I need a shoulder to cry on

[TKDmom]

It's minor in the big scheme of things...but I'm too emotional to call anyone in IRL and chat.

 

I've just been told by my local school that ds9 doesn't qualify to attend 4th grade because his test scores were too low.

 

Last winter, in a moment of frustration I applied for my 2 youngest children to attend a local "school of choice". It's a small public school, and they admit children based on a lottery system. It's one of the top 5 elementary schools in the state, so competition is stiff. I didn't really expect either of them to get in. New students, who don't have siblings at the school really only have a chance of acceptance in K or 4th grade. It just so happens my younger children are that age, and they both got in. It was pretty much a miracle for both of them to get in. The school clerk described the lottery system to me after the fact and told me how floored she was by our luck in getting both kids in.

 

Since we homeschool, and didn't have report cards to turn in, I had to jump through all sorts of hoops, running back and forth between the school we are zoned for and the school of choice. We finally jumped through our final hoop today with a math assessment test. I talked to the teacher who administered it, and she told me where he struggled. All of them were areas we haven't studied yet in Singapore Math. The principal received his results this afternoon and made the decision that ds is not ready for 4th grade. But he can be #2 on the waiting list for 3rd grade. :(

 

DH is adamant that ds will not repeat 3rd grade. I don't know...he's got a summer birthday, he's small for his age, he's a little emotionally immature, and he's never showed the gifted qualities that all my other kids have. I feel like I'm failing him. He was really looking forward to starting school.

 

Right now I'm waiting to hear back from the secretary to see if the principal will deign to meet with us to reconsider her decision.

[milovany]

I'm so sorry!! I hope the administrator will do a different form of assessment. Written tests are not the only (and for many, not the best) form of assessment. And maybe they'd give you the next few weeks to work on things. Sounds like your son would be motivated, maybe?

[Aiden]

I'm so sorry! That's a tough spot to be in. I'm sure you're not failing your son.

[Stacia]

:grouphug:

[TKDmom]

Just got the phone call...the principal won't meet with us. Her decision was final.

[Audrey]

:grouphug:   I'm sorry.  That's a tough spot in which to be.

 

FWIW, I would like to suggest that you don't let your ds's age and size be a determining factor in holding him back.  His test scores may not be a real indicator of his abilities either.  Some people do not test well, or accurately.  You know the work he is capable of doing.  Let that be your guide.  Perhaps, if you can get a meeting with the school, you could compile a portfolio of your son's work to present in lieu of the test scores, and as an indicator of his actual, expressed abilities.

 

ETA: Just read your update.  I'm sorry she won't meet with you.  Is there another school option?

 

 

[myfunnybunch]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Susan in TX]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

 

Susan in TX

[PrincessMommy]

:grouphug:  I'm so sorry.  I know how it feels.  We had something similar happen when I tried to enroll my youngest in a new school this year. 

[Luanne]

I know it is difficult.  Your son (unfortunately) at some point needs to learn that some things aren't optional. 

[happi duck]

(Hugs)

[Lori D.]

:( So sorry this is not going to work for DS this year.  :grouphug:

 

...he's got a summer birthday, he's small for his age, he's a little emotionally immature, and he's never showed the gifted qualities that all my other kids have. I feel like I'm failing him. He was really looking forward to starting school.

 

You are not at all failing your DS! This is one of those unexpected hard situations that pop up in everyone's lives and we have the opportunity to walk through it with our DC and model for them how to handle it, how to accept hard things, how to grieve, how to be willing to change attitude, etc…. It's not anyone's first choice to have to do, though!  And it is a process that takes time.  :grouphug:

 

For much later on in your process… In case it is of any comfort: I just wanted to say that our DS#1 was always small for his age and emotionally young for his age, and it absolutely ended up being a blessing to be put in the position (school's choice) of having to "red shirt" him, as it allowed him to have confidence and to be ahead academically of his grade-peers -- which allowed him the little "extra edge" he needed to actually step out and try things. He absolutely NEVER would have initiated or had the confidence to try new things -- and eventually even being a leader sometimes -- if he had felt like he was always little/young/inexperienced and barely hanging onto the end of a fast-moving treadmill. I am SOOO grateful that life circumstances worked out early on to close the door to being a grade above, because it opened the door to all kinds of opportunities through the years that DS would never have had the academic or emotional ability to step through and really fly.

 

I say this only because sometimes what appears to be a huge disappointment can, in hindsight, be an opportunity waiting to blossom. I hope that will be the case for your family!

 

Give yourselves time to be hurt, disappointed and grieve. I'm in no way trying to say you should be pasting a smiley face on right now! Disappointed expectations HURT and take time to work through. Wishing the very BEST for you and for DS, whatever school ends up looking like this year! Warmest regards, Lori D.

[TKDmom]

Wake up call for me. Hopefully for kids too. I struggled to get school done the last 6 months. And it's been starting to take its toll. It's only been in the last couple weeks that I've had any desire to think about planning school for this year.

 

I just got off the phone with dh. We won't be holding him back. I'm going to keep homeschooling him. And hopefully everyone will be more committed to getting an education.

 

I'm feeling a little calmer now. And I'm a little relieved that my little boy won't have to spend hours a day in a chair, preparing for standardized tests and writing 5-paragraph essays. (Or whatever it is that 4th graders do these days ;))

[trulycrabby]

:grouphug:

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:

[Kim in Appalachia]

:grouphug:

 

I'm glad you're feeling calmer.  I hope this school year goes well for both of you.  :grouphug:

[bolt.]

Material (or topics) not yet covered is NOT a failure for either of you. If you cover things in a different sequence (compared to the source of the test) it's bound to happen.

 

However, it is still the case that that material has not been covered, and therefore the student can not successfully enter the stream at a point where that/those info/skills are expected to already be in his brain. It makes sense that they don't expect him to be able to successfully do so as a new-entry 4th grader.

 

As an individual with 3 years of elementary math training, he's probably fine, and his curriculum will cover all the bases in its own good time. I don't think there's any reason to feel badly about that.

 

Neither is there anything wrong with the 3 years of elementary math covered by that school. It's only that they differ. So the issue is much more about "fit" than about actual competence.

[speedmom4]

Wake up call for me. Hopefully for kids too. I struggled to get school done the last 6 months. And it's been starting to take its toll. It's only been in the last couple weeks that I've had any desire to think about planning school for this year.

 

I just got off the phone with dh. We won't be holding him back. I'm going to keep homeschooling him. And hopefully everyone will be more committed to getting an education.

 

I'm feeling a little calmer now. And I'm a little relieved that my little boy won't have to spend hours a day in a chair, preparing for standardized tests and writing 5-paragraph essays. (Or whatever it is that 4th graders do these days ;))

I think you are being very wise! Maybe this was just a blessing in disguise.

 

Elise in NC

[Storygirl]

:grouphug:  We went through something a little similar this spring, when I had my three youngest take the entrance examinations for a nearby private Christian school. Two of my children were accepted, and one was not. It hurts. We did not send any of them but continued homeschooling. The experience did help us in the end, because it led us to looking for new ways to help DS, but it was extremely painful.

[Luanne]

Especially in concern with people who have children in public or private school ... I don't see how sending them to the next grade to fail is supposed to help their ego more than holding them back will.  My brother was sent on (the school insisted on it) and he struggled the ENTIRE time he was in school.  Holding him back would have been much more humane.

[SKL]

If he couldn't do it because he hasn't been exposed to it, that is not a reason for him to repeat.

 

I'm sorry your hopes were trampled and hope you have a great year anyway.

[Truscifi]

:grouphug:

[Cinder]

:grouphug:

[Catwoman]

If he couldn't do it because he hasn't been exposed to it, that is not a reason for him to repeat.

 

I'm sorry your hopes were trampled and hope you have a great year anyway.

:iagree:

 

Additionally, please don't blame yourself or feel you've failed your ds. It's not like you told us you had never bothered to teach your ds his numbers or do any math with him! You used a perfectly good program that has a different sequence than your local school uses. I'm sure there are many math concepts that your ds knows that the kids in the school don't know, because they haven't covered the same topics in the same order.

[Heather in Neverland]

And this is why admissions meetings are what I dislike the most about my job. There is A LOT that goes into student selection when spots are limited, more than just test scores (at least at my school). But test scores are, nonetheless, a factor to consider. As a PP mentioned, it is often more about "fit" than ability. And splitting siblings (accepting one and not the other) usually means we lose both candidates. I can tell you that is not an easy decision to make.

 

It feels a lot like "playing God" and even after 5 years of weekly admissions meetings, I never quite get used to having to disappoint a parent. It sucks.

[Spryte]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Chris in VA]

So, just curious, are you going to send your 4yo to K?

[Halftime Hope]

I know it is difficult.  Your son (unfortunately) at some point needs to learn that some things aren't optional. 

 

Luanne, I don't understand your comment.  What things aren't optional? 

[Luanne]

Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do.  If she absolutely wanted to put her children in that school, her son was just going to have to deal with being held back.  People who believe that you never have to do anything you don't want to are just kidding themselves.

[Tangerine]

I realize this thread doesn't say JAWM in the title, but she was asking for a shoulder to cry on.

[mom2bee]

Aw, don't cry! Well, if you really need to, you can cry on my shoulder, I don't mind!

Good luck next year, all the same. I see that the principals decision is final, but is your husbands? Will you at least accept the #2 spot on the waiting list for 3rd with the option of declining it if you, your husband and your son really don't want it?

 

PS--Is your K student going to attend the school?

[Joanne]

 

I'm feeling a little calmer now. And I'm a little relieved that my little boy won't have to spend hours a day in a chair, preparing for standardized tests and writing 5-paragraph essays. (Or whatever it is that 4th graders do these days ;))

 

I'm glad you feel better and have a decision. Even though I am a huge believer in 5 paragraph essays. ;)

[kroe1]

Tough spot to be in, but I wanted to give you some encouragement. I held my small-for-his-age son back one year. He is an ER physician now so it must have not been too detrimental to his academic career.

[mom2samlibby]

Are you talking about the 8 year old?  Or is your siggie not updated?  I would think that an 8 year old would be in 3rd grade.  I understand it stings a bit to find out that your child doesn't know the material needed for 4th grade, but I'm not seeing why putting him in 3rd grade would be so bad.  

[LizzyBee]

I'm sorry they were so inflexible, but I hope that down the road you'll find that it worked out for the best.

 

 

[shawthorne44]

I wonder if maybe the REAL problem was that they didn't really want homeschooled kids in the school?  If your son did fine, except for a few areas that weren't covered, then they could have just said, "Work on areas X, Y, and Z, and we can re-test in 6 weeks)"   If he had struggled across the board, then it would be reasonable to say 3rd grade.  

 

I hope it turns out that this was the best outcome.  

[LizzyBee]

Especially in concern with people who have children in public or private school ... I don't see how sending them to the next grade to fail is supposed to help their ego more than holding them back will.  My brother was sent on (the school insisted on it) and he struggled the ENTIRE time he was in school.  Holding him back would have been much more humane.

 

A lot depends on the reasons a kid is not succeeding, though.  For kids with learning disabilities, studies have shown that holding kids back and repeating with the same type of instruction does more harm than good.

 

In the OP's case, her son simply hadn't learned some topics yet.  She could have taught those topics before school starts if the principal had been more flexible, and then more than likely her son would have been fine in 4th grade.

 

Our youngest also started school this year and she tested into a grade-level ICR math class (slower pace, extra teacher).  We knew that wasn't right because math is her best subject.  So the 7th grade teacher gave us a link to a math website that she could practice on before school started and he could monitor her progress.  They still started her in the ICR class, but he emailed me this morning and said she needs to move to the advanced class, so she will make the change tomorrow. One test on one day can't tell the whole story.

 

[TKDmom]

So, just curious, are you going to send your 4yo to K?

 

Yes. She turns 5 before school starts. I had a brief thought of pulling her out with ds, but she's the one I really need at school right now. She's very demanding, and needs a lot of structure. I'm not able to give her the amount of attention she needs while I'm doing school with the big kids. I tried homeschooling all 4 this summer, and it was a complete flop. 

[TKDmom]

Aw, don't cry! Well, if you really need to, you can cry on my shoulder, I don't mind!

Good luck next year, all the same. I see that the principals decision is final, but is your husbands? Will you at least accept the #2 spot on the waiting list for 3rd with the option of declining it if you, your husband and your son really don't want it?

 

PS--Is your K student going to attend the school?

 

:) I'm feeling much better now, and I think this situation was a needed wake-up call for me to be more consistent in getting school work done. I've had to take a hard look at where I have been slacking off lately. Not a pleasant experience, but I'm at peace and I think we will be able to get back on the right track.

 

He is now on the waiting list for 3rd grade. The clerk went ahead and put us so we would would have time to decide, but if his name comes up, we are not currently planning to accept it. I had some reservations about this particular child going to public school. I also have serious disagreements with "the system" once children are past 2nd grade or so. All the reasons I pulled dd1 out of school are coming back to me now.

 

I'm glad you feel better and have a decision. Even though I am a huge believer in 5 paragraph essays. ;)

 

Thanks. I'm sure 5-paragraph essays are lovely, but if I was being honest with myself I knew he wasn't ready for them. Following TWTM writing sequence, my kids just aren't doing that much writing until middle school.

 

Are you talking about the 8 year old?  Or is your siggie not updated?  I would think that an 8 year old would be in 3rd grade.  I understand it stings a bit to find out that your child doesn't know the material needed for 4th grade, but I'm not seeing why putting him in 3rd grade would be so bad.  

 

He just turned 9. I need to update my siggie. Most of my kids have late summer b-days and I update them in a batch sometime in july or august. It was an initial sting. Academically it might make sense to keep him in third grade, but DH brought up several (other) reasons why he doesn't want to put ds back a year (which I won't go into here). 

[TKDmom]

I wonder if maybe the REAL problem was that they didn't really want homeschooled kids in the school?  If your son did fine, except for a few areas that weren't covered, then they could have just said, "Work on areas X, Y, and Z, and we can re-test in 6 weeks)"   If he had struggled across the board, then it would be reasonable to say 3rd grade.  

 

I hope it turns out that this was the best outcome.  

 

Yes, we suspect that's part of the problem. He doesn't fit into their nice little box, and they don't want to make the effort to accommodate him and possibly bring their test scores down. The clerk basically told me that they couldn't put him in 4th grade because if it turns out he's not ready for it, they will have an open seat and lose funding for that seat. Gotta love government systems.

[Mango]

Ugh, math. My odest dd has fought me on math since she figured out that if she worked harder, it meant harder math. So she slowed way down. It caught up with her.

 

She's going into 10th grade, and instead of taking chemistry with all her friends next year, she's taking physical science with her 8th grade sister. 

 

She was given the option to do summer school, We set it up for her. No deal. She won't. 

 

Maybe it's not reality that she's not going to get into chem. until she doesn't get start with all her friend. :( 

 

No algebra is also holding her back from starting at the local community college, like all her friends. 

 

This year is going to be emotionally difficult, in about 2 weeks. 

[kiwik]

From reading your post if your youngest goes your oldest will have a sibling at the school. Therefore if you and he have a good year he may be ready for 5th next year if it was only the maths sequence that tripped him up.