Slache Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 I think we might lose my father in law in the next few days due to complications caused by chemo. We live across the country and cannot be there. He and my husband are very close. What can I do for my husband and mother in law if he dies? What should I not do? Thanks. Update: Thank you so much for your kind words and wisdom! He is responding to the antibiotics and kidney treatments, his heart rate and blood pressure are normal, he's communicating again, and everything else I mentioned in any of the other threads is getting better. Slowly. We don't know what they're going to do about the cancer, but for now the crises is over. My mother in law has gone home to eat, sleep, and work on her schoolwork, my sister in law went to her boyfriends and my husband I got into a water/tickle fight last night so it appears everyone is feeling better. Praise Him! :party: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 Hug when he wants hugs, don't hug when he doesn't want hugs. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 It's so variable. My FIL died in 2006. Because he was divorced and my BIL was coming from overseas and my husband was in a fog, I took care of most of the more mundane funeral arrangements and putting his obituary into the papers etc. I insulated him from my brother a bit when he needed it (they have very different opinions of and experiences with their father) and I backed away and let them have their time when they needed it. The best advice I got was to let him grieve in his own way. Namely family cultures around death are different and let's just say his reaction to his dad dying was unlike my reaction to my mom dying (in 2009). Being ok with those different family norms was important. Just meeting him where he was at was important. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 Now is a good time to think what you might need too. I needed a sewing machine to work on quilt patches (I'd already sought memories from FIL to be quilted.) I didn't have one and didn't get one until very much later than I needed it. It was very uncomfortable doing without. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 Listen. When I lost my dad, there was nothing dh could do for me other than listen. Sometimes I wasn't very nice and he let it slide, so I guess be very forgiving for a bit too. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 Be there when he needs you. Leave him alone when he needs privacy. Listen when he is ready to talk. If he isn't ready to share his grief, don't take it personally. People deal with grief very differently. There is no right or wrong way. I've lost both my parents, and dh has lost his father. It takes time. My dh comes from a large, close family so I didn't need to really do anything for my mil. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
candicane Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 Hugs, that's the most you can do. And since they live so far away maybe you can find a way to send some flowers? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted October 26, 2014 Share Posted October 26, 2014 Folks have given you lots of good advice. My husband lost both of his parents within the first three years of our marriage and before our son was born. If he wants to go and it is at all possible, get him there. Time is precious. We have experienced a lot of grief - not only has my husband lost both of his parents, but in the past six years he lost both of his brothers and I lost one of my brothers. Every experience has been different. Know that grief can take a long time and that it can resurface even after years. My husband grieved his father a lot when our son was born, about two months after his death and moved on rather easily after that. However, my husband's step mother just died earlier this month - it was really hard. She had a trunk of things from my father in law that my husband shipped down here when he went to visit her just before she died. While it was on it's way, he left here to go to her funeral and it arrived while he was gone. When he arrived home, we opened the trunk and found so many interesting things that were his parents - letters they had written to each other, both of their Bibles, newspaper clippings, photos, all sorts of things. Two days after he got home, his step-sister found his father's WWII medals and they were shipped to us this past week along with the flag that was on his casket at the funeral. It's been an emotional month here in our home and his mother has been dead for almost 21 years, his father for almost 18. We were so young and inexperienced in life when his parents died - I think we avoided talking about it a lot. This month has been different from a grief standpoint, we've been talking a lot more and I've heard a lot of stories that I had heard before but have more appreciation for now that I know my husband and the rest of the family much more deeply. So, a trip if you can manage it, patience, a listening ear and realize that he will always be missed - even years later. I am so sorry you are going through this. I know it isn't easy. You can PM me if you have any questions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenrae Posted October 26, 2014 Share Posted October 26, 2014 If he will be unable to make it there before his father passes, and he can't make the funeral, maybe see if there is a family member that can skype the service to you. If that will not work, maybe have a small memorial service with your family and close friends that live near you. Having a time and place to share his memories and grief with others can be helpful. Of course this may not be what would suit your husband's needs, only you will know. My husband and I have each lost a parent and it is never easy, but having the ability to mourn and share memories is so important. It just takes time to heal. For his mom, you could send a card and flowers, in addition to calling her. Then a few weeks after the funeral, maybe send a photo of him that you thought was special and maybe a letter recalling some precious memory you have of him. Help keep the memory of him alive for your MIL and husband. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted October 26, 2014 Share Posted October 26, 2014 Is there any way at all he could attend the service (if there is one?). That kind of connection can be very important for some. Especially if they are able to speak of their love. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ausmumof3 Posted October 26, 2014 Share Posted October 26, 2014 Listen, hug and be there for him. Be aware that grief is likely to affect him for longer than you think. If you see signs that it maybe needed look for counselling. Be forgiving if he's not his normal self for a long time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted October 26, 2014 Author Share Posted October 26, 2014 Is there any way at all he could attend the service (if there is one?). That kind of connection can be very important for some. Especially if they are able to speak of their love. He'll go if he passes. Right now we don't know what will happen, and we can't afford to just go, especially if he gets better and then there's a service in 2 months. We'd never make it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted October 26, 2014 Share Posted October 26, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted October 26, 2014 Share Posted October 26, 2014 He'll go if he passes. Right now we don't know what will happen, and we can't afford to just go, especially if he gets better and then there's a service in 2 months. We'd never make it. It isn't the same thing, but we lived in Germany when my grandmother started doing poorly. We flew home to see her then. We couldn't turn around and immediately go home for her funeral. My family understood. I was glad that I got to see her while she was still alive. Just something to consider. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Butter Posted October 26, 2014 Share Posted October 26, 2014 My FIL died in December 2005. We were living in two different countries across an ocean from each other (US and Ireland). Jamie got to Ireland a couple hours after his father passed. He knew this was a definite possibility. It didn't help that the death was due to complications of surgery that we did not think his FIL actually needed and felt the Irish doctors were freaking out over something that had been there for years unchanged and watched by the American doctors for years before they moved to Ireland. He contracted a hospital-acquired infection and never woke up. Just be there for your husband and however he needs to grieve. Sometimes that comes later when you don't expect it. Keep in touch with MIL. I named the child I was pregnant with at the time of his death after him. We added a second middle name when the child was born. Of course we had no idea Fritz was a boy when I was pregnant, but that was something my MIL really appreciated. To this day she swears Fritz looks just like Jamie's dad (he doesn't; he looks exactly like some of my great-uncles on my mom's side, but she sees what she wants to see and that's okay). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mumto2 Posted October 26, 2014 Share Posted October 26, 2014 Do what your husband wants you to do. Be supportive of his decisions no matter if you personally agree with them or not. For me that meant not going to mil's funeral because he wanted me to stay with the dc's. He has never regretted that decision so it was the right one for us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenrae Posted October 26, 2014 Share Posted October 26, 2014 I just wanted to add that when my husband's mother was ill, he did not make it to see her, but was able to attend the funeral. In hind site, he wishes that he had just gone to spend a few days with her before she worsened and passed away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted October 26, 2014 Author Share Posted October 26, 2014 My FIL died in December 2005. We were living in two different countries across an ocean from each other (US and Ireland). Jamie got to Ireland a couple hours after his father passed. He knew this was a definite possibility. It didn't help that the death was due to complications of surgery that we did not think his FIL actually needed and felt the Irish doctors were freaking out over something that had been there for years unchanged and watched by the American doctors for years before they moved to Ireland. He contracted a hospital-acquired infection and never woke up. Same thing here. He had a tumor removed and is going through chemo "just to be sure". We wanted them to get a second opinion, but they (MIL) didn't want one so we dropped it. After the first treatment he was hospitalized with an array of problems, so we brought it back up but she said no. Now he has sepsis, fluid in his lungs, is in kidney failure. The list goes on. He weighs 97 pounds and can't talk, eat or breath on his own. Just be there for your husband and however he needs to grieve. Sometimes that comes later when you don't expect it. Keep in touch with MIL. She's not talking to me (long history), but she talks to my husband several times a day. I named the child I was pregnant with at the time of his death after him. My son's already named after him :) We added a second middle name when the child was born. Of course we had no idea Fritz was a boy when I was pregnant, but that was something my MIL really appreciated. To this day she swears Fritz looks just like Jamie's dad (he doesn't; he looks exactly like some of my great-uncles on my mom's side, but she sees what she wants to see and that's okay). It isn't the same thing, but we lived in Germany when my grandmother started doing poorly. We flew home to see her then. We couldn't turn around and immediately go home for her funeral. My family understood. I was glad that I got to see her while she was still alive. Just something to consider. We saw him about 2 months ago. Between missing work and a last minute flight it would cost us $4,000, which we don't have. But since we just saw him, and he and my husband did spend a lot of time together, we aren't upset about not being able to go now. Thank you for your honest response. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted October 28, 2014 Author Share Posted October 28, 2014 Thank you so much for your kind words and wisdom! He is responding to the antibiotics and kidney treatments, his heart rate and blood pressure are normal, he's communicating again, and everything else I mentioned in any of the other threads is getting better. Slowly. We don't know what they're going to do about the cancer, but for now the crises is over. My mother in law has gone home to eat, sleep, and work on her schoolwork, my sister in law went to her boyfriends and my husband I got into a water/tickle fight last night so it appears everyone is feeling better. Praise Him! :party: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chelle in MO Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 I'm so glad to hear that the crisis is over! What a relief for all of you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Slache, that's such great news! XDH's father had already been dead for awhile when we found out and it wasn't really much of a surprise, but my mother bear hormones just kicked in and I held him while he cried and encouraged him to share as many stories as he felt comfortable and basically comforted him the same way I would have comforted a child or a sibling. His mother died this past year, and the same thing happened again despite being divorced for over 20 years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted October 29, 2014 Author Share Posted October 29, 2014 Slache, that's such great news! XDH's father had already been dead for awhile when we found out and it wasn't really much of a surprise, but my mother bear hormones just kicked in and I held him while he cried and encouraged him to share as many stories as he felt comfortable and basically comforted him the same way I would have comforted a child or a sibling. His mother died this past year, and the same thing happened again despite being divorced for over 20 years. This is very sweet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.