leaving a spouse

[athomeontheprairie]

Currently, I am trapped in a loveless marriage. is that enough of a reason to leave? It doesn't sound like it. Leaving seems SO hard. Staying seems so hopeless.

[Amy in NH]

I don't think it's enough to leave unless there are other major issues that preclude the marriage from being saved. 

 

Love can be rekindled; you (both) just need to make the effort.

 

:grouphug:

[marbel]

:grouphug: :grouphug:     There are too many variables to know.   Does your husband feel the same way?  What would be gained and lost by leaving the marriage? 

 

I've gone through periods in my marriage when I felt that love was gone.  I have felt hopeless sometimes.  Usually these are times when both of us are too busy to connect.  So I make an effort to remember why I married my husband, and I remember that love is a verb, not a feeling, and try to take action.  Sometimes I realize I am just bored - and again I try to take action to relieve the boredom.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:  Do you have someone IRL, and unbiased, you can speak to about it?  

 

 

 

[TravelingChris]

Gently-  I don't know you so take this as a general advice.  I don't know if you are a religious advice or just advice in general.  I have been married almost 30 years and my youngest is turning 18 very soon.  You have four kids, all fairly young and the youngest is only one, according to your signature.  I don't know your family's financial situation either.  But I am a very analytical person and do know some research results on marriages. 

 

First, could you be suffering from postpartum depression that has not resolved?  Can your husband be depressed or under a lot of stress?  Men don't show depression in the same way as women. If either of these problems are an issue, I would suggest attempting to get the stress or the depression under control. 

 

As long as there isn't abuse, adultery or abandonment, I believe it behooves you to try to work on your marriage for the sake of your kids and yourself.  Now that is my opinion based on both my Christian views and the research out there on how intact families are the best place to raise children. 

 

At a minimum, I think you should attempt marraige counseling before making such a drastic decision.

 

YMMV

 

[maize]

Do you have a good marriage therapist?

 

I have seen marriages rekindled; leaving may resolve some challenges but will bring on a whole host of others. I would save that option for truly dire circumstances (I.e. ongoing abuse would be a good reason to get out). That doesn't mean resigning yourself to a loveless marriage. You've been in the trenches of babies and small children for years, there probably hasn't been much time and energy to focus on building up your marriage. Sounds like it is time for that to change. If you will both invest, things can get better--much better.

 

Oh, and if either of you is struggling with depression or other mood disorder, seek treatment. Appropriate mental health treatment is what makes my marriage work (not suggesting there are mental health challenges at play in your marriage, I only know my own circumstances).

[trinchick]

 

  I remember that love is a verb, not a feeling, and try to take action.  

 

 

What a great sentiment.

[Joanne]

Currently, I am trapped in a loveless marriage. is that enough of a reason to leave? It doesn't sound like it. Leaving seems SO hard. Staying seems so hopeless.

 

It is hard to leave, and the consequences go in an acute context until the youngest is 18ish.

 

It is hard to stay, and there are an infinite number of ways staying in a loveless, hopeless marriage plays out.

 

If you were my client, I'd take you through a "pro and con" list for each decision and what life skills and intentionality is needed to make each "work".

 

 

[Timbers6]

My very good friend is contemplating the same. But, she feels emotionally abandoned. He will mumble a good morning and then off to work. Once home, he is irritable and the home has a black cloud over it when he is there (that's my interpretation when I visit or help her out w the kids). He says "I'm fine" when asked if something is wrong. I feel for you and my friend. Advice above is great...but the issues of loneliness and abandonment are really difficult to live with. Gosh, a timeline for improvement, would that help or hurt?

[maize]

My very good friend is contemplating the same. But, she feels emotionally abandoned. He will mumble a good morning and then off to work. Once home, he is irritable and the home has a black cloud over it when he is there (that's my interpretation when I visit or help her out w the kids). He says "I'm fine" when asked if something is wrong. I feel for you and my friend. Advice above is great...but the issues of loneliness and abandonment are really difficult to live with. Gosh, a timeline for improvement, would that help or hurt?

 

This could be depression in the husband. If so, and if she can get him to seek treatment, there is real hope. Men tend to get irritable not weepy when depressed.

 

The challenge is getting them to seek help...

[Joanne]

Coming back to add that divorcing and being a single mom has been hard, hard, hard. My preference would have been a long term partnership for the benefit of the kids. But that could not happen in my situation.

 

I lived with the notion that "divorce was not an option" for 10 years of my 13 year marriage. And I *finally* realized or came to the fact that MY quality of life in terms of joy, abundance, laughter, spirituality, and personal growth was worth leaving the marriage. Towards that end, "a loveless marriage" may be enough for me to leave. Mine was way more than that but loveless may be enough if my life were so diminished that I could not thrive.

[goldberry]

My husband and I were ready to divorce at 5 years.  It felt like there was nothing there...*nothing*...just a great empty space.  We luckily found an amazing marraige counselor. It took about a couple of years to change our habits and destructive behaviors.  But now?  My marriage is the most precious thing in my life.  We are the married couple that makes everyone else roll their eyes at how in love we are.  I thank God every day that I didn't throw this away, even though it was so hard at the time.  

 

I know this is not the case for everyone, and that people have struggled hard too and still had it not work out.  I think the most important factor is: are you *both* willing to put effort into fixing things?  One person can't do it alone.

 

((hugs))

 

ETA, I did not have a child to consider at the time.  I do believe that in *many* cases, it is still better for a child to be raised with two parents, unless there is something particularly destructive going on.  But only you can decide what "destructive" is for you.
"

[Night Elf]

I also think it depends on the husband's situation. Counseling didn't work in my first marriage but I am glad we tried so I could say we tried something drastic. I was so very unhappy. My sister thought it was a stupid reason to divorce but it worked out best for me. My marriage now is so totally different that I realize now my first marriage was such a bad match I"m surprised we lasted as long as we did. But divorce was really hard, and parenting a child together kept us connected on some level. My dd was only 2 when I divorced so I had to work with my ex for 16 years. I was so happy when our dd turned 18.

[athomeontheprairie]

thank you. Everyone. It is HIGHLY possible that I'm depressed, and he's both stressed and depressed.

Coming back to add that divorcing and being a single mom has been hard, hard, hard. My preference would have been a long term partnership for the benefit of the kids. But that could not happen in my situation.

 

I lived with the notion that "divorce was not an option" for 10 years of my 13 year marriage. And I *finally* realized or came to the fact that MY quality of life in terms of joy, abundance, laughter, spirituality, and personal growth was worth leaving the marriage. Towards that end, "a loveless marriage" may be enough for me to leave. Mine was way more than that but loveless may be enough if my life were so diminished that I could not thrive.

I'm so sorry. And thankful that you shared this.

[athomeontheprairie]

My very good friend is contemplating the same. But, she feels emotionally abandoned. He will mumble a good morning and then off to work. Once home, he is irritable and the home has a black cloud over it when he is there (that's my interpretation when I visit or help her out w the kids). He says "I'm fine" when asked if something is wrong. I feel for you and my friend. Advice above is great...but the issues of loneliness and abandonment are really difficult to live with. Gosh, a timeline for improvement, would that help or hurt?

I can't even get a "good morning". :-\

[athomeontheprairie]

Gently- I don't know you so take this as a general advice. I don't know if you are a religious advice or just advice in general. I have been married almost 30 years and my youngest is turning 18 very soon. You have four kids, all fairly young and the youngest is only one, according to your signature. I don't know your family's financial situation either. But I am a very analytical person and do know some research results on marriages.

 

First, could you be suffering from postpartum depression that has not resolved? Can your husband be depressed or under a lot of stress Men don't show depression in the same way as women. If either of these problems are an issue, I would suggest attempting to get the stress or the depression under control.

 

As long as there isn't abuse, adultery or abandonment, I believe it behooves you to try to work on your marriage for the sake of your kids and yourself. Now that is my opinion based on both my Christian views and the research out there on how intact families are the best place to raise children.

 

At a minimum, I think you should attempt marraige counseling before making such a drastic decision.

 

YMMV

I do agree. But how do we move forward?

[maize]

thank you. Everyone. It is HIGHLY possible that I'm depressed, and he's both stressed and depressed.

 

I'm so sorry. And thankful that you shared this.

 

Seek treatment. 

 

The reality is that raising young children is exhausting and stressfull; exhaustion and stress can easily lead to depression--real, biological depression, where the brain is not functioning as it should--and you can't just pull yourself out of it. 

 

Depression can make it impossible to either feel or express love. 

 

Many, many hugs, and I hope you can find effective treatment/therapy and get your marriage and a happy, productive life back. 

 

Anecdote: we've been living this reality for years, my husband struggles with chronic depression that fortunately generally responds well to medication. When he is depressed it is like he is a different person,  a cold, unfeeling person; his real self is completely cut off somewhere the children and I can't reach. When his depression is well managed, he is kind and generous and loving.

[merry gardens]

Currently, I am trapped in a loveless marriage. is that enough of a reason to leave? It doesn't sound like it. Leaving seems SO hard. Staying seems so hopeless.

 

Your signature shows four children under the age of ten, including a one year old.  And you're posting this question on a forum devoted largely to homeschooling. Rather than "loveless" you and your husband may simply be tired.  Romance takes energy! But since you say your marriage feels loveless, regardless of how tired you may be, I suggest that you make extra effort to bring love back into your marriage. 

 

It is not hopeless to stay once the sparks and excitement have died--they can be rekindled. I've been married 25 years.  Those warm, fuzzy, romantic feelings we call "love" can come and go. Real love is staying together so that the feelings can come back again--and they do.  When your taking care of lots of young children with few breaks, the demands of daily life can leave a husband and wife feeling too tired and exhausted to take care of their marriage.

 

Hire a babysitter instead of a divorce lawyer.  Make the time go out somewhere together without the kids--somewhere that isn't a divorce court.  Stay together and discover a deeper love.

[goldberry]

 

Anecdote: we've been living this reality for years, my husband struggles with chronic depression that fortunately generally responds well to medication. When he is depressed it is like he is a different person,  a cold, unfeeling person; his real self is completely cut off somewhere the children and I can't reach. When his depression is well managed, he is kind and generous and loving.

 

:grouphug:  Mental illness is so destructive.  I am happy your DH is willing to get treatment.  Some people are not, which is very sad.

[maize]

:grouphug:  Mental illness is so destructive.  I am happy your DH is willing to get treatment.  Some people are not, which is very sad.

 

Yes, and getting a reluctant adult to seek treatment can be an impossible proposition. I am incredibly grateful not only that my husband has been willing to get appropriate treatment but that medication in his case has been quite effective, I know that it isn't always. He has done therapy off and on as well, but we have had a hard time finding really good therapists. I have found that I cannot let him go off medication--we have done a few trials, and things quickly spiral downward--not only that, but once he is in the clutches of the illness again he doesn't see the point of treatment and doesn't think it will work.

 

In our case medication has absolutely saved our marriage, and probably also saved his life. 

[plansrme]

Divorce is often financially devastating to both spouses. Being poor for a very long time is not fun. I am not saying that this is what should determine whether you stay or go, but please do not ignore the financial implications of your decision.

[bolt.]

I think you might benefit from the idea that, "A long term partnership of living and parenting is good enough, but, better would be better."

 

That puts you in the space that what's happening now is "good enough" -- even though it's not that good. The fact is that single parenting is often catastrophic. There is a difference between putting up with a sad situation in your marriage, vs navagating the high-stakes craziness that a divorce and post-divorce life can become.

 

I have a different issue (a health issue, not mine) so I know that "completely hopeless" and "good enough even though it probably won't get better" are two sentiments that are really close together on the emotional scheme. They can be hard to tell apart. For me, the 2nd one helps me live a much better life. The first one crushes my soul. Perhaps neither of them is terribly healthy, but functioning is important, so I go with what works.

 

That doesn't mean no work on the marriage. It does mean that you are a person that matters, and a less-than-ideal marriage us just one part if who you are. You can work on the marriage on and off, when you have the strength, when you feel inclined to do so.

 

For the rest of the time, I suggest you see a good counsellor/therapist in order to enrich your life and enhance your ability to be independently satisfied and content with your life... In spite of the fact that you spend a few hours daily with Mr. Grumpy pants... and in spite if the fact that you were led to believe you would always have a loving life partner relationship, and now you are required to do life without it.

 

Those are big "in spite ofs" -- but people exist who live with that and thrive anyways. People loose spouses (in the concrete sense, not emotionally "loose them" as love in their lives). People have jobs or lives that involve dealing with difficult people (though not always the same difficult people who are supposed to be loving them -- but sometimes, yes, such as ailing mean elderly parents, disturbed family members, etcetera).

 

You are not a delicate flower. People do it, and so can you. It's a crummy hand to be handed... But if you'd rather not divorce, you can find ways of rationalizing it.

 

Is it to the point that you would rather be room-mates? Or are you ok with the intimacy of sharing a room to sleep in and/or actual bedroom intimacy?

 

Does your H know how big the problem is?

 

Do you want to do marriage therapy? Would you rather find your own feet first?

[athomeontheprairie]

Your signature shows four children under the age of ten, including a one year old. And you're posting this question on a forum devoted largely to homeschooling. Rather than "loveless" you and your husband may simply be tired. Romance takes energy! But since you say your marriage feels loveless, regardless of how tired you may be, I suggest that you make extra effort to bring love back into your marriage.

 

It is not hopeless to stay once the sparks and excitement have died--they can be rekindled. I've been married 25 years. Those warm, fuzzy, romantic feelings we call "love" can come and go. Real love is staying together so that the feelings can come back again--and they do. When your taking care of lots of young children with few breaks, the demands of daily life can leave a husband and wife feeling too tired and exhausted to take care of their marriage.

 

Hire a babysitter instead of a divorce lawyer. Make the time go out somewhere together without the kids--somewhere that isn't a divorce court. Stay together and discover a deeper love.

I post here, because this is where I've been posting for a long time, and visiting for even I longer. post here because I do home school, and that whether or not I like it, the health of my marriage has a direct impact on children.

 

currently it is loveless. it could be because of depression stress and general tiredness, but it is loveless nonetheless.

 

I don't want to hire a divorce lawyer. but separation doesn't sound like a bad idea. Despite the fact that I DO believe a home with both parents is better for kids than a home with only one

[happi duck]

(Hug)

[Guest]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

No advice, just hugs.

[SKL]

Your youngest is very young.  Have you considered whether you might have some post-partum depression?  If not that, you could just be tired or even having an unknown health issue sneaking up.

 

Not that it's any of my business, but I wouldn't break up a family with young kids because of a lack of spark in the marriage.  I have actually seen that happen and it was very rough on the kids.

[redsquirrel]

Maybe get some therapy for yourself to help you pull all the pieces apart. The right therapist can be such a help

[Mimm]

I post here, because this is where I've been posting for a long time, and visiting for even I longer. post here because I do home school, and that whether or not I like it, the health of my marriage has a direct impact on children.

 

currently it is loveless. it could be because of depression stress and general tiredness, but it is loveless nonetheless.

 

I don't want to hire a divorce lawyer. but separation doesn't sound like a bad idea. Despite the fact that I DO believe a home with both parents is better for kids than a home with only one

 

I think she was pointing out that you're posting on a homeschooling forum, therefore she assumes you are a homeschooler, and thus you may be exhausted from dealing with four kids and homeschooling. 

 

I'm sorry you're going through this but in that situation, I would make efforts to save the relationship. Without abuse, addiction or infidelity, I would do everything I could to fix our problems. If you are depressed, leaving the marriage won't fix anything. You'll just be single and depressed. If he's depressed, then you might be happier leaving him, but it does seem kind of cold to walk out on someone you married because they're dealing with mental health issues (assuming those issues aren't causing addiction, abuse or infidelity). Try counseling separately and together and if it doesn't work, at least you can look back and say that you did all you could.

[Tanaqui]

A marriage counselor has got to be cheaper than a divorce, and if there aren't any other issues, such as abuse, I would go there *first*. I don't think it's wrong to leave an unhappy marriage, but it's probably better to make an effort before you do so. Certainly it won't do any harm to, say, give yourself a year in which you can work things out before you re-evaluate.

 

If you think one or both of you might be suffering from depression, that goes double. If nothing else, you should seek help for yourself. You might end up, after therapy, coming to the same decision, but at least then you'll know it's your choice, not the depression talking. And if you are depressed, separating won't fix that.

[maize]

I think she was pointing out that you're posting on a homeschooling forum, therefore she assumes you are a homeschooler, and thus you may be exhausted from dealing with four kids and homeschooling. 

 

I'm sorry you're going through this but in that situation, I would make efforts to save the relationship. Without abuse, addiction or infidelity, I would do everything I could to fix our problems. If you are depressed, leaving the marriage won't fix anything. You'll just be single and depressed. If he's depressed, then you might be happier leaving him, but it does seem kind of cold to walk out on someone you married because they're dealing with mental health issues (assuming those issues aren't causing addiction, abuse or infidelity). Try counseling separately and together and if it doesn't work, at least you can look back and say that you did all you could.

 

I agree with this in general, with the caveat that someone who is dealing with mental health issues and is ultimately unwilling to seek treatment can make life truly miserable for the people around them. I don't think the children and I would be able to live any kind of quality life with dh if his mental illness went untreated--at some point separation would seem to be the better option because we would be unable to do anything to make his life better, but his illness would be making life unlivable for the rest of us. The coldness, lack of real interaction, irritability and general black cloud that hangs over him when he is depressed would not allow any kind of decent family life in the long term.

 

Fortunately we are not in that situation, when things were at their bleakest many years ago dh finally sought treatment and since then we have been in generally positive maintenance mode, and when setbacks happen we know what problem needs to be addressed. But I can see how living with a person with untreated or unsuccessfully treated mental illness could be unworkable in the long term, in spite of an understanding that the person with the illness is a victim and is suffering, not intentionally causing pain to the people around them.

[Liz CA]

I do agree. But how do we move forward?

 

"I am not able to live like this any longer. I would like us to go to marriage counseling."

If he refuses, you go alone.

Several things may happen if you go alone. You could discover something and change it that in turn will cause him to change his behavior or he will see it's serious enough for you to take steps, and he will reconsider getting involved.

 

Doing nothing and suffering in silence is the worst part of it. It mushrooms every day until it seems you have reached the hopeless point of no return.

 

Require some things of him. Communication is not optional. He can say: "I need a few minutes to wind down after work OR I am grumpy in the morning...but I will be available in 15 minutes or this evening after dinner."

He cannot say nothing and get away with it indefinitely. If he is not engaging with anyone in the family, it is time to take definite steps.

 

This may sound overwhelming to you or as if you are pushing the envelope BUT it will make you likely feel better because you are doing something; action gives us a feeling we are moving toward something, and the goal does not seem unreachable anymore.

[merry gardens]

I post here, because this is where I've been posting for a long time, and visiting for even I longer. post here because I do home school, and that whether or not I like it, the health of my marriage has a direct impact on children.

 

currently it is loveless. it could be because of depression stress and general tiredness, but it is loveless nonetheless.

 

I don't want to hire a divorce lawyer. but separation doesn't sound like a bad idea. Despite the fact that I DO believe a home with both parents is better for kids than a home with only one

 

(((hugs)))

I wasn't criticizing you for posting your question on a homeschooling forum--I figured you were likely a homeschooling family and directing our energy towards educating our children can contribute to being tired.

 

I don't know you or your husband, but I know mine and myself.  Romance takes energy.  Keeping a marriage healthy and together takes energy. That's what I was trying to say, but I may have not conveyed that to you. 

 

Others have suggested and you seem to echo that depression may be a contributing factor to your present situation.  Depression or not, a homeschooling mother and father with several young children may not have a lot of extra energy--and they often neglect each other.  I speak of that tiredness from experience.  But there are things--sometimes just simple little things-- that we can do to bring love back into a marriage. Sometimes it starts just as simply as bringing the other a cup of coffee. A marriage is only "loveless" if it is without love, but we can help create love again by acting loving--and then the marriage is no longer loveless.  That's the deeper kind of love that I meant--the kind like a strong tree that digs its roots deeper into the ground so that it can survive drought and frost.

 

If you believe as I do and as you wrote here that it's in your children's best interest for you to have a healthy marriage and that it's better for kids for their parents to stay together, then there are some direct actions that you can take to help your marriage.  It can start with something simple, like doing something nice for your husband. 

[Mimm]

I agree with this in general, with the caveat that someone who is dealing with mental health issues and is ultimately unwilling to seek treatment can make life truly miserable for the people around them. I don't think the children and I would be able to live any kind of quality life with dh if his mental illness went untreated--at some point separation would seem to be the better option because we would be unable to do anything to make his life better, but his illness would be making life unlivable for the rest of us. The coldness, lack of real interaction, irritability and general black cloud that hangs over him when he is depressed would not allow any kind of decent family life in the long term.

 

Fortunately we are not in that situation, when things were at their bleakest many years ago dh finally sought treatment and since then we have been in generally positive maintenance mode, and when setbacks happen we know what problem needs to be addressed. But I can see how living with a person with untreated or unsuccessfully treated mental illness could be unworkable in the long term, in spite of an understanding that the person with the illness is a victim and is suffering, not intentionally causing pain to the people around them.

 

This is why I said that so long as those mental issues aren't causing abuse. And that includes emotional or verbal abuse, especially toward the children. As an adult, I wouldn't dismiss emotional or verbal abuse toward myself, but I would be willing to tolerate it for a short time so long as my husband were willing to seek help for his depression and the way he was treating me. I want to be clear that I'm not trying to dismiss how difficult it is to live with a depressed person (I have family members who deal with depression). But that I would want to find a way to stay in my marriage if I could. I have a friend whose spouse deals with depression and they've been through hard times but he takes medication and willingly seeks out therapy and is open about what he's dealing with. So she sticks with him and they make it work.

[Anne]

You've gotten some great advice upthread.   Definitely get some counseling for yourself, even if your dh won't go.  Get help for yourself and you will be better able to make the right decisions for your next step. 

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Anne

[countrygal]

I think therapy is a very good idea, for you or both of you. With that being said, he may panic when you say that. Maybe try to talk to him first.

 

Are you able to communicate to him calmly? You may want to bring up to him that you have issues and concerns, emphasizing to him that these are not necessarily his problems or that you are seeking for him to fix the issues RIGHT NOW. You just need to get it out (calmly.) Say things like "I feel overwhelmed lately. Are you?" "I miss things we use to do together." He could have you walled off because he feels unable to help you if you are depressed. A lot of men shut down if they can't fix things. It scares them. If every time you communicate he senses you are angry or crying and needy, he'll continue to back away. It's their way of dealing with it. I don't know if this is your issue or not but evaluate to see if it is. I'm not saying he doesn't have issues either. It's just easier to change or help yourself than the other person and the easiest way to change them is to work on your issues. Do you need more time away from the kids? If he's unable to provide that, find a babysitter just to get out once every week or two. Even if it's just to walk around the mall sipping a latte. You need to fill your emotional tank other ways than just through him. If you are clinically depressed, get treatment.

 

Also, come up with a list of specific things that are the issues (for you! Don't share it with him right now!!) What is it you want? Communication? A date night every 2 weeks? More help with the kids? More help around the house? Sleep? Figure out your love language - how you sense and feel love. You know you don't feel loved. What will make you feel loved? Try to figure out what it is that makes him sense love as well. Then you'll have something to work with. Also, figure out what each of your own individual stresses are that are pulling you away from each other. Is he having a hard time at work? Worried about finances? Is he a workaholic? Is homeschool pushing you over the edge? Are you getting enough sleep? Is the MIL overbearing? etc...

 

This is a hard part of life and it is easy to be short-sighted. A year seems like forever, but really, it isn't. In a year, things may be completely different. Babies grow up and you'll have more time for each other and less energy sucked out of you. Prayers to you and your family  :grouphug: 

 

 

[JadeOrchidSong]

One thing I hate about divorce is the constant logistics of shuffling kids from one house to the other, even several times a week and the inevitability of seeing and having to deal with your ex in all this anyways on a weekly basis at least. Dh's cousin is divorced and has an 11 yr old daughter. His girlfriend is divorced and has two kids age 9 and 10. Both their exes are remarried. His daughter goes to school near her mom and the girl comes to his house two times a week. The logistics is nightmarish!

Divorce is not the end of trouble. It just means another set of trouble and you are forced to see your ex every week or several times a week to shuffle the kids.

Unless there is something serious extreme, I wouldn't choose divorce. It is the most expensive and troublesome option. I would try everything, counseling, medication for possible depression, etc, before I would choose divorce, just as everyone else has adviced.

[momto3innc]

As the child of a loveless (not abuse or infidelity) marriage ( who divorced), I'd ask you to try so hard to not divorce. Not because it's easy. But honestly? The consequences of my parents divorce have been SO hard and continue to be, for them and for me...and it was 25 years ago! Years of moving one one house to another week after week, years of seeing them so lonely, struggling financially, dealing with step-parents/dating relationships who had all sorts of issues of their own ( this has been the biggest,) figuring out holidays, etc...

 

It's a new set of problems. But I don't know that it's a better one.

 

So sorry you're going through this.

[Katy]

Have you read The 5 Love Languages?

 

What's your love language & what is your spouse's?

 

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, it's the concept that the ways people express love are different, and many times in a "loveless" marriage both spouses love each other tremendously but they express it in a way that doesn't make the other spouse feel loved.  You can take a quiz to figure out what your love language is for free at http://www.5lovelanguages.com/.

 

[Cinder]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Cera]

My husband and I divorced after 10 years with a 4 and 6 year old at home.  It was, and still is, hard.  I would have chosen a workable partnership rather than divorce but he was unwilling to do so as he was having multiple affairs and wanted to move in with one of the women.  Now, three years later he wishes he had chosen differently but it is far too late.  

 

Make a pro and con list for each option.  Really think through what you would need to do to make being a single mom work (it is HARD).  My suggestion would be individual counseling at first then couples counseling so that you can figure out what you want and need then work with him (if he is willing) to figure out if that is possible in your marriage (or if you are willing to put your wants and needs on hold for a few years until the kids are older).

[Laurie4b]

I do agree. But how do we move forward?

 

Since you think you may be depressed, get help for that first. You can't think clearly when you're depressed.

 

What is your social support network like? Can you tell a friend about the depression? Is there someone who would exercise with you? (Exercise is really good for depression) Someone who could watch the kids for a while so that you can get some time for restoration? Someone who builds you up? With your kids the ages they are, there is a lot pouring out of you. Where do you get refilled? Cognitive behavioral therapy has  strong research support for effectiveness in dealing with depression.

[....]

Hi, in addition to these other ideas...could you both get physicals?  About 3-4 years ago, my husband was acting really strange - sleeping all the time, crabby, losing his temper, yelling at everyone...  He went for a physical and they found out that he had ALL kinds of stuff going on.  He even had Type 2 Diabetes and we had NO idea.   :eek:  After getting everything under control, he has felt a thousand times better.  I would go for a physical and rule that stuff out, too. 

[Guest]

That doesn't mean no work on the marriage. It does mean that you are a person that matters, and a less-than-ideal marriage us just one part if who you are. You can work on the marriage on and off, when you have the strength, when you feel inclined to do so.

 

 

 

There is so much wisdom in this and in the whole post. Thank you for sharing, Bolt.

[gardenmom5]

My very good friend is contemplating the same. But, she feels emotionally abandoned. He will mumble a good morning and then off to work. Once home, he is irritable and the home has a black cloud over it when he is there (that's my interpretation when I visit or help her out w the kids). He says "I'm fine" when asked if something is wrong. I feel for you and my friend. Advice above is great...but the issues of loneliness and abandonment are really difficult to live with. Gosh, a timeline for improvement, would that help or hurt?

 

is her dh depressed?  overstressed? 

chemically, the effect upon the brain between stress and depression is very similar.

[DawnM]

This.

 

I was not quite in the same situation, as I wasn't thinking of leaving and didn't feel I was in a loveless marriage, but I definitely felt trapped in this house that I don't like in an area I don't like, doing something I don't really like (staying home and being a SAHM.)- all things my husband wanted but I didn't.

 

I felt like I had lost my identity.  

 

I ended up going to therapy myself and it did help.  For one thing, I was able to communicate with DH better.

 

Dawn

 

You've gotten some great advice upthread.   Definitely get some counseling for yourself, even if your dh won't go.  Get help for yourself and you will be better able to make the right decisions for your next step. 

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Anne

 

[Mrs Mungo]

Personally, I would do everything I could to salvage the relationship before taking that step. I've seen how hard it is for people when they get divorced and are tethered together because of kids. It's easier to find yourself or change what you're doing or work on your relationship without getting a divorce. People generally wind up having to do those things either way. Take time for yourself. Tell him that the current situation is a problem for you. Figure out what kinds of changes you think would help and communicate them to him. We've gone through rough patches and have worked it out without a counselor. But, I can see how a counselor can be very helpful for people whose spouses aren't willing or communicative.

[lewber]

I am so sorry you are feeling like this. You have gotten great advice. As someone who has seen the effects of divorce on children I do beg you to try all the other options first. I understand that it definitely is the best option for some couples, but it so incredibly hard on the children. Are there ones that work - absolutely!  But they bring so many other issues too. They are so hard. Please exhaust therapy, possible medication, etc. Marriage is work and I agree with above - love is a verb. It can be hard. But a happy stable marriage is an incredible gift to give your children. 

I hope yours can be turned around and bring you happiness.

 

Edited - for spelling

[Elisabet1]

Probably not. Every marriage is loveless from time to time.

[Ottakee]

I agree with the idea of marriage counseling.....even if you have to start going alone at first but hopefully he will go as well.

 

A physical is a great idea to help check for physical and mental health issues that might be at play.

 

Google To Love Honor and Vacuum.    She has a lot of posts on how to deal with situations similar to yours.

[Joyofsixreboot]

I don't know your situation. I would not tolerate abuse, addiction or adultery but In our 28 years we've had awesome times and horrible times and apathetic times and mismatched times. I'm not one to make snap decisions unless danger is involved. Sometimes things work out, sometimes they don't. In the end it's your life. Have you considered counseling? Even just to clarify your own position?

[speedmom4]

When my children were 9, 7, 5, and 3 my marriage was a mess. I seriously considered divorce. We were both so unhappy. I'm so glad we were both just too tired to do anything drastic or permanent. Now that we have one in college and the youngest is 12 life is so very different. We have time to spend together. We enjoy each other's company again. My mom gave me great advice when I got married. She said, "You will fall in and out of love with your spouse throughout your marriage." I think that's fantastic advice. Just because things are bad now doesn't necessarily mean it always will be. Invest in your marriage and go to counseling! 

 

Prayers and (((hugs)))

 

Elise in NC