scubamama Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Ok, Hive. I know it's Labor Day and we're supposed to be enjoying that last bit'o summer. But I need your help, your combined eloquence, your experience, your mercy! Oh the drama! : ) The story is this: we have decided to send our ds to a local small private Christian school for 7th grade. We are really hoping that he'll "win the lottery" and be admitted to a public charter that is for science for the following year. So cross your fingers for us! In the meantime though, we are putting him in 7th grade at this small school b/c we have deemed it his best interest. Our coop has mainly younger kids, the class for older students would have a total of 3 kids (he would be one of the 3)and one student has behavioral issues the other severe dyslexia - the focus of this class would be reading and analyzing novels via discussion and writing. I can't see how that will happen, even though I respect the mom teaching it greatly. I looked high and low for online classes and other opportunities - there are some in my area, but the driving and trying to piece together a complete year made me cold. I also have other, younger kids. He's a bright guy, does his work willingly, scored an A for the year on his online writing/Lit course, but needs a challenge...loves science, loves to be around people. This year he built a filter for our pool and loads of other things. He's outpaced me and the kits I've bought. He's not a genius though - I'm sure the transition to school will be tough. Here's the issue - me. After 6 years at the same once a week coop, he's leaving and it seems to be all the talk. Do I continue to just pass the bean dip (He needs more than I can give right now, the program here is fine it's just not a fit for him....) as at least 4 or 5 moms approach me to chastise me or tell me of some great online/local place/give me a pep talk.One mom went as far as to tell me that my son's school may have gay people there (spoken in a whisper) b/c the denomination supports gays. Ay yi yi! I softly told her that it didn't affect my choice, she continued on in this vein until I announced it was ok with me and the world is full of things we may haven't have met yet...and btw I have gay family. She let me alone then. I'm getting exhausted and starting to feel bad about our choice. Today a HS family has invited us to BBQ with them - they don't know yet but I'm sure it will come up and I'm really dreading it. I'm wary of them not letting their kids play with ours anymore bc the mom has made a point of keeping her kids away from not HSed kids and she's chastised me in person and in writing for other choices we have made. All in the spirit of "love" of course! Plus the reaction of public school neighbors who will be happy to see evidence of HSing "failing" for ds and us. They are very involved and snarky. I'm generally a live and let live kind of girl and haven't embraced the "HS until the end b/c it's the only way" banner. Its been year by year for us. I'm just dreading the fallout b/c I feel like I don't have a good answer - even more so b/c we haven't defaulted to our local public middle school (it's not a complete mess it's just not the culture we want our kid in - super relaxed academics and morals, scoring poorly and also in the midst of a construction project) I can live without the 'save the earth' 'embrace diversity' curriculum - we have those things covered! So, should I just keep on repeating my statement and wait for people to move on? What have others here done to make it thru this transition? Ay yi yi! What a novel! I hope someone made it thru and can share their experience... Michele Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amber in SJ Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 We have had some similar struggles on both sides. Some friends wanted to lecture us about our decision to homeschool, others wanted to give their opinion when oldest dd went to the local community college for high school and so on. I always thought it was odd. I will loan you my mantra: "We are doing what is best for our family at this time." The end. End of discussion. Pass the bean dip. The nice thing about people who want to judge the parenting/ educational decisions of others is there is always someone else to judge. The talk will die down soon enough. Amber in SJ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angie in VA Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 I will loan you my mantra: "We are doing what is best for our family at this time." The end. End of discussion. Pass the bean dip. This. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saw Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 You do what is best for you, your children and your family as a unit. You and your dh are, imnsho, best placed to make this decision. Last year I had one in an elite boarding school, two home-schooled and one in a public school. I live in the UK, where independent schools of my son's type are considered by some to be "posh" (that's a four-letter word). There's not a lot of people I could talk to who could understand my decision to make these choices for my kids. The home-schoolers and the anti-independent schoolers think boarding school is child abuse (especially sending a child at 9, as I did). The independent schoolers I know think home-edders are weird and abnormal and oh by the way why would you send you kid to state school with a bunch of immigrants and council estate kids? The state school people think I'm "posh" when they hear where my son goes to school and cannot wrap their heads around homeschoolers. You know what? Boarding school DS is thriving, doing great. He would not be doing as well as he is if he were home-schooled or in state school. He's in just the right place for him. DDs did great with homeschool. Neither wanted regular school until this year, and I'm okay with that. State school DS is far happier at his state school than at the low-caliber snooty independent Christian school I initially sent him to. He wouldn't do well being home-schooled (at least not right now, we'll see as we go along) and would not be suited to boarding ( at least not now). All four are good-hearted kids, with good values and good work ethics. I know from experience that it's not easy being the odd one out, but just remember that you're doing what's right for your family right now. It's also quite a nice feeling when the child comes out the other end of the educational experience having done well and you can point at him and say, see I was right! Good luck, just stand firm. And if people are disrespectful about your choices, you may want to limit your interaction with them -- I have one friend who kept making comments at Boarding School DS, and I have limited my contact with her for this reason. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 I'd get out of the co-op if they can't handle your making a different choice for one of your dc! What is the point of a cooperative if not support? Besides, they're afraid of public schoolers and homosexuals. They think they can shame and chastise you, and they sit around snarking about others who make different choices or have different priorities. What kind of influence are they on your children? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanaqui Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Wow, some of these people sound like jerks. I have no new advice, but you have my sympathy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aiden Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 I have not BTDT and have no words of wisdom or advice to offer. But I did want to commiserate that it sounds like you're in a really tough social situation, with judgmental people on all sides, and I'm so sorry for that. Ok, one set of words of wisdom or advice (if it's wise enough to count :huh: ): Don't let these people cause you to do something that isn't best for your son and your family. If you reconsider and decide that your plans are not in his best interest, then by all means, change them, but don't do it just because you're surrounded by a bunch of judgmental [redacted ;) ] who care more about how your family appears to them than about what's actually best for your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 My goodness! Do all these people live in your pocket? I can't imagine having so many people feel free to mind my business and tell me their thoughts! I think it might be time to start letting people in your life know that being acquainted with them does not include personal inquiries and commentary. Your face can tell them when they are being socially inappropriate with you by looking kinda surprised-and-a-touch-miffed. The kind of face you would naturally make if someone was grilling you about your decision of hairstyle or shoes. (Actually, that's a good device. "What would I say/do if this -whatever is said- was said about our choice of shoes for DS.") You can also say things like, "Um, I don't know how this involves you." Instead of responding to what they have said/asked. You can also respond with brief statements of the obvious like, "Because it was one if the choices available, and it's what we want to do." Honestly, just don't bring it up. You aren't conducting a "who thinks I'm doing the right thing" survey. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hyacinth Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 You know this already, and it's way easier for me to say than for you to internalize and believe, but here: You don't owe anyone an explanation. Really, you don't. Be clear. Be polite. Be done. And have a few topic changes readily available to redirect the conversation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiana Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 The more you explain, the more they feel like they can argue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanaqui Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 I think it might be time to start letting people in your life know that being acquainted with them does not include personal inquiries and commentary. Your face can tell them when they are being socially inappropriate with you by looking kinda surprised-and-a-touch-miffed. The kind of face you would naturally make if someone was grilling you about your decision of hairstyle or shoes. (Actually, that's a good device. "What would I say/do if this -whatever is said- was said about our choice of shoes for DS.") Isn't the Miss Manners approach some variation on "My goodness! Don't you think that's a rather personal question?" (I'm now googling to see if it is or if I just made that up.) That's a little more direct than simply changing the subject, but I guess it can work on some of the more persistant people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 One of the most negative things someone can do is judge the parenting of someone they know is making an effort. I had so much judgement as a step mother/ home school mom/ Christian in Liberal Land (Portland) that I am pretty immune to it, and I suggest that you also make every effort to grow a thick skin, because IME the teen years are where the REAL judging starts, lol. The potty training/ breastfeeding stuff is nothing compared to expecting your teen to be part of your family. That will upset some people to NO END, lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 For people who are real supportive friends, I would say just tell them what you told us. I think you can put it in language that's really praising the homeschooling experience you've had thus far and praising that school is an opportunity. And then if they want to be snarky or probe deeper, that's bean dip time. We're starting to experience this from the other side and I really appreciate when parent friends just say, "We think that school is a good opportunity" or "It really comes down to the financial picture" or "I'm just burnt out" or whatever. And of course I support whatever they decide - it's not up to me to judge. It just feels awkward when someone who you've been sharing your school struggles and joys with suddenly won't talk to you about why they chose a different path, you know? On the other hand, some of these folks don't sound like real supportive friends, so I think it's okay to keep them at arm's length and just start with bean dip. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Smile, nod, thank you for your opinion. Please, pass the bean dip. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 quote removed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mary in VA Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 I think it's kind of funny when homeschoolers want to argue with someone about their decision to do something other than homeschool. We can homeschool because we have the right in this country as parents to direct the education of our children as we see fit. I'm SURE they would agree that this is an important right, but they don't want you doing something different than what they do. When we would see families we know making choices that are very different then we would I'd always tell my dds the following, God gave those children to those parents for a reason, every family is different and God helps those parents determine what is best for those children and their family, we are not cookie cutter people or families. I am sure people we know think we are crazy to encourage and support our younger dd to pursue dance as a major in college-what a major waste of time and money, how can you make a living at that, . . . But thankfully it only comes out in subtle undercurrents to conversations. I have been encouraged by parents who tell us they think it is so great we have supported her and allowed her to pursue dance. All this to say, YOU are the parents, God gave your son to YOU, and he will direct You in what is best for your son. It sounds like you have thought this out and have many good reasons for sending him to 7th grade. It is no one else's business!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomtoCandJ Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Ask them if they are paying for any of it, if not then they have no influence what so ever in your decisions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 BTDT..... Wish I had advice!!! A lot of public schoolers were the worst. I got a lot of "glad you came to your senses" and "glad you finally did the right thing" and junk like that. Other home schoolers were not as bad. Public school teachers were the worst!!! Maybe, if you feel like arguing...commenting to them that their elementary school must have been awful in that they are not there anymore. They will be puzzled and come back with "of course not, he is in 6th/7th grade, he is too old for grade school." And then come back with "but if the grade school was so great, you would have kept him there, you must have realized it was a bad thing and came to your senses and moved him to a different school." Hopefully, they will get the point. What you do with a 6 yr old is not always the same exact thing as you do with a 12 yr old. Children grow and their needs change. And home schooling still would have been great, you just don't feel like doing it anymore and would like to give this a try. It does not in anyway mean that the private school or STEM academy is better, it is just a different experience you want to try now. Just like you have not taken the same exact vacation every single year. It does not mean last years vacation was bad. It just means there are plenty of things to try. The public school does not teach US History every year. It does not mean US history is bad on the off years. It means they want to cover other things on the other years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 I've had a number of friends start or stop homeschooling. Each time I give them complete support. However, I may ask, after I've made my support clear, "So, what made you decide to start/stop homeschooling?" If someone asks you "what made you decide to stop?" I think that's a reasonable question. Depending on the relationship you can choose to be vague or you can give the details. It's when they start to tell you that you're wrong or convince you to change your mind that the boundaries need to go up. Other posters have given good tips on how to shut down the lectures. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Is this a set decision? Is it a decision you have confidence in? I've found that most people don't question me if I am confident and tell them my decisions without any hesitation or doubt. But if they have a whiff of fear or lack of confidence, then all bets are off! WWYD? I tend to just keep my mouth shut and let them run theirs. Then I do what I want. If they press me to actually verbally respond then I say "This is a firm decision that we are happy with". I try to have a happy confident smile while I say it so they know there are no hard feelings but no weakness either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Okra Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 The more you explain, the more they feel like they can argue. :iagree: "We feel this is the best decision for our family." Do not explain more. Also, plenty homeschoolers send their kids to school when they are older. I did this, and could not be more happy with the high school. The vast majority have been great teachers that know what they are doing, and are experts in their field. She is getting a great education there. AND, you know school is not full of "bad" kids..........while certainly there are always kids that get into trouble, these kids are balanced out by all the majority of friendly, smart, and generally good kids. They just aren't the ones people like to gossip about. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 I made almost same decision for dd in 8th grade. She had a huge scholarship that she has won, that kept her in an upper class private school for 6th-7th and would have continued through 8th. We pulled her, not due to program quality but her peer group would have been very similar to yours. 5 kids, 3 significant special needs. I wanted her to have more opportunities to advance herself, to be challenged by others thoughts and words and to not be held back by the majority of the class functioning well below grade level. The school was upset we were pulling her. I was honest with the head master and her main teacher. They both understood and supported our decision but were still sad to see the ratio drop. I did not tell the parents why we left. It just wouldn't have come across right, no matter what I said. We have bounced in and out of home school, secular private, religious private, hybrid, college in high school and public school. There isn't much we haven't done LOL Every time, there are those who get their panties in a bunch because we are making a different decision than they are. I just tell people that we make each child's academic decisions, based year by year, and drop it at that. I never talk bad about old programs and really have never looked back once we left. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Where on earth do you live? I put my daughter in high school after exclusive homeschooling for 9 years. I didn't get ANY of the pressure you describe. Making the decision to send her was the hardest part. The actual transition was easy. I'm in the same co-op because I homeschool my son. Are there NO inclusive homeschooling groups in your area? This makes all the difference. People can say some horrid things when they expect back-up from everyone around them. Do people really still shun others? Over their educational choices for their children? I hope you know that YOU are not the problem but are surrounded by some wackadoos. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Hmm. You want to go to a BBQ hosted by someone who has chastised you previously (in the spirit of "love"? :confused1: ) It's the last day of summer vacation. Spend it relaxed and away from such people. I supposed you like this co op for reasons other than the adults involved. I'd be approaching this year keeping my eyes open for a new group of peers both for you and your dc. Go to co op because you've already scheduled it and it's late to make a new plan, but I'd be scoping out other opportunities too. You may have thought you were hanging around a nice a group of families all these year, but it does not sound like they are nice. Time to look around for real friendships. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El... Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 You could practice pinning your eyebrows to your hairline, firming your lips, and saying some variation of these: "Really? Why do you ask?" "Why do you say that?" "That's interesting. How 'bout them Cowboys?" The eyebrows are essential. :) The "interesting" part is that they would say such things to you. I guess you all must be really close-knit to allow such domineering meddling in the form of "encouragement". (I, personally, am sick and tired of that kind of Christian sub-culture... but that is my hang-up-du-jour.) Good luck to your son! I would like to add that my parents have seven kids and my mother home-schooled somebody for 30 straight years. Not one of us has had the same educational journey - some went to college early, some went to private school at one time or another, and some went to public schools at some points. We have all found our special work and our educations have taken us where we needed to go. The year-by-year model is great! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ZeeMommy Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 "You know, ever since he started building that nuclear reactor in our back yard, I thought it might be wise to get him out of the house more often" said with straight face, then pass the bean dip. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 I am in a somewhat similar situation...my ds went to PS last spring for about 6 weeks at the end of the school year. It was in response to a family crisis that demanded all of my attention, but it was also an extremely convenient crisis as it allowed this child, who has often expressed an interest in going to school, to really understand what PS is like in all its real and somewhat flawed glory. He no longer has illusions! But the well-meaning inquiries are really tiresome. I can see that in my situation, people are sometimes threatened by our decision-making as the think it reflects poorly on their own. And of course there is really no way to bring this up politely! So I am very sympathetic. Every child is different and has their own needs. I do try to gently point that out, if I've every (rarely-fortunately!) been pressed by anyone about my decision-making. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Oh honey, hugs. Between the snotty public school neighbors and the snotty homeschoolers, you just can't win, can you? Be comfortable with your choice. It sounds like a good one for your family. Not just comfortable yourself, but present yourself as supremely confident. Say it with an enthusiastic smile: "It's a good choice for him." That's all neighbors and co-op friends need to hear. Any pressing the issue or judgment that they pass on to you is their issue, and you can choose not to take it on. "It's a good choice for him. Isn't the weather great today?" "It's a good choice for him. What are you planning for your year?" "it's a good choice for him. Excuse me, I see Sally over there and I need to ask her something before I forget." And finally..... "Thanks for your concern. It's a good choice for him. We made this choice as a family and aren't really willing to debate it with others. Who brought that delicious bean dip? I need to get the recipe. Excuse me." Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 I would just say something like, "this is the best choice for our family right now. We know what is best for our family. Thanks for your concern, but we really aren't going to discuss is anymore," then just keep beating that drum. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomatHWTK Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 "We sat down and mapped out a plan for the next 6 years and this is where it starts." We aren't facing the situation yet, but our state is a "9th or never" as far as high school credits so we will be facing it soon. For each child individually, we will decide whether or not we can manage his or her needs at home for high school. For my first child who is in 8th, we will continue homeschooling. We have another child who is going to need serious STEM classes though. If I don't think I can do the job, I will send him somewhere that can. I'm not going to let my ego stop him from getting the education that is best for him. KWIM? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jyhwkmama Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Today a HS family has invited us to BBQ with them - they don't know yet but I'm sure it will come up and I'm really dreading it. I'm wary of them not letting their kids play with ours anymore bc the mom has made a point of keeping her kids away from not HSed kids and she's chastised me in person and in writing for other choices we have made. All in the spirit of "love" of course! With friends like these, who needs enemies? Seriously, find some other HS friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scubamama Posted September 1, 2014 Author Share Posted September 1, 2014 Wow - thanks everyone for the support. Sometimes I just need to get out of my own head and get perspective, y'know? I feel better...I'll keep on with the "it's the best choice" line... My other kids are very happy at the coop and hopefully after the shocking news circulates I'll be done answering questions...until people want an update on how he's doing! I can't say how helpful it's been to hear other families experiences with different types of schooling. I hope this thread helps another mom and dad in my shoes! Yay, Hive!!! Michele Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 "We deem it to be in his best interest at this time." If folks keep asking then say "why do you want to know?" You own no one any explanation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trulycrabby Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 The choices you make for your family are absolutely no one's business. No explanation is needed. If someone tries to lecture, judge, pry, or change your mind, either just walk away in the middle of their sentence (extremely effective!) or just say, " This is not your business." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 I have to admit... this thread has made me a little sad. I feel like pass the bean dip is for nosy, annoying people who you're stuck with in your life like your next door neighbors or your family that you love but don't always see eye to eye with. I feel like it usually shouldn't be for friends. I guess I think... if you can't share a basic level of "this is why" for such a big thing then I don't know why you're friends. :( I mean, I guess I can understand... sometimes you share one interest with someone but don't want to talk about other issues, but the automatic way in which so many people recommend not discussing this stuff is weird to me. I want to me able to tell my friends why I do things. Or I don't really want them as friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 "Did I ask you for advice in this matter?" Hard glare. OR "Since we're on the subject of unsolicited parenting advice, would you like my opinion in how you should do _______?" Hard glare. OR. I'm pretty blunt myself, so "It's none of your business." Works well, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest annebluejay Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 I think the 'best choice for our family line' is wonderful. Sometimes, it does bother others when you change, especially if you've built your social group out from your homeschooling friends. We had a lot of problems with people when we decided to enroll some of our kids in our regular neighborhood public school. For us, it was a decision made after a lot of talks and a lot of prayers and our older two kids hitting ages where they could have real and solid discussions with us as adults. Our decisions work for our family, and while sometimes they don't, they are what's best for our family. People will comment no matter what you do. If you are confident in what you are trying or even just considering a test run of something, it's none of their business. However, I do think sometimes you have to explain and the 'best for family at the time' is wonderful. If they insist on pushing it, they themeselves might have some issue within they need to process and aren't ready to and so it cines out on you. Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 I have to admit... this thread has made me a little sad. I feel like pass the bean dip is for nosy, annoying people who you're stuck with in your life like your next door neighbors or your family that you love but don't always see eye to eye with. I feel like it usually shouldn't be for friends. I guess I think... if you can't share a basic level of "this is why" for such a big thing then I don't know why you're friends. :( I mean, I guess I can understand... sometimes you share one interest with someone but don't want to talk about other issues, but the automatic way in which so many people recommend not discussing this stuff is weird to me. I want to me able to tell my friends why I do things. Or I don't really want them as friends. Do your friends act like this? Mine don't. Mine might say, "Oh good for you. What made you come up with that choice?" but they would never ever chastise me or whisper things about the "dangers of meeting gay people" or other fear mongering. My friends listen, give advice if asked, ask for clarifying questions more for my benefit when thinking things through but they never sit in judgment on me even in the name of "love". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Wow - thanks everyone for the support. Sometimes I just need to get out of my own head and get perspective, y'know? I feel better...I'll keep on with the "it's the best choice" line... My other kids are very happy at the coop and hopefully after the shocking news circulates I'll be done answering questions...until people want an update on how he's doing! I can't say how helpful it's been to hear other families experiences with different types of schooling. I hope this thread helps another mom and dad in my shoes! Yay, Hive!!! Michele Consider yourself more the leader than just a group member. There may be others in your co-op who will come across similar best situations for their kids and if they've seen someone successfully follow that path, it could help them tremendously. Personally, I'd answer every question truthfully without argument or passing the bean dip. Many who ask truly are questioning, esp when you break a "mold." It helps them learn when you give reasons rather than tell them to pass the dip. Even the friend who whispered might have her mind opened just a little when you truthfully respond that it's ok if there are gay people at that school. They may ask more than once - or offer up counter reasons, etc - it all tends to be due to the processing going on in their heads. They may not end up agreeing with you, but they will see that someone intelligent can believe that way/choose that path. To me, that makes it worthwhile. Years later you may find you ended up making a difference. People only know what they grow up with and experience in life. We're all "sheltered" that way as no parent can give their kids complete exposure to everything no matter how hard we try. We are limited by time, money, and experiences ourselves. As grown ups, we know more, but we still don't know it all. We'll never know it all. Part of why I love continuing to be part of the Hive is to continue to expand my knowledge by gleaning from everyone else here (as much as I can read - all sorts of topics and experiences). To these other folks you are with - they may opt to shun you - that's their right, but if you open minds even a little bit to tolerance, etc, you've taught far more than your own kids. Best wishes to you as you embark on your new adventure - and may it work out well with the magnet school in the future! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freesia Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Do your friends act like this? Mine don't. Mine might say, "Oh good for you. What made you come up with that choice?" but they would never ever chastise me or whisper things about the "dangers of meeting gay people" or other fear mongering. My friends listen, give advice if asked, ask for clarifying questions more for my benefit when thinking things through but they never sit in judgment on me even in the name of "love".Mine neither. If anyone did that to me, they would immediately fall into the "not friend" category. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Do your friends act like this? Mine don't. Mine might say, "Oh good for you. What made you come up with that choice?" but they would never ever chastise me or whisper things about the "dangers of meeting gay people" or other fear mongering. My friends listen, give advice if asked, ask for clarifying questions more for my benefit when thinking things through but they never sit in judgment on me even in the name of "love". No. But people who acted like that wouldn't be my friends. I guess... that's what makes me sad. That, and that so many people clearly had experience with that sort of "friends" that they knew to say right off the bat things that were basically like, "Stay out of my business." And... I guess... I have had the experience - not often, but a few times - where I'm like, "Oh, what made you decide that?" in the friendliest way and people do say things that are basically "Stay out of our business." I thought that was the whole point of "Pass the bean dip." It's much nicer than, "Don't question our family decisions." Because once you've said that to someone who was just asking in a friendly way, then you've made it clear you don't really want to be good friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saddlemomma Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 I haven't read the other responses so please forgive me if I'm repeating something but.... You already have a good answer: You are doing what is in the best interest of your son. No one knows your son better than you and his father. There should be no discussion after that statement. It's none of anyone's business how you educate your children. You can end it there and pass the bean dip, or if they persist, you could politely say: "Would you really like me to tell you how I think you should educate your kids or point out, IMHO, what you're doing incorrectly? I didn't think so. Please treat me with the same respect." We cannot insulate our children forever or from everything. I would much rather have my DD question us about different worldviews and behaviors she encounters now while she's still living with us than when she goes off to college. You are not doing anything wrong and don't need to soothe anyone's ruffled feathers. They aren't your feathers to worry about. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Some people don't "get" the pass the bean dip subtlety. I have a mother who wouldn't EVER let things go (still won't.) If you say, "Well, this is what we feel is best right now," she would quip, "BUT WHY?" with dripping "I will prove you wrong!" attitude. I get it. I seem to attract these people. I am sorry you are dealing with this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scubamama Posted September 1, 2014 Author Share Posted September 1, 2014 Farrar, I get what you're saying - it is sad that people have had to deal with 'friends" that make them pass the bean dip. I have folks like that in my life and many family members. Who doesn't? I'm sad that I have to be cornered by people that I think are really just being nosy (and truthfully, I was annoyed and feeling defensive too) But, what Creekland said resonates with me too - there are people that really want to understand, not so they can judge negatively, but to learn and be open to others insights. Those people I don't mind. Yes, my few "real friends" (not just people in my neighborhood, coop folks, and the family that invited us to a BBQ tonight) have been supportive or my HSing and our choice for ds. We have things we don't agree about in each others lives, but it's not a stumbling block to our friendship. But the folks we will see tonight and other neighbors and acquaintances just make me feel bad (even tho I shouldn't.) They are the ones I needed wise words about...because yes, Dawn M, I have a few just like your mom who seem to exist to prove their superiority to others. I'm a mild and mellow kind of gal so this is a bumpy ride for me! The varied opinions here helps me grow as a person - not to be quick to make a judgment or miss a chance to share the why in a convicted way are great take aways for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MedicMom Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 We are putting DS in a private pre-k this year. He will be accelerated in math and and reading as he is at a first grade level, so he will be going five mornings a week to be with the K class and staying afternoons to be with the pre k. I cannot understand the comments we've gotten...flack from the homeschoolers for not homeschooling and from our PS friends who want to know why PS "isn't good enough." I have resorted to replying, "I don't know why you feel our personal choices are any of your business." I do not engage, argue or defend our decision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joyofsixreboot Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 My 13yo made the decision to go to PS this year. Oh, the recriminations from the homeschoolers and the "what took so longs" from the other side. Argh. I've just been saying he's 13, old enough to make his own decisions, rinse, repeat. I just think people must have really boring lives that this even registers on their life meter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 In the meantime though, we are putting him in 7th grade at this small school b/c we have deemed it his best interest. This is the only thing that matters and is a "good answer." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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