Chrysalis Academy Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 Ok, here is Shannon's first real effort at an essay - she's working through Lively Art of Writing and this was the topic she chose rather than one of the assigned choices in Lesson 3. She did some editing based on my initial comments. It's not perfect, but I can live with it. I believe that in a future lesson they will edit these earlier essays they write. In the meantime, is there anything in this you'd bring up with a kid? Or good enough for a first effort? I notice that it sounds much more stilted and awkward than her writing usually does. She's having a hard time embracing the "essay form" and has had mad writer's block. I know sometimes they regress in style and language when they try something new, so I'm hoping that her nice voice and style comes back as she gets more comfortable with the form. Oh yeah, she is an almost 12 year old 7th grader People who do not ride horses might think that the smaller the horse or pony you are riding, the easier it is. In reality though, it is just the opposite. Small ponies are much harder to ride than larger horses. You might think that smaller ponies would be more docile, and some can be. But if they already have pep and spice, a pony’s size is not going to make a difference in temperament. Horses have four gaits: the walk, the trot, the canter, and the gallop. The trot is a two beat gait, and the second fastest one. When you trot on a horse, you stand up and sit down in your saddle, in time with the horse’s trot. This is called posting. The smaller the horse or pony the faster the beat of the trot. The faster the beat of the trot, the faster you have to post, and the harder it is. Ponies’ trots have very fast beats, so you have to post faster and work harder than if you were on a horse, as a horse’s trot tends to have a slower and steadier beat. If you ride bareback (without a saddle) on a small pony you might notice that you feel rather un-balanced or un-stable, not sturdy. There is less to sit on; less to support you. Now try trotting, that bouncy fast beat trot, when you are already unsteady as it is. You will find it quite difficult to do without falling off. If you ride bareback on a larger horse, you will find yourself much more balanced and stable. You have a lot more under you, holding you up. And a horse’s slower, steadier beated trot is much easier to sit bareback. Ponies can be some of the most stubborn creatures on earth. Not that a horse cannot be stubborn, but most frequently it is the small wonders that cause the most trouble. Maybe it is because they are afraid they will be ignored otherwise. Sometimes a pony will stop stock still and refuse point blank to move when you are riding or leading it, and no amount of kicking or cooing, begging, whining, or screaming can get it to move. Some ponies will break out of their stalls over and over again no matter what locks you put on the door and get sick by gorging themselves in the feed room. Even though they know the results will not be good, they stubbornly do it anyway. Really the only thing easier about riding a pony than a horse is that you are closer to the ground if you fall off! But however stubborn, hard to ride, or unsteady ponies may be, they have big personalities, and they make great friends. Ponies may take on huge horses in food fights in the pasture, or try to get your attention by eating your book while you read. Ponies, with their bumpy trots and their immense stubbornness, have personalities that overshadow their small sizes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EndOfOrdinary Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 :) Yay! It is nice to have a product where you can say "See! It's Working!" Good Job, Mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 I would let it be esp. if they are going to be revisiting it in a future lesson. Does she ride? I can see her interest in horses and ponies come through. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrysalis Academy Posted October 22, 2014 Author Share Posted October 22, 2014 Yes, she's an avid rider and horse lover. It's the topic she *always* chooses to write about, given the choice. I often push her to pick something else but with learning a new form, I figured that writing about a familiar, loved topic would be the way to go. I always have a hard time figuring out when to let it go - revising/polishing, I mean. I think you guys are right, it is fine for now. It just seems to be filled with a preponderance of two-to-four letter words and a lot of repetition via awkward phrases. I'd like to see her tighten up her sentences. But I could tell yesterday she was done working on it for now. I know that in LAOW the author covers a lot of the style issues that I'm noticing, so maybe we can revisit it then. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hornblower Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 That's very good! Stick a smiley face on it and file it. Maybe, maybe, mention a few lessons later on the editing phase of scanning for repeated words, esp adjectives, and using varied sentence lengths. That's a separate lesson in itself though and it can be done really well with an old essay like this. IE pull out an old one and rewrite it - gets rid of the whole what am I going to write about and actually writing it down tension and let's you focus on style. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kuovonne Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 Awesome effort and a fun read. But I could tell yesterday she was done working on it for now. When they're done, they're done. It is so hard to resist the urge to try to fix just one more thing. I tell my kids that just because they're done doesn't mean that the composition is polished. I say it as much for my benefit as theirs. It just seems to be filled with a preponderance of two-to-four letter words and a lot of repetition via awkward phrases. I'd like to see her tighten up her sentences. While there are a lot of short words she also includes some wonderful vocabulary (docile, pep, temperament, cooing begging whining, gorging.) I also appreciate how she defined some of the vocabulary (posting and bareback). She has a solid understanding of the paragraph. I particularly enjoyed the closing paragraph. However, if and when you revise this piece I suggest that you look at adding some transitions linking the paragraphs to each other. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrysalis Academy Posted October 22, 2014 Author Share Posted October 22, 2014 Kuovonne, thanks for those comments! They are very helpful. You are right, I should give her credit for some very expressive vocabulary! And I think transitions would be an excellent thing to polish with this piece . . . in a couple of weeks. But that suggestion really helps me have something concrete to work on with her when we revisit it, so thank you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiwik Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 I think trot is the second slowest gait not second faatest. Like the conclusion. I think the distance to fall is critical. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrysalis Academy Posted October 23, 2014 Author Share Posted October 23, 2014 I think trot is the second slowest gait not second faatest. Like the conclusion. I think the distance to fall is critical. Ha! We got into a whole argument about that. I agree with you!! But she argued that on a continuum of speed, trot is the second . . . fastest? Being the second in line after the slowest, walking. I remain unconvinced. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cosmos Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 Ha! We got into a whole argument about that. I agree with you!! But she argued that on a continuum of speed, trot is the second . . . fastest? Being the second in line after the slowest, walking. I remain unconvinced. Well, she is not using the term in the conventional way. But sometimes these arguments aren't worth it. She'll come around to normal usage when someone (other than MOM) can't understand what she means. The essay is just adorable. I hope she wouldn't be offended by my saying that. She's doing great! I agree that transitions would be the next skill to work on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiwik Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Not worth arguing about I agree. It is obviously crystal clear in her mind. I think she did well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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