How do you politely tell someone you don't want to restart a relationship?

[Mama Geek]

This is another of those Facebook things.  I had a rather needy college friend that years ago wanted me to come visit her while I was on vacation in the state where she lived.  It was 2 1/2 hours away from where we were and dh and I planned to spend a day with her and drive the 5 hours to do so.  On the day we were going to go we called several times throughout the morning and were not able to get in touch with her.  Late that afternoon she called and said she couldn't make it, I don't even remember why now, but she couldn't return a phone call early in the day to say it wasn't going to work out.  It wasn't an emergency or I would have totally understood that.  I am so beyond these types of friendships now.

 

She contacted me by Facebook a few days ago and now wants me to visit her when we are in the state again which happens a couple of times a year and she wants my current phone number.  I really just don't want to go back down this road.  How do I politely let her know that I am just not interested in starting this back up?

[saw]

I would give a neutral response about not being sure when you're in state again. Then adjust your settings on Facebook to prevent her from seeing your posts (different from unfriending and blocking). Just ignore the request for the phone number. It sounds like she lives too far away from you to be in your life unless you put in the effort, so just don't put in the effort.

 

[Mama Geek]

We haven't even friended each other on Facebook, she is just sending PM's.

[Aiden]

How direct do you want to be?

 

If you want to be very direct and have her get the message clearly that you don't want a relationship with her: "I'm sorry, but that isn't going to work. My husband and I devoted time and energy to seeing you last time you wanted us to visit you, but you blew us off and showed that you weren't all that interested in us. We aren't going to do that again."

 

If you want to be less direct but still (maybe, eventually) get the point across: Every time she sends a message like that, ignore the request for your phone number and say "I'm sorry, our schedule is booked solid this trip. We won't have time to come down/over/up to your place."

 

If you are willing to give her another chance but want to put the ball in her court: "I'm sorry, we won't have time to drive to your place this trip. However, if you'd like to come see us, Hubby and I will be visiting X location on X day/time, and you're welcome to join us." The key is to make sure that you'll enjoy X with or without her, so it doesn't actually derail your day or your trip if she doesn't show up, and then do whatever you told her you were going to do whether she shows up or not, unless she lets you know that she's on her way but will be (a little) late (for a decent reason). This option would require you to give her a way to contact you, though, and if you're really not interested, it may not be worth giving her that "in."

[OneStepAtATime]

Agree with everything Saw and Aiden say.  

[VaKim]

I just ignore things like that. If I am honestly not interested in having a relationship with the person, and I don't live near them, or have to interact with them in any way in daily life, I just ignore and delete. I have also blocked people on there. That way, they can't contact me anymore.

[FriedClams]

"That's a really thoughtful offer, but it won't work for us this trip." Then let it go.

[marbel]

I'd be inclined to ignore it altogether but if you don't feel you can do that, you could say (as a pp said) that you don't know when you'll be in her state again.  Don't give your phone number. I would not let her know when you are going to be there and I wouldn't invite her to anything even if seems like it might be convenient to you.  If she blew you off once, she will probably do it again. 

[Aiden]

You know, I stand by my post earlier about the 3 different ways you could handle this situation, depending on whether you want to give her another chance and how direct you want to be, but I also can't help but compare this to a thread that was started soon after this one--in that one, the poster laments that a friend decided to cut off the relationship and never told her why, and it still hurts. I don't think that situation parallels this one exactly, as it sounds like the OP here doesn't currently have a relationship with the "friend," so it shouldn't be as hurtful if what little relationship there is just fades away with no explanation. At the same time, however, I wonder if it might not be kinder--though much more difficult--to tell this person why you're cutting off any hope of a relationship. From your perspective, it's quite clear: this person doesn't value your relationship, your time, or your effort, and you aren't going to waste your time or effort on a relationship that means little to you and nothing to her. From her perspective, however, I doubt that she even knows that her behavior bothered you. She sounds rather self-centered, and it probably hasn't even crossed her mind that her behavior is not acceptable in a friendship. Even if she doesn't take it to heart, would it be kinder to her in the long run to let her hear--politely and without undue emotion--how her behavior is responsible for the demise of this friendship?

 

I don't know the answer ... and I really hate conflict ... and the very idea of me telling someone explicitly why I don't want to be friends makes my stomach clench ... so I may well choose to just "be busy" and let the relationship fade until she stops asking. But I do wonder, if I were the self-centered one who couldn't keep a friend and didn't understand why--wouldn't it be better if someone told me that, so I had the opportunity to re-evaluate my behavior and maybe change it?

 

(And to the poster of the other thread, if you happen to be reading here--I am NOT saying that you must have been self-centered or that the demise of your friendship was your fault. We can't know what went wrong because the former friend won't say. I'm just reiterating what I understood from the other thread, which is that *you* would view it as a relief to know what went wrong in that relationship, and I know I'd feel the same way, so I'm wondering if it might not be kinder in this situation to provide that information to this individual.)

[Mama Geek]

Deborah, thank your for your post.  You put into words a lot of what I feel too and I have read the other thread as well.  Maybe I should have said my peace years ago, but that is one of the hazards of being young.  I am not hurt over it anymore and just don't want to move forward with the relationship.  

 

I am still trying to figure out what I am going to do and am leaning towards saying I don't know when we will be back in town and not giving her a phone number, or just ignoring the message all together.

[goldberry]

There's some meme out there... don't cross rivers for people that wouldn't jump puddles for you? I used to cross a lot of rivers and now I'm more cautious with how I spend my time.

 

Amen.

[Word Nerd]

I don't think you can politely tell someone that. No matter how nicely you word it, if you tell someone you aren't interested in pursuing or continuing any kind of relationship and don't value their friendship, it's going to hurt or at least be uncomfortable unless they don't care about you or your friendship. It's just the nature of ending relationships.

[gardenmom5]

if you don't want an irl relationship with her - why is she a facebook friend?

 

simply tell her visiting while in the same state as her  (especially 2 1/2 hours away) - 'that doesn't work for me'.  you don't need to give a reason why.

same with the phone #.  if the question is via facebook - it should be easy to ignore. if asked directly, "I'd prefer to not give it out'.  you don't need to give a reason.

 

and it can be better to give a "no, that won't work" than just ignore.  some people will take that as a 'yes'.  (however, ignoring a request for a phone # isn't going to get you any phone calls as she can't call you.)

[zoobie]

If you're not even FB friends with her, I'd reply some vague "okay--I'll check back in if I have extra time on a trip in the future. Take care!" Which is polite yet nonconfrontational and doesn't waste any emotional energy. It's weird she wants to meet up but hasn't even "friended" you.