Scrub Jay Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Just something I am wondering due to something a friend is dealing with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Yes, though results may vary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Yes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammi K Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 I can't say that I know for certain more than one marriage that did, however, I'm not sure if I know of more than one marriage where it was an issue. I guess it isn't something I would wonder about. But, in the case if the one I do know about, they are still married. The affair was early in their marriage and they are still together 15ish years later. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmtzc2009 Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Yes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 I have known three that did. One couple managed to create a decent relationship. The other two "survived" and by that I mean that they decided either for finances or for kids that they would not divorce. The couple was very depressed to continue living with each other and were a shell of a marriage. Later when their kids became adults, they said they would have preferred their parents divorce. Though the parents tried to be cordial, kids pick up on this stuff and it's emotionally draining to them. They sense "faking it" as well. So, very mixed results. One would have to decide what their meaning of "success" would be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Yep. With a lot of communication and forgiveness And if both are not 100% committed to making it survive it won't. Which is a long shot since the person who committed the adultery will need to find a way to emotionally/physically change their feelings pretty quick to give 100% to the old relationship. Not impossible, but takes amazing people to survive. Worth the effort Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maplecat Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Yes. It takes a lot of hard work by both parties. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimm Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 I think it can because people have said that their relationship if stronger than ever after working through the affair and I have no reason to doubt them. I think it must take an amazingly strong person to genuinely forgive. I don't know that I would be capable. I hope I'm never in the position to find out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 It depends on a LOT of factors, as mentioned upthread. If both people still truly care about each other and BOTH are committed to actually saving the marriage, then yes, it can. As others have said, I have seen this work out. But both people still genuinely cared about the other and wanted very badly to make it work. They went to counseling, they took marriage classes, etc. It worked. But I think it would also depend on why the affair happened to begin with. And if people aren't willing to put in the time and commitment and dedication to their marriage that they are putting in to their work/affair/hobbies or whatever pulled them apart in the first place, or if, when they married they were a terrible fit to begin with, then no, probably not, at least not in a healthy way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 yes. Anne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arctic Bunny Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 I have a friend going through this. The DH had an affair, she found out and was decided on divorce. He suggested counselling, and they are both going; separately as well as together. As someone on the outside looking in, I think it's huge that he suggested the counselling, and was willing to go on his own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Yes. I've seen a marriage survive two affairs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 I feel like the answer is like a jump rope rhyme. Yes. No. Maybe so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 A friend's DH has had 2 affairs. She filed for divorce after finding out about the second, but they have reconciled. I was slightly surprised given the details, but then again not given her very low self-esteem. I think her DH is creepy and preys on women with low self esteem. Just that spine chill gut feeling, kwim? We know another couple who is still married after an affair. I'm not sure how much the wife knows, and I'm bound by privilege not to ask or tell her. I don't think she knows the whole story. The other people have gotten divorced. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 You betcha. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ohdanigirl Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Yes. Sometimes leading to a better relationship. Not that it's the way anybody would like to get there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Yes, "an" affair. More than one, multiple or sexual addiction ? No. I have not seen that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
umsami Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 My friend is going through a similar thing. The problem is that her SBX doesn't want to go to counseling or admit the extent of what he did. I think if both partners are willing to do the work, yes. If not, no. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Inna* Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Yes, with a lot of hard work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILiveInFlipFlops Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 I know one marriage that has survived two affairs and one that has survived an emotional affair. Everyone seems to be doing OK, although there is ongoing counseling involved for all parties. If the counseling could have happened before the affairs happened, maybe they could have been avoided, but of course that's 20-20 hindsight. Now, do I think either marriage is a particularly great one? No. I think there's lots of denial and resentment in both cases--not even about the affairs, but more about the bad dynamics that ended up leading to the affairs. But I could say the same about several other marriages I know, and there were no affairs happening there. So in the end, I think it's not the affairs that will make or break the marriages, but how the overall relationships play out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robin M Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Mine wouldn't. I love my husband dearly but this for me is an unforgivable. My hubby's father cheated on his mother multiple times and they stayed together until the the three boys all graduated. It taught them a lot about disrespect and they all had much to learn about marriage and the sanctity of it. It took them a long time to forgive their father. Plus a great deal of counseling. My hubby and I had several discussions before we got married about the subject so we both knew where we stood. The loss of trust and disrespect is just too great. I just couldn't do it. I would never trust him again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 I have heard of it. If my DH were asking, I would say don't count on it. I think I am a splendid wife. If that's not enough for DH? Well, don't let the door hit ya. And I'm keeping the Cadillac. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILiveInFlipFlops Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 I have heard of it. If my DH were asking, I would say don't count on it. I think I am a splendid wife. If that's not enough for DH? Well, don't let the door hit ya. And I'm keeping the Cadillac. :lol: Frankly, I'd like to think I could find the resources within myself to get our marriage through DH having an affair. But the reality is probably more like, "Don't let the door hit ya!" Like someone else said, I hope I never have to find out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Friendships sometimes don't survive affairs. My friend (Bob)* had a friend (Tom)* whose wife had an affair. Tom confided heavily in Bob, and Bob supported Tom through the worst of it. Bob did not bad mouth Tom's wife but he was shocked at the details^ and unashamedly took his friend's side. Then, Tom and his wife got back together. And Tom pulled way back from his friendship with Bob and eventually, the friendship died. There was never a big blow-up or small blow-up, for that matter. Bob felt like he knew too much and that's why Tom dropped him. *not their real names ^example of shocking detail. The wife and the man she had an affair with knew each other socially and professionally. During the affair, Tom came home unexpectedly and the man was leaving his house. Tom jokingly said, "hey! Why are you here? Are you having an affair with my wife?" The man said he was there in a professional capacity and Tom said, "yeah, buddy. I know. I'm joking with you." But the truth was had Tom been a bit earlier, he would have caught them in flagrante delicto. Tom found out the truth when he learned of the affair. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkyandtheBrains. Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Yes. It can survive. Will it? Not likely. Our society advocates divorce if either party has an affair. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caroline Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 I think some marriages can. I don't think it will be the same marriage on the other side of an affair. I don't think my marriage would survive an affair. I just don't think I have that level of forgiveness in me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 I know a couple well who are still married over thirty years after her affair. They divorced, she moved out with their child, and then they sought counseling. They remarried within a year. Their second child, who was born after their remarriage, now has his own kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kroe1 Posted September 20, 2014 Share Posted September 20, 2014 Yes, if: 1. One or both parties cannot afford to leave the marriage either financially or emotionally. 2. If one or both have seriously low self esteem. 3. If there is a bigger fear than staying married, I.e. excommunication by family or church. 4. If enough time passes that some form of healing happens. 5. If the affair ends immediately and the married couple together tackles the affair crisis. 6. If one or both have the mentality that affairs should be a part of the marriage, I.e. open marriages, health issues. 7. If the devotion to the children is high and there is a shared belief to save the marriage for the sake of the children. Will trust ever be reinstated.......never. The lost trust can happen for innumerable reasons, as you all know, not just affairs. For example, addictions, financial mismanagement, etc. after the trust is gone, the marriage, in my opinion, never really recovers fully. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted September 20, 2014 Share Posted September 20, 2014 I think it really depends on the reasons for the infidelity. I have seen the scenario play out different ways for different people. Sometimes, someone is miserable for legitimate reasons. An affair might make the relationship bearable. They have an affair to stay, as odd as that sounds. I know, not exactly a winning strategy, but they generally aren't thinking rationally. I have seen two relationships fall apart and the reason given was infidelity. But I thought the faithful partner was fairly horrible. In both cases it was the man and he took ALL the blame, from the kids from the families etc, but I kept thinking that the women they were married to were unpleasant and I couldn't imagine dealing with them at all. Do I wish both of those men had dealt with the situation honorably? Of course. But I understood why they wanted to get out. Lots of people are just not cut out for monogamy. Some people like the thrill, like the lying. Some people fall in love with someone not their partner Some people realize later in life they are not straight or they get married to try to convince themselves and the world that that they are straight. Some people are just terrible people and put their own short term needs ahead of everyone else I am sure there are many more reasons, but that is off the top of my head. And just as there is no one way to have a happy relationship, there is no one reason for an affair and no one reason for staying together after one. The older I get and the longer I am married the less black and white the whole thing seems to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommymilkies Posted September 20, 2014 Share Posted September 20, 2014 In my experience, no. I have seen one survive, but thrive is another issue. I'm sure it happens, but affairs have been numerous in the lives of my family and friends and despite efforts, I have yet to see one actually survive except the one recent one with a friend. For me? No way. Dh knows I would be 100% unforgiving and he would be out the door so fast he wouldn't know what happened. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HSmomof2 Posted September 20, 2014 Share Posted September 20, 2014 Yes, depending on the circumstances, other problems in the marriage, and if both are willing to work through it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted September 20, 2014 Share Posted September 20, 2014 Mine certainly wouldn't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer132 Posted September 20, 2014 Share Posted September 20, 2014 I have a personal friend who writes a blog and on there she shared her story of having an affair and staying together. This affair was years ago when her oldest was a baby. www.sarahmarkley.com/marriage/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted September 20, 2014 Share Posted September 20, 2014 Yes. I've seen them both survive and thrive, if both spouses are committed to saving the marriage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheres Toto Posted September 20, 2014 Share Posted September 20, 2014 I might be able to forgive a one time occurrence depending on the circumstances, but not an ongoing affair and definitely not more than one. How sorry can the person be if they keep on doing it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StaceyinLA Posted September 20, 2014 Share Posted September 20, 2014 Mine didn't, but it was more than once and I believe dh really had some unresolved addictions. My niece is really trying to work things out with her dh who has had at least 10 affairs, has sexual addiction, and has pretty much had an affair going on their entire marriage. She let him come back after a 3 month split, but is regretting it at the moment. They are in some serious counseling. She loves him, but sometimes that just isn't enough... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VeritasMama Posted September 20, 2014 Share Posted September 20, 2014 My parents marriage didn't survive. He wanted to reconcile, she couldn't forgive. She is still very angry and bitter towards him, it causes issues at family events such as weddings to this day :(. But I think marriages can survive, but you have to rebuild it together from the ground up. I like to think I could forgive something like that once, but I honestly can't imagine my dorky engineer of a husband having an affair. If he ever did cheat I would probably die from shock and it would be a moot point. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erin Posted September 20, 2014 Share Posted September 20, 2014 I would venture to guess the vast majority of people who've been betrayed by their partner once said they couldn't imagine their spouse cheating, either... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted September 20, 2014 Share Posted September 20, 2014 I would venture to guess the vast majority of people who've been betrayed by their partner once said they couldn't imagine their spouse cheating, either... I think that's probably true. I mean, who gets married to someone when she figures he's going to cheat on her, right? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 20, 2014 Share Posted September 20, 2014 I would venture to guess the vast majority of people who've been betrayed by their partner once said they couldn't imagine their spouse cheating, either... I can't imagine it, but I know that life is strange. Things one never imagined can happen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted September 20, 2014 Share Posted September 20, 2014 My paternal nephew and nieces still hates their dad (my cousin) until now. It made my nieces wary of marriage. I think that's probably true. I mean, who gets married to someone when she figures he's going to cheat on her, right? IRL the mistress who married the guy and gets dump down the line for his next mistress. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
solascriptura Posted September 20, 2014 Share Posted September 20, 2014 When I married my DH, I told him that I would never stay if he ever cheated or physically abused me. I could never understand how some people could stay after such a devastating betrayal. Now after being married for all these years, I began to understand why some do. Sometimes leaving seems more devastating. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted September 20, 2014 Share Posted September 20, 2014 My paternal nephew and nieces still hates their dad (my cousin) until now. It made my nieces wary of marriage. IRL the mistress who married the guy and gets dump down the line for his next mistress. Meh, sometimes yes and sometimes no. Sometimes the 'mistress' (I haven't heard that term used since I was a kid, lol) had no intention of marrying the guy. Sometimes she doesn't know he was married. Sometimes, she is a he. Sometimes they live happily ever after. I have seen that happen a whole lot more than a marriage surviving an affair. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted September 20, 2014 Share Posted September 20, 2014 Mine didn't, but it was more than once and I believe dh really had some unresolved addictions. My niece is really trying to work things out with her dh who has had at least 10 affairs, has sexual addiction, and has pretty much had an affair going on their entire marriage. She let him come back after a 3 month split, but is regretting it at the moment. They are in some serious counseling. She loves him, but sometimes that just isn't enough... I know you know this, Stacey, but I wanted to post. If addiction is involved, that **has** to be treated separately and in a specialty setting in order to have the possibility of lasting, healthy, change. Churches can provide support, encouragement, and supplemental intervention, but not treatment for addiction. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocassie Posted September 20, 2014 Share Posted September 20, 2014 Yes, I have seen marriages survive and even thrive, but it was only after a lot of hard work, forgiveness, and humility by the offending spouse to deal with the victim spouse's loss of trust. Both spouses wanted the marriage to survive and were willing to step up to the plate and work through the problems(in many cases - YEARS.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted September 20, 2014 Share Posted September 20, 2014 Sometimes staying and repairing the marriage seems like a wise choice, depending on individual family circumstances. And sometimes infidelity has nothing to do with the other person, Some people, not me btw, have a cast iron sense of self and can see that. They can see it as an issue with the person who was unfaithful and separate it from being a judgement on them as a partner or a person. I think that might be easier, if anything about this can be easy, when it is clearly a sex addiction type issue. Just as some (not all) people can see a partner's alcoholism as being separate from themselves, so can some see their partner's infidelity. Or they get to that place eventually. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erin Posted September 20, 2014 Share Posted September 20, 2014 Sometimes they live happily ever after. I have seen that happen a whole lot more than a marriage surviving an affair. Statistics aren't particularly supportive of a cheat who marries their new flame. Basically all they've done is bailed when their marriage got stale/tough/boring/etc. They've created a serial environment. I can't remember for sure off the top of my head but IIRC it's something like 80% don't make it more than three years... It must be my season of life, or something. I've seen a lot of infidelity in my friends and family in the last seven or eight years or so. I know of two that are better than they were before. (Or so it seems, of course) A couple I'm not sure about... And four that didn't make it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted September 20, 2014 Share Posted September 20, 2014 And sometimes infidelity has nothing to do with the other person, There is a persistent cultural theory that "it takes two" and that something was wrong with the marriage if an affair happens. Sometimes, there was something wrong with the marriage. Sometimes there was simply something wrong with the person who had the affair. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erin Posted September 20, 2014 Share Posted September 20, 2014 Something I've noticed is that it seems like the affair is usually between the cheat and a friend. They start out as perfectly legitimate friends (or coworkers) and then start sharing and becoming close. Pretty soon the new "friend" is looking better than the boring, old spouse. And who doesn't like a new relationship? It's exciting! And fun. And makes us feel good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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