Mandylubug Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 You would think this not a learning challenges question but in a way it stems from it. I'm having an issue with older DS continually jabbing at his younger sisters at their lacking of reading skills. We've had multiple conversations about and today the switch flipped and I bawled like a baby while trying to address his hurtful words yet again. I know he is just a kid. I get it. I remember my brother saying mean things but this just seems so personal and low. How can he not have compassion? How can he not see they try so hard to read and are soooo self conscious about it? How can he continually throw it in their face? Home should be a sanctuary from criticism. I cried. He cried because I cried and girls just looked horrified. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandylubug Posted October 20, 2014 Author Share Posted October 20, 2014 And now I feel guilty over crying about it and making him cry. I feel like I put the burden of him "making me cry" on his shoulders. DH says it shows him what words can't convey and it's a good lesson that words hurt. I'm not so sure it taught anything other than mama has gone looney. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 (((Hugs))) How old is your son, mama? (On my phone and can't see siggies) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandylubug Posted October 20, 2014 Author Share Posted October 20, 2014 (((Hugs))) How old is your son, mama? (On my phone and can't see siggies) He's 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeterPan Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 Is there anything *neurological* that prevents him from understanding his actions, predicting social responses, reading social cues, or otherwise showing empathy? I mean, given the extremity of what you're experiencing, it certainly could be a question. If you've had recent, thorough evals and had that conversation and know it's not a social skills issue, then, um, well then it's a teaching and remembering issue. ;) My ds can hit me and not even register that he hurt me, so I totally get that someone might have gaps there. Just a way to sort it out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeterPan Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 He's 12 Oh dear, 12 is an awful age. You have all that social, tween, what is my identity, competitive junk ON TOP of anything else. I guess if he was this way before (all through childhood) that's one thing and if it's a new cropping up in the last bit with teenage sprouting it's another. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 Yes, if he is NT, then he is old enough to be kind. Your response was an appropriate one given the circumstances. No guilt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandylubug Posted October 20, 2014 Author Share Posted October 20, 2014 Oh dear, 12 is an awful age. You have all that social, tween, what is my identity, competitive junk ON TOP of anything else. I guess if he was this way before (all through childhood) that's one thing and if it's a new cropping up in the last bit with teenage sprouting it's another. He is ADHD inattentive type. He medicates and typically has a filter when on meds. No filter off meds and he isn't on meds today. The thing though is he is super polite and a great kid especially around people other than us. I know he can control himself because he reels it in weekly for co-op, etc. I don't like giving his lack of medication for today as an excuse to not have to be compassionate. He is compassionate and considerate with others outside of home. He just seems to like to nip at his siblings and then end it with the phrase "just sayin'" I am about to ban that phrase in my house hold...stating "just sayin'" does not excuse rudeness to others. He did come back and apologize in his words for his "selfishness" he doesn't even see his comment for what it is and is grasping at straws to apologize to me so that he feels better. I thanked him for his apology but I'm mentally not ready to discuss it anymore and told him we'd discuss it another day. No more tonight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 He is ADHD inattentive type. He medicates and typically has a filter when on meds. No filter off meds and he isn't on meds today. The thing though is he is super polite and a great kid especially around people other than us. I know he can control himself because he reels it in weekly for co-op, etc. I don't like giving his lack of medication for today as an excuse to not have to be compassionate. He is compassionate and considerate with others outside of home. He just seems to like to nip at his siblings and then end it with the phrase "just sayin'" I am about to ban that phrase in my house hold...stating "just sayin'" does not excuse rudeness to others. He did come back and apologize in his words for his "selfishness" he doesn't even see his comment for what it is and is grasping at straws to apologize to me so that he feels better. I thanked him for his apology but I'm mentally not ready to discuss it anymore and told him we'd discuss it another day. No more tonight. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandylubug Posted October 20, 2014 Author Share Posted October 20, 2014 Thanks y'all! I feel better now. I'm sure most of it was he hit me in my vulnerable spot. I'm self conscious of their reading skills. I feel it personally measures my ability to teach and it is my Achilles. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeterPan Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 I'm having this big BRAIN BLIP on the name (help? anyone), but one of the social skills programs specifically targets the broader group of adhd and ASD, rather than just ASD. Their research shows that some kids with ADHD will miss social cues JUST AS MUCH and need JUST AS MUCH explicit instruction as ASD. So when it feels like he's not "getting" it, maybe he's literally not. Maybe exploring that direction would give you some new tools for explaining things to him. Maybe he was able to mask before and you're uncovering some holes in his ability to understand others, perspective take, etc. Now if I could just remember that name, lol! It was some kind of social thinking site, somebody with a book or something... The web pages were cream with a bar on the left... Oh yeah, story of my life, not remembering! Oh duh, I thin it's social thinking.com!! https://www.socialthinking.com/what-is-social-thinking And yeah, I'd be Mama Tiger about that too! I've told my dh the word "stupid" is outlawed in our house. To say that flippantly about anything (behavioral mistakes) is NOT COOL if the kid is going to find that pejorative could apply to his academic life. Kids very quickly form impressions of themselves. So definitely, the Mama Tiger thing is GOOD here. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 Kids with ADHD are slow to mature. I do think at this age he is capable of learning not to make these hurtful comments. It is possible that seeing your reaction will stick with him in the future and act as a deterrent. That would push my buttons, too, mama. (((hugs))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paige Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 My DS is 13 and he has little sisters of a similar age with similar struggles. He is generally a kind person but he also says things like your DS does. I have talked with him about how it is inappropriate but he will just rephrase it the next time. I think it boils down to him not understanding that what he says is hurtful. You'd think it would be obvious but I guess it isn't. Throw in some impulse control issues and a lack of filter (my DS as well!) and it happens. I don't think you over reacted. Sometimes kids need to see the impact of their words to appreciate the significance. DS has a hard time understanding that something is hurtful if the person doesn't look hurt right then. Preteen boys seem to have a difficult time negotiating the need to be cool and the need to be kind and understanding that you can't speak to everyone the way you speak to your peers. In addition to speaking with my DS about his words, I also speak to my girls about not listening to what DS says. Yes, words hurt, but in some ways they only hurt if we let them. I want my girls to be able to understand when DS is talking out of his behind and to be able to brush it off as much as possible too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spring Flower Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 One of the best books I have read on the topic is "Siblings Without Rivalry." I highly recommend it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 My instinct is to say that I'd rain down hammers on a 12-yr-old who mocked anyone's reading skills. Reading some of the other replies, I suppose a more nuanced approach might be called for, lol. So, my second thought is that there is no reason for him to ever comment on their reading skills, ever. He is not their parent, he is not their teacher. Can you just say that the rule he is not to comment on their academic skills, period? That seems easier to me than sussing out his motives, and what he truly meant, and whether he worded it poorly or not. No reason to word it at all, son, go do your own work. If he violates the rule, I would have no problem imposing a consequence. Yes, he might be impulsive and he might not always get why his words are hurtful, but you say that he 'continually' jabs at them and you have had 'multiple' conversations about it, so he does know he shouldn't do it. To an extent, it doesn't matter if it's really hard for him - sometimes we have to learn how to do things that are really hard for us, or suffer the consequences. It's better for him to learn this lesson now, with your support, than for him to go off into the world in a few short years still not knowing it. I do think your dh is absolutely correct (DH says it shows him what words can't convey and it's a good lesson that words hurt.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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