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Gifted people frustrated with non gifted people.


Sarah0000
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And I use the term "gifted" very loosely here.

 

I'm interested in hearing experiences of gifted children, and yourself as an adult, dealing with non gifted people. In particular, how gifted people may become frustrated when others don't understand what they are saying, need things to be explained in detail before comprehension dawns, just don't think as quickly, don't problem solve as well, etc.

 

If you are gifted, has the difference in intellectual ability between you and your spouse caused communication or expectation problems, or other issues?

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I am probably the cause of my spouse's frustration!  He is smarter.  At times I have watched my children become frustrated, but they learn to dumb down the conversation to make it in society.  It is frustrating and this is why we seek out PG relationships for them.  I am blessed to live in a community with many PG kids.

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My husband drives both my son and I crazy sometimes. And the same is true visa versa. Dh has flat out said, "that is just too abstract for me." He frequently comments on being "lost" when I am trying to explain or Ds is trying to explain something we are excited about. Ds and I get frustrated at the levels of superficial intimacy which are required in a lot of society. Dh gets upset that we cannot seem to "just go with it," that we always want to know why, or that everything for us needs to be logical or explained. He wants to be the one teaching us things, but does not want us asking questions he cannot readily answer. We are supposed to perform, not question. Ds and I are working on it. It is hard.

 

About a year-ish ago I really started to notice Ds and I having these great conversations where we both got all into it and started bouncing off each other's thoughts. It was so energizing, but it really hurt Dh's feelings. He is not interested in the topics (Latin, Spanish, ancients, Odysseus, conceptual mathematics, large scale philosophical discussion, social change through political action) and then feels hurt that Ds and I do not talk with him in the same way. When we try, he will either get uncomfortable or just tune out. I can very much commiserate with the idea of there just being a gap there which needs to be bridged. It is the very reason why I desperately lived in gifted denial about my son for so long - it can be so painful.

 

More than anything SKL is correct. I have been very upfront with Ds that he needs to learn how to negotiate the non-PG world. It is also one on the major driving forces behind him wanting to go to a top school. The top schools we have visited have been places where he has gotten so very geeked out with other students, they have been so excited to answer his questions and show him the level of instruction, and he has really felt very comfortable.

 

At this point, from 7am to 3pm Ds and I freely discuss anything. After that Dh comes home and we no longer discuss any school or academic pursuit. That has dramatically eased tensions in our house. Dh is also no longer involved in any homeschooling/ learning stuff. He gets uncomfortable that he cannot answer Ds' questions. Dh starts to feel like he has to prove himself somehow and it is not a good dynamic.

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To be honest, the most frustrating thing is the fact that we have to acknowledge the term at all.  Being "gifted" in our society means that there are two groups: the "less-capable," and the "more-capable."  Being "more-capable" is an immediate and debilitating handicap due to the additional burdens expected to be shouldered.  It would be far preferable to be inclined toward different talents, and not to try to differentiate based on a particular definition of intellect.

 

Wanting to elevate all of the individuals in a society is a noble goal, and not a frustration.  The frustration lies in the realization that many others cannot see, cannot hear, and cannot communicate from a universal perspective.  So, we bear the full responsibility for communication in the vast majority of interactions.  We have to adapt, because others cannot.  This is very uncomfortable for a person who wants to be a dull grey stone (functional) in a world full of glistening gems (the beauty of humanity and the machinations of the universe itself).

 

Sometimes, I wonder if the predominance of introversion among "the gifted" is mostly driven by the need to cope with the dichotomy.  An extrovert must decide, "do I bear the responsibility of the world as a vocal but embattled champion," or instead, "bury my talents so that I can blend in?"  How many have the stomach for option A?  How many children can even verbalize this dichotomy?  Whereas an extrovert may wish that the world wasn't deaf, the introvert is fortunate enough not to need to care.  Appreciation from others is nice, but not necessary.  Maybe they would wish muteness among a few, so that productiveness could accelerate unabatedly.  But, they don't experience quite as strong of a societal pressure to fit in.

 

As a parent, my attention is obviously focused downward.  For kids, who lack the social and emotional awareness to address their misfit social status, we are left to issue or deal with some unfortunate guidances:

 

"Try an enrichment course."     <-- There's no appropriate school for you.

"Embrace your uniqueness."    <-- You will never fit in.

"Pursue your dreams."             <-- You're on your own.

"Help others understand."        <-- Nobody understands you.

"You're a snowflake."               <-- And you're not all that special, either.  (I don't issue it, but I hear it frequently, which is infuriating)

 

Is it really any wonder why so many PG kids are also neurotic?

 

As bad as all of that is, and offensive as it must be to some, that list does not contain the most frustrating thing.  The most frustrating thing is the realization that the burden is real, that "gifted" is a necessary term.  All of the issues above can be addressed, or at least mitigated.  The implication of this last point is that unless we choose to bury our talents, we're powerless to do anything about being different.

 

No, communicating with others is not frustrating.  Being "gifted" is.

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I don't know if this will be helpful, since I'm the average one in my house. School bright, but not gifted like dh. When I ask a question, he has learned to ask me, "Do you want the long or short answer?" He means, do I want the summary sound byte, or do I want to take the time to try and really understand something. It helps that he is a natural teacher and can usually come "down" to my level. He has never shown frustration with me, though I suppose he might feel it sometimes. He usually just finds another way to express something if I don't seem to get it. I am also honest with him about when I think something is beyond me. He stretches me, but doesn't push.

 

With my kids, especially dd10, I often have to ask them to let me catch up to their line of thinking and remind them that their brains work faster than mine. They skip steps or make leaps that I have to work out explicitly. Sometimes they get frustrated with me, but it helps that I still have enough credibility with them, because sometimes they do still make mistakes that I catch in my methodical way. Ă°Å¸ËœÅ  I like to think that I am the one in the house that trains them to still be able to have conversations with the rest of the world and not feel like they are "better" than anyone else. It helps that they love me!

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My dh is very gifted in the maths and sciences.

 

We look at it like this.

 

Not everyone shares your passions. My dh can talk on and on about mathy science stuff. Fine. But he can't get frustrated and angry that others don't share that. It's unfair. I don't expect my dh to share my same enthusiasm about sewing or art. Getting angry and annoyed with him that he doesn't like it as much or have that same thirst for knowledge in those areas is silly.

 

It's the same with those who are fully immersed in the world of politics, certain eras of history, sports, music, you name it. When people have passions, they ALL have to adapt to others if they want to have relationships. My dd's music teacher has a passion and a gift for bassoon. It is clear! But we find common ground talking about other stuff. We're still good friends because there's more to life than bassoon. My dh and I have common ground because there's more to life than engineering.

 

We all have strengths and passions. We all have interests and some of us are more enthusiastic about certain things than others.

 

I don't expect my dh to get wound up about my passions; I find other like-minded people to get wound up with about those things.

 

On the other hand, when I go to engineering conferences with him, I fully expect that I will be doing some smiling and nodding, while thinking "I have no idea what these people are saying!" I don't get hurt or annoyed that he's found his tribe and they are enjoying the fascinating world of wastewater. :)

 

So here's what I do. I encourage my kids (both the academically gifted and the "average" kid) to have a wide variety of interests. My oldest is very gifted. However, she loves horses, and animals, music, crafts, and some television shows. She also enjoys different kinds of literature. This is what I love (and she's commented on this too...) about homeschooling. She doesn't get buttonholed as the "math" kid or the "science" kid or the "athlete."

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Plenty of non-gifted people also struggle with communication.  Plenty of gifted people do not.

 

I think the implication that having average or low intelligence means communication is not a challenge or not a burden is ... uninformed.

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I have a gifted brother who has trouble with communication.  However, he is most likely ASD.  His son, who is also ASD and high IQ, has a lot of difficulty conversing.  But other people in the family with high IQs do not share these communication problems.

 

I am very introverted and really dislike talking.  But I have never attributed it to my IQ.

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I do not see this as a gifted, non-gifted problem. This occurs anytime anyone knows something or has the skill to do something that another cannot understand or learn right away. If the person with the knowledge just happens to be gifted, patience for others is still taught the same way.

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I find that when I take the time to get to know (ahem) non gifted people, I usually find them to be gifted in, perhaps, non academic areas, but it completely amazes me that it appears most people have some giftedness. To say that a person gifted in schoolish subjects is somehow above those who aren't is incredibly rude. I understand where our society places its value, but I think it's incredibly ignorant.

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I find that when I take the time to get to know (ahem) non gifted people, I usually find them to be gifted in, perhaps, non academic areas, but it completely amazes me that it appears most people have some giftedness. To say that a person gifted in schoolish subjects is somehow above those who aren't is incredibly rude. I understand where our society places its value, but I think it's incredibly ignorant.

 

 

I really do not disagree.  I was incredibly good at school and really it has not translated into life.  LOL  Except for I am certain my love of homeschooling my kids stems from this in some sense.

 

My mom was a brilliant violinist.  Scholarships to unis and etc.  Was on tv.  Music is such an amazing gift.  I feel like its such a blessing to the world to be able to create that beauty.

 

My husband is a scientist.  he is a blessing too- he contributes directly to your safety (he does tox).

ahhh...this is it totally.

 

We have a friend of the family who claims to have NEVER read an entire book. However, who do we call when we have car trouble? He's a gifted mechanic. He totally understands the workings of engines and other mechanical items. Schoolish book learning...nope. But gifted...yes.

 

I wish our society was better about acknowledging the myriad areas of giftedness. I mean, it seems that right now, unless you are gifted as an athlete or as a scholar, your gifts go unrecognized.

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Plenty of non-gifted people also struggle with communication.  Plenty of gifted people do not.

 

I think the implication that having average or low intelligence means communication is not a challenge or not a burden is ... uninformed.

 

I hope this is not in reference to my previous post.  If so, please re-read, because that would be missing the point.  I never implied that communication is easy for anyone.  It's just that PG kids are almost always held responsible for bridging the gap.  My kids frequently hear, "your language is too complicated," or, "nobody understands you," when their vocabulary is simply more advanced.  Can the child with the lesser vocabulary bridge the gap?  No - the burden falls on the owner of the superset.  That's all.  There is no knock being made here.

 

To add, my opinion is more along the lines that everyone has unique gifts, and singling out kids because of testing or learning traits is detestable.  However, distaste doesn't change reality, whether I like it or not.  THAT is what is frustrating to me.

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I hope this is not in reference to my previous post.  If so, please re-read, because that would be missing the point.  I never implied that communication is easy for anyone.  It's just that PG kids are almost always held responsible for bridging the gap.  My kids frequently hear, "your language is too complicated," or, "nobody understands you," when their vocabulary is simply more advanced.  Can the child with the lesser vocabulary bridge the gap?  No - the burden falls on the owner of the superset.  That's all.  There is no knock being made here.

 

Notice that your examples show that the non-PG kids are the ones having to guide the PG kids to speak understandably, no doubt after making an effort to understand without stopping the conversation.  Both sides have a challenge and need to rise to it as best they can if they want to have a conversation.

 

I like to walk faster than most people.  But if I want to socialize, I have to adjust my normal walking speed to whatever speed the group is walking at.  I never considered it a "burden."  It is just what people do in a social situation.  There is no point feeling sorry for myself because other people don't speedwalk.

 

But if you have a child for whom it is difficult to talk to most people, that needs to be a focus to work on.  Practice until it becomes easier, just like my kid practices math until she can keep pace with her class.

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DH and I are similar in intelligence (he may be smarter). So are the kids (as far as I know). So it isn't really an issue at home.

 

My experience at work is that it really doesn't start being an issue unless the person goes well beyond simply not-gifted. 

 

But none of us are PG. 

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I don't think it's a gifted specific thing. I think it's a lack of common interests thing. There's a girl who was in our HS group last year who is identified GT and tests quite high, who's mom really, really wanted her to be friends with DD9. And the fact is, the two kids have nothing in common beyond IQ score, and it shows. The other girl spends a lot of time with her dolls, likes making clothing and accessories, and is all about MOnster high and Ever After High. DD is all about reptiles, amphibians, and math. They may be able to talk at the same level with advanced   OTOH, there are a couple of people in DD's herp  group who will tell you flat out that "I'm not smart", who barely graduated high school, went into the military, and spent their career as an enlisted non-officer, but DD can talk snakes with them for hours.

 

I do think it's harder for kids with unusual or asynchronous interests to find that common ground with peers their age, especially if they're stuck in same-age groups. That's why I like things like my Mythology club and the classes at Athenas and g3. It's not necessarily that everyone in these groups are GT, and it's certainly not the case that everyone there is PG. But having that common interest gives a place to start, and often other common interests are discovered.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I find that when I take the time to get to know (ahem) non gifted people, I usually find them to be gifted in, perhaps, non academic areas, but it completely amazes me that it appears most people have some giftedness. To say that a person gifted in schoolish subjects is somehow above those who aren't is incredibly rude. I understand where our society places its value, but I think it's incredibly ignorant.

 

 

I really do not disagree.  I was incredibly good at school and really it has not translated into life.  LOL  Except for I am certain my love of homeschooling my kids stems from this in some sense.

 

My mom was a brilliant violinist.  Scholarships to unis and etc.  Was on tv.  Music is such an amazing gift.  I feel like its such a blessing to the world to be able to create that beauty.

 

My husband is a scientist.  he is a blessing too- he contributes directly to your safety (he does tox).

 

 

ahhh...this is it totally.

 

We have a friend of the family who claims to have NEVER read an entire book. However, who do we call when we have car trouble? He's a gifted mechanic. He totally understands the workings of engines and other mechanical items. Schoolish book learning...nope. But gifted...yes.

 

I wish our society was better about acknowledging the myriad areas of giftedness. I mean, it seems that right now, unless you are gifted as an athlete or as a scholar, your gifts go unrecognized.

 

Our society seems to equate giftedness with academic achievement.  Giftedness is different brain functioning and it can be found in all walks of life.  Many of the high school dropouts and kids failing would likely be identified as gifted if we weren't looking at giftedness as academic achievement.  I wouldn't say that giftedness is better than nongiftedness.  It is just different.  Giftedness certainly has many downsides.

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Notice that your examples show that the non-PG kids are the ones having to guide the PG kids to speak understandably, no doubt after making an effort to understand without stopping the conversation.  Both sides have a challenge and need to rise to it as best they can if they want to have a conversation.

 

I like to walk faster than most people.  But if I want to socialize, I have to adjust my normal walking speed to whatever speed the group is walking at.  I never considered it a "burden."  It is just what people do in a social situation.  There is no point feeling sorry for myself because other people don't speedwalk.

 

But if you have a child for whom it is difficult to talk to most people, that needs to be a focus to work on.  Practice until it becomes easier, just like my kid practices math until she can keep pace with her class.

 

 

Again, communication is NOT frustrating.  The "gifted" label is.

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None of my kids have ever heard this in their life.  For reference oldest was told by neuro he had never tested anyone who scored so high in non verbal problem solving and vocab

 

Ymmv, I suppose.  It is very frustrating when people make assumptions about every child based solely on their own experiences, which seems to happen often.

 

Please note that my opinions were simply intended to address the Op, who was looking for honest perspectives.  Nobody in my family sports attitudes about being "gifted."

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I think most people using the term gifted are wrong.  I think the spectrum of normal has always been much broader and most people who think they're gifted are just on the farther end of the normal spectrum.  Sorry, folks.  If I bought into it not only would I be considered gifted, but all three of my kids would be too along with my husband.

 

My husband took the MENSA test at 46 years old.  He scored 99.6% on it.  Is he gifted by the most rigid standards?  Probably, but most people find him poor at communication when it comes to conversation as he can't always identify the main points or he spends time on pointless corrections and often misses the big picture.  Is he a genius?  By some standards, yes.  Is he socially incompetent and lacking in common sense?  Often.  So, I'd say there are just as many people out of the "gifted" category by all definitions who find him frustrating when he explains things because he can't always tell when background is necessary and when it's irrelevant.  English is a language notorious for words and phrases having multiple meanings and interpretations, but it never occurs to him that what he said can mean something else or be interpreted differently. He is often vague and abstract in situations when precision is appropriate.  When confronted and asked, "What exactly did you mean by that?" Then I list out several possible legitimate interpretations that never once crossed his mind. I also have to ask  " What exactly are you wanting me to do?" when he makes some statement or assessment about something.  He gets irritated that I couldn't read his mind. Vocabulary isn't the issue.  It was his focus on vague vs. specific that's the issue.  This is a huge component to communication.

 

If you are gifted or have a gifted child by any definition and your child knows it, you're obligated to use the Orson Scott Card phrase repeatedly "Genius excuses nothing. " Repeat it until you believe it and your child does too.  Humanity thanks you.

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Gifted is just different, not better.

 

But that doesn't mean this difference can't cause frustrations and tensions in interpersonal relationships.  I think that's what the OP was interested in hearing about.

 

I'm HG.  My sister is not.  This wasn't easy for her.  I always outperformed her academically, even though she was a much more diligent student.  She felt left out of dinner table conversations both because she just wasn't interested in politics and current events and because the conversations moved too quickly for her to fully participate.  (I didn't know this at the time, she expressed these feelings when we were both in our twenties.)

 

On the other hand, it wasn't always easy for me to be her sister.  We are the exact same height, but she is super thin, and I'm curvy.  I think I'm plenty attractive, but she got *a lot* of attention for her looks.  Repeatedly stopped in the streets by modeling scouts kind of attention.  Sometimes I hated it. 

 

I think its important for family members to recognize their differences, and accept that these differences can be painful.

 

 

 

 

 

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One thing I am noticing is that in quite a few instances here people are setting up a dichotomy where one side is "better" and assuming that is what posters are saying.  The OP does not place any kind of judgment on either side - they ask if it is frustrating.  When I read Mike's post it did not strike me that he was saying that either party was better or lesser.  He was saying that it is frustrating where the social burden falls.  That is not necessarily negative and the term "Social burden" is used a lot in situations where there is no negativity present just to explain dynamics.  Men have a social burden of recognizing feminism.  White people (in the US) have a social burden of recognizing racial issues.  Adults have a social burden of patience with kids.  In every one of these situations social burden is used to represent the status quo recognizing the minority.  It is the opposite with the social burden Mike is discussing - Gifted students are supposed to meet the status quo, that is their responsibility - but it could be equally shared.  It is opposite because somehow giftedness falls into a category of somehow being better culturally.  I cannot seem to find any place here where someone is saying that the giftedness actually makes them better or superior.  Nor do I see anywhere that people are saying they are somehow absolved of trying to communicate effectively.  People are just expressing the frustration which comes from the communication gap.

 

I am not feeling above my husband - far from in fact.  There is very little I wouldn't give to see the world the way he does and to matriculate the way he does.  I tried for years; I am still trying.  My son is currently studying social dynamics as if it were a class for school because of how much he wants to just get it the way other kids seem to.  The frustration comes from the very fact that we do see the world fundamentally differently.  In the case of our family, the difference is in "giftedness."  Dh does not explore knowledge, he does not think abstractly, he does not want to philosophize or do anything out of the box, he does not question.  It is not who he is.  He literally has said that he just wants to be "normal."  This does not mean that I don't have great conversations with people who are nonPG, but when it comes to my spouse I have to directly put on my "non-gifted" self.  That is not negative, but it can be frustrating to have to desperately try to shift myself into a mindset that I do not understand.  I can only imagine it is just as frustrating for him.

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I know someone told me once that I did not handle "stupidity" well - that I complained about it a lot. I am not sure if what I consider "stupidity" is just normal human behaviour that I deem stupid or if the person really is being stupid - because in this country I live in most people are complaining about stupidity on the political front and with mismanagement, but I do also complain about it in other areas that are perhaps less blatantly "stupid" to others. I am not referring to specific academic matters here - if someone does not understand a Math problem then I believe they could be taught in some way and often that the teacher has perhaps been "stupid" - I am referring to people making life decisions that seem "stupid" - and actually I told the person that said this to me that then perhaps I was also "stupid" if I could see the stupidity and not figure out a way to solve it or to prevent it affecting me. :)

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I know someone told me once that I did not handle "stupidity" well - that I complained about it a lot. I am not sure if what I consider "stupidity" is just normal human behaviour that I deem stupid or if the person really is being stupid - because in this country I live in most people are complaining about stupidity on the political front and with mismanagement, but I do also complain about it in other areas that are perhaps less blatantly "stupid" to others. I am not referring to specific academic matters here - if someone does not understand a Math problem then I believe they could be taught in some way and often that the teacher has perhaps been "stupid" - I am referring to people making life decisions that seem "stupid" - and actually I told the person that said this to me that then perhaps I was also "stupid" if I could see the stupidity and not figure out a way to solve it or to prevent it affecting me. :)

 

I would have thought you were talking about dw, but I don't think that she is bothered by stupidity.  She is perfectly content to ignore it and the mouth that spews it.  :)

 

The ways in which people react to the world provide me with endless entertainment!

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I would never tolerate such a "problem" from my kids, personally.  

(Stealing SKL's speed-walking analogy, it'd be like my kids/myself/my husband walking faster than the group, then expressing annoyance with the group for not keeping up with them.)

 

Regardless of intelligence, I have always found some people can communicate ideas and intentions well and some do not.  

Also, I can be more intuitive and vague with some people and have to be more concrete and specific with others.  This isn't necessarily an intelligence issue, either.

 

 

With regards to my spouse in particular, it'd be a hard guess which of us is smarter than the other.  Verbal (and rhetoric), I can talk circles around him and leave him dizzy.  Visual-spatially, OTOH, he tends to be able to understand systems and connections far better than I and doesn't understand why I can't see themĂ¢â‚¬Â¦ We both love to learn, explore and discover, though.  It's a big part of why we decided to hang out together for the rest of our lives, actually.  :)

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Let me try this differently. I'm not "gifted"

 

However, I have a passion for farming and cattle raising. Due to our raising of registered Angus Cattle, we have deep. deep knowledge of cattle, bloodlines, beef, etc. I can quickly fall off the deep end in discussing "what we do." I can talk over people's heads and use jargon and terminology with which they are unfamiliar.

 

If at that point in our conversation, I get frustrated and irritated because they are not following my rapid fire discussion or understanding the words that I am using, we are not establishing a rapport, we are not communicating. If they ask me to slow down and clarify, I'm not "bringing the conversation down to their level." I am explaining something that I know and they don't. I can complain that they need to be able to follow the "status quo, " whatever that is. Or I can be enthusiastic that they are interested enough to ask questions.

 

To truly communicate with others and establish social relations, you have to be able to tell when you are getting in too deep for your audience. Sometimes, people are truly trying to understand but if I don't take it easy, and they get the sense that their ignorance on that particular topic is irritating to me, I will come off as being a "know it all" or a snob. Other times, they may not be all that interested, or just want the quick summary. Knowing which is which takes some social savvy.

 

I think what's hard is to find a "tribe" for your kids, where they can follow and discuss their intellectual passions. However, they also have loved ones who are trying VERY hard...siblings, cousins, parents..who may not be quite as "sharp" but still love them and want to communicate. As a parent, you have to kind of guide them through these social situations. Of course, they can always be themselves, but certain groups ARE going to connect differently about different topics.

 

Every communication issue can be a source of frustration. I think what people are trying to say is that this is not necessarily confined to gifted vs. non-gifted.

 

I was thinking a bit ago about a brilliant engineer I met at one of my dh's conferences. He was so sharp and was presenting a paper on using waste by products to produce energy that can then be reused by the wastewater department. He was so patient in explaining stuff to me, a non-engineer. His passion was to share these ideas with people, and he knew his stuff well enough, and was truly interested in sharing the subject matter, that he could break it down so that the dumb old homeschooling farmer lady from Tennessee could follow his logic.

 

That's the kind of brilliance that I can appreciate!

 

I also think this gets easier as kids get older. The kids themselves learn to communicate about a much broader base of knowledge, they learn that the whole world isn't as enthusiastic about solar flares, the medieval period, dragons, or whatever passion they enjoy. They also are exposed to a broader set of people.

 

 

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I also think this gets easier as kids get older. The kids themselves learn to communicate about a much broader base of knowledge, they learn that the whole world isn't as enthusiastic about solar flares, the medieval period, dragons, or whatever passion they enjoy. They also are exposed to a broader set of people.

 

This is so true.

 

I think college was super important for my social skills as a gifted kid.  It was great to find out that 1) there are people way smarter than me, 2) smart people come in a lot of different flavors.  There are really smart people that I don't actually have much in common with.  You have to work to find common ground in a conversation.  (And you actually want to, because they are such smart, interesting people.)

 

Studying abroad was also really good for me.  Language immersion is a great way to experience what its like to live in a world where you are always behind the ball.  You may be an A student, but the native speakers can talk circles around you.  Great for a little humility.

 

I could use some of these lessons now.  I've been a lawyer for eight years, and I've gotten a little too used to having co-workers who are as smart as me, and smart in the same ways.  It's a dream come true, and yet I can get frustrated when I'm socializing with non-lawyers.  I have to work to find common ground, and sometimes I just don't want to bother.

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And I use the term "gifted" very loosely here.

 

I'm interested in hearing experiences of gifted children, and yourself as an adult, dealing with non gifted people. In particular, how gifted people may become frustrated when others don't understand what they are saying, need things to be explained in detail before comprehension dawns, just don't think as quickly, don't problem solve as well, etc.

 

If you are gifted, has the difference in intellectual ability between you and your spouse caused communication or expectation problems, or other issues?

 

My mil & fil have a large gap in intellectual ability. Fil has a phd in a highly specialized scientific field and has spent his whole career doing research. Mil barely graduated high school and isn't the brightest. They married on a whim almost 40 years ago; they had known each other growing up, but had never dated and hadn't seen each other in several years. On paper they shouldn't work at all, but they are actually very well matched. Even though there is a big gap intellectually, they share common religious beliefs, political views, and child-rearing styles. They have similar habits (both early risers), similar hobbies (both love playing card games & word games), and a very similar view of the world. They are both very black & white thinkers who don't see nuance. They both avoid difficult issues and prefer to handle problems in passive-aggressive ways.

 

There is a gap. There have been times where a conversation between fil and one of his children will leap past mil, but she usually just wanders off to talk to someone else. Sometimes she'll point out that she's not following the conversation in a self-deprecating way, and fil is not very good about contradicting her when she puts herself down or taking the hint to be more inclusive with the conversation. Mostly, though, it doesn't cause problems between them. They are in sync in so many other ways that it doesn't matter that mil can't follow a description of fil's research. He talks about his scientific interests with those that get it, and he and mil connect in other ways.

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I am surprised that so many people here seem to think it is inappropriate to be frustrated when a person has to modify their expression from what is natural or comfortable for them.  

 

I understand it is appropriate to do, and a very valuable skill.  

 

For ME, it is frustrating to ALWAYS have to be vigilant to modify my word choices in nearly every context.  The only people in my daily life who I don't have to do it around are my children - although speaking to children in general also involves modifying how one speaks.

 

Additionally, I find that I have problems at times assigning motive to people.  To me the general context of things is obvious, so I think their actions are coming with that same general context.  However, over the years I have found that this is another area where I have to be vigilant to consider the perspective of the other and the possibility of their lack of background context and how that affects their choices.  I understand this is a good and important skill too, but I believe it is valid for me to feel frustrated about it sometimes.  I find it is easy to not assume shared context when I am dealing with people cross-culturally, cross-generationally, etc., but when people are coming from what I expect to be the same background as I do and they do not have the insight into that background it causes misunderstandings which I do sometimes find frustrating.

 

ETA:  FWIW, I am not generally a "quick thinker", so I have been on both sides of that frustration - being one step behind and being one step ahead.  I'd say the level of angst involved is very situational - it usually isn't a big deal to me, but when I am playing some board games it can make them less fun. :)

 

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I am surprised that so many people here seem to think it is inappropriate to be frustrated when a person has to modify their expression from what is natural or comfortable for them.  

 

I understand it is appropriate to do, and a very valuable skill.  

 

For ME, it is frustrating to ALWAYS have to be vigilant to modify my word choices in nearly every context.  The only people in my daily life who I don't have to do it around are my children - although speaking to children in general also involves modifying how one speaks.

 

 

This is SO the point! 

 

Honestly, I don't believe this is a "gifted" vs "non-gifted" issue -- the statistics from personality theory do not support that.  However, those same statistics do show that certain personality types are more prone to be "gifted," which is whence these comments stem.

 

Nobody is saying that anyone is free of social responsibility, or that the responsibility is not worthwhile.  The OP asked if anyone ever gets frustrated due to communication, and the answer is clearly "yes," based on the discussion in this thread.  It is not even ok to express opinions openly, because words will be misstated, and intents misread.  This is the world I have to teach my kids to live in, and that is ok.  There are worse problems to have!

 

What is frustrating to me is that labels are necessary for people to understand that the rest of the world is not, will not be, and should not be just like themselves.  For "big-picture" thinkers, it is easier for them to communicate concretely than for their audience to abstract, so the burden of communication is disproportionate.  Such is the nature of life.  The label is there to help you understand that there is a different perspective out there -- not wrong -- just different.

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I don't see why you have to tell your kid "you all don't relate the same way because you are gifted and they aren't."  Why not, "all people are different"?  Beyond preschool age, it shouldn't be "frustrating" that everyone isn't keenly interested in everyone else's hobby.  It's just reality.  If people are frustrated by what reality is, that is a problem to work on.

 

My dad's cousin is mentally challenged.  He can go on and on about his guns.  My brother is highly intelligent.  He can go on and on about his computer innovations.  They both have the same exact problem!  It has nothing to do with IQ and everything to do with hyperfocus, which is in conflict with consideration for others.  The difference between the two is that it is probably more compassionate to point this out to the high IQ person than to the low IQ person.  Maybe.

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My average-IQ daughter is hyper-focused on looks and fashion.  Should she be frustrated that nobody else wants to discuss nail polish and hair designs at great length?  No, she knows that she needs to save those conversations for when she's getting her hair or nails done by a professional, or happens to meet the rare 3rd grader who shares the same interest.

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I am surprised that so many people here seem to be upset by this.  I don't think it is elitist to say that YES, people of very high intelligence might get frustrated at times by talking to people who are not at their same intelligence level.  It doesn't mean they have a communication problem  My ds who is a PG kid does have times where he wants to specifically talk to certain friends only about an issue, because he doesn't want to have to explain scientific details.  He knows his PG buddies will get it and the conversation will be fast paced.  He craves that at times.  It doesn't mean he can't communicate with his non-PG friends.  

 

This is exactly why we have taken great efforts to make sure our kids have a PG community.  They need the communication at their level.  My kids talk to the real world every day, and they don't have any communication gaps.  But when they get to see their PG friends 1-2 times a month it is a different deal entirely.  If anyone has seen a community of these kids- PGR, Davidson Summit etc.  you will understand what I mean.  It isn't elitist, it is simply meeting their needs

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It's not a communication problem, it's a manners problem.  

 

Let's say my kid is a basketball star.  A few times a year he gets to go to camps with other kids who are stellar basketball players, but most of the time he's just stuck here at home with mediocrity.  It's fine if he wants to talk about how much fun he has at camp, but it is not OK for him to be frustrated with the average players he usually has for team mates.  

Instead, I point out the talents and contributions the other kids make to his regular team.  

 

The differences and areas that are lacking are always easy to find.  Instead, I want my kids to look for commonalities with other people, and make note of their talents.  

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I am surprised that so many people here seem to be upset by this.  I don't think it is elitist to say that YES, people of very high intelligence might get frustrated at times by talking to people who are not at their same intelligence level.  It doesn't mean they have a communication problem  My ds who is a PG kid does have times where he wants to specifically talk to certain friends only about an issue, because he doesn't want to have to explain scientific details.  He knows his PG buddies will get it and the conversation will be fast paced.  He craves that at times.  It doesn't mean he can't communicate with his non-PG friends.  

 

This is exactly why we have taken great efforts to make sure our kids have a PG community.  They need the communication at their level.  My kids talk to the real world every day, and they don't have any communication gaps.  But when they get to see their PG friends 1-2 times a month it is a different deal entirely.  If anyone has seen a community of these kids- PGR, Davidson Summit etc.  you will understand what I mean.  It isn't elitist, it is simply meeting their needs

 

YES! That's what I meant when I said, You have to make the effort to find the child a "tribe" or a team where they can do this.

 

But it's not other people's fault that they can't keep up. And getting frustrated isn't the answer.

 

Now talk about the frustration of FINDING The tribe...that's what I understand.

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I am surprised that so many people here seem to be upset by this.  I don't think it is elitist to say that YES, people of very high intelligence might get frustrated at times by talking to people who are not at their same intelligence level.  It doesn't mean they have a communication problem  My ds who is a PG kid does have times where he wants to specifically talk to certain friends only about an issue, because he doesn't want to have to explain scientific details.  He knows his PG buddies will get it and the conversation will be fast paced.  He craves that at times.  It doesn't mean he can't communicate with his non-PG friends.  

 

This is exactly why we have taken great efforts to make sure our kids have a PG community.  They need the communication at their level.  My kids talk to the real world every day, and they don't have any communication gaps.  But when they get to see their PG friends 1-2 times a month it is a different deal entirely.  If anyone has seen a community of these kids- PGR, Davidson Summit etc.  you will understand what I mean.  It isn't elitist, it is simply meeting their needs

 

I agree with this-when these kids are in their element, it makes a big difference.

 

Having said that, there are PG kids with which my DD has little in common, and non-PG folks with which my DD has a lot in common, and I still feel that it's more the expert/non-expert dichotomy. I do think that having other PG kids helps a lot, especially when it comes to having someone to complain to about the social stuff and frustration who "gets it". But honestly, for my DD, having her herpetology mentor and the other herp-world connections helps more, because she can brain dump to them and discuss her interests in detail. Pretty much every other conversation is a case in adaptation because a PG kid who is extremely interested in food chemistry and molecular gastronomy doesn't necessarily have a lot of overlap with one who is extremely interested in herpetology and invertebrate biology.  (Although for those two specific kids, Latin is a bridge-both of them are very passionate about language). My DD has found Dr. Who is a good bridge, too.

 

I also think it gets easier as you get older. There are adults who frustrate me in talking to them, but honestly, that's not so much a G/non G thing as a "some people are just plain irritating" thing. But I'm not forced to sit next to them in school every day all year because their name alphabetically comes right by mine. We often ask kids to do things we'd never expect of adults, and then are shocked when they struggle.

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Perhaps a sticking point is visible in the above posts.  Do we have a choice whether or not to be frustrated?  I think not, but we can choose how to react.  Frustration does not disavow us of our obligation to be civil.  If you are arguing with an opinion because you feel that civility is at issue, I think you misread intentions that were never stated.

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OP here.

Thank you all for your perspectives. I certainly didn't mean to offend anyone. This is the first time I'm even thinking about this issue. I have one child, about to turn three, who seems to be gifted (that's why I used the term loosely, he's of course not been tested at his age), and I started reading a couple books on gifted children and I found a common theme discussed is communication issues gifted children often have with others. Many of the examples given I realized were very similar to communication frustrations I sometimes experience with my spouse (we were both tested as gifted as children, but I seem to be "brighter" than him). I was just wondering how much the intelligence issue really has an affect.

 

As far as the issue really being about different interest levels in a topic versus different intelligence levels...in my admittedly quick consideration of this topic, I don't believe that is always or necessarily the case, and it's not the type of situation I'm thinking about anyway. There have been many times DH and I have become frustrated with each other (note: he gets just as frustrated with me, so I think this problem goes both ways) when discussing things that are more his interest than mine, and I try in every way to explain my thoughts and he just doesn't get it.

 

Yes, we all have a responsibility to attempt to communicate in ways our audience will understand, and I will certainly try to teach my children that. But isn't it a little different when talking about immediate family? Yes, that obligation still exists. But doesn't it feel like a connection is missing, sometimes? Isn't it especially hard to feel like a spouse or a parent doesn't quite get you? That will happen with lots of things: different types of humor, different interests, different physical abilities, etc. But in my experience it seems like the intelligence difference is felt in many different ways, across many different aspects of life, rather than confined to certain situations. Therefore, wouldn't that difference be felt more keenly, especially when considering the longing we have to understand and be understood by spouse, parents, and children?

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If your concern is spouses not understanding each other 100%, I think that is an unrealistic expectation.

 

Both of my parents (married over 50 years) are highly intelligent in their own way.  They do not always understand each other.  They can still be happy for each other's excitement over their hobbies etc.  (Or irritated, as in when my mom used to tell my dad, "why don't you go marry your gun!  ;) ).  It's like when my mom was doing laundry and heard everyone upstairs going looney tunes over the football game on TV.  She came up smiling, "did they get a home run?"  ;)  I think over time you just accept that 100% understanding of the other person's mind is just not going to happen, so don't bother trying.  It's not really a problem.

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Working with slower people can be frustrating, yes, especially when it impacts your grade / compensation.  Unfortunately in real life, we do have to do that sometimes (or often), so an occasional experience with it in school probably isn't a bad thing.  I wouldn't want to have to be paired with a much slower or much faster kid all year, though.

 

I remember in senior English (college prep, so not completely undifferentiated), we had a group presentation and one of the girls was just not very capable.  She was to recite part of a poem to the class, including the word "piety."  She could not pronounce this word to save her life.  It kept coming out as "pitity."  LOL.  Nice girl, though.  What can ya do....

 

In 8th grade science, I was always helping a 16yo student who took a long time to get anything.  I was nice to him.  Unfortunately that led him to ask me to "go with him."  Yikes....  Not really relevant here, but this conversation reminded me of that uncomfortable moment.  ;)

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I agree- it shouldn't cause problems.  But it depends on if you view frustration as a problem or if you just admit- yes I am frustrated and need to find a way to discuss with my intellectual peers.  Easier for adults than kids as we often tell them who they can be with.  Recognizing that you need the intellectual stimulation of peers is part of maturing.

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It's not a communication problem, it's a manners problem.  

 

Let's say my kid is a basketball star.  A few times a year he gets to go to camps with other kids who are stellar basketball players, but most of the time he's just stuck here at home with mediocrity.  It's fine if he wants to talk about how much fun he has at camp, but it is not OK for him to be frustrated with the average players he usually has for team mates.  

Instead, I point out the talents and contributions the other kids make to his regular team.  

 

??? How can anybody dictate what can FRUSTRATE another person???

 

Of course he would be frustrated!

Just as I am frustrated when I have to explain the same thing to my students repeatedly, when they do not listen, do their work, or use the help, when they do not "get it... it is completely normal to be frustrated. The key is how one acts. I will explain it to my students patiently for the 101st time, will hold extra help sessions, answer their questions. It would not be OK to yell at them. But I reserve the right to feel frustration. Just like the basketball kid has all the right to feel his frustration. All that is required of him is to treat his teammates with respect and kindness. He can have whatever feelings he wants to have.

 

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Yes, we all have a responsibility to attempt to communicate in ways our audience will understand, and I will certainly try to teach my children that. But isn't it a little different when talking about immediate family? Yes, that obligation still exists. But doesn't it feel like a connection is missing, sometimes? Isn't it especially hard to feel like a spouse or a parent doesn't quite get you? That will happen with lots of things: different types of humor, different interests, different physical abilities, etc. But in my experience it seems like the intelligence difference is felt in many different ways, across many different aspects of life, rather than confined to certain situations. Therefore, wouldn't that difference be felt more keenly, especially when considering the longing we have to understand and be understood by spouse, parents, and children?

I had to learn a long time ago that my dh will not be able to meet all my needs. And I won't be able to meet all of his. I won't always understand his point of view, and he won't always understand mine. It's okay. He can say, "You know, I don't get why X is important to you, but I love you and I believe you that it IS important to you. "We focus on the reasons we got married, the things that we love about one another, and the things taht are DO have in common.

 

He CAN'T understand my passion for literature and art. Just like I CAN'T follow his engineering expertise.

 

So we talk about cows instead! :)

 

I think there are 2 keys. 1. Keeping the flames alive in marriage (or with your kids,) by doing the things that you DO enjoy together and building the relationship on common ground. 2. Finding ways to feed those other passions for intellectual stimulation.

 

Maybe adding a third...not feeling like your relationships are less than because your SO or parents or friends or whatever don't always "get you"

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