Do you frequently feel harassed/persecuted for being a homeschooler?

[kentuckymom]

So, there have always been a higher percentage of homeschoolers at Squirrelboy's ballet school than in the general population, but this year about half his class is homeschooled. Two of the families just started homeschooling this year. It makes me jealous since I'd homeschool in  heartbeat if DH would let me, but that's irrelevant to this post.

 

Monday I overheard one mom talking to one of the new homeschooling moms and the mom asked if she was harassed for homeschooling. She replied "Oh, yes, harassment is always going to happen. You just have to get used to it."

 

This statement surprised me. We're good friends with two homeschooling families, one of which has been at it for 11 years now, and neither has ever mentioned being/feeling harassed. 

 

So I'm just curious if homeschoolers here feel that harassment is par for the course? If so, what does it look like?

[Chris in VA]

I wasn't, back when we homeschooled.

I did get some negative feedback the one year I took off of homeschooling, while in a conversation with other preschool teachers about homeschooling.

But it wasn't harrassment, just a strongly expressed opinion.

IME, it's family that usually is bold enough to actually harrass.

[marbel]

I have never been harassed and don't know anyone who reports getting harassed.  I hear of harassment on message boards and in the occasional article. Sometimes it's really extreme, like a nasty neighbor with a grudge calls CPS over homeschooling.  Seems like I hear of grandmas engaging in a little harassment.  It might be that peoples' perceptions of harassment are different.   Some people feel persecuted just because someone disagrees with them.

 

This isn't to say it doesn't really happen.  I have just had zero experience with it ever.

[abba12]

When we were kids we were frequently asked by strangers why we wern't at school, and they all had their opinions on homeschooling when told.

 

I've definitely been told by non family members that I am denying my kids various opportunities or ruining them

 

I think it depends on the area you live in too

[Luckymama]

Nope

 

:)

[Pawz4me]

Not homeschoolling now, but when we were -- No.

[QueenCat]

No

[....]

No, never (in 6 years) harassed.  I was questioned once in an emergency room as to why my kids weren't in school, though.  My son was playing outside during school hours, got hurt and I ended up having to take him to the ER.  Nothing ever came of it (they didn't call CPS or anything).    

[hjffkj]

Nope.  When people find out I usually get tons of praise and genuine questions.  The most negativity I've ever gotten was from my mil and fil the first time we mentioned it to them.  They didn't try to talk us out of it or actually say anything to us about it but their looks said it all.  I'm happy they knew to keep their mouths shut on the issue.

[I talk to the trees]

While living in Mordor, we (and all the other homeschoolers in the district) were given a very hard time one year about our IHIP.  A strongly worded letter from HSLDA, reminding the superintendent that she wasn't as all-powerful as she thought she was, took care of that situation. I can honestly say that that is the only time in 9 years of homeschooling that I have experienced that kind of hostility. Most of the people we know/meet are impressed or even fascinated by the idea of homeschooling. Many of dd's non-homeschooled friends have wistfully commented that they wished they could be homeschooled.

 

I think you find what you are looking for, kwim?

[Butter]

 

I think you find what you are looking for, kwim?

 

This,

 

I've never felt harassed.  Ever.  In three different states.

[The Girls' Mom]

No I haven't.  I have had a very small number of people voice their disagreement with homeschooling, but I have a fairly thick skin so it didn't feel anything like harassment.  Most people I've come across in the past 7 years (and two states) have been very accepting and encouraging.  Maybe it helps that my kids are older and it is obvious I haven't ruined them?

[shawthorne44]

Harassed?  No.  Of course we are baby homeschoolers.  

Negative comments?  Yes, sometimes.  Usually said by former public school teachers.  

"I could NEVER homeschool my children" said in the same tone they might say they couldn't beat their kids.  Yes, frequently.  

It might be that people have learned to keep the negativity to themselves.  I started a job on the same day as a guy with many many kids who are homeschooled.  Not quiverful, they just like kids.  A great many people said negative things about him when he wasn't there, calling him a weirdo solely because of homeschooling.  Of course, I squashed that when I heard it.  But, people have probably just learned to not say anything around me.  When I started at work, DD wasn't school aged.  

 

 

[Mimm]

When I was a homeschooled student in the 80s and 90s, we were definitely weird and met with a lot of :confused1: :confused1:  type reactions. But only one case of what I'd call outright harassment, when a neighbor with a grudge reported us to CPS. This being TX, they sent us a letter asking if we were complying with the law, my mother filled out the form basically saying yes, but not detailing in what way. She sent it back and that was the end of it. They didn't call or come by. Apparently the neighbor was at least honest in that she didn't claim any abuse was going on, just that crazy homeschooling business.

 

As a homeschooling mom, no, I've never felt harassed. I have an education discount card at B&N and when the employees find out I'm a homeschooler, I frequently feel like they are judging a bit. Not all, but some. The conversation just shuts down at that point when they were previously chatty. But that's not harassment, that's just someone who doesn't matter disagreeing with my choice. I might start claiming to be a teacher at a nearby school, but I'm no good at lying. ;)

 

I think if you go looking to be offended and act like everyone who questions you, shows confusion or disagrees with you is harassing you, then yes, you'll need to get used to be "harassed".

[Momof3littles]

Hmmm, not harassed, but I've suddenly gotten the cold shoulder in a conversation that was previously going well. It has sometimes left me surprised at the sudden turn in the conversation.  I am better at buffering that or redirecting now, but I have definitely felt negativity.  I have had a conversation or two suddenly turn into an interrogation, and I'm not talking about well-meaning curiosity.  People automatically assume things like we HS for religious reasons, for example,and then instantly paint us into a box they have in their mind.  When I lived in a state with a large % of HSers, people rarely seemed surprised. I also once had a good friend who was a teacher  tell me I would ruin my children's lives if I homeschooled.  She now homeschools her kids and we are good friends to this day :)

 

I have gotten a lot of positive comments too, and I've seen an uptick in that in the last few years.  Maybe people are starting to understand that there is more diversity than their once was, and some HS stereotypes are being overturned?, or they are frustrated by what they are seeing in PS.  I don't know.  I feel like people have been more open-minded about it in the last 2-3 years.   I've had teachers and former teachers comment positively more often than I recall in the past.

 

I also live in a tightly regulated state, and it can be frustrating, because SDs overstep pretty regularly with their opinions vs. the law.  Even if you know you are in the clear, following the law, etc. there is a certain amount of stress in knowing someone else's opinion can make your life more difficult.  That isn't harassment, but it does add a layer of stress IMO.  And you can be HSing in a district that handles things well, and then there's a personnel change that suddenly results in new demands and overreach.  It isn't a huge deal, but it can be stressful knowing you may have to stick up for your rights and push back.

 

But harassed? No, I wouldn't say that.

[Paige]

I don't recall ever feeling harassed. We've had negative comments and criticisms, but that's not the same thing. 

[G5052]

I wouldn't use the word "harassed" at all.  Certainly people have made comments about ruining my children, but just shots-across-the-bow comments.  Nothing tough to deal with.  

 

I had a neighbor ten years ago that periodically muttered about calling CPS because "homeschooling can't be legal."  I didn't engage her, but was just told that, actually it is legal.  And gradually she changed.

 

Now with teens, I haven't heard that kind of comment in a long time.  I guess that people figure we know what we're doing at this point.

 

And yes, there is some fear mongering by homeschool organizations.  Some of them like to make you think that you're going to be all alone and in trouble if you don't join them.  The reality is that most homeschoolers get through those years with no problems at all.

[Reefgazer]

We're fairly new homeschoolers (this is only our second year), but my DD has recently had some issues regarding a social situation, and one person is blaming it all on homeschooling and "isolation" of DD.  DD isn't isolated, not by a longshot. but that's apparently the perception.

[Soror]

Harassed no, people have sometimes made lame comments and I get negative vibes from some people but generally they are too polite or such to say anything to my face.

[lil' maids in a row]

No, I have never felt harassed. I try to be enthusiastic and positive about what other people's kids are learning and where they are learning it, and they tend to be positive when we talk about homeschooling.

[kentuckymom]

The comments so far are reinforcing my initial thought that this particular mom is either very sensitive, has been conditioned to expect harassment, and/or has encountered some really unusual people/situations. I felt kind of bad for the new homeschool mom she was advising, who seemed kind of stressed. Hopefully she'll talk to some of the other longer term homeschool moms in the class, who don't seem to feel harassed.

[kitten18]

Never

[Pink and Green Mom]

Never.  And I'm not sure I've ever gotten any negative comments either.  I get a lot of "wow, I don't have the discipline to do that" or "what a wonderful thing to be able to do for your children."

[Guest]

No. I almost never feel harassed. There was one SIL who, particularly in my first years as a hser, criticized my decision often, but she is also an itch in general. Another family member attacked me about hsing once when we were arguing about another matter, but she has changed her mind since.

 

In terms of the general public, I have had a few people who apparently think ill of hsing, who asked me in an aggressive fashion why I would do such a strange thing, but I don't really feel "harassed" by such people. I just think they value different things than I do and we wouldn't see eye-to-eye even if I did not homeschool.

 

ETA: I am a veteran hser. I have hsed since 2002.

[Lady Florida.]

Never. Ds is now in 11th grade, and has been homeschooled from the start, so we've been at this a long time. 

[Danestress]

No. When I was a working mother I had people say some pretty ugly things (and I didn't even work long hours). As a homeschool Mom, I have mostly had questions and praise.

[EKS]

Never harassed, and really, never any negative comments (which has surprised me).  I will sometimes get the "I wouldn't have the patience to homeschool" comment, to which I reply "Me neither."

[Amira]

We've homeschooled for over 10 years in 4 different states, usually in more than one city in each of those states, plus two other countries, one of which didn't technically allow homeschooling.  I've never had a negative comment about homeschooling, much less harassment or persecution.  Bemusement, yes.  Confusion, definitely, especially in Kyrgyzstan.  Lots of comments about how someone else couldn't homeschool, of course.  But never anything negative. Not once.

[happypamama]

I do not. I've never been harrassed at all for homeschooling, aside from one clueless cashier who, when my DD was three, asked why I would homeschool when public school was free. There are a lot of homeschoolers in my area though.

[J-rap]

No, never.

[Lawana]

Never harassed. Encountered many persons with negative opinions of homeschooling, but no one has ever even told me I was ruining my kids. Heard lots and lots of "I could never homeschool my kids," and "What about socialization," and "How will they get into college."

[Veritaserum]

Most people react positively. Sometimes the reaction is neutral. The most negative reactions generally have to do with concerns about socialization.

[Desert Strawberry]

Not everyone agrees with our choice, but that's always true.

 

I do tend to stick with my own kind, because I can't relate to school moms. We have different schedules and different joys and challenges. D say a he hears more criticism of homeschooling at work, but he hears criticism of everything. He works with some grouchy old men. 

 

In general, ime, homeschooling is accepted and held in high regard. It's quite common here, and the schools are generally not excellent. It's common enough that the standard question we get while out during the day is "Do you homeschool?" Usually followed by "So do/did we, our daughter, my sister, etc." It's not weird at all.

 

 

[Dmmetler]

Not harassed, but sometimes I feel like I just beamed in from The Homeschool Nebula or something, and get a lot of questions. I also get a lot of "oh, my friend homeschools, do you know her?"

 

From what I hear from parents, it gets harder if you homeschool high school, but at age 9, it's fairly accepted as a valid option.

 

And there's the other side, too-one of the PS moms at tumbling brought a stack of 1st grade materials that were sent home with her son at the end of last school year, to see if any of us could use them. Apparently, the school buys a ton of work texts for each kid, which then weren't used much if at all. We have PS teachers who let us do book club orders with them or who invite our kids to special events at the school. I was actually a room mother for one of DD's friends when she was in 2nd grade (her older brother was having a lot of psychiatric issues at the time, and her parents couldn't take time off work, so the teacher let me come instead, and actively accepted DD as part of the class for field trips and the like. When DD won a local homeschool spelling bee, the clipping appeared on the "see what our students did" board in that class.

[Greta]

I'm in my tenth year of homeschooling, and in all those years I've received precisely one negative comment (which did not even remotely approach "harassment") and one obviously negative facial expression though the only verbal response was "oh" (and that was from a public school teacher - I didn't take it personally because I understand how a teacher might feel judged/rejected by homeschooling, even though that's not my intention).

 

The vast majority of the reactions I've received have been very positive, but I'm sure that's in large part because I live in an area with some of the worst (or the *very* worst, depending on how you measure) schools in the nation, so homeschooling here is quite common.

 

The single most common response I get from other mothers is, "Oh, I could never do that!" or its variation, "Oh, I would never have the patience to do that!" And even though I've heard this dozens upon dozens of times over the last ten years, and even though I am absolutely guaranteed to hear it again, I still don't know how to respond to this! What are they expecting/hoping to hear after saying this? I truly don't know. I mean, it's not like a sat down one day and suddenly realized, "you know, I'm blessed with superhuman patience, therefore I should homeschool!" Um, no. No. I saw that my daughter would benefit more from homeschooling than from attending the local p.s. therefore I *tried* to develop the skills and habits necessary to best accomplish that. To what degree I failed or succeeded, I'll let my daughter be the judge.

 

How do you guys respond to that one?

[Guest]

Also, to the OP, I hope you do have the opportunity to hs in the future. My DH was against it at first. I would say he was pretty grudging about it for two years. He started to lighten up partly as he saw that our kids were not friendless weirdos and partly as he saw that there is a vibrant hsing community, so it was not isolated as he first thought.

[fairfarmhand]

NOPE>

 

Never even had a negative thing said to me about it. Not from family, not from strangers.

 

Either that or I am so oblivious to such things that it doesn't register.

 

But I have met homeschoolers who had a chip on their shoulder about it. A well-meaning question about homeschooling is interpreted as criticism.

 

Most of our interactions are at the least neutral or positive.

 

My dd met a college kid at church last week who told her, "Oh wow! You don't seem anything at all like a homeschooled kid!" I wasn't sure how she meant it!

[Greta]

And there's the other side, too-one of the PS moms at tumbling brought a stack of 1st grade materials that were sent home with her son at the end of last school year, to see if any of us could use them. Apparently, the school buys a ton of work texts for each kid, which then weren't used much if at all. We have PS teachers who let us do book club orders with them or who invite our kids to special events at the school. I was actually a room mother for one of DD's friends when she was in 2nd grade (her older brother was having a lot of psychiatric issues at the time, and her parents couldn't take time off work, so the teacher let me come instead, and actively accepted DD as part of the class for field trips and the like. When DD won a local homeschool spelling bee, the clipping appeared on the "see what our students did" board in that class.

Wow, how nice!

[kewb]

Personally, no, I have never felt persecuted or harassed.  Have I had the occasional negative comment? Yes.  

I can't say whether or not my experiences are the norm statewide.

[kentuckymom]

Also, to the OP, I hope you do have the opportunity to hs in the future. My DH was against it at first. I would say he was pretty grudging about it for two years. He started to lighten up partly as he saw that our kids were not friendless weirdos and partly as he saw that there is a vibrant hsing community, so it was not isolated as he first thought.

 

Thanks, though it seems unlikely at this point. As I said, we know two homeschooling families well. DH agrees that their kids are turning out well, aren't really weird (or at least no weirder than they would be not matter their school situation :)), and have plenty of social opportunities. He doesn't begrudge homeschooling being a good choice for those particular families. However, he has all kinds of reasons (some I consider valid challenges) for thinking that public school is the right choice for our particular family. The good news is that, unlike when I first got interested in homeschooling, Squirrelboy is thriving in school and mostly enjoys it. He does, however, still ask regularly to be homeschooled like his best friend.

[Guest]

The single most common response I get from other mothers is, "Oh, I could never do that!" or its variation, "Oh, I would never have the patience to do that!" And even though I've heard this dozens upon dozens of times over the last ten years, and even though I am absolutely guaranteed to hear it again, I still don't know how to respond to this! What are they expecting/hoping to hear after saying this? I truly don't know. I mean, it's not like a sat down one day and suddenly realized, "you know, I'm blessed with superhuman patience, therefore I should homeschool!" Um, no. No. I saw that my daughter would benefit more from homeschooling than from attending the local p.s. therefore I *tried* to develop the skills and habits necessary to best accomplish that. To what degree I failed or succeeded, I'll let my daughter be the judge.

Ah, yes. This has got to be *THE* number-one comment I have heard, along with the "not patient" variation, and the "not organized" variation. When it is "not patient," I most often say that I am NOT patient, either. Truly. I am no Michelle Duggar, with the sweet, kind whisper-voice. I'm Type A, slightly insane, occasionally a drill sergeant, and have been know to say I get by with my Zoloft prescription. ;)

 

Once in a while, i have replied, " Well, I think people can pretty much make a go of anything they decide to, and if you wanted to hs, you could. You may not want to - that is fine. The world needs vanilla and strawberry ice cream."

 

P.s. At least you have the "bad public schools" defense. The public schools here are some of the best in the country. Try defending *that* one.

[beaners]

We haven't been harassed because we homeschool. I mean, no one egged our house or spraypainted our dog or anything. We've gotten a lot of "Oh, well you know the kids will be BLAH BLAH BLAH if you don't send them to school." Lots of weird personal comments or questions from complete strangers. (Actually, I attract those on every topic, not just homeschooling.) It is definitely a different reaction than when someone asks where your kids go to school and you answer with District X. 

[Greta]

But I have met homeschoolers who had a chip on their shoulder about it. A well-meaning question about homeschooling is interpreted as criticism.

I have met homeschoolers like this too too, and in fact I've encountered this more often than the negativity that they seem to be (over)reacting to.

 

I'm very grateful that when I was the one asking the "dumb" questions (but what about socialization???) someone took the time to patiently and kindly answer, rather than responding as if I'd just attacked or insulted them.

[zoobie]

No. I rarely have that kind of interaction with anyone on any topic. Maybe she needs to work on her BRF?

[Joanne]

Harassed or persecuted? No. I lived and homeschooled in AZ and TX and never felt that.

 

I did have a hyper alert radar for criticism about homeschooling, though, that skewed my perception of people's inquiries and discussion.

[Desert Strawberry]

I will say that when we first decided to homeschool, when Sagg was 2 or 3, we got a lot of criticism. Mostly from my fellow university students who were just utterly clueless and full of opinions, and from family members who had well-intended but misguided concerns. Once we actually got started, and my children blossomed into well-behaved, secure, socially engaging, well-behaved little boys, all of that nonsense stopped. 

 

It's fear of the unknown and a crippling lack of imagination that leaves people at a loss about homeschooling. If we accept that children need school to learn basic life skills, and school is removed, the poor kids are left with...what? We don't know. 

[texasmama]

Harrassment as a term is probably hyperbole.

 

Not once has anyone ever harassed or persecuted me for homeschooling.  I don't even know how to imagine what that would look like.

 

People have expressed ignorant opinions based on misinformation, usually not even in a rude manner.  One person asked me if I am crazy.  That is the extent of the bad treatment here. 

[Guest]

When I was a homeschooled student in the 80s and 90s, we were definitely weird and met with a lot of :confused1: :confused1:  type reactions. But only one case of what I'd call outright harassment, when a neighbor with a grudge reported us to CPS. This being TX, they sent us a letter asking if we were complying with the law, my mother filled out the form basically saying yes, but not detailing in what way. She sent it back and that was the end of it. They didn't call or come by. Apparently the neighbor was at least honest in that she didn't claim any abuse was going on, just that crazy homeschooling business.

 

As a homeschooling mom, no, I've never felt harassed. I have an education discount card at B&N and when the employees find out I'm a homeschooler, I frequently feel like they are judging a bit. Not all, but some. The conversation just shuts down at that point when they were previously chatty. But that's not harassment, that's just someone who doesn't matter disagreeing with my choice. I might start claiming to be a teacher at a nearby school, but I'm no good at lying. ;)

 

I think if you go looking to be offended and act like everyone who questions you, shows confusion or disagrees with you is harassing you, then yes, you'll need to get used to be "harassed".

 

I noticed the same thing at B&N!!  Weird!

[Moxie]

Really, the only negative feelings I've ever gotten about our school choices have been from homeschoolers when I decided to put my 4yo in PreK.  Whatever.

 

What I do hear A LOT is, "Oh, I wanted to homeschool but DH thought it was a bad idea".

[Greta]

Ah, yes. This has got to be *THE* number-one comment I have heard, along with the "not patient" variation, and the "not organized" variation. When it is "not patient," I most often say that I am NOT patient, either. Truly. I am no Michelle Duggar, with the sweet, kind whisper-voice. I'm Type A, slightly insane, occasionally a drill sergeant, and have been know to say I get by with my Zoloft prescription. ;)

 

Once in a while, i have replied, " Well, I think people can pretty much make a go of anything they decide to, and if you wanted to hs, you could. You may not want to - that is fine. The world needs vanilla and strawberry ice cream."

That's a great way of handling it. Thanks!

 

P.s. At least you have the "bad public schools" defense. The public schools here are some of the best in the country. Try defending *that* one.

Yeah, I can imagine that would make things vastly more complicated! Of course, parents here who do have their kids in p.s. do *not* want to hear "awful public schools" as any sort of justification for homeschooling, so I just don't go there with people who have school age kids. But the parents of older (grown) kids here have often responded very positively when I've said that we homeschool (before I've given any reason - I don't offer a reason unless asked) and said things like they wish they had done that with their kids, or that the schools are even worse now than when their kids were in them, etc. In fact, one of the reasons I started to seriously consider homeschooling was because a doctor that I saw when my daughter was just three told me "If you love her, don't let her go to public school here. It ruined my kids of any desire to learn or accomplish anything. Not one of them went on to college, and one dropped out of high school." And this was a doctor, so a parent who obviously valued education! It made quite an impact on me.