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Breaking the "How are you?" Habit (s/o)


marbel
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In the thread about church greeters someone mentioned the question "how are you?"

 

This has become such a superficial question, at least in my experience and practice.  I have become more aware of it lately because a person I know gets really nasty when asked it in a casual way -  more as a greeting than a real question.  I think her reaction is rude, but it did start me thinking about "how are you?" as a greeting rather than a sincere question.

 

I think there is a difference between "Hey, good to see you, how are ya?" and "I'd really like to know how you are doing."    But still I think some people find it a difficult question. 

 

But it's a hard habit to break.  I started asking "are you having a good day?" but that is really no better.  (And when I tested it on the woman mentioned above, she sneered at me just like she did when I asked how she was."    And of course if the answer is "no" where do you go with it? 

 

Maybe a question is not needed, but after a lifetime of training to ask people questions in order to keep a conversation going... so if I don't ask something, I am left with nothing to say.  Except maybe to talk about the weather.

 

What do you think about "how are you?" as a casual question?   Do you have a good alternative when you want to say more than "hello" to someone?

 

Maybe I am just hopelessly socially awkward.

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I don't ask "how are you" unless I genuinely want to know. I hate the casual use of the phrase... I try to answer with what I think people are casually saying with things like "isn't this weather gorgeous," or "it's so good to see you."

 

I usually greet with:

Hi

Glad to see you

I am so glad you could make it

What have you been up to lately?

Good morning!

Welcome!

Compliment of some variety...

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The reality is that "How are you?" is meant to be NOTHING MORE than a greeting.  It's the Americanized version of "How do you do?"  

 

The ONLY acceptable response is "I'm fine, thank you.  How are you?"  And to that, "Fine, thank you."  

 

Or "I'm well, thank you.  How are you?"

 

I don't think you are socially hopeless at all.  :0)  I think you have been channeling Miss Manners but other people haven't.  

 

Even among my close friends, some of whom I am well aware are NOT fine, when we greet each other, we say, "Hey--how ARE you?"  "Fine thanks!"  And then we chat about nothing for a few minutes and then if we are in the right place, we can get into, "Now, really, how ARE you?"  That intervening chat gives us time to pick up clues as to whether the other person really does have something they want to talk about.  

 

Anyway, there are other variations...but I always feel like a fool saying them, because they are not really from my generation or geographical location or demographic.  

 

Wazzup?

How ya be? 

What's up?

Howzit?

Howzit going?

Hey bud.

 

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The habit I wanted to break was asking the question, "What do you do?" when getting to know someone.  It always felt like a question intended to let me categorize someone...and when I was asked that question, it often felt like I was being categorized.  THAT is a hard question to replace, at least it was for me.  But I did eventually break the habit and now I have no clue what half the people in our parish do for a living.  LOL  

 

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I often ask, "Are you having a good week?" or "What have you been up to this week?".  This is probably because I often see people on a weekly basis like the other parents at YMCA sports classes or the secretary at the speech therapy place.  Asking about their week seems to give them an opening to mention one or two stand out things (we hosted a dinner party, little Suzy learned to ride her bike, our drier and dishwasher both died on the same day!) more than asking about just that day.

 

But, take this with a grain of salt, because I know I am very socially awkward, so I could be doing it completely wrong.

 

Wendy

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I agree "how are you?" is often nothing more than a superficial greeting, and the person asking rarely wants an answer other than "fine, how are you?"

 

it goes back to the "we need to improve on things" mentality.   but it is also the person on the receiving end needing to :chillpill: because it is merely a superficial pleasantry/greeting.

 

 

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In the thread about church greeters someone mentioned the question "how are you?"

 

This has become such a superficial question, at least in my experience and practice.  I have become more aware of it lately because a person I know gets really nasty when asked it in a casual way -  more as a greeting than a real question.  I think her reaction is rude, but it did start me thinking about "how are you?" as a greeting rather than a sincere question.

 

I think there is a difference between "Hey, good to see you, how are ya?" and "I'd really like to know how you are doing."    But still I think some people find it a difficult question. 

 

But it's a hard habit to break.  I started asking "are you having a good day?" but that is really no better.  (And when I tested it on the woman mentioned above, she sneered at me just like she did when I asked how she was."    And of course if the answer is "no" where do you go with it? 

 

Maybe a question is not needed, but after a lifetime of training to ask people questions in order to keep a conversation going... so if I don't ask something, I am left with nothing to say.  Except maybe to talk about the weather.

 

What do you think about "how are you?" as a casual question?   Do you have a good alternative when you want to say more than "hello" to someone?

 

Maybe I am just hopelessly socially awkward.

 

In society, greeting others with a pleasant but shallow comment is not a bad thing. It's a *greeting.* Does anyone really think it would be a good idea, beneficial in any way, if when we greet each other on a Sunday morning in the foyer before church we would go into details about our grief and pain?

 

Really?

 

If you *really* want to know how someone is doing, visit during the week, in his home, or call him on the phone and chat. Or go out for coffee. Or invite him and his family over for a meal. IOW, you should be involved in his life.

 

"Good morning! How are you?" "Fine, thanks, and you?" is just fine.

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After my baby died and I was suffering from severe depression, I hated, hated, hated when people said, "How are you?"  I know what they expected me to say, but I was not at all fine and had no desire to even pretend I was with a superficial reply.  Because of my experience, I rarely ever say, "How are you" unless I really want to know.

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After my baby died and I was suffering from severe depression, I hated, hated, hated when people said, "How are you?" I know what they expected me to say, but I was not at all fine and had no desire to even pretend I was with a superficial reply. Because of my experience, I rarely ever say, "How are you" unless I really want to know.

This was true for me, too. I felt like wearing a sign that said, "I am not fine. I am faking it."

 

A lot of times I said, "it's not my best day ever," or, "i have been better, but thanks for asking."

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In society, greeting others with a pleasant but shallow comment is not a bad thing. It's a *greeting.* Does anyone really think it would be a good idea, beneficial in any way, if when we greet each other on a Sunday morning in the foyer before church we would go into details about our grief and pain?

 

No, that is why people who are really hurting or having crazy problems don't like to be asked. Maybe it would be better to revert to something like, "hope your morning is going well," rather than asking a question. Why does person being greeted need to lie in order to be socially acceptable? Sometimes people are not fine.

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On a related subject, I don't really know how to reply to small-talk questions, unless they are comments about the weather or the situation at hand, i.e., "brrr! They keep this building so cold!" Or, "i could hardly find the door, it's raining so hard!" But if they say, "so, what have your kids been up to," or, "what have you been doing?" I swear, I blank! All possible responses drain from my brain and all that is offered up is, "oh, they've been so busy," or, "nothing special." I know these are equally useless and give the asker not a thing to glom onto. I can't seem to help it! I don't want to be one of those moms who constantly regales everyone with her busy schedule, so I steer clear of the "my crazy life" theme. OTOH, what else is there to offer?

 

I just think I suck at small talk.

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I had not given a lot of thought until our pastor and his wife's baby developed infantile spasms and became profoundly disabled/delayed. They were going througj hell and  the first Sunday she came to church with him after he was stabilized, sure enoiugh the greeter pulled a cheerful "How ya doin'?" He should have known better. Everyone in ministry positions had been properly prepped  on their situation. She swallowed hard and tried to answer, but choked and fled in tears. "It is so good to see you here today. Let me carry the diaper bag for you", would have been a million times better.

 

Since our accident, I am even more keenly aware. The first Sunday we came back, ds was in his wheelchair with a splint on his leg, pillows propping the leg up, supporting his knee, scars on his face, and I was barely moving along with the walker, dh hovering. The greeter looked at us and said, " How are you?" We obviously weren't doing okay nor in the mood to lie about it so dh said, "We are managing." A true statement at least. The greeter looked at him and said, "You look fine!" Really buddy, we look fine???

 

Possibly, some training on alternative greetings and chit chat would be wise. "Good to see you here today. Please take a bulletin." Sometimes the common greeting is too loaded.

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When I'm greeting at church I usually just say "good morning!" and possibly "nice to see you this morning".  Or maybe "Do you need any help?" if someone looks confused or is struggling.   

 

However, I think of "how are you" as a standard greeting in the US (or at least in the upper midwest), and although I'm not sure to use generically as a church greeter, I generally think it is totally fine and shouldn't be assigned malicious intent. 

 

Sometimes I will also say "What is new with you?"   "Or what's going on in your family?".  But more typically when I come across a friend and have a few minutes to talk. 

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I just wonder if in some circumstances any sort of greeting could be misconstrued by someone who is really suffering?  Is really "Good morning." better than "How are you?".  If it's not going well, both probably sound and feel horrible.  I have certainly had days where I didn't want to hear any of this kind of thing.  But hind sight, I felt like that was about me at the time not being capable of engaging with strangers and not about people just living their lives and using social niceties.   It's a hard balance. 

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On a related subject, I don't really know how to reply to small-talk questions, unless they are comments about the weather or the situation at hand, i.e., "brrr! They keep this building so cold!" Or, "i could hardly find the door, it's raining so hard!" But if they say, "so, what have your kids been up to," or, "what have you been doing?" I swear, I blank! All possible responses drain from my brain and all that is offered up is, "oh, they've been so busy," or, "nothing special." I know these are equally useless and give the asker not a thing to glom onto. I can't seem to help it! I don't want to be one of those moms who constantly regales everyone with her busy schedule, so I steer clear of the "my crazy life" theme. OTOH, what else is there to offer?

 

I just think I suck at small talk.

 

I have a really hard time with answers to questions like that too.  I totally blank as well.

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After my baby died and I was suffering from severe depression, I hated, hated, hated when people said, "How are you?"  I know what they expected me to say, but I was not at all fine and had no desire to even pretend I was with a superficial reply.  Because of my experience, I rarely ever say, "How are you" unless I really want to know.

This is listed by so many people who have suffered loss as the one of the worst things you can say. 

 

Emily

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I don't ask "how are you" unless I genuinely want to know. I hate the casual use of the phrase... I try to answer with what I think people are casually saying with things like "isn't this weather gorgeous," or "it's so good to see you."

 

I usually greet with:

Hi

Glad to see you

I am so glad you could make it

What have you been up to lately?

Good morning!

Welcome!

Compliment of some variety...

Bold above is sometimes meant as the equivalent of "How are you?"  People don't always want a run down of all your current activities.  I dislike having to answer this question b/c there is really too much to list and if you want me to prioritize on the spot, you clearly think I'm younger and have more available brain cells.  I think most people expect some version of "Same old, same old" as a response.

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Say what you mean and mean what you say. I agree no one has malicious intent using that nonsensical phrase in that context but really, nonsense with good intentions is no excuse if you ask me.  Why not say something that makes sense with good intentions?

I hate it when people ask things they don't want to know or say things they don't actually mean.  I think "How are you?" as a greeting that means, "Hello" is a socially acceptable form of mild insanity here in the US and I hope it ends yesterday. I don't support crazy, no matter how good intentioned.  "How are you?"  should only be asked if 1. someone actually wants to know and 2. it's an appropriate time and place. It's really isn't hard to shift to, "Hi.  I'm glad to see you." or something similar which is what the person asking "How are you?" really means.

 

Asking, "How are you?" as door greeter with dozens or hundreds of people making their way in in a few minutes just makes the greeters look silly and sound awkward.

 

"Hi, I'm glad to see you."

"Hi, I'm glad to see you."

"Hi, I'm glad to see you."

"Hi, I'm glad to see you."

"Hi, I'm glad to see you."

"Hi, I'm glad to see you."

"Hi, I'm glad to see you."

Repeat until the novelty wears off and you're good to go.

 

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Personally, I think of, "How are you?" as a polite, standard greeting. I don't think it means that the greeter actually wants to know the details of how you are.

 

I wouldn't read anything more into it than someone trying to be pleasant.

Several people have said something like this, I don't mean to single you out. I just had to pick someone to quote. :)

 

I thought the question the OP was asking was more like, "it seems like some people don't like to be asked this question as a casual greeting. What are some alternatives?"

 

I can tell you that I once had to fly home in the midst of a family tragedy. I was crying practically the whole time. Nobody talked to me, like *at all*. It was weird because I fly a lot and usually people tend to be chatty. It just struck me at the time how unequipped we are as a society for handling people who aren't fine.

 

Or more recently, I ran into someone I had not seen in a while. She asked, "how has your summer been?" I totally blanked because we had a truly awful summer with a whole series of disasters, including 2 hospitalizations for one of my kids. I can't say it has been great or even fine. I think it's rude and uncaring that people think I should ignore all of that and just say, "oh, fine, how about yours?"

 

I don't think "polite society" works very well on that level. I think it is part of the reason that we have so many people who feel disconnected or lonely or depressed. How can you *not* feel disconnected when people are constantly asking "how are you," but don't want an honest answer? I don't function that way. I'm terrible at lying or hiding my feelings.

 

I think it *is* better to come up with some alternatives, *especially* in a role like that of church greeter where you are representing a body of believers that is *supposed* to care about how you are doing. Isn't that the whole point of belonging to a church?

 

I agree with the poster who said that a standard greeting with more generic chat is better than anything that only pretends to be personal or caring.

 

"Hope you have a good morning."

"It's nice seeing you."

"The weather is beautiful this morning, isn't it?"

"Wow, the rain is really coming down out there."

 

Again, I'm not picking on any poster in particular, just this societal issue at large. :)

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My step-father died suddenly a week and a half ago. My girls were with him when he had a stroke. People continually ask my mom how she is doing or worse, if she is feeling better. What a stupid thing to say to someone who just lost their husband. Someone asked my dd at church, knowing full well what happened, asked how she was doing. She was about to burst into to tears at the question.

 

What kind of response do people expect with that greeting when someone just experienced a loss? For them, it may just be a greeting, but to someone hurting, it is a painful question.

 

My advice, don't use that greeting on someone whom you know the answer will not be fine, thank you.

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I think in a lot of places that's just a general greeting.  I'll admit that I hate it, but it's just a reflex.  I have been annoyed by the question many times when all I wanted to do was scream at the person asking, and I know I'm guilty of using it reflexively in response.  So I try to only use it when I really want to know the answer-not as small talk, but like "No, really.  How are you.  I'm here."  I feel bad now that it might have hurt anyone I asked, but I think most people have honestly good intentions.  As a general greeting, I think a "Good morning" or similar comment would be more appropriate as a greeter.  

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but I think most people have honestly good intentions. As a general greeting, I think a "Good morning" or similar comment would be more appropriate as a greeter.

I don't think anyone is assuming anyone has less than good intentions when they say it. But, if we can collectively become more aware and thoughtful or use those good intentions to communicate better, isn't that a good thing? :)

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<snip>

I thought the question the OP was asking was more like, "it seems like some people don't like to be asked this question as a casual greeting. What are some alternatives?"

 

<snip>

 

Yes.  And though this came out of the church greeters threat, I wasn't thinking about it just in that context, but overall. 

 

My rude acquaintance aside, I see that there are a lot of people that don't like that as a greeting.  I agree that it is a convention in the US but that seems to be changing, perhaps because people are seeing that it is simply a standard convention and thus meaningless.   I think for some people it becomes a barrier to deeper communication.

 

I am just going to try to be more aware of my use of it and see what happens.  Try to use it only when there is time to really get an answer.  And when asked I'm going to try to go beyond "fine" or other conventional answers and see what happens with that.  I don't mean let it all hang out with the church greeter. ;)   But maybe be a little more honest.  "Well, I made it this morning, that's about all I can say."  "It's been a rough week."  "Glad to be here."   "Still sleepy."  Whatever. 

 

Interesting discussion as always!

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