can live with -- or even be very happy with.

 

I just wouldn't let it go without giving it a chance.

[momzilla333]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

This thread brings back such memories.

No advice, just hugs. 

[Joanne]

I'm just speaking for myself: this isn't directed at anyone. For years and years, I thought our problems were mainly rooted in him. At a certain level there's truth in that. Does he do a, b, and c? Yes he does and yes, it would bother any sane person.

 

I've come to a place that I had only read about in books, but am now putting into practice: I'm working on the reality of who he is and who I am. The reality is: dh is pretty eccentric in certain ways and rather than grit my teeth I'm learning to appreciate who he is.

 

 

Although my outcome was different, I agree. I went to therapy to fix "him", stayed to fix me and the part I had control over. I discovered through therapy that my taking care of my side of things was not sufficient to transcend the issues in *my* marriage, so I ended it. But even that isn't accurate. I believe it takes 2 to make a marriage, but one can end it. While I was the *official* ender, I think it was his choices that really, functionally ended it (years before, as it turns out).

[Erin]

I'm so sorry you're struggling through this.  Yes, after 20 years, there have been a couple of times I've felt it just wasn't worth it.  It felt like we were going through the motions, roommates who happened to have a couple of kids.  I didn't track it on a calendar, but the hardest was probably about a year, plus or minus.

 

Fortunately, we managed to work through it.  And it's interesting looking back, how much of what was going wrong was really nothing more than my perception of what I thought it was.  My husband didn't have the same perspective so was pretty clueless.  

On the other side, better than ever, I can say marriage seems to be like the rest of life--made up of seasons and that was simply a season.

 

To the immediacy of your current place, I would recommend something quick and easy with specific steps, like the 30-day Husband Encouragement Challenge.  It IS Christian, but I think even non-believers would get a lot of benefit from the Action Steps.  

Three primary things are going on with a challenge like this:

 

1.  it makes you realize you can not change other people, only your reactions to, and perception of, them.   

2.  It refocuses you, for just a month, to thinking about how you relate to him, rather than our basic human nature of focusing on the reverse.

3.  It gives you a purpose and direction, instead of that feeling of just groping about in the dark, lost and alone.  (As mentioned by a previous poster, love is a verb.  Take action)

 

 

So, while you're finding a counselor, ordering books and whatever else you think might help, start on day 1 right now.  All you have to lose is a few minutes  out of each day for a single month.

[Guest]

I do not have a loving marriage--I was not allowed to take my kids out of the state and neither was the man I used to call my "fiance"; I wonder what ever happened to him?

 

My kids do have a living father, which they wouldn't if I hadn't ended the marriage and forced him to take his substance abuse problem seriously and ultimately overcome it.

 

I am judged or excluded from many social functions and have had to grit my teeth as my blood pressure went through the roof when people who don't know anything about our family reflexively spew, "Wouldn't it be LOVELY if you got back together with your ex?" because they "don't believe in divorce".

 

Maybe they don't believe in gravity either but it still exists.

 

It was worse in the 1970s when I was the only kid in the neighbourhood with a single parent family, but the stigma certainly isn't all the way gone.

 

My kitty loves me.

 

Husbands are not always that easy to replace. Just fyi. If you choose to become single, you may remain that way for the rest of your life. Both of my parents did. I will as well. Sadly, my ex husband's second marriage didn't last either.

 

 

[Colleen]

It was hard as a single mom. Very hard. But in the hardest moments it was still better than staying in an empty marriage. 

 

Last night, I lamented having opened this thread ~ so of course today I came back to pick at the scab. ;-)  This post does offer some consolation.  I don't expect anyone to sing the praises of divorce, but it's worth bearing in mind that some people do experience a better, albeit it different & challenging in its own respects, life after a dissolution. So I can at least hope for that. 

 

I still believe that marriage is not my strong suit. 

 

Same.  

 

Marriage has ups and downs, just like everything else.  

 

Marriage is hard work and most couples will go through a rough patch from time to time. 

 

Of course.  But if your marriage has primarily been one never-ending rough spot, comments like these are pretty frustrating. People who have the typical ups & downs are understandably trying to relate but really, they just can't.  

 

From what I've seen, divorces generally only happen if things truly are irreconcilable -- and that generally means abuse and/or infidelity.

 

Really?  Many divorces don't involve abuse or infidelity.

 

My kitty loves me.

 

*GRIN*  I'm not a pet person but looking down the road, I can see where it might be a comfort.

[Guest]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Colleen))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((rjones_22)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

I really have no advice for either of you, just lots and lots of hugs and an uncontrollable urge to remind you that you are both very brave.

 

Please don't forget that no matter what happens.

 

 

[Scarlett]

Last night, I lamented having opened this thread ~ so of course today I came back to pick at the scab. ;-) This post does offer some consolation. I don't expect anyone to sing the praises of divorce, but it's worth bearing in mind that some people do experience a better, albeit it different & challenging in its own respects, life after a dissolution. So I can at least hope for that.

 

 

Same.

 

 

 

Of course. But if your marriage has been primarily been one never-ending rough spot, comments like these are pretty frustrating. People who have the typical ups & downs are understandably trying to relate but really, they just can't.

 

 

Really? Many divorces don't involve abuse or infidelity.

 

 

*GRIN* I'm not a pet person but looking down the road, I can see where it might be a comfort.

Colleen I am NOT in favor of divorce and breaking up kids FOO but when it is forced upon you, it is important to remember that life does go on and you will find some really great parts on the other side.

[flyingiguana]

 

 

 

Really?  Many divorces don't involve abuse or infidelity.

 

 

Just was pointing out that the ones *I've* seen have fallen into these categories -- so no one questioned the split or talked about how it would be great to get back together.

 

I haven't personally seen all that many. A function of my rather small social group,probably.

[Erin]

People who have the typical ups & downs are understandably trying to relate but really, they just can't.  

 

To be fair, there's really no such thing as "typical" ups and downs.  There's just differences in how couples deal with their challenges..

[flyingiguana]

As a kid, though, I did know a number of other kids whose parents were divorced. And while there were rough spots because of that, for the most part those kids seemed just fine.

 

So I'd divorce if I felt it were necessary and figure that the things would probably work out for the best.

 

But -- only if necessary. While I'm not all for keeping spouses together at all costs, there is a big down side to divorce. I wouldn't advise anyone to do it lightly.

[Colleen]

To be fair, there's really no such thing as "typical" ups and downs.  There's just differences in how couples deal with their challenges..

 

Not sure what you mean by "differences in how couples deal with their challenges" ~ and not sure I should ask...

[Erin]

I'm just saying that there is no such thing as "typical."  

Some couples make it through very difficult things (for example the suicide of their teen, infidelity, or one spouse sending the family into bankruptcy) and some don't.  

 

There's no judgement in that.  It's just a difference.

[Scarlett]

I thought if this thread when I saw this video.

 

 

http://time.com/3542053/this-ridiculously-romantic-ad-aims-to-end-divorce/

[gardenmom5]

fabulous.

I thought if this thread when I saw this video.


http://time.com/3542053/this-ridiculously-romantic-ad-aims-to-end-divorce/

 

[Scarlett]

Not sure what you mean by "differences in how couples deal with their challenges" ~ and not sure I should ask...

My current MIL told my Dh....toward the end of his first marriage....."ds she just does not bring out the best in you".

 

I think of that often. As I get to know my Dh better and hear stories from various people about him and his xw....I see pretty clearly that they just did not know how to relate to each other. I think that happens often and things spiral out of control. She too divorced him against his wishes....I think my Dh is wonderful and I can't imagine anyone divorcing him....but she allowed herself to become dissatisfied with him and she magnified his faults while minimizing her own.

 

Just the other night they were trying to text about a dr. Appt for their son.....Dh was NOT being clear but he felt she was being an idiot. I ask him if I could text the info. He allowed me and she said, " oh now I understand".

 

Likewise she button pushes him.....she forgot about a change in drop off they had agreed to and instead of just saying, "oh I forgot" she says, "well you should have reminded me since you changed Friday's pick up time and didn't even come watch your son march in the band!"

 

So yeah, sometimes couples just can't find a way to get along.

[Colleen]

I'm just saying that there is no such thing as "typical."  

 

Yes, agreed.  You misinterpreted my use of the word "typical" due to my own lack of clarity.  I am saying that it's typical to have ups and downs.  I can't imagine anyone entering into marriage ~ or going through anything in life, really ~ without that expectation. 

[texasmama]

I reached a point in my first marriage at which I liked none of my options. Leaving was choosing the long-term "better bad". That sounds very negative, but my situation was not clear-cut, more like I imagine the OP's situation to be, though I am filling in a LOT of blanks to reach that conclusion regarding the OP. I was emotionally dying in a friendly enough marriage. Many people would have overcome that, and it would have been enough. It was not enough for me. I still regret that it could not be enough for me. I am me, though. I am not another person. I practice self-forgiveness for the failing of my first marriage. My ex is remarried, as am I. Our spouses are both better choices for us than we were for each other. I still wish I had not married and then divorced, but no one can change past actions.

[Erin]

Yes, agreed.  You misinterpreted my use of the word "typical" due to my own lack of clarity.  I am saying that it's typical to have ups and downs.  I can't imagine anyone entering into marriage ~ or going through anything in life, really ~ without that expectation. 

 

No, I was actually speaking to the rest of your comment where you said people having the "typical ups and downs" can't relate… 

[Colleen]

No, I was actually speaking to the rest of your comment where you said people having the "typical ups and downs" can't relate… 

 

Right.  Because "ups and downs" ~ typical or otherwise ~ include ups.  If you don't understand my meaning, then that's confirmation of my point. ;-)

[elegantlion]

Last night, I lamented having opened this thread ~ so of course today I came back to pick at the scab. ;-)  This post does offer some consolation.  I don't expect anyone to sing the praises of divorce, but it's worth bearing in mind that some people do experience a better, albeit it different & challenging in its own respects, life after a dissolution. So I can at least hope for that. 

 

 

 

 

Colleen, 

 

I feel a peace about myself I haven't in years. My home has a different atmosphere. It's not just about me doing what I want either. I feel like me again, a person I haven't in longer than I care to admit. 

 

It's hard to say the bad days got bad enough to end a long-term marriage. It doesn't negate the good times. It still feels odd, but there is a huge chasm between those comments, like they shouldn't be said together as if they don't make sense, but they do. 

 

I wish that peace for you. 

[marbel]

Every one of us is posting from our own experiences and/or observations of others.  What is a loveless marriage to one person may be the perfect marriage to another.  We all have different tolerance for personalities, etc. 

 

I also have been divorced.  I felt so desperate in my day-to-day life in my first marriage.  My life seemed over at age 23; it seemed that I was going to spend the rest of it watching old science fiction movies on tv and living in the same apartment.  I felt ready for death.  Then my husband changed in a way I never expected and I had to leave.  But I probably would have anyway. 

 

Now I am remarried and even with times that seemed loveless I have never felt that same desperation.

 

No one can tell another person that their life is OK, or that their life is terrible.   (No one here is trying to; we are all just sharing our own lives.)

 

Hugs to all who are going through difficult times, whether you are divorcing or not.   I pray you and your children find peace, however it works out.

[Slartibartfast]

My husband and I were having some issues nearly ten years ago now, what we weren't aware of at the time was  that I had developed an autoimmune disease and was falling apart. I am usually pretty easy-going kind of person without much drama. When I started falling apart he *really* didn't know how to deal with that. He had never seen someone just melt down from the inside. 

 

We separated for a year, during that time I was diagnosed and started receiving treatment. We did get back together and we are happy now. I did turn back into the person he married once I wasn't a complete trainwreck from no-sleep and constant pain. I still have pain but it isn't as nightmarish and I can manage it better now than I did then. Dh felt bad that he handled things badly. 

 

I would recommend that you both see a Dr.  In the absence of infidelity and abuse I would try to work on things before divorcing. 

[HS Mom in NC]

No.  Not if it's only a loveless (absence of romantic love) marriage. I'm not a very big believer in romantic love which you should probably know.  If there has been abuse (of people and/or substances) or adultery, that's a different matter entirely and my answer would be very different. There have been several threads in the last year or so on marriage issues, you may want to look at them.

 

Anyone experiencing possible physical and/or mental health issues should have them checked and treated before making any important decision in their life.  Most people show up to marriage counseling when problems are at their biggest, rather than when they just start cropping up. If you're having trouble, see a marriage counselor who can give you objective feedback and expert advice.

 

Remember that your spouse isn't the only worthwhile relationship in your life.  You can spend more time cultivating friendships and interests that aren't spouse related to feel less lonely.  I think our culture sometimes sends a message that spouses are supposed to be the only significant relationship in a person's life and they have to make each other feel happy all the time. I don't agree with that.

 

Part of feeling happy/content/at peace has to do with your own mental state. If what you're responsible for in yourself isn't happening, you can see a counselor about that on your own. Some things are internal and no amount of external can fix them.  I have no idea if that's the case for you, but it is for my dad who's been married and divorced 3 times.  Until he deals with his own serious issues, he's never going to be happy in any marriage.

[Caroline]

Last night, I lamented having opened this thread ~ so of course today I came back to pick at the scab. ;-)  This post does offer some consolation.  I don't expect anyone to sing the praises of divorce, but it's worth bearing in mind that some people do experience a better, albeit it different & challenging in its own respects, life after a dissolution. So I can at least hope for that. 

 

 

Same.  

 

 

 

Of course.  But if your marriage has primarily been one never-ending rough spot, comments like these are pretty frustrating. People who have the typical ups & downs are understandably trying to relate but really, they just can't.  

 

 

Really?  Many divorces don't involve abuse or infidelity.

 

 

*GRIN*  I'm not a pet person but looking down the road, I can see where it might be a comfort.

 

I think this sentence is very important. I am glad you came back and posted this. It is so true that typical ups and downs involve ups. One never-ending rough spot doesn't involve much in the ups category. 

 

I do know plenty of people who have come out the other side of a divorce and were happy people. 

[flyingiguana]

Although my outcome was different, I agree. I went to therapy to fix "him", stayed to fix me and the part I had control over. I discovered through therapy that my taking care of my side of things was not sufficient to transcend the issues in *my* marriage, so I ended it. But even that isn't accurate. I believe it takes 2 to make a marriage, but one can end it. While I was the *official* ender, I think it was his choices that really, functionally ended it (years before, as it turns out).

 

This is so wise.

 

I would add that it's often very hard to see what's going on when you're in the middle of the marriage.  One might just have a sense that things are really not right, without a clear idea as to what they are or  how to fix them.  This is why marriage counseling can be helpful.  You get an outsider's view of things.  And for many marriages, there may be many more options than just ending it.

 

Friends can be helpful.  But sometimes they aggravate the situation, as they may take one person's side if they're asked for advice.  Unless you have a very wise friend, I would depend on them for support, not therapy.  (And if you depend on them for therapy, you may find you don't like your friend all that much afterwards...)