s/o disorganized adults & ADHD/ Executive functioning

[shanvan]

I read most of the disorganized husband thread, but didn't respond.  I am dealing with this in a huge way.  Backstory is that Dh lost his job of 25 years a little over a year ago.  He was very comfortable in that job, he knew it inside and out and even ran the business in the owners absence.  I *thought* he was very organized and very methodical.  

 

He has a new job now and it is going well, but since he has a completely different routine he is showing classic signs of executive functioning disorder.  I am firmly convinced he has undiagnosed ADHD.  Before he had some issues that annoyed me at times, but now they have become so magnified that we can't get through a day without one of them affecting us.  

 

I won't list everything Dh is doing/not doing, but we are all becoming frustrated with him and b/c I deal with EF issues in Dd, I am fairly certain Dh has had these issues his entire life.  He just coped with them very well in the past b/c he knew his job really well and we had a routine.  I thought all the financial issues of job loss were going to be bad (and they were/are) but the tailspin this has put dh in is far worse.  He experiences frustration related to his lack of organization of time and resources daily, and the rest of us are along for the frustrating ride.  I am afraid it will show up in his workplace too.

 

SO, this is not a thread to bash Dh, b/c I definitely don't want to do that.  I think he really needs help, but I'm not sure how to give it to him.  I am concerned about how to handle the issue too, b/c I know the unemployment had a big effect on his mental outlook.

 

Have you dealt with an adult like this?

 

Did you address the issue head on?  Did you convince the person to investigate ADHD as a cause?

 

Or did you simply suggest coping strategies?  Did you put coping strategies in place for the person?  Did that work?

 

After Dh forgot something he was told at work I *think* I convinced him to keep a small notebook of things to remember and to make a habit of reviewing that book every single morning and at lunch and dinner.  But, one of Dh's biggest problems is he will follow that routine for a while until it is working and then stop b/c he doesn't think he has a problem anymore.  Then he's back to 'forgetting' things again.  

 

 

[kewb]

My dh has executive function challenges. I recommend seeing a specialist who deals with adult add or executive function. They are few and far between but worth it.

[kbutton]

I think you will have to tread carefully because of the timing of this with his job. I am so sorry.

 

If he is open to the idea that he has a problem, and he's seen you help your DD successfully, maybe you can use that as a bridge to discuss his issues. If he's frustrated, maybe he'll be open to new information if he can accept it without feeling defective or without recourse to fix things.

[LucyStoner]

When my husband with ADD was diagnosed as an adult and began medication and coaching around those issues, out lives radically improved.

 

His smartphone has replaced the thousands of little bits of paper he used to try to remember things with. He sets reminders on his phone, takes notes on his phone and he religiously uses our shared calendar. He'd have never been able to without a bit of medicine though.

 

Does your husband drink a lot of caffeine? A lot of undiagnosed adults with ADD or ADHD self medicate by doing a lot of caffeine. Once my husband was on his meds, his coffee intake dropped down to average.

[PeterPan]

Ditto the smart phone.  It's the device you always have with you, and he can put things onto there and have it sync with all his other devices (computer at home, computer at work).  (Calendar, Wunderlist, OneNote, whatever).  The phone will also REMIND HIM rather than it being this thing that he has to remember to do, checking a piece of paper.  And he can talk to the phone to add things to the calendar, etc.  Just does not make sense to fiddle with paper.  Use the technology.

 

Unfortunately, men at a point get set in their ways.  Some men really like having the fastest and best of something, so the fun factor of the technology might encourage him to use it more.  If your assessment is correct, he's going through a lot of transitions.  Transitions are hard too.  

[Liz CA]

Two pronged approach would be ideal but either one is better than none: Have him work out some routines (like your notebook idea) to make his work life easier. Don't expect too much at home because work by its very nature of "making a living" ranks higher than home life when it comes to being organized and alert. Perhaps ask him to select two things at home that cause the most upheaval and ask him to make a concerted effort to be more organized. These may be small things since he has a new job and that is overwhelming enough for him right now until he has developed a routine.

 

Second would be finding a good doctor and seeing if he wants to go on some medication. I understand that this is controversial because Ritalin as well as Adderall can have some side effects.

 

[Unicorn.]

Back before smart phones, dh was given a palm pilot for Christmas.. it literally saved our marriage.  Now he uses his phone to keep track of everything, make lists, etc, takes fish oil daily, and last year also got on Adderall.   I wouldn't worry about sparing feelings.  Just tell him you think he needs to look into it.  Ad/HD is usually hereditary... point out that since you have been researching your dd, you see where he also fits in certain areas.  If he wants to do a good job at work, he might appreciate the insight.