If you suspect someone has an eating disorder. . .

[plansrme]

If a long-time close friend of your daughter suspects that your daughter has or is developing an eating disorder, would you want the mom of the friend to speak to you about it?  If so, how would you want that conversation to go?  I have already considered the need to speak of the behaviors, not to offer a diagnosis, i.e., "The girls have noticed X, Y and Z," not, "The girls think X has bulimia."

 

Assume you (the parent of the girl with concerning behaviors) are a rational individual and an awesome parent.

 

This seems like an easy question to me (of course I would want to know), but I am wondering if that is how most parents would feel.

[fdrinca]

I would want to know.

 

I understand why others wouldn't want to have this conversation. I think every parent would want to know, but many wouldn't want to have to deal with the ramifications. If the ED suspicious to others, it's probably something the parent suspects too. 

[kiana]

They might be mad at the time (a lot of parents get upset when someone else is pointing out something that they feel they should have noticed), but they need to know and they really need to know that others notice it.

 

The earlier these are caught, the less terrible they are to treat -- same with any other mental health issue. 

 

I think your plan of focusing on the behaviors rather than attempting to diagnose is right on the mark. 

[Reefgazer]

I would say something once and not again.  It's really no one's business but the family's, but if I were close friends I would be OK mentioning it once and then dropping it.

[FaithManor]

I think a lot would depend on the symptoms and behaviors being exhibited and in what context  Eating disorders are deadly, nothing to be messed with. On the other hand, we've become a society that jumps to conclusions - say the mom who was turned into CPS for "starving my kid" who happens to eat 3500+ calories of nutrient dense food per day but has a metabolic disorder. I have been accused enough, that I carry a letter with me from his doctor at all times so if ds is ever taken to the emergency room for an injury, I have an explanation.

 

So, I would want to know enough to be reasonably sure something else, health wise, was not going on since the parents may be very aware and dealing with it just keeping it private. This is a rather delicate situation. If one of my children had an eating disorder, for the sake of their mental health privacy, I would not be likely to disclose that to most people.

[Annie G]

Are you sure the mom doesn't know? I've had two girls go through this and I certainly knew but didn't talk to other moms about it. 

 

I have 2 dear friends whose daughters had to enter inpatient treatment programs for extended periods of time- and they knew long before the girls got to a critical stage.  One friend had a concerned mom confront her AFTER the daughter returned from treatment and was clearly making progress. 

 

I guess what I'm saying is that it's quite possible the mom already knows and is either trying to do something about it or trying to figure out WHAT to do.  So yeah, bringing it up gently would be ok, but know that the mom might already know. And that can bring about a whole different reaction than you might be expecting.  Once a friend informed me that dd was an anorexic and when I told her we knew, she launched into a tirade of 'how can you know about it and allow it?'   Didn't even listen to the challenges we faced or the obstacles that were put up.    So if she already knows, she might be relieved to be able to confide in you or she might be defensive. Hard to say. 

[athomeontheprairie]

.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that it's quite possible the mom already knows and is either trying to do something about it or trying to figure out WHAT to do. So yeah, bringing it up gently would be ok, but know that the mom might already know. And that can bring about a whole different reaction than you might be expecting. Once a friend informed me that dd was an anorexic and when I told her we knew, she launched into a tirade of 'how can you know about it and allow it?' Didn't even listen to the challenges we faced or the obstacles that were put up. So if she already knows, she might be relieved to be able to confide in you or she might be defensive. Hard to say.

This.

[plansrme]

Are you sure the mom doesn't know? I've had two girls go through this and I certainly knew but didn't talk to other moms about it. 

 

I have 2 dear friends whose daughters had to enter inpatient treatment programs for extended periods of time- and they knew long before the girls got to a critical stage.  One friend had a concerned mom confront her AFTER the daughter returned from treatment and was clearly making progress. 

 

I guess what I'm saying is that it's quite possible the mom already knows and is either trying to do something about it or trying to figure out WHAT to do.  So yeah, bringing it up gently would be ok, but know that the mom might already know. And that can bring about a whole different reaction than you might be expecting.  Once a friend informed me that dd was an anorexic and when I told her we knew, she launched into a tirade of 'how can you know about it and allow it?'   Didn't even listen to the challenges we faced or the obstacles that were put up.    So if she already knows, she might be relieved to be able to confide in you or she might be defensive. Hard to say. 

 

Well no wonder you were defensive--you were being attacked.  That is certainly now how I would approach it, but I will be extra careful lest it appear that way.

 

We have considered that the parents may already know, but (1) my daughter and the other mutual friend do not think so, and I don't really want to say why; (2) if there is a problem, it is certainly not to the "any fool can see this" level; it is more a cluster of worrisome behaviors they have noticed over the last six months or so; and (3) these two friends do not actually know each other that well; they see the girl in question in different contexts, but it turns out that they each see different "symptoms," for lack of a better word, and they are things that would not necessarily show up at home.  In other words, both of the friends think they may be seeing things the parents would not see. 

 

If Mom says, "Yeah, I know," is it okay to say, "Great.  I figured you were on top of things.  Is there anything Suzie and Lucy can do to be supportive?  Suzie is a little worried about her."

 

And if Mom says, "No, she's fine," I would say, I guess, pretty much the same thing:  "Great.  I know you're on top of things.  Do you  mind if I let Suzie know she is fine?  She's been worried."

 

Thanks to everyone for the responses.  They have all been helpful.

[Lawana]

BTDT with another very serious issue. The other mother was in complete denial at first--thinking it was really my dd's issue (it was, but they both had it). It took several conversations to get her to even allow that there might be a problem. I was pretty straight forward, approaching it from the standpoint of dd was very concerned. This mother is having a very rough time of it. Single mom of an only child, she seemed very invested in everything being ok.

[clarkacademy]

I would want to know but I have mixed feelings I have been told mine MUST have eating issues she is so skinny blah blah blah That girl can put grown men to shame it just burns right off

[Chrysalis Academy]

We've been in a similar situation - a friend of my dd's told her that she was bulimic.  My dd was really worried and came to me with it, and we talked over what we should do.  My dd was worried that if I talked to the mom, her friend would find out and feel angry and betrayed.  We talked that one through and came to the conclusion that she'd feel worse if we didn't say anything and her friend got really sick.  I ended up talking to the mom, and her response was "She is not bulimic, why would she say that?"  I didn't argue.  I don't know one way or the other, all I know is what this girl told my dd.  I figured that her mom - a smart, concerned woman - while she was initally incredulous, would certainly become more vigilant and aware after I had mentioned it than she was before.  After this, though, I just have to let it go.  The parents are aware, it's their deal to handle. 

 

Bottom line, I had to ask myself - if it was my kid, would I want someone to tell me?  And yeah, I would.  So I did.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Sure, share the behaviors/symptoms you notice.  But . . . you are not entitled to know how it turns out.  They may know of another reason for the behaviors/symptoms but not share it with you for whatever reason.  They may pursue it but not share that process with you.  Or they might not pursue it at all and not tell you.  Or they might confide all with you.  But they need the freedom to do whatever they want with your observations.  

[SKL]

Might bring it up as a question about whether the girl has food sensitivities so you can plan to accommodate them.

[Jean in Newcastle]

BTW - I'm going through something like this right now with a niece.  She does not have an eating disorder although her eating is disordered.  She is being treated by a doctor. Friends will notice symptoms but will not know the entire story.  Though obviously there are people out there with true eating disorders, you do not know what is going on from a few observations.

[Unicorn.]

I think you should tell her.  I would say something like "My dds are concerned about Sally.  They have noticed that she does xyz, and are concerned that she might be bulimic."  Or something along those lines.  If the mom gets mad, she gets mad. I don't think it's wrong to say something if you're concerned.

[J-rap]

An eating disorder is a scary thing.  If you or your daughter really suspect this, I would talk to the friend's mother, especially since the girl and your daughter are such close friends.  I wouldn't expect her to keep you informed or give you details.  You might even be wrong.  But it's not something to mess with if it's happening.  The mother might get mad in the moment but that's the way it goes. 

 

Once, I suspected that a casual friend of my girls had an eating disorder.  I didn't feel comfortable talking to her mother (barely knew her) so I called the high school nurse.  The nurse handled it.  (And the girl did end up having an eating disorder.)

 

I would absolutely want someone to tell me if they thought one of my girls had an eating disorder.

 

 

[retiredHSmom]

Yes, talk to the mom. My daughter has an eating disorder. Her friends at college knew during her sophomore year. No one told us until the end if her junior year. I wish all the time that they had been brave enough to tell us earlier.