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Not a plea for sympathy, but...


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My mom passed away last week. She has been suffering from Alzheimer's and for the past several weeks has been declining rapidly, so it didn't come as a huge surprise, except that no matter how prepared you think you are, you never are...

 

Naturally, tending to the needs of my mom and sister (her primary care giver along with her nursing home) has consumed my thoughts and emotions, and the past week has consumed all of my time as we have taken care of memorial service preparations and paperwork, etc. 

 

Now I find myself on the other side of it, and I'm supposed to get the kids back to school? I decided to take the remainder of this week, but I feel like we should really get started again next week. Inside, though I feel completely hollow and distant and I don't want to do anything. I just want to stay at home and maybe cook a bit or write. I just feel--lost. How do I start this train rolling again?

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So sorry for your loss. I have no idea what might be best for you. Were it me, I'd probably try to do one concrete school-related thing a day, such suggling with the dc and doing a read-aloud together. It might help me feel like we were still accomplishing something, and it might also spark some needed discussions about feelings. Your dc will be hurting, too, and talking about things together may help the healing process for you all. ((hugs))

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Hugs.  If you aren't ready, then don't stress and don't feel obligated to do much of anything yet.  It won't ruin your children.  

 

If not doing anything will make this more stressful, though, is there any way that for the next couple of weeks you all can just watch some documentaries, do read alouds and maybe just do some math games or have them read some living math books and do a math worksheet or two downloaded off the internet?  And get outside a bit if you can.  Take walks, go to the park, maybe just sit outside and share stories or watch the world go by?  Snuggle a lot and just try to feel more functional again?  

 

Don't feel guilty or that you are ruining their lives if you need the time.  Your emotional health is just as important as their academics.  

 

Maybe have them do Khan Academy for math and watch some you tube videos for science?  Listen to audio books and have quiet reading time?  

 

Huge huge hugs and best wishes.

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:grouphug:   :grouphug:   :grouphug:   

 

I can't post enough hugs for you.  You are going through something so deeply and painfully wrenching, I cannot imagine it.

 

. . . except that I have to imagine it because I live with that same "sword of Damocles" hanging over my head every day.  My mom is in a nursing home for 2-1/2 years now, in her sixteenth year with Alzheimer's.  My frail father has lived with us for that same length of time.  We care for him at our home, we care for my mother at the residential facility.  I could lose either parent in a moment.

 

I have no answers because I am not there yet.  It just is a fact of the (probably) near future. 

 

My heart goes out to you and your sister.  Truly it does.

 

:grouphug:   :grouphug:   :grouphug:  

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When it is time to start up again, start slow.  Figure out what are the basics you need to cover.  Start with just one subject and watch your child.  As they are asking to do more, then do more.  Be gentle on yourself.  Around here, it is not uncommon for a child who has lost a grand parent to take a couple of weeks.  If my child was in school, I'd worry about what lessons they are missing out on.  Since you home school, they aren't missing any lessons.  Lessons are just on pause.

 

If you feel like cooking, then cook for yourself and invite the kids to join you (There's some basic math).  Take time for that field trip you always wanted to do and just go do it!  If you want to stay home, then stay home and watch a movie with the kids.  If you feel like writing, then write.  Encourage the kids to write how they are feeling also.  Don't run away from your feelings, embrace them and move with the kids through them.  Grieve.  It's a good thing to do.

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My dad died suddenly when dd (youngest kid) was in sixth grade. For the first month, when I was consumed with all the details and decisions, dd read history and literature on her own. We watched documentaries together. We did an hour of math every day. But that was all I could handle.

 

Honestly that school year was not normal at all. I was the executrix and the trustee of my parents' estate, so I had a lot to deal with, especially clearing out and prepping their house for sale. On the days when I didn't have to meet with anyone or work at the house with my sister, we would cram in as much school work as possible. On the crazy days, we would do math, grammar, and vocab together, and then she would do everything else independently (read history or lit, study science topics of interest or for her Science Olympiad competition, watch documentaries). That was just the way it had to be.

 

I am so sorry :grouphug:

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:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

 

Start with whatever you can muster up the energy to care about first. BBC period dramas (they are literature, aren't they?) worked for me, then a few independent tasks like handwriting. It took several months to get back to full swing, but we are now.

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I am so sorry for your loss.

 

Allow yourself time and space to grieve, to care for yourself and care for your children as they work through their own feelings. As we know, education is much more than just 'book learning', and the lessons of real life should not be shunned in order to keep up with a purely arbitrary educational schedule. If you feel like staying home, cooking and writing, do just that. Invite your children to do those things with you if they wish. Or they might like to do artwork, writing or similar in memory of their grandmother. Or they might rather relax with some educational movies / television. When you are all ready, you can either transition gradually back into your full schoolwork load, or draw a line and dive right in. There's no one right way to deal with grief. Just look after yourself and your family in whatever way works.

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:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

My mom has Alzheimer's, too. She is in a nursing home. And my grandmother did, too. We cared for her at home when I was growing up. So I've gone through it before, and I'm going through it again. With dementia, when the end comes, the grieving may be different, because we said good-bye to the person that they were long ago. But it is still grief, and you still need time. Take care of yourself and give yourself grace. If you need another week off, take it. And then start back slowly. It will be okay. Really.

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:grouphug:  I lost my beloved father to Alzheimers over two years ago. When the shock wore off, the reality sunk in, and I felt so alone. Then came the day that I didn't think and cry about him. Then, I experienced the guilt when I did remember. The dreams. The tears. The second year was worse, I think, than the first. Coming to grips with years of not having him to talk to. So many of my friends have also lost their fathers. The Parent-Loss Club is not a fun one to be in. I've taken to sending cards to people who've lost a parent even when I really don't know them very well. I know their pain and that makes us close enough.
 
I encourage you to write. Starting a journal is what helped my dh through the stressful years following his mom's death from cancer.
 
 If you feel able to, let the kids know how you feel. Encourage them to read on their own. Sit down with them & set a date for starting some math. After you feel more functional and they've been doing math for awhile (and hopefully reading on their own), see what else you can start up. Go at the rate you can handle & not at the rate your guilt drives you to.

 

Grieving isn't a sprint. It is a marathon. It is important to shore up your base and get your own feet back under you. My deepest condolences, Kelly. I'm so very sorry for your loss.  :sad: 
 

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:grouphug:  I'd have no problem taking the week off.  When I restarted, I'd be starting with field trips of some sort (parks, museums, geocaching, anything we could afford that I'd wanted to do and/or share with my kids), because "I" love these sorts of things and doing them would make restarting easier.  Fortunately, my kids all love those things too, so it would be good for both of us.  If those things stress you out, then skip them and do what fits you better when you restart.  There's no right or wrong way.

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:grouphug:

 

FWIW, when my father passed away we took about a month off. I felt guilty about it, but mentally I could not cope with anything more. We even had days where I had to stop, because something would cause me to burst out in tears. We also had a home evaluation that year & I was honest with the reviewer about it. She took one look at our accomplished pile of work & said that in her opinion she's amazed even half of that got done much less the whole pile. She pointed out that children who go to school will be off a while when losing a family member, & that it was okay.

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:grouphug:

 

I've lost both my parents in the last 11 years. My mom first to cancer, then my dad a couple of years ago to a stroke.

 

Answering your question, "How do I start this train rolling again?"

The key is to be gentle with yourself and your kids. Don't push, don't rush. Some routine can help. But really, feel free to do what feels right. Feel free to do just the very basics, from your sig, I'd pick MUS and some of the LA stuff. Let science and history go for awhile. If they don't finish those this year, it really won't matter in the long run. Feel free to spend time reading together or writing. Do what is healing. There is time.

 

:grouphug: 

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Now I find myself on the other side of it, and I'm supposed to get the kids back to school? I decided to take the remainder of this week, but I feel like we should really get started again next week. Inside, though I feel completely hollow and distant and I don't want to do anything. I just want to stay at home and maybe cook a bit or write. I just feel--lost. How do I start this train rolling again?

 

You need to get the ball rolling again at some point, but yes, you have a lot practically and emotionally to deal with as well.  There has to be some middle ground where you don't give up homeschooling, but you need some space too.  A friend of mine basically neglected her kids for a year after a death in the family, and they all paid for that.  You don't want that, but you can't pretend that life is the same either.

 

My parents both died at times that made homeschooling difficult.  

 

One was in late April, and I had to just pull myself together to finish the school year because I wanted a real break in the summer.  So as soon as I returned home two weeks later, we were back at it.  Then in the summer I took the time grieve and work through it all.  Naturally that is less than ideal, but I also work during the school year with no work or lighter work over the summer.  So I got through May and then had the summer to work through it.

 

The other was in late September.  By then I was working more, but the DC were older and largely independent.  That was a rough year because I really had no space until December, and I really crashed then.  I did almost nothing over the holidays.  But I felt better when January hit, and then the following summer I dealt with some of the administrative issues that remained.

 

Anyway, no fixed answers for you.  Everyone is different!   :grouphug:

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My mom passed away last week. She has been suffering from Alzheimer's and for the past several weeks has been declining rapidly, so it didn't come as a huge surprise, except that no matter how prepared you think you are, you never are...

 

Naturally, tending to the needs of my mom and sister (her primary care giver along with her nursing home) has consumed my thoughts and emotions, and the past week has consumed all of my time as we have taken care of memorial service preparations and paperwork, etc. 

 

Now I find myself on the other side of it, and I'm supposed to get the kids back to school? I decided to take the remainder of this week, but I feel like we should really get started again next week. Inside, though I feel completely hollow and distant and I don't want to do anything. I just want to stay at home and maybe cook a bit or write. I just feel--lost. How do I start this train rolling again?

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I'm so sorry.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

If you decided to take a longer break, even until after Christmas, I wouldn't fault you.

 

Otherwise, if you just want to say home and cook a bit or write, I think you should do that. You'll know when the time is right for doing more.

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:001_unsure:  I am sorry for your loss. Grief is harder than expected. Even when you "know" it's coming you're just not able to know how you will feel or how you will handle it all until you are in it. Praying for you and your family today. It's such a painful part of life and gobs of grace are needed.   :grouphug:

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thanks...every. single. reply helped. I'll get through this weekend and see about starting in slowly again on Monday. I have been doing some things like cooking and just hanging out a lot with my kids. They are being so incredibly kind and understanding. My daughter gave me a balloon today that said, "You are my trecher" with a picture of a treasure chest on it...LOL...she has learned that ch can make three sounds...just not always when to use that "third sound" of ch. Every time I look at the balloon I laugh and cry at the same time. The kids are doing okay. "Nanny" has had Alzheimer's for most of their lives and lived three hours away, so they are not experiencing the deep loss that kids who have been really close to their grandparents would feel, but they do feel it--there has been a definite change in their sleeping patterns and some of their every day behaviors. It might be because of me.

 

Anyway, thanks for your responses...and for those of you whose parents are suffering in the same way, my heart goes out to you, too. It is like "death by a thousand cuts" because there are so many stages of loss...

 

 

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Anyway, thanks for your responses...and for those of you whose parents are suffering in the same way, my heart goes out to you, too. It is like "death by a thousand cuts" because there are so many stages of loss...

 

Yes, my mother was a difficult and violent person to those close to her.  When dementia took over, she became one of those cases that even the professionals had an extremely hard time handling.  I found that I couldn't discuss it with most people because there are so many misunderstandings about mental illness and dementia.

 

So when she died, my grief was (and still is) very different than some experience.  Even three years later, there is a deep sadness for what might have been and what it was.  

 

Anyway, I throw this out because every case of grief is different because we are individuals, and our relationship with the one who died is unique.  My grief even three years later is different than my other relatives, and is it very different than DH's grief over his parents, who were balanced, loving people.

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So sorry for your loss.I feel your pain.I lost my father 2 years ago and it is still hard.He had heart disease.The last 6 weeks of his life he was in and out of the hospital,Dr appt, rehabs and then ultimately died at home on hospice. I was at the hospital day and night running on little sleep hs was the last thing on my mind.I didn't hs much in those 6 wks.I didn't hs the week of the funeral and we had just come off a 2 month summer break.So I found myself 3 and 1/2 months behind and not ready mentally to jump back in.I did but 2 years later we are still behind and I am still grieving.Take some time for yourself.Give yourself permission to grieve.I didn't.I hsed the day after the funeral.When grief finally hit me it was so hard.Don't push yourself.Take your time and get back into it slowly.life will never be the same but it will continue.hs is important but it isn't always the most important thing.Take time to be there for your children.Hugs and prayers.

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So sorry for your loss.I feel your pain.I lost my father 2 years ago and it is still hard.

 

Before my father died, I had no idea that grief could still be so sharp two years later. I was inwardly dismissive of the brief mentions one of my friends made to her father's death because in my mind, it had been so long before. Experience is a hard teacher.  :grouphug:  to you!

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Just wanted to send hugs.  :grouphug: I am sorry for your loss. As many others have said, give yourself time and don't feel guilty. It is so hard to make yourself be productive when you feel so numb one minute and a ball of tears the next. Grief is so unimaginably painful, even if you are expecting the loss.

 

I lost my Dad to ALS 18 months ago and it has been so much harder than I ever imagined. We moved back to NC from KS a little more than 2 years ago (active duty Army) to help my mother as she was the primary caregiver to my Dad and she is also terminally ill with cancer. To know that both of my parents were terminal at the same time just feels so cruel at times. This journey has been one of the most gut-wrenching experiences and something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

 

 

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We are starting back to some routine this week. We all three looked through what we had to get done and just sort of shook our heads. It feels a bit overwhelming to all of us, so I am trying not to put too much pressure on the kids or myself. I took the week off from all outside commitments and am just focusing on getting the house back in order. ugh. 

 

 

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Losing a parent is ungrounding. You want to cook and journal because they are grounding activities. Your body and mind are seeking balance. Trust yourself instead of shaming yourself.

 

If you ever wanted to do some Waldorf or nature study, or something else not rigorous enough, give yourself permission now. An education requires work in mind, body, and soul, and sometimes it takes a crisis before we give ourselves permission to engage in a well balanced curriculum.

 

 

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I'm so sorry.  I was in the same situation last fall when my dad (who suffered Alzheimer's) passed away.  I took off about a week.  I too felt numb, but I found if I slogged through it, it helped because when I had little to do, I focused on his death.  Of course that led to tears--a lot. You need to grieve, but distractions are helpful too.

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  • 3 weeks later...

With the ages you have, and because I'm a curriculum addict and I've never seen it, I'd download Prairie Primer, and read Little House books for the next couple weeks. But, that's just what I would do.

http://cadroncreek.com/shop/prairie-primer/

 

 

Yes, an old thread, but I just happened upon it while searching for something.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

I am so sorry for your loss. My mother died 12 yrs ago this month (on TG Day). My kids were much younger (7 and 3), but the last birthday gift my dd received from my parents was the LH books (that's why I quoted Hunter. I realize Kelly lost her mother). I had PP, but didn't use it (other than to use their order for reading through the books) but did read through the books that year. It was comforting and cathartic. Most school days were spent snuggling on my bed reading aloud. Man, I had some dark days during that year. 

 

I'm so sorry, Kelly. I hope you're back to school in a way that allows you comfort. 

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Came back to see how you are and to leave another cyber-hug.

 

Thank you so much for checking back with me...I just stopped by and saw the more recent responses. 

 

It has been getting better, slowly...I had a really rough, tearful day the other day, but they are fewer and further between. I am concentrating a lot on getting ready for Christmas early. I have not felt very "christmasy" the last couple of years, and so this year I am determined. My mom WAS Christmas. She loved Christmas and giving gifts was a real thing with her--the apple doesn't fall far. Thankfully I have such fond memories and can find enjoyment in honoring her memory this way, so it's very therapeutic.

 

We are keeping up with math and science and history reading, but have let most things fall aside until January. I will get back to the Mom-intensive things after Christmas. 

 

I have made a herculean effort to combat my laziness and get to the gym four days a week and get back to routine. I think that taking care of my health will be critical to getting back on track...

 

Thanks so much for the support!

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Thank you so much for checking back with me...I just stopped by and saw the more recent responses. 

 

It has been getting better, slowly...I had a really rough, tearful day the other day, but they are fewer and further between. I am concentrating a lot on getting ready for Christmas early. I have not felt very "christmasy" the last couple of years, and so this year I am determined. My mom WAS Christmas. She loved Christmas and giving gifts was a real thing with her--the apple doesn't fall far. Thankfully I have such fond memories and can find enjoyment in honoring her memory this way, so it's very therapeutic.

 

We are keeping up with math and science and history reading, but have let most things fall aside until January. I will get back to the Mom-intensive things after Christmas. 

 

I have made a herculean effort to combat my laziness and get to the gym four days a week and get back to routine. I think that taking care of my health will be critical to getting back on track...

 

Thanks so much for the support!

 

Sounds like you're indeed getting there.  A counsellor once told me that the key to grief is a slow upward trend.  Not perfection every day, but feeling better bit-by-bit.  You'll never be the same, but you're doing fine.

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Kelly, no two people grieve the same way, but I want to warn you about what I call the "wild animal" experiences. You never know when you'll see a wild animal. Deer jumping out in front of you on the road (especially now while they're in rut), a raccoon, an owl, a bald eagle. You will be somewhere and something will hit you hard. It'll be 12 years this month, and sometimes seeing a woman my age out in public w/ her mother can make me tear up. If a grandchild is w/ them? Around the age of one of my dc? Forget about it. 

 

One time I used a font in an email to one of Mom's work colleagues. He was like a brother to her. He mentioned that my mother had liked that same font (I didn't even realize this!) and I cried b/c I was so happy that someone else remembered my mother and a little detail like that. 

 

When Zainy Brainy closed its doors, I was sad b/c Mom liked shopping there for my dc. Pardon the absurdity of this statement, but when that store closed, it was like Mom was more dead. Memories of places I went w/ her were dying too. 

 

The first few years after Mom died I had bad dreams about her. I would wake up and think, "I've been a bad daughter. I haven't called Mom in a long time." Then, once I was fully awake, reality would set in. "Oh, yeah, I can't. She's gone." And rites of passage, boy, howdy. It was over 2 years after she died that my ds learned to ride his bike. I got all the way in the house, to the kitchen and had my phone in my hand and started to dial before I caught myself. Back to the dreams, it'd been years since I dreamed about her, but my last dream on the day my dd graduated from high school, I had the best dream ever in which I told Mom how proud she'd be of dd. I'm crying now just thinking of it. 

 

So, give yourself lots of time and look out for the "wild animal" that is grief. 

 

(((Kelly)))

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So, give yourself lots of time and look out for the "wild animal" that is grief. 

 

 

Yes, DH lost a brother who was in his early 30's.  He still talks about sobbing one day at a traffic light because he suddenly remembered being in the car with his brother and how they used to joke around then.

 

For me it has been certain books that my father loved.

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Kelly,

 

:grouphug: I am so sorry for your loss.  No matter how expected it may have been, it is still a devastating loss. Both of my parents' deaths were not unexpected, but they were probably the most difficult experiences of my life. 

 

What Anna calls "wild animal" experiences, I call "potholes of grief."  I actually didn't coin that term; I read it in a children's novel that I just can't seem to place - maybe it was Fighting Ground by Avi.  It really described that experience of being seemingly OK and then an image, sound, or particularly, a smell, will be like falling into a pothole, transporting me back into grief and tears. 

 

Give yourself space to grieve.  Be honest with your kids that sometimes you are just so sad about losing your mom.  They need to see that grief is normal, not something to be afraid of. As far as school goes, sometimes, life is the lesson.  Sometimes, school is lighter to make room for learning to live life.  Sometimes, books and movies are school.  I know that I put a few good movies in our netflix cue when I needed a mental health day. 

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It really described that experience of being seemingly OK and then an image, sound, or particularly, a smell, will be like falling into a pothole, transporting me back into grief and tears. 

 

 As far as school goes, sometimes, life is the lesson.  Sometimes, school is lighter to make room for learning to live life.  

 

Potholes. I like that. Much better analogy (and one more reason I'm not a professional writer!).

 

Yes to the part I put in bold. I meant to say that in one of my other posts. This!

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How can I say thank you for all of your kind words. I really, really am taking them to heart. It's strange that a place that I go for homeschooling thoughts and to swap ideas and opinions is also the place that I have found some of the best comfort. I'm comfortable here--so many of us have been on these boards for a really long time, so I know that your words are not just hollow gestures thrown out to a stranger. I truly appreciate the time and care you ladies have taken to reply to my post.

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