Neighbor with early onset dementia scaring the children

[AimeeM]

We have a woman who lives two houses down who has, I think, early onset dementia. I say "I think" because I've never asked. She is rarely, these days, lucid. She is really lovely if you can get her to look at you. She lives with her husband who has had to stop working full time, because he can only do odd jobs that he can bring her to (and that obviously limits him). I believe they own their home free and clear.

 

She frequently wanders the subdivision streets talking to herself (well, she thinks she's talking to someone else - usually her son, I think). Sometimes VERY late at night. She frequently ends up in our yard, "looking" for her son (who his now an adult male in his 20's and lives elsewhere). She is NOT, imo, dangerous. All I have to do is ask her gently if she'd like some company on her walk home, and she always welcomes the company. Usually, when this happens, her poor DH has dozed in the living room (the many looks thoroughly exhausted).

 

At this very moment, she is standing in her yard and ranting about "get it all - the whole gambit". 

 

A couple weeks ago, DD and her friend were walking the neighborhood (as they do frequently), and the woman ("C", we'll call her) started chasing them, yelling at them about orange juice. She chased them into Friend's yard, where Friend's Dad threatened to call the police if she didn't leave them alone. 

 

I don't know what to do. I think several of the neighbors feel just as helpless. We sincerely like her and her husband... but this isn't safe. While I do not think she'd ever hurt the children, they are now afraid to walk, for fear of being chased. I've versed DD on how to handle the situation, because the woman, even when she isn't lucid, seems to respond very well to a gentle tone and and offer to take her back home. When I do so, she seems to "come back" on some level, and very kindly asks me about my middle son (medical problems), and that sweet little boy who walks with us (youngest son), and the pretty girl (DD).

 

I'm afraid for "C", too. Walking the neighborhood, no matter how quiet, very late at night isn't safe. There is still relative traffic (subdivision feed is off of a major highway), and occasional crime (little things, like homeless coming off the highway, going through coin consoles in cars, but still - you never know).

 

The problem is that I'm not sure where to go with this. I know she's been institutionalized before, but I also know that the locally run state homes do not have the best rep. She is at least well taken care of by her husband (the neighbors give him all the odd jobs they can come up with), and he very obviously loves her. I'm not sure what would happen to her in a home, and something must have happened for him to move back here with her (they left the neighborhood for a couple years, while he obtained "help" for her).

 

I'm not sure there is any advice to be given, but all is welcome. This is mainly just me worrying out loud.

[Slartibartfast]

Do you have any way to contact their son? Maybe he could offer additional support somehow? His dad might not be communicating the seriousness of the situation.

[LostSurprise]

Research into your state's at-home care? MIL has dementia and FIL contacted health and human services. They have a lot of programs from respite care to help getting medical and legal paperwork in order. They also offer care classes and in the care classes they give you counsel to have outside sources who can tell you when something is too much for you. 

 

 

Another suggestion, could a few people in the neighborhood or your neighbor's church get together and volunteer respite for him? Add/change door locks so he could sleep? If this is bothering you look for someone to partner with and offer this man a solution. 

[PrincessMommy]

At the very least I would get her husband's contact information so when this happens you can call him directly.   He's probably overwhelmed and breaths a sigh of relief when she goes for her walks, but he probably doesn't realize that she's causing problems in the neighborhood.   You may want to gently suggest some outside help for him.

[Anne in CA]

One thing might be for any neighborhood walking groups to swing by and take her with them first thing in the morning, that would be organized care and then her dh could have some time to himself while she is gone. Also, it might wear her out enough to stay home by herself for the rest of the day. It might be a real blessing to them. My mother had a neighbor like this with no family at all and everyone pitched in until the state would finally take the situation seriously, to make sure no one was hurt. When everyone helped it was not a burden on anyone. My mom's job was to feed her Sunday dinner and play Skip Bo with her every night for half an hour to get her ready for bed.

[AimeeM]

I have offered several times to help - I wouldn't mind at all having her come over when her husband needs some time. She really seems to enjoy the children, and this would be a way for her to do so, and eat adequately, in a supervised environment. He just says that she's no trouble and that he doesn't want to bother anybody. 

 

Her son, to the best of my knowledge, knows the extent of it. He may even help some, but I'm not sure how much he does, or can, help. 

 

The problem is that she doesn't stay in the house. Her husband doesn't know that she leaves when she does leave. He does TRY to always keep her in sight... she usually sits RIGHT BESIDE him while he's doing odd jobs, and when he's working in the yard, he puts the radio on in his truck and she sits in there... but he simply can't sleep AND keep an eye on her. 

[AimeeM]

They do not attend a church. I do know, however, that our Catholic Social Services can often help with small situations such as this - I know that they have someone come to the elderly woman's house (95 year old across the street) to help with grocery shopping, appointments, etc. 

Any suggestions to the husband seem to just get a smile and a "kind of you to offer, but we're fine" reply. I have the distinct feeling that something bad happened the last time he obtained outside help for her... just the timing and some little things I've overheard. 

[zoobie]

I have offered several times to help - I wouldn't mind at all having her come over when her husband needs some time. She really seems to enjoy the children, and this would be a way for her to do so, and eat adequately, in a supervised environment. He just says that she's no trouble and that he doesn't want to bother anybody.

 

Her son, to the best of my knowledge, knows the extent of it. He may even help some, but I'm not sure how much he does, or can, help.

 

The problem is that she doesn't stay in the house. Her husband doesn't know that she leaves when she does leave. He does TRY to always keep her in sight... she usually sits RIGHT BESIDE him while he's doing odd jobs, and when he's working in the yard, he puts the radio on in his truck and she sits in there... but he simply can't sleep AND keep an eye on her.

He needs alarms on the doors and a baby monitor. And she could wear a GPS monitor. Wandering off is a common problem with dementia sufferers.

 

If he's refused your help, there's nothing you can do. You should tell him she's chasing and scaring children before someone else calls the police.

[AimeeM]

He needs alarms on the doors and a baby monitor. And she could wear a GPS monitor. Wandering off is a common problem with dementia sufferers.

I am pretty sure that he can't afford any of that, but if I can get him to accept it, Tony would have no problem buying a door alarm and a baby monitor for him (and installing it). 

I'm not sure it would wake him up when he dozes (not much seems to, lol), but I wouldn't mind rigging the baby monitor to my own house so that I can take the after 10 pm shift (she does NOT do this nightly - frequently, but not every night). I *know* other neighbors would be willing to help. It's just that kind of neighborhood.

 

How do I approach it with him, though, when he has systematically, kindly, declined all other help offered?

[Starr]

He needs to be aware of the problems outside. There comes a time when locks have to put in so the person with dementia can't get out of the house alone. It's just like we do for toddlers. I think you can explain to your children that her mind doesn't work properly and to come get you when she's outside so you can walk her home. I agree with getting her husbands phone number. Does she have any ID in case she goes on a walk about and can't remember where she lives or her name? It's all so difficult. People don't seem to know what to ask for. You might offer to bring dinner over one day a week or month, invite her over one morning a week or something specific.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[AimeeM]

ETA: I just saw what you added. Maybe if I (gently) tell him about the children, he'll be more receptive to the help. Nobody (and I mean "nobody" - even my daughter and her friend) want to see the police involved, and I think everyone is willing to help that not happen - if he will get on board.

[NorthwestMom]

OP, you are correct that this IS NOT SAFE for anyone involved. This woman is going to get lost or hurt, or she will inadvertently cause someone else to get hurt. This is not acceptable and has to stop NOW. I say this with great love and understanding. My mother had Alzheimer's and "eloped" 3 times before we were able to get her into a secure facility.  Just because someone with dementia is capable of taking an independent walk in the neighborhood one day does not mean they can do it the next. Elderly people with dementia get lost and die all the time. This sweet old lady was missing for a month before they found her remains: http://q13fox.com/2014/08/12/family-offers-5000-reward-for-everett-woman-missing-nearly-a-month/   Furthermore, your neighbor is acting very erratically and is clearly unable to handle being alone.

 

First I would reach out to her husband. See if he is connected to any social services.  He could also install a door alarm so he will be alerted any time she tries to leave. http://www.homedepot.com/b/Electrical-Home-Security-Video-Surveillance-Security-Systems-Door-Window-Alarms/N-5yc1vZc202

 

Next, I would call the police when she is out and acting erratically, if her DH cannot be alerted immediately. I would do this every time she is out alone.  She should NEVER be out alone. This will establish a record.  Finally, I would call Adult Protective Services so they can come and potentially help this couple.

 

In my opinion, it is your moral obligation to help this family place this woman into a situation in which she, and others, can be safe. Good luck!  it sounds heart-wrenching.

[NorthwestMom]

You are worried about getting the police involved, but they are far kinder than you think in this situation. They have access to resources that can help. They are not going to arrest anybody.

 

As you can see from my link, door alarms are not that expensive. Her DH needs to get one immediately. 

 

Aimee, what state are you in?

[Cera]

I would probably go over and have a conversation with the husband.  Explain exactly what you wrote here, that you really like them and want to help them remain in the neighborhood but that the current circumstances worry you.  Many people of that generation are very proud and independent so might have a hard time accepting help.  Tell him that helping out is beneficial to you and your kids and give him a list of what you would like to do if he will let you.  That way he is doing you a favor by accepting help.

[Word Nerd]

He needs alarms on the doors and a baby monitor. And she could wear a GPS monitor. Wandering off is a common problem with dementia sufferers.

 

If he's refused your help, there's nothing you can do. You should tell him she's chasing and scaring children before someone else calls the police.

 

Or before she does. We were awakened late one night by a police officer at the door, as an older neighbor woman had apparently called 911 to report that my DH was swinging from her ceiling fan and scaring her. DH is a very large man, so that would have been quite a sight to see if it had actually happened. It would have been comical if it had not been so unsettling, as she and DH were on friendly terms and he had helped her with a few home maintenance tasks. They took her to the hospital for evaluation and her family (she was a widow but had grown children) put her in a nursing home shortly afterward.

 

It's so incredibly sad that this happens to people. I am impressed by your concern for your neighbor and what you've already done to help her and her DH.

[AimeeM]

You are worried about getting the police involved, but they are far kinder than you think in this situation. They have access to resources that can help. They are not going to arrest anybody.

 

As you can see from my link, door alarms are not that expensive. Her DH needs to get one immediately. 

 

Aimee, what state are you in?

Oh I don't doubt that they are kind! We love our local PD! I'm just worried that SHE would get terribly upset if she saw the police! I'm also worried because friend's dad WOULD, I think, press charges (trespassing or whatever) - he isn't particularly helpful or kind.

 

I'm in South Carolina.

 

ETA: I do not think they can afford much of anything, honestly, no matter how little the cost, which is why I said we'd buy one if I can get her DH's okay. I think part of the reason the doors are left open is to let in the breeze. Like I said, his ability to work has been seriously hindered, and they aren't exactly elderly. I would put them at my parents' age - mid 50's.

[sparrow]

I completely agree with everything NorthwestMom has said. 

 

We used those spinning door handle covers you use for toddlers. They would befuddle my mom long enough for someone to realize she was trying to leave the house.

 

Yes, and the police are very compassionate in these situations and it's not a bad idea to have a record of her address and her description in case they ever need to issue a Silver Alert (the senior equivalent of an Amber Alert).

 

You sound like good neighbors.

[indigomama]

OP, I just want to say, how touched I am by your concern. I was wondering, what if  instead of offering to help, you just did help. For example, just have your DH buy the alarms and monitor and take them over, with whatever tools needed to set them up. And what if you helped oraganize the other neigbors who wanted to help with a rotation of meals or walks or whatever, and you all just did them. Would her husband refuse then? 

 

[Farrar]

I think it's just time to be blunt with her dh and emphasize that if he doesn't get some help, the police are going to end up involved and none of you want that. Probably in the past, it's been "how can we help?" but it needs to become, "this isn't working," and the help needs to be offered in that context.

 

Good for you for being so compassionate. I wish my neighborhood was like that.

[AimeeM]

Or before she does. We were awakened late one night by a police officer at the door, as an older neighbor woman had apparently called 911 to report that my DH was swinging from her ceiling fan and scaring her. DH is a very large man, so that would have been quite a sight to see if it had actually happened. It would have been comical if it had not been so unsettling, as she and DH were on friendly terms and he had helped her with a few home maintenance tasks. They took her to the hospital for evaluation and her family (she was a widow but had grown children) put her in a nursing home shortly afterward.

 

It's so incredibly sad that this happens to people. I am impressed by your concern for your neighbor and what you've already done to help her and her DH.

We really haven't done anything. I wish he would let us do more. She really IS nice and I really do enjoy her company. I also think that the more she gets to know my children, the more she would respond to my eldest (who, when I explained the situation, was very understanding and said she would remember to offer her a walk back home) better. 

 

She has never, ever, seemed violent... so there's that at least. She just seems to enjoy yelling at her "son", lol! But it's usually in a "mommy way" - she yells "at him" to come home, to finish a chore, comes looking for him because he "went to a friend's house", etc. I'm not incredibly versed on this, but is it normal (anyone) for her to focus so much on one person (her adult son, in this case)?

[AimeeM]

OP, I just want to say, how touched I am by your concern. I was wondering, what if  instead of offering to help, you just did help. For example, just have your DH buy the alarms and monitor and take them over, with whatever tools needed to set them up. And what if you helped oraganize the other neigbors who wanted to help with a rotation of meals or walks or whatever, and you all just did them. Would her husband refuse then? 

No, I don't think he would refuse then. I've taken them treats before and they've never been refused. I was worried about imposing, but could definitely stop by in the afternoons when we take our walks and ask her to join us.

I could tell her husband that I'd appreciate her company, and that I'm lonely with only the children in the house, a few times a week at lunch time (when I'm home for lunch). 

[zoobie]

Oh I don't doubt that they are kind! We love our local PD! I'm just worried that SHE would get terribly upset if she saw the police! I'm also worried because friend's dad WOULD, I think, press charges (trespassing or whatever) - he isn't particularly helpful or kind.

 

I'm in South Carolina.

 

ETA: I do not think they can afford much of anything, honestly, no matter how little the cost, which is why I said we'd buy one if I can get her DH's okay. I think part of the reason the doors are left open is to let in the breeze. Like I said, his ability to work has been seriously hindered, and they aren't exactly elderly. I would put them at my parents' age - mid 50's.

Would he accept your guidance to get them pointed toward SSDI, etc.? Some people will elect to take regular Social Security early, which usually isn't the best decision because they don't know about SSDI. If she qualifies for state health insurance, there may be some respite care available. Unfortunately not likely in SC, but maybe!

[sparrow]

We really haven't done anything. I wish he would let us do more. She really IS nice and I really do enjoy her company. I also think that the more she gets to know my children, the more she would respond to my eldest (who, when I explained the situation, was very understanding and said she would remember to offer her a walk back home) better. 

 

She has never, ever, seemed violent... so there's that at least. She just seems to enjoy yelling at her "son", lol! But it's usually in a "mommy way" - she yells "at him" to come home, to finish a chore, comes looking for him because he "went to a friend's house", etc. I'm not incredibly versed on this, but is it normal (anyone) for her to focus so much on one person (her adult son, in this case)?

 

The bolded may change as the disease progresses. And yes, it is common for them to fixate on someone.  My mother was the most mild-mannered woman on the planet before she was diagnosed with dementia. My dad called me in a panic because he couldn't find her, so I got in my car to look. I found her walking down the highway, toward my house. She was trying to see me, yet became agitated when I stopped my car and tried to get her to get in. I was concerned she'd lose her balance and fall toward the traffic, so I gently took her elbow to guide her to the car. She swung at me AND cursed. SO out of character for my mom that it seemed like I was dealing with a stranger.

 

I'm sure her husband is exhausted. He should find some respite services ASAP. It's just a heartbreaking disease :( I hate it and am relieved that my mom is at peace now.

 

[G5052]

That was my mother. She terrorized the families in her neighborhood and her friends from years before.  Then she moved to assisted living and terrorized the workers and residents there and the businesses in town.  She wandered the streets of the town most days, and there were multiple run-ins with individuals and the police.  Friends would sometimes find her on the highway at night, walking out of town to who knows where.

The relative that was in charge refused to do anything about it until she hit a worker in the assisted living facility hard enough that he had to go to the emergency room.  The facility said that she either was going to the lock-down dementia unit or to jail at that point.  Even there at one point they were talking about refusing to keep her anymore or sending her to the state mental hospital because of the violence.

 

So this guy may have exhausted all of his options and decided to do the best that he can at home. Frankly it is going to fall apart at some point.  If he has legal authority over her, nothing is going to happen unless he says so or unless the authorities send her to jail or a mental facility because she has hurt someone.  Violence is not uncommon from someone with dementia.  There have been cases where someone with dementia even killed a relative because they didn't know who they were and they couldn't control themselves.

[ondreeuh]

I am pretty sure that he can't afford any of that, but if I can get him to accept it, Tony would have no problem buying a door alarm and a baby monitor for him (and installing it).

 

How do I approach it with him, though, when he has systematically, kindly, declined all other help offered?

Buy the monitor and door alarms, take them out of their packages, bring them over to the husband, and explain that you are done using them and thought they might help him out. Phrase it as a loan if you want. I'm all for little white lies that preserve dignity and help people out. He might not even know they are an option.

 

I would hesitate to take ownership of the situation by appointing myself the Sunday night babysitter or taking over the baby monitor, but I would certainly offer. I'm betting it would be very difficult for the husband to admit he could no longer care for his wife.

[.Michelle.]

www.projectlifesaver.org

 

Many local governments subsidize this partially or completely.

[NorthwestMom]

Oh I don't doubt that they are kind! We love our local PD! I'm just worried that SHE would get terribly upset if she saw the police!  Or, she might become docile and be easily returned home in the presence of authority. You don't know yet. I'm also worried because friend's dad WOULD, I think, press charges (trespassing or whatever) - he isn't particularly helpful or kind. No judge is going to incarcerate an elderly demented woman. That would go nowhere. The family would LIKELY be pointed towards services that could help them.

 

I'm in South Carolina.

 

ETA: I do not think they can afford much of anything, honestly, no matter how little the cost, which is why I said we'd buy one if I can get her DH's okay. I think part of the reason the doors are left open is to let in the breeze. Like I said, his ability to work has been seriously hindered, and they aren't exactly elderly. I would put them at my parents' age - mid 50's.

 

 A little googling got me here: http://scaccess.communityos.org/cms/ . You should call them and see what's available, and then give the information to her DH.

[NorthwestMom]

We really haven't done anything. I wish he would let us do more. She really IS nice and I really do enjoy her company. I also think that the more she gets to know my children, the more she would respond to my eldest (who, when I explained the situation, was very understanding and said she would remember to offer her a walk back home) better.  People with dementia are UNlearning - they aren't learning new information or getting to know people. It's a wonderful thought and very caring, but not realistic. Sorry!

 

She has never, ever, seemed violent... so there's that at least. She just seems to enjoy yelling at her "son", lol! But it's usually in a "mommy way" - she yells "at him" to come home, to finish a chore, comes looking for him because he "went to a friend's house", etc. I'm not incredibly versed on this, but is it normal (anyone) for her to focus so much on one person (her adult son, in this case)? Yes, very typical. 

 

Aimee, you are so sweet to care for this family so much.

[AimeeM]

At this point, the more I read, I'm wondering if it IS dementia. She has been *this* way for a very long time - but it has never become worse, from what I understand. It just seems... stagnant? No worse, no better? Is that possible with dementia? When I read, I read of it steadily becoming worse. I'm wondering if there is something else going on? I'm not going to ask be intrusive, I'm just thinking out loud. 

 

She doesn't "know" me very well, but she does seem to respond to me. She seems to remember things that I tell her, later on (not specific names, but she remembers that I have children)... sometimes it gets "lopsided" and she forgets how many kids I have, but she remembers certain things... that my son has medical issues, for example, and that I homeschool. She is pretty fixated lately on praying for my middle son (in a sweet way) - in the middle of the road :) 

 

She's a sweet soul. It doesn't matter what's wrong, really. I'll take everyone's advice and see what her husband will let me do. Thank you all so much for it - I didn't realize there were so many services available, and I agree with trying to phrase it in a way that will allow her husband to maintain his pride in the situation (and he deserves that pride - many wouldn't try any more, and he is wonderful with her).

[HSmomof2]

OP, you are correct that this IS NOT SAFE for anyone involved. This woman is going to get lost or hurt, or she will inadvertently cause someone else to get hurt. This is not acceptable and has to stop NOW. I say this with great love and understanding. My mother had Alzheimer's and "eloped" 3 times before we were able to get her into a secure facility. Just because someone with dementia is capable of taking an independent walk in the neighborhood one day does not mean they can do it the next. Elderly people with dementia get lost and die all the time. This sweet old lady was missing for a month before they found her remains: http://q13fox.com/2014/08/12/family-offers-5000-reward-for-everett-woman-missing-nearly-a-month/ Furthermore, your neighbor is acting very erratically and is clearly unable to handle being alone.

 

First I would reach out to her husband. See if he is connected to any social services. He could also install a door alarm so he will be alerted any time she tries to leave. http://www.homedepot.com/b/Electrical-Home-Security-Video-Surveillance-Security-Systems-Door-Window-Alarms/N-5yc1vZc202

 

Next, I would call the police when she is out and acting erratically, if her DH cannot be alerted immediately. I would do this every time she is out alone. She should NEVER be out alone. This will establish a record. Finally, I would call Adult Protective Services so they can come and potentially help this couple.

 

In my opinion, it is your moral obligation to help this family place this woman into a situation in which she, and others, can be safe. Good luck! it sounds heart-wrenching.

I agree with Northwest Mom. Yes, there are poorly run facilities, and if they've had a bad experience I can understand not wanting to get involved with another one. But, this current situation isn't safe, and her poor dh sounds completely overwhelmed. My grandma has been in a memory care facility for a little over a year now. Best decision for her. It is a wonderful facility, she's well taken care of, and she very happy there. She had no assets and is on Medicaid to pay for her care. My parents were very hesitant to have her in a memory care place. They tried to help her stay in her apartment for several years, but it became apparent she needed full-time care. I hope your neighbor is able to get the resources to help them.

[sassenach]

He needs alarms on the doors and a baby monitor. And she could wear a GPS monitor. Wandering off is a common problem with dementia sufferers.

 

If he's refused your help, there's nothing you can do. You should tell him she's chasing and scaring children before someone else calls the police.

This.  He needs to know about the chasing.  

 

My guess is he's from that proud generation that really struggles to accept help.

 

Another idea for keeping her in would be a double keyed deadbolt lock on all the doors.  I had an escape artist child who required being locked into our house.  We would keep the key above the threshold, but your neighbor may need to hide his.

[MotherGoose]

OP, I just want to say, how touched I am by your concern. I was wondering, what if instead of offering to help, you just did help. For example, just have your DH buy the alarms and monitor and take them over, with whatever tools needed to set them up. And what if you helped oraganize the other neigbors who wanted to help with a rotation of meals or walks or whatever, and you all just did them. Would her husband refuse then?

I agree. Just do something to help, if you are so inclined. You know the Southern way is to refuse help until someone insists that they are going to help. So instead of saying, "I'd love to have her over for dinner sometime to give you a break," say "I'm cooking chicken pot pie tomorrow at 6 and I'll knock on your door at 5:50 to walk her over, and I'll bring the leftovers home for you to eat later." You are very kind!

[Guest]

I feel so bad for her, and for him and for the kids and for you.  This is such a sad scenario.  

 

I know that the thing that saved my neighbor was having respite help when the spouse was "losing it" and especially when he started wandering.  It is so hard for an elderly person to have the energy to keep up with this all alone.  My MIL was TO A FRAZZLE keeping watch over my FIL as he descended into deeper dementia...wandering at all hours of the day and night.  She was getting NO sleep, and was WORN OUT...we ended up having to move him to an Alzheimer's care facility for HER sake, almost as much as his own.  But my neighbors managed the situation with evening respite and with having family members stay overnight (they have an enormous extended family--not everyone does).  

 

The thing that is so hard about what to tell your daughter is that dementia makes people's actions unpredictable.  I have a friend who has dementia--a gentle giant sort of fellow--who likes me and is sweet and everything--just confused.  I gave him a waist-hug and he wanted to reciprocate, and he *MEANT* to give me one of those little "arm punches"--an "aw shucks" kind of expression...but he doesn't know his own strength and he about knocked me flat.  Big smile on his face--he's just not all the way in control.  But truthfully, it hurt (not emotionally...just physically) and I've kinda decided that I need to have my dh with me when we visit from now on.  

 

I think your kids are right to be watchful...not because the woman is malicious, but because she isn't herself anymore.  

 

And I think you might need to talk to the son or to the husband, in a completely compassionate way, in the way of coming alongside in respect and concern.  

 

((()))

 

[AimeeM]

Does anyone know if that they AREN'T elderly will make it more difficult to obtain help? This appears to be very early onset. I wouldn't put the couple as much older than their early-mid fifties; no older than my parents.

[Guest]

I don't know the answer to your question, but I do know people who have dealt with early onset and they got help...and I'm pretty sure it wasn't out of their own pocket because they were middle class and not rich...and it was a long haul. And the people I mentioned earlier who got in-home help DID pay for it, because they could. They were in their late 80's.

[Joanne]

Call Adult Protective Services. They will typically *help* the caregiver.

[Joanne]

Does anyone know if that they AREN'T elderly will make it more difficult to obtain help? This appears to be very early onset. I wouldn't put the couple as much older than their early-mid fifties; no older than my parents.

 

Is it at all possible she has liver issues/cirrhosis? Please know there is NO judgment behind that question.

[Storygirl]

My mother has Alzheimer's. She lived with us for a time, and we attached small battery operated door alarms to the frames of the exit doors of our home. It was not expensive. This was a few years ago, but I think there were two alarms in the pack for something less than $20. If she is leaving home without his knowledge, alarms are needed, and they are cheap.

 

If he knows that she is wandering the neighborhood and thinks it is okay, he needs to be educated about caring for her. My mom did not wander, but my dad left her alone in the house and would go to work all day without considering her safety. First I had to tell him to leave her lunch in the fridge and call her to tell her to eat. This was obvious to me, but it had never occurred to him. Eventually I had to bring her to live in my home, because he did not see that she should not be left alone. He was not used to caring for anyone other than himself (my mom did 99% of the child care when we were young). Sometimes people just do not know what to do.

 

If you feel comfortable talking to him about your concerns, do so. Tell him you are concerned for her safety, and that her unpredictable behavior confuses your children. Be blunt and tell him that you don't think she should be out of the house alone.

 

If you do not feel comfortable doing this, I'd say Plan B is to call the non-emergency line of the police department to discuss what authorities can do.

 

And yes, people with dementia often plateau and stay at the same functional level for a long period of time before declining further. On the other hand, perhaps her issues are due to another mental health problem that is not dementia. If her husband is open to discussing it, you might ask what her issues are, so that you know how to respond to her appropriately.

[AimeeM]

Is it at all possible she has liver issues/cirrhosis? Please know there is NO judgment behind that question.

I mean, I don't know, but this has been going on for longer than I've lived here, but not getting any worse or better (so 10+ years).

[AimeeM]

I'm pretty sure that he doesn't think her wandering is okay. If he did think it was okay, he wouldn't be so militant about not leaving her alone when he leaves the house, works in a neighbor's yard, etc. 

 

I'm not sure I"m comfortable asking him what is going on with her (as in, dementia or some other mental illness), but I am comfortable talking with him, informally, about his wife's wandering and yelling/ranting. He likes to talk informally and enjoys chatting - he likes to start with the weather and cover everything over an hour or so - so I think I could pretty easily talk to him about that. I have mentioned it to him before, but I'll have to work a bit to keep him on that topic - he doesn't seem to care much for it.

My mother has Alzheimer's. She lived with us for a time, and we attached small battery operated door alarms to the frames of the exit doors of our home. It was not expensive. This was a few years ago, but I think there were two alarms in the pack for something less than $20. If she is leaving home without his knowledge, alarms are needed, and they are cheap.

 

If he knows that she is wandering the neighborhood and thinks it is okay, he needs to be educated about caring for her. My mom did not wander, but my dad left her alone in the house and would go to work all day without considering her safety. First I had to tell him to leave her lunch in the fridge and call her to tell her to eat. This was obvious to me, but it had never occurred to him. Eventually I had to bring her to live in my home, because he did not see that she should not be left alone. He was not used to caring for anyone other than himself (my mom did 99% of the child care when we were young). Sometimes people just do not know what to do.

 

If you feel comfortable talking to him about your concerns, do so. Tell him you are concerned for her safety, and that her unpredictable behavior confuses your children. Be blunt and tell him that you don't think she should be out of the house alone.

 

If you do not feel comfortable doing this, I'd say Plan B is to call the non-emergency line of the police department to discuss what authorities can do.

 

And yes, people with dementia often plateau and stay at the same functional level for a long period of time before declining further. On the other hand, perhaps her issues are due to another mental health problem that is not dementia. If her husband is open to discussing it, you might ask what her issues are, so that you know how to respond to her appropriately.

 

[sparrow]

I mean, I don't know, but this has been going on for longer than I've lived here, but not getting any worse or better (so 10+ years).

 

So this behavior started in her forties and has been going on for more than 10 years?  I'm thinking it's not dementia and more likely another mental illness, like schizophrenia. Many of the characteristics and symptoms are actually quite similar, if not the same. That means the husband could have been dealing with variations of these behaviors for 30+ years!

[AimeeM]

So this behavior started in her forties and has been going on for more than 10 years?  I'm thinking it's not dementia and more likely another mental illness, like schizophrenia. Many of the characteristics and symptoms are actually quite similar, if not the same. That means the husband could have been dealing with variations of these behaviors for 30+ years!

I think so. Don't quote me on it (lol). They've apparently been fixtures in the neighborhood for quite some time, although randomly leaving to get help for the woman. 

[gardenmom5]

do they have door alarms?  so that when he's fallen asleep and she opens that door the alarm will sound and wake him up?  (basically the same as for small children.  it's a safety device.) - maybe you and the neighbors can get together and give him a set.

 

are there respite agencies in your town you can give him the contact info for?  or other support agencies that can help with his caregiving.