Define the term "Single Dad"

[Desert Strawberry]

Disclaimer: I'm not passing judgement in any direction. I just want to clarify what exactly this term means. 

I've seen the term Single Dad quite a bit lately, often accompanied by praise for doing a hard job. I assumed that this term refers to dads with sole custody or at least 50% custody. The word single implies "doing it alone", and the associated praise is usually indicative of that idea.

 

D and I have a friend who's kids live in another state. While he does visit with them as often as possible, he is not involved in their to-to-day upbringing. Not by his choice, as he appears to be a hands-on dad, and obviously adores and desperately misses his children. But the fact is, he isn't raising them, single-handedly or otherwise. I don't mean to downplay his contribution, but the fact is that the activities of daily child-rearing do not fall on him. He doesn't wake them for school, get them out the door in the mornings, help them with homework, arrange playdates and afterschool activities, etc. Logistically, that isn't possible. 

He refers to himself as a single dad, as do other people in his (very well and publicly documented) life. He receives this same praise, as if he were solely responsible for the care of these kids, not just for a few weeks a year, but full time. His ex-wife and her contribution are never, ever mentioned. It's as if the kids are with him, or they enter into a great void. 

This has made me question my understanding of the term. 

Does "single dad" refer to any unmarried father, regardless of the time spent in child-rearing? Or should it be reserved for custodial parents only?

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

I would guess it would depend on the context. I could see, if I were talking about, say, dating said guy friend, that I might refer to him as a single dad, since he is both single and a dad. But if we were talking about parenting and family nitty-gritty, then no, I might not call him a single dad. It's just semantics, really.

 

But if I were his ex-wife, I'd probably be pretty bitter about the kudos going his way if he's mostly parenting by phone. (Yes, it's probably petty. Just being realistic.)

[BigMamaBird]

When I think Single Dad, my thoughts go to a man who has primary or sole custody of his children and is the one raising them and of course isn't married to anyone.  My cousin's ex sees his kids two weeks a year, I wouldn't consider him a Single Dad, he's a dad with visitation.

[QueenCat]

If the wife is less of a public figure, then I'd assume that's why she's not mentioned. I guess I probably wouldn't call someone a single dad if they didn't have custody but technically, if someone is single and a parent, they are a single parent, regardless of custody.

[Paige]

I would call any man that is a parent without a partner a single dad. Even if he does not have custody but is involved in the children's lives, he would be a single dad, IMO. What else would you call them? 

[5of5]

I also think it depends on the context.  If "single dad" was used in the context of praising the individual for the work involved, then it would definitely suggest to me that the person had the primary care for the children.

[Farrar]

I would need to listen to context clues to know if it meant the man had custody. It does connote a man who is a primary caregiver, but I don't think that's its only meaning.

[umsami]

I think it's tough.

 

While he is single, and a father, I agree that often people assume that means he would be taking more hands-on, day-to-day care of them.

 

 

Still, I don't know of another word to describe him.

[Above The Rowan]

I would guess it would depend on the context. I could see, if I were talking about, say, dating said guy friend, that I might refer to him as a single dad, since he is both single and a dad. But if we were talking about parenting and family nitty-gritty, then no, I might not call him a single dad. It's just semantics, really.

 

But if I were his ex-wife, I'd probably be pretty bitter about the kudos going his way if he's mostly parenting by phone. (Yes, it's probably petty. Just being realistic.)

This sums it up for me also.

 

As a single mom (well, formerly single) whose ex husband is only in the kids lives almost peripherally, I get a little annoyed when he starts acting all hard done by because life as a single dad is soooo tough. I would be more annoyed if I witnessed him getting pats on the back for his hard times as a single dad.

 

However, in other contexts the term "single dad" is accurate and useful.

[SKL]

I've always heard it used to refer to any father who is not married or widowed.

[SKL]

To me the word "single" implies only that the person is not married.  This is the same word we use for people without kids who are not married.

[SKL]

I used to date a divorcee with kids who lived in a different state.  (A super nice and loving guy but definitely without 50%+ custody.)  I remember one time he stated that he "runs a tight ship" with his kids.  I thought that was interesting because he only had them during certain times of the year, though he did speak to them every day.  He would discuss discipline, education, etc. with their mom and felt involved even though he couldn't be there all the time.  (And of course he paid the expenses that any dad would pay.)

 

I don't think he would have cared what people called his life situation, but I think he was doing what he could, so yeah, he was a dad who was single.  A single dad.  Or I guess you could call it a divorced dad if you prefer.

Lots of dads who are married to their kids' moms are also living away from their kids for much of the year.  Nobody suggests they are any less "dads" than those who are home every night.

[SKL]

So, why do you think the guy says "single dad" instead of something else?  Perhaps it's important to him that folks know he has kids.

[Scarlett]

I also think it depends on the context.  If "single dad" was used in the context of praising the individual for the work involved, then it would definitely suggest to me that the person had the primary care for the children.

 

I think it is less about the term single dad and more about the praise going to him as if he is doing the majority of the child rearing.  If he is a blogger those people are just sucking up.

[SKL]

I keep thinking about this - why do we give extra meaning to the word "single"?  I guess it's because people have this vision of "single mom" and they have moved part of the "mom" idea into the "single" part of the term.

 

Is a single mom not a single mom if she doesn't have 50%+ custody of her kids?

[Lady Florida.]

Technically if a man is a father involved with his kids in any way, and single, he's a single dad. And yes, to SKL though I didn't quote. A mom can technically be a single mom even if she doesn't have custody. However, to me the terms single mom and single dad imply custody. 

 

Dh was a single dad when I met him. Dss' mom lived 3 hours away and rarely saw him, so dh was more than just the custodial parent. He was the only involved parent.

[justasque]

In your scenario, I don't think "single dad" is the best way to describe your friend.  I think the term is generally used for dads who have significant hands-on responsibility for their kids, usually because they are widowed or divorced.  For me, the "single" is more about sole responsibility for the kids- the "single" person who is providing for and raising them - and not about whether the person is partnered or not.  (Example, "Ralph is a single dad of two, and lives with his partner Jane" makes more sense to me than "Ralph is a single dad" when Ralph is actually a divorced dad whose ex-wife has primary custody in another state.)  

In your friend's situation, I might say "John has two kids", or "John is the father of two", or "John, who is single, is the father of two kids who live with their mom", or "John is a divorced father of two", or "John's two kids live with their mom for most of the year", or "A father of two, John is currently single".  

If your friend, as a public figure, has a bio blurb for promotional reasons, then it's trickier, because depending on his intended audience, he would probably want to gloss over how he became an unmarried dad, whether that be through divorce or through never marrying.  "John is blessed with two kids", or "John enjoys spending time with his kids Jane and Michael" might be sufficient, depending on whether/why he wants to get the "single" part across.  "John is a single dad of two", while tempting for promotional reasons, and true in a literal sense, strikes me as intentionally misleading.

[gardenmom5]

to me, a single dad is divorced, widowed, or even never married, but has primary/joint custody of his child/ren.  or at least does a lot of hands on stuff during the week and is able to because he lives in the same town/area as his children.

 

 

[Chris in VA]

Gosh, it gets way more complicated than I thought.

 

Single dad just means not married and has kids, to me.

 

Sole parent would mean the other one is dead.

 

IDK, I guess I just don't get into people's business AFA who does what in their parenting.

 

 

[gardenmom5]

 

If your friend, as a public figure, has a bio blurb for promotional reasons, then it's trickier, because depending on his intended audience, he would probably want to gloss over how he became an unmarried dad, whether that be through divorce or through never marrying.  "John is blessed with two kids", or "John enjoys spending time with his kids Jane and Michael" might be sufficient, depending on whether/why he wants to get the "single" part across.  "John is a single dad of two", while tempting for promotional reasons, and true in a literal sense, strikes me as intentionally misleading.

 

the highlighted.  (names not required)

 

listing himself as a single dad, when he isn't the primary custodian, will end up angering a lot of constituents and loose him votes when it comes out his ex has primary custody in *another state* and he only has visitation. (and assuming that isn't even every other weekend due to distance) it would be a very ill thought move.

[bolt.]

To me, single dad conjures the initial image of the dad as an active day-to-day parent of the children... But I don't think that initial image is the sole domain of the term.

 

For me, it's important to allow people to self-identify, unless the terms they prefer are really very misleading. Single dad is not misleading in any situation where one is a dad and also single. I can see why someone would want an option with positive overtones like "single dad" (as opposed to "divorced father" which has very distant and failure-feeling overtones).

 

Also, quite apart from doing the day-to-day parenting alone (which he probably does do part of the time), the heroic struggles of a non-primary-custody single parent are nothing to sneeze at. Living apart from one's children is hard. Earning enough money to pay to have them housed and fed partially at your expense in a separate household is hard. Providing emotional support and maintaining connection at a distance is hard. Negotiating and advocating from a position if weakness with an ex partner is hard. Showing up when/where you are wanted (and not, when not) is hard. Many of these thinks are heart-wrendingly killer hard. In combination, I don't think that "praise" for non-primary-custody single parents is unwanted. Not. At. All.

 

Just because it's a different struggle does not mean it's a minimal struggle.

[FaithManor]

I know several women who do not have custody of their children and only limited visitation. Yet society refers to them as single mothers. So what should they be called? I think the term actually refers to the marital status of the parent. If we start implying judgment on time and quality of parenting, then it would only be fair to make societal terms for uninvolved custodial parents. My brother is maried and yet from the standpoint of who is responsible for the child and does the work, it is entirely him period. My sil occupies space and gets her nails done. That is not an exagerration. So my brother would be a single dad if single referred to who did the lion's share of the work or ALL the work and not marital status.

 

So really it is simplest if the term refers only to marital status.

[Crimson Wife]

A widowed, divorced, or never-married father. Some single dads are also deadbeat dads. "Single" just refers to marital status, not how good a parent the individual is.

[SKL]

... (Example, "Ralph is a single dad of two, and lives with his partner Jane" makes more sense to me than "Ralph is a single dad" when Ralph is actually a divorced dad whose ex-wife has primary custody in another state.)  

 

 

Well if "single" implies you are doing it all on your own, how can you be single and living with a partner?  One would think a partner could at least make a milk run when the babies are sick.  If you're really doing it alone you have to bundle those sick babies up and take them out in the thunderstorm so they don't go hungry.  (Ask me how I know.)

 

Since people hare having to go through such gyrations to come up with a "better alternative" for "single [but not custodial] dad," maybe "single dad" should be allowed to stand.

[Cera]

When I think single dad I think of a dad who has custody of his kids a significant percent of the time and does quite a bit of the work of raising them.  

 

My ex has our kids 15% of the time total, every other Saturday night and 4 weeks each summer (in one week increments, at least two of which are spent with his parents).  I would never consider him a single dad because he does none of the actual work of raising them.  He plays with them, spoils them and shows them off to his friends, family and girlfriend but he doesn't ever have to get his hands dirty...he just sends them home.  

 

My SO was a single dad.  He has his kids 60% of the time and is responsible for homework, dr appts, arranging child care, supplying everything they need in his home, etc.  He did these things on his own or made the arrangements he needed to to get help with them before we started living together.

[SKL]

And this reminds me of a little pet peeve I have.  When some married moms whine that they are "actually single moms" because their husband works long hours or whatever.  Really?  So that paycheck, mutual support when hell's breaking loose, child guidance on the "big things," and very part-time domestic help are the same as nothing?  Way to appreciate the kids' dad.  :P  Sorry, a little off topic, but a dad who cares about his kids, contributes to their material care, and isn't a stranger to them, is a Dad.

[regentrude]

Single dad = dad who raises his children alone without a mother present in day-to-day life.

 

I would not use the term to describe a male who is single and happens to also be a father, but who is not the sole primary caregiver.

 

Just like "single mom" refers to a woman who raises her kids alone without a father involved in day-to-day life.

[SKL]

Anyway, I only pull the "single mom" card when I'm trying to win a point or get sympathy.  :P  Perhaps the same could be said for single dads, I don't know.

[MistyMountain]

To me single dad means they are not in a serious relationship and they are a father. The term does not imply the amount of custody involved if they are part of the child's life. It literally is defined as not in a married relationship and father of children.

[Tangerine]

What springs to mind is a man raising his child/ren the majority or equal amount of time. I understand the points others have made, that's just where my mind goes when I hear the term.

[Mimm]

I would assume it's any man who has a child but isn't in a relationship. It doesn't have to have all these connotations. "Oh, you're a single dad? Do you have your kids often? Do they live nearby?"

 

Similarly, a single mom is any woman who has a child but isn't in a relationship. Perhaps she shares custody, perhaps the child's father has the majority of the custody, but she's still a mom, and she's single.

[redsquirrel]

To me, single simply tells me they are without an intimate partner. Dad tells me they have fathered a child.

 

I don't make assumptions about custody, legal or physical, based on just a couple words.

 

These days, all the 'single dads' I know have physical custody every other week. I am amazed at how common that is around here. But, in my circle of friends/family/acquaintance there haven't been any acrimonious splits. They have all been very friendly with people going to great lengths to stay on excellent terms etc. It's a little weird, now that I think of it. Not all of them started out that way, but it is clear that the judges around here are very open to 50-50 physical custody if the parents are at all willing. The kids seem ok with it as well. For some it has been most of their lives and they seem happy and well adjusted. 

 

So, for those who think that 'single' dad or mom means that someone is doing the majority of parents, what would you call all those moms and dads who have physical custody split 50-50? half-single?

[Mimm]

Single dad = dad who raises his children alone without a mother present in day-to-day life.

 

I would not use the term to describe a male who is single and happens to also be a father, but who is not the sole primary caregiver.

 

Just like "single mom" refers to a woman who raises her kids alone without a father involved in day-to-day life.

 

Then what do you call him? Single man who has a child? ;) I'm confused, I honestly never thought the term single mom/dad implied a level of involvement by a co-parent. What if both parents are very involved equally, dropping off and picking up from school and showing up for meetings and games and doctor appointments together or equally, but are not in a relationship with each other or anyone else? Are they "single parents"? Is the term descriptive of that particular parent's involvement or of the other parent's involvement or lack thereof? Meaning, if a dad is very involved, is he a single dad or is he only a single dad if the child's mother is uninvolved?

 

Not trying to single you out regentrude, anyone can answer. :) I'm just curious.

[Catwoman]

I have never given it any thought, but whenever I have heard a man being referred to as a single dad, I have assumed he had custody of his kids -- probably because all of the single moms I know are also the custodial parents.

 

Now I realize my assumptions may have been completely wrong.

 

We do know a few men who refer to themselves as divorced dads, and their kids live with them on weekends.

 

I guess there are no hard and fast rules for these things. :)

[mom31257]

Maybe men are doing it in response to so many women emphasizing that they are a single parent, wearing it like it's a badge of honor or one that deserves sympathy. I saw one statistic that 35% of children are in single parent households. It's not an uncommon lifestyle anymore. 

 

 

 

[Word Nerd]

To me, single simply tells me they are without an intimate partner. Dad tells me they have fathered a child.

 

I don't make assumptions about custody, legal or physical, based on just a couple words.

 

 

This. 

[HS Mom in NC]

There are a few in my family.

 

My step-dad was a single dad in the late 60s and early 70s.  He had primary custody because his wife would disappear for days on end. Then he had sole custody after the divorce and got the kids up and ready for school and after the babysitter left had them at night. She didn't have anything to do with her kids even though no one was stopping her-she had visitation rights.

 

My brother has joint custody with his son's mother.  They work opposite shifts and each have my nephew the same amount of time and do the parenting themselves.

 

I don't use the term for a father who is unmarried for whatever reason  if he just has the kids on the weekends or some such arrangement.  I don't know why I think of it that way.  Probably because the term "single mom" is used for women raising their children, not the woman who left her kids with their father and doesn't see them or doesn't see them often. I assume the terms "mother" and "father" are really being used in more the verb sense than the noun sense in these discussions. 

[SKL]

If a significant portion of your pay went to child support and related costs, would that not weigh in favor of the argument that you spend a lot of time "for" (though not "with") your kids?

 

In intact two-parent families, often one parent spends little physical time with the kids but gets credit for being the main "provider" (financially).  So I don't understand why a non-custodial parent who still provides for the kids does not get credit for spending hours of every day doing that.  Especially if this frees the mom up to spend more physical time with the kids.

 

If the dad was a real deadbeat dad (depending on how you define that), the mom would probably have to work long hours herself and then she wouldn't be able to talk about how she spends so much more of her time being hands-on with the kids.  In fact, a full-time working mom might get the same # of the kids' waking hours as the non-custodial dad when you do the math.  Of course, then you would hear complaints of "he gets to do all the fun stuff with them while I work my butt off."

[Miss Mousie]

Hmmm ... for those of you who say you only use the term "single mom" to refer to a woman who has sole or majority custody of her kids, how do you refer to a woman who has somewhere between half and zero custody of her kids? 

 

I think I land in the camp of "single dad = unmarried male who fathered a child" - regardless of why he is unmarried or what the custodial and financial circumstances are.  Those details are none of my business.  It seemed pretty cut and dried until I read all these other interpretations.  And frankly it strikes me as insulting to the males when the same scrutiny does not seem to be applied to the females.

 

I sure wish some of our few male Hivers would chime in. 

 

ETA:  It does push my buttons, though, when all a dad has to do to be showered with praise is take the kids out somewhere or show up for a school meeting, whereas a mom has to spin plates, juggle chainsaws and breastfeed simultaneously before anyone bats an eyelash.

 

 

[rocassie]

I think of it as single parent as in one parent not two.  A child has two parents biologically. By calling yourself a single parent, it indicates to me that for all intensive purposes you are parenting alone or with extremely low involvement of the other parent.  I would not consider you to be parenting alone if custody, financial support, and parenting decisions are shared equally.  Also, I wouldn't necessarily consider one to be a single parent if there is another person (I'm thinking like a step-parent, same-sex partner, long term partner, etc.) that shares the burden/responsibility of parenting.  

 

When a parent does have custody of the child for a length of time where the other parent cannot physically help, I do refer to them as a single because it conveys a meaning to others that the other parent isn't going to be able to help/be present.  

 

I wouldn't necessarily apply to to marriage status, although I can see how it could apply.

[Lolly]

To me it just means he is single and he is a dad. It has nothing to do with how much he has his kids. So people think that because you don't have custody of the kids you aren't a father?

[Slartibartfast]

I assume the same thing when someone says "single mom" That they are the custodial parent doing most of the care taking.

[stripe]

Yeah, I know a man who has raised his kids solo; I wouldn't call his ex-wife, who abandoned them and left the country a "single mother." I am not sure single parent = single + parent. I think it means something else. This is weird.

[Mimm]

Yeah, I know a man who has raised his kids solo; I wouldn't call his ex-wife, who abandoned them and left the country a "single mother." I am not sure single parent = single + parent. I think it means something else. This is weird.

 

I guess I would modify what I said above to be any single person who is a parent, not simply genetically, but who is contributing to the support and raising of a child in some way. I simply don't see "single parenthood" as something requiring minimal involvement of a co-parent in order to "qualify".

[La Condessa]

I always assumed that a single mom or a single dad was doing a significant portion of the parenting alone. I would never have thought to call a person by that term who is not involved in their children's lives on a day-to-day basis. The example given earlier of a non-custodial father who provides materially for his children, speaks with them daily by phone, and communicates with their mother regularly on parenting matters would probably qualify, though, as he spends a significant portion of his daily life caring for them.

 

I don't have a succinct term for a non-custodial less involved parent--I don't think there are many cases where one is needed, since parenting does not define a significant part of their life. If I wished to convey that information, I would just say something like, "His two kids come to see him every other weekend" or "She has kids, but they don't live with her."

 

That said, I don't care how others choose to use the terms, and this thread is helpful to me to know that others may not have the same connotations as me when they use them.

[jewellsmommy]

I think you run into issues if you start to define one as the "single parent" and the other as --- ? If a couple manages to split close to 50/50 then is neither a "single" parent?

 

I can see it now, "I'm a single dad with 50% custody." "well, I'm a single dad with 60% custody so hah. I'm more single than you." :huh: 

 

But, I also see that some dads may want and deserve the kind of respect that single moms get because most people assume that as the man they do less or have less custody. I guess you just have to let people identify themselves, and if you are really worried about accidentally giving them too much credit then you can ask what percentage of single parentage they have going on.

[Lara in Colo]

And this reminds me of a little pet peeve I have.  When some married moms whine that they are "actually single moms" because their husband works long hours or whatever.  Really?  So that paycheck, mutual support when hell's breaking loose, child guidance on the "big things," and very part-time domestic help are the same as nothing?  Way to appreciate the kids' dad.  :p  Sorry, a little off topic, but a dad who cares about his kids, contributes to their material care, and isn't a stranger to them, is a Dad.

 

I agree with this and although I am tempted to call myself a "single mother" since DH works 6 days a week and is never home at night until after the children are in bed.  Still I don't work.  I have to do all the house stuff (mowing, maint., upkeep, etc...)  and the child stuff (baths, teaching, arguments punishments, chores, cooking cleaning etc...) but still I don't go to work--- I get tired and I complain that is hard being a single mother (mostly when I need to move something heavy or bang my finger with a hammer or the lawn isn't mowed as often as my neighbors might want)-- but I would never state that I am a single mother--- because I "get " to do all of this stuff over the course of a 12ish hour day-- not squeezed into evenings and weekends. --- Of course next week I have to work 2 days a week and still handle all the other stuff too-- I might just change my mind about things (LOL)

[6packofun]

And this reminds me of a little pet peeve I have.  When some married moms whine that they are "actually single moms" because their husband works long hours or whatever.  Really?  So that paycheck, mutual support when hell's breaking loose, child guidance on the "big things," and very part-time domestic help are the same as nothing?  Way to appreciate the kids' dad.

 

Most of the times that I have heard a married woman say that she feels like a single mom is when a paycheck is pretty much the ONLY thing she and the kids are getting from an uninvolved/too busy/selfish husband and dad.  So, like a single mom who gets child support and the kids who have just occasional contact with dad.  Happens a lot.  (Wouldn't use the term myself, but I get *why* they might.  Depends on dear old dad/hubby.  lol)

 

[redsquirrel]

And this reminds me of a little pet peeve I have.  When some married moms whine that they are "actually single moms" because their husband works long hours or whatever.  Really?  So that paycheck, mutual support when hell's breaking loose, child guidance on the "big things," and very part-time domestic help are the same as nothing?  Way to appreciate the kids' dad.  :p  Sorry, a little off topic, but a dad who cares about his kids, contributes to their material care, and isn't a stranger to them, is a Dad.

 

pet peeve of mine as well

 

 

I agree with this and although I am tempted to call myself a "single mother" since DH works 6 days a week and is never home at night until after the children are in bed.  Still I don't work.  I have to do all the house stuff (mowing, maint., upkeep, etc...)  and the child stuff (baths, teaching, arguments punishments, chores, cooking cleaning etc...) but still I don't go to work--- I get tired and I complain that is hard being a single mother (mostly when I need to move something heavy or bang my finger with a hammer or the lawn isn't mowed as often as my neighbors might want)-- but I would never state that I am a single mother--- because I "get " to do all of this stuff over the course of a 12ish hour day-- not squeezed into evenings and weekends. --- Of course next week I have to work 2 days a week and still handle all the other stuff too-- I might just change my mind about things (LOL)

 

 

You know, I think it's all in the delivery. I have one SIL who always calls herself a 'single mom' all the time because her dh works long hours and weekends etc. But, she I think it is a passive aggressive thing against her husband. She is a big whiner/complainer and seems to think the world is out to get her. Her life is very nice due to all those hours her husband works. I am sure he could work less if she would shop a little less, kwim?

 

My other SIL, a military wife, has actually had her husband away for months and never complained and never called herself single. She might have said something like "It's difficult because I am on my own these days" but that was the extent of it.

 

When my dh has been gone on business for a couple weeks I say that I am 'solo parenting' because I sometimes need to explain why I can't do something or need some help with something. I might say 'Oh, can you bring younger kid home from that thing so I can go pick up older kid. I am solo this week and I could use another pair of hands"  But I wouldn't say "single parenting" because that is something entirely different in my head.

[Joanne]

I agree with this and although I am tempted to call myself a "single mother" since DH works 6 days a week and is never home at night until after the children are in bed.  Still I don't work.  I have to do all the house stuff (mowing, maint., upkeep, etc...)  and the child stuff (baths, teaching, arguments punishments, chores, cooking cleaning etc...) but still I don't go to work--- I get tired and I complain that is hard being a single mother (mostly when I need to move something heavy or bang my finger with a hammer or the lawn isn't mowed as often as my neighbors might want)-- but I would never state that I am a single mother--- because I "get " to do all of this stuff over the course of a 12ish hour day-- not squeezed into evenings and weekends. --- Of course next week I have to work 2 days a week and still handle all the other stuff too-- I might just change my mind about things (LOL)

 

 

I've been that mom;  I am now a single mom by any valid definition. ;)

 

When I was "solo parenting" while married to the kids' Dad or when I was married to Adrian and he was so sick, I did everything - I mean everything. But I did have some financial support. It was HARD. It was, in some ways, emotionally harder to solo parent because I had the expectation that I should not "have" to shoulder in all when I had a reasonable expectation of partnering.

 

Now, I do it all - including money. It's a different hard and the details of the resentment are simply shifted.

 

My emotional job/work is loving my kids more than hating or resenting the circumstances that got me here. My emotional maturity hinges on realizing that while the other people in the picture may not "deserve" forgiveness, I *do* and that it is up to me to move on productively and healthfully.