indigomama Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 Some very dear friends of ours in another state, lost their young daughter in a tragic accident, yesterday. I just can't believe it, and I can't imagine the pain they are going through. Is there anything I could do, should do, should not do? It's just truly devastating. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 Listen. Be there for them. Do not skip the funeral under the excuse that YOU can't handle it. They need you, and they don't need you to focus on yourself. Oh, and send a card for sure. And maybe flowers or something to the funeral. If they want to look at pictures, happily look with them and tell them how gorgeous she is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotSoObvious Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 When my good friends lost their six month old baby, they said the hardest was when people said nothing. We were talking about the awkward gestures and offensive, yet well meaning sayings. They said as long as it was something, it felt good because they knew people cared. I'd reach out in whatever way you feel compelled, even if it's just a card telling them that you are thinking of them. And I'd keep remembering her on birthdays or holidays. My friends said their biggest fear was that people would forget her. I'm sure the mamas who have lost children will have great advice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 I think that one thing my friend told me after her twins died was that religious platitudes such as "God's will", "They are in a better place", "All things work together or good" and what not were EXTREMELY offensive, as if religious folk were deliberately minimizing their pain. Practically, notes of encouragement would be good. If you have amazon prime, there are fruit baskets, baked goods, etc. that you could send. Given that they are likely to have relatives coming and going, this might be appreciated. Another option is a donation in the child's name for a cause they feel strongly about. Don't be a stranger. They will have a lot of local people who will flood them with attention for the next three days to week as they go through the funeral and burial or cremation process, and then bam, suddenly everyone will be gone. They'll be exhausted and the grief will hit them like a ton of bricks. Everywhere they look, they'll be reminded of her and may not have anyone to share with so call and check on them. Maybe make it a weekly thing for a couple of months. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 I am so very sorry. Was this the accident on the beach, by chance? I have lost a baby at birth (different, obviously, but tragic and intense as well). The things I would recommend is not to offer platitudes, but to just say, if anything how sorry you are. Expect their grief to be acute for many YEARS! Do not force "helpful" things on them, i.e., "you should go to church/counseling/grief group/the mall/on a cruise." Just let them "be." Let them talk unedited. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 Also, if you can mark your calendar into the future to send them a card or treats on the child's birthday and the death anniversary. I cannot tell you how meaningful this was to me, especially as time passed and it felt like my story was an old, forgotten sorrow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanaqui Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 In my experience, the hardest time after losing somebody is not RIGHT after but several months down the line. You're not in shock anymore, it's starting to sink in that you'll never have them back, and right when you really want to talk about them, everybody else is moving on. They aren't thinking every day about your loved one anymore, so they assume you aren't either, that you don't still need help. There are a lot of things, since they're distant from you physically, that you can't do. You can't offer to take the other kids out so they can get a break, you can't make them dinner, you can't hold their hand. But what you can do is be there for them, not just now, but throughout the year when they *really* need it. You can call every week just to chat, and listen to them, and be willing to talk about their daughter when they want to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 I have known more people that I care to mention who have lost a child. At birth, at 9 years of age, at 11, at 22, at 45. It is always painful beyond imagining. It is a terrible thing to go through and it is a terrible thing to witness. It will take time and they will have a LOT of different feelings. They will be different, changed by this. Accept what they are feeling. There is no one right way to cope or respond and they have to find their own path. Being understanding, but knowing you can never really understand, is prob the best you can do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
indigomama Posted August 30, 2014 Author Share Posted August 30, 2014 I am so very sorry. Was this the accident on the beach, by chance? I have lost a baby at birth (different, obviously, but tragic and intense as well). The things I would recommend is not to offer platitudes, but to just say, if anything how sorry you are. Expect their grief to be acute for many YEARS! Do not force "helpful" things on them, i.e., "you should go to church/counseling/grief group/the mall/on a cruise." Just let them "be." Let them talk unedited. Also, if you can mark your calendar into the future to send them a card or treats on the child's birthday and the death anniversary. I cannot tell you how meaningful this was to me, especially as time passed and it felt like my story was an old, forgotten sorrow. Yes, it was. It's incomprehensible. Thank you for sharing. I will make mark and continue to remember her to them. I'm going to go through photos as well. Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 I definitely agree with do not tell them how to grieve or make remarks like "it was God's will" or "you have an angel watching over you now." Every parent wants to watch over their child, not have their child watch over them. That is stuff that really upset me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scrub Jay Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 How awful. I just saw that in the news. I have no advice. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
indigomama Posted August 30, 2014 Author Share Posted August 30, 2014 Would sending a locket to hold a picture or momento be out of place? I saw some beautiful ones on Etsy, but..... I just don't know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 Oh my goodness. Praying for this family. What a horrible thing to have happened. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FriedClams Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 A friend who ahas walked through extreme grief shared this essay.... http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4329830 I also have a friend walking through horrible grief and I found it very helpful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
indigomama Posted August 30, 2014 Author Share Posted August 30, 2014 A friend who ahas walked through extreme grief shared this essay.... http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4329830 I also have a friend walking through horrible grief and I found it very helpful. That was a great article, thank you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 Would sending a locket to hold a picture or momento be out of place? I saw some beautiful ones on Etsy, but..... I just don't know. I think that would be lovely. I have jewelry with my daughter's birthstone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmilyGF Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 Remember the grieving bull's eye and don't grieve in. Since our infant died, someone who loves me has been sending me emails from people telling her how it affected them. This has been incredibly well-meant and incredibly unhelpful. Send a card. If they don't feel like reading it now, they can box it for later. Send money if you want and if you know they wouldn't find it offensive. Funerals are incredibly expensive. We were gifted a lot of our needs (location for funeral, preparation of the body, plot at cemetery for a huge discount). Still, we spent over $500 and we haven't even bought a grave stone. A plot can easily run thousands of dollars. Don't make small talk. They are going through something incredibly deep and small talk will likely be hurtful. There is one lady at our church who is able to say, "How are you doing?" in a way that means she really means it. She has been such a blessing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lewber Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 I am so sorry. How incredibly sad. I think I heard about it on this forum, but there is a lovely blog called inchofgray. She lost her 12 year old son in a freak accident almost three years ago. She writes beautifully about her grief journey and I learned a lot reading it. Last year I shared it with a mom who tragically lost her daughter. She said it was helpful to follow this mom's journey. And to see the mom's progression over time. The blog itself also has lots of ideas about what people did to help her that really did help. The author of the blog also has a book coming out this fall called Rare Bird. Many prayers for your friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
indigomama Posted August 30, 2014 Author Share Posted August 30, 2014 Remember the grieving bull's eye and don't grieve in. Since our infant died, someone who loves me has been sending me emails from people telling her how it affected them. This has been incredibly well-meant and incredibly unhelpful. Send a card. If they don't feel like reading it now, they can box it for later. Send money if you want and if you know they wouldn't find it offensive. Funerals are incredibly expensive. We were gifted a lot of our needs (location for funeral, preparation of the body, plot at cemetery for a huge discount). Still, we spent over $500 and we haven't even bought a grave stone. A plot can easily run thousands of dollars. Don't make small talk. They are going through something incredibly deep and small talk will likely be hurtful. There is one lady at our church who is able to say, "How are you doing?" in a way that means she really means it. She has been such a blessing. I am so sorry for the loss of your little one, thank you sharing your thoughts on this. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wintermom Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 I think that acknowledgement is first, and trying to stay close is next. They want to know that people care for them and won't desert them, even when it's difficult to handle for everyone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
krsmom Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 I am so sorry. How incredibly sad. I think I heard about it on this forum, but there is a lovely blog called inchofgray. She lost her 12 year old son in a freak accident almost three years ago. She writes beautifully about her grief journey and I learned a lot reading it. Last year I shared it with a mom who tragically lost her daughter. She said it was helpful to follow this mom's journey. And to see the mom's progression over time. The blog itself also has lots of ideas about what people did to help her that really did help. The author of the blog also has a book coming out this fall called Rare Bird. Many prayers for your friend. I am so very sorry. This is my first post on this forum other than a test post a minute ago. I actually decided to bite the bullet and join so I could comment to this specifically. inchofgray is lovely and I second all of the posts so far. One thing I wanted to caution you and anyone else reading this thread is to please not refer to anything related to the death of a child as "freak" as in "freak accident". I still struggle/stumble when I hear someone refer to my childs accident as a freak accident. I fully accept that I may be projecting here, so take it for what it's worth. Even after suffering the loss of a child myself, I still struggle to find the correct words. Please know that sometimes lending an ear is better than any words we can speak. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zimom Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 Remember a month later, 6 months, a year, 5 years. They'll still be grieving. This. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zimom Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 I want to add--be willing to talk about the child. Remember the good times. Tell funny stories. "Remember when Ed was still trying to get the cat to like him? And the cat was still clawing him? He never did get that the cat hated everyone. Remember when he say, 'I have an idea! No, no, it's a GOOD idea!'" And then be accepting when the mom/mil will still cry after five years. And this. (Sorry I can't multi-quote). 5+ years later we talk about our good friend's daughter frequently. She hasn't been forgotten, she isn't ignored. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mumto2 Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 Margaret :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aspasia Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 When my good friends lost their six month old baby, they said the hardest was when people said nothing. We were talking about the awkward gestures and offensive, yet well meaning sayings. They said as long as it was something, it felt good because they knew people cared. I'd reach out in whatever way you feel compelled, even if it's just a card telling them that you are thinking of them. And I'd keep remembering her on birthdays or holidays. My friends said their biggest fear was that people would forget her. I'm sure the mamas who have lost children will have great advice. I think that one thing my friend told me after her twins died was that religious platitudes such as "God's will", "They are in a better place", "All things work together or good" and what not were EXTREMELY offensive, as if religious folk were deliberately minimizing their pain. Practically, notes of encouragement would be good. If you have amazon prime, there are fruit baskets, baked goods, etc. that you could send. Given that they are likely to have relatives coming and going, this might be appreciated. Another option is a donation in the child's name for a cause they feel strongly about. Don't be a stranger. They will have a lot of local people who will flood them with attention for the next three days to week as they go through the funeral and burial or cremation process, and then bam, suddenly everyone will be gone. They'll be exhausted and the grief will hit them like a ton of bricks. Everywhere they look, they'll be reminded of her and may not have anyone to share with so call and check on them. Maybe make it a weekly thing for a couple of months. Yes to all of this. I lost a baby a few days after birth and the religious platitudes were extremely offensive. It felt like people were dismissing our experience. Also, the people who still acknowledge our son's birthday make a big impact on me every year, and it has been eight years. For most of the world, this child will just cease to exist. But for the parents, she never will. In our case, our son's life was so brief that it is really important to me to have the entire experience validated, and the acknowledgement by other people really helps with that. (Otherwise I just feel a little like a crazy person, possibly imagining this child.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 Remember the grieving bull's eye and don't grieve in. … Emily, more :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: . Can anyone explain this statement? I don't understand what Emily is trying to say. Also, :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: to all who are grieving. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caroline Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 Emily, more :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: . Can anyone explain this statement? I don't understand what Emily is trying to say. Also, :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: to all who are grieving. I think she is saying that the parents get to grieve however they want to. Don't make it about how sad you are. Don't make it about your grieving. Remember they get to be the main grievers. Because, no matter how bad you feel, you cannot begin to imagine what they are feeling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmilyGF Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 Here's a good article on the grief bullseye. Basically, if you need to talk about it (in the dumping sense), talk about it to people who are farther away from the affected. Your duty to people closer to the family is to listen and be there. Emily Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 I think she is saying that the parents get to grieve however they want to. Don't make it about how sad you are. Don't make it about your grieving. Remember they get to be the main grievers. Because, no matter how bad you feel, you cannot begin to imagine what they are feeling. Here's a good article on the grief bullseye. Basically, if you need to talk about it (in the dumping sense), talk about it to people who are farther away from the affected. Your duty to people closer to the family is to listen and be there. Emily Thanks so much for the explanation. Best wishes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MeghansMom Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 You have gotten some great advice here, what an incredible group of ladies you all are. :) When our daughter Emily Grace died, the most helpful were notes of encouragement, people listening. A couple of people sent me cards of remembrance a year later on the date of her death. It helped knowing others remembered and the support was heartfelt. I love the locket idea. hugs and prayers Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 Don't say "there's nothing anyone could have done" unless you are very, very, very sure that is true. I keep thinking about this over and over trying to desensitise myself for the first time someone says that to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pippen Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 If you have pictures, video, or want to record memories for the family digitally, there are flash drives that are nicer than the usual. We used this heart-shaped necklace flash drive in a similar situation and it was appreciated. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004XPS39I/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o01_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chelle in MO Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Don't say "there's nothing anyone could have done" unless you are very, very, very sure that is true. I keep thinking about this over and over trying to desensitise myself for the first time someone says that to me. I just can't send enough hugs to you. :grouphug: :crying: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FO4UR Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Just be there. "He is such a sweet and handsome boy! Unimaginable Loss!" Hugs. Offer a tissue. Offer to run a practical errand to give time to the family to grieve. Call after things calm down. Don't say "there's nothing anyone could have done" unless you are very, very, very sure that is true. I keep thinking about this over and over trying to desensitise myself for the first time someone says that to me. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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