Is there a way to teach decisiveness?

[Space station]

My dd10 takes forever to make decisions. She has always been cautious and careful; she wants all the facts before she makes a decision. She thinks everything through. Good, right? No rash behavior, fewer regrets. Except that sometimes it seems paralyzing. Big or little, everything is weighed and analyzed. She puts off as many decisions onto her older sister as she can. Dd13 makes decisions quickly and always has. Usually good decisions, but sometimes has to face the consequences of not thinking something through. Good, right? She is learning these lessons in a safe environment.

 

How can I help dd10 learn to sometimes make decisions more quickly? I want her to express her own preferences and not always defer to her sister. I want her to know that sometimes we make mistakes in decisions, but that is part of life. I want her to learn that sometimes we have to make decisions with the best info we have, incomplete though it may be.

 

Any advice?

[ErinE]

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Edited February 19, 2018 by ErinE

[Space station]

Hmmm. She hates sports, especially anything with a ball. She also dislikes competition.

[Incognito]

Board games?

[mathnerd]

Martial Arts! I can't recommend it enough. Our studio also incorporates "focus games" into the classes to see whose response time is the quickest. 

 

If that is not an option, maybe a musical instrument practice or dance might help - if she needs to respond to cues on time, that might help to improve how quickly she responds

[EndOfOrdinary]

:bigear:

[MomatHWTK]

Try graphic organizers and decision trees, pro/con lists, etc.  Maybe she needs to learn to visualize. 

 

Here are some resources:

http://psychology.tools/download-therapy-worksheets.html

[Garga]

Glad you asked!  I have a similar situation and hope the hive gives us some good tips.

 

My son doesn't take forever to make a decision, but he does take too long to answer a question.  Like I'll say, "Tell me a sentence using your vocabulary word," and he sits there forever trying to come up with a sentence.  It's not that he can't.  He's my very bright son who understands new concepts easily and is usually pretty witty.  

 

But if I ask him a question and he has to create an answer on the fly, he'll sit there forever pondering just the exaaaact way to answer it.  I catch myself saying, "Dude, it doesn't have to be Shakespeare.  Just tell me a simple sentence with the word.  Something short and sweet."  But he still sits there, thinking.  He does the same thing if you ask him something casually like, "What's your favorite pie?  What's your favorite movie?"  The answer has to be Just Right to him...but the rest of us don't care.  Just answer the question already!  

 

I like the idea of a sport where you have to react--fast!  He needs practice reacting quickly to questions.  

 

Anyway--I sort of feel your pain, OP.

[Space station]

Thank you for all the suggestions. She plays piano and violin, including playing in a chamber music group, so she does get some of that. She also did well in the spontaneous problem solving portion of odyssey of the mind when we participated in that, so I think she CAN respond quickly when she has to. She tends to help whoever is behind in a board game, rather than try to win. (I think that comes somewhat from the Montessori focus on collaboration over competition in her early years.)

 

I like the graphic organizer suggestion - that is something we have never tried. That would make the process analytical for her, which she would like. I think I would just have to put a time limit on it - list all the pros you can in 2 minutes, all the cons in 2 minutes, then make a choice.

 

Thanks for the thoughts.

[hornblower]

I think sometimes this is a symptom of perfectionism. You can get paralyzed by the thought of making a mistake. Lots of modeling of making mistakes & recovering from them, talking about 'what's the worst that would happen' (because often the person has already thought of all the 'worst' things already & possibly over catastrophized the outcomes).

Consider making more things automatic. Like deciding meals up for the week so they don't have to choose breakfast each day because they've already decided that Wed is toast with pbj...   Making decisions tires us out so automate the decision making as much as possible through routines etc.

My indecisive child is perfectionistic and also has anxiety. I don't think there's an easy solution.

oh & do check out some of the research on decision making fatigue: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/21/magazine/do-you-suffer-from-decision-fatigue.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0 as it's really quite fascinating.

 

[Space station]

I think sometimes this is a symptom of perfectionism. You can get paralyzed by the thought of making a mistake. Lots of modeling of making mistakes & recovering from them, talking about 'what's the worst that would happen' (because often the person has already thought of all the 'worst' things already & possibly over catastrophized the outcomes).

 

Consider making more things automatic. Like deciding meals up for the week so they don't have to choose breakfast each day because they've already decided that Wed is toast with pbj... Making decisions tires us out so automate the decision making as much as possible through routines etc.

 

My indecisive child is perfectionistic and also has anxiety. I don't think there's an easy solution.

 

oh & do check out some of the research on decision making fatigue: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/21/magazine/do-you-suffer-from-decision-fatigue.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0 as it's really quite fascinating.

Thank you! That does sound like her. I will check out the link.

[Cosmos]

I'm like that, and my ds is as well, so now I'm experiencing it from a parent's point of view. It drives me nuts sometimes!

 

Here are a few strategies that have helped me in making decisions and that I have taught to my ds:

 

1) When a decision is needed that has a deadline. This is the classic "what to order at a restaurant" scenario. The idea is to quickly look through the options and choose one GOOD thing. You acknowledge to yourself that it may not be the BEST choice, but it is a good on, and you file it into your choice slot. Now, if the waitress comes, you are prepared. There is already something in that slot. You are now free to continue to think about choices and swap your choice out for something else. This is easier to do now because there is less pressure to PICK SOMETHING. You already have something as a fallback.

 

2) For longer term and/or important decisions. Do all the things people suggest to do: pros/cons list, brainstorm, etc. Then pick your own deadline and at that point make a choice. The important thing here is that it's a temporary choice, and so it cuts down on the pressure to make the BEST choice. Just pick one thing. This summer camp or that summer camp. This paint color or that paint color. Now, you have to use your powers of imagination. Before you made the choice, you knew it was not a real choice, and that took the pressure off. But now, you have to convince yourself that it is the real choice. Imagine yourself driving up to that summer camp and walking into the cabin. You have to really believe that you have chosen it. Then live with that choice for X amount of time, say a day or so. At this point you may feel little twinges of regret about your choice. Pay attention and you may be able to tease out some subtleties you hadn't before. For some reason, it's sometimes clearer to see the pros and cons when it's about a choice you have made versus two potential choices.

 

3) Pre-make your decision. This was taught in my driver's education course, and it's really very helpful in certain circumstances. The driving situation is that you are approaching a traffic light and the light is green. What you do not want to do is to drive along and then if/when the light turns yellow, make a split-second decision about whether you have time to stop or not. Split second decisions aren't usually our best ones. Instead, as you approach the traffic light make your decision as you go. When you are far away, your decision is to stop. As you get closer and closer, there comes a point where your decision changes to "don't stop". This is called your no-stopping point. Where the no-stopping point should be is something that comes with driving experience. But the point is that you aren't waiting until the light turns yellow to decide. If the light turns yellow, you already have made your decision whether to stop or not. Now, how does this apply in real life? Maybe if you are waiting to hear about opportunity X before deciding to do opportunity Y. I want to go to my friend's house but I have to wait for my mom to get home first, for example.

 

I hope something in there is helpful. I will say that I outgrew my indecisiveness to some extent. Learning these strategies also helped. I don't think most people now would know that it's something I have struggled with.

[Cosmos]

oh & do check out some of the research on decision making fatigue: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/21/magazine/do-you-suffer-from-decision-fatigue.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0 as it's really quite fascinating.

 

 

Oh, yes! Absolutely. I should add that I structure as much as I can in my life to avoid making decisions. I have posted before that I clean the bathrooms every single day. For me that is far easier than deciding when to clean the bathrooms. I feel the effects of decision fatigue very clearly.

 

[Space station]

Thank you, Cosmos, that was also helpful. I see that she does try to do some of these things for herself, and I need to remind her of these strategies in other situations. For example, she always has a "usual" order at a restaurant. It is different at every restaurant, but when we go someplace she has been before, she always orders the same item. Now a new restaurant, that can lead to trouble...I'll suggest your strategy next time.

 

The article hornblower linked is fascinating. I also need to help her by not asking her opinion on other things throughout the day that I could decide myself. I thought that it would help my girls feel involved in household decisions, ie. what do you want for dinner, what do you want to do first, etc. Instead, I am reducing their ability to make other decisions. Also, the article said that glucose can boost decision making power. This daughter rarely snacks and doesn't have a sweet tooth. She just eats at meals. My decision making daughter eats several times a day. I think that I will try making sure that dd has some fruit or something between meals to refresh her decision making power.

 

This has been an eye-opening discussion for me! Thank you all very much!

[Black-eyed Suzan]

I am like your daughter. The only thing that worked for me I wouldn't recommend for a 10 year old: becoming a parent!  :laugh:

 

It may be a part of her personality. I am reminded of the last letters of the Myers-Briggs personality types: Judging or Perceiving. Perceivers like to leave their options open. Judgers like to have made the decision. Here's a more thorough description of the difference:

http://www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-type/mbti-basics/judging-or-perceiving.htm

 

I read a book a while ago called Decisive: How to Make Better Choices in Life and Work by Chip and Dan Heath that may help give her strategies. You should preview it before giving it to her - I can't remember whether or not there is anything inappropriate for a 10 year old. I found it mildly helpful. :)

 

[Space station]

Good point. I think I remember coming up isfj when a company I worked for had us do that test. I never thought about it much though. I'll look for that book. Thanks!

[EndOfOrdinary]

My son will rarely ask for food, but if I put it out he will graze on it throughout the day.  It often helps our day be successful by keeping his blood sugar level.  For some reason he claims he is never hungry....crazy child.  He is burning calories just sitting with all the wiggling he is doing!  I do not know if that will work for your daughter, but perhaps if you just set it out she will not have to make a decision.  It will just be there.

[Space station]

My son will rarely ask for food, but if I put it out he will graze on it throughout the day. It often helps our day be successful by keeping his blood sugar level. For some reason he claims he is never hungry....crazy child. He is burning calories just sitting with all the wiggling he is doing! I do not know if that will work for your daughter, but perhaps if you just set it out she will not have to make a decision. It will just be there.

This is my daughter exactly. She is rarely hungry. I did stock up on snacks and fruit yesterday and plan to set food out whether she asks or not. The only flaw in this plan is my always hungry older daughter will probably get to all of it first!

[EndOfOrdinary]

This is my daughter exactly. She is rarely hungry. I did stock up on snacks and fruit yesterday and plan to set food out whether she asks or not. The only flaw in this plan is my always hungry older daughter will probably get to all of it first!

I do have to make sure it is eaten up by the time Dad gets home from teaching. He LOVES snacks and is often ready for some quick munching in the afternoon :)

[Rockhopper]

My son struggles with decision-making a lot, too.

 

As a corollary, he HATES questions like "what's your favorite color?" He can't seem to recognize that it is not a *weighted* or *weighty* question. His answer doesn't have to be the perfectly honest, absolute right for all times and all places answer. Just polite small talk, or what appeals at the moment...

 

 

I'm like that, and my ds is as well, so now I'm experiencing it from a parent's point of view. It drives me nuts sometimes!

 

Here are a few strategies that have helped me in making decisions and that I have taught to my ds:

 

1) When a decision is needed that has a deadline. This is the classic "what to order at a restaurant" scenario. The idea is to quickly look through the options and choose one GOOD thing. You acknowledge to yourself that it may not be the BEST choice, but it is a good on, and you file it into your choice slot. Now, if the waitress comes, you are prepared. There is already something in that slot. You are now free to continue to think about choices and swap your choice out for something else. This is easier to do now because there is less pressure to PICK SOMETHING. You already have something as a fallback.

 

2) For longer term and/or important decisions. Do all the things people suggest to do: pros/cons list, brainstorm, etc. Then pick your own deadline and at that point make a choice. The important thing here is that it's a temporary choice, and so it cuts down on the pressure to make the BEST choice. Just pick one thing. This summer camp or that summer camp. This paint color or that paint color. Now, you have to use your powers of imagination. Before you made the choice, you knew it was not a real choice, and that took the pressure off. But now, you have to convince yourself that it is the real choice. Imagine yourself driving up to that summer camp and walking into the cabin. You have to really believe that you have chosen it. Then live with that choice for X amount of time, say a day or so. At this point you may feel little twinges of regret about your choice. Pay attention and you may be able to tease out some subtleties you hadn't before. For some reason, it's sometimes clearer to see the pros and cons when it's about a choice you have made versus two potential choices.

 

3) Pre-make your decision. This was taught in my driver's education course, and it's really very helpful in certain circumstances. The driving situation is that you are approaching a traffic light and the light is green. What you do not want to do is to drive along and then if/when the light turns yellow, make a split-second decision about whether you have time to stop or not. Split second decisions aren't usually our best ones. Instead, as you approach the traffic light make your decision as you go. When you are far away, your decision is to stop. As you get closer and closer, there comes a point where your decision changes to "don't stop". This is called your no-stopping point. Where the no-stopping point should be is something that comes with driving experience. But the point is that you aren't waiting until the light turns yellow to decide. If the light turns yellow, you already have made your decision whether to stop or not. Now, how does this apply in real life? Maybe if you are waiting to hear about opportunity X before deciding to do opportunity Y. I want to go to my friend's house but I have to wait for my mom to get home first, for example.

 

I hope something in there is helpful. I will say that I outgrew my indecisiveness to some extent. Learning these strategies also helped. I don't think most people now would know that it's something I have struggled with.

 

Some helpful stuff here -- thanks!

[hornblower]

 

 

As a corollary, he HATES questions like "what's your favorite color?"

 

LOL

 

 

KEEPER:  What is your favorite color?  GALAHAD:  Blue.  No yel--  Auuuuuuuugh!

Monty Python & the Holy Grail

[Rockhopper]

LOL

 

 

KEEPER:  What is your favorite color?  GALAHAD:  Blue.  No yel--  Auuuuuuuugh!

Monty Python & the Holy Grail

 

I think I'll paint this on his wall. Seriously! :-) 

 

(He'd find it amusing, and his dad is all about reinforcing his (Monty Python) education.)

[texasmama]

Is she anxious?

 

Is she an introvert?

 

Anxiety can cause problems making decisions.  Introverts tend to mull things over for longer than extroverts, making them appear indecisive.

 

Anxiety can be treated or addressed.  Introversion cannot. :)  I say this because it is important to know if you are dealing with pathology or personality.

[Space station]

Is she anxious?

 

Is she an introvert?

 

Anxiety can cause problems making decisions. Introverts tend to mull things over for longer than extroverts, making them appear indecisive.

 

Anxiety can be treated or addressed. Introversion cannot. :) I say this because it is important to know if you are dealing with pathology or personality.

She is definitely an introvert, and by that I mean she prefers to be at home. She has great friends that she enjoys being with if they initiate it, but it would never occur to her to initiate anything. She is fine to go places if she knows where we are going, how long we will be there, and who she will see. I do not think it is anxiety, just her personality. We call her our "cat" personality. Older daughter is our Labrador - always ready to go anywhere, to see anyone.

[mathwonk]

well...i think so, but i'm not sure....