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Having a tough mama time. Ds went back to ps. He was suppose to go last year, but we did one more year at home last year. Ds is having a tough time, esp. with math because he doesn't have all his multiplication memorized. Every night he gets upset and tells me he wants to quit school and come home. He's having a hard time adjusting to the day.

Dh said tonight I should have made school harder last year, so he wouldn't want to come back. That does not help me or anyone.

I spoke with his teacher, she said they will test ds and see if qualifies for extra help. I don't know what schedule that will be on.

I am working extra with him at home, trying to focus on what they are covering. I was reading some other posts, and think maybe I will preview math work with him, and see if that helps.

I don't have any hs friends around here to talk this out with. I'm feeling a bit sad for my son, and think he deserves compassion, and it breaks my heart.

 

Just needed to get that out.

 

More about ds. Reading has been a long journey, though he will read for enjoyment now. Haven't pushed him for speed, because I've been hoping to get him to a point where it isnt cumbersome to get through a page. He enjoys books on cd.

Math, he gets it, but has a hard time with recall. Simple addition he has not memorized, and takes him longer than I think it should to produce an answer. He said in math class now, at ps, that the other kids know the answers and he has to calculate it, and it takes him longer.

I am battling to keep his self esteem.

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I just lost my huge reply.

 

So let me sum it up.

In 1st, they dx him with developmental delay, nothing specific other than my noticing that his fluency needed to improve so he could understand what he was reading.

He was tested with the wisc-iv test. He scored low, low average on IQ and auditory testing, and better on subtest, visual tests. They said he was compliant, but got easily distracted, and I imagine he was bored and didn't want to give it his attention.

He couldn't repeat verbatim very well. He did have some speech issues at the time, mispronouncing w/l, w/r, etc, and I think he has improved, outgrown those things. He still misuses grammar, like the appropriate tense of a word he qualified for speech and language, then.

 

He can tell a long story, sometimes with many details, but I wouldn't ask him to write it. Sometimes my aunt would type up his stories as he would tell them. He liked that, but I don't do that.

 

What we've used at home seems to be alright. I try to choose things, after looking at a million things, that are geared towards his learning styles. AAR 1 & 2, Some AAS, singapore math, we tried easy grammar and daily grams last year, that was nice and quick, and got the point across ... A beka for science and history. I haven't been pushy with him, as he would just shut down in school, and it took some time for him to not do that with me.

 

Now, he is back in ps this year, and it's only been two weeks. I can see he is nervous. I think he gets anxious. None of these are going to help confidence. I did hold him at 4th grade because I didn't think he is emotionally or academically ready for fifth. So, I think he is putting too much weight on that, and just needs to focus on doing the best he can.

 

Dh hated school, always. Reading was very difficult for him. But, he felt we should have done "school at home" for equivalent hours.... which I did to a degree (school at home, but not the hours) and it takes the fun out of learning. I don't see the point of working 4-8 hours when we can be done in 2 or 3.

I'm not perfect, but I did try. I think ds needs compassion not tough luck.

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Greetings!  and hugs, like 4evercanuks said.

 

A few things I would address...who did the evaluation?  Was it through a school?  Neuropsychologist?  Since the eval was a few years ago and there were some questions left unanswered perhaps, might you consider getting another one?  Not through the school unless they have a phenomenal reputation for really great, in depth evals of kids with specific learning issues (not just a general LD eval for an IEP).  Getting solid answers on exactly where his underlying strengths and weaknesses are right now might really help.

 

And I agree with you, your child absolutely needs compassion, not tough luck.  100%.  Hugs to you, Mom.  I love DH but he tends to be of the just let 'em suck it up, they'll be fine category.  And he struggled in school, too.

 

For the record, (and a large portion of my family are ps teachers and I have substitute taught in the ps system so I am speaking from direct knowledge and/or experience), the kids in ps are not doing 4-8 hours of work at school.  They have to change classes, go to lunch, do administrative stuff, wait for teachers to deal with discipline issues, etc. etc.  Honestly, on a good day they MIGHT get 4 hours of work in, including P.E., but mostly I don't even think that much happens.  Not even close.  

 

FWIW, I have all the textbooks/workbooks/supplemental material that my kids were using from 2nd grade through 5th grade at their school (I had to reteach nearly everything because they were undiagnosed stealth dyslexics).  When we pulled my son out of school mid-2nd grade, he actually went back and re-did the first half of the 2nd grade curriculum with me AND kept going to complete the entire school issued curriculum AND did the entire 2nd grade Time for Learning curriculum on-line in 3 months.  And we were only working 2-3 hours a day.  Why?  Because one on one instruction covers a LOT more ground in a much shorter period of time than learning in a classroom setting.  PS teachers are fighting an uphill battle every day to get solid instruction time in and then give the kids a chance to practice what they are supposed to be learning.  There is a ton of inefficiency in the system, lots of wasted time.  Nature of the beast.

 

If your husband struggled with reading and your child is a reluctant reader, is it possible they are both dyslexic?  Scientific data is showing there is probably a strong genetic component to dyslexia.  My DH is dyslexic, but nobody knew that when he was struggling in school.  

 

You might read the book The Mislabeled Child by Brock and Fernette Eide to try and find some answers.  

 

Also, if you suspect stealth dyslexia you might read the information on this site:

http://www.bartonreading.com/dys.html

 

There are other, more detailed resources for info on Dyslexia but the Barton site has a video and is quick to skim through, plus it is free :).

 

Huge hugs, Mom.  I know it is really hard to see your child struggling without an easy way to fix it.  You aren't alone.  And you definitely posted on the right board.  Pretty much everyone here has faced that at one point or is currently facing that with their own child(ren).   :grouphug:

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RedRiver, if I could suggest, go in and formally request the evals in writing and get the process started on an IEP.  That's what the teacher is saying she'll do, but this can drag out a long time.  You have legal rights if you go in and request it yourself IN WRITING.  Get the Nolo book on it (The Complete IEP Guide), learn how it works, and get it done.  He sounds like he'll be eligible for speech therapy, a psych eval, and maybe more.  

 

Don't delay because the process takes a while.  They have 60 days from the written request to complete evals, then another month to do this and more to do that.  The sooner you formally request that and get it started, the sooner they start giving him interventions and making changes.

 

School is a hard thing.  Does he have to go back?  It sounds like you were making progress with him and had a positive attitude.  Those are precious things and it's a shame to lose them.  No, "suck up Buttercup" doesn't solve everything.  The casualty can be the child, because the train of the system is going to keep right on going on.  If you can bring him home, it would certainly be reasonable.  YOU are the ultimate IEP.  You can still do the IEP and access services, even if you bring him home.  (or at least you can in our state)  He might need some speech therapy, for instance.  If they have services like that, I'd definitely take advantage of them.  If you can bring him home, it's not a cop-out.  It's choosing what's best for him long-term.  Long-term, being a happy learner with forward momentum, joy, and a knowledge of your place in the world and that you have a gift to give (and time to develop whatever it is) is what matters.

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Dh is pretty set that he has to go back and stay there, and that eventually he'll get used to it. I think he feels that we don't cover enough at home, and maybe we don't, but I don't want to waste time on stuff he's not interested in. I focus on the basics, and then things he likes. Dh also feels he needs to make friends, because since we moved last year, ds has hardly a friend. I tried over the last year, but nothing has stuck with those he did get along with. He tends to get along better with kids his age or a touch younger. We have no neighbors with kids, and we live in a rural area. Town is not far, but the few friends there haven't maintained connection. It feels weird to call parents and ask for get togethers after so much time has passed.

I had come to be ok, with him going back. It was getting harder to work at home, but most days were good. The tough times at home are usually when something isn't sinking in, ds doesn't pay attention, and I have to explain all over several times. It's gets frustrating for me, and sometimes we just take a break, and revisit it the next day. I think there are a lot of first child, have to get it right feelings, mixed with his issues of not always being to process, process fast enough, etc. (school at home methods also make it feel tedious, but help me know that we are covering new learning.)

I had been trying over the last months of school (til may) to get him to work more independently, and he was. But now, he's not understanding their method of instruction and wants to come home, which is probably not going to happen.

I just feel so frustrated, and want to help him, and let him know that he is smart despite how he may feel.

 

On a note of joy, yesterday, he asked what he could do to learn more about history, and said he likes it. I remember some books I had gotten from the homeschool library, so I'm going to see if I can look them up today.

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I am not sure his grade, but I would tell him, he may feel like he is the only one who doesn't know all his math facts, but it is not true.  There are other kids in his class who don't know them as well.  I am so confident that this is a fact.  He may not know who they are, but it is not only him.  

 

His teacher does not sound like he/she is doing a good job if he/she does not let kids have fact charts or something available to help them with their math facts.  Also, as they go through work, they can just say out what the math facts are instead of skipping that step.  I might very nicely say I thought it would really help my son and hope for the teacher to agree.  

 

I would also work on math facts at home and make sure the teacher knows your son is working on math facts at home.  It will help the teacher's attitude if you check in with him/her and let him/her know, that your son is really working hard on math facts at home, and just having slow progress, but it is not that he is not bothering.  

 

You need to ask for the testing IN WRITING.  If you are asking verbally, it is all very informal and they can get to it whenever, and it may take months.  You need to ask in writing and follow up if you do not here about it being scheduled.  If you google things like "request an evaluation IEP" or look for library books with IEP in the title, you can see sample letter templates, and just substitute your personal information in.  It is no big deal and not difficult, but, at the same time, it is how things are done and if you don't do it that way, it will seem like you don't really think it is a big deal.  

 

Your husband sounds like he is in denial.  Did your husband have trouble in school?  Was he told harsh things at the time?  If so -- well, that is the case with my husband to some extent.  He internalized the harsh things he was told and thinks that is the way to be.  It was a very shameful thing in his family to have a hard time, it was better to think it was an attitude problem.  I can see reasons it made sense, but it is not what I want to hand down to this generation.  It may totally not be what is going on, he may just be not on the same page with you, but if this is the situation, it is one a lot of people do have.  Personally I have had to take over some things that my husband would usually be involved with, b/c it was not stuff my husband could deal with well.  Since my son is doing better (after doing remediation and me advocating at school, also maturity, also just hard work and a lot of luck) it is less stressful for my son, he does not see him as repeating his school experience and feeling helpless or whatever.  I don't really know, I just know he was saying blustery kinds of things that confused and hurt me, b/c it was not really in character for him or supportive of me or my son, and it is really not the kind of person I thought he was (or that he is).  It was just not something he dealt with well.  

 

Of course your son deserves your compassion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  He can have your compassion while you still require him to do what you think is best for him.  It is hard, but you can do it.  But to have your heart in it, you need to believe in the things you are requiring him to do.  If your heart is not in it, it will be extremely difficult to provide the follow-through needed.  If your heart cannot be in it I think maybe you could pray for a way forward and maybe decide not to send him to public school or make so many hours of his day be about remediation (or whatever).  But if your heart is in supporting him as he attends public school and working with him, you can do that and you can still have compassion for him.  You do not have to be uncompassionate, it would not even be good!  But you need to feel like you are not being too mean or harsh, and that his life is not too hard.  If you believe those things -- then I think something needs to change.  

 

He sounds like he has dyslexia to me.  I totally agree with checking into Barton reading.

 

I also agree about kids at public school doing 3-4 hours of work.  I get my son's daily schedule, and he has 3 blocks.  He has reading block and he has math block.  He has a block that is 2 weeks of science and then 2 weeks of social studies.  The blocks are a little over an hour each.  The rest of the time he is eating lunch, outside playing, having indoor recess, going to specials (art, music, PE), going to assemblies (they are having a magazine fundraiser now, which will involve multiple assemblies), going to computer lab, going to the library, and having parties.  There are a lot of reward parties at his school so he really does have quite a few.  There are marble parties at least once a month (for the class filling the marble jar with good behavior) and a monthly RC party for students who have made their Reading Counts points quota.  But yeah, 3-4 hours of reading, math, and science or social studies.  

 

I am a public school parent here, I believe in it, I believe it is the best choice for my kids right now, I believe I am able to advocate for them, I believe I am able to work with them at home b/c I also believe the school is unable to meet all their needs.  For me to believe those things depends on myself, my son, but it does also depend on teachers and administrators at his school.  I am lucky I have done pretty well with them, and think he is in a kind school, they take the anti-bullying program very seriously, etc.  But they are not perfect.  But, I am very happy we are able to make it work.  But that is not how it is for everyone or even what everyone wants.  

 

But if you are going to be a public school parent, you have probably got to do things like write letters requesting evaluations, go in and talk to the teacher/s, advocate, speak up for your son, watch out for your son, etc.  

 

I also, and this is kind-of sad, went to marriage counseling with my husband, and one of the big issues was that we were following into roles where my husband thought I was a softy with my son, and that my husband was forced into the role of enforcer or "person who has standards" b/c he thought I was not willing, and he did not like that he felt like I forced him into it.  But I did not think I was being a softy.  But -- there were a couple of things I could compromise on that went a long way with my husband, and my husband did have an open mind to some extent.  

 

It is hard though when an example of how I am soft is that I still read to him at bedtime.  Hello!  An 8-year-old reluctant reader!  And I should stop reading to him????????????  But it turned out this was something we were having some miscommunication about.  

 

But anyway -- we are in a pretty good place now.  But, I have had to stick to what I thought was right, not just go along with my husband.  But then -- that is not being cooperative, and that is not good.  It is hard but I can say marriage counseling helped, and also time passing and my son not needing as much remediation has helped, and my husband having more time to be open to what is going on and not what he wishes was going on.

 

But just b/c he wishes it was some invented problem created by you, or that your son is a baby who has been too coddled and has an attitude problem -------- that does not make those things true.  But it was very bad for our marriage when we were divided.  But then it wasn't that bad, b/c we only went to two sessions and saw improvement.

 

So, me me me, but it is hard when you are dealing with your son, and then you are dealing with not being on the same page as your husband.  But personally I feel I must, while keeping an open mind, do what is best for my kids, and not give in to my husband if he thinks I am too easy.  But I have also had to work not to gate keep and to trust my husband.  But he also had to earn my trust, but I also had to allow him the chance to earn my trust.  But -- I don't know, it was not too hard, I think we had both just been avoiding it.  Also some more issues than just this, but this was a main one.  It was after my husband came back from a deployment and we also had some re-adjustment problems, the kind where the marriage counselors who work with soldiers are really pretty good imo.  

 

Edit:  I also did have to see my husband's side and be stricter about things. It is hard to be strict with a child you feel sorry for.  For me -- it is part accepting that it is how it is and that I can still expect my son to work hard and do his best.  It is part thinking he has a lot of things going for him and that he does not have situations that are inappropriately difficult or demoralizing for his age.  But then my husband was right about me being stricter in some areas, and it was things I can agree are reasonable, and that is a sign of goodwill to my husband etc etc.  I have come to see it is really important to not let my son make excuses. I can feel for him and be on his side, and also not let him make excuses.  But that is separate from leaving him in a bad situation without trying to take steps, or with working with him.

 

There is a story in a book I read, where the woman feels sorry for her son and does not make him work as hard at his difficult subjects.  Then she realizes she should not feel sorry for him, and accept that he will need to work harder and longer, and just deal with it.  That is not exactly what was going on, but I think it is true.  But at the same time, kids can't get beat down, it is not good for them.  But there is a middle ground I try for, with reasonable expectations, not too hard and not too easy.  Then that saying about how if kids only know failure, they will learn they are failures.  But if they learn they don't have to try, they will never try.  They should learn that with hard work they are able to make progress.  

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redriver, I'm sorry you are struggling with this. We have always homeschooled, but we may not always do so, and I imagine that I will have very mixed feelings if and when the children enter school. Do your best to help your son adjust, request the formal evaluations so that he can get the help he needs at school, and try to take care of yourself. It is a big adjustment for you as well as for your son.

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I am going to add, this is something that helped with my son.  My son does not qualify for extra help with math, he is actually good at math.  He is not so hot at computation, but the way they have the testing, if you know what is going on but are not good at computation, then here you do not qualify.  

 

But, they had space in Extended-Day Learning even though my son did not "qualify."  Well, his math teacher and homeroom teacher thought it would be good for him, and me, too.  He just did not "qualify" by test score.  

 

But, he was able to go anyway, 2 days a week after school, and the teacher in there was SO nice and she somehow got him on the right track.  He did a computer program and I think she put it on easy and gave him a lot of incentives.  He started to make some progress then, and then he started Reflex math at home (another computer program).  Then he did great with Reflex for a few months.  Now he hates it and I am printing practice sheets for him.  He used to hate practice sheets but now he is willing to do them (a big deal!!!!).  We do not worry about time, it is just practice.  

 

But, I asked if he could be in Extended-Day Learning, the teacher didn't bring it up.  But, I think it is worth it to see if you just ask the teacher.  And, it is really important that you provide a narrative where your son is a hard worker and making progress (maybe slow, but still progress) and where he has a lot of strengths and great character traits.  B/c -- it is too easy to fill in the blanks with "lazy" "apathetic" "doesn't care" "not trying" "attitude problem."  But, if you are filling in the blanks, then the teachers will not fill in the blanks with those other things, hopefully.  It is something where you need to be proactive.  

 

And, I know it sounds pushy to put a request in writing, but it really isn't, it is really just the proper way to do things.  If you are keeping it on the informal level, then it seems like it is not a big deal.  If you put it on the formal level then it seems like you are taking it seriously.  There are times it is appropriate to stay informal -- like, if you are only a little worried, and want the teacher to keep an eye out.  But when you know something is wrong, you need to go to the formal level.

 

I have found so often -- that I have information that the teachers do not have.  I know my son, my son also pretends in ways at school in order to fit in with his class.  So -- the teachers may not see things I know about, b/c of him doing everything possible to keep anyone from knowing.  And then -- I cannot expect the teachers to read his mind.  I used to think "oh, teachers, their years of experience, blah blah."  Now it is like -- no, they don't know unless they are told, my son is good at blending in, they have no idea.  And -- they have wanted to help once they knew.  Except one teacher, but I think that would have been helped if I had requested in writing.... she thought my son was immature and I thought he had a problem -- she never put him in for testing despite us having conversations where it was mentioned.  But I can see now -- I totally went along with her, even though I didn't agree with her.  It is just hard to figure out how things work.  For months I thought he was going to be tested and I didn't know about asking in writing.  The teacher may have assumed I knew to put it in writing if I wanted to do more than just bring it up with her -- if I wanted it to actually happen.  Though I have no idea ----- I do not get that teacher and kind-of despise her now, despite her clearly not being a bad person or even a bad teacher.  Reading the books about advocacy is really helpful -- it is not obvious to me how to go about things, but it turns out there are helpful books at the library.  They mostly are ones that have IEP in the title, they are all together in the non-fiction section.  

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