educating while recovering from grief

[EmilyGF]

Our baby died in June and we took the summer off (we had family with us for almost two months).

 

Now that life is "back to normal", I do alright most of the time and then just fall off the deep end for a day or two about once a week. I am irritable, cranky, annoyed, feel hopeless, and cry once the kids are in bed. I look into private schools, realize it isn't an option, and feel like a complete failure.

 

During the day, taking cues from me, the kids bicker and fight. And, who can blame them?

 

Can you throw me a lifeline for days like today? School on auto pilot? I have no idea... My husband is traveling right now and won't really be available until the weekend.

[T'smom]

I'm so sorry. That is a hard place to be.

 

I don't have any real advice, but maybe you could do things like the list of books SWB recommends and schedule a chunk of time to read? Maybe focus on some exercise- it might be helpful in burning the kids energy so they don't have as much to spend fighting with each other.

 

I really don't know, I just wanted to throw out some suggestions. I'm really sorry that this happened to your family.

[redsquirrel]

Oh honey, it's going to take a long time to get back to 'normal'.

 

It looks different for everyone, but I don't think June was very long ago.

 

Are you getting any outside support? Seeing a therapist or a support group? Do you have a homeschool social group? How are you sleeping? Eating?

 

Maybe you all need to just focus on things like that for a bit.

[FloridaLisa]

Emily, 

 

I'm so sorry! My heart breaks for you.  :grouphug: How very difficult to lose a baby. I remember you posting about that. 

 

I think you're asking a lot of yourself to be back to any normal.  And grief is not linear. You may have some good days, maybe a good couple of weeks, but then you may hit a trough out of nowhere and it just takes all of your energy to focus on moving through the sadness.  

 

So, yes, I would school on autopilot. For us, that meant cutting back to the core. The year my grieving was at its hardest, I pretty much taught math and writing, grammar to the oldest and reading to my youngest. History was outsourced to VP self-paced lessons, Latin to Florida Virtual School and two of mine self-directed their physical science study (through Exploration Education). 

 

I would suggest cutting back to the core. Get books on tape and save your read-aloud energy (unless that's comforting to you). Direct and allow lots of masterly inactivity. School well on the days when you feel well and cut way back on the days you feel really crummy.  It won't always be like this.  You may have more good days as the year progresses. But allow yourself time to grieve. Anger is a sign of deep sadness/grief. Well, all that you've described is a sign of grief. 

 

On the hard days, pile the kids up in your bed and read together. Watch good movies or documentaries. Get out of the house for a library day. 

 

Also, do you have IRL friends that you've been able to tell how you are hurting? Real hugs and I'm praying for you's go a long way toward healing. 

 

Lisa

 

 

[Ellie]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

That's all I have...hugs. Wish I had actual words of wisdom, but all I have is :grouphug:

[Reefgazer]

I have never been in a situation with such a deep loss as yours, so I really can't imagine the depths.  But on weeks where I just *can't* (and I expect they're not as many or as severe as yours), I try to have the kids do some self-directed lessons.  Watch videos that are related to our history or science, read books on their own related to their literature study, books on tape for the younger ones, art projects, simple worksheets or reviews of math that don't require me hand-holding, math games online.  I think in your case, you might want to put together some "back-up work" that you can call on easily (so have in a box and ready to go the briefest of lesson plans that can be done without you, videos, SOTW on tape, self-directed kits for art) because that kind of grief isn't something that is going to fade fast and you might need those back-up plans for a year or longer.  Good luck with coping; I hope you and your family make it through the next week, next month, next year, and that your grief eases up when you need it to. 

[Snow]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[8filltheheart]

((((Hugs and prayers)))). Lisa's advice is excellent. Grief can be like waves. On the days you are coping, cope. On the days the undertow grabs hold, all you can do is try to survive. Your older children are experiencing their own grief as well, and their grief is mixed with watching mommy suffer. If they are sensitive ones, they probably can't focus and they don't know what to do, either.

 

Let this be a time to heal. Let go of any idea of ideals or goals. Cocoon. Focus on getting up and letting the children at home know that they can't fix anything any more than you can. I didn't believe time would heal all wounds. I thought it was something people spouted bc they couldn't think of anything else worth saying. But days do get easier and you won't feel like you are drowning in grief as often.

 

Today is not the day to worry about which lessons haven't been completed. Find things that all of you can handle.....audiobooks, documentaries, reading nooks, and minimal one foot in front of the other baby steps for each one of you. Follow Lisa's suggestions.

[Rosie_0801]

Don't hide all your crying. It's not nice for them to see, but it's healthier for you all because it is real.

[wintermom]

So sorry for your loss. That is crushing for the whole family. I wouldn't take all the blame for the dc's arguing - they're also dealing with a huge loss. Every one of you are in a difficult place right now. With that in mind, I'd go lighter on school as you all learn to cope with the loss of your baby. 

 

I would certainly cut way back on the curriculum that is very heavy on parent work (like tons of read-alouds). Get audio-books, plan to spread out the core over 18 months or a year, or just put it on hold for a year. Perhaps "farm out" a few more things than you might usually do - like art classes, physical activities, drama, or even an academic class. It keeps a routine going by getting out and about, but you don't have to do all the pouring in of energy to teach.

 

Be patient and gentle with yourself, you are fragile. Allow yourself a lot of time to build back up to the emotional and physical energy that you had before. You're not going to "bounce" back from things as quickly and smoothly as before.

 

[Luckymama]

I only had one at home that year, and she was in sixth grade, so my situation was quite different from yours.

 

I prioritized math and science to be done every day. We read and discussed history and watched a lot of documentaries. We dropped formal writing that year. She was able to do the rest of English independently and read voraciously as per usual. We also dropped a foreign language.

 

We went to the library twice a week. Dd was involved in three activities outside the house which helped her and me (one was once a month, one was once or twice a week, and the other was three days a week).

 

There were entire weeks when she only did math and science for official school work. But you know, it was ok because she was only 11.

 

:grouphug:

[PeterPan]

I'm so sorry for your loss.  We have friends who lost a baby early this summer also.  Their grief has been deep and is certainly not over.  

 

:grouphug: 

[shage]

I am  more of a poster child as to how NOT to handle grief.

 

Several things that helped me:

 

-Find activities that are comforting to you that the kids can also do.  (For us it was reading aloud and hiking.  For a friend of mine, it was board games.) Use that as the default activity when the day is hard.

-Otherwise focus on the very basics.

-Consider more non-traditional ways of hitting the basics.  For example, I switched my older kids over to an interactive journal for writing.  They would write about what was on their minds at bedtime, I would write a response for them for morning.  I never corrected grammar or spelling in these journals, and for one child it was got him writing independently and expressively in a ways curriculum did not.

 

My list of what not to do would be much longer. 

 

Take care of yourself.  Stop and cry.  Teach yourself a new skill.  (I learned to knit because it helped calm evening anxiety.). If there is a project you would like to do to honor your child:  do that.

[PRTGSw2K]

..

Edited July 20, 2016 by PRTGSw2K

[Woodland Mist Academy]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

So many good suggestions have already been given. I just wanted to add my support.

 

It sounds like you have an awareness of the rhythm grief is taking at this stage. Maybe have a list of exactly what to do when those days come. Sometimes it can be hard to think or see clearly through the pain, having written reminders may help. Try to make the plan on one of the better days and add in a little encouragement to yourself on the list. This will hopefully remind you that there are days you feel a bit stronger and less torn with grief.

 

• Be gentle with self and kids
• Get dressed
• Breakfast for everyone
• Hugs all around
• Math...colorful workbooks? picture books? playing with falling leaves outside...how many can you catch?
• etc. etc.

 

Sometimes one day at a time is just too much. Take it one moment or one breath at a time.

 

Be gentle with yourself. I have vivid memories of times I was sure my daughter's education was ruined because I could not get my act together though all the tears and pain. It wasn't true. Those days of just math, history read alouds, and a little of this and that were enough. The days we just talked and cried? Well, those were just as important as the long days we spend in the study now.

 

June was just a moment ago...be ever so gentle with yourself....

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

[LLMom]

So sorry.  Grief is a hard place to be.  Be gentle with yourself.  Make sure you are taking care of yourself even if it means needing to do less school.  But replace that time for the kids with educational videos, books on tape, or send them to a friends.  Use paper goods----a lot.  :grouphug:

[Chrysalis Academy]

Oh, Emily, I'm so sorry.  :grouphug:  You've gotten good advice, I don't have anything to add, but just wanted to send hugs.

[school17777]

Would it be possible for the days that you don't feel like you can get out of the bed and your husband is traveling to hire a mother's helper to be with the kids?

[TGHEALTHYMOM]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

I am so sorry for your loss.  Time does not heal all wounds.  I pray for your comfort  as you grieve.  

 

You have received a lot of good advice here.  I would suggest counseling if you really need it, and possibly medication.  I know medication is over prescribed, but it does help many people.

 

I am still nursing and used to take Sam-E for depression and joint pain in my elbow.  

 

I am prone to Winter blues and have lost a baby in the Winter ( 14 years ago)... it was rough and I quit my job at a Christian School  I felt very judged and heard over and over that I should be happy with my other 2 children.

 

A book that did help me then was called : A Deeper Shade of Grace

 

I lost my dad 3 years ago and that still wears me out, especially looking at videos or pictures... and then there are birthday's and Holiday's....anyway Grief is real and lasting... 

 

I read the Psalms for comfort when I am very low.

 

5 HTP is what I plan to try since it is a natural antidepressant and much lower in cost than Sam-E.

 

Don't forget you still need time for yourself, so figure out what that could be : A hot bath with music or a book, a walk, a nap, ice cream, hot tea and company... I rarely get what I really want in this area.  Still, I cherish my time even if it is 15 minutes.

 

 

 

[Tammyla]

:grouphug: (((Emily))) :grouphug:

 

 

Reading your post is heartbreaking.  I agree with the others, allow yourself and your family time to grieve.  And be flexible with your educational ideals and expectations while you are finding your way. 

 

 

Grief counseling may also allow you a safe outlet outside your home or a clergy member may even be able to visit with you at home.  If you had or have people offering to help, accept for yourself and them. 

[EmilyGF]

Wanted to send you another hug.  :grouphug:  Our loss came back again this morning, with a wedding announcement. Be gentle with yourself. 

Oh Margaret.  :grouphug: I never know what will trigger feelings of lost. The obvious ones don't, like when I need to tell someone who asks where the baby is. It seems to be the unexpected ones that do. My SIL just had a baby and sent (what I thought) was a birth announcement. I nearly threw it away without opening it. I spent the weekend feeling like I just wanted to stay in bed. Then, I opened it, and it was a handwritten condolence card.

 

Thanks for the replies. Today has been much better - in large to part to prayer, lower expectations, and a healthier breakfast. Probably crying last night helped, too.

 

Emily

[Evan]

I am profoundly sorry for your loss.  Life is forever altered when you lose a child and will never be the same.  In time, I came to recognize that my forever altered life could be filled with other good and positive things.  That realization and acceptance took time, it just did.

 

I do not know if this will be helpful for you, but I got a lot out of working with our local chapter of Compassionate Friends.  http://www.compassionatefriends.org/Find_Support/Chapters/Chapter_Locator.aspx

[Hunter]

I cried over my baby just a couple days ago. He would be 26 now. One of my surviving sons was a twin.

 

When my ex-husband's grandmother died in her 90's, we found the shoes of her baby. I remembered her crying over that baby about a year before that, and I started bawling when I saw the shoes. My mother-in-law just stared at me, and then she teared up a little.

 

We will never stop grieving. Maybe that is good. Someone once said that no one is ever really dead, until there is no one left alive that remembers them.

 

I remember your post about preparing to homeschool with a sick baby. I'm assuming you had even less time with the baby than you expected. I'm sorry.

 

What do you LIKE to teach. At least for THIS month, teach what you LIKE. Then re-evalute in a few weeks.

 

Sometimes people get a bit of PTSD after witnessing a death, even if the death wasn't violent. There will be people who shame you for grieving. Some of the "secondary wounding" information that has been compiled about PTSD applies to being shamed for grieving.

http://fellednot.com/secondary-wounding/

 

Some grieving people begin to show some symptoms of PTSD. Feeling safe might need to become a priority. I'll finish this in another post, after I find a file on my hard drive.

[Hunter]

ATTN Moderators! This is not a plagiarized copy and paste. This information was compiled from years of research, and written by me.

 

What lessens fear? What makes us feel safer?

• ï‚·  connection with big things: God, moon, sun, ocean

• ï‚·  connection with present : newspapers, TV, radio

• ï‚·  connection with past: nostalgic activities and items

• ï‚·  connection with future: hope, birth,

• ï‚·  interaction with people we trust

• ï‚·  reduced interaction with untrustworthy people

• ï‚·  helping others more fragile than ourselves

• ï‚·  interaction with plants and animals

• ï‚·  watching the cycles and patterns of nature

• ï‚·  water, bathing

• ï‚·  fire, heat

• ï‚·  eating, cooking, presence of food

• ï‚·  soothing music and sounds

• ï‚·  distracting activities

• ï‚·  purposeful activities

• ï‚·  engaging in creativity

• ï‚·  engaging in self-discovery activities and “non toothache†journaling

• ï‚·  rituals

• ï‚·  humor: active activities are more effective than passive ones

• ï‚·  holding, wearing and drawing symbols of protection, identity and/ or

  meaning: crystals, birthstones, birth trees, animal totems, jewelry,

  zodiac, lucky charms, essences, cross, Bible, stars, cards

• ï‚·  familiar, soft clothing and bedding

• ï‚·  being physically fit

• ï‚·  freedom of movement

• ï‚·  choices

• ï‚·  focusing on how to play the game of life, rather than trying to win it. 

 

[Hunter]

0. Strategies to Combat Fear

ï‚· Identify the fear. Say it out loud. Write it down. Fear often loses some of it's power once it is identified. Is there a fear behind the fear? Identifying the TRUE fear creates awareness.

ï‚· Fear of the unknown. Often fear comes from not knowing what to expect. Talk to people. Read books. Search the internet for information. Turn your unknowns into knowns.

ï‚· Ask for help. Is there anyone who can provide a service to you? At the very least find someone who will listen and offer verbal and emotional support.

ï‚· Ask yourself "what if?" Imagine the worst. How would you handle it? Planning how to handle something in advance reduces your fear of the unknown and increases your ability to manage it.

ï‚· Create a fallback statement. "If it doesn't work out, I'll..."
ï‚· Don't waste time worrying. 90% of what we worry about never

comes true.
ï‚· Facing your fear and taking a small action or risk to deal with your

fear builds confidence and lessens fear.
ï‚· Do not run from your fear. It often leads you into worse danger or

worse outcomes. If you feel confused, slow down a little.
ï‚· Deciding to do nothing. Sometimes it is best not to choose a new

route. Fear often creates a false sense of urgency. What would

happen if you do nothing?
ï‚· Train yourself to have the attitude that whatever happens, you'll

handle it. Remember times in the past when you have overcome

frightening obstacles successfully.
ï‚· Remind yourself that life is an adventure, no matter what happens.

Your security lies in your ability to perceive, to adapt, and to respond. An enhanced ability to see what's happening and the ability to respond quickly and accurately are the principles by which all life-forms survive and evolve. Focus on responding and evolving rather than attempting to control your environment and other people.

ï‚· Keep life simple.
ï‚· Say no when you feel overwhelmed. 

 

[Hunter]

What are the effects of feeling fear?

ï‚· become unfocused, disorientated, dazed
ï‚· depersonalization, dissociation, numbness, shock

ï‚· distorted perceptions
ï‚· memory problems
ï‚· loss of control
ï‚· intense desire to regain control
ï‚· sense of helplessness
ï‚· preoccupation with past times of fear
ï‚· preoccupation with possibility of future fears
ï‚· perceive the world more negatively
ï‚· anger, sadness, disgust, shame, guilt
ï‚· hyper alertness, exaggerated startle reflex
ï‚· sleep disturbance
ï‚· loss of appetite and/or binge eating
ï‚· isolation
ï‚· fear of being alone
ï‚· belief of an early death 

 

[Hunter]

The first post is the one that might be immediately applicable. I posted the others just in case you have to make some immediate decisions. When we are afraid, we make very different choices than when we feel safe.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

Our baby died in June and we took the summer off (we had family with us for almost two months).

 

Now that life is "back to normal", I do alright most of the time and then just fall off the deep end for a day or two about once a week. I am irritable, cranky, annoyed, feel hopeless, and cry once the kids are in bed. I look into private schools, realize it isn't an option, and feel like a complete failure.

 

During the day, taking cues from me, the kids bicker and fight. And, who can blame them?

 

Can you throw me a lifeline for days like today? School on auto pilot? I have no idea... My husband is traveling right now and won't really be available until the weekend.

 

I don't think that it is unreasonable that you and your kids are grieving.  I don't think you've somehow exceeded the allotted time over the summer and should now be operating as if it were just as before.

 

 

I've had some deaths that took a long time to move past. You don't have a schedule to follow.  If you think that counseling would be helpful or a grief support group, then it's not a sign of failure to cope if you see out that help.

 

When I've had to have treading water days, I had some good documentaries to turn to. The Blue Planet and other BBC nature documentaries were great.  Audio books like SOTW with Jim Weiss is also nice.

 

Another idea is to gather up your favorite picture books and read them together.  Books from when your kids were young and snuggly.  (For us that might be Click, Clack, Moo; Henry and Mudge; Poppleton; Richard Scarry and a silly book called Perfect Pancakes.  Maybe even board books like Eric Carle and Sandra Boynton.)  These are books that have safe, calm and happy associations. 

 

Something I rarely have time to get around to is art and music.  Maybe lifeline days could be a time for listening to classical music and looking at favorite artists.  Harmony Fine Arts has some free artists notebooking pages and composer notebooking pages that might give you something to gently guide your listening and viewing.

 

 

 

I personally find that some cooking is restful, especially cooking chocolate chip cookies.  It is just an automatic recipe for me, with something done at the end. Sometimes cooking a good stir fry or a great salad gives me this sense of accomplishment. 

 

Other times, what I need is take out from Panda Express.  Doing one and not the other isn't a sign of not coping.

 

Hugs to you.