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If you're divorced, what does your parenting plan look like?


Colleen
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Those who are divorced, are you willing to share what your parenting plan ~ custody, visitation, living situation ~ looks like and how/why you came to arrangement?  I am talking about situations in which both parents have been caring, involved participants in their children's lives.  From an objective standpoint, I would likely say that kids should have equal time with each parent.  But, of course, I'm less than objective and it's so difficult to fathom that reality. :-/  And then, too, I wonder how it plays out logistically and emotionally for each parent?  

 

I know of several situations in which the children live with their mothers during the week and have weekends with their fathers.  In another family, the kids are with their mom the entire school year and their dad the whole summer. Both scenarios seem less-than-ideal to me, but I'm admittedly going to have to accept a lot of less-than-ideal things as the divorce progresses.

 

I realize this is a highly personal topic, but I think if we keep it practical it won't violate board rules.  If you'd rather contact me privately, feel free to send a private message.  Thanks!

 

 

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I was the child of divorced parents, so I can offer some options and how they worked for me.  

 

Initially, we had a big house: I lived in the main part of it with my mother, and my father lived in the basement flat.  At some point that switched and I was living with my father, and my mother was in the basement.  In both cases, I was free to visit the other parent at any time, but pretty much all the 'child care' was done in the main house.  My mother recently apologised for 'abandoning' me, but it didn't occur to me at the time to think that way.  She clearly had been harbouring guilt about it over the past forty years.  Having everyone so close and choosing where to be actually worked quite well for me, I think.  I was about eleven.

 

Then my father moved out and remarried.  He lived ten minutes walk away.  I spent Sundays with them, and occasionally went on holiday with them.  It was fine, but felt odd: I didn't know what to do when I was at his house.  We weren't a family that did a lot together anyway, apart from meals, so I'd just go over to my dad's house and read a book.  A bit odd but not distressing.

 

Best wishes

 

L

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My BIL and his ex-wife arranged it so that the kids were with him for 2 weeks and her for 2 weeks for a while, then switched to 3 weeks with one and 3 weeks with the other, which is what they do right now.  It is working.  To clarify the situation, though, they do not homeschool and neither one was that heavily involved in the kids' education and both have always worked full time, and at one point were going to school too.  Raising of their kids was frequently outsourced so the kids are used to being with extended family or grandparents on a regular basis.  Both parents attend sports events when possible, though, and take turns, even if it is not their week, trying to help get everyone wherever they need to go.  

 

FWIW, they tried one week on one week off, or switching for weekends and found that switching off every week or on weekends was really disruptive for themselves and their kids.  The kids also had very little time to adjust to each house, get into a routine, etc.  The kids AND the parents also struggled to keep up with belongings and homework assignments and project materials, etc.  Once they switched to 3 weeks on 3 weeks off it was easier, although when SIL remarried the boys wanted to make it 1 week at Mom's and 3 weeks at Dad's for a bit.  Once things smoothed out a bit they went back to 3 weeks on 3 weeks off.

 

I admit that arrangement would not work for me or my kids, but DH travels all the time.  He would have a hard time providing care consistently and the kids and I are just too close to be separated that long.  

 

Are your kids homeschooled or in brick and mortar?

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I'm divorced, but I don't think you'd want the parenting plan we have, because I have the kids almost all the time, and their dad sees them for a few hours maybe once every few months (he lives close by). A (male) friend of mine, however, has been divorced for ages, three kids, and he has always alternated weeks -- kids with mom one week, kids with him another week. In the summers and longer holidays when the kids were small, the mom would take the kids during the day when he was working but he would pay her as otherwise it would have been paying for sitters etc. He's told me that although he would prefer more time with the kids, the advantage to this is that, when he is with the kids, he is there for them 100 per cent. When it's not his week, that's his time to focus on work and do things for himself. The downside is that it is a bit disruptive for the kids, but I think that would depend on the personality/ages of the kids and the location etc.

He's a good guy and a great dad, from what I can see, and clearly has great respect for his ex as a parent.

 

 

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My dd's father and I decided that it would be best for our dd to have one main home base, though she considered both our houses "home."

 

He works in law enforcement, so his work schedule determined our very flexible custody schedule. She went to his home his days off, usually mid-week, and was at my home the rest of the week. If his days off included a Saturday, we alternated so that she was with her dad one Saturday and with me the next. Similarly, when he worked a 4-day schedule, she'd stay with him for 3 days one week, two days the next. When his work schedule changed, the schedule would shift to his new days off.

 

As she got older, we were pretty flexible. As long as she was able to have adequate supervision and get where she needed to be, she could stay where she wanted. Her need for routine and her dad's work schedule meant that she stuck pretty closely to the original schedule, though.

 

Really, the key was figuring out what would work best for all of us. There was quite a period of tongue-biting and adjustment, but we really wanted to work together for the sake of our dd.

 

Cat

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Initially, we had a big house: I lived in the main part of it with my mother, and my father lived in the basement flat.  At some point that switched and I was living with my father, and my mother was in the basement.  In both cases, I was free to visit the other parent at any time, but pretty much all the 'child care' was done in the main house.  

 

This is actually really reasonable in many respects.  Oh, for a basement flat right about now!

 

My BIL and his ex-wife arranged it so that the kids were with him for 2 weeks and her for 2 weeks for a while, then switched to 3 weeks with one and 3 weeks with the other, which is what they do right now.  It is working.  

 

I admit that arrangement would not work for me or my kids, but DH travels all the time.  He would have a hard time providing care consistently and the kids and I are just too close to be separated that long.  

 

Are your kids homeschooled or in brick and mortar?

 

My 16 and 14 yo boys attend the high school, while I still homeschool the two youngest.  I think the closeness of this lifestyle makes the idea of separate living arrangements even more difficult to digest.  I justĂ¢â‚¬Â¦I feel sick, honestly, when I think of my guys living elsewhere for a week (or longer).  

 

I'm divorced, but I don't think you'd want the parenting plan we have, because I have the kids almost all the time, and their dad sees them for a few hours maybe once every few months (he lives close by).

 

Oh, I'd be more than happy with that arrangement!  But my guys and their dad would want more time together.

 

A (male) friend of mine, however, has been divorced for ages, three kids, and he has always alternated weeks -- kids with mom one week, kids with him another weekĂ¢â‚¬Â¦.The downside is that it is a bit disruptive for the kids, but I think that would depend on the personality/ages of the kids and the location etc.

 

Alternating one week after another does seem disruptive.  At this point, everything about all of this seems disruptive; I'm having a hard time seeing the positives to any options if you kwim.

 

My dd's father and I decided that it would be best for our dd to have one main home base, though she considered both our houses "home."

 

I keep thinking one main home base makes sense ~ but that may well be because I want to be the home base. :-/

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Our arrangements have changed over time both because Marek's special needs no longer need to be taken into account and because Ex has remarried and now lives even further away.

 

The court would typically grant every second weekend to the non-custodial parent so that is the arrangement we have. It is no one's ideal, but no one is going to get their ideal so we follow standard procedure. I don't expect that to change in the foreseeable future.

 

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I divorced when dd was 18 months old. From that time until she was 6, my ex and I shared custody on a weekly basis. I'd have her for one week, Friday to Friday, then he'd have her for one week. I did this because we wanted to share the busy school/work week and a fun weekend. Neither of us wanted to be the weekend parent. This arrangement worked out well until he remarried the queen of h*ll. The dd lived with my ex during the weeks and I had her every weekend and every school holiday. We switched weeks during the summer break. Then when dd turned 14, she came to live with me and my ex became the weekend parent, though he didn't spend nearly as much time with dd as I did when I was the weekend parent. Dd had a real problem with her stepmom.

 

Oh and for holidays, we alternated who had her. One year I'd have her on Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve and he would pick her up on Christmas day. Then that would reverse the next year. We both wanted the fun of watching her wake up to presents on Christmas day, so it worked out well.

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A friend of mine has the following schedule

 

Week 1 Dad picks up kids from school/daycare on Thursday

Week 2 Tuesday, dad drops off at school/daycare and mom picks up.

Week 3 Thursday, mom drops off at school/daycare and dad pics up.

 

They used to have Thursday to Thursday but have changed because of the kids wishes, they want more time at moms.

 

They alternate holidays

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My dd would never have dealt with being away from me for more than a week at a time.  For a while, even with the week on/week off, she was getting sent home from school sick every Monday she returned to my house.  General agreement was she needed time with mom after being away for a week.

 

We started with week on/week off, switching every Monday.  One would drop off at school, the other would pick up.  This worked okay but was hard when she had to remember to bring dance shoes, etc. to school on Monday.  There was fairly frequent stopping at the other house to pick things up.   Then for a while her dad had rotating shifts at work so he would take her when he was on an 8-4:30 shift, I would have her for two weeks during the week, and we would alternate weekends.  That was nice because I had her more often, but it was very confusing for her to try and figure out where she was each weekend.  We had a calendar with it spelled out but she still didn't like it.

 

Once she was in high school she would come to my house after school every day and her dad would pick her up after work.  By that point I was a SAHM so I saw her just about every day.  Then when she had her own car, she thought things were much easier.  She basically kept all her crap in her car and didn't have to worry about forgetting things.

 

I always had her for dance competitions to handle all the costumes/hair/etc. Her dad would sometimes come watch her dance.

 

It was not uncommon for her to find excuses for why she needed to be at my house extra time.

 

Holidays are mostly split.  She starts the day at one house and finishes at the other.  We plan the big meals for different times and she nibbles at both.  I get Christmas Eve to Christmas morning every year because I have kids that still believe in Santa and she wants to be here for that.  She goes to her dads the afternoon of Christmas and the rest of us go to visit MIL about 3 hours away for a few days.  This still mostly applies even with her in college. 

 

I handle 99% of the college stuff.  He barely visits even though she's only about 45 minutes away.

 

We started out living in the same town, then when I married dh we lived farther away and I drove her to school in her dad's town (same school district she was in at time of divorce) every day of my weeks.  For high school, she switched to the school in my town and he had to drive her until she had her own car (junior year) which we had bought for her and he paid us to cover gas and use so she could have it while at his house.

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My situation has since changed dramatically (kids are with me 100% and see their father, who moved out of state, once or twice a year), but when we first divorced it was something like this:

 

We sold the house we'd lived in together.  We chose to move into the same mixed-used subdivision (I purchased, he rented) so that the kids would have the same bus stop and be in walking distance of the other parent.

 

Officially, they were with their dad on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and every other weekend.  I reality, we switched it up based on convenience and need for everyone.  Work needs often dictated what the looked like.  For example, their father was working third (overnight) shift for a while, so we had to adjust.  Another few years I was traveling constantly for work, so they were with their dad most of the week (usually at my house, because it was more convenient for the kids) and with me every weekend.

 

I think the point is that we chose to remain in close communication about the kids, and always did our best to accommodate everyone's needs.  We did follow the formal agreement, but altered it as often as necessary.

 

ETA: The same holds true now for DH and his ex-wife.  There is a formal agreement, but schedules change and needs change and desires change, and everyone works well together. For example, I often take my girls to do fun things on weekends (either an event, or an overnight trip, or whatever, and I like it when DSD can go, too.  I typically just call her mom and see if DSD can go with us, if she wants to.  Again.....open communication is always best.   It wasn't always that smooth, by a long shot, but we've worked it out.

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Ds's father and I split up just after his 1st birthday.  For a few years, Ex flittered in and out with no legal arrangement.  For a few more years, he flittered in and out *with a legal arrangement.
At one point, we wound up living close to each other and went with a traditional every-other-weekend arrangement plus a weekday evening.  We stuck to EOW when I moved farther away, except for the time Ex moved a thousand miles away again.

When ds was 13 (and Ex was settled relatively nearby again) he decided he wanted to live with his father, and I got EOW.  We keep it pretty flexible now that ds is older and we all have various things going on.  Holidays aren't usually a big issue since Ex was raised Jewish and I was raised Christian.

I don't like the fact that he's there more than here, but it isn't about me.

 

I'm separated now, but my husband doesn't have a normal people job.  He sees the kids when he can, sometimes takes them on weekends, and I consider that my break.  If he were able to to accommodate a more equal arrangement, I think I'd be thrilled.  We respect each other, he's a great father, and the kids adore him.  It would be good for everyone.  Obviously that's not always the case.

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This is actually really reasonable in many respects.  Oh, for a basement flat right about now!

 

 

My 16 and 14 yo boys attend the high school, while I still homeschool the two youngest.  I think the closeness of this lifestyle makes the idea of separate living arrangements even more difficult to digest.  I justĂ¢â‚¬Â¦I feel sick, honestly, when I think of my guys living elsewhere for a week (or longer).  

 

 

Alternating one week after another does seem disruptive.  At this point, everything about all of this seems disruptive; I'm having a hard time seeing the positives to any options if you kwim.

 

 

I keep thinking one main home base makes sense ~ but that may well be because I want to be the home base. :-/

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

I am so sorry.  With DH he probably wouldn't have a lot of choice since he travels so much and the kids are used to me being primary care giver.  They would probably just see him every other weekend or something.  But I take it your DH is very involved and wants equal time?  There is no anything that will be a good fit if both parents are used to and want to be involved on a daily basis unless you were somehow able to still either live right next to each other or maybe in the same neighborhood or something.  Would that be an option?  What do the boys think?  Since you are homeschooling the youngers I would think you would be seeing them every day, right?  It would just be a question of when you saw those that are in school and where everyone spends the night?  I am sending virtual hugs and cups of hot chocolate.  So sorry.  Whatever is decided upon, be prepared to adjust as needed.  Once it all shakes out you and your soon to be ex DH may find that you need to alter the arrangement to better suit the needs of your family.  But no, nothing is going to be perfect.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

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If you like the basement flat idea, you might consider, if it's possible to have one of you move to a neighboring home within walking/biking distance for the kids. Or building a cottage on or near the farm.

 

I know a divorced couple who lives in each side of a duplex and it makes it so much better for the kids not to have to leave either parent really.

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My brother was ordered by the courts to have a 50/50 custody split alternating weeks. They had no choice...some Michigan judges refuse to honor privately negotiated arrangements. It was horribly disruptive to his sons' s lives. The children petitioned the guardian ad listen for a change, pleaded really with their oldest brother, then 15, as their spokesperson. They were awarded three weekends per month and one night each week with their dad plus most of the summer, Thanksgiving week, and spring break, alternating Christmases. It was not ideal, but it worked so much better. Once the oldest could drive, my brother bought him a car and insurance, and often he would come home to find the boys at his place for the evening because their mother was out - she dated a lot, took night classes, and was on two bowling leagues - so informally, he spent more time with them at that point.

 

As a general rule, it seems that the 50/50 thing is just too disruptive. Generally it is probably better for one parent to be the full time parent and the other to hopefully make an effort to be very involved, sports, school, evenings, holidays, etc.

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With my step dd we tries sharing with one week here one week there when she was five for a few months, but it was too stressful for a 5yo to go back and forth like that. I have a good friend whose children see their father every other weekend and every Wed night, and it worked for a long time, but now he has a new gf and is being pretty flaky with the kids, losing homework, clothes, ect and she is having a hard time getting it changed, because he doesn't want it changed and the courts don't like to make large changes for children. She would just like to change the Wed nights and have them come home on Sunday night so she can make sure they are ready for school, but judges don't like to change what you have been doing even when it stops working, and the ex won't admit he is not being a decent parent right now. But it is hard for the kids to turn up at school on Mon and Thurs in dirty/ too small clothes, no home work, ect.

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:grouphug:

 

 

My parents were divorced. We lived with my mother, and my father had court appointed weekends and once a week in the evenings. Both of my parents were flexible though. If my mother wanted us for a weekend activity or my father had something going on that would make taking us on a weekend difficult, that was okay, If my father wanted to switch his weeknight, they switched. Also if he wanted to see us more often during the week my mother was okay with that.

 

They made major decisions jointly, but my mother made minor ones.

 

The year before my father died, my mother remarried and we moved to Florida. He gave approval on the condition that we spend Christmas break and all summer with him. We had one Christmas vacation with him, then he died before the summer, but that's how it would have played out had he lived.

 

From what I've seen, it works best when there's a set visitation schedule but both parents are flexible.

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50/50 custody split here, with DSS.  It wasn't a perfect solution, and I'd recommend a different schedule but this is what worked for DSS's mother's work schedule:

 

Alternating school nights with each parent (this is where I thought it could be improved - spending more than one night in the same bed, with the same rules).  Alternating weekends.   All major holidays were alternated as well, as well as the minor holidays, school holidays, & special family days.  There were 35 listed holidays, I think?  They included things like bdays, halloween, 4th of July, etc.  

 

All pick up/drop offs took place at school (one parent would drop off/the other would pick up) with the exception of summer time or some special arrangements re: holidays.  Obviously we maintained full wardrobes and second sets of everything in each house, since drop offs/pick ups were taking place at school.  

 

Depending on the age of the kids, I've seen it recommended that the time with each parent be lengthened.  So for an older child, it would be more like one week on/one week off.  We never did that, again, because of DSS's mom's work schedule.  I think this was an issue for DSS, though he would never have said so, it just felt a bit ... schizophrenic.  :)

 

My own parents took a different approach: they bought a new house, and I lived in it.  They alternated weeks with me.  So they moved each week, rather than me.  This worked for a year or two, until I preferred to live with one parent only, and visit the other.  

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I think the point is that we chose to remain in close communication about the kids, and always did our best to accommodate everyone's needs.  We did follow the formal agreement, but altered it as often as necessary.

 

ETA: The same holds true now for DH and his ex-wife.  There is a formal agreement, but schedules change and needs change and desires change, and everyone works well together. For example, I often take my girls to do fun things on weekends (either an event, or an overnight trip, or whatever, and I like it when DSD can go, too.  I typically just call her mom and see if DSD can go with us, if she wants to.  Again.....open communication is always best.   It wasn't always that smooth, by a long shot, but we've worked it out.

 

 

First  :grouphug: because divorce is hard.    But, I think the above is really important, even if it is really hard.  

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I don't want to sound patronizing, because I know you already know what I am about to say:

You are in a life situation where you have to choose from a set of crappy choices and you'll need to choose the least crappiest for you and your kids. {{{hugs}}}

 

A good book on the topic:

 

http://www.amazon.com/Moms-House-Dads-Isolina-Ricci-ebook/dp/B00BSBVJXC/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414077347&sr=1-1&keywords=mom%27s+house+dad%27s+house

 

As you may remember, my personal circumstance was very contentious and hostile (not by MY choice.) Know that you may not have too much say on how the next 16 years go down. Like a marriage, co-parenting well takes 2. It only takes ONE to ruin it.

 

We did the standard Texas "thing" where I had custody and he had 1, 3, 5th weekend, a weeknight option (which he never exercised), and we alternated holidays, spring breaks. We split the summer. As another poster mentioned, it is somewhat cumbersome as they age in terms of teen activities. XH lives over an hour away (his choice) but I am still bound by the decree, and the kids miss social events they would prefer to associate with.

 

I always made events on "his" weekends such as sports, performances, etc. He did not do the same.

I took the advice of others in adversarial - high conflict situations and learned to not deviate from the written plan. That went against my heart and ideal for co-parenting, but it was the best advice for my context.

 

I handled all medical but he *could* have been a part. He eventually "fought" me on homeschooling for one of the kids, and I eventually caved to stop the $350 an hour of billable hours of an attorney. That child eventually graduated from where I work and the others attend. I pay for it in full with my salary.

 

Apparently they were "confirmed" at his church - the decree mentioned we each had full responsibilities and rights for education, religion, etc.

 

Although I hated to hear it at the time, some of the best advice I got was to make my choices assuming I would never, ever see a dime of child support.

 

 

 

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As a general rule, it seems that the 50/50 thing is just too disruptive. Generally it is probably better for one parent to be the full time parent and the other to hopefully make an effort to be very involved, sports, school, evenings, holidays, etc.

 

Agreed. Everytime I think about it, I am sorry for those poor kids having to remember so much. And if they forget? Do they go back to the other house to pick stuff up? Or just go without half the time? Or have 2X the stuff so they don't have to remember?

 

The one house or the kids house being the main house and the parents moving back and forth seems more fair -- though probably still somewhat disruptive.

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This is actually really reasonable in many respects.  Oh, for a basement flat right about now!

 

 

Could you possibly put a trailer on the property for now? 

 

The trailer would be home base for one of the parents. It should have at least one and preferably two extra bedrooms so the boys could sleep there whenever they like. Ideally both parents would have a good bit of free access to the main house. For example, you might live in the trailer, but school the boys at the main house. If xdh lives in the trailer, he might have still use the mudroom, etc, on a daily basis. 

 

This would allow the kids to stay put while still seeing each parent pretty much every day. 

 

You could even have a rough schedule of when each parent has 'control' of the main house, like he would know to expect you to be there during standard school hours. If he is in the trailer, maybe the plan is that you expect him to be at the main house every Tuesday evening and half the day Sunday (simply to be with the boys on home turf, and because the house will likely have nicer TV, bigger spaces for games, and so on).

 

Or you could switch from house to trailer every week, two weeks, or month - then it's the adults switching, not the kids. This could work quite well on a long-term basis if there is an extra room in the house, so that each parent has a permanent and private bedroom.  I've heard of parents who do this with a house and an apartment, they rotate and the kids stay in place. It would be even easier to do all on the same property. 

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I have sole custody, ex gets "open and generous visitation" meaning no set schedule, when he wants to see them I try to make it work but sometimes it doesn't.  WIthin that is also the extra terms of things like he can not drink while they are there etc.  He has no say in anything about their upbringing, all decision making is 100% up to me.  THis works out to him seeing them 2-3 times a year, which is better than the first decade where he opted to never see them.  It does give the kids the continuity of care they need/deserve and I don't have to wait for his input on educational choices, medical choices etc.

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I strongly recommend living as close to the other parent as possible. Within reason. I would have zero desire to live on the same property as my Xh. But hey if that works for people I say go for it.

 

I also am unclear how you would divide time if 2 kids are still being homeschooled. If I remember correctly your husband does none of the homeschooling.

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I keep thinking one main home base makes sense ~ but that may well be because I want to be the home base. :-/

 

Being able to recognize your bias and your willingness to come up with a solution that is workable and fair to everyone is a great strength. Too many parents get so caught up in the emotional storm of the split that they can't separate what they want from what will work best. :grouphug: 

 

I was trying to remember what that meant having a "home base" for my dd. (She is now grown and living nearby with a baby on the way. :) ) We were very careful to never talk about "visiting" Dad, and she took her things back and forth as she wished. It seems it was mostly a time and responsibility issue. She spent more days at my house because her dad worked and I was at home or able to take her to work with me. I was the coordinator, the one responsible for communicating with her school and coordinating her activities and therapies. I don't know if that's helpful at all. I was just looking back in my mind to see how that idea had played out in a practical sense.

 

Cat

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If your boys are old enough to self educate at least some of the time i would probably go for the one week on one week off schedule. Much of that depends on how much each parent can be with them during that time.

 

If your husband is still running the dairy he is on the property even when working right? Will you be working? These details matter when setting up a parenting plan.

 

My sister has 2 girls....ages 11 and 13. They spend a week at a time with each parent. Exchange is Sunday afternoon. I like this option because it allows the kids to do everything in their week while at one home.

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Although I hated to hear it at the time, some of the best advice I got was to make my choices assuming I would never, ever see a dime of child support.

 

No personal experience, but it is significant that ALL of my divorced friends have had child support issues.  And all whose X was still involved had custody agreement issues.

 

In a way, I think that you have to expect that these things are not going to go smoothly.  

 

One friend used binding mediation instead of going to court, and she felt like there was more flexibility in terms of getting an agreement that fit them.  The local judges are more strict 50/50, and that wasn't going to work for them.

 

The only one I've heard of that went smoothly involved no children. Both were working professionals. One weekend when the husband was visiting relatives, she moved out to a campground with their camper. She left a note that she didn't want to be married any longer and how she wanted to handle the house, bank accounts, etc.  He was good with that, and they shared the same lawyer and got it done.

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Some friends of ours had what seemed to be an ideal arrangement: they left the kids in the house and alternated which parent lived there, initially week by week. They had 2 sons, one who is a special needs child who needs constant supervision. It wasn't easy for them to do this. Eventually, their special needs son left for residential living, at around the same time the older son left for college. So the arrangement lasted for only about 3 or 4 years.

 

Repeatedly, I have heard children of divorced parents say that the hardest part of it for them was not having an established home base and this arrangement solves that nicely.

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My brother and his now ex-wife divorced when their dd was 4yo. Although my brother is a very involved parent, they had what I consider to be a typical (for our area) child-sharing arrangement - niece lived with her mom and her dad got her every Wednesday for the afternoon/night and then every other weekend. They also split all holidays in half.

 

The first couple of years was very difficult. I remember the first Thanksgiving, there was some miscommunication and niece was going to miss dinner at my parents' house. My brother got very upset and stormed out. It was yuck. We had to change our traditions for all holidays, because it was important for all of us to have my niece in attendance. It took a few years to get in the swing of things. Oh, and for the first couple of years, if we wanted to see my niece, we tried to make it happen on my brother's time. However, my parents and I really tried to continue a relationship with the ex-wife so that if something came up and we wanted niece when it wasn't my brother's time to have her, we could.

 

Now, niece is 14 years old and both of her parents have remarried. It appears to me that while her mom's house is still home base, she stays with whomever she feels like staying with. Both of her parents live in the same town, and while they really don't like each other much, they do get along for the sake of their daughter.

 

Although I have never been in your shoes, I would keep in mind that things will likely be more difficult in the beginning. Hopefully as everyone gets used to this "new normal" things will improve somewhat.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

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I have seen close to ideal for a not so ideal situation and then I have seen the usual shuffle.

 

1. Best scenario IMHO:

Children stay with the parent who stays in the home where they are used to living. The other parent stays close by. If your divorce is amicable and each parent supports their children wanting to skip over to Mom's/Dad's place, it can work well and seems least disruptive to the children.

 

2. The usual shuffle is what most people here described. I think the number one priority is to keep the relationship between you and soon-to-be-ex as cordial as possible for the sake of your boys. If this is impossible, simple decisions and arrangements seem to become unnecessarily contentious and stressful.

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I think some of the things that you will need to think about (that non-homeschooling parents don't) are:

* who is going to do the primary educating of your younger children?

* how are you going to work out if a change in education (home to school/school to home) needs to happen for your children? What if you and ex disagree?

* who is going to pay for discretionary extracurriculars (sports, instruments, school trips, etc.)?

* who is going to pay for co-enrollment stuff (typically child support ends at 18/high school graduation)--what if one of your younger children does a dual-enrollment at a community college before 18--who covers books and tuition? transportation?

* who will pay/decide if a child needs OT/PT/ST--things not typically covered by insurance plans, but sometimes is very much needed?

* how much input does ex get into your curricula decisions? (Can he say radically unschooling is not ok? Who pays for books? What if you want to do something super expensive and he doesn't?)

* will your former spouse provide support to you for you to remain at home educating your younger children (totally not unheard of, but rare)

 

I think laying out the specifics as much as possible in the initial decree saves a lot of stress later on.  Sure, a former spouse can try to re-open the plan and renegotiate, but provided that things are decently amicable at this point, agree with them while you can.... things can change as new individuals are brought into the mix as former spouses begin to date/remarry/etc.

 

Other issues that most parents deal with:

*If a child is on medication, in public school (where keeping medication on your person is not ok), how do you handle the medication transfer? What about things needed only at night (retainers, etc.)? Is the other parent obligated to bring the missing item over?

*Who buys/replaces sports equipment (my friend had a huge issue over a $300 bat that went missing at ex's--small issue in the big picture, but opened a big can of worms)

*Who decides if medical treatment is necessary in the realm of semi-discretionary stuff (braces, adhd evals, etc.)? Who pays?

*What happens when a child doesn't want to go with a parent during their parenting time? When can they decide?

*What happens when school/friend/kid events happen during a parent's parenting time?

*Who sets up the fund transfer for child support? Does employer send the $$$($) directly?

 

Some of this stuff you just have to work out, and it won't necessarily go into the parenting plan, but it's stuff to consider/discuss if things are amicable....

 

 

 

 

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My mom and my step-dad had split custody that they shared daily.  Dad picked us up after school and made us dinner, Mom picked us up from Dad's house and took us home.  Friday nights we spent the night at Dad's house.  This worked well with their work schedules.  It also had the advantage that we had fixed routines with each parent being an important part of our day.  For example, getting dressed and ready for school was always Mom's house, so we didn't have to move all of our stuff around.  Although custody was 50/50, Mom actually paid dad some child support to cover the cost of food.  It helped that we lived in the same neighborhood, and things were fairly amicable.

 

 

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My mom and my step-dad had split custody that they shared daily.  Dad picked us up after school and made us dinner, Mom picked us up from Dad's house and took us home.  Friday nights we spent the night at Dad's house.  This worked well with their work schedules.  It also had the advantage that we had fixed routines with each parent being an important part of our day.  For example, getting dressed and ready for school was always Mom's house, so we didn't have to move all of our stuff around.  Although custody was 50/50, Mom actually paid dad some child support to cover the cost of food.  It helped that we lived in the same neighborhood, and things were fairly amicable.

 

That sounds about as ideal as it gets. 

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Most of the divorced couples I know split the kids two weeks with one parent two weeks at another. One father didn't want the kids homeschooled and was a able to get a judge to put that in the custody agreement. One family was able to continue homeschooling. In the more friendly divorce, the parents both rented houses at opposite ends of the boundaries for the schools their kids went to so they could stay in the same school and just take different buses on different weeks.

 

I originally divorced in the 90's in Florida. The norm there at the time was for the mom to get full custody. I was even able to move my ds out of state without a fuss when I got a job in Colorado.I don't know what I would have done if I'd had to split time like my friends do.

 

Sorry. Once you're at this point, there is no good solution.

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As with the name change (or not) issue, I'm very glad I started this thread.  Your comments are giving me a lot to think about ~ though I'd rather not think about any of this, of course.  I appreciate the reminder to consider details such as who pays for extracurriculars, etc.  There are a lot of nitty-gritty details that I honestly don't think have occurred yet to Hans (and I'm sure some haven't occurred to me, either).  He sees it as a "simple" matter of dividing our assets, sharing the kids 50/50, and going our separate ways.  I'm sure every person who's gone through divorce wishes it was so easy!

 

My own parents took a different approach: they bought a new house, and I lived in it.  They alternated weeks with me.  So they moved each week, rather than me.  This worked for a year or two, until I preferred to live with one parent only, and visit the other.  

 

A friend suggested this.  I can see that in many ways, it might be easiest for the boys.  They'd just stay here, in the home they've always known and I guess eventually would get accustomed to the "new normal" of having a different parent be here from week to week.  On the other hand, something about this set-up strikes me as transient, too.  Like neither Hans nor I would ever feel settled, which in turn might create a weird feel in the home.  I don't know.  Maybe I just need to warm up to the idea.

 

Could you possibly put a trailer on the property for now? 

 

No.  We can't have more than one dwelling (even if the second is a trailer) on this property.  This was actually something we considered last year, when we remodeled our house.  (Yes, we just last year lived up in town while we poured a load of money into a remodel!)  

 

I strongly recommend living as close to the other parent as possible. 

 

The greatest distance between us would be a handful of miles.

I also am unclear how you would divide time if 2 kids are still being homeschooled. If I remember correctly your husband does none of the homeschooling.

 

I expect him to propose that I stop homeschooling.  I'd like to continue for through at least this year and possibly next.  This will have to be discussed along with everything else.

 

If your husband is still running the dairy he is on the property even when working right? Will you be working? 

 

Yes, regardless of who lives where, he's at the property every day doing farm-related work.  I will eventually need to work ~ somewhat dependent on the schooling situation.  But sooner or later, of course, I'll need a job.  Don't ask me right now what that will be. ;-)

 

One friend used binding mediation instead of going to court, and she felt like there was more flexibility in terms of getting an agreement that fit them.  

 

Yes, the goal is a collaborative divorce, which utilizes attorneys and other professionals while avoiding litigation.  Right now, it's difficult to imagine how we can achieve anything collaboratively.  But I do know we both have the boys' best interests at heart and our attorneys (and others who would be involved) are very experienced in this approach to divorce.  So, we'll see. 

 

 

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Most of the divorced couples I know split the kids two weeks with one parent two weeks at another. One father didn't want the kids homeschooled and was a able to get a judge to put that in the custody agreement. One family was able to continue homeschooling. In the more friendly divorce, the parents both rented houses at opposite ends of the boundaries for the schools their kids went to so they could stay in the same school and just take different buses on different weeks.

 

I originally divorced in the 90's in Florida. The norm there at the time was for the mom to get full custody. I was even able to move my ds out of state without a fuss when I got a job in Colorado.I don't know what I would have done if I'd had to split time like my friends do.

 

Sorry. Once you're at this point, there is no good solution.

I was thinking the same thing, our agreement has in writing that I can get passports and take the kids out of country without his permission, yet he can not leave the city we were living in when we made that agreement with them without my written consent (though I do allow them to go to his house which is 3 hrs north of that city now, without making him get written permission for those visits now that he has been seeing them for a few years).

 

He and I get along mostly if we keep it to fb and only on the kids.  We still fight otherwise 13 years later, typically when he thinks he has the right to blame me for my ds16s mental illness or insults my kids.  I am so very very glad we do not have a shared agreement like so many do these days, and according to my kids so are they.

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Although I hated to hear it at the time, some of the best advice I got was to make my choices assuming I would never, ever see a dime of child support.

Yup.  I was not married to my ex (thankfully), but I have sole full custody of the kids.  No courts-he just is not interested in being in the picture.  He has state ordered child support to pay, but he is now behind a whooooole lot of zeros. Every time I suddenly get it, I can't expect it.  I set myself up for a lot of disappointment if I do.  

 

I don't know any amicable custody agreements, I'll admit.  And I know many in this situation.  Mine is as close to amicable for me as it can get because I can't imagine being without my kids and my ex can't imagine being left with them.  I will admit it's one thought that nags at me every time dh and I get into a relationship funk.  I can't put my kids through that.  I hate that I think that way, but it's true. 

 

Here it's almost always 50/50 or every other weekend (if the father chooses it because of work schedule or whatever).  

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I like the idea of one house and the parents moving but how would that work in a situation like what mine became - I remarried and had two more children?   Would my younger kids not have me around every other week?  Would my entire family move into the other house?  If not, it would have been very hard for my daughter to have any kind of relationship with her stepdad and siblings.

 

When I was first divorced, I had no intention of remarrying.  In fact, I often stated I would not be getting married again.    So it certainly wasn't a consideration when making plans.

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I like the idea of one house and the parents moving but how would that work in a situation like what mine became - I remarried and had two more children?   Would my younger kids not have me around every other week?  Would my entire family move into the other house?  If not, it would have been very hard for my daughter to have any kind of relationship with her stepdad and siblings.

 

When I was first divorced, I had no intention of remarrying.  In fact, I often stated I would not be getting married again.    So it certainly wasn't a consideration when making plans.

There is the real issue. Change happens, and it is hard to plan for in a divorce situation. I do not have one friend who has divorced in which a remarriage, hers or her ex's, was not a complete game changer. All the work that was done to make nice during the divorce can go out the window when one party marries someone who has their own needs, wants opinions. People say they would not marry someone who would mess with their children, but it is simply not reality. People marry someone who demands changes with the children all the time.

 

A good friend always had an agreement with her ex that she had final approval over any babysitter he hired at his house. She also had the agreement that her kids would be bought back to her if they were sick and she would make up the visitation another time. Now his new girlfriend does not want to run her babysitters by my friend, and their dd had strep last summer and she was not allowed to come home, probably because the new girlfriend did not want the hassle of rescheduling the visitation. So the sick child had strep with a strange babysitter while her dad was at work. They are going back to court after five years of getting along. Not cool.

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There is the real issue. Change happens, and it is hard to plan for in a divorce situation. I do not have one friend who has divorced in which a remarriage, hers or her ex's, was not a complete game changer. All the work that was done to make nice during the divorce can go out the window when one party marries someone who has their own needs, wants opinions. People say they would not marry someone who would mess with their children, but it is simply not reality. People marry someone who demands changes with the children all the time.

I have repeatedly seen this in my circle of divorced friends. Many settle into a custody arrangement that works for both them and their ex's, including being flexible when it benefits the kids busy schedules. Then, one gets married. Suddenly, step-parent/ex's new spouse wants to parent my friend's children, change up the schedule - lose the flexibility, look over the divorce decree and even threaten to see that ex gets full custody.

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I don't know if any of this will help, but I've been through two different custody situations, one involving Ex and his ex-wife over DSS (now grown), and the other when Ex and I divorced a couple years ago and our two kiddos. 

 

When Ex and I divorced, we agreed that it was very important to maintain a sense of stability for the kids.  Their home stayed the same.  Their schooling (homeschool) stayed the same.  I continued to stay home with them and not work outside the home.  When we both lived in the same state, the kids lived with me and went to his place every other weekend.  He would come to any special events and the like when he was able to, also.  Now, however, he lives in a different country, so the kids are with me all the time and only see/talk to him via Skype and texting.

 

When DSS was young, his mom lived in a different state than we did.  So DSS lived with us during the school year and was to go to his mom's house at Christmas, Spring break, and over the summer.  He never got to actually really do that, though (long story).  After much drama and custody battles (more long story), DSS lived with us permanently.  He didn't even see his mom between the ages of about 6 and 16.

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My parents divorced and my mom opted to move 2 1/2 hours away...and I chose to go with her.   My dad wanted me to visit.  My mom would have taken me had I asked.  But I didn't want to.  He had been mean and a bully IMO and I didn't want to be there.  So I rarely went unless it benefited me in some way.  I hurt him and I regret it.  But I wasn't forced to visit.  My sister was 2 years younger and mom insisted on seeing her.  So they met up halfway every other weekend to get her to mom.  My sister hated coming.  She saw mom as this evil person who ruined her perfect life.  She still has a horrible relationship with my mom.  My dad and I are good...not as close as he and my sister.  But it's good.  I think having him welcome me...but not force it...helped me see that he wasn't the only bad guy in the divorce.  I think mom forcing my sister to visit (which did ruin her weekend plans) made her resent mom more.  

 

Obviously you plan on being in the same town....so perhaps one of you can live close by.  And forcing a week here or a week there not happen....be more flexible in regards to school and such.  If he's working the farm all day does it matter if they are at your place doing school?   Can't they just come home when dad's work time is over?  Seems like being in the same town should be easier to plan out. 

 

As for costs of kids....my mom paid for my things, my dad paid for my sisters.  It wasn't fair.  I worked in high school to buy my own soap!  I paid my way to college. My sister was given anything and everything she wanted.  Dad would bribe me once a year to come live with him.  I hated that.  I opted to be poor with mom.  I liked the freedom my own money brought me.  But my point is....if your job pays less than his...you need something in place for who pays for what.  Sadly, my parents bought a car between when I moved from one house to another in college.  Seriously....mom had bought a car for me, dad bought it from her when i moved to his place, and she bought it back when I went back to mom's....all college age.  Don't make things difficult.  Come up with something you won't regret later on when your kids sit around talking about the divorce. I lost a lot of respect for BOTH my parents after the divorce.  Their behavior was awful.  However, I have been impressed with how some people deal with divorce.  Don't sink to his level.  Be smart in what you say and do in front of your kids 

 

((HUGS))

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My favorite divorced parent arrangement was a friend of my daughter's when she was younger. The two girls did the old fashioned, stay with mom on Mon, Tues, Thurs with alternating weekends with dad and every Wednesday with dad. The parents were incredibly flexible about it. The girls could change it up as needed and no one kept score. My daughter's friend could stay at our house on 'dad's' time if she wanted without guilt. It was fantastic. The new spouses of the parents all got along and they did big occasions like graduation and birthdays together. You could tell the parents weren't close at all, they were simply mature and nice.

I have another friend who has a one week here and one week there arrangement running from Wednesday to Wednesday. It works for the dad's touring schedule (he can take his son with him often) and no one hogs the weekends.

Colleen, I'm sorry you're going through this. I do feel that if anyone can put together a good plan, it is you.

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This is pretty much a standard Texas State visitation schedule:

 

Wednesday or Thursday nights from 6-8pm

every other weekend from 6pm on Friday to 6pm on Sunday {think 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends}

30 days in summer

alternating Thanksgving each year

1 week at Christmas, alternating the actual day

all of public school spring break {regardless of homeschooling}

 

It is assumed the kids will be with Mom and Dad will do the visiting.

 

Whatever the papers say, you can still be flexible to make life work for you/your guys as time goes on. The papers become your fallback. Oh, and document EVERYTHING!

 

Texas also has a standard child support schedule based on non-custodial {that would be your ex} parent's income. 

 

:grouphug:

 

 

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Here there is a family tax benefit and which parent it gets paid to (in whole or part) depends where the child is spending their time. I assume the OP doesn't have access to anything like that, but if you do, you are very careful about how flexible you can afford to be.

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Since we had week on/week off and joint legal custody, we alternate who gets to claim her on taxes - I get the even years, he gets the odd years.

 

We ran into the new spouse interfering issue.  Not on visitation but on college.  Ex's new wife thought dd should have to go to community college because her kids (whose dad was completely out of the picture so not contributing) had to.  DD had two sets of parents who were required by divorce decree to pay for college.  We ended up paying lawyers and going to various hearings, wasting more money than college probably would have cost him in the first place, just to have him required to pay in the end.  We knew he would because in NJ an in-state state school (which is what dd attends) is the standard in disputes.  He did get away with not paying room and board, and he basically offers her no financial support at all.  All he accomplished was to really harm his relationship with her.

 

Some of these schedules look way too complicated.  Too much to keep track of.  One thing dd liked better with the direct week on/week off was she pretty much always knew where she was going to be.

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