marbel Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 It is typical now for nearly every social invitation to include "bring food?" Obviously it is worded more subtly than that. But I can't remember the last time I was invited to something and did not have to bring food. (I'm not talking about events that are specifically potluck.) But wedding and baby showers, weddings, every single lunch, dinner, or cocktails invitation includes a request that the invited guests bring something to share. I get that it's expensive to entertain. I suppose that's how the potluck came to be. But in my lifetime I have enjoyed many social occasions where food was not requested, and have had many occasions of my own where I did not ask guests to bring anything. Sometimes I like to be the host. Sometimes I want to have a theme going and just want to do it all. I don't think I'll ever forget the time someone brought dolma in response to my invitation to a Mexican fiesta (I had not requested guests bring anything). Um, thanks? It didn't ruin the evening but it was a little... odd. Sometimes - is this a terrible thing to say? - it would be nice to be a guest and not have to cook or shop before going out. Hostess gifts are a separate thing, I think. I was raised to take a hostess gift when invited to someone's house the first time, or for an overnight visit. But not every time. Not among friends. I think that was the proper etiquette at that time. Among friends, there is the expectation of reciprocation, that sometimes you'll come to my house and sometimes I'll come to yours. Of course I always ask if I can bring something when invited. In my mind, I'm always hoping the host will say "no, just come on over." But it never works that way anymore. This isn't really a JAWM. Feel free to disagree. Just please don't tell me I'm a nasty selfish person and should turn down all invitations. It's just a minor irritation, prompted by an email this morning asking me to bring something to a baby shower this weekend, which means I have to go to the store again, after thinking I had everything I needed for the week. I am out of nice cheese and good crackers. American singles and stale saltines don't really seem appropriate. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 I don't know. I've never been asked to bring food to anything besides a potluck. I get what you mean about it being expensive to entertain (which is one of the reasons that I don't). I guess this is going to become the new norm? One of the things that gets on my nerves is how often food gets included at all. My son has a 2 hour orchestra practice every Thur night, 7-9. Parents are supposed to take turns bringing snacks! Why? These are teenagers who just came from dinner. Why do they need a snack for a 2 hour practice? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 You are singing my tune, marbel. I like to host and there are some folks who absolutely refuse to come without some contribution (not a hostess gift). I also hate to be asked to bring something to share when it results in a huge pile of food that can not possibly be consumed. Yesterday we (everyone attending) were asked to bring cookies to share. Then the kids were instructed to take only two each (which is a reasonable serving). Piles of cookies leftover after break time and then after the meeting all those extra cookies in disposable containers simply disappeared. I guess half the batch of cookies I brought got taken home by someone else? Next time I'm bringing the bag of Oreos. I have seen the same thing happen when everyone is asked to bring an hors d'oeuvre. Too much food. I don't mind pot lucks, but I try to be wise about what to bring. But I do miss a good old fashioned hey, come over for dinner. And the snacks for meetings/practices/games that last two hours or less? Just nutty. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Library Momma Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 I've never been asked to supply food or a wedding, anniversary party or shower (except twice when I was helping host the shower). I've offered a few times at barbecues but have never been asked. The only times I've brought food to an event has been either a cookie swap or an event for one of my kids (scouts, soccer tailgate) where everyone signs up before hand to bring something. I don't know if I'd mind if someone asked me because I like to cook, but I could see where after a while it would get old. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flowing Brook Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 You are singing my tune, marbel. I like to host and there are some folks who absolutely refuse to come without some contribution (not a hostess gift). I also hate to be asked to bring something to share when it results in a huge pile of food that can not possibly be consumed. Yesterday we (everyone attending) were asked to bring cookies to share. Then the kids were instructed to take only two each (which is a reasonable serving). Piles of cookies leftover after break time and then after the meeting all those extra cookies in disposable containers simply disappeared. I guess half the batch of cookies I brought got taken home by someone else? Next time I'm bringing the bag of Oreos. I have seen the same thing happen when everyone is asked to bring an hors d'oeuvre. Too much food. I don't mind pot lucks, but I try to be wise about what to bring. But I do miss a good old fashioned hey, come over for dinner. And the snacks for meetings/practices/games that last two hours or less? Just nutty. Wow that's rude! They should have had everyone bring home their leftover cookies. crazy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
medawyn Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 I've never been asked to bring food to a social occasion other than a pot luck. I do always offer to bring something if we've been invited over for dinner, and sometimes the offer is accepted and sometimes not. I *hate* when people bring unsolicited food offerings to dinners I'm hosting; if I've specifically said "just bring yourselves" I mean it! I have a plan, people! I agree on the hostess gifts; if it is my first time at someone's home or if it's a semi-occasion, I will bring a hostess gift. Among friends, reciprocity is anticipated at some time down the road. However, even if the gift I bring is consumable, it is never intended to be served that evening. I like to bring breakfast foods, especially if I know the hostess has overnight guests. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nemom Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 I find it really tacky to be asked to bring food to organized showers & weddings. People really do this?? Bringing food might have to equal my gift for the occasion..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
almondbutterandjelly Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 Of course I always ask if I can bring something when invited. In my mind, I'm always hoping the host will say "no, just come on over." But it never works that way anymore. If you ask, then they will probably say yes. So stop asking. It is not obligatory to ask if you can bring something. The question implies that you want to bring something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amethyst Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 I totally agree with you, marble!!!! Totally! When I am having people over, I want to be the host. I NEVER expect people to bring something. Sometimes they do, and that's fine, but it's not what I have in mind. Oh how I would love it if instead of bringing food to MY house, they one day invite me to THEIR house. And as far as other events when you are asked to bring food, I'm constantly amazed. Do we really all need this much food in our life??? As far as having to bring food to a shower or wedding, I've never bumped into that. Unless you were part of the planning committee. But a wedding??? Maybe that's a cultural thing based on where you live now?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 I find it really tacky to be asked to bring food to organized showers & weddings. People really do this?? Bringing food might have to equal my gift for the occasion..... For showers and weddings, I do agree. If you have close family members and/or friends sharing the burden of the food that's one thing. To ask EVERY guest to bring something where they're already going to have to bring a gift and dress nice and possibly drive some distance to get there? Ummm ... no. But honestly, any other time I'm asked, I think of that as a potluck and it doesn't bother me at all. And I will decline an invite if I'm so busy I don't think I can contribute. Which is a valid thing to do IMO. If you really don't want to bring something, I agree, don't ask. Sometimes I will ask something like "Would you like me to bring a salad?" to the in-laws because they rarely eat or consume salad other than a couple bites and I don't really like their food (bland, processed generally). I also hate it when people bring stuff without letting me know they're going to. When you plan on entertaining X people, you buy food and plan for X people! Throwing more food in the mix can mess with that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 I honestly don't mind taking food. As long as you are ok with store bought should I not have time to make it, I am good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 I don't mind if people bring unsolicited food, but I reserve the right not to put it out if I don't feel it fits in. I can treat it like a hostess gift if I want to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted August 19, 2014 Author Share Posted August 19, 2014 If you ask, then they will probably say yes. So stop asking. It is not obligatory to ask if you can bring something. The question implies that you want to bring something. Yes, you are right. I guess I am so used to being asked "can I bring something?" or "what can I bring?" every time I invite someone, that I feel I have to ask or risk being rude. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 Yes, why invite someone to a party if you expect them to bring food? I don't get that. Unless it's specifically a potluck. That said, I usually end up bringing food to many gatherings, because I live with the three pickiest eaters on the planet, and I am gluten free. So, instead of putting those burdens on the hosts, I just bring something with us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrairieSong Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 I don't usually bring food unless it's a pot luck, or if I am specifically asked to bring something. Maybe I am being rude, but I do not always ask, "What can I bring?" Can't you just express your thanks for the invitation and tell them you'd love to come? I have not experienced being asked to bring food to weddings, baby showers, birthday parties, and the like. That would get old fast. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimm Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 I find it really tacky to be asked to bring food to organized showers & weddings. People really do this?? Bringing food might have to equal my gift for the occasion..... Agreed! I would be baffled if someone asked me to bring food to a shower that I wasn't a co-host of. If I'm bringing food, then I want hosting credit, and they need to ask for my input on decoration and games. That's how that works right? :) I was recently invited to a casual back yard birthday party and asked if I should bring something just to be polite and was told no, just myself and my kids. We went, we ate, it was nice. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cera Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 Yeah I don't get that either. We were once involved with a night time activity. It started at 7:30 pm. Towards the end the kids were often served donuts and milk. WHY?! I could see once in awhile or as part of a party or something, but really they don't need that at that time of day. This is one of the things that drives me nuts about kids activities. Both mine played rec soccer...1 hour of not particularly strenuous activity. Each week required a half time snack of fruit and a juice box and an end of game snack of gatorade, a sweet (fruit snacks or similar) and a carb (crackers or similar). I finally flat out refused to do more than bottled water, orange slices and cheezits. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justasque Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 I find it really tacky to be asked to bring food to organized showers & weddings. People really do this?? Bringing food might have to equal my gift for the occasion..... When I've been asked to bring food to a wedding, it was specifically mentioned that the food I brought was to be considered my gift to the couple. They had all they needed in the toaster-and-china department. What they wanted was a celebration with friends, and that's what their friends created for them. It was a wonderful event. I think this kind of wedding is much more sane than the kind of expensive, over-the-top event where the couple goes into debt to pay for it all. As to lesser occasions, since many women work full time, they simply don't have the *days* it can take to clean their home, source all the food and other supplies, and prepare it all. Sharing the workload and some of the expense amongst those who are interested in creating the event for the guest of honor makes sense to me. Yes, the hostess should do more than the others - and she usually does, having to clean her home and usually provide a basic layer of food and drink. The other issue is that nowadays one rarely has any clue how many people will actually show up. Having guests bring a small dish to share means the hostess is less likely to be forced to purchase and prepare food that will not eaten. If more guests show up, there will be more food; if fewer guests show up, there will still be enough but not way too much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandylubug Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 I was invited to a memorial funeral service of an individual I've only met maybe 3 times but he was my cousin's boyfriend. They've asked everyone to bring a snack to share. It sounds so odd! I've taken food to peoples homes after a loved one dies but its been over a month since he's passed. Food was taken to the home last month. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foxbridgeacademy Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 Like a PP said, stop offering and as for weddings and showers.... I'd plead ignorance ("we were supposed to bring a dish? That's so odd, I'm so sorry I had no idea") unless pushed then I'd probably tell them what I think (might be why I don't get invited anywhere?). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hjffkj Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 I have just started to ignore the line on the invitation mentioning for guests to bring food. I don't see it as rude to ignore since its rude to ask. But I also expect any family event on my side to involve bringing food because no one is actually ever a host. We are family so we all pull together to make the event happen. Now with dh's family I always ask if we should bring anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T'smom Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 My MIL insists that everyone contribute to the meal every.single.time. we eat at her house. Even when we lived 12+ hours away and were driving straight through. When we have birthday parties and invite the family, we provide all the food- so that means host 3 family dinners/year, one BIL/SIL does 4 and the other 2. And my MIL never does. She works one day/week, obviously has no children to care for and has waaaay more money than we do. This probably wouldn't really have bothered me, except the last family thing I was instructed to bring a salad and I said that was fine as long as I could pick it up at the grocery store. She got all huffy and wanted to know why on earth I couldn't make something homemade. I had a 6 week old baby at the time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted August 19, 2014 Author Share Posted August 19, 2014 I wanna get this straight. In the above did the invitation ask you bring something or did you ask on your own? Because I would never expect that I'd need to bring food to a wedding! Or most of the other events, unless I was putting it on (if I was sharing baby shower hosting duties then the food would be handled by me or the other person I was working with. Or both of us. I would not expect guests to bring food. They are already bringing a baby shower gift probably). Funny story... as a host I do not expect others to bring food if we invite them to dinner and we invited someone to dinner and they brought a meal! We thought it was strange. Sorry, I know that was unclear. If I am invited casually, say by phone or in person, or email, to a casual event (lunch or dinner at someone's home, for instance), I feel like I have to ask if I can bring something, but only because when I invite people over, they always ask me if they can bring something. (I nearly always say no, please just come.) If I receive an invitation to an event such as a wedding, shower, etc. (typically a written invitation), I do not ask. Almost always, though, I am asked to bring something, either on the invitation itself or separately by the host/s. So, appetizers to a wedding, dessert to a shower, etc., etc. I would never think to ask if I could bring something to an event like that. And this is fairly new - last 5 years, maybe? It is particularly frustrating when I am expected to bring a gift. I don't mean to sound like a cheapskate, but I have a limited budget for extras, just like most people. For one couple recently I was invited to 2 showers and the wedding, and asked to bring food to all 3 events. I skipped the showers. Someone brought the whole meal?! :svengo: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 I usually do not ask OR WANT people to bring food to a party thrown at my house. i'm allergic to too many things and I'd rather just make the meal than answer all the thousands of questions about what I can and can't eat. But hardly anyone will just STOP ASKING what they can bring. So I just let them. I ask them to bring desserts they like because I hate making desserts anymore since I can eat so few of them. :0) Just sayin' that sometimes people need to chill and let the hostess have her way. :0) (And this is not disagreeing with you, OP!!!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoundAbout Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 In my social circle no one asks people to bring food unless it's specifically a potluck. Some guests have asked me if they should bring anything and I always say nothing unless they are insistent and it's a holiday like Thanksgiving or Christmas - then I suggest dessert. A lot of people have dessert specialties they like to make but it's also super easy to buy a premade cake or pie at a grocery store so figure it's the least work for a guest who really, really wants to bring something. However a bottle of wine or flowers is almost always taken as a hostess gift. I don't think I've ever had someone show up completely empty handed or done so myself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MFG Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 Regarding bringing food to a wedding, it is a local Pittsburgh area custom to bring cookies to a wedding reception. As members of my family have married people from the western PA area, we have had cookies brought to the wedding. It was not on the invitation, more an informal word-of-mouth to those who would be expecting it and wish to contribute. Aside from that situation, the only reception I have heard of asking others to bring food were small, informal potluck receptions. Everyone is either family or a close friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MistiDelaney Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 That might have been me! ;) What with one food sensitivity or another, my family is super hard to feed. We bring food to everything we go to where food will be served. I do let the hostess know that I am eager for her company...but gluten free freaks many people out and I have a corn sensitivity ... and corn is in *everything*. Even table salt and tap water. I can't put that on someone else. It makes me a bad guest, I know, b ut the alternative is not to ever socialize. Funny story... as a host I do not expect others to bring food if we invite them to dinner and we invited someone to dinner and they brought a meal! We thought it was strange. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pam in CT Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 I dunno. I can see this from several different angles... I know a lot of people who don't consider themselves to be particularly good cooks (myself included!), who are a bit frazzled by the state of their houses, who feel the cost of entertaining for a large group ... and it's a shame if those kind of hurdles inhibit bringring people together. So if shifting social norms towards more pot-luck kinds of gatherings have the effect lowering the hassle/expense/intimidation threshold and allowing us to keep on coming together, I tend to think that's a good thing... ... although it's such a pleasure to go to a gathering where the hosts do put themselves out and really make every guest feel cared for and personally tended... ... and, when we're hosting a more formal sit-down occasion (which is rare; see my confidence in my cooking, above) I do tend to get a bit controlling that the dishes all "go together", and I don't really want people bringing cooked dishes that might not "go" (wine or chocolate or anything that keeps is different). More informal gatherings like barbecues are different. ... and then another factor, that I think has really changed over the last decade or so, is how many people have such a wide range of dietary restrictions -- which makes hosting more complicated, and may also be a factor driving a shift to more bring-your-own-dish.... Between my husband's two siblings and their spouses, one person doesn't eat animal protein of any kind, another won't touch a carb of any kind, and a third is allergic to nuts. It's rather tricky coming up with a meal that all of them can eat! :lol: So if one of them asks "can I bring something?" I say, with gratitude, yes. Bring something you yourself will be happy to eat... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 Weddings, showers, funerals, kid birthday parties, no. Everything else, yes. Maybe it's a regional thing? We don't usually use the word "potluck" here. Everyone always asks if they can bring something with the assumption that they will be bringing something. For example, a get together with my family means 25+ people. Yes, everyone is bringing something. Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Fourth of July, etc. Church events other than a funeral or wedding means everyone brings something to share. Church brunches, lunches, dinners, home Bible studies, etc. I've never been to one where people weren't expected to sign up to bring something. Parties that aren't for a kid's birthday means bringing something too. Everyone asks and everyone is expected to bring something-hiking group meet and greets, dinner parties, girls/guys night out, neighborhood BBQs, etc. There are a few occasions when the host specifically states no one should bring anything, but that's rare. When I invite people over (usually people new to homeschooling or new to the area) I'm always prepared to do everything myself, but I have never yet met a single person who didn't ask "What can I bring?" I usually have them bring dessert or a side dish. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 I haven't been asked for a wedding, but our hsing group ( even as some of us aren't hsing) frequently gathers. It's simple things; fruit, hummus, cheese, pita, zucchini bread etc. For evening gatherings we add wine . Maybe s'more items. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 I have never been asked to bring food to anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 I don't recall ever being asked to bring food to that kind of get-together. And I have never asked anyone to bring any. Occasionally someone asks what they can bring, and I'll say they can bring a dessert if they want to but don't feel obligated. OK, wait, there is one couple who has a semiannual party (at their house) which my business partners and I attend. The three of us always bring an entree, a dessert, and a bottle of wine. I am not sure how that got started but it's been going on for years. I don't think they ask everyone to bring food, yet we always feel like we're supposed to. They like us to bring a certain ethnic dish that they don't have available near them. When they come to our parties, we don't ask them to bring anything. I suppose they probably do bring something anyway. I don't remember. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fdrinca Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 This doesn't bother me so much. I know there will be food that my family can eat (and will like) at the event. Plus, I'm becoming acutely aware that my family is on the large side (four kids eating watermelon and cookies), so I'm happy to add a little to the table as a thank you for being invited. This reminds me that I wish our co-op would do potluck meals every week. It's so much easier to make a veggie tray or prepare a bunch of fruit (or bake bread, or whatever) than to prepare a whole lunch for all of us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted August 20, 2014 Author Share Posted August 20, 2014 Maybe if you stop asking they will stop asking and you guys can break this cycle :laugh: For example, perhaps not ask but then show up with a bottle of wine? Or is that more money/trouble than what you're already doing? Hmm. I don't know. I also don't know if I would even ask to bring something to a dinner... like you said you just flip flop hosting. So I figure I'll be returning the favor later, when they come eat at my place. I should try that though I'm not sure I have it in me to do it, since it seems so expected. I mean, I assume it's expected since people always ask me when I invite them, even when I am the one doing the inviting first, kwim? So, I invite someone over and they ask, and I say no, please just come. Then they invite me and because they asked, I ask, and they tell me to bring something. Or people don't wait to be asked, but the invitation includes the request: "can you come over for lunch on Sunday, and bring a salad?" Can't say yes to lunch and no to bringing salad! Though I have asked if I can have another assignment if I just don't want to make something. Bringing a bottle of wine is better to me than being asked to bring food. I usually have some reasonably cheap but decent enough wine around to spare. I do like to cook and can make some decent food but I cook all the time! Most people we know do drink wine so it is usually a welcome gift/contribution. (I am always clear that I don't expect them to open the bottle while I am there.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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