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some people just need a high five...


swellmomma
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In the face....with a baseball bat.

The teens saw their dad today.  Both were in tears when they came home thanks to his comments again.  I don't want them seeing him anymore, this is getting to be every freaking time, but given their ages they have a say in it.  They plan to see him in October for 1 day, dd is supposed to help with the rest of the bridal party making the centerpieces, the wedding is in November and both are in it.  So they will see him then and they are both considering having that be the last time they visit with him until they are adults.  

Both of my teens are their own people, and I am pleased with who they are.  They are good kids, they mostly stay out of trouble, both have opted to not date, they want to wait until they are older, while oldest has issues due to mental health stuff that has gotten him in trouble, on the whole they really are just great people.  They do not drink, do not smoke, do not do drugs, do not party, do not sleep around, do not date, do not stay out late and not just due to strictness, but because they agree that at this point nothing good happens when you are out wandering past 9pm.  They are quirky and fun and not into much of anything their age related peers are; yet have friends that are into the same things they are and who accept them for them.  Ex can not seem to accept them though.

Comments from ex today:

to ds16- Ds is a Bronie (likes my little pony), ex told him he would rather he was using drugs than like sissy stuff like that also made the snide "oh I'm so proud" followed by a glare when he learned of ds16's like of little pet shops (it came up when ex asked dd15 if she was a bronie and ds16 said no she wasn't but he was).  He spent time griping to ds16 about how I was never spending time teaching them (umm, it's summer break and ds was at camp until 2 weeks ago).  He again commented to ds about his weight (ex is close to 300lbs- son is 160lbs), he told ds he was glad to see his tummy was finally smaller this time, but he really should be doing more push ups and situps if he was ever going to get a girl. And he made comments about ds needing bipolar meds that made ds and dd feel came across like their dad was basically saying ds was weak for needing them (ds is a different kid on them and has begged to never have to stop them because even he feels the difference when he is on them- there is nothing weak in him needing the medication at all of course)

To dd15- after making fun of her wallet being a guy's wallet he proceeded to take it from her and check it for a condom.  She uses axe body wash and shampoo rather than girly stuff and he made the comment of "you need to stop using axe and smelling like a guy even if you are a lesbian".  He made other comments regarding her gender/sexuality along those lines.  DD15 is very sensitive to that stuff.  She is a tom boy in the extreme and is going through a phase right now where she appears to be more male than female when it comes to products used etc.  At home with me she is not worried about it, I am just fine with her being whomever she wants to be, fI have flat out told her if she is transgendered we will still love her no matter what (she prefers male clothing, cut her hair super short and while it can be styled in a very cute pixie cut, she often styles it more like a boy's haircut, she uses mens soaps, shampoo, body spray, prefers to be one of the guys etc).  When it comes to her dad she is more sensitive about it because his comments do not come from a place of acceptance and love.

Both came home feeling unloved and unaccepted by him.  Add in his usual racist and sexist comments that he makes around them,  and yeah I had 2 very upset teens this afternoon.  I had a long talk with them about how they feel after their visits and how they can still respect him as their father (important to them from a religious standpoint) but protect themselves from his comments.  That respecting him and loving him at their father does not mean they have to see him or put up with his commentary.

It was so much better when ex didn't bother seeing them for 10 years.  He has only been back in their lives for 3 years and everytime they come home from a visit they are upset by the things he has said.  Ds16 is trying to see the best in his dad and just keeps saying "he thinks he is doing the right thing to make me a man, but he is not".  I have pointed out ex's comments are abusive to them (there has been other things said over the years, like him directing ds to watch porn, or telling ds he was too old to be doing what I say etc).  He is down to about 3-4 visits a year, but even that is too much but with the kids ages I can't just shut it down based on things ex says.  The kids have to decide to stop seeing him and I truly hope they do.  I can't stand to see them hurting and it makes me want to beat my ex for doing that to them.  Who the heck cares if my teen son likes ponies and little pet shops? There is a lot worse things he could be liking, you know like those drugs ex seems to think are a better option.  And who cares what dd15 likes to wear.  It doesn't change the fact that she is an awesome person.  She could wear fuzzy bunny costumes everyday and it wouldn't make a difference, it doesn't change who she is at her core.  Grrrr!
 

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I am so sorry, Brandy. :(

 

There is nothing worse than knowing that someone has hurt your children, and the fact that it is their own father makes it a thousand times worse.

 

Thank goodness your kids have a wonderful mom to come home to, and that they confide in you so you can help them work through their feelings.

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I'm sorry. I am sure that is hard for you. I had to chuckle when you said it was easier when he was simply out of their lives. My sister had a similar situation and she felt that way, too.

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