Can a marriage truly survive an affair?

[StaceyinLA]

I know you know this, Stacey, but I wanted to post.

 

If addiction is involved, that **has** to be treated separately and in a specialty setting in order to have the possibility of lasting, healthy, change. Churches can provide support, encouragement, and supplemental intervention, but not treatment for addiction.

 

Yes, thanks. I don't think I mentioned church counseling. He actually went to an inpatient treatment center, and is doing some specific counseling recommended by the center in addition to joint counseling; none of which is in a church setting.

[Joanne]

Yes, thanks. I don't think I mentioned church counseling. He actually went to an inpatient treatment center, and is doing some specific counseling recommended by the center in addition to joint counseling; none of which is in a church setting.

 

You didn't mention it. I posted because there are many people who think a church response is sufficient.

 

I am so glad he got the needed help!

[Mrs Mungo]

I have known of multiple marriages that have survived and even thrived. But, it took a lot of work to forge new bonds.

[Guest]

I don't understand "sex addiction." Honestly, it makes no sense to me. It just sounds like a lame excuse to me.

[creekland]

Mine would not.  Period.

 

I know some others where it did not.  I know a couple where they are still together, but it's not the same. 

 

I suspect infidelity is fairly common - and probably a major cause of divorce due to the loss of trust as much as anything else.  But in my circle of IRL people I listen to (around lunch tables mostly) it's usually a marriage breaker.

 

And I firmly know with the close relationship hubby and I have - if he ever (or I ever) - it would totally kill the relationship.

[bettyandbob]

I know one that has. From my observation the people who have trouble with the marriage surviving are the people on the outside who have had trouble forgiving the unfaithful spouse even after the other spouse has forgiven and they have worked on the marriage.

 

Perhaps the perception of others can be as big a problem as the problems in the marriage itself.

[trulycrabby]

Yes, but there is never, ever true trust again. The person who has been cheated on knows this, but decides to continue on in the marriage for whatever reason. However, there is always a part of themselves that is held back emotionally.

[G5052]

Among my close friends, one has gone on and is doing fine from what I know.  It was reportedly a one-time fling, and they got counselling.

 

One's husband had an affair each time there was major family stress.  They got counselling and patched it up over twenty years, but after the last time, she filed for divorce.  Frankly he was difficult in other ways.  When she called her oldest tell him that Dad had moved out and that she planned to divorce this time, he said," Finally!" 

[Joanne]

I don't understand "sex addiction." Honestly, it makes no sense to me. It just sounds like a lame excuse to me.

I can explain it if you want to know more. It is real. Do you believe in porn addiction? It is the same thing.

[Caroline]

I wonder if the number of people who stay married after an affair is higher than we imagine. I think staying married to someone after one of you has had an affair is a pretty private matter, one you might not even share with really good friends. I know there are cases where the whole neighborhood knows. But I bet there are more cases where no one knows. I bet there are also cases where the whole neighborhood 'knows' but the whole neighborhood is really mistaken.

[1GirlTwinBoys]

I wonder if the number of people who stay married after an affair is higher than we imagine. I think staying married to someone after one of you has had an affair is a pretty private matter, one you might not even share with really good friends. I know there are cases where the whole neighborhood knows. But I bet there are more cases where no one knows. I bet there are also cases where the whole neighborhood 'knows' but the whole neighborhood is really mistaken

 

 

 

I bet there are also many times the whole neighborhood knows and the spouse doesn't.

[J-rap]

I suppose it's possible, but the relationship would never be the same again.

[indigomama]

The people I have known where there was infidelity, and they stayed together, the same thing had happened in their family of origin.

 

One case, it was a female friend who reconciled with cheating husband, just as her mother had with her cheating father. 

 

The other, the male reunited with the cheating wife just as his father had with his cheating mother. 

 

I wonder if this is just coincidence or if the actions of the parents have some bearing on the relationship.

[Pippen]

I know one couple whose marriage was far better after an affair than before. The husband realized how deeply he had hurt his wife and made MAJOR changes in his life, beginning with a spiritual committment.

 

Not saying I'd recommend this path, but the couple is of retirement age now and has one of the strongest marriages I know.

[SproutMamaK]

I think it can SURVIVE, but very rarely can it thrive. I believe that it's far more common for a couple to not divorce afterwards simply because it's too overwhelming (or scary or financially impossible) to split one household up in to two, for so many different reasons.

[Arcadia]

I wonder if the number of people who stay married after an affair is higher than we imagine. knows.

I have a friend who stayed in the marriage for another year just to get her financial and legal stuff in order before filing.

 

I know colleagues who have flings on business trips and their spouse do that too. Those are open relationships?

 

It is harder when there is a child or a few children with the other party.

[IHaveNoIdeawhatIAmDoing]

If the person who had the affair is genuinely repentant and willing to do what it takes to repair the marriage, then absolutely.

[*Inna*]

I have a personal friend who writes a blog and on there she shared her story of having an affair and staying together. This affair was years ago when her oldest was a baby. www.sarahmarkley.com/marriage/

 

Oh, I used to read her blog all the time! It's a powerful story.

[Peaceful Isle]

This is such a hard question. Adultery is such a painful betrayal . I would definitely forgive. Jesus forgave me much. But staying with the spouse after the fact? Hmmm, I really don't know what I would do, honestly. I'm a pretty loving, forgiving person, but I am not one to be tread on either. Wow, deep thoughts for this morning.

I guess it would depend on if the spouse was truly repentant. It would definitely take time and counseling. I wouldn't just hop in bed and go back to normal for a very very long time.

[ByGrace3]

Yes, "an" affair. More than one, multiple or sexual addiction ? No. I have not seen that.

I couldn't disagree more.

 

"I have seen a couple survive and now thrive after 16 affairs. I saw one marriage survive a 30+ yrs affair. I regularly see people overcome sexuall addiction and go on to thrive in their marriagse. Of the hundreds of marital affair and sexual addiction couples, I have yet to see one that is hopeless. The element of hope is pivotal in couples' success in overcoming these serious issues in marriages."

 

--quote from my husband, an LMHC, who specializes in recovery from sexual addiction and infidelity.

 

God is big. And if He has a place in the marriage, hope is always possible.

[Joanne]

I couldn't disagree more.

 

"I have seen a couple survive and now thrive after 16 affairs. I saw one marriage survive a 30+ yrs affair. I regularly see people overcome sexually addiction and go on to thrive in their marriagse. Of the hundreds of marital affair and sexual addiction couples, I have yet to see one that is hopeless. The element of hope is pivotal in couples' success in overcoming these serious issues in marriages."

 

--quote from my husband, an LMHC, who specializes in recovery from sexual addiction and infidelity.

 

God is big. And if He has a place in the marriage, hope is always possible.

Research does not support your opinion or observed experience; not in terms of repeated affairs or addiction recovery.

[creekland]

This is such a hard question. Adultery is such a painful betrayal . I would definitely forgive. Jesus forgave me much. But staying with the spouse after the fact? Hmmm, I really don't know what I would do, honestly. I'm a pretty loving, forgiving person, but I am not one to be tread on either. Wow, deep thoughts for this morning.

I guess it would depend on if the spouse was truly repentant. It would definitely take time and counseling. I wouldn't just hop in bed and go back to normal for a very very long time.

 

To me, it wouldn't matter how repentant he was.  We've been married for 26+ years now and are closer than we ever were emotionally, physically, and with our everyday lives.  We truly have become one far more than we were the first few years.  We've shared ups and downs.  We share daily routines.  We share dreams of our future and hopes for our (now grown) kids.  We share fears.  We even continue to share an e-mail address and cell phones!  It's difficult to explain, I guess.

 

If doing something like adultery were to ever happen on his end (or mine), that whole thing would be broken - not just one part of it.  It would be beyond repair and I wouldn't even care to try.

 

Forgiveness?  Maybe, but we'd still be parting ways.

 

I'm all for "live and let live," so if others want to do things differently or even like having a different view of marriage where playing around is ok for either of them, by all means, feel free.  But it's not us.

 

Those I know who share their struggles often feel betrayed.  I don't blame them at all for not wanting to continue with someone they can't trust.  And the one who betrayed the trust usually is only sorry once they see what they gave up (kids, home, etc) - if at all.  Some of them just weren't meant for (traditional) marriage IMO.

 

[ByGrace3]

Research does not support your opinion or observed experience; not in terms of repeated affairs or addiction recovery.

Sometimes, relationships are beyond research and statistics, in fact, many statistics (such as the current divorce rate) are now being proven false and misconstrued. Statistics in not a hard science.

 

God is in the reconciliation business. Without Him? Yes, hopeless. With Him? Hope abounds. God works beyond the confines of statistics.

 

Our "opinion" is experientially based. My husband has worked with MANY couples in this area--his success rate with couples is way too high to be a fluke. He also claims he does not have the same success with nonChristians. You can't so easily forgive, until you realize what you have been forgiven.

 

I wrote I disagreed because you said, "no" to the question "Can a marriage truly survive (multiple) affairs or sexual addiction. Your experience is not all conclusive. Our experience shows you are wrong, I say this for one reason-- to show there IS hope both to the OP and anyone else reading this thread.

[Mom-ninja.]

Short answer yes. Of course everyone is different.

[FaithManor]

To me, it wouldn't matter how repentant he was.  We've been married for 26+ years now and are closer than we ever were emotionally, physically, and with our everyday lives.  We truly have become one far more than we were the first few years.  We've shared ups and downs.  We share daily routines.  We share dreams of our future and hopes for our (now grown) kids.  We share fears.  We even continue to share an e-mail address and cell phones!  It's difficult to explain, I guess.

 

If doing something like adultery were to ever happen on his end (or mine), that whole thing would be broken - not just one part of it.  It would be beyond repair and I wouldn't even care to try.

 

Forgiveness?  Maybe, but we'd still be parting ways.

 

I'm all for "live and let live," so if others want to do things differently or even like having a different view of marriage where playing around is ok for either of them, by all means, feel free.  But it's not us.

 

Those I know who share their struggles often feel betrayed.  I don't blame them at all for not wanting to continue with someone they can't trust.  And the one who betrayed the trust usually is only sorry once they see what they gave up (kids, home, etc) - if at all.  Some of them just weren't meant for (traditional) marriage IMO.

 

This is exactly how I feel, exactly how DH and are. Forgive I can do, trust never again. My heart would be to far broken for us to continue to live together in the same house trying to put things back together. I don't think I'd want that either. The loss of something so profound, so great would not be worth settling for the shell of what might be left with extraordinary hard work and immense emotional pain. Someday there will be grandchildren and frankly, I'd want to be a whole person, a healthy person, and someone not constantly looking over my shoulder concerning grandpa. I think under the circumstances of adultery, we would be better as single parents of our adult children, and better grandparents without the stress of trying to find a way to be together without pain.

 

But, I watched my own brother, three times over, try to reconcile with his wife. The pain was excruciating and in the end, she still would not remain faithful or keep up her end of the agreements, the counseling, the parenting, etc. I've witnessed my sister having to go through the aids and VD testing, waiting for the six weeks test, the six months test, the one year test, the two year test, and finally receiving a clean bill of health. (Her ex husband did not turn out quite so "lucky" in this regard.) Thank goodness they did not have children.

 

 

 

 

[Joanne]

Sometimes, relationships are beyond research and statistics, in fact, many statistics (such as the current divorce rate) are now being proven false and misconstrued. Statistics in not a hard science.

 

God is in the reconciliation business. Without Him? Yes, hopeless. With Him? Hope abounds. God works beyond the confines of statistics.

 

Our "opinion" is experientially based. My husband has worked with MANY couples in this area--his success rate with couples is way too high to be a fluke. He also claims he does not have the same success with nonChristians. You can't so easily forgive, until you realize what you have been forgiven.

 

I wrote I disagreed because you said, "no" to the question "Can a marriage truly survive (multiple) affairs or sexual addiction. Your experience is not all conclusive. Our experience shows you are wrong, I say this for one reason-- to show there IS hope both to the OP and anyone else reading this thread.

Um, yea. My opinion is informed on many levels as well.

 

And your assertions about forgiveness are flat out wrong. Forgiveness was a spiritual discipline LONG before Christianity.

[MamaBearTeacher]

Aren't infidelity statistics pretty high? Are they higher than divorce statistics? I wonder how they obtain those statistics though. I imagine that some people lie on this issue, even if it's anonymous and even to themselves.

[Liz CA]

Aren't infidelity statistics pretty high? Are they higher than divorce statistics? I wonder how they obtain those statistics though. I imagine that some people lie on this issue, even if it's anonymous and even to themselves.

 

Not to mention differing definitions of infidelity. ("...I didn't have &%$ with that woman.")

Stats are great. They give benchmarks and provide guidance or demarcate upward or downward trends but they cannot capture individual decisions or reflect such concepts as forgiveness, perseverance and grace.

 

As far as the OP's question goes...some marriages do, some don't. It's a highly individual process. Some women who have shared their experiences have said they find it easier to forgive sexual addiction, i.e. p@rn than an affair with one "real" woman. It all depends on the people. I personally think, this cannot be answered in general terms.

[Danestress]

I guess part of it depends on how you define 'truly survive.'

 

My impression is that adultery has been well expected and accepted (for men) in many cultures throughout the ages, and marriages survived legally. Who knows how happy they were.

 

I wonder if it's partly expectation. Women who don't expect fidelity may find it easier to live without it, especially in a culture where she and her children are financially and legally protected. And women often had more leverage then because divorce was harder for one party to demand (though it varied place to place, time by time). People can dissolve marriage now if they decide they want to for whatever reason - including that someone better came along. I think this makes adultery harder to accept because it threatens the innocent spouse with constant fear of being left.

 

I know some marriages survive. But I think it is hard to know what really happens in a marriage. I have no idea who, in my circle of friends, has cheated or been cheated on, even assuming the innocent spouse is aware of the adultery.

[abba12]

Yes, but there is never, ever true trust again. The person who has been cheated on knows this, but decides to continue on in the marriage for whatever reason. However, there is always a part of themselves that is held back emotionally.

 

That's an awfully large generalization, and one I'd disagree with

 

I think an affair is just a symptom, whether it's an issue in the marriage OR an issue in the person themselves, the affair is, in some ways, irrelevant. What determines the course of the marriage is if the root issue is addressed. Many times, the cheater themselves is not willing to admit an issue or address it. Sometimes they are, and the spouse who was cheated on is willing to stand with them and help them.

 

Marriages can survive an affair, and be stronger for it, with just as much trust as before given enough time and progress. But it takes TWO people completely ready to work for it. Usually there is only one.

[CaffeineDiary]

I can't say that I know for certain more than one marriage that did, however, I'm not sure if I know of more than one marriage where it was an issue.

 

 

You may not know about those marriages, but you almost certainly know people in those marriages.

 

"The various researchers arrive at a general consensus…suggesting that above one-quarter to about one-half of married women have at least one lover after they are married in any given marriage. Married men probably still stray more often than married women—perhaps from 50 percent to 65 percent by the age of forty."

 

(Source: Some Web Site On The Internet, but this agrees with other articles I've read over the years.)

[VeritasMama]

I would venture to guess the vast majority of people who've been betrayed by their partner once said they couldn't imagine their spouse cheating, either...

It's more like I can't imagine him actually being able to woo another woman, we were friends for a long time and so we didn't really "date." He is also oblivious to other women who flirt with him. When we were young and out with friends he would be hit on from time to time as I watched from across the room, and he had no idea what was going. I would just laugh.

[Scarlett]

An affair is a very broad term. I personally know couples who have overcome it and gone on to have a very long happy marriage.

 

In my situation I was able to forgive a one night stand that was confessed to me. Really it was fairly easy for me to get past that...and I think a lot of the reason why was the confession ( I would have never known) and what felt like was his genuine remorse. However, when I uncovered an on going affair with a work mate...and later discovered another affair he had lied about for 7 years....nope...that was my limit.

 

I have given this subject a lot of thought and so much of it is in how it is uncovered, how long it has been going on and how quickly the offender can take full responsibility for their betrayal. I don't think divorce is always the answer...so much depends.

 

In my current marriage....with what both of us have lived through....at my age....no just not gonna tolerate it for one instant.

[CaffeineDiary]

All of you people saying "Oh, well my marriage would never survive an affair" might very well be right, but I will just mention that many of the people I know who have kids were, once upon a time, people who said "Kids? Oh please, I could never, ugh."

 

 

:-)

 

[Scarlett]

You may not know about those marriages, but you almost certainly know people in those marriages.

 

"The various researchers arrive at a general consensus…suggesting that above one-quarter to about one-half of married women have at least one lover after they are married in any given marriage. Married men probably still stray more often than married women—perhaps from 50 percent to 65 percent by the age of forty."

 

(Source: Some Web Site On The Internet, but this agrees with other articles I've read over the years.)

The trouble is not in your dh going after another woman...the trouble is there are a great number of women out there who love the challenge of seducing a clueless married man.

[CaffeineDiary]

(Sorry for the multiple serial replies, I'm just catching up!)

 

I don't understand "sex addiction." Honestly, it makes no sense to me. It just sounds like a lame excuse to me.

 

This is one that bugs me too.  I have no doubt that there are some people in the world who might meet the clinical definitions here, but my personal prejudice is that it's a Very Convenient Excuse that people latch on to.  It's convenient for the party who was busted, and for the spouse who did the busting, and it allows them to pretend to be Taking Serious Action while ignoring the real underlying issues of emotional and sexual compatibility.  Frequently, I've seen discussion on message boards by women who use behaviors as innocuous as "my husband masturbates!"¹ as damning evidence of their husband's sex addiction.  These people are never going to solve their problems, because they are completely misidentifying them.

 

1: Dear women, everywhere: your husband masturbates.  Yes.  He does.  Stop arguing.

[Erin]

It's more like I can't imagine him actually being able to woo another woman, we were friends for a long time and so we didn't really "date." He is also oblivious to other women who flirt with him. When we were young and out with friends he would be hit on from time to time as I watched from across the room, and he had no idea what was going. I would just laugh.

Yep. From what I have observed, that's all most affairs ever were; "just friends" that grew into more...

[Catwoman]

I don't understand "sex addiction." Honestly, it makes no sense to me. It just sounds like a lame excuse to me.

It wouldn't even matter to me whether or not it was "real." I would already be out the door. Let his new girlfriend help him deal with his "sexual addiction."

 

  

All of you people saying "Oh, well my marriage would never survive an affair" might very well be right, but I will just mention that many of the people I know who have kids were, once upon a time, people who said "Kids? Oh please, I could never, ugh."

 

 

:-)

I honestly wouldn't want my marriage to survive after an affair. I would have no interest in saving it. I would be done the minute I found out about it. I wouldn't hate the guy forever, but I wouldn't be married to him any more, either. I wouldn't be talking to a priest or going to counseling. I would be on the phone with my attorney.

[Scarlett]

It wouldn't even matter to me whether or not it was "real." I would already be out the door. Let his new girlfriend help him deal with his "sexual addiction."

 

 

I honestly wouldn't want my marriage to survive after an affair. I would have no interest in saving it. I would be done the minute I found out about it. I wouldn't hate the guy forever, but I wouldn't be married to him any more, either. I wouldn't be talking to a priest or going to counseling. I would be on the phone with my attorney.

Sexual addiction would make me less inclined to save it.

 

In some cases I would recommend saving it though. A divided family is terrible. Even when the kids are grown, even when the adults behave.....it is a till hard for kids to go through milestones--graduation, marriage, childbirth etc...with their parents not together.

[FaithManor]

There is a persistent cultural theory that "it takes two" and that something was wrong with the marriage if an affair happens. Sometimes, there was something wrong with the marriage.

Sometimes there was simply something wrong with the person who had the affair.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! It only takes one...a selfish, me first person, to destroy a marriage and selfihness appears without the other party causing it. I have seen this so much.

 

No spouse will be perfect. The "she/he made me do it" affair peole were not good candidates for marriage from the beginning.

[Tammi K]

You may not know about those marriages, but you almost certainly know people in those marriages.

 

"The various researchers arrive at a general consensus…suggesting that above one-quarter to about one-half of married women have at least one lover after they are married in any given marriage. Married men probably still stray more often than married women—perhaps from 50 percent to 65 percent by the age of forty."

 

(Source: Some Web Site On The Internet, but this agrees with other articles I've read over the years.)

 

Oh, absolutely. I'm sure I know several people who've had affairs. Just like I'm sure I know plenty of people who are gay but not open about it. For that matter, I probably know a bunch of people who are Republican who are not open about it. B)    It's just not something I would ever deliberately wonder/ask about.

 

But, I do happen to know of one couple for whom the affair was family knowledge and not denied by the offender. That is the marriage that is still together many years later. :001_smile:    

[VeritasMama]

Yep. From what I have observed, that's all most affairs ever were; "just friends" that grew into more...

Well, our female friends from college are all now hundreds of miles away, and the only female engineer on his floor is a dear friend who is old enough to be our mother. I just don't see it happening.

 

I know that sounds naive, but he really lacks the social skills. I was his first girlfriend and I decided we would go from friends to a couple when we were sophomores in college. He's my best friend and I love him, but he's an awkward nerdy engineer :).

 

I should give him some credit though, part of why I can't see him cheating is because he is a truly good person who tries hard to follow his faith and stick to his morals. He's a better person than I am, for sure. There are good men out there, he's one of the good guys which is why I pounced on him, having grown up with my parents situation right in front of me.

[StartingOver]

My marriage, NO !! But I do know others that have survived and stayed together long term.

[Scarlett]

You know what ? I don't demonise the person who had the affair as 'me first, selfish'. It's not necessary. And it may not even be true. Very ordinary people - like us - have an affair. People can make bad choices and not be a bad person. A lot of the time, a person who has an affair is lacking in the ability to deal with pain/anger/loneliness in a healthy way. OK, so then they have to learn healthy ways. No biggie. We all have our dysfunctions that we have to learn to deal with more productively.

 

I mean, really. I've been the woman cheated on. I'm not talking out of my hat here. It's definitely a painful and life changing situation. At the time, I felt like a twig that had been broken in half and the only thing that sustained me was, ironically, prayer from Christian women.

 

Do I think my ( ex partner, partners, spouse - not giving it all away here :)) is some kind of human in a different category to me ? Nope. No more selfish. No more horrible. No more anything. Just another human, struggling to work life out and making a mistake along the way.

 

There is no need to stereotype anyone....the person who has an affair, the person who is cheated on, the person who stays, the person who leaves...no need at all.

I have absolute total sympathy for a person who has done something so horrific as to break apart a family. Heck I even have such sympathy for my xh! But the fact is IN THAT MOMENT of adultery they were being selfish and not thinking about their spouse or children. Are they beyond redemption? Absolutely not.

[Scarlett]

.

I haven't had an affair but I have done things for which I am deeply regretful, sorry, ashamed....and yes, my reasons were many...some may see it as simplistic and others won't....but really it doesn't matter....it was WRONG just like an affair is wrong....and even though there may be other reasons it remains a deeply selfish choice.

[Guest]

I can explain it if you want to know more. It is real. Do you believe in porn addiction? It is the same thing.

Meh. I'm not really interested in the topic, so it is a waste of your time, unless you want to talk about it for others reading here.

 

I'm with Catwoman - if sexual addiction or porn addiction is his excuse, we're done.

[BugsMama]

Lots of people have chipped in on this one- but I'll add another yes, absolutely.

 

Personally, I've spent some time thinking about this one.... in my circle, affairs sadly seem to happen often. For me, I absolutely think my marriage could survive- depending on the what, when, who, how. A physical fling, one time, with an immediate confession and remorse? No problem. I'd be pissed as heck, and we'd have a lot to work through, but people screw up. LOL (to make light of a terrible situation) my husband is attractive, gone often on travel, and women adore him... It wouldn't be far fetched to think something COULD happen, although I doubt it would because he loves me like crazy, and values his family too much to risk it.

 

Now, if it was something longer term, emotionally driven, secretive AFFAIR?  That would be much, much harder. Something like that comes across as premeditated, its harder to recover from because you're dealing with so much more than a breach of trust- you also have feelings and attachments to contend with.

 

And then there is the added layer of WHO KNOWS. Someone touched on this earlier. Hypothetically, say my husband has a one night stand. It happens in private, while he is out of town. The woman is never seen or heard from again. No one knows. We can work on that issue privately. If it were instead a co-worker we both were friends with, and the whole circle of friends knew, and the community knew, and our families know.... well then it's not just ME who has to forgive him. It's my parents, and my friends, who will hold a grudge much longer than I will. They won't let him forget it, even when I want to move on. They'll keep that wound festering, and it is MUCH harder to recover from. And, if the other woman is someone he continues to interact with, there is the complication of severing THAT tie.

 

I've seen people's marriages recover from the first scenario.....  not from the second. Not to say it couldn't be done, but it would be much, much harder.

 

[Erin]

Now, if it was something longer term, emotionally driven, secretive AFFAIR?  That would be much, much harder. Something like that comes across as premeditated, its harder to recover from because you're dealing with so much more than a breach of trust- you also have feelings and attachments to contend with.

Actually, and this is important, most longer-term affairs DON'T seem to be premeditated.  

They're the classic "I don't know how it happened…" excuse because usually the cheat didn't realize it was happening.  

Most of us forget how relationships begin.  Generally speaking, they were "just friends" who became more intimate and involved.  And pretty soon a serious relationship has developed.  Everyone likes to have this idea that the cheat was out looking, but most of the time that's simply not true!

 

This is why so many therapists and counselors recommend not having close friendships with the opposite sex.  Marriage doesn't suddenly put a force field around the partners.  They have to make a conscious effort to set boundaries of what is and what isn't appropriate.  And those boundaries should be something far more innocent than "I won't have sex with other people."  

It's the sharing and intimacy of a close friendship that creates the affair.  I mean, that's dating, after all.  By the time the cheat can rationalize actual sex, the relationship is usually well-established...  

[Miss Peregrine]

Mine would not. I would not stay with someone who makes a fool out of me.

[BugsMama]

Actually, and this is important, most longer-term affairs DON'T seem to be premeditated.  

They're the classic "I don't know how it happened…" excuse because usually the cheat didn't realize it was happening.  

Most of us forget how relationships begin.  Generally speaking, they were "just friends" who became more intimate and involved.  And pretty soon a serious relationship has developed.  Everyone likes to have this idea that the cheat was out looking, but most of the time that's simply not true!

 

This is why so many therapists and counselors recommend not having close friendships with the opposite sex.  Marriage doesn't suddenly put a force field around the partners.  They have to make a conscious effort to set boundaries of what is and what isn't appropriate.  And those boundaries should be something far more innocent than "I won't have sex with other people."  

It's the sharing and intimacy of a close friendship that creates the affair.  I mean, that's dating, after all.  By the time the cheat can rationalize actual sex, the relationship is usually well-established...  

 

I totally get what you are saying as to how it starts.

 

What I was trying to say (totally recognizing that "pre-meditated" isn't the right word) is that in my mind, a longer term affair comes with SOME thought of "I know what I am doing is wrong and I am doing it anyway".... It crosses the line from "oh my heck, how did this happen" into "I already did it once, and I am going to go back to do it again"

 

I suppose that's the line for me. The going back. The repeated offense. I would feel, if it happened to me, that my partner was choosing, purposefully, to continue an affair- and that would make it harder to recover.... not to mention to attachment to the person the affair was with.

 

Does that make sense?

 

ETA- I like how you pointed out that the emotional connection (the "dating") before the actual sex occurs often sneaks up on people. So true. Opposite sex friends do seem like more of a risk factor than anything else, when taking emotional attachment into consideration.