Adjusting to a new phase of life

[Trina in TX]

Hello everyone,

 

It has been eons since I've been on the forums.  We followed the Well Trained Mind for the majority of our homeschooling from K-8th, but when we hit the high school years my kids started doing dual credit classes and I found myself less involved in their schooling.  Well, I now have one sophomore in college and a senior in high school this year.  I don't know about you guys, but this is a really hard adjustment to make in my life.  My whole world has been homeschooling and caring for kids for the past 20 years and now I really don't know what to do in this next phase of life that is looming ahead of me. How have you handled this transition and does it get any easier letting go and moving forward?

 

Thanks for listening,

 

Trina

[dirty ethel rackham]

I wish I had an answer ... I am sailing similar waters.   2 kids in college this fall and dd is a freshman going part-time to high school and taking several online classes.  She isn't independent enough for me to start on my "act 3", but I am really not part of the homeschooling world so much.  I am in limbo.  I don't really have a ton of extra time yet, but my circle of people is shrinking.  If I don't actually seek people out to get together, I would have no reason to talk to another adult outside my home for weeks.

[Trina in TX]

Ellen,

 

I know exactly what you mean.  I still have one at home but she is independent, taking classes at a nearby university and has a part time job.  I wonder What do I do now?  Get a job?  Find a hobby?  I haven't been in the working world for 20 years and I'm scared to go back out there, plus, I am hesitant to turn my life over to a job after dictating my own schedule for so long.  I also don't have friends I talk to everyday so my contact with people, besides my husband, is slim unless I make an effort to make it happen.  I've always had my kids to keep me busy.  I wouldn't trade our homeschooling years for anything.  They are precious to me.   But during those years I never thought how lost I would be when it's all over.  I know this happens to all empty nesters, but this is not fun!

[Gwen in VA]

My youngest is heading to college tomorrow. Twenty years of homeschooling done in a flash.

 

I picked up tutoring and teaching math gradually as my youngest became increasingly independent, and this year I will pretty much be doing that full-time.

 

 

I wouldn't trade our homeschooling years for anything.  They are precious to me.   But during those years I never thought how lost I would be when it's all over.  I know this happens to all empty nesters, but this is not fun!

 

I completely agree with the above! :blink:

 

[creekland]

We're empty nesting now.  I guess we're a little different in that I worked part time for a long time and I still have that to keep me stable.  Hubby is still working his full time job too.

 

Nonetheless, it feels quite weird at home when it's so quiet and we're not expecting anyone home for dinner or a late night TV show.

 

We are treating ourselves to a month in the Bahamas this Feb with my mom, so we have that to look forward to, but other than that, not much is changing aside from things staying cleaner after I clean them - and our food budget has plummeted (if you don't count the food portion of college expenses).  Laundry loads are fewer too.

[The Girls' Mom]

I'm staring this in the face as well.

 

My oldest is DE this year, and only has a few subjects at home (things like Econ and Personal Finance that really don't require my involvement).  She graduates this year.  My younger two will be DE next year, so my free time is expanding.  Once they can drive themselves to CC, I will have to really find things to do with myself!

 

I'm trying to get back into my artwork, and I'm toying with the idea of ramping up the photography business (but I'm not really feeling that in our recession economy).  

[Jenny in Florida]

Our daughter, who went to college early and then came home and worked for a couple of years, moved out and relocated to NYC in June. And we moved our son--our youngest--into his dorm yesterday. I just broke down in tears when I opened the refrigerator and saw two cans of the root beer he drinks sitting on the top shelf. So, yeah, "lost" is a pretty good description.

 

As for how I'm handling it, aside from "not well," I'm planning to work more. I started tutoring online very part time a little over a year ago when he started dual enrollment and I was no longer homeschooling in a hands-on way. Over the summer, I started looking for a second part-time job, and I was hired as a study skills/exam prep teacher at a tutoring center just a few weeks ago. I've opted to keep the two part-time jobs, both of which offer fairly flexible scheduling, rather than look for a single job with more hours so that I can be available if either of the kids needs anything in the coming months.

 

In addition to more work for pay, I'm taking advantage of free and cheap opportunities to refresh my education and get new stuff on my resume. I'm taking a series of free classes at our local library to brush up on my Microsoft Suite knowledge. (I use Word all the time, but I'm less familiar with PowerPoint and Excel, etc.) I may try testing to become a certified user, but even if I don't bother with that, it's recent training to list on my resume. I'm also taking a few Coursera classes and am considering earning one of their certificates in something related to education.

 

I'd rather be homeschooling. I  miss having my kids around. But keeping busy is better than moping. 

 

 

[Hoggirl]

My ds went to a B&M school for the last three and a half years, so I had to transition out of the homeschooling mode when that started. It was VERY hard for me. A lot of my identity came from being a homeschooling mom. Quite honestly, it was also an excuse to disengage from many things. I kind of used homseschooling as an excuse not to do much else, so I didn't have a lot to fall back on then. I was part of a pretty dang good homeschooling group, too, and that community was quite suddenly absent when ds enrolled in school. I am still friends with some of the moms, but I wasn't an official member anymore. After he enrolled in his small charter school (his graduating class had 70 students), I slowly but surely got involved in the charter school community and made many friends of ds's friends' parents. Besides, ds still needed me to drive him everywhere until his senior year. Even when I didn't have to drive him anymore, his senior year was so crazy busy that I still felt plenty busy. Now that he has graduated *that* community is gone. Yes, I am still friends with some of those moms, but once again, I am no longer officially affiliated with that group. Notwithstanding the fact that I have two degrees and two professional licenses, I have not worked in eleven years, and I feel like I have zero marketable skills! I have decided to start doing some volunteering. I have actually started NOW so that I have something in place after ds leaves - not allowing myself any time to wallow in self-pity proclaiming that I have nothing to do. I am volunteering at an organization a couple of afternoons a week. I think it is going to be a good fit for me! Since ds has not yet launched, I can't attest to how effective this will be at softening the blow, but volunteering is the way I am going.

[Sunshine State Sue]

I'd rather be homeschooling. I  miss having my kids around. But keeping busy is better than moping. 

:iagree: I miss the pre-puberty days in particular.

 

I felt called to homeschool.  It was my purpose in life and now it's done.  Anything else I think about to replace it does not have the same conviction.  And yet, I think about this time in my life, and I consider the years ahead as my "bonus" years.  How will I spend them?  By doing things I enjoy.

 

I've always worked part-time.  I can understand now the empty nesters who turn their energy towards their career.  I have to make a bit of a concerted effort to not let work fill the void - it would be so easy to do - because there are other pursuits that I think would be more fulfilling for me.  The vast majority of women I know return to the work force to help out with college expenses and retirement funding.

 

I sing in a community choir.  I frequent the gym.  I volunteer as a math tutor.  I volunteer as a tax preparer during the season.  I self-study nutrition.  I just planted my first vegetable garden this week.  I've had a goal to take physics and pass it since freshman year in college.  My sister and I intend to start self-study after Labor Day.  I plan to take a steel drum ensemble class starting next month.

 

My most important goal is to develop a stronger social network.  I work 30hr/wk from home, my husband is an introvert, and I am too isolated.  This is more difficult than all the above and yet is most satisfying for me.

 

:grouphug: as you navigate through this next phase of your life.

[Sunshine State Sue]

Life after homeschooling

 

 

[creekland]

I'll admit to being pretty restless right now - moreso than I've been in a long, long time.  I'm back at work (school) and all is going 100% well here job-wise and social-wise, so that's not any part of the issue.  I just get the feeling that I want to be doing something else - but no clue what or where.  I'm wondering if it's my wanderlust nature or if I just miss having my boys around.

 

Hubby is entrenched with his business/job, so we can't just pick up and move.

 

Perhaps it's a phase related to empty nesting? 

 

I'm wondering if the phase is going to slowly die off and I'll feel back to normal with my life or if it will build until we do make some major changes.  That is a "we" because hubby would have to be on board, but I think he could be pending what the changes were.

 

For now, I guess I'll just wait and see what happens, but it definitely feels "different."

 

Best wishes to all who are dealing with this or similar feelings.

[Jenny in Florida]

I felt called to homeschool. It was my purpose in life and now it's done. Anything else I think about to replace it does not have the same conviction.

 

Exactly. I was chatting with my daughter last night, who kept trying to cheer me up. She reminded me that I have rhings going, plans for new things to do, that I am buildimg a new life. But, as I said to her, I don't want a new life. I liked the life I had.

[Pawz4me]

Currently I'm filling the void of oldest being gone and youngest being in high school by deep cleaning like a fiend.  And then I'm going to tackle painting the entire house inside.  I figure that will keep me occupied until spring, when it's possible we'll put the house on the market if we can find something we want to downsize to.  And then?  I have no idea.  In November I will have been out of the working world for 19 years.  I have no real marketable skills.  I have no desire to get a minimum wage job, and I have zero desire to go back to school at this point in my life.  Maybe I'll get back into volunteering.  Or maybe I'll just hermitize myself. ;)

[creekland]

Oh boy, this was a hard one for me, in so many ways. I thought I was doing fine after ds left last year, but then I began to feel lost. During the winter that never seemed to end I began fantasizing and making plans for all the amazing things we'd do this summer. Then a day after he came home, my little brother died. Soon after that mil came to live with us while going thru chemo and radiation, then in July my husband had a heart attack and quadruple bypass. Last week our dog had to be euthanized. I'm packing my son's stuff today, and I can honestly say I will be glad for him to be back at school. He had a miserable summer, but we all realize now a bit more about what the important things in life really are. I don't know if I'm explaining it very well. Things will and do get better eventually. I'm no longer dreaming about what we'll do in the future, but learning to take things one day at a time, to concentrate more on today.

 

It's definitely good to put things into proper perspective.  Thank you for doing so, but  :grouphug: for being able to do so with such personal examples.

[Azalea]

Oh boy, this was a hard one for me, in so many ways. I thought I was doing fine after ds left last year, but then I began to feel lost. During the winter that never seemed to end I began fantasizing and making plans for all the amazing things we'd do this summer. Then a day after he came home, my little brother died. Soon after that mil came to live with us while going thru chemo and radiation, then in July my husband had a heart attack and quadruple bypass. Last week our dog had to be euthanized. I'm packing my son's stuff today, and I can honestly say I will be glad for him to be back at school. He had a miserable summer, but we all realize now a bit more about what the important things in life really are. I don't know if I'm explaining it very well. Things will and do get better eventually. I'm no longer dreaming about what we'll do in the future, but learning to take things one day at a time, to concentrate more on today.

 

Thank you for sharing your story.

[OhanaBee]

I'm staring this smack in the face.  Oldest is now married with a baby of her own, middle graduated from community college last spring and moved over the mountains to university last week.  My youngest, I'll have her for two more years, but she's now DE and needing a lot less of me.

 

Last year I started a pt job for financial reasons so that's occupying my time.  And I've found more time to volunteer at church.  But I'm such an introvert that I'd just rather be at home, puttering away.  Dh does NOT understand that.  He's working from home and going after his doctorate so he can teach full-time [hence the reason I went back to work] and LOVES to be around people.  In his mind, I should be celebrating the end of homeschooling because I can get out and interact with humans.  <sigh>

 

But I also really miss the days of sitting around, reading aloud to each other and having the girls write long essays about their various pets.

[Brenda in MA]

I wouldn't trade our homeschooling years for anything.  They are precious to me.

I agree. I feel so blessed to have been able to spend so many years and so much time with my kids. I think we are all better people for the experience.

 

I'm facing empty nesthood in less than a week when we drop youngest off at college. I'm going to miss him terribly. What is getting me through this so far is the volunteer work I've been doing at my parish and also a lot of good friends who are in similar situations. I've felt humbled lately by how many have called or sent emails to check in with me to see how I'm doing. Many have offered to go for coffee or to a movie as well.

 

I'm still not sure exactly what I'll do long-term, but I think I'd like a part-time job, and I know that I will stay involved at church. Although I know that I'll never get those early years with the kids back, I'm trusting the Lord that he has big plans for my future if only I put myself at His service.

 

Trina & others -- I'll be praying for all of you that you will be able to find meaning in your new life state.

 

Brenda

[Lori D.]

deleting

[creekland]

deleting

 

Deleting your life?  :lol:   Isn't that rather a major/permanent adjustment?  I don't know that I can go that far. ;)

 

(ps  I hope all is well.)

 

[FaithManor]

I have four years left, but dd getting married last year and moving away, and ds and my accident changing the scope of his senior year and upcoming college plans, made me think long and hard about these kind of life issues. This year with intensive physical therapy for many months and lots of medical appointments could be my most difficult homeschooling year ever. If we survive it and he graduates on time in decent health, he will become a commuter student most likely because his second year post accident must still be spent close to his docs and pt experts. He may need some help from us in figuring out how to balance his competitive academic college goals with his physical needs. I always thought I would be dropping him off at a dorm, and going back to work subbing part time because the other two are extraordinarily independent learners and need me on a limited basis. I have spent this past year making strides toward a future event planning business, but my own PT and ortho docs seem to think that my ankle and knee will not recover well enough for me to pursue that. We will see. I am determined and contractually obligated for a Jan. 3rd wedding. My healthy teen boys will be getting a workout!

 

The best laid plans of mice and men...

 

Now I am in limbo as to what I will do when the last one leaves the nest. I do need to do something to bolster our retirement savings since we took a bit of a bath when the housing bubble burst and Michigan itself actually went into a depression, not just a recession. I want to contribute for a few years so dh won't be 70 and still working way too many hours like my dad who can never recover the losses he sustained in his small business. (Dad is 71 and health is failing fast.)

 

All I can say is despite four years to go, I am feeling unsettled already and nervous. I cannot imagine how much worse it would be if "A" were graduating this year and heading off to college. I hope you are all still hanging out here when the time comes!

[Mom22ns]

I'm reading this thread with great trepidation. I have 3 years left, but I know my role is decreasing with each passing year. Ds is doing college applications now and will move out next fall. Dd will start dual enrollment in the spring, and although we still have a few years together, she is so independent, between gym, work and outside classes, there will be little left for me to do except pay the bills ;). 

 

I do think homeschooling makes the empty next syndrome a bit more dramatic. For families whose children were in a B&M school, they are used to the nest being empty 8 hours a day, plus outside activity time. It is a bit different for us. Our investment is higher. Not that we love our kids more, I don't meant that, but that we are used to investing so much time and energy in them, we haven't had the same opportunities to develop other interests.

 

I have started tutoring this year. Part of me hopes that I will gradually increase my tutoring hours over the next 3 years and that it will replace my homeschooling hours with some extra income to help pay for college. I'm just not sure though. Really, right now, I'm feeling quite lost.

[Lori D.]

(ps  I hope all is well.)

 

Thanks Creekland, but no, all is not really well.

 

I deleted to remove what was possibly TMI, and certainly unhelpful "pity partying". The upshot was that this will be my third year of no homeschooling since graduating both DSs, and if anything, the adjustment just grows harder and the emptiness and pain worse, in spite of all the volunteering, mentoring, teaching at co-ops, and trying to "fill with hobbies". :(

 

I'm sure this is partly due to just learning this summer that I'm going to be the only person available to be the main helper to walk 2 people (1 family, 1 friend) with terminal illnesses through end-of-life issues sometime in the next 2-3 years, when they deteriorate to the point of needing help.

[regentrude]

Thanks Creekland, but no, all is not really well.

 

I deleted to remove what was possibly TMI, and certainly unhelpful "pity partying". The upshot was that this will be my third year of no homeschooling since graduating both DSs, and if anything, the adjustment just grows harder and the emptiness and pain worse, in spite of all the volunteering, mentoring, teaching at co-ops, and trying to "fill with hobbies". :(

 

I'm sure this is partly due to just learning this summer that I'm going to be the only person available to be the main helper to walk 2 people (1 family, 1 friend) with terminal illnesses through end-of-life issues sometime in the next 2-3 years, when they deteriorate to the point of needing help.

 

:grouphug:

Lori, you have been the giver of so much support on this board -  you should feel free to pity party and ask for commiseration all you need!

 

Best wishes, I am sorry you are having a difficult time.

[creekland]

Thanks Creekland, but no, all is not really well.

 

I deleted to remove what was possibly TMI, and certainly unhelpful "pity partying". The upshot was that this will be my third year of no homeschooling since graduating both DSs, and if anything, the adjustment just grows harder and the emptiness and pain worse, in spite of all the volunteering, mentoring, teaching at co-ops, and trying to "fill with hobbies". :(

 

I'm sure this is partly due to just learning this summer that I'm going to be the only person available to be the main helper to walk 2 people (1 family, 1 friend) with terminal illnesses through end-of-life issues sometime in the next 2-3 years, when they deteriorate to the point of needing help.

 

Ditto what Regentrude said... and tons of  :grouphug: .

 

I like to think our board is here for the good, bad, and ugly that we deal with so any of us can have "someone" we can share and/or vent with as needed.

 

If that doesn't seem appropriate with your specifics, no matter what, the  :grouphug:  (and prayers) are definitely there.

[Jane in NC]

Sending Lori and anyone else who may need it love and support. 

 

Our success at homeschooling is followed by the bittersweet act of watching our children young adults leave to find their way in the world.  Really, we would not want it any other way.

 

I lost my Mom when my son was in high school; my Dad a year ago before my son began his final year of college. There are some changes in life that are easier to swallow than others. 

 

But some interesting opportunities have presented themselves at my door in the last few years.  I am developing new skill sets, spending more time with the next generation--both in my community and within my own family where suddenly my adult nieces and nephews are having children of their own, my "grands" as I call them.

 

I am quite excited to see what happens for my son and his serious girlfriend in the coming years. 

 

For me, this post homeschooling phase is one of discovery on new and different levels.

 

 

And if I get bored, I'll stick out my thumb and join Creekland in her RV.  :auto:  Coming to a town near you!

[madteaparty]

Thanks Creekland, but no, all is not really well.

 

I deleted to remove what was possibly TMI, and certainly unhelpful "pity partying". The upshot was that this will be my third year of no homeschooling since graduating both DSs, and if anything, the adjustment just grows harder and the emptiness and pain worse, in spite of all the volunteering, mentoring, teaching at co-ops, and trying to "fill with hobbies". :(

 

I'm sure this is partly due to just learning this summer that I'm going to be the only person available to be the main helper to walk 2 people (1 family, 1 friend) with terminal illnesses through end-of-life issues sometime in the next 2-3 years, when they deteriorate to the point of needing help.

Lori, I am in a different stage of life now but just want to say your generous, researched, specific posts have been such a help to me. Thank you.

[Lori D.]

Ladies, thank you so very much for your kind words, good wishes, and prayers. I am deeply touched by your sympathy and concern. You are lovely people and I am so honored to participate on this Board with you all. :)

[Mom22ns]

I deleted to remove what was possibly TMI, and certainly unhelpful "pity partying". The upshot was that this will be my third year of no homeschooling since graduating both DSs, and if anything, the adjustment just grows harder and the emptiness and pain worse, in spite of all the volunteering, mentoring, teaching at co-ops, and trying to "fill with hobbies". :(

 

Can I just say thank you for having the courage to say this. This is my second greatest fear. My greatest fear is that not only will I feel this way, but that no one will understand. I know it makes me sound like a weirdo, but I already think of you as a friend. You share your time and resources so generously. We all have people on the boards whose advice we look to and respect and you are one of those people for me. Being brave enough to admit how hard this transition has been for you, just makes me feel that much closer to you.

 

I hope that doesn't make me sound like a total creeper. 

 

:grouphug:

[Lori D.]

Oh my yes, of course! We are good friends. Not a creeper at all! (On the other hand, *I* am a bit of a zombie, complete with terrible bed-head, first thing in the morning, which is pretty scary…)

[-M-]

Hello everyone,

 

How have you handled this transition and does it get any easier letting go and moving forward?

 

 

So timely a question for me! I was just writing about the transition last week on the "Book a Week" thread.

 

My nineteen-year-long gig as home educator ended about 2.5 months earlier than I had planned, when in June the Misses decided to enroll in two summer courses at the local college while they were at fall orientation and registration. At first, I filled the time with MOOCs and reading and a volunteer gig at the library and yard work and biking (Oh, my aching saddle!) and assorted adventures. As the fall semester approached, though, and as, from their work in the summer courses, it became clear that the Misses are most certainly prepared (hence, my work here is done), I felt as if I were supposed to announce my what-comes-next.

 

Darn that work ethic, right? Heh, heh, heh.

 

Fifty should bring a sort of wisdom, though, so I have chosen to do nothing rather than leap into something, anything, simply to fill the empty spaces.

 

Smart move.

 

Some things I've learned / realized over the last ten weeks: I really don't wish to return to school, either for a Ph.D. in my (some have said useless) field or for training in some "highly employable" field. I don't want to adopt another pet. I don't want either of the two jobs that fell into my lap.

 

I will never like cooking, but I need to acquire a few more skills in kitchen. I still wish to learn flute. I plan to read Proust. And I am still keen to earn my raptor rehabilitation license.

 

I haven't made a major market sale since *gulp* 2005. I never finished the home study course in ornithology. My camera and piano books have dust on them. And my TBR piles have TBR piles.

 

I don't want a house with more land; I may want to move back to the city. I am unconcerned about "getting thin"; I simply want to be fit and flexible and healthy.

 

I really cannot tolerate contemporary YA fiction, anymore -- nor horror fiction and movies, pizza past 8 p.m., and too much sitting.

 

And so on.

 

For me, a successful transition from what was to what comes next involves figuring out how to best use my time. Interesting, sobering, even, to think I've spent more years than I have remaining. I'd like to use them... wisely, in ways that continue to enliven my sense of self and in ways that (continue to) benefit my family.

[Hoggirl]

http://knowsymoms.com/the-art-of-letting-go/

 

This was a nice piece.

[JennW in SoCal]

Threads like this remind me that I was fortunate my transition began while I was still actively homeschooling.  There wasn't a sudden moment when the house was empty, but a gradual weaning from being the teacher, chauffeur and life organizer, and a simultaneous build up of a new career.   Within a year of my oldest leaving for college, my youngest started taking community college classes, becoming practically a full time student there his senior year in high school. About the same time my husband started working from home full time.  I learned to have a new rhythm to my days, got used to having chunks of time to do with as I pleased. The next step to being empty nesters wasn't that difficult, and my dh and I enjoy being a couple again.

 

In the middle of our homeschool journey I started playing violin again thanks to all the musicals and choir programs my oldest was in.  I had been away from the instrument for almost 15 years but suddenly was always in the pit orchestra whether my ds was on stage or in the tech booth.  Over the years I started getting hired to play shows he wasn't a part of, and started getting asked to teach.  I play professionally now, have a handful of students, and am in the position of turning down work.  It is an unexpected and satisfying turn in my life, and something I will continue for the rest of my life.

 

It doesn't mean I am indifferent to saying good bye at the end of each vacation and it doesn't mean that I don't miss those special days of reading aloud while snuggled on the couch. And I of course wish they would call or at least text a little more often!  And I worry and fret.  But they have such wonderful and interesting lives -- I am so happy for them. And I'm proud knowing that who they are and the things they are accomplishing is largely due to our 12-year homeschool project.  

 

I don't think I'll ever let go of identifying myself as a homeschool mom.  I'm still a teacher.  I still find myself researching and planning for my kids (though I don't share it with them anymore unless they ask for an opinion :laugh: ).  And I'm still here, blithely giving advice to moms with kids of all ages.  What we've done, homeschooling our kids, is unique and special and magical, and it isn't something easily left behind.  Nor should it be left behind!!