Curious: what age to expect no more tantrums?

[SKL]

Loud fusses have always been rare around here, but we do get them now and then.  My eldest just turned 8.  A [childless] friend told me I must be teaching my kid that crying/yelling is the way to get what she wants.  (FTR, she does not "get" anything other than comforting for her trouble.)  I dunno.  I am pretty sure I did not tantrum at this age, but I've seen other kids do so.  So, what is your experience?

[gardenmom5]

it depends upon the child.  some are more prone to stress, more prone to become overwhelmed by frustration, and more likely to have a meltdown. 

 

dudeling is 9 1/2, and has meltdowns due to being overwhelmed and sometimes reaching the point he just can't control himself. it has progressed from multiple times a day, to a few times a week.(exacerbated by blood sugar. I can't force him to eat.) sometimes he does need my help to calm down (and that doesn't mean by giving him what he wants.).  last time, he later thanked me for helping him calm down. :wub:

 

keep in mind, your friend telling you you are teaching your child to have a tantrum to get what they want is *childless*.  hardly a credible source. :toetap05:

 

I still snicker at the day my "the only difference between girls and boys is socialization" sister (who has two girls - eight years apart) took three 12 yo boys out in a canoe. :willy_nilly:  actually, snicker doesn't adequately describe my feelings of :smilielol5: :rofl:  :001_tt2:

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

Mine were around 4 to 5 when the tantrums ceased. FWIW, my kids and I have been described by others as "laid-back". I say "yes" whenever possible. "No" always meant "no" and it did no good to ask twice. I'm pretty immovable when I make a decision. Disappointment is not allowed to be on display for any lengthy period of time. I stayed calm and tried to ignored tantrums. If they were done in public, I removed the child from the public place.

[Elisabet1]

I expected it to end at 7 yrs old. That is what all the textbooks say. It did not stop at 7 with one of mine. The textbooks were wrong. I don't have a new guess for them to stop.

[PIE!]

My 10.5 year old usually throws about a tantrum a week. She had a year or two without much in the way of meltdowns, but now with her body changing (with how much she's eating we can tell she's heading into a BIG growth spurt) the emotions can catch up with her. It's understandable, but not acceptable. She does not get what she wants when she throws a tantrum. But we remain calm and help her calm down too.

 

I remember having those sorts of meltdowns until I was around 11. I remember my last one. I felt so silly afterward that I never did it again.

 

I cringe at the way I KNEW how to parent before I had kids.

[Catwoman]

I don't think there is even remotely a concrete answer to that question. All kids are different.

[gardenmom5]

I expected it to end at 7 yrs old. That is what all the textbooks say. It did not stop at 7 with one of mine. The textbooks were wrong. I don't have a new guess for them to stop.

 

the L& D nurses had fun talking with me when I was in with dudeling. ('cause I'd 'been there'.) they were so tired of the women with their first pregnancy who read the books and thought the books were 100% correct.

 

one nurse now simply tells them - the baby didn't read the book.

 

[Truscifi]

Hmm. Brotherman is 10. He will occasionally have a "meltdown" which involves crying and stomping to his room, but is not what I think of as a tantrum with yelling and such. I think those were rare by 5 and pretty much done by around 7.

[Farrar]

My boys are ten. I can't remember the last time there was a tantrum, but they do get overtired and have a breakdown sometimes still. It just looks different. Tearful and sometimes angry, but not in the out of control way that they were when they were little. It's more of a, I'm at the end of my rope and need to find a quiet place to cry and let off steam kind of thing. If that's a tantrum, I have them occasionally myself, so maybe they'll never get over them. Though I'm not done yet! Maybe in my 50's. ;)

 

One of my boys does have anxiety provoked attacks that can look a little like tantrums. But it feels wrong to call it that when I know it stems from something else and are not outwardly destructive.

[SKL]

Based on some of the responses, I wonder if we have different uses of the word "tantrum."

My kid's tantrums involve loud crying and inactivity (usually while lying in bed).  There is no violence or destruction involved.

[zoobie]

I still have them, and I'm staring down 40. ;) Friend needs to MYOB. Kids have big feelings, and they don't always know how to express them. Was it in private? Ours are almost always at home or in the car when we've reached the end of our ropes. My oldest two rarely had any meltdowns in public. My third is going to challenge all previous records and notions...

[zoobie]

Based on some of the responses, I wonder if we have different uses of the word "tantrum."

 

My kid's tantrums involve loud crying and inactivity (usually while lying in bed). There is no violence or destruction involved.

So in the safety and privacy of her own room she's crying? Friend doesn't ever have that kind of emotional catharsis herself? How strange.

[SKL]

Yeah, always in private so far ....

[ErinE]

Around 8, both kids entered a very emotional time that often led to meltdowns. There isn't much in the books about this stage of development. Mentally, I was prepared for it the second time. It's still really exhausting.

 

Tantrums are treated the same no matter the age. End to the activity, removal from the situation, and space to calm down.

[Farrar]

Based on some of the responses, I wonder if we have different uses of the word "tantrum."

 

My kid's tantrums involve loud crying and inactivity (usually while lying in bed).  There is no violence or destruction involved.

 

That doesn't seem like a tantrum to me. To me, I don't think a tantrum has to be violent, but it is out of control. It's not just "a cry." And often there's a public aspect, because part of the tantrum is wanting attention.

[Farrar]

You know, thinking about this again... I have been really careful to teach my kids that crying can be healthy. Dh was taught that it wasn't "manly" to cry and that crying was weakness and that crying was wrong. He hates that he can't cry as an adult, even when there has been a death or he's deeply sad. He feels like his upbringing really screwed him up. I've always pretty much said to my kids that if they need to be upset, then go be upset and if you do that without being manipulative or making a scene that that's healthy and good and can help you release emotion and move on.

[SKL]

Yeah, it's a little out of control because she normally does not make loud, sustained noises.  :P  Basically she wants to express that she is REALLLLLY frustrated that things didn't go the way she planned / expected.

 

There generally is an element of low sleep, low blood sugar, and/or high stress / stimulation / being out of our usual routine.

[SKL]

I do tell her that everyone cries and frustration is common for all of us.  (That's for the more typical, quiet tears.)  She has told me she feels like she cries more than all other kids.  (I don't think so.)

[J-rap]

As soon as my kids were old enough to understand that out-of-control tantrums weren't allowed, they stopped.  That was probably around 3 or so.  But, as with others, our kids were pretty laid back and weren't really prone to them much in the first place.  And, I think of a tantrum as being really completely out-of-control, and lashing out verbally against others. 

 

That doesn't mean we forced them to not cry or show emotions or anything of that sort!  :)  They still suffered melt-downs or would become angry or frustrated, but as far as the completely out-of-control display of anger, no.

[hornblower]

Cry if you want to
I won't tell you not to.
I won't try to cheer you up,
I'll just be here If you want me.
It's no use in keeping a stiff upper lip,
You can weep, you can sleep
You can loosen your grip.
You can frown, you can drown
And go down with the ship.
You can cry if you want to.
Don't ever apologise venting your pain,
Its something to me you don't need to explain.
I don't need to know why,
I don't think it's insane.
You can cry if you want to.
The windows are closed,
The neighbours aren't home,
If it's better with me than to do it alone,
I'll draw all the curtains,
And unplug the phone
You can cry if you want to.
You can stare at the ceiling,
And tear at your hair,
Swallow your feelings,
And stagger and swear.
You can show things and throw things
And I wouldn't care.
You can cry if you want to.
I won't make fun of you.
I won't tell anyone.
I won't analyze what you do
Or you should have done.
I won't advise you to go and have fun.
You can cry if you want to.
Well it's empty and ugly
And terribly sad.
I can't feel what you feel,
But I know it feels bad.
I know that it's real
And it makes you so mad.
You can cry.
Cry if you want to,
I won't tell you not to.
I won't try to cheer you up.
I'll just be here if you want me to be near you.

[Dmmetler]

DD is almost 10, and has emotional meltdowns fairly often. Usually it's when she's struggling with sensory stuff anyway and it's just too much.

[Dagne]

My kids each only threw a handful of true tantrums (my oldest only threw one), and those stopped by age 3 or 4. Two of my kids still have the occasional private meltdown at 8 and 9. To me, tantrums are about getting a point across - wants or feelings, while meltdowns are strong emotions that become too much for the child (or adult) to control. 

[Erin]

I have a similar definition of meltdown vs. tantrum.

And I'm hoping for 15, personally… ;)

[solascriptura]

The total irrational toddler type freakouts stopped at 4ish. 

[Guest]

57 

 

so far

 

[fairfarmhand]

Psst....

 

Whispering quietly...

 

My dd's 16 and they still happen from time to time.

 

My definition of  tantrum:

 

Stomping through the house screaming, shoving stuff out of her way, kicking stuff....

 

Very intense kid.

 

She'd be mortified if it happened and one of her friends walked in on it. Tantrums aren't ALWAYS "to get your own way." Sometimes, they are a product of frustration, feeling bad or just being overwhelmed.

[Ausmumof3]

My eight year old boy doesn't but I can guarantee my currently 5 yo dd still will at eight.

 

It is almost always when she is too hot or hungry. Last really embarrassing one was when we were staying with friends who don't do snacks between meals and the breakfast to lunch gap was over five hours.

[texasmama]

Based on some of the responses, I wonder if we have different uses of the word "tantrum."

 

My kid's tantrums involve loud crying and inactivity (usually while lying in bed). There is no violence or destruction involved.

By this definition, my two youngest still have tantrums, the 8 yo more often than the 11 yo. My 11 yo had screaming, fall on the floor uncontrollable fits several times a week until he was 7 or so. He's an intense kid. He has mostly grown out of it.

[Mommyof4ks]

I have two that stopped at 5 and one tht still tantrums once a week or so at 11, so I have no real answer.

[Mandylubug]

32 and had my own meltdown today. I'll grow out of it soon, I hope!

[Jean in Newcastle]

That isn't a tantrum in my book.  That is a perfectly normal expression of emotion.  Why shouldn't she express her frustration in the privacy of her own room?  I've had to learn how to express these emotions as an adult because I was not allowed to express them and was taught to suppress it all instead.  

[Ellie]

"Tantrums"? I'm trying to remember when either of my dc had "tantrums." ::thinking, thinking, thinking::

 

Older dd had a couple of melt-downs when she was 10-11ish, but they were understandable because of circumstances. I wouldn't call it a "tantrum," however.

 

Younger dd never had a tantrum.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

 

Tantrums happen even in adults.

 

 

But what you describe sounds more like a good cry, not a tantrum.

[DawnM]

My son is 16.  I will let you know.

 

(ok, just so you don't freak out, he has Asperger's and a few other issues......)

 

 

[fairfarmhand]

Loud fusses have always been rare around here, but we do get them now and then.  My eldest just turned 8.  A [childless] friend told me I must be teaching my kid that crying/yelling is the way to get what she wants.  (FTR, she does not "get" anything other than comforting for her trouble.)  I dunno.  I am pretty sure I did not tantrum at this age, but I've seen other kids do so.  So, what is your experience?

 

This is so ridiculous. There are many reasons for crying, screaming, or falling apart.

 

Kids are still people! Little people, but people who sometimes have a hard time handling frustration, rotten days, or sadness.

 

[poppy]

Loud fusses have always been rare around here, but we do get them now and then.  My eldest just turned 8.  A [childless] friend told me I must be teaching my kid that crying/yelling is the way to get what she wants.  (FTR, she does not "get" anything other than comforting for her trouble.)  I dunno.  I am pretty sure I did not tantrum at this age, but I've seen other kids do so.  So, what is your experience?

 

 

Based on some of the responses, I wonder if we have different uses of the word "tantrum."

 

My kid's tantrums involve loud crying and inactivity (usually while lying in bed).  There is no violence or destruction involved.

 

 

Why does your friend or anyone else care what a kid does in his own room?

Not a tantrum, IMO.

A public meltdown with lashing out at age 8 would be unacceptable to me (without special needs involved).

Expressing emotion, and even trying to be manipulative with that expression, is simple human nature.

[Joker]

Youngest dd rarely had any tantrums or meltdowns and completely stopped around three. She is one of those who lets nothing bring her down or get to her. She just goes with the flow.

 

Oldest is 14 and sometimes still has a meltdown. Always in private. She is just a more emotional person than youngest.

[swellmomma]

ds16 still has them multiple times a day.  They still don't get him what he wants yet he still has them, even in public, like at the walmart the other day.  dd7 still has them at least once a day she never used to, this has been a new development of the last few months, hoping it passes soon because the sound of them tantrumming just drains the life out of me, I can't deal with it anymore without feeling angry with them for carrying on like fools.  ds11 does the crying in his room complete with a monologue of all the world does against him but I don't count that as a tantrum that is just him frustrated and getting it out in the privacy of his room.  What I count as tantrums are the screaming, stomping, throwing things, slamming doors nonsense because they didn't get their way about something and failed to get the memo that the world does not revolve around them.

[OneStepAtATime]

500? :lol:

 

This entirely depends on the kid and the family and the circumstances.  I rarely had tantrums but one year I had them all the time.  Why?  Undiagnosed hypoglycemic having sugar highs and lows constantly.  But another cousin my age had fits and tantrums until his teens.

 

I have many nephews.  Some are laid back.  Rarely had issues as kids or only had tantrums when they were very young.  Others, one in particular, still sometimes has tantrums and he has graduated High School.  Depends on the kid, the family and the circumstances.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Ds17 has Aspie meltdowns.  They are not because he didn't get his way.  They are because of sensory overload, anxiety and a number of other issues that come with Aspie-ness.

 

I have Mommy tantrums.  They are usually "the straw that breaks the camel's back" variety.  

 

Dd12 has tweenage girl snits  They are often because she didn't get her way.  She is allowed to express them in her room.  Sometimes she's just disappointed.  She's allowed to express that too.  She gets over it.

 

I see people having tantrums all the time.  They might be controlled to some extent by society but the person at the grocery store who's just had it with the person who cut in line or their whining child are still expressing anger and frustration and not always in a healthy way.  

[TeacherZee]

I still have them, and I'm staring down 40. ;) Friend needs to MYOB. Kids have big feelings, and they don't always know how to express them. Was it in private? Ours are almost always at home or in the car when we've reached the end of our ropes. My oldest two rarely had any meltdowns in public. My third is going to challenge all previous records and notions...

 

 

57 

 

so far

 

 

32 and had my own meltdown today. I'll grow out of it soon, I hope!

 

 

I'm 44 and I found myself last week kicking the bed and emptying the entire closet onto my bed in a big tanty. I couldn't find my purple skirt. The only difference when you have a grown up tantrum is that you don't get in trouble. In fact, dearest dd17 brought a cup of tea to my by-then sobbing self.

 

 

Oh thank heavens, I was going to write I'll let you know but then I wondered if I was alone in still throwing them (usually in the comfort of my own home now but you know) :lol:

[Anne in CA]

To me the difference between a "tantrum"  and a "melt down" is that the tantrum thrower is hoping to wear you out and get their way and perfectly capable of straightening up if they feel they need to, and the kid/ adult having the meltdown is going to require some time to get their mind straight before they can move on with their day. The melt down person probably doesn't expect anything to change because of their melt down, lol. I also have had melt downs when I cannot find a treasured item that is not where I thought I left it. I know the item will not materialize because I huff and puff.

 

For a mentally healthy child with consistent training I would expect tantrums to be over by three at the latest, but for a child with other issues these might last until much later. My ds had scouts with boys who were throwing tantrums and quit when scout masters would not give in. To a one these boys were not autistic, they had parents who gave in, and expected others to give in to their children. My cousin who taught 5th grade still had issues with these parents too. She would not let these kids transfer out of her class, because she knew that they needed someone to say no to them. 

[Pronghorn]

It is amazing to read that some people don't allow tantrums. Exactly how does this work? If you have a method that really prevents tantrums and/or meltdowns, you should get started with writing a bestseller outlining your technique.

 

My child's last out-of-control meltdowns were at nine. Now she has crying jags, some in public. The last severe one was understandable because a teacher was mistreating her.

 

I use tantrum to describe a rational fit thrown to get your way. I use meltdown for irrational fits. We have had very few tantrums but many meltdowns. My approach is to provide comfort and analyze the situation later.

[BooksandBoys]

My kids are younger than yours, so I can't weigh in on when the tantrums stop, but I also have a childless friend who believes that my children "get something" out if their meltdowns.

 

To be fair, almost everyone I know, parent or childless, has an opinion about my parenting. DS2 (age 3) is a challenging child. When he was less than 24 hours old, the postpartum nurse asked, "What is WRONG with him? I've never heard a newborn cry like that!" The unsolicited opinions about his behavior and our obviously inferior parenting have been constant ever since. :-)

 

Your daughter sounds perfectly age-appropriate to me.

[TeacherZee]

To me the difference between a "tantrum"  and a "melt down" is that the tantrum thrower is hoping to wear you out and get their way and perfectly capable of straightening up if they feel they need to, and the kid/ adult having the meltdown is going to require some time to get their mind straight before they can move on with their day. The melt down person probably doesn't expect anything to change because of their melt down, lol. I also have had melt downs when I cannot find a treasured item that is not where I thought I left it. I know the item will not materialize because I huff and puff.

 

For a mentally healthy child with consistent training I would expect tantrums to be over by three at the latest, but for a child with other issues these might last until much later. My ds had scouts with boys who were throwing tantrums and quit when scout masters would not give in. To a one these boys were not autistic, they had parents who gave in, and expected others to give in to their children. My cousin who taught 5th grade still had issues with these parents too. She would not let these kids transfer out of her class, because she knew that they needed someone to say no to them. 

 

I like this distinction between melt downs and tantrums. But I'll admit, sometimes I still throw tantrums. But those are definitely more of the I can't find what I want and I don't expect it to materialise really but I huff and puff anyway variety :)

 

I also have melt downs but they are stress related and try as I might I can't stop them.

[fairfarmhand]

I like this distinction between melt downs and tantrums. But I'll admit, sometimes I still throw tantrums. But those are definitely more of the I can't find what I want and I don't expect it to materialise really but I huff and puff anyway variety :)

 

I also have melt downs but they are stress related and try as I might I can't stop them.

 

My meltdowns are few and far between. (I've a mellow personality.) However, I am self-aware enough to know when they are coming. This helps me avoid melting when I am someplace inappropriate. I usually go get in the shower to soothe myself and keep the kids from asking, "What's wrong Momma?"

[LLMom]

I guess it depends what you call a tantrum.  Yelling or extreme fussing/complaining I would say 8 is still ok.  If it involves throwing things or hitting and taking forever to calm down, I would say no.  My son had the second I mentioned and finally at age 10, I had him evaluated.  He is bipolar.  I waited too long, but thought it was a developmental thing.  

[Mom-ninja.]

Well, I trantrum every now and then. So......

[Jennifer132]

My oldest is nine and very rarely throws a tantrum. A couple times a year, maybe. My eight year old throws them regularly. So I'm hoping nine is the magic age?!

[Luanne]

I'm sorry, but I wouldn't have tolerated tantrums past the age of 3.  Once a child learns how to talk, they should be taught to use their words to communicate what they want instead of throwing a fit.  My daughter never threw tantrums, but I wouldn't have put up with it from her once her communication skills were there.