my son refuses to write.... i can't be patient anymore

[Guest hazal]

The problem of

my life is my son!! he is 6 and half old. Sometimes he is very kind child and always kind at school he was a quiet child all my family and friends tolled me I'm lucky mom and it was right but not anymore. Problems has began when school start, he hate school and everyday we have fighting about anything for school such as homework, reading even if not for school. At school he doesn't work independent always his friends help him to do his work last year when he was in kindergarten I had hard time with him he didn't focus with his teacher and now the same problem but now he is in first grade and it's hard he refuses to reading and writing. No one can imagine how he looks when try to read he become very  nervous and he just try to bothering me like sucks his finger and that make me mad or he says bad word or asks me about somethıng completely different and never stay calm for more than two minutes !! just he keep saying STOP, THATS ENOGH. I really feel very frustrating and I feel guilt and remorse. When I see others kids doing well and my son don't I feel something heavy on my heart it's too hard most students in his class are AR reader and my son RA even RA level he can't read it easly his teacher gives him stories like , CAT SAT ON THE MAT. thats all! I feel he doing that intent. He is very good at math and he like doing his math program online and he practices alot but also that just online I mean he is not very well on paper but if online he is very smart also his teacher notices that specially by using iPad. I don't what should I do I am lost and very upset. any help please :crying: :crying:  :crying:  

 

 

 

[PeterPan]

You sound very frustrated.  If you are in the US, you have the legal right as the parent to request evals.  You do not have to wait for the teacher.  If you feel there's a learning issue or some other problem going unidentified (speech, etc.), go ahead and request the evals in writing and get the process going.

 

You can also talk with your pediatrician, get his vision checked by an optometrist, or consider a private psychological eval if you feel there are learning, behavioral, or developmental problems.

 

I agree children at this age should enjoy school and be happy.  You may be correct that something is going on, and talking with the teacher and pursuing evals are the way to sort that out.  It may have a simple solution like needing eye glasses or some speech therapy or something that hasn't been caught yet.  Sometimes you have to do evals to eliminate possible causes.  

 

What does HE say is is concern and why he doesn't like school?

[Lecka]

You can write a letter to the school requesting an eval.  

 

http://nichcy.org/publications/letterwriting/evaluation  I just googled and that has a sample letter.  

 

You can just put your basic information, say your child is having trouble with focus, reading, and writing.  Your child is showing frustration and it is developing into a behavior problem. 

 

Something like that.  

 

Then the school should give you a response to that letter, telling you what eval they think is appropriate.

 

It is better to write a letter because that is just how things work.  It SEEMS LIKE talking to the teacher is how things work, but it is NOT.  

 

I mean, talk to the teacher, too.  Definitely make an appointment with the teacher, don't wait around for parent-teacher conferences.  Maybe talk to the teacher every week so that she sees you as "involved" and "following up" or whatever.  But write the letter, too.  

 

Your son can get help, but things have a way of getting worse and worse until they get really bad ----- and then, it can be because of behavior, and then you end up with behavior interventions but reading and writing get lost.  Or his frustration gets so great as time goes on, it is a greater challenge to get him back to reading and writing.  It is SO HARD on kids to be given work that is too frustrating and have no support.

 

Remember -- you know he is a good kid and he is doing the best he can!  He needs better/different teaching or something -- not sure what without the eval, but he needs something.  You are his rock and his support, and he needs you to advocate for him.  Good luck.  

[Lecka]

Also -- I can imagine what he looks like.  My son would fall off his chair.  He crumpled up his papers a few times.  Once he crumpled up a reader.  

 

He was frustrated, there was too much pressure on him.  He was not being taught a way he could understand, so he could not succeed.  He wanted to succeed and he felt very bad.  He wanted to please me and please his teacher.  

 

For him -- speech therapy helped, and I did a dyslexia reading program with him.  He also had OT and he gets some accommodations now for dysgraphia.  

 

He has gotten speech and OT through school, I have requested an eval for him as I mentioned.  

 

My personal advice is -- don't keep pushing him in the same way.  You may push him into more pronounced behaviors -- ask me how I know, it is what I did.  I didn't know any better at the time, I thought if he just kept doing the same thing it would work eventually.  

 

He needed a different kind of reading program, and then he did better.  Now he is in 4th grade and reading on grade level.  It was hard work but the right kind of teaching made a difference.  

 

He was suspected of having ADHD but a school eval ruled it out.  If he had ADHD -- I would be getting him supports at school and working with him in whatever recommended way.  He has gotten ADHD supports in school in the past that have helped him (mostly cues to focus, the teacher helping him get started, and things like that).  

 

It sounds like it is developing into a behavior problem -- you have an opportunity to stop the spiral.  I let the spiral go and wish I had stopped it earlier.  Then on the other hand, at least I stopped it when I did.  But I also know I did not know to do anything different at the time, I thought I should keep going over the school materials.   

 

But you describe a child who is eager to please and compliant except at reading/writing time.  So know in your heart he is that same child.  Anyone put in an impossible situation will act out -- think of times you have been frustrated and had people tell you to try harder, when you were already doing your best.  Or, think of a time you have been confused.  It is hard when your child is pulling things -- but keep in mind the things you know about your child, that he is a sweet kid.  

 

But do try something different.  Try to figure out what to do differently.  B/c you know the school materials are not reaching him -- if they were reaching him, he would be doing well.  

 

You also might ask if they have reading pull-out, and if they do, who does he have it with.  Then if that person is doing well with him -- get materials from that person.

 

My son was in reading pull-out in 1st grade, at this time in the year, and I didn't know until a parent-teacher conference in the middle of October.  No note, nothing.  My son never told me.  So -- maybe he is getting more help at school but then he is still getting the same book bags coming home from the classroom teacher, just b/c she is required to send some book bags home with every child.  

 

It sounds like you have talked to the teacher, but I had talked to the teacher in passing and she didn't mention it.  But, I hadn't made an appointment, I was just seeing her when I picked my son up after school.  

 

I am someone who chose to afterschool with an easier/slower/dyslexia reading program.  They can break things down more simply and more slowly, and give more ways to practice.  That is what helped my son with his reading.  It took him more time and practice, but now he reads the same as other children who picked it up easily.  He still has poor handwriting, but it is better than it used to be.  

[Crimson Wife]

This is a major problem now that schools are really pushing early reading and writing. Some kids are developmentally ready for it at 5 or 6 but others are naturally "late bloomers". Especially boys, who tend to be less mature than girls of the same age.

 

He may need intervention or he may just need more time to develop. Certainly it is worth pursuing an evaluation but I wish schools were more flexible in recognizing the normal range of development. The little boy who struggles at 6 may be just fine in another year or two.

[Heathermomster]

Respectfully asking, do you speak English at home?  Is he ESL?  

 

If so, your DS likely requires direct and explicit phonics instruction.  If the school teaches reading using primarily sight word instruction, that may explain his frustration.  You could hire an O-G tutor to work with him after school..

 

For the handwriting, seek an OT eval.   Be gentle and scribe for him.

 

I work under the assumption that children love their parents and want to please them.  Children crave knowledge and want to learn.  It sounds like your son needs another approach.  Many pubic schools will not provide services until the student has failed a grade or that is how it works in my ps district.

 

 

[Guest hazal]

Thanks for everyone reply. First of all  I Forgot to mention a very important point, I realized it when Heathermomster asked my do you speak English at home?  Is he ESL?  

 

we are not english speakers and I try to speak english at home. We have been in San Diego, CA  since May,2013 in the begining I used to speak English with him all the time but later he became angry if I speak english but the problem he undersatand everything I said also to make sure he understand us we tryed to speak about him like my husband toled me '' no ipad for him anymore, he is naughty''. Then he responded directly '' why?'' so he can understand but he doesn't speak I feel he don't want ! he hates english at all ! but he speaks too many word in english or I can say all his words in english but just word. He speaks sample sentences like I want water, I want play, do you want ( somethings ) but never speake any sentence at school even words he doesn't  communicte with his friends just when he be angry or someone bother him like stop, don't push me, please stop, that's enogh and a few times he speaks with his teacher if she insisted on his answer also he when he speaks english with someone  (rarely happens) he seems so shy in a low voice. All families we know them their children start speaks english very well almost fluents.My neighbors mostly from France, Germany and Turkey like us so we are ın the same condiion also we had the same time in America and before we moved here my son already was in a private American school in Istanbul and he was doing very well but I don't know what happen with him here ! and about his reading and writing just yesterday I have to make sure he refuses to read and write only with us becase yesterday was his first dictation and he got 90% he shocked us ! but it wasn't easy it was too hard practiced him we kept practicing til 10 pm but do you know he didn't write with me more than 2 words maybe and he kept say STOP I CAN'T , I DON'T KNOW .... I can't  describe that day ıt was very difficult. He got 100% on math exam but stil the same problem he refuses to read anything I really want help him by anyway also I resigned from work in order to fully dedicate myself to help him at this time. Also I will search about eval because I don't Know anything about it.

 

agian thanx to everyone tried to help me

[PeterPan]

That's a huge change to move to another country.  Is he in ESL classes at school?  Is he in a sport or after school activity he might like to help him enjoy being in the US and make friends?  

 

My friends who are from other countries usually speak their native language at home.  If they're in school speaking english all day, their english will quickly become better than yours.  Maybe he's afraid he's going to *lose* his heritage and his native language?  Maybe speaking arabic (or whatever your native language is) at home would help him by letting him know he's not going to lose that side of himself?

 

I'm also wondering if some ESL classes or a tutor might give him another person to talk with about what he's feeling.  It's a lot of changes for a little boy to sort through.

[Tokyomarie]

Hazal, I feel your frustration! You want your son to do well. Your son wants to feel successful. But your family has been through a huge, big change. You have so many new ways of doing things to get used to. Be gentle with your son and be gentle with yourself. It will take time but he will soon learn English and will learn to read and write.

 

 

At home, focus on helping your son feel safe and secure. That will probably mean speaking your native language with him. It will also mean keeping some of the same traditions you had in your home country- the daily routines of life- meals, bedtime routines, etc. Do whatever it takes for him to feel loved, secure, and like you are "on his side." Only when he feels secure, can he learn a new language and a new way of life.

 

 

The "experts" on language learning say that it takes most students 5-7 years to learn a new language well enough to handle all academics in the new language. Most children will learn to speak well enough that they can play and handle daily routines in their new language within 1-3 years, but it takes longer to catch up in reading and writing. Also, they learn to understand others speaking before they can speak well themselves. Think about how a child hears his native language for about 1.5 years before he starts to say many words of his own. Then it takes years more before he speaks long sentences. It is much like that when a child learns a second language. Listening comes first, then speaking, then reading, then writing. If we try to rush writing too soon, an anxious child will feel overwhelmed. When he is overwhelmed, he can't learn.

 

 

Is there someone in charge of bilingual/ESL learners at your son's school? Maybe you could talk to the teacher or the principal to find out who is in charge of programs for ESL learners. Maybe that person can help you find some strategies to help your son. Sometimes ESL learners also have a learning disability. When there is difficulty with reading and writing in the second language, it can sometimes be hard to figure out what part is learning a new language and what part is having a learning disability. I might suggest trying to get extra help for language learning at school. If that doesn't help, you might talk to the school and your son's pediatrician about testing for a learning disability.

 

 

I have lived in another country with young children. It was sometimes hard to help my children when I felt like a baby in the culture myself! I couldn't speak the language, I didn't understand the customs, and I was always doing things "wrong." Eventually, I figured out how to do life in my new language and culture, though I never became truly fluent. It took time but it wasn't too long before my kids passed me up in language skills!  

 

[Guest hazal]

That's a huge change to move to another country.  Is he in ESL classes at school?  Is he in a sport or after school activity he might like to help him enjoy being in the US and make friends?  

 

My friends who are from other countries usually speak their native language at home.  If they're in school speaking english all day, their english will quickly become better than yours.  Maybe he's afraid he's going to *lose* his heritage and his native language?  Maybe speaking arabic (or whatever your native language is) at home would help him by letting him know he's not going to lose that side of himself?

 

I'm also wondering if some ESL classes or a tutor might give him another person to talk with about what he's feeling.  It's a lot of changes for a little boy to sort through.

 

  At first I thought about a program after school like soccer team or swimming class but I was afraid he couldn't understand them and become wors ! he is already Interested in soccer so I don't if that will help?

 

so do you think I should just speak Turkish ( my native language ) at home ?

 

at school he is with native speaker no ESL program ! just they have a dull online program and he don't like it at all. This year just a few days ago his first grade teacher tried again but it was the same program he already hate it. Other ESL kids they like it but my son hate it so no any help to learn language at school just listening.

 

thank you so much for your help

I will think again about sport team

 

Hazal, I feel your frustration! You want your son to do well. Your son wants to feel successful. But your family has been through a huge, big change. You have so many new ways of doing things to get used to. Be gentle with your son and be gentle with yourself. It will take time but he will soon learn English and will learn to read and write.

 

 

At home, focus on helping your son feel safe and secure. That will probably mean speaking your native language with him. It will also mean keeping some of the same traditions you had in your home country- the daily routines of life- meals, bedtime routines, etc. Do whatever it takes for him to feel loved, secure, and like you are "on his side." Only when he feels secure, can he learn a new language and a new way of life.

 

 

The "experts" on language learning say that it takes most students 5-7 years to learn a new language well enough to handle all academics in the new language. Most children will learn to speak well enough that they can play and handle daily routines in their new language within 1-3 years, but it takes longer to catch up in reading and writing. Also, they learn to understand others speaking before they can speak well themselves. Think about how a child hears his native language for about 1.5 years before he starts to say many words of his own. Then it takes years more before he speaks long sentences. It is much like that when a child learns a second language. Listening comes first, then speaking, then reading, then writing. If we try to rush writing too soon, an anxious child will feel overwhelmed. When he is overwhelmed, he can't learn.

 

 

Is there someone in charge of bilingual/ESL learners at your son's school? Maybe you could talk to the teacher or the principal to find out who is in charge of programs for ESL learners. Maybe that person can help you find some strategies to help your son. Sometimes ESL learners also have a learning disability. When there is difficulty with reading and writing in the second language, it can sometimes be hard to figure out what part is learning a new language and what part is having a learning disability. I might suggest trying to get extra help for language learning at school. If that doesn't help, you might talk to the school and your son's pediatrician about testing for a learning disability.

 

 

I have lived in another country with young children. It was sometimes hard to help my children when I felt like a baby in the culture myself! I couldn't speak the language, I didn't understand the customs, and I was always doing things "wrong." Eventually, I figured out how to do life in my new language and culture, though I never became truly fluent. It took time but it wasn't too long before my kids passed me up in language skills!  

 

I really like your explanation and you gave me a batch of optimism thank you so much

also as I said no ESL program and his school I feel they are uncooperative with us because they just want him be perfect without extra help they can't understand he is not native speaker ,but I say maybe because other kids are in the same situation doing batter than him but it still they unhelpful to help him learn english. They are good in other things like math and writing however thant's not enogh to my son because he does't like traditional way. In fact I have thought about private school and I really like a Christian private school but it's somewhat an expensive also I like San Diego Jewish Academy but it's  too expensive more then $ 20,000 for first grade !!!! but still I don't know anything about both of them.

 

Thank you so much

[Guest theinbetween]

I'm sorry I wasn't able to read all of the other posters for this thread, but did want to share with you this: Math, spacial reasoning, hand-eye coordination, fine motor, memory speed, literature vs numbers, all very, very separate areas of the brain, but still interconnected. An average or excelling subject for a child usually doesn't mean that this extends to all areas. In fact, the easier one subject comes to a child, the more he may struggle in others. Its a matter of wiring it would seem.  Here are a couple of resources for you. The first, Carol Bainer, suggests (and this may be controversial) that for children who's difficulty is in writing, that we bag it, and be the "secretary" for them while writing down all of their ideas and answers, and that they are only forced to write during an actual writing lesson.  After all, the goal is that the child learn, feel competent and able to express what the "do" know, not just what they are able to write about with their own hand.  She believes that with other "brain" exercises, time and patience, that the child will develop into the skill of writing but that the child's curiosity, love of learning and self esteem should trump this one minor glitch in learning (which, if it snowballs, can turn into many glitches). I have started doing this with my son and I have seen him blossom.

 

The other idea is to purchase a "keyboarding" program to allow him to learn to type instead of write.  Intelligence, curiosity and love of learning are best developed in a way that makes the child feel successful, not like a failure. And as Carol pointed out, "Our whole education of the individual child should not hinge on their ability to perform on their weakest possible area."  Build on the child's strengths, work slowly and in short bursts on the weaknesses, and trust the process of how he will grow as time passes.  Imagine if we were all judged as people or as learners on our weakest area? Its not a sprint, but rather a marathon. And you are doing a great job of finding out what works for you son :)

 

http://sizzlebop.com/

 

also see "Diane Craft" for other visual and fine motor ideas.

[Heathermomster]

Soccer or another team sport that your DS enjoys might help him to fit in and establish friends. Sports could help with his overall well being and improve his attitude. The exercise could also strengthen his core strength and help to improve his handwriting.

 

For language and reading, LiPS by Lindamood Bell may benefit him. You could call the local dyslexia school and discover whether they recommend any Orton Gillingham certified teachers. Maybe consider hiring a tutor to work with him 2-3 times per week. If you can afford tutoring, I would not rely on the public school. It is possible that your DS would require tutoring for a few months just to get him over the initial reading hump.

 

I know many adopted children that have to come to the US and required a reading tutor. It is very common for ESL students to struggle with reading, especially when their school uses sight word reading instruction. I am not convinced that a private school would be a good choice unless the school specializes in learning disabilities. In the US, private religious schools are not held to Federal Law, meaning they don't have to accommodate a special needs child. I homeschool because our private Christian school at the middle and high school level would no longer accommodate my DS and the local public school system is a joke.

 

Have you considered homeschooling?