BIL Homeless

[bolt.]

DH and I just got a call from his mom. Her other son, DH's younger brother, has been evicted from his home (in another province) and has parked his u-haul, wife and kids for the night -- with no real idea of what to do next.

 

DH believes in helping those in need, but had declined a few months ago to bail out his Bro when he made a (not uncommon) 'about to be evicted' plea.

 

DH doesn't think money is the solution. BIL has difficulty keeping himself employed, but constantly views the world as full of new hope as something new always seems to be on the horizon after each transition/quitting/eviction. He thinks if he could just get ahead, things would be smooth sailing, but he always seems to be the victim of something. It's always someone else's fault, always a big bad injustice. When they are earning, they spend every penny. They smoke, have great electronics, and have recreational habits that are not normal for their income level. There is never anything left for the next crisis.

 

DH has changed his mind about helping out. Now that 'about to be evicted' is actually 'family members without a roof' he is ready to commit our resources to this situation. We are able to be generous this way, though not without consequences to ourselves, but our primary question is about whether helping is wise. It hasn't seemed wise before now, and it doesn't seem wise now... but it seems necessary now.

 

BIL is currently employed at a new (shiny! going to be great!) job, but was unemployed for a while, and wasn't paying his bills even while employed because his wife and teenage dependent were not employed. All are employed now. Paychecks should begin shortly. They also have a line on a new (better!) landlord apparently ready to take them in as soon as they can pay. We will find a way to pay directly to cover the deposit and one month's rent -- directly to the landlord. It will be a gift, not a loan.

 

We are doing this because we just *won't* sit cozy and affluent while our family members are homeless... it's not within our values to do so.

 

It gets them off the street, and into the next cycle, but it's not going to fix anything. He's not going to change. It feels bad. It also feels like a giant neon sign that tells them that we can and will step in at a certain (asphalt-related) point of their crisis filled life. I'm not happy. I feel good that there was something we could do, but I'd almost have felt better if we could have (honestly) wished to be able to help, but been apologetically unable to. I didn't realize quite how nice it was to have-been unable to afford to help in previous situations.

 

We've also offered to physically host and house them all, or any of the kids, anytime.

 

DH is over at his parent's house (local), trying to implement what we want to offer, and trying to help his hysterical mom cope. I'm hanging out at home. We leave for a work-won vacation to Mexico at 6am tomorrow. Is there any chance we might enjoy the vacation?

 

Anyone have words of wisdom? Any advice (that fits within what we have already decided, and the values here expressed)?

[datgh]

I would probably do the same as you and your DH are doing but I would only do it once and I would make that clear.  BIL and family need to learn how to handle their money otherwise this will be a repeating scenario. Hopefully being homeless will have scared them enough to learn.  I think you are also smart to give the money as a gift.  A loan would just become "the elephant in the room" every time you were together if it wasn't repayed. 

 

My brother ran into trouble and asked me for help recently and not for the first time.  He got a copy of Dave Ramsey's book instead.  Granted he wasn't in as tough shape as your BIL so I didn't send him money this time. (Note to little brother:  Don't ask me for help after you just posted about your new skis on facebook!)  Unbelievably, he actually read the book and has made some big changes as to how his family handles money.  He has a ways to go to get out of the hole he dug for himself but at least he is finally moving in the right direction.
 

[StephanieZ]

Ugh. What an awful situation.

 

Many years ago, we were in a comparable situation with a close family member. We did what we could. I don't regret it. When he died after a couple years of help from my family, we would have dearly regretted it if we hadn't done what we could. 

 

I agree with your values and your decision. Not everyone would, but I would. I'd do likewise. You can't fix all the worlds problems, but sometimes you can help. It's OK to do the kind thing. 

 

Just do what you can and then try to forget it and enjoy your vacation. If I were you . . . I'd conveniently discover that your cell phones don't work in Mexico and that your hotel has poor phone service . . . and be very hard to reach on your vacation, probably only giving emergency contact information to one trusted person who is committed to not contacting you unless your house burns down, a funeral needs attending, or a kid is in the hospital . . .

 

((((hugs)))) and kudos to you and your dh for being so kind and generous. 

 

If it were me, I'd consider this gift to come out of my charitable giving budget. (I am not a huge believer in formal charities, but I am a huge believer in helping those in need directly when and how I can . . . In Jesus's time and the time of any of the other holy books . . . there were not 501c3 charities, tax write offs, etc . . . Just poor people in need . . .) So, IMHO, if you do any other tithing or charitable giving, I'd cut this amount out of those donations until my budget was realigned with my overall plan.

 

 

[TianXiaXueXiao]

I feel for you. I don't really have words of wisdom. I've had family in similar circumstances, but I've never been in the financial situation to assist them. If I had the funds, I would offer assistance only under certain conditions. I agree with paying directly to the vendor (landlord, utilities, grocer, etc) and I would require that my family member attend consumer credit counseling workshops and show me proof of participation before payments went out. That's what I would do and it may seem harsh to some but at least they couldn't say that they didn't t know how to plan and budget for the future.

[bolt.]

I can't fathom them living in a uhaul until they meet any conditions... And I don't really think they'd live up to any promises or accept any advice afterwards. I wish it was different. I hate having no influence.

[texasmama]

You and your dh have made a decision to help at this time and in this way because it is what you can live with.  Your expectations are appropriate, and I think there is no one "right" answer here.  It is important to give the gift of help and then agree not to second guess your decision based on their future actions.  It is kind of like selling stocks.  You sell at the best time given your limited information, and then you let it go.  You don't keep revisting a decision you have already made and acted on.  If they end up homeless again because of irresponsibility, that does not mean that it is wrong to help them now.  I think you are going about it in a gracious manner with your eyes wide open.

[TianXiaXueXiao]

I can't fathom them living in a uhaul until they meet any conditions... And I don't really think they'd live up to any promises or accept any advice afterwards. I wish it was different. I hate having no influence.

I understand. I would certainly help them get into the house first but add the conditions for any ongoing support to happen. I hope they manage to turn things around. People have achieved pretty amazing transformations. They all wanted to change, though. That of course is the key.

[Cakes]

I think it is great that you are able to help, but if you are worried about setting a precedent, perhaps you could contact the landlord and make the payment anonymously. Or at least make the landlord keep your gift anonymous simply stating that the payment was made.

 

[Twolittleboys]

I think I would do the same (a bit academic as I do not have siblings/in-laws) - and probably would keep on doing it in the above situation as long as I could reasonably do so without compromising my own family's financial situation. I might feel different if it was a real downward spiral with addiction etc. but it doesn't sound like that. So yes, I probably would continue helping as possible/necessary. Maybe the fact that they got evicted for real this time will serve to make them a bit more careful in the future? Also, things might change once the kids are older/out of the home?

 

I would try not to dwell on it/be bitter about it. Sure, it isn't ideal but it is what it is. No point in letting it ruin your vacation. Is there any way of looking at it that would make you feel better? Can you look at this not so much as a consciously bad choice on your BIL's side but maybe as his inability to plan ahead or something (not saying this is the case - but maybe it would make it easier to swallow?)

[OneStepAtATime]

This is kind of out there but would your DH's parents and you and DH be able to get them into financial/family counseling?  Now that they have actually been evicted, MAYBE right now they MIGHT be willing to go if it were made a condition of helping out.  Certainly once they are back on their feet, if they haven't already committed, it probably won't happen.  But maybe right now?

[trulycrabby]

Been there, doing so right now as a matter of fact. :grouphug:

 

I would make it very, very clear that this in a one time deal, no exceptions, or they will expect and yes, even demand your help next time.

[brehon]

I think you and your dh are vey kind and generous. You are doing what you feel led to do without any expectations of change on family members' parts. I think that is very wise.

 

Telling BIL and family that you'll do X (pay a deposit on an apartment, set up utilities, buy groceries, etc) *only this one time* isn't a good idea as that simply won't sink in. All they'll remember is your help, not your conditions. (I realize that you didn't write this; I'm just responding generally.) Don't draw a line in the sand you're not willing to back up. You are wise, too, to recognize this.

 

I have no particular advice except to say that my personal line in the sand is my immediate family. I will not do something that significantly or long-term takes away from my kids/dh. So, hard financial consequences for my family = no financial help for errant, not willing to change family members. I will, of course, help out in other ways as I am able.

 

Enjoy your vacation and, as mentioned by a PP, don't answer your phones except from your 1 trusted contact.

[FriedClams]

My only advice would be to make everything a gift. No payback. No loans. It'll reduce any expectations in the future and may help with resentment later. I'm a Dave Ramsey fan and he always talks about Thanksgiving dinner being weird when money is "owed". Praying things go smoothly.

[Katy]

That's tough.  We've been there, we required them to meet some conditions for help (psychiatric treatment for known issues, and basically following Dave Ramsey's plan).  They refused and were dropped off at a homeless shelter that basically required the same thing.  They stuck with the program and got a job which they still have, but they've had ongoing issues since.

 

If you haven't read the book Boundaries, you should read it on the plane.  They got themselves in this situation because of stupid, selfish, and childish decisions, and you shouldn't let their stupid decisions affect you.

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd require them to sell all their expensive stuff, follow Dave Ramsey's plan, and possibly give them the additional cash they need after they sell all their junk.  One time shot, and I'd probably pay for the Financial Peace University course at a local church for them too.

[Mommyof4ks]

I think your plan for one time is a good one, because I would have a hard time letting a family member be homeless if I could help just the one time. Do make it clear that this is a one time thing and it is to help his kids not be homeless. After that I would take the kids in whenever this happens but leave BIL to figure out his own thing. The kids need to know they will have a home everyday no matter what their parents choices are, fear of having no where to live and nothing to eat changes a child's DNA and their personality for life. In this situation you cannot change the thinking of BIL which you know, but the kids need stability, so I would focus on being stability for them. That is a tough situation.

[Chris in VA]

It's awfully hard to let loved ones learn by consequence, esp when those consequences affect the "innocent"--esp children.

I think you are doing the right thing. Making it a gift is a great idea.

You might try being direct, if you can do it without a condemnatory attitude (I'm not sure I could) or a parental vibe. Offering to come alongside might help a bit, or it might drive you nuts, depending on your willingness to leave the result up to them, recognizing change has to come from them and is not in your control.

 

So, maybe something like:

"I'm willing to help you by paying your rent for a month. I feel sad for you to be in this situation, and concerned about you, because I love you and your family. I think you need to get more information about managing the money you do have. I see you spending a lot on what many consider luxuries; for example, your ipad and flat screen (or whatever). Do you want to go with me to the Financial Peace (insert good quality program here) class that's being offered at X place at X time? I'm willing to split the cost with you (so they "buy in") and drive you there."

[bolt.]

Getting ready to board the plane. MIL (local) has the money from us, to get to the new landlord (in anothe province) however that works out while we are away. DH feels ok, having done enough to feel good about leaving for the rest of this week. Hopefully he will be able to relax. (I'm ok. I'm a level-headed kind of gal.)