If you've changed your last name, or opted not to...

[Colleen]

...following a divorce, will you share your reasoning?

 

I'm in the initial stages of a divorce and while the name thing isn't a pressing issue, it's on my mind.  I didn't initially change my last name when I married.  I was 26 at the time and while I had a pretty awful maiden name, it seemed odd to just "be" this other person, name-wise.  So, despite my yearning desire to get far away from that name (kidding ~ sort of!), I stuck with it for a couple of years.  By the time our second son was born, though, I'd taken Hans's last name.  It did seem more convenient and logical with children and also in terms of our business.  So for many years now, I've worn that name. 

 

In many respects, it does feel like my married name is me, if you kwim.  It's the last name of our five boys.  It's the name affiliated with our farm.  It's the name by which everyone in our community knows me. 

 

And yet...I don't know.  I've never clicked with Hans's family and some how, it seems odd to have him divorce me and then keep using this name.  On the other hand, as I said, I certainly don't have an affinity for my maiden name.  And beyond my parents, I've never really known anyone in my dad's family or had any deep, multi-generational connection to that name, either.

 

So.  Just thinking what I might do.  I actually know a woman who created a new last name altogether after her divorce.  She didn't want to keep her husband's last name, but she had terminated her relationship with her birth family and didn't want to go with that name either.  I understand her reasoning, but in my case, I'm not really keen on developing a new name identity.  Plus, as it stands, I'm the only person in the world, to the best of my knowledge, with my name ~ both in the case of my maiden and married name.  I do like to be unique. ;-)

 

Please, if you reply, don't quote my post.  Thanks! : )

[Annie G]

No experience, but I did want to send you some hugs that you're going through a divorce. 

With five boys, I would probably just keep their last name to make it 'easier' for future grandchildren.  Since you really don't care for your maiden name, and a whole new one would be weird, keeping the boys' last name seems like a good option. And maybe you can think of it that way- it's keeping the boys' last name and not your ex-husband's. 

[hjffkj]

Not divorce but I can tell you what a few divorced people I know did and why...

 

Mil got divorced after what to her were 25 happy years of marriage. She kept my fil's last name because that was who she felt she was.  She spent half her life with that name and it was who she identified as.  She didn't identify as her maiden name at all anymore.  It had nothing to do with it being her ex husbands name but all to do with it being her name.

 

My aunt kept her first husbands last name, even after she married again, because it was her oldest son's last name and she didn't want him to feel alienated from their new family with her new husband because he did not share their name.  

 

My dh's ex wife changed her last name back to her maiden name because she viewed the entire marriage as a failure and mistake. She did not want any connections with my dh and  they were also only married for 2 years prior to her seeking divorce so his last name was not part of her identity yet.

[Rosie_0801]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[elegantlion]

After the demise of my first marriage (too young, he cheated, goodbye after 3 years) I didn't change my name back. At the time I didn't want him telling me what I could and couldn't do with it. It was an unusual name and I liked having it. Then I got remarried and took my current name. 

 

Now, ironically next week I go to court, I'm in the midst of another divorce after nearly 22 years of marriage. I'm taking back my maiden name. I decided to for several reasons.

1. I'd like to publish novels someday, I want to do that rightfully under my maiden name. My MIL is a published author  and while I adore her, I want some professional separation.

2. I have no brothers, my family name dies with me and my sister. I want to have that name on my headstone (as morbid as it sounds).

3. I've done a lot of genealogy research over the years. My maiden name means more to me now.

4. I don't feel like a (current last name). That part of my life was always me and him. There were great times, good times, and rotten times, but that time is coming to a close and I'm walking through a new door. I want to do that without feeling like I'm still attached to him. We're on friendly terms, but he doesn't get to define me anymore. Part of who I am now is a (maiden name). 

5. I considered my son. He's 17 now. If he were younger, I might hesitate more about changing it. I remind him that his father is his father, he will always be a (last name). He's the 4th generation 1st born son of a 1st born son. If we were royalty, he'd be in line for the throne (sorry, was thinking about that in my history class this week). I'm really hoping they maintain a good relationship and I've done all I can under our trying circumstances to make that happen. 

 

I'm sorry you're in this position. As someone who was separated in spring of 2013, I know these decisions don't come easy. I wish you all the best whatever you decide about your name. 

[Joanne]

I NEEDED to be disassociated with that name, those years, that affiliation. I knew, intuitively, that there would be another (# 4) Mrs. {married last name}.

 

I went from divorce court to the DMV.

[Alicia64]

Sending hugs. I just want to add that in the same situation I would plan to keep/change my name based on what's best for my kids.

 

That's how I'd look at it.

 

Hang in there,

 

Alley

[AlmiraGulch]

I changed my name when I married my 1st husband, and I kept it when we divorced.  I like the name, and it's the same as my children's.

 

I kept it even when I married again.  Same reasons as above, combined with it being a total PITA to deal with a name change.  I just didn't see any need.  

 

 

[Laura Corin]

No advice, but sorry you are going through this, Colleen.

 

L

[G5052]

It's a tough time for you  :grouphug: , but I can understand your desires both ways. Some of my divorced friends kept their married names and some did not.  

 

Some kept their married name because they decided that it had become such a part of them that they preferred to stay the course.  Whether the man they got it from was still in the picture or not, it was part of them so they kept it.  One is an author, and changing it wouldn't make sense from a business standpoint.  And it can get confusing with kids involved.  Several decided to delay the name change until their kids are grown.

 

Others changed.  In most cases they moved and were in different circles, so why not?  I'm like you though, I have no connection to my maiden name and am happy with some distance.  I don't know what I would do.

[Tangerine]

My mom didn't change her name back, but she had been married for 23 years. Is there any reason you can't choose a name you like? Start out totally on your own terms as far as names go?

 

ETA- sorry! I see you addressed that.

[umsami]

I never changed my name.  One, it typically isn't done in many Muslim cultures… so the woman keeps her own name.  I also was proud of my name, and all I had accomplished under this name.

 

But, strangely, when DH and I were considering divorce, I actually thought about changing my name to his or to a hyphenated version because as the kids have grown, the name has grown on me.  I definitely feel we're all a part of team Kids' last name.   Plus, it would annoy my husband. ;)

 

 

I really think it's up to you…. and whatever decision you make is perfectly fine.  After so many years of marriage, IMHO, you're entitled to whatever name you want.  

 

:grouphug:

[DragonFaerie]

I wish I could go back to my maiden name.  But, I feel like I should keep my married name because it's my children's name, too, and I don't want to separate myself from them like that.

 

:grouphug:  Hang in there.  :grouphug:

[Renthead Mommy]

My parents were married around 7 years.  My mom kept her married named.  Then she married Lord Voldemort for 10 years before he died.  After he died she changed her name back to married name from my dad (Husband #1) because that was the name my brother and I had.  We were in college at the time.  She is currently married to #3 and has his name. 

[Mabeline]

Sorry about your divorce.

 

My mom kept her married name after only 7 years of marriage. She said she wanted to stay the same as me and my sister and also because her citizenship was under her married name and it would cause a bigger headache to try and change that. She is kinda annoyed at be the only one left with my dad's name (my sister and I are married and both of us changed our last names) but I think at this point she is used to it.

 

I think you should keep the name that feels the most like you.

[LucyStoner]

I don't understand why your boys have your maiden name if you had your spouse's before most of them were born.

 

I can't give personal feedback on this topic, but I hope you can come to a decision.

She said her married name was the name her 5 sons have?

 

A lot of women keep the same name as their kids after the divorce. A lot of women don't. There's no wrong choice. Do whatever works for you.

[Stacia]

I changed my name when I married my 1st husband, and I kept it when we divorced.  I like the name, and it's the same as my children's.

 

I kept it even when I married again.  Same reasons as above, combined with it being a total PITA to deal with a name change.  I just didn't see any need.  

 

This is what another friend of mine did too.

 

Colleen, :grouphug: .

[Guest]

I'm sorry.  

 

No advice, just a hug across the miles and years.

 

[Tess in the Burbs]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

Since the boys probably know what's going on by now, why not ask the younger ones what they think.  Explain that women take on a new name when married...would they want you to keep the same last name for now?  You can always change it later.  If all the boys were older I would say let it be what you want to do, but since some are still younger, ask what they think.  A lot is going to change for them....and if a name makes it worse don't change it right away. 

 

always praying for you

[UncleEJ]

When my parents divorced, my mom kept my dad's name. Mostly, because it was easier to have the same as my brother and me. When she remarried she took her new DH's name but we were grown by then.

 

When DH's mom got divorced, she took back her maiden name. She actually offered to change her boys last name to her maiden name as well. He was a BIG loser. Her kids decided to keep their dad's name. When she remarried she did not take second husbands name. Good thing, too, because they are no longer married.

[Audrey]

First and foremost, I'm really sorry you are going through this, Colleen.  :grouphug:

 

Second -- names are what you want them to be.  I would encourage you to consider renaming yourself.  It would allow you to maintain your uniqueness on your own terms. I didn't care for my maiden name that much.  I loved my family, but the name is a bit awkward.  I adopted a stage name for my career partly because I didn't care for my maiden name and partly because there was another Audrey Withthatlastname registered with Equity, so I couldn't have used it for professional creds anyway, or I'd have had to modify it or use middle names.  Bleh... didn't want to do that.  I kept the Audrey, but I came up with the rest of my stage name partly through an older family name (not a last name) and partly for the way I liked the flow of the names together.  It really suited me very well and I never felt like it was "just a stage name" but rather the name that best said "me."  I did change my legal name to my dh's last name when we got married, but if, for whatever reason, we weren't married anymore, I would go back and have my stage name as my legal name. 

 

 

[texasmama]

When I married for the first time, I took on his last name.  When I divorced, I kept his name because we had a child together and because I knew I would remarry at some point and did not want to go through multiple name changes.  When I remarried, I went from my first married name to my second married name.  I have not had my maiden name in over 20 years.  Had I not had a child with my first husband, I would have considered changing my name back to my  maiden name.

 

 

[In2why]

I decided the keep my Ex-husbands name so that it matched my kids name.  I felt so strongly about it that when I remarried I kept that last name as my middle name so that I would still share a last name with our kids.  I signed my name First name, exmarried name, New married name.  Using all three.  Now that those kids are adults I only sign First and last name and have completely dropped it.  When I go to get my license renewed I will drop the exname and just use the initial.    I am really glad I did because whenever I saw my kids friends they always called me Ms. Their last name anyway, and I really think they liked that it wasn't an issue.  My hubby is amazing and never blinked an eye.  There were also times he was called Mr. Exlastname by kids as well......just cause that is what kids do.  No biggie.   

[Danestress]

I have not personally BTDT but I do have a few thoughts.

 

First, talk about the legal choices with your attorney.  It's very simple to have a name change included in a divorce.

 

It's not that much harder to have it done after, though, at least in my state.  Typically you would have to fill out a form, pay a filing fee, and then get a court date, at which you could easily appear yourself.  They just want to confirm that you are not doing it for a fraudulent purpose.  Confirm with an attorney that it's similarly easy in your own state.  I only bring this up because you are going to have to make a lot of choices this year, and a lot of decisions about your future.  You don't have to make this particular choice until you feel sure about what you want to do, so take your time if you need it  You could even change your name back legally, but continue to use your married name socially for a while.

 

I never changed my name when I married.  I do not find it particularly difficult to have a different name from my children.   Many of the kids' friends do call me Mrs DH'sLastName and I don't correct them, though I never use it myself and usually ask groups (like my church) to use my correct name in a written communication.  It might be harder to have always had their name, though, and then change it.  You are getting a lot of advice about doing whatever your children would prefer.  Myself, I think a name is very personal.  You are going to have to do a lot of compromising in order to do whatever is best for the kids, but if you really wanted your maiden name back, I would encourage you to honor your own desires too.  Name is identity, and it's not a small matter.

 

I am so sorry you are going through this.  

[Tap]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

Change it to something that will bug the crap out of him to have to write on any form.

 

Something along the lines of...Colleen "ThecoolestpersonIknew"    :coolgleamA:

 

My friend is going through the same decision right now.  She decided to go with her mother's maiden name.  She had married young and all of her diplomas and credentials are in her married name.  She really didn't want to change it, but once the time was right for her, the answer became more clear.  She did decide that if she marries again, she will keep her name so she doesn't ever have to worry about it again.

 

 

 

[Amy in NH]

I don't love my maiden name, and really don't care for my married name even though I chose to use it.  If I were getting a divorce today I would probably change my last name to my mother's maiden name.

 

I'm sorry for that you have to make this decision.  :(

[Ravin]

I changed my name for other reasons. I thought about going back to the surname I started with, but DD was adamant we have the last name. For that reason, I went with married name.

[Liz CA]

 I am very sorry to hear this. I have two friends who divorced in the last 5 years. Both have taken back their maiden names, however, both said if their children had still been minors they would not have done so. They figured it would have avoided unnecessary confusion when parent and child last names are different. And since divorce on younger children is hard enough, one friend said, the last thing she would have wanted is to indicate to her children that she was distancing herself by shedding a name that is also theirs.

Don't know if this is a concern at all for you but it is a reason that made sense to me at the time.

 

Best to you and yours!

 

ETA: I forgot how time has passed. I remember your having little ones and now I saw on your signature that your "little" one is already 10!

[kroe1]

I have not read the other posts.

 

Take the first letter of the names of your children. Can you scramble them to make a new last name?

 

Is there a historic figure you admire? You could take that last name.

 

And, sticking with your current last name is fine, too.

[bettyandbob]

My MIL kept her married name when divorced. Prior to divorce while raising children, she went to law school and started practicing law. By the time she divorced she had established a professional identity under her married name. So, changing her name would have seriously interfered with her professional life.

 

I don't think there is a requirement you choose one way or the other. I think you choose the name that will help or be the least hindrance in you moving forward.

[Night Elf]

When I got divorced after 7 years of marriage, I kept my married name. It was mine all my adult life and I just didn't feel like my maiden name anymore. But it got changed again when I took my DH's name when I remarried.

 

When my sister divorced, she kept her married name too. She changed it when she remarried.

 

My mother kept her married name for 25 years until she remarried. She once told me she didn't want a different name from her daughters. Mom remarried when I was 28 and took her new DH's name. My sister and I have married names so she no longer felt tied to that first married name.

[Annie G]

I don't love my maiden name, and really don't care for my married name even though I chose to use it.  If I were getting a divorce today I would probably change my last name to my mother's maiden name.

 

I'm sorry for that you have to make this decision.  :(

 

That's a lovely idea. I love my mother's maiden name!

[swellmomma]

I opted to keep my married name because it is the last name all my children have.  

[Pam in CT]

:grouphug: Colleen.  I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

I have friends who have gone both ways, based largely I believe on how well their married names "fit" who they were.

 

Personally, I would not worry unduly about keeping the same name as the boys, for the sake of the boys.  I never changed my name in the first place when I got married, and my mother was apoplectic worrying about the worry that would fall upon her as-yet-unconceived grandchildren...  Yet throughout their whole lives, they've been *surrounded* by other kids who also have parents and siblings with other last names -- through remarriage, other cultural naming norms, blended families, etc.  It's very common.  The kids don't think about it, schools and sports clubs etc all deal with it.

 

If a change feels "right" but your own maiden name doesn't particularly beckon, the idea of considering your mother's maiden name (or another family name from your side) is lovely.

 

Do what feels right for you.  Holding you in the light.

[Reefgazer]

I'm sorry for your divorce, and I can't offer any advice because I am not divorced and didn't change my name after I married.  Mostly, I have a question for those who say it's easier when they have kids.  How do you find it easier?  I have always had a different name than my kids (they have their dad's name) and it's never caused issues or been difficult, so I am not seeing the reasoning there.

[swimmermom3]

Colleen, I remember reading a while back that things were rough; I am so sorry. :grouphug:

 

The only thing I can suggest is to check your gut reaction to the various combinations of names. Some maiden names are more hassle than they are worth. My MIL's is Kok. This might be okay in Holland, but is a bit problematic here. :tongue_smilie: My own maiden name is fine, but I haven't been that person for 25 years. I would probably keep my married name until all the kids graduated from high school just for simplicity's sake, but if my ex or his family made too much of a fuss, I'd drop it. 

 

You are uniquely you regardless of the surname. If you intend to continue working in your current family industry that may come into play, but honestly I like Audrey's idea of coming up with a name of your own.  Look back into your family history. Is there something appealing? Can you revert to an earlier spelling?  Think about your heritage.

 

I wish you all the best and hope that this difficult transition brings you a new outlook, new joy, and new and exciting opportunities. May your heart heal and be made whole.

[Guest]

I'm sorry for your divorce, and I can't offer any advice because I am not divorced and didn't change my name after I married.  Mostly, I have a question for those who say it's easier when they have kids.  How do you find it easier?  I have always had a different name than my kids (they have their dad's name) and it's never caused issues or been difficult, so I am not seeing the reasoning there.

 

Reefgazer, I think it depends on your circumstances as to how much hassle it will be.  

 

One of my friends kept her maiden name for YEARS after her marriage (and they are still married).  She changed it to be the same as her husband's after a nightmare experience taking one of THEIR sons to the emergency room.  The difference in last names delayed the admittance of their son and eventually it all got straighted out when the DAD came to get the paperwork fixed.  This is in modern day, progressive Seattle.  That was her motivation.

 

Another couple, she changed her name to match her dh's because they were suddenly involved in a lot of international travel, and the different last names caused hassles at airports, customs, and there were concerns about healthcare decisions, because in SOME countries, the matching last name was *required* for authorization for treatment.  There were ways around it, but they didn't want to tempt fate and delay treatment.

 

Anyway, those are two situations I know of that influenced the decision to take the same last name, and they might be of interest to Colleen.  

 

Kind regards,

Patty Joanna

[maize]

Reefgazer, I think it depends on your circumstances as to how much hassle it will be.

 

One of my friends kept her maiden name for YEARS after her marriage (and they are still married). She changed it to be the same as her husband's after a nightmare experience taking one of THEIR sons to the emergency room. The difference in last names delayed the admittance of their son and eventually it all got straighted out when the DAD came to get the paperwork fixed. This is in modern day, progressive Seattle. That was her motivation.

 

Another couple, she changed her name to match her dh's because they were suddenly involved in a lot of international travel, and the different last names caused hassles at airports, customs, and there were concerns about healthcare decisions, because in SOME countries, the matching last name was *required* for authorization for treatment. There were ways around it, but they didn't want to tempt fate and delay treatment.

 

Anyway, those are two situations I know of that influenced the decision to take the same last name, and they might be of interest to Colleen.

 

Kind regards,

Patty Joanna

I was questioned going through the airport immigration line with my oldest when she was a toddler because the last name on my passport did not match hers. My passport had been amended with my married name, but that amendment was in the back not the front with the picture and the different names were seen as a red flag.

[maize]

I'm not divorced so no btdt, but I'm pretty sure I would keep my married name; it's been my identity for most of my adult life, matches my kids, and is a lot shorter and easier to spell than my maiden name :)

[Carol in Cal.]

Colleen, I am very sorry to hear about your impending divorce.  Even if it's what you want, it is never easy.

 

I have a friend who divorced after 3 children and a pretty long marriage, and she chose to use her grandmother's maiden name--it was as far back in her female line as she could find name records, and she liked that connection to her heritage specifically as a woman.

[Crimson Wife]

One of my aunts had a very bitter divorce and went back and forth about keeping the married name vs. going back to her maiden name. She ultimately decided to keep the married name until she remarried because she considered it her kids' surname rather than her ex's.

[NorthwestMom]

No advice, but sorry you are going through this. 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[saw]

I never changed my name so after I got divorced I didn't have to do anything. Had I changed my name, I would have changed back either to my maiden name or possibly my mother's maiden name. I don't care for xdh's family and feel an anti-connection to them, so would have wanted to distance myself from them. I have however always liked my mother's maiden name and am closer to that side of the family than to my father's. It would have been a nice opportunity to make a fresh start.

Sorry to hear about the divorce -- I hope you get through it without too much difficulty. I'm two years post-divorce (next week I think) and am in a much much much better place now than I was for years pre-divorce. I hope you will find a similar peace.

[Colleen]

Thank you for the encouragement and good wishes.  Some of you know that my marriage has always been challenging, but I'd prefer to avoid divorce ~ at least until my youngest guys are older.  In other words, this isn't my choice, but it is what it is.  Given all that is involved, it may be a rather complex process, unfortunately.  Sigh.

 

(M)aybe you can think of it that way- it's keeping the boys' last name and not your ex-husband's. 

 

While I appreciate everyone's input, this first reply particularly resonates with me.  I do like sharing the same last name as my sons and I can just view it as their/our name.  Thinking in those terms, I realize that for now at least, this is what would feel best.

 

It's very simple to have a name change included in a divorce.  It's not that much harder to have it done after, though, at least in my state….I only bring this up because you are going to have to make a lot of choices this year, and a lot of decisions about your future.  You don't have to make this particular choice until you feel sure about what you want to do, so take your time if you need it 

 

Oh, I know a name change here in WA isn't difficult and that I can make the decision any time.  But given all the tough choices & compromises that lay ahead, it's comforting to consider the relatively simple things, kwim?

 

My friend is going through the same decision right now.  She decided to go with her mother's maiden name.  

 

That's unique!  Coincidentally, my mother's name is actually contained within my married name.  But I have zero attachment to her maiden name, and really, she doesn't either thanks to some challenges in her upbringing.  Just wouldn't make any sense in my case.

 

Some maiden names are more hassle than they are worth. My MIL's is Kok. This might be okay in Holland, but is a bit problematic here. :tongue_smilie:

 

Ha!  That's not uncommon here in my Dutch town and is even a road name. : )

 

I'm glad I started this thread.  It was really helpful to me & I've settled the issue in my own mind for the time being.

[Cera]

I kept my married name.  It is my children's last name and it is the name I am known by as an adult.  I like who I am and didn't want to feel like I was reinventing myself again (or starting over).

[Wheres Toto]

((hugs))

 

I kept my last name after my divorce because it was my daughter's last name.  I did change my name when I remarried to my new husbands, so it no longer matches my daughter's.   I probably would not have changed it without getting remarried, at least not before she was 18.

 

My last name never matched my mother's when I was growing up.  She divorced my dad, remarried and changed her name, divorced again, changed her name to her maiden name, and then remarried again but didn't have to change her name because his matches her maiden name.   It was pretty weird growing up in the 70's and 80's with a different last name than my mother's - there was an assumption back then and I was constantly correcting people.  

 

I don't think it's nearly as unusual these days and dd has said she doesn't find it odd or all that unusual among her friends.

[Elisabet1]

Lots of people keep the married name. In fact, I have never known anyone to divorce and go back to their maiden name, ever.

[Scarlett]

I had a terrible relationship with my first MIL. But I had had that name for 26 years and it is my son's name. My reasoning to keep it was that if I remarried it would change anyway and if I never did I would want the same last name as my son.

 

You have 5 sons... I would keep their name.