umsami Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 A friend of mine has finally left a very bad marriage. Her husband is a controlling jerk and is trying to keep everything…after 30 years of marriage. He wants her to walk away with $5000 for the value of the house…when it's worth considerably more. She doesn't have money for a divorce lawyer to pay up front. All of the lawyers she's spoken to, want a $5k retainer up front. Legal aid type places said that they prioritize women with young children, so can't help. Anybody have any advice? Do all divorce lawyers really operate that way? Aren't there any who would allow a down payment and then monthly payments or look at the value of the home as collateral? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 All? I can't say. Most, or all I have heard of, yes. They require a retainer. Mine was $3500 but that was nearly 10 years ago. She's going to need to beg and borrow to "fight" this battle. She needs an attorney immediately. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 That's normal here. $5000 is normally the down payment. The rest is billed monthly. Divorces are expensive. Clients are high need and call frequently. It's developed that way because people wouldn't pay their monthly bill and the lawyer would be stuck working for free or trying to get the judge's permission to withdraw. Most civil litigation requires a large retainer for that purpose. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommytobees Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 I was lucky. I found an attorney who required ZERO retainer. As long as the bill was paid in full within a month of her sending it, I didn't have to give her a retainer. You can believe I didn't delay any bills to her. I would recommend to your friend to call the local women's shelter and ask for a few recommendations. Ask at church for recommendations. Networking might find her an attorney who works under similar ideals. Good luck! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sandalwood Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 My sister paid by the month. I don't know if she paid a retainer or not, but she paid him by the month till it was paid out. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommymonster Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 Have her look for a younger lawyer or someone who isn't too established; they tend to be more flexible with bills. They are, of course, more green. She will have to be willing to interview them and do research on their reputations. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 Here, that is an average retainer, and retainers are par for the course for divorce lawyers. Is there any way she could borrow that? She really does need a lawyer. It's critically important at this stage that she does not try to be her own lawyer in this divorce. There is far too much potential for disaster for her if she goes forward without competent legal counsel. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmtzc2009 Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 In our area a retainer is normal and around $5000. It stinks but she will benefit from having good representation. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
umsami Posted September 24, 2014 Author Share Posted September 24, 2014 Here, that is an average retainer, and retainers are par for the course for divorce lawyers. Is there any way she could borrow that? She really does need a lawyer. It's critically important at this stage that she does not try to be her own lawyer in this divorce. There is far too much potential for disaster for her if she goes forward without competent legal counsel. Yes, but she feels trapped and does not want to ask anybody for money. She's thinking of settling with him which I think is insane…just taking the $10k he offered her. He already had her sign a post-nuptial agreement many years ago that anything in his name is his…even stuff after the marriage…so he has all the retirement and savings account. I think at this point, she feels getting away is more important than money. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 Yes, but she feels trapped and does not want to ask anybody for money. She's thinking of settling with him which I think is insane…just taking the $10k he offered her. He already had her sign a post-nuptial agreement many years ago that anything in his name is his…even stuff after the marriage…so he has all the retirement and savings account. I think at this point, she feels getting away is more important than money. With a good lawyer, some of the post nup stuff might not hold up. 15 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 I had to plunk down a credit card for a $2500 retainer for my divorce attorney in 1997. The cost exceeded that, and I was sent monthly bills after that point. Every time my ex called my attorney and spoke with his assistant, it cost me. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halftime Hope Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 Umsami, I have a friend who left a marriage that was a disaster. She totally got screwed by her lawyer. Please tell your friend to do whatever she has to do (credit card or otherwise) to get herself a good lawyer. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cammie Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 Most but not all will require a deposit. Ask her to try contacting her state bar association - they may have a low cost referral program. Obviously the lower the hourly rate the lower the retainer will probably be. Also, she can probably get in for an initial consult for a minimal amount. She can find out if the attorney thinks there is a chance of breaking the pre nup. Divorces are expensive and divorce attorneys don't want to be stuck chasing the client for payment. Also most states don't allow divorce attorneys to work on contingency (they can't charge 30% of the final award) unlike general civil litigators. Hope she finds someone to help her! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 That's normal. She can put it on a credit card and then do a balance transfer to a 0% card. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 Yes, but she feels trapped and does not want to ask anybody for money. She's thinking of settling with him which I think is insane…just taking the $10k he offered her. He already had her sign a post-nuptial agreement many years ago that anything in his name is his…even stuff after the marriage…so he has all the retirement and savings account. I think at this point, she feels getting away is more important than money. No! No! NO! Do not let her do that! I mean... obviously you don't control her, but please make an attempt to dissuade her from settling for that. The post-nup that you say she signed may be entirely discarded depending on her state and other circumstances. It sounds like he is bullying her which is weakening her resolve. She is in a very vulnerable position right now and he knows it and is exploiting that. She NEEDS a lawyer. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
umsami Posted September 24, 2014 Author Share Posted September 24, 2014 I know. I'm really trying to encourage her not to settle, no matter what. I suggested she contact some churches in the area and see if there are any retired family law/divorce lawyers who might be able to help her. I also emailed some Alumni associations of local law schools looking for help. I told her, at minimum, you represent yourself before you give in. Find a paralegal. Find somebody. She told me the house is paid off in full. No way do you walk away from an expensive house for 5 or 10k after close to 30 years of marriage. I'm so upset about this that I"m thinking about attending law and doing all pro-bono low-cost divorce work for women in similar situations. Argh! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 nm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 A retainer is typical for lawyers for lots of things, not just divorce. But it is typical and it is difficult. But if a post-nup is at stake she NEEDS an experienced lawyer. There is a good chance he already has a very good one. It won't help with the retainer issue, but she can call her local domestic violence agency type place and get some names of good lawyers that they typically work with. When I worked at one we had a list of about 25 lawyers we trusted, who came to us asking for referrals etc. They still had retainers but they were good people to work with. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cammie Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 I just absorbed the 30 years of marriage...that changes everything! She may be entitled to half of the pensions/retirement/savings/etc. Plus half of all the assets. Plus spousal support. She needs to get an initial consult with an attorney in her state ASAP. She can explain she just wants one hour to understand her rights and whether or not she should fight for more. 16 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 Cammie is giving good advice! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cammie Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 Cammie is giving good advice! Cammie practiced divorce law for a number of years before coming to her senses!! Seriously, there are more ways to break a pre-nup/post-nup than I can write about here. That is what the lawyer is for. The friend needs to do a serious inventory of their assets and liabilities (I know that might not be easy with a controlling spouse.) One of the things that happens in a divorce is the spouses have to share financial information so everyone is working with the same numbers. If he has all the income/assets/money he may even be required to pay her legal fees! She just needs to get a start with someone who can provide a road map for her. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 Listen to Cammie. She has rights. That idiotic pre-nup isn't worth the paper it's written on. After thirty years together, she definitely has rights. Do whatever it takes to get a lawyer. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 I agree she needs an attorney and needs to go to a consult with all the financial documents she can, including any pre/post-nup. Most attorneys I know do require a retainer. When an attorney works on the promise of future payment, the client has a debt to him (or her). Debt complicates relationships. We all know that. I used to tell potential clients that they may hate owing a friend, parent, or bank money, but that those options are better than owing your attorney money. You do not want your relationship with your advocate to be burdened by that. There are legal aid services, but in general, they don't take marital property division cases on a pro bono basis. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 Yes, but she feels trapped and does not want to ask anybody for money. She's thinking of settling with him which I think is insane…just taking the $10k he offered her. He already had her sign a post-nuptial agreement many years ago that anything in his name is his…even stuff after the marriage…so he has all the retirement and savings account. I think at this point, she feels getting away is more important than money. Can you talk her out of just running? She is acting from a position of desperation or relief - or both. A friend of ours did this and ended up filing for bankruptcy because she took on a lot of the joint debt just to settle and be rid of him. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 Yes, but she feels trapped and does not want to ask anybody for money. She's thinking of settling with him which I think is insane…just taking the $10k he offered her. He already had her sign a post-nuptial agreement many years ago that anything in his name is his…even stuff after the marriage…so he has all the retirement and savings account. I think at this point, she feels getting away is more important than money. Given the context you've shared, it is possible he is controlling to the point of abusive. If so, she's likely to have a raging case of PTSD having spent the last 30 "eggshell living" and having the life-force sucked out of her. She's tired in a way that can't be described. And, unless she's gotten good and specific therapy, she probably doesn't know it. I know I didn't. I wanted (and needed) OUT so bad from my first marriage that I did not pursue discovery, alimony, retirement. I got OUT. And got screwed. It's ok now, but I had the time and resources to regroup, re-define, re-build and even THAT took nearly 10 years. She needs support, help, love, guidance, and understanding. She needs professionals: attorney, therapist, massage, clergy, doctor 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 She needs to take all the energy she's using looking for a free lawyer and put it into scraping together a retainer. Her husband KNOWS she is entitled to more and is trying to trick her. She needs to swallow her pride and hit up everyone she knows for a loan. People will KNOW what happened when her standard of living nosedives and by then it will be too late for help. HE will hire a competent lawyer and she NEEDS the same. Can you convince her to gather her strength for one last push? 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 lawyers are first and foremost - businesspeople. they want to make sure they get paid. I don't know any divorce lawyers - but my twice divorced brother has dealt with a few. and they wanted money to take the case. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 She needs a lawyer. If she has to use a credit card or get a loan for the retainer she absolutely must have a lawyer. There is much more than $5000 at stake. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erin Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 Cammie practiced divorce law for a number of years before coming to her senses!! My dad is a small-town attorney, which means he's done a little bit of everything. But in a small town, not only do you have the typical headaches of a divorce, you also get pissed off husbands who stalk your kids, or you know both parties, or their kids are your kids' friends… He hated doing divorces. I vividly remember the year Dad finally decided he was doing well enough he no longer had to do divorces. He never did another. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erin Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 She needs to take all the energy she's using looking for a free lawyer and put it into scraping together a retainer. Her husband KNOWS she is entitled to more and is trying to trick her. She needs to swallow her pride and hit up everyone she knows for a loan. People will KNOW what happened when her standard of living nosedives and by then it will be too late for help. HE will hire a competent lawyer and she NEEDS the same. Can you convince her to gather her strength for one last push? I agree!! A friend of mine went the "free" route, divorced her ex. (who happens to be one of the premiere Angus bull-producers in the country) and she ended up with nothing more than $300 mo. for child support for their two kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
umsami Posted February 6, 2016 Author Share Posted February 6, 2016 Just thought I'd update this thread. She did not find money, and ended up settling with him for $15k. He got the house, everything. (insert appropriate jerk type names) BUT, it's been about a year (I think) and she's so much happier. She found a job, found an apartment, and looks ten years younger. Even though she knows she got screwed, getting away from him and keeping a good relationship with her adult children was more important. Nobody wanted to piss off the husband because he's such an abusive jerk. It annoys me that she didn't get more, but she does seem happy, for what it's worth. She would not accept money from me when I offered to loan her what I could. 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
athomeontheprairie Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 That's crappy. And at the same time, I'm so glad for her. Thanks for the update on your friend. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 Please remind her that regardless of the divorce and the lowball settlement, she is entitled to claim SS benefits from his work file when she reaches retirement age if 1/2 of his benefit amount exceeds her benefit amount and she is not married to someone else. If she stayed home for 30 years and has minimal work history and no advanced education, it is quite likely that she will come out ahead filing on his benefits. There's nothing he can do to prevent her from doing that. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 Oh, another thought is that she may be eligible for displaced homemaker benefits through the state to help her secure higher paying employment. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valley Girl Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 (edited) Just thought I'd update this thread. She did not find money, and ended up settling with him for $15k. He got the house, everything. (insert appropriate jerk type names) BUT, it's been about a year (I think) and she's so much happier. She found a job, found an apartment, and looks ten years younger. Even though she knows she got screwed, getting away from him and keeping a good relationship with her adult children was more important. Nobody wanted to piss off the husband because he's such an abusive jerk. It annoys me that she didn't get more, but she does seem happy, for what it's worth. She would not accept money from me when I offered to loan her what I could. Thank you for the update. I'm glad your friend is in a good place now. Bless you for offering to help her. You're a good friend. Edited February 6, 2016 by Reluctant Homeschooler 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
umsami Posted February 6, 2016 Author Share Posted February 6, 2016 Please remind her that regardless of the divorce and the lowball settlement, she is entitled to claim SS benefits from his work file when she reaches retirement age if 1/2 of his benefit amount exceeds her benefit amount and she is not married to someone else. If she stayed home for 30 years and has minimal work history and no advanced education, it is quite likely that she will come out ahead filing on his benefits. There's nothing he can do to prevent her from doing that. Oh thanks. I just sent her an email about this and she didn't know it. Wonderful tip! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.