Garga Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 So I've been thinking about first impressions a lot lately. I realized that of all the people for whom I can remember the first time we met, my first impression of them that I make within the first couple of seconds of meeting them seems to have been accurate. (Actually, I've been reading that you make your first impression of someone in under a second. It's like you just look at them and immediately *know* who they are.) Before I continue, let me define some terms: friend: someone that stands by you through thick and thin. If you're apart for years, you can call each other and pick up a conversation as if you just spoke yesterday. You have a good connection, a good bond. friend-aquaintance: someone who is a bit below being a friend. They are there for you for a time, but if you're apart for years, you would not be able to sustain a conversation for very long. aquaintance: someone you never invite to your home but maybe work with her or chat with her at church or at soccer practice. I'm going to be talking about friend-aquaintances only: I'm 41 now and over the years have had many friend-aquaintances. For a few of them I received an initial bad first impression within the first fews seconds of meeting them. "Controlling." "Not very nice." "Not dependable." However, as I got to know them more, I went ahead with the friend-acquaintanceship because there was more to the person than just those first impressions. Maybe she was a great story teller, maybe he has an awesome sense of humor, maybe we both love the same kinds of movies, etc. And over the years, I've discovered that after about 2 years, that person really starts to aggravate me for exactly the reasons I first had reservations about them. If I first thought, "not dependable" when I met her, her showing up late all the time starts to annoy the heck out of me. If I first thought he was "not very nice" I start getting more and more upset when he is being mean to the waitress. I was considering not pursuing friendship-aquaintances with people who give me a bad impression within the first few seconds I meet them. They can stay in the acquaintance category. Then I won't have that aggravation 2 years later when the nature I first saw in them finally aggravates me so much that I have to back off from the friendship. The thing is: was the first impression true? Or, is it that when I see an action on their part that supports my first impression I apply more weight to that while ignoring other traits about them, until I only remember the times they fulfilled my first impression? I'm fascinated with this subject now and looking for a way to avoid getting entangled in friendship-acquaintances that are doomed. It hurts when a friendship-aquaintanceship has to be ended and you think to yourself, "I knew within the first 5 seconds of meeting her that we weren't a good match. Why didn't I listen to my instincts?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MysteryJen Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 Interesting. And the more I think about it, I agree. I have overlooked a poor first impression because I wanted friends. It did not turn out well. But, as I am getting older, more and more people fall into the friend-acquaintance category. I do believe in first impressions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 I was reflecting on this a few years ago, and it sort of surprised me that the truest friends I have had over the years were NOT the ones I liked best from the get-go. I'm not sure if it was "first impression" but it was close-to-first-impression that made me doubt the future of a friendship there. But the truest friends I have are the ones that have been forged, not the ones that were easiest to initiate. My first impressions of them were not necessarily incorrect; the thing that was incorrect was the value I placed on the impression. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wintermom Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 I think it depends on what your first impression was based on. If you look at superficial details, then it's probably going to be a pretty superficial impression. How can one tell in a matter of minutes the values and and integrity of a person? Does hair colour, voice tone, neatness of clothes do this? You may get lucky and have an opportunity to catch someone doing something that really shows substance (or lack of) quickly after meeting them, but I don't think we always get this chance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 Most of mine are. Especially re friendships. I met my best friend in a car park. Lol. She was getting her baby out of the car and I thought "We are going to be friends." And we are :) seriously!? Wow. that is amazing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 I tend to agree with the first-impressions idea, but then there are those with social issues that never make a good first impression -- but they may be wonderful people once you give them a chance. So, I wouldn't want to live by that. Besides, if we're always waiting for the perfect fit, we may never find a friend. I think it's great, Garga, that you went ahead and became friend/acquaintances with those people. Even if at the end it didn't turn out to be a life-long friendship, at least you tried. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted September 22, 2014 Author Share Posted September 22, 2014 I know! She had a baby the same age as mine, and she was on her way to the same parenting support class I was, but I didn't know that when I saw her in the car park. It was friendship at first sight, lol. This is what I'm talking about! I've had the same thing happen 3 times in my life. I instantly and completely *knew* we'd be perfect for each other based on mere seconds of seeing the person, twice without even speaking to him or her. I've been friends with one of those for 27 years, one for 11 years, and I married one of them. I knew instantly. And it's gone the other way as well. I've met people and instantly known that we are not compatible. They're not necessarily "bad", but we just don't connect. The first time it happened I was 6. But I've pursued the friendships over the years anyway, only to find out I was right all along. It's only now, after all these years and all these friendship that I'm thinking I should go with my gut and trust my first impressions. I might be perfectly fine being an acquaintance with them and they may have wonderful qualities, but trying to form a deeper friendship isn't something I want to do anymore. I'd rather take the time to pursue the ones where there is an instant bond or the people who fall in the middle, but it's time to let the "oh dear, I don't like this person" impressions to stand and trust them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted September 22, 2014 Author Share Posted September 22, 2014 Yes. I have the 'not compatible' thing straight away too. On occasion, my first impressions have been revised, but 90% of the time they've been accurate. I think it's something to do with being able to read cues about compatibility with that person very rapidly. And it isn't, as some might think, about being superficial or excluding those who come across differently. It's - idk - different to that. Right--it's not superficial, like clothing or hairstyles. It goes deeper. I haven't tried to figure out what it is, but it is really accurate. A couple of weeks ago I met a man who looked "tough." And yet my first impression, before he spoke a single word was, "He looks tough, but he's actually sensitive on the inside. Careful with this one, there's more than meets the eye." And then, bam, I find out he's an artist who paints pictures of bunnies. I am not kidding. This bald, tough, muscle bound man paints bunny pictures. How could I have possibly known that he was actually a sensitive artist-type just by looking at him? How??? I have no idea. ETA: I don't believe I'm special in this area. From the teeny bit I've been reading, many of us are startlingly good at this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wintermom Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 I think it's something to do with being able to read cues about compatibility with that person very rapidly. And it isn't, as some might think, about being superficial or excluding those who come across differently. It's - idk - different to that. Well, a sales strategy is to be "attractive" to a complete stranger by mirroring them to be like them. We are naturally attracted to people like ourselves. As much as we think we're great at "reading" people quickly, we can certainly be fooled. It takes time to really get to know people; and not just time but opportunities to see how people act and react in all kinds of situations. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stripe Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 I have been put off by people. When a man comes across as sleazy or creepy, I tend to go with my gut. I have been proven right many many times. Other than that, I try to be cautiously optimistic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ausmumof3 Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 I think first impressions are often right though it's possible to be caught out by someone really good at mirroring. It's also possible that people have learned some awkward ways as coping strategies to difficult life events that make a bad impression even though they are lovely people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Critterfixer Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 I don't think my ability to form an accurate first impression is anything short of complete failure. I don't rely on it at all. I can't read expressions well for one thing. I am not able to pick up subtle hints or anything short of being hit over the head with an open request when it comes to friendships. Probably why I don't make friends easily, and find it difficult and tiring to keep a friendship going. But no, I wouldn't trust my gut. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 if the impression is coming from the mom-gut, then I believe it is true. we do get Impressions from our mom gut (at least I know I have.). I have never been sorry for listening to it. (I have been sorry for going against it.) I have two experiences- the very first impression I had of a guy - he was speaking at a gathering, I had NO idea who he was. I felt like a literal bucket of slime had been dumped on me as soon as he opened his mouth. he was wearing a nice (re: $$$$) suit, and well-groomed, articulate. I learned later he was a very underhanded uber slimy tactics person. (the kind of person who is the reason lawyers have the reputation they do. oh - I have a number of friends who are lawyers, and I respect them. so it was NOT because he was a lawyer and I think all lawyers are scum.) another one: I was conversing with someone who was a *very* casual acquaintance. I knew his wife "slightly" more. we were discussing a very mundane and trivial subject. sheep of all things. I had an overwhelming certainty he was trying to con me. I thought ' "that's weird" (after all - who cons about sheep?) and let it go. a couple months later, I was still surprised to learn he was in jail - arrested for fraud. (he later spent several years in prison) I have had the opposite - where you just feel an instant connection to someone. actually, I did with dh. we just really hit it off talking and I felt we were going to get married before we had even gone on a date! (there are many reasons why that was an illogical thought. I did try to convince myself I was imagining things.) we've been married for 32 years. oh - and we were engaged roughly a month later - after dating for less than three weeks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 salesmen hate me . . . . . they canNOT impress me. poor dears. (and yes, I've watched them get more and more frustrated when their tactics have no effect.) Well, a sales strategy is to be "attractive" to a complete stranger by mirroring them to be like them. We are naturally attracted to people like ourselves. As much as we think we're great at "reading" people quickly, we can certainly be fooled. It takes time to really get to know people; and not just time but opportunities to see how people act and react in all kinds of situations. eta: what I was referring to in a previous post isn't the first impression of how someone is dressed, or presents themselves, etc. it's deeper, on a more "cosmic" level. it's a 'gut-instinct'. it has nothing to do with the superficialities. of dress, grooming, speech, etc. there are many times I have "normal" first impressions - that have nothing to do with mom-gut. (after all, if the person is harmless, I certainly don't need to be warned away.) those can be more superficial and I will hold off final decisions until I've had more time to information gather. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gaillardia Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 I have been put off by people. When a man comes across as sleazy or creepy, I tend to go with my gut. I have been proven right many many times. Other than that, I try to be cautiously optimistic. This is true for me as well. I met a couple once, "friends" with my parents, and instant creep-o-meter went off and I felt so alarmed. I mean if I had hair on the back of my neck perhaps it was standing up. Oh this man was ....eh. Afterwards I said something to my mom about the guy, that he was really weird, I didn't like him, etc. She said he was fine. I don't want to give details, but he was arrested and now has no family around him. Underhanded, I can't even think of a word horrible enough to cover what he was/is, but I'm sure there are worse. Back to the other kind of first impressions...I have been incorrect on my first impressions a few times so I generally try to accept people as they are unless, like I mentioned above, my creep-o-meter is going off. I do make quick friends with people, but they're not tight friends. Yeah, I guess most of my "friends" are really just friendly acquaintances. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 There was an interesting show on Word of Mouth about Bad Impressions, with a short piece on the Science Behind Bad Impressions that had some interesting information and statistics about first impressions as a general topic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abacus2 Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 I think some people are significantly better at reading others. My DH has a substantial history of reliable impressions. I absolutely trust him if he says someone is bad news. I definitely listen to my gut feelings, although I am not sure how accurate they are. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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