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I'm so tired of doing nothing well


Moxie
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The house is picked up but never clean.

"Meals" are served, but it is quick to cook crappy food that no one is excited to eat.

School is done.  There is no educational neglect.  But I'm not proud of where we are.  I stay awake nights worrying about my 13yo and high school next year, my 12yo who hates all math (actually, all work), my 8yo with so many issues.

I want to be a better homemaker but I legit don't have time.

We were on vacation all last week and I never felt relaxed because all the (very real!) issues we have in our homeschool never leave my mind.

I'm seriously considering sending some of them to school after Christmas but that seems so...mean?

It feels like this is too much to ask of one person but the world is full of homeschooling moms with bigger families who are pulling it off so clearly I just suck at this. 

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First, give yourself permission to not be perfect at everything...none of us are!!

Second, if homeschooling is just causing you stress, give yourself permission to take a break if that would be best for your family.

Third, I would just focus on small, baby steps.  For example, set a goal of one new good dinner a week.  Set a goal for one small area really "clean" a week.  Set some smaller educational goals for each child.

The whole thing can be overwhelming at times...it must be broken down into parts.

(And finally, never, ever compare yourself to other moms who seem to be doing it all with five times more children...everyone has their struggles - some people just hide it better than others!)

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I'm starting to doubt the legitimacy of these homeschool moms that are "pulling it all off". I am always seeing them online but they are scarse on the ground. Every time I think I've finally met one I go to her house and it's just as messy as mine, or her 6yo also turns out to hate math, and so on.

 

But I hear you. I'm doing ok, clean "enough" house to not be embarrassed (just as long as they don't see my back yard!), unimaginitive healthy-ish food (nothing to Instagram about) but atleast on the table, and school gets done (if not with passion and joy) every day. I sometimes wonder if my kids would be better off at school.

 

My husband and I have talked about it recently and he's going to try to pull more weight around the house. Aka instead of staying up past 10 or 11 cleaning I'm just going to go to bed and let him do it the next morning. He wakes up hours before the rest of the house. I might try one of those "20 crock pot meals in 2 hours" deals and stock the freezer. Finding those two hours will be a challenge though.

 

So no help, but plenty of solidarity.

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Preach it, sister.

 

First, nobody has your group of kids, so no one is doing it better than you.  You truly can't compare to other people....especially if you have kids who have learning issues. I dream of being able to pass out stacks of CLE workbooks to my brood of children, but it just is never going to happen. My kids with learning issues are so.much.more to handle.

 

Second, my kids have almost the same age range and spacing as yours. FWIW, I sent my almost 2 yo off for a day with extended family. It was an awesome school day.  I was surprised that one little tweak changed so much.....and I was reminded that the toddler phase is temporary.  Hang in there.

 

Plan ONE day where you are going to make a nice supper a week. Spend time with girlfriends. Give your kids a few more chores. Take Friday afternoons off...

 

Hugs!

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Please be gentle with yourself! :grouphug:  Realize that the only way ANYONE could "do it all" is with help. And if work is all you do, YOU will become a very unhappy person. Some ideas:

 

Get some help: 

- Hire a landscape service to come in once a month to take care of the outside.

- Once a week (we picked Sat. mornings), we ALL do the deep cleaning (DH too); everyone has an assigned area.

- At ages 12 and 13, your kids are at an age to be helping with food prep, purchasing and clean up, and in another 2-4 years, to be able to be on a cooking/shopping schedule

- Find help with the 2 little ones one morning a week -- visit grandma or other relative; go to a in-the-home day care of a friend; go to a pre-school/kinder

- Outsource a few things (math, writing, science, foreign language are the big ones) in the schooling that either:

* you don't like to do

* don't feel comfortable doing

* takes too much of your time to try and learn/keep up with to be able to personally oversee it

 

And start scheduling regular time in the week's schedule for YOU:

- one night a week YOU are not responsible for dinner (DH brings home dinner, eat out, eat "breakfast for dinner" that the kids make/clean up, or have DH/kids heat up and serve: leftovers, freezer meal, etc.

- one 4-hour block of time per week to do what "fills YOUR tank"

 

And schedule good weekly family time, to just enjoy each other without stress and having to race around to activities:

- walk down to the nearby ice cream shop for after-dinner dessert

- go for a picnic/hike

- popcorn and DVD movie night

- go play tennis together

- board game night

- etc.

 

:grouphug:  Hugs and hopes you soon recover some joy in your life, and in your family.

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I completely understand. I feel like I keep things acceptable enough most of the time, but to get everything to the next level requires "just a little more" from me, and I just don't have it to give. I really try to live by the motto that someone else posted of not letting perfect be the enemy of the good, and as FlyLady says, things done imperfectly still bless my family.

 

(((HUGS)))

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Are you sure you aren't being traumatized by the legendary Composite Homeschooler? That one who has been created in your imagination by taking the best points of about 20 mothers you know and combining them?

I honestly have never met a person who has everything 'together'. There are people who do a ton of academic schoolwork but the kids don't do any music or artistic pursuits. There are people who cook perfect health food from scratch every day but don't do much in the way of school. There are people who have a beautiful home school rhythm but the house is disgustingly messy. There are people who have a great career, a picture perfect house and garden and a fantastic social life, but they barely see their kids (not home schoolers). There are people like me who swing from one focus to another, usually having a few balls in the air but always dropping something.

 

First you need to recognize that you cannot do everything. You don't have to have cordon bleu cookery every day, or offer the kids every school subject that exists in a way that ignites their passion. 

Once you have adjusted your expectations, start brainstorming ways to make things smoother and more in line with what is important to you. List each area of concern and come up with a few things to try. For example, do your kids cook? I know that little kids in the kitchen tend to create more work than they save, but your eldest two could probably prepare meals some of the time. Make use of whatever other help you can access, either from your family and friends, or paid help if that's an option you can afford.

 

Finally, you are almost certainly doing much better than you think you are. If you're not convinced, ask a few people IRL how they think you are doing. I have many times felt like a complete failure only to receive comments from others about how much they admired something I was doing.

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Nobody does everything. They can't. There are 24 hours in a day.

 

Have you seen Moms Night Out yet? I, in all seriousness, suggest it as therapy.

 

Since when did we, as homeschooling mamas, come to push ourselves into anxiety attacks? Is it the result of Pinterest? Our own insane expectations? Some messed up measuring stick?

 

I've been at this for a while now, and I know it seems like some mamas just have it all figured out.... Some days I even get to be that mama, lol, but I promise, we ALL fall short. All of us. And you know what? That's really okay. It is.

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Moxie, I see in your post multiple things that you do well. You just keep letting the "but" in. 

You pick up well.

You make sure meals are served.

You get school done.

You actually made time out of your busy life for everyone to have a vacation.

You have deep commitment to the education and lives of all your children as evidenced by how concerned you are for them.

 

Sounds like you are quite the homemaker and mother to me. :grouphug:

Tell the "buts" to get lost.

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Delegate, delegate. You have a houseful. I rearranged my kitchen so my five and six year old could load and unload the dishwasher. They have been doing it for a year. I don't fold or hang up anyone's laundry but my own and DH. My kids don't get free acess to all their toys and are grounded to what I put on the table until they can handle cleaning that up on their own. I never clean the kids' bathroom. They split that amongst themselves. My kids can't wait to get a hold of the vacuum one day.

 

My DS6 has started making sandwiches on his own for his siblings for lunch, and I just take a deep breath and realize they know how to wipe the counters down. I also realize that I can hide the veggies in their smoothies and that my kids don't care for dinner so why kill myself.

 

Frankly, I have had unapproved artwork on my walls for a couple of weeks because every time I do get out of the house I forget to pick up magic erasers. You better believe it that I won't be scrubbing off the artwork from my walls. I think the best moms are the moms who don't do it all. I mean really imagine if the husband was home with all the kids. Would he do it all or start training the minions? The ideal mom who does it all doesn't exists, but the mom who trains little people take over boring, tedious house work...yep, she exists. To all you moms who stand on the last chapter of Proverbs, that is a prophecy that know one but Israel in the future will understand. The person who wrote it didn't understand it, so please stop torturing yourself.

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When I am stressed, my son feels it too. After a few months of stress then meltdown,stress then fight, stress then meltdown, both of us were worn out. So we made the decision to drop all schoolwork other than reading and math. One half hour of reading, one section of math. That was all we needed for a good school day. We set times, everyone agreed, and we told each other it was okay to be upset but that we were stinking doing it!

 

I told myself that for a good house day all I has to do was one round of dishes and the living room picked up. I told Ds. We were going to work together and it was okay to nag me but I might get grumpy.

 

It allowed me success. Before that point everything felt like a failure because it was just too much to expect instantly. Then I disliked myself, Ds disliked himself, everyone just became totally dysfunctional. When I felt better about myself, we added Spelling and making the beds. Slowly I began straightening the bathroom even though it was not on my list. Ds started to feel happier and even began tuning into school again. We needed a reset.

 

Allow yourself a reset. Your 13 year old is not in high school yet (that can be a good thing) so you have a bit of time. It is September, another good thing. Emotionally you need to be okay before anything can get done.

 

I have only one to homeschool, so I can only imagine how hard five would be. Our issue is my husband's PTSD. Take deep breathes. I promise you are not crazy. You are not the only one with ragged edges. Yesterday my son wore the same underwear because I hadn't done the laundry and he was totally out. We have quesadillas for dinner frequently and not fancy Pioneer Woman style quesadillas. My car looks like the thing I drove in high school. Most lives are not blog posts.

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Ă¢â‚¬Â¦ To all you moms who stand on the last chapter of Proverbs, that is a prophecy that know one but Israel in the future will understand. The person who wrote it didn't understand it, so please stop torturing yourself.

 

The Proverbs woman delegates to a household staff and she has servants. That was the norm for large, prosperous ancient households -- there were cooks, servants, laborers for the field -- plus workers if there was also a "cottage business". SHE is NOT doing it all herself all alone. ;)

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We were on vacation all last week and I never felt relaxed because all the (very real!) issues we have in our homeschool never leave my mind

Sometimes you do have to leave troubles at the door and just relax and recharge.

As for keeping a neat home, I just designated my unused dining room as the mess place/"junkyard" so now I feel much better since the rest of my home is less of a sensory overload to me.

My boys cook since they don't like what I cook :)

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The Proverbs woman delegates to a household staff and she has servants. That was the norm for large, prosperous ancient households -- there were cooks, servants, laborers for the field -- plus workers if there was also a "cottage business". SHE is NOT doing it all herself all alone. ;)

Well, this is certainly true whether one wants to apply it to themselves (I am too poor to apply it to me in this context ;) ) or see it as it is called, a prophecy. That prophecy is often used on Mother's Day to celebrate the mom who doesn't exist and we then in turn are celebrated for something we are not. That is why I mention it. Of course there are some who think they are this woman. To this I say, if you are rich with nannies, butlers, servants and such, please send one my way. ;)

 

Well, on a side note, I am sure my floors are less dirty than a dirt floor of those days. Hey, maybe dirt floors will come back in style soon. Then we can all relax. Then again, I am fond of my vacuum. I guess I will never be in style. (Bring on the wall art kids...maybe I should embrace it.)

 

Lol. Cheer up OP. :)

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You've gotten great advice, but I'll add one piece... sometimes when I feel like I'm doing everything half-assed, I have to drop everything and let a bunch of things go and just do one thing and really do it right in order to get my mojo back. So, like, stop schooling and cleaning for a couple of days and cook one in-freaking-credible meal. Or stop cooking and schooling and completely clean and organize one room floor to ceiling for a couple of days. Or stop cooking and cleaning and teaching math and spelling and do one crazy awesome project with the kids for a week.

 

And then, having completely triumphed and dominated and gotten my mojo back, the half-assedness can continue. Honestly, most daily tasks aren't ever going to be triumphs. We all mostly eke by and do our best.

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Well, I've felt similarly and I would say there are few possibilities (1) your standards are too high for your current situation and resources and/or (2) you need to make some changes in order to meet your goals and expectations. I know at my own house it is often a combo and it is hard at times to admit that sometimes my goals aren't realistic for my life or what I really need to whip into shape is myself, not the kids. It can be sooo very frustrating to have this vision in your head of how you think or want things to be but unable to pull it off. I hope your able to figure it out for yourself. Also, I don't know what the right choice for your family is irt school choice but if your making that choice with their best interests in mind, as it seems you are doing, then it is not selfish no matter your final decision.

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It feels like this is too much to ask of one person but the world is full of homeschooling moms with bigger families who are pulling it off so clearly I just suck at this. 

 

I think you're probably imagining that more people are pulling off the extraordinary for long periods of time, when the reality is that they aren't. Some people might be doing amazing things with certain subjects for certain periods of time with certain children. 

 

I'm not sure if you need a big hug and some kind words that you are doing a wonderful job, or a challenge to find that homeschooling mom with a bigger family who is pulling it off and ask her what her magic formula is.

 

I don't know what would help you at this point in your life. I know that when I had a busy toddler and a 4 year old my house was messy and I wasn't getting much accomplished with my 6 and 8 year old school-wise either academically or with extra-curricular activities. There just wasn't time or energy in that season. It was all about survival, and I just thank God that I did survive it and make it to this next stage (dc are 8, 10, 12 and 14). This stage is busier (if that's even possible) but at least I get out of the house on my own, and I can bring my dc to classes run by someone who has the time and energy to plan for subjects I choose not to. The house is still messy, but as long as I have my counter clean at some point in time each day, I feel like I can survive this season. Who knows what the next season might bring. I may miss the crazy busy life-style and become bored. ;)

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I'm sorry! I feel that way myself. I love the post about the legendary composite homeschool mom. I totally do that. I look at all these women and see what they do well, and they berate myself for not measuring up. To this mythological woman. Just know I'm right there with you. I have 20 lbs. to lose and can't stay on a diet, my house gets picked up and then is messy 5 minutes later. My kids don' like school, and I'm getting farther and farther away from classical education... just ordered A Beka 6th grade history, thank you! Don't ask! Sometimes I wonder how our grandmothers and great-grandmothers did it. Did they compare themselves so much. Or maybe it's our modern culture. We have Pinterest and all these blogs to show us everything we could/should be doing, but we aren't.

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When I feel this way, I clean my own bedroom. (It's kind of like my version of Flylady's sink cleaning, if you know what I mean.) Because I get super busy all day with the children's things, I usually neglect my own personal things and areas. And when my space is peaceful, I am motivated, less overwhelmed, and feel like everything else is manageable again too...like making meals, schooling, and washing laundry.

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Hugs. And it is overwhelming. For me, the most important thing is to get to bed (even with a mess), take Sunday off housework, school, etc and just rest, and delegate wherever possible. No one can do everything, and there is often not time to get everything done. That's okay. Do what you can (which you are) and when the kids are older and this season of busyness has passed, you'll have a spotless house and a well tended garden (sorry, my fantasy :-}). 

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LOL.  Well, I've been at it for a long time now.  I have a 12th grader who has been homeschooled since preschool.  Even though mine are older, I work from home, so it is a crazy ride most of the year.  My time is packed 7 days a week.  I work far less in the summer and am off for two weeks over the holidays, so that is my break.

 

It depends on your tolerance for disorder I guess, but I do my best and leave it at that.

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For us, adding baby #5 to our family seemed to bring chaos.  Both my husband and I feel this way and while I couldn't tell you exactly why it became chaotic, it just did.  #5 was our number I guess.  Anyway, we have since been blessed with #6 and here's a few things we've figured out along the way.

 

My dh does Math.  We have a 30-40 minute time block for Math each morning.  I teach the 6yo and am available for any questions the olders may have, but Dad checks their work each night and handles any teaching or discussion needed.

 

We clean just before or just after supper.  Each day of the week is a different zone and we all clean together.  If dh is home, he either cleans with us or holds the baby.  I used clean everything on Friday mornings, but it just got to be too much and we would end up rushing trying to complete everything.

 

I set aside time each afternoon to meet with one of my older boys.  Mon. and Wed. is for one boy and Tue. and Thu. is for the other.  We take about 30-45 minutes and I teach English. My other children are all napping or having a quiet time during this time so we can work uninterrupted.  Quiet time happens everyday for an hour.  For everyone.  I take about 40 minutes for myself and then one of my boys join me.

 

Activities are limited.  My dh and oldest three children participate in Tae Kwon Do one evening each week and we participate in summer soccer programs, but that's it for organized sports. Our evenings are generally spent cleaning, playing and reading together.

 

Many of our meals are from scratch, but they are simple and substantial.  If I make soup, it's enough for 2-3 meals.  If I'm making lasagna, I'll toss the frozen beef in the frying pan before breakfast and let it cook slowly while we eat.  If I'm using the crockpot it's simple.  Frozen chicken breasts, a can of black beans, some salsa and it's done.

 

My children help with laundry.  I get a load ready each night before bed, turn it on in the morning and after breakfast we hang it up to dry.  The older boys do their laundry once per week.

 

We sweep during lunch cleanup and dh or I sweep again in the evening.

 

I'm trying something new this school year.  6 weeks on for schooling and 1 week off.  I'm aiming for 36 weeks of schooling and we'll stop for a summer break when we finish 36 weeks.

 

An older Mom once told me that she could do two things well.  Homeschooling, cooking, and cleaning are three things.  She chose the homeschooling and cooking and enlisted her children to greatly help her with the cleaning.

 

Maybe a discussion with your dh and your children would be helpful.  Do they realize how you are feeling?

 

FWIW, I don't think any large family pulls this off flawlessly.  But God is gracious.  And your children were given to you because you're the Mom for them.

 

Maybe an Emily Barnes book would be helpful.  I have one of her time management books in my to-read pile.  I should probably put it on the top of the pile.

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It feels like this is too much to ask of one person but the world is full of homeschooling moms with bigger families who are pulling it off so clearly I just suck at this. 

 

You are absolutely right! It is too much to ask of one person. And I don't think anyone is doing it all, all of the time. We just can't. So stop beating yourself up and take some time to think about what you want your priorities to be. Put your biggest effort into those things, and then accept that the other things aren't going to get done as well as you'd like or that you need to let someone else handle that responsibility.

 

None of us is totally pulling this off...we are all just doing the best we can.

 

:grouphug: . :grouphug:

 

 

Susan in TX

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It sounds like you're doing pretty well, but I understand the frustration.  

 

Had a funny experience this week.  My mom relayed a complimentary conversation that she had with a friend of ours - about how organized I seem, how I'm handling all these different things, like homeschool and work, how my kids are well behaved, yadda yadda....

 

and you want to know what I was doing at the exact moment this conversation took place?  I was sitting on my kid's bedroom floor, in tears, because I took apart the car seat to wash it (after youngest dumped chocolate milk all over it) and lost the buckle because the house is a disaster.  Couldn't drive anywhere because the car seat was in pieces.  I needed to do the grocery shopping (no food in the house) and hadn't fed 3 of my kids dinner yet.  I finally found the buckle (after looking for 90 minutes) underneath the kitchen island, threw all the kids in the car, fed them McDonald's for dinner, and finally got my grocery shopping done, got home at 9pm, and tossed everyone in bed.  Not sure they even brushed their teeth.  

 

Sometimes, some days seem really, really hard.  And other people don't see all the ugly and difficult parts that go on, they just assume everyone is doing fine (and by fine, I mean better.)  I keep telling myself that it's a season and it will change.  

 

When I'm in a funk because it feels like I'm doing everything and not doing it well, I do what Farrar does - I focus on something and get that one thing done well.  That feeling of being a little bit more in control goes a long way toward making everything else seem manageable.  Usually I clean up our downstairs.  It's a big mental boost for me. 

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No advice, just to say what you've described sounds perfectly normal to me. No picture-postcard homeschooling here...and when I look close-up at my friends, they are just about hanging in there, too :)

 

 

I always know things are getting bad here when I start colour-coding the LEGO into individual boxes...

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I find this thread oddly encouraging.  So many of us find this wonderful endeavor extremely challenging.  It is, by far, the hardest thing I have ever done.

 

I have had all kids in PS and that was equally stressful, but for very different reasons.  Despite the dirty house, the extra long to do list, the scrapbooks that never get done, and the complete exhaustion of every day, I am glad I trudge on through each an every blessedly difficult day.

 

I remember the veterans here, reminding me ( a relative newbie), that this is just a season of life.  Each season has blessings and, well, many not so lovely moments.  I am trying to focus on the blessings, which can be hard to find, but when I look for them -  they make me smile.  Like today, when DS finally finished his science 2 hours later ... he finished, that is a blessing.  The 2 hours of torture, I am trying to forget. :ohmy:

 

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Life was easier when you could not see my kitchen or kitchen table from the front door. I had to only clean one small room. And in that case, all could be tossed in to the next room. Even that rarely happened. Now everything is out in the open. I have now decided my best route in life is to visit friends houses before they visit mine. If their houses are too clean, I will never invite them over. It is a simple solution. Silly it might sound, but it makes me feel better. I do not feel the need to have a perfect anything around others who also don't have things perfect.

 

But it has been easy..I have never met a home schooler with multiple children and a clean house. So I have been in great shape so far!

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It helps me to remember that this is a full time job. I mean just the homeschooling once you get to a certain age and/or certain amount of students. I am actively teaching all morning, take a break for lunch and then am helping or having academic discussions,checking work and teaching more classes until 3,4 sometimes 5. Then there are library trips, field trips and any activities to fit in. And if anyone gets sick! Ai yi yi! It helps when I realize that my SIL, who works full time, hires house help and goes to those "pack up multiple meals to freeze" places. We don't think that's strange, but we think we, who work full time as the children are messing up the house, should somehow, consistently be pulling it all off just because we are working at home.

 

Give yourself a break. There is not one woman I know who is keeping every single ball up in the air effortlessly, all the time with perfection. No one. Every single one of us have had to make sacrifices in multiple areas to keep peace and sanity. It's okay. Really.

 

I think our generation has much higher expectations for ourselves than past generations. I think it's killing our joy.

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 It helps when I realize that my SIL, who works full time, hires house help and goes to those "pack up multiple meals to freeze" places. We don't think that's strange, but we think we, who work full time as the children are messing up the house, should somehow, consistently be pulling it all off just because we are working at home.

 

I think our generation has much higher expectations for ourselves than past generations. I think it's killing our joy.

 

Yes and yes!

 

Just because you are working at home, does not mean that you are automatically responsible for all the domestic jobs as well. And of course a family in which most people are at home most of the time is going to create more mess than a family in which everybody is at school or work for most of their waking hours.

 

I was reading recently about the higher expectations. Apparently, pre household gadgets when everything was done by hand, most people had help (even those on modest incomes employed others to assist with household tasks or childcare) and the expectations of cleanliness and hygiene were lower. Also, people had little paperwork compared to now, and unless you were very wealthy (in which case you had lots of paid help), there was less stuff to manage and tidy. Then in the 50s, which was supposedly the golden age of the housewife, kids got much less parental attention than now. We're talking babies being put in the pram and left at the bottom of the garden so that housework could get done. We are the first generation of mothers with such high expectations of what we can achieve with minimal or no outside help.

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I have realized this school year that if I want school to go as it should, our house will not be as clean as I like. If I really want to clean the house well, and get school done, then i probably need to tell DH to pick up dinner on the way home. There are only so many hours in the day, and I only have so much energy.

I still wish I could get everything done, so it is a daily battle for me. I have to make myself focus on one thing at a time, and not stress about what is not getting done.

So, I do get where you are coming from. :grouphug:

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"An older Mom once told me that she could do two things well.  Homeschooling, cooking, and cleaning are three things.  She chose the homeschooling and cooking and enlisted her children to greatly help her with the cleaning."

 

I find I'm only capable of doing one thing well. But, hey, one out of three is better than none, right?  :001_smile: 

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BTDT, it's a season and will pass.  I always forget this when I'm in the midst.  It is only when I come out of it that I realize it was a true season.

 

Hope this very similar thread I started a while ago has some wisdom although you've received alot of great words so far.

 

http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/511020-keeping-it-all-together-meal-planning-cleaning-discipline-school-etc/?hl=%2Bdoing+%2Ball+%2Bmomee&do=findComment&comment=5583773

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I haven't read all the responses but I wanted to chime in. I felt like you did a couple of years ago. I had so much stress about school. I knew I wasn't doing any of my kids justice. The older ones needed more rigor and the younger ones needed more time. So I decided to try online classes for my high schooler. It has been one of the best homeschooling decisions I have ever made. I know dd is getting a great education. Her assignments have real deadlines and are graded by a professional. She has to study for tests and she interacts with her instructor and other students. Over the last three years I have added more and more outsourced classes and my anxiety about homeschooling is gone! I have the time to spend with my two middle schoolers but they are even now taking an online science class and a writing class.

I really encourage you to look at online options or outsourced classes!

 

(((Hugs)))

 

Elise in NC

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I am not very good at this, but I have heard that just being where you are in the present is the best way to deal with not feeling good about anything.

 

If you are just where you are, doing what you are doing then it is all fine and you can be at peace (even if in your mind things are falling apart - they seldom are in the exact present)

 

So if your house is untidy and you are sitting in your chair then you can be at peace because you are sitting in your chair in the best way you can right then and it is the right thing to be doing at that precise second.

If your kids have not accomplished what you want them to have and you are worrying about it at night, then you can stop because in that second you are lying in bed exactly where you should be at night and you can be at peace with where you are and what you and the kids are doing right then.

Then the next morning when you are schooling them and they are doing their work you can be at peace with that too because that is what should be happening right then. And if they are not doing their schoolwork and they should be you can be at peace with that too because you can do something to get them doing what they should and as long as you are doing what you should then you can be at peace with that too.

 

Obviously things still need to be done and planning must happen but usually stopping worrying about it for a short time and just being where you are, somehow gives you the power and energy to do something about it - and only what can be done at that moment instead of worrying about months in advance that you cannot do anything about now.

 

Now I need to do what I just wrote.

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Educating children is a full-time job.

 

Being a homemaker and mother is a full-time job.

 

It's no wonder that homeschool moms feel overwhelmed. We're trying to cram two full-time jobs onto one person. The only way you can do it is to delegate some things and drop expectations on some things.

 

I also concur with the point about only being able to do two of the three daily duties well. Will it be school, or housekeeping, or meals? 

 

Meals: My usual dropped ball. We eat lots of sandwiches and oatmeal here. I'm trying to use the crockpot more. I fantasize about having a personal chef. Housekeeping: I make the kids do a clean sweep at night so I at least get to enjoy a clean quiet house for a couple hours after they're in bed. I've had to train myself not to stress over the messes during the day. I just keep the kitchen clean. School: A combo of Self-Propelled learning and an online writing course for my 13yo has saved the day. I see more online classes in our future.

 

I read a hint in an organizing book that has really helped my perspective regarding housekeeping: True organization is more about how a space FUNCTIONS than how it LOOKS. So I focus more on getting our home to function well than having it look perfect.

 

Thanks for this thread. I'm right in there with the rest of you. We had our children a little later in marriage so a lot of my friends with similar-aged children are younger and have so much more energy and ambition than I do. It is so easy to compare and feel like a failure when they post articles on how bad boxed cereal is for you. :)

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Thanks for all the thoughts/commiseration.

 

I've been thinking about this a lot. Btw, if you think homeschooling is always the best choice, you might want to stop reading here; I just don't share that sentiment.

 

If I can't pull off a great education for my kids (totally identifying with the person up thread who said she is moving further and further from the dream of a classical education), why am I doing this? If they went to the (expensive) private school, they would be getting a great education and I'd (theoretically) have time to go to the grocery store, clean my windows, etc. IDK. I'm wondering if it would be worth $8500k/year (the cost for 3 kids at the school run by our church) for a solid education and an improved home life??

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Thanks for all the thoughts/commiseration.

 

I've been thinking about this a lot. Btw, if you think homeschooling is always the best choice, you might want to stop reading here; I just don't share that sentiment.

 

If I can't pull off a great education for my kids (totally identifying with the person up thread who said she is moving further and further from the dream of a classical education), why am I doing this? If they went to the (expensive) private school, they would be getting a great education and I'd (theoretically) have time to go to the grocery store, clean my windows, etc. IDK. I'm wondering if it would be worth $8500k/year (the cost for 3 kids at the school run by our church) for a solid education and an improved home life??

If this is a good option for your kids and family, I see nothing wrong with doing it.  I agree that homeschooling is not always the best or only choice.  As you know, school comes with its own set of challenges, and I suspect your issues are more "stage of life ones", but my older dd went K-12 at a good private school and it has worked out fine for her.

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But do you know that they'd really get a solid education in the private school? I'm considering going back to work so am looking at private elementary schools right now and I've been pretty disappointed by what I've seen so far.

 

ISTM that there is a sharp divide between the very expensive, elite private schools (in this city that runs about $20K to $28K per child) and the neighborhood parochial schools (about $6K per child). The parochial schools are basically public schools with a tight-knit community, better discipline and some assurance that the other families are like yours. I don't mean to demean those things because they the reasons we are considering a parochial school. But I expect to need to do a lot of work at home with my DD on math and writing if she goes to a school like this.

 

OTOH students in the elite schools study and discuss quality literature and learn how to write well. IMHO, math is not that much better in the elite schools than the parochial schools.

 

Not to derail your thread here but what I am getting at is that the standards discussed on this board are pretty high and IMHO, they are above what I've seen in the local private schools. They are more in line with the elite schools.

 

RE an improved home life, all of my friends with kids in school spend hours each week on their kids' homework (helping/cajoling/threatening).

As someone whose dd spent thirteen years in a private school (at a cost of about $8000 a year in high school), I can say that she received a high quality college prep education, and I never once spent hours each week helping, cajoling or threatening her regarding homework.  YMMV.

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Hon,
 

Everyone is totally just winging it, all the time - http://www.theguardian.com/news/oliver-burkeman-s-blog/2014/may/21/everyone-is-totally-just-winging-it
 

"I've often thought of my experience of adulthood thus far as one of incrementally discovering that there's no institution, or walk of life, in which everybody isn't just winging it.

Growing up, I assumed that the newspaper on the breakfast table must be assembled by people who truly knew what they were doing; then I got a job at a newspaper.

Unconsciously, I transferred my assumptions of competence to (among others) people who worked in government.

Then I got to know a few people who did Ă¢â‚¬â€œ and who'd admit, after a pint or two, that their jobs involved staggering from crisis to crisis, concocting credible-sounding policies in cars en route to press conferences, exactly as portrayed in The Thick of It."

 

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If you want to focus on doing well, I suggest picking the thing that matters most to you and making incremental improvements on that one thing while keeping everything else pretty much the same. What would you most like to be able to do better, OP?  For me it was meal planning and cooking when I was busy homeschooling 3. I focused on one step at a time over about a year.

 

1.  Get better recipes.  Nothing that takes more than 30 minutes after making it 2-3 times. 

 

I went to Barnes and Noble and left the kids with dad for about 3 or 4 evenings in a row.  I looked through recipe books at my leisure for 2-4 hours at a time until I found two that seemed realistic and doable with recipes I thought we'd like.  God bless Rachel Ray! Teach your children how to do as much food prep as possible.  Even young ones can tear lettuce, grate cheese and cut vegetables.  Yes, they may cut a finger so keep bandaids on hand in the kitchen-they will not die. The risk is next to nothing and the pay off of having actual help is well worth a few missteps in the beginning. Older elementary aged kids through high schoolers can learn to prepare meals-let them learn. 

 

2. Get the recipes most of us like in a "tried and true" binder and have another for experimental ones that look promising.

 

I took the ones that already worked for us an put them all in one place.  Yes, I tore them out of the books and magazines, put them in a plastic page protector and stuck them in a binder.  2-3 times a week we tried something new that looked promising.  If 3 out of the 5 of us didn't really like it, it didn't go into the binder.  If we did, in it went. No wearing your heart on your sleeve for this process.  Everyone is allowed to be perfectly honest about liking it or not and no taking it personally.  Who has time to invest in cooking things most don't like because of fragile egos? 

3. Build meal plans on tried and true recipes.

 

When I had a month's worth of recipes to work with I built a meal plan and matching grocery list. If that's too overwhelming plan 1 week at a time and make a matching grocery list.  Work up to 2 weeks worth.  Then a month's worth. Step by step. Keep the meal plan and the grocery lists that go with them.  No need to reinvent the wheel here, reuse them again in 2 or 3 or 4 weeks, depending on how many you have.  Then, when you go shopping with your list, write down what aisle number you got each item in and add that to the list for future reference. Group things by asile and watch your grocery shopping time decrease.

 

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