How to do this nicely?

[aggieamy]

DH has a cousin that is a sweet wonderful thoughtful person.  We are so blessed to have someone like her in our lives.  She's generous and kind.  I would hate to hurt her feelings but I have a situation that I don't know how to handle with her.  

 

She is constantly calling DS by the wrong name.  His name is John.  She calls him Jonathan.  All the time.  She's not the type of person to do it to be catty, I think that she honestly thinks his name is Jonathan.  I opened his birthday card from her at his party a few days ago and it was addressed to Jonathan.

 

I don't know where this is coming from.  We had never considered that name or ever mentioned it.  Every time she's called him Jonathan we just politely say ... "Oh, it's just John."  Even DD does that now.  

 

How do I fix this?  She lives in town but all the way on the other side of it so we mostly see her at major holidays and then a few times during the year.  I thought that it would fix itself because no one else calls him Jonathan.  I'm completely bewildered by the situation.  I feel like maybe I waited too long and I don't want to embarrass her BUT I do want him to be called by the right name.  I'm picturing him at ten years old opening an embroidered overnight bag for his birthday with 'Jonathan' on it! 

[Incognito]

This is for your 9mo?  If she doesn't get it after a few years, your child will probably correct her.  I would try not to worry about it.

[mommymonster]

My son has a name like Art, which everyone assumes is short for Arthur. His name, though, is really Artemis. At first when people called him Arthur, we'd just say, "Oh, it's Art." Then we realized that we weren't explaining it well enough... people needed something like, "Believe it or not, Art's real name isn't Arthur. His real name is Artemis. We decided to get creative with his name!"

 

Perhaps you need to say to Sweet Cousin, just conversationally, "It's funny, but John's full, legal name is "John" -- not Jonathon. We thought of the name John because XXXX." That way, she doesn't think you are simply urging her to use his nickname (as opposed to a proper name).

[violamama]

I would have a super direct conversation that would start out very self-deprecating. 

"This is really weird and awkward and I'm sure I've somehow caused it, but I think you should know about this funny misunderstanding."

 

And then I'd be really really clear that it's a totally different name even though it's similar. I'd probably do it over tea or a beer, depending on her disposition and mine.

[happi duck]

I have a name that is spelled differently. Dh has a name that is sometimes shortened but never in his case.

 

I find that the misspelling and nickname will spread from person to person if we don't correct it.

 

I've never had anyone be embarrassed when corrected. We're nice about it and straightforward. "I go by Robert" or "I'm Kathy with a k".

 

Also, ime, people who persist won't just notice.

 

Lastly, in her experience she might assume john is a nickname for Jonathan and think she's using his given name. If you haven't already be prepared to say " actually his full name is John, not Jonathan.". Saying it's just John might mean to her that it's okay to use a nickname, not that she has his given name wrong, kwim?

[Catwoman]

Maybe you could send her a Christmas card this year with all of your names on it, and hopefully she will get the hint!

[bettyandbob]

 

 

I don't know where this is coming from.  We had never considered that name or ever mentioned it.  Every time she's called him Jonathan we just politely say ... "Oh, it's just John."  Even DD does that now.  

 

 

 

Your phrasing is not communicating that John is not a nickname. I think you dh should talk to her. Then as it comes up again (it probably will) remind her that John is his given name.

 

[NotSoObvious]

Yep, I'm sure she just assumes it's a nickname for Jonathan. I'd clearly explain that to her. I'm sure she just doesn't know. I wouldn't worry too much about it.

[marbel]

It sound as if you don't see her very often, so I wouldn't worry about it.  When she says it, reminder her gently that "his name is not Jonathan.  His real name is John."   Be very clear that you are not using John as a nickname.

 

When your son is older, he is not going to answer to Jonathan, so she'll probably stop then.

 

 

[ThisIsTheDay]

Why not just ask her, "Why do you keep calling him Jonathan?"  She already knows it's not his name.  You've told her.  And I would ask the question being truly curious, not snarky or grumpily.

[JFSinIL]

Kindly point out to her that your son is John, not Jon which is short for Jonathan. She may simply be confused.

 

My hubby's aunt has, for 18 years now, persisted in referring to our youngest as Jacqueline. Her name is Jaclyn. Sigh. So.....good luck!

[momofkhm]

And see we are having the opposite issue.  People are shortening ds's name to the nickname.  He has told them, dd has told them and some people just don't get it.  DS is 14 now and the people shortening it are generally teens.  The adults seem to pick up on it when corrected by ds.

[SKL]

I wouldn't act like it is a big deal.  Tell yourself that this is something people mix up all the time and people appreciate being corrected as early and often as practical.

 

When you send correspondence etc., be sure to include your son's name every time.  In your thank you note for his gifts etc., "John is enjoying his ___."  If that doesn't work, just matter-of-factly correct her.  I mean, what would you do if she called him Paul?  You'd probably correct her by saying "John" and move on.  Jonathon is a completely different name and I'd want to be corrected if I made that mistake.  Nothing to be embarrassed about on either side.

[Kathryn]

If you've communicated the issue the way you stated here, I agree with others that it's not clear that you're not just saying you prefer a nickname. You need to be clear that that is his full legal name.

[SKL]

You might want to specify in your verbal corrections, "John like the apostle" or "John like John F. Kennedy."

[Library Momma]

Just play dumb - "Johnathan?"  "Who's Johnathan?"  "Oh you mean JOHN"

[Mbelle]

You do need to correct it.  I have to do this for my DS all the time.  A cousin of mine went to Kindergarten and the teacher called him by a nickname and his mother didn't think to correct the teacher.  Now 40 years later almost everyone calls him by his nickname. 

Whether nickname or full name he should be called by what you like. 

[Murphy101]

She probably thinks you mean, "oh we just call him John" and not, "no, his name on his birth certificate is not Jonathan, it's just John" so I'd probably just nicely and laughingly tell her that.

[stephanier.1765]

My great grandmother hated my name and called me something completely different. I don't know how my parents felt about it but it was no big deal to me. In my mind, it was a sort of a pet name just like the "George" my father would call me. I still associate that with her fondly whenever I think about her. Maybe your son would only be Jonathon to her and it would be something special between them. 

[happi duck]

My mil gave dd a necklace with a different name on it...starts with the same few letters. Sort of like Marianne but her name is Mary.

 

I said, "this doesn't say Mary". She told me " you spell it wrong".

 

Um.

[Mbelle]

oh my! 

My mil gave dd a necklace with a different name on it...starts with the same few letters. Sort of like Marianne but her name is Mary.

I said, "this doesn't say Mary". She told me " you spell it wrong".

Um.

 

[Lisbeth]

My mil gave dd a necklace with a different name on it...starts with the same few letters. Sort of like Marianne but her name is Mary.

 

I said, "this doesn't say Mary". She told me " you spell it wrong".

 

Um.

"I'm sure someone who spells her name this way will love it when I donate it to Goodwill." And then donate it.

[Lisbeth]

My great grandmother hated my name and called me something completely different. I don't know how my parents felt about it but it was no big deal to me. In my mind, it was a sort of a pet name just like the "George" my father would call me. I still associate that with her fondly whenever I think about her. Maybe your son would only be Jonathon to her and it would be something special between them.

I would be so annoyed. I would have started calling her something different (if I was your mom), like Granny Frannie, or something. I would tell her, "Oh, I thought it was cool to change someone's name if you hate it in this family!" I firmly believe the older generation had their chance to name their kids, and they need to step back and allow the next generation their turn.

If you, your parents, etc didn't care, that is a whole 'nother story. I am just a big believer in boundaries.

[redsquirrel]

She isn't getting it.  When you say 'it's just john'. She thinks you are saying "we call him John, even though his full name is Jonathan. You don't have to call him Jonathan because everyone else calls him John" She prob thinks she is making it special by calling him by his 'full name'.

 

Wait until you are seeing her in person and say, "You know I think I have been unclear, and I should apologize. John's full name is John, not Jonathan. If you continue to call him Jonathan he isn't going to know who you are talking to."

 

If you have been really, really clear and she persists, then I don't know what to do but wait for him to address it.

 

My younger son has a name that is unusual but is a little similar to a common name. We have a few family friends who persist in calling him by the wrong name. There is nothing mean about it, the more common name just comes out first, lol. DS2 doesn't say anything and never has. Well, I might get an eye roll behind their back, but he certainly doesn't take offense.

[Tammi K]

A pastor's wife from our old church used to call me Tamara. All. the . time.  It didn't matter how many times I told her that wasn't my name.  I finally realized that she was never going to change so I would either need to get used to it or learn to avoid her.  Every now and again someone would hear her and say, "I didn't know your name was Tamara."  

 

"It's not", I would reply.   Everyone else used my name except her.

 

For the entire time I was there, I remained Tamara to her.    

 

Some people just gonna' do what they gonna' do.

 

[LMV]

I would just explain to her that his given name is John not Jonathan.  Ideally I would do this sometime when it is just the two of you and be matter of fact about it.  One of my friends would empathize; her given name is Jennie.  It is not short for Jennifer, or Jeannette, or anything like that, and she definitely spent some time correcting teachers when we were younger.

[Word Nerd]

I think you're going to have to spell it out for her very clearly that his full name is John, not Jonathan, in a casual, matter-of-fact way. 

[Word Nerd]

My mil gave dd a necklace with a different name on it...starts with the same few letters. Sort of like Marianne but her name is Mary.

 

I said, "this doesn't say Mary". She told me " you spell it wrong".

 

Um.

 

 

I was going to say, "Wow, how passive-aggressive of her," but on second thought, that's just plain aggressive.

[Elisabet1]

Are you sure it is an accident? It does not matter what I name a child of mine, my sister will not call them by their name. She always has a nickname, no matter what. Even if the nickname is a complete other name.

[Danestress]

I think she probably knows what his correct name is, but she wants to be special and call him something else. This can be a way of signifying power or a special relationship.

 

The question to me is whether she knows how much it bothers you. You are the parents and have the 'power of naming,' so perhaps she, on some level, is a challenge to that authority, whether she is conscious of that or not. Some parents would be really bothered by this. Others might not care.

 

But I think if you want to insist he be called by his name, you need to own your feelings. If you don't like him beng called "Jonathan," you need to directly tell her that you don't want her to do so. She might do it anyway, but at least then you will know how things stand with her.

[QueenCat]

My mil gave dd a necklace with a different name on it...starts with the same few letters. Sort of like Marianne but her name is Mary.

 

I said, "this doesn't say Mary". She told me " you spell it wrong".

 

Um.

 

Did that render you speechless?

[Katy]

You guys are so much nicer than me.  I'd probably be all snarktastic and say something like, "Once again, his name is NOT Jonathan.  Say it with me.  Jjjjjj---ooooo---hhhhh----nnnnnn.  JOHN.  John. John (possibly speaking in different accents). Come on, you can say it.  John!!!  I have faith in you!"

 

Yep, it's safe to say I was sometimes called mean in school.  But everyone thought I was funny.  And if anyone has the nerve to call someone by the wrong name after that you can bet they're doing it on purpose, possibly as a joke.

 

(The snarky side of me is also why I don't let my kids watch snarky teen shows.  Genetically, they're already there, they don't need any encouragement).

[aggieamy]

Thanks so much.  Great perspective.  It never occurred to DH or myself that she might think John is a nickname for Jonathon.  We'll see cousin again in a few weeks and I'll tell her "His legal name is just John ... J O H N ... like my great-grandfather and DH's great-grandfather."  She and DH both have the same great-grandfather so I figure that will help her remember it.  

[Mimm]

My uncle called me Fred because when my mother was pregnant, he insisted I was going to be a boy and that would be my name. (My parents told me they planned to name me Joshua if I was a boy.)

[happi duck]

Did that render you speechless?

Yes! One of those internal "okay, then..."

[JennyD]

people needed something like, "Believe it or not, Art's real name isn't Arthur. His real name is Artemis. We decided to get creative with his name!"

 

Perhaps you need to say to Sweet Cousin, just conversationally, "It's funny, but John's full, legal name is "John" -- not Jonathon. We thought of the name John because XXXX." That way, she doesn't think you are simply urging her to use his nickname (as opposed to a proper name).

 

 

Speaking as a Jenny whose name is not, in fact, Jennifer, I think this is perfect.   You really do have to spell out the "it's a name, not a nickname" thing.  

[aggieamy]

I gotta say I've really enjoyed reading all the stories of people who deliberately mess up names.  I don't get it.  That's their NAME.  Ugh.

 

Some people are jerks.  

[T'smom]

My MIL has been calling my dd by her first name and MIL's middle name. She even announced that DD's middle name should have been the same as hers because DS's middle name is FIL's name. DS wasn't named after FIL though, he was named after DH. One day, just as I was about to lose it on her, my sweet 4 yo dd looked up at her and said "it's okay Grandma, you can call me whatever you want."

[DianeW88]

My MIL has been calling my dd by her first name and MIL's middle name. She even announced that DD's middle name should have been the same as hers because DS's middle name is FIL's name. DS wasn't named after FIL though, he was named after DH. One day, just as I was about to lose it on her, my sweet 4 yo dd looked up at her and said "it's okay Grandma, you can call me whatever you want."

 

My MIL would have loved it if we had named DD after her.  But her name is Jeraldine (yes, with a J), so that was never going to happen.  I think she's still disappointed, but there was no way to make it sound even remotely palatable.

[VeteranMom]

I have a great aunt that calls my husband "Samuel" and addresses all communications that way.  It's just "Sam".  I don't correct her.  She means no harm and my dh doesn't care.  I would only say something if it really bothers you and your son a lot.  

[Peaceful Isle]

People ask if my dh's name is really his nickname, or they say..is that short for John? We say, no, it's Jack.

[mrsrevmeg]

My grandfather called my oldest son Henry because he felt like Nathaniel was an old man name, not a child name. He called my middle son Alexander because Benjamin was also my grandmother's father name. Shocking, he always called Samuel by his actual name. Sometimes people are just weird. The kids even got to where they would sign cards to him as being from Henry and Alexander.

[momto3innc]

 

 

Speaking as a Jenny whose name is not, in fact, Jennifer, I think this is perfect. You really do have to spell out the "it's a name, not a nickname" thing.

 

I'm another Jenny not Jennifer. I've had to make it clear many a time. So many people assume it has to be a nickname. Generally once I say, "my legal name is..." they get it.

[redsquirrel]

I have a friend who is a Joey, and it never occurred to me over many years, that Joey is his given name. I always assumed it was short for Joseph. When I found out, I was very glad I hadn't ever called him Joseph or Joe, even though I had thought of it on several occasion. I think of that as a nickname for a little boy, not a grown man. I had felt a little silly calling him Joey, good thing I never told him that, lol.

 

 

[J-rap]

I wouldn't say anything.  It just wouldn't be a big deal to me.  Over the years, as she receives birthday invitations, graduation announcements, etc., maybe she'll catch on.  If not, well, some people are just really, really bad with names.  No biggie. 

[Tutor]

My son has a name like Art, which everyone assumes is short for Arthur. His name, though, is really Artemis. At first when people called him Arthur, we'd just say, "Oh, it's Art." Then we realized that we weren't explaining it well enough... people needed something like, "Believe it or not, Art's real name isn't Arthur. His real name is Artemis. We decided to get creative with his name!"

 

Perhaps you need to say to Sweet Cousin, just conversationally, "It's funny, but John's full, legal name is "John" -- not Jonathon. We thought of the name John because XXXX." That way, she doesn't think you are simply urging her to use his nickname (as opposed to a proper name).

 

I think I would try this approach first, and hopefully she will respond. However, if she doesn't, I would just consider "Jonathan" her nickname for your son, love her, and keep signing "John" on all his cards to her.  :)

[Suzanne in ABQ]

I am Suzanne.  I was once in a choir with a Susan and a Sue.

 

The director called us Jeanette, Janet, and Jan, respectively.

 

This went on for two years.  

 

We just chuckled about it, and wrote it off as dementia.  The director was wonderful at music, just not great with names.  

[busymama7]

I have a Nathaniel. A couple close friends, some people at church and my mom will sometimes call him Nathan. It makes me crazy because I feel Nathan is a totally different name and not short for Nathaniel. It would bug me less if they did Nate or Nat although we don't use either. We actually have a pet name/nick name based in how our then 2 year old said his name but it's not a real name. People who hear it a lot will use it an at first it bugged me because I'm not a fan of nicknames. All my other kids go by their full name. But the weird non name has kinda stuck so that's ok. But I don't like it when people use Nathan and I'm not sure how to deal with it either :) I think with my mom she honestly forgets. In fact since he's not quite 2 maybe they others have forgotten too. I sometimes correct them especially people from church or whatever but I have never corrected my mom. She doesn't do it all the time. I think Nathaniel is just a big name for a little guy but I like it and have gotten used to saying it (except when I use the weird non-name LOL)

 

Anyways no point to this post other than I get it ;)