Helicopter Parenting

[DawnM]

Define it for me please.  And please don't say overprotective, unless you plan to define that as well.

 

I hear it used for just about everything these days. 

 

I am trying to decide if I am one.  Not that it bothers me if I am, but I am wondering....

[Rosie_0801]

Helicopter mums are the women who climb up onto the play equipment and direct their children where to play and when.

[Alicia64]

In my heart, I know I'm a helicopter mom. It means -- if someone is being critical -- that I hover too much over my kids. As they age, I'm trying to hover less, but -- for me, at least --  I hover because my own parents did so little. I'd say my parents were massively neglectful, so the pendulum has swung.

 

Alley

[Slache]

Someone who prevents their child from experiencing life, thereby preventing their child from gaining life experiences. I like what Rosie said, but I would apply it all areas of life. You can't be friends with those kids, you can't go to that park, you can't read that book.

[Xuzi]

Helicopter parenting, to me, is not letting your children do much independently, and rushing in to "save" them from any problems they encounter, no matter how minor, rather than letting them try to figure things out themselves. (example: child is having trouble at their burger flipping job, mom calls the boss to discuss it, rather than encouraging the child to work the issue out for themselves)

[albeto.]

Define it for me please.  And please don't say overprotective, unless you plan to define that as well.

 

I hear it used for just about everything these days. 

 

I am trying to decide if I am one.  Not that it bothers me if I am, but I am wondering....

 

I imagine it to reflect the idea that a parent acts on behalf of a child who is capable of acting independently. I imagine this to include taking into consideration the consequences of a behavior that doesn't properly solve the problem as intended. What I mean by that is not allowing a child to behave independently even when mistakes are fully expected. In my opinion, it is in that experience of cause and effect that learning is happening. The "helicopter parent" seeks to protect the child by preventing dangerous consequences, or even mild annoyances because the consequence creates too much anxiety for the parent to not avoid.

 

Parents of children with developmental disabilities have a fine line to walk because what may be considered possible by virtue of age, may not actually be possible by virtue of skill. Then again, helping a child deal with umpteen bazillion "accidents" a day is exhausting, and taking care of things yourself can be a matter of emotional self-preservation. 

 

I think of accusations like "helicopter parent" to be as valid and helpful as the cries about "kids these days." 

 

[Tanaqui]

In a nutshell, I would say it's giving rules and help to your kid that are more appropriate for a younger child.

 

For example, routinely tying a third grader's shoes and getting upset if the teacher won't do the same thing in school, when that's typically a task mastered in kindergarten. Not allowing your eighth grader to walk to the library when all their friends have been doing it for two or three years. Not allowing your 16 year old to go even on group dates that end at an early hour. Calling your kid's college professor to complain about a bad grade, even though your son or daughter is asking you to please NOT do that.

 

Those are specific examples, but that doesn't mean that everybody who does those things is being overprotective OR overbearing, of course. Some children take longer to manage fine motor control skills like shoe tying. Some families really live in unsafe areas, or their kids are exceptionally oblivious. Some people really are just a little stricter than others, and sometimes the college professor is being so blatantly unreasonable that a little back-up is useful. And of course, individuals with certain special needs are always going to need more help or more restrictons.

 

Helicopter parenting isn't just having one area that's more restrictive than the norm in your community, it's being like that in most or all areas, and without a compelling reason.

[Catwoman]

A helicopter parent is a parent who won't let their kid do something that you allow your own kid to do. ;)

 

It's such a subjective term. One person's definition of a helicopter parent may be another person's idea of a parent who is way too free-range.

 

I think the problem arises because many of us view ourselves as knowing "the right way" to do things, so other people are just varying degrees of wrong. :D

[DawnM]

I think this is very true and I do helicopter my Aspie son far more than my others.  Sigh.

 

 

I imagine it to reflect the idea that a parent acts on behalf of a child who is capable of acting independently. I imagine this to include taking into consideration the consequences of a behavior that doesn't properly solve the problem as intended. What I mean by that is not allowing a child to behave independently even when mistakes are fully expected. In my opinion, it is in that experience of cause and effect that learning is happening. The "helicopter parent" seeks to protect the child by preventing dangerous consequences, or even mild annoyances because the consequence creates too much anxiety for the parent to not avoid.

 

Parents of children with developmental disabilities have a fine line to walk because what may be considered possible by virtue of age, may not actually be possible by virtue of skill. Then again, helping a child deal with umpteen bazillion "accidents" a day is exhausting, and taking care of things yourself can be a matter of emotional self-preservation. 

 

I think of accusations like "helicopter parent" to be as valid and helpful as the cries about "kids these days." 

 

 

[catz]

LOL Catwoman has a point. 

 

I have been to a few groups where I feel like some of the parents want to micromanage the interactions between the kids.  I'm not talking about bullying or anything like that.  Of course there should be adult involvement if that kind of thing is going on in a group of kids.  I'm talking about forcing 12 year olds talking about a particular topic be inclusive to a 6 year old.   I admit in my head, I think of that as helicoptering. 

 

I do agree, things that look like helicoptering, may not be exactly that.  I have had a very small son.  This year he's gained like 15 lbs and 5 inches.  I was not comfortable with him having tons of independence out in public at 11/12, but I've cut the reigns pretty loose as of late.  And especially now that he has a cell phone.  Same kid struggled to tie shoes and has lagged on motor skills (he is kind of 2E, not dxed with anything, just asynchronous).  I bought him velcro shoes until he was 10 and then I pushed the envelope on shoe tying.  I always thought it was weird that shoe tying is a kindergarten skill for EVERY kid.  My kid was reading chapter books in kindergarten and I wouldn't dream that would be a skill for every 5/6 old either.  Kids will vary, 

[albeto.]

I think this is very true and I do helicopter my Aspie son far more than my others.  Sigh.

 

A) Don't beat yourself up too much about it. The stress some of us feel is not just in our imagination, it's in our brains, adrenal glands, livers, heart, etc etc etc. It's very real, in other words, and it can be profound. Doing what you have to for self-preservation is good. Burning out won't do you or anyone in your family any good. So stop punishing yourself (so tempting, I know, we like to find the "bad guy" to lay blame, don't we?), and think about it practically. If there are things you think you are doing that you can back off, do so at a pace you can live with. Push your comfort zone as much as you safely and effectively can, and give yourself permission to take the time you need to adjust. 

 

B) Don't compare yourself to others. Cat is absolutely right in that "helicopter parent" is a weapon used in the great Mommy Wars. Rather than think about yourself as being a "helicopter mom," you might redefine your role as a mentor to a young adult. It's an adjustment that isn't easy, but it might give you a different way to interpret the events when you want to change your habits. 

[HS Mom in NC]

What I'm describing applies to children who are not special needs.

 

 

At the park a helicopter mom will say things like:

"Don't run!  You might fall down!"

"Don't climb on the play equipment, you might fall off!"

"You can't go outside without sunscreen!...Ever!"

 

In the neighborhood helicopter moms say things like:

"You can't ride your tricycle without a helmet."

"You can't go outside without shoes on."

 

In sports helicopter moms say things like:

"We shouldn't keep score because someone might get their feelings hurt. "

"Everyone should get a trophy because if they don't, someone's feelings might get hurt."

 

When a child has a normal accident like falling off a bike or tripping over something or stumbling, the helicopter mother comes literally running and gives the child a thorough neurological assessment and 20 minutes of intensive psycho therapy instead of watching and seeing if the child is able to shake it off and move on. Helicopter moms in hot climates don't allow their children to play outside at all during the summer because they might get heatstroke and die.

 

[Belacqua]

I heard somebody say being a helicopter parent isn't always so bad: you hover well overhead, letting the kid do his thing but keeping an eye out for serious problems. The difficulty comes if you're what he calls a snowplow parent: driving along directly in front of the kid, removing all obstacles before he has a chance to try to deal with them himself.

 

They're all dopey and malleable metaphors, but this one did make some sense to me. Just be a distant, relatively quiet, sightseeing helicopter, not an AH-64 Apache. And try not to be any kind of snowplow.

[TammyS]

I think "helicopter parent" is two things:

 

1. A shiny, new WMD in the Mommy Wars.  I mean, sure, there are a few who really are going the full monty on doing too much for their kids, etc., but most are not, and so no one gets to judge how much others should/shouldn't do. 

 

2. The reaction that parents are naturally inclined to feel/take in response to having a helicopter government.  This article talks about what I mean: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/07/20/opinion/sunday/ross-douthat-the-parent-trap.html?smid=fb-share&_r=0

[Alicia64]

This is a helpful thread. I'm not as helicoptery as I thought!

 

Alley

[Jennifer132]

I imagine it to reflect the idea that a parent acts on behalf of a child who is capable of acting independently. I imagine this to include taking into consideration the consequences of a behavior that doesn't properly solve the problem as intended. What I mean by that is not allowing a child to behave independently even when mistakes are fully expected. In my opinion, it is in that experience of cause and effect that learning is happening. The "helicopter parent" seeks to protect the child by preventing dangerous consequences, or even mild annoyances because the consequence creates too much anxiety for the parent to not avoid.

 

Parents of children with developmental disabilities have a fine line to walk because what may be considered possible by virtue of age, may not actually be possible by virtue of skill. Then again, helping a child deal with umpteen bazillion "accidents" a day is exhausting, and taking care of things yourself can be a matter of emotional self-preservation.

 

I think of accusations like "helicopter parent" to be as valid and helpful as the cries about "kids these days."

 

I love this, and so true. My dd with Cerebral Palsy is extremely prone to falling. And when she falls, she is likely to injure herself (chip a tooth, split a lip, etc) because her reflexes are also poor and she isn't likely to put her arms out to save herself. I climb on the play set with her, because if I don't, she will get hurt. Yes, she is three, and all the other three year olds are running around independently. But that's beyond her skill level at this time. I don't think I'm helicoptering. I think helicoptering is what parents do when they hover because they perceive a danger for their child that isn't accurate to their situation.

[MomtoCandJ]

To me an example would be this

- good helicopter: child on high monkey bars but parent below to catch if falls

- bad helicopter: won't let child on monkey bars at all do to possible fall risk

[albeto.]

I love this, and so true. My dd with Cerebral Palsy is extremely prone to falling. And when she falls, she is likely to injure herself (chip a tooth, split a lip, etc) because her reflexes are also poor and she isn't likely to put her arms out to save herself. I climb on the play set with her, because if I don't, she will get hurt. Yes, she is three, and all the other three year olds are running around independently. But that's beyond her skill level at this time. I don't think I'm helicoptering. I think helicoptering is what parents do when they hover because they perceive a danger for their child that isn't accurate to their situation.

 

Right on. With a kid with special needs that are not easily identifiable, it's easy to be accused of being a "helicopter parent" simply because we know the details that change the scope of any given situation. One thing I learned was to stop assuming just because my child could do something, that meant he was capable of doing it. Instead I had to see that he could do it consistently. If he couldn't do something consistently and I didn't respond appropriately, I was setting him up to fail. Totally not fair to a kid. Being a parent of a child with seemingly invisible special needs (not that people don't see "something" is going on, but that they don't know what they're watching, or why things are the way they are) can suck the pride, and sadly self-esteem, right out of a parent. Knowing that people think you're coddling your child because s/he looks capable to them, knowing that people think you're acting on behalf of your own hang ups, knowing that most people can never relate to your family dynamic (and you can't relate to theirs), can be mentally and emotionally exhausting.

 

I think the accusation of helicopter parenting serves to humiliate another parent. I think it serves to motivate them to change their behavior by using social / emotional pressure. Humiliation can be brutal, even to those of us with a smile plastered on our faces, who continue with the stupid small talk about things we'll never relate to, just to appear "normal" to our own peers. I don't think most parents know they're humiliating their friends and neighbors, and I don't think they try to, but humiliation cuts deep anyway, it changes what we think of ourselves, how we perceive ourselves and our value to those who love us, and to ourselves as well. 

[Catwoman]

What I'm describing applies to children who are not special needs.

 

 

At the park a helicopter mom will say things like:

"Don't run! You might fall down!"

"Don't climb on the play equipment, you might fall off!"

"You can't go outside without sunscreen!...Ever!"

 

In the neighborhood helicopter moms say things like:

"You can't ride your tricycle without a helmet."

"You can't go outside without shoes on."

 

In sports helicopter moms say things like:

"We shouldn't keep score because someone might get their feelings hurt. "

"Everyone should get a trophy because if they don't, someone's feelings might get hurt."

 

When a child has a normal accident like falling off a bike or tripping over something or stumbling, the helicopter mother comes literally running and gives the child a thorough neurological assessment and 20 minutes of intensive psycho therapy instead of watching and seeing if the child is able to shake it off and move on. Helicopter moms in hot climates don't allow their children to play outside at all during the summer because they might get heatstroke and die.

 

 

The thing is, some of things you're describing would be considered "normal parenting" to many people. As an example, I never see kids in our neighborhood running around outside without shoes, nor do I see kids on tricycles without helmets.

 

That's why I don't like terms like "helicopter parenting." It's too subjective and too judgmental.

[jewellsmommy]

A helicopter parent is a parent who won't let their kid do something that you allow your own kid to do. ;)

 

It's such a subjective term. One person's definition of a helicopter parent may be another person's idea of a parent who is way too free-range.

 

I think the problem arises because many of us view ourselves as knowing "the right way" to do things, so other people are just varying degrees of wrong. :D

 

Yes! This 1000X!

 

I have been accused of being both a helicopter mom and a too-permissive mom by different people. :001_rolleyes:

 

The thing is that I, like most moms,  have a reason for every decision that I make. I may not make my reasoning known to every other mom around me, especially when it comes to ds. There is some very sensitive info regarding his past and experiences that necessitate me making slightly more restrictive decisions about his freedom, and I should not have to share that info with other women in order to get their stamp of approval on my rules and decisions. On some things I am very permissive, and on some things I am more controlling.

 

I will get crap for expecting too much from a child that looks so young. Well, he looks like he is 7 or 8 but he is really 11 and is perfectly capable of XYZ. At the same time I'll get crap for  letting him do something perfectly age appropriate because, again, he looks younger than he is. I just can't win :001_rolleyes:

 

[rmtzc2009]

I tend to think I am a helicopter parent.  However, based on some of the above criteria I am not.  I do seem to monitor my kids more than my friends & neighbors do.  They have a more hands off approach (let them just go play, they'll be fine)  and I prefer to pop in and at least give the kids an adult presence.   I know I'm not a free range type parent and I'm good with that  :001_smile:   I think so many variables come into play that only you can decide for yourself what type of parent you are and if your happy with that.  I don't mind that my neighbors & friends are more free range and they don't mind me being a helicopter parent.

[jewellsmommy]

What I'm describing applies to children who are not special needs.

 

 

At the park a helicopter mom will say things like:

"Don't run!  You might fall down!"

"Don't climb on the play equipment, you might fall off!"

"You can't go outside without sunscreen!...Ever!"  Some kids really do burn that easily. We have a lot of tree cover, so I don't care so much at home. But if there is no shade, dd has what can be almost described as an allergic reaction to the sun. :lol: I swear I am not making this up. She is just like that. She gets a red, raised, burny, rash. This is also why we always have to use our own sunscreen. Women may roll their eyes at me. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with their product, but dd breaks out in bizarre rashes that between an immunologist, dermatologist, and dermatologist, there does not seem to be an explanation for.  And even now, someone is reading this and saying "good grief" or rolling their eyes at me through the computer screen. :lol: Go ahead but this is just my lot in life.

 

In the neighborhood helicopter moms say things like:

"You can't ride your tricycle without a helmet."

"You can't go outside without shoes on."

 

While I may not mind my kids taking a quick jaunt outside without shoes, a mom whose child has had hookworm infections may care that her child wears shoes. Just an example, but the point is that you don't always know what that mom or kid has experienced. Maybe they are paranoid or maybe they have really good reasons.  I don't know anyone who was emotionally scarred because they couldn't walk barefoot outside. Some people don't even go barefoot inside their own house.  :leaving: Shrug, whatever.

 

In sports helicopter moms say things like:

"We shouldn't keep score because someone might get their feelings hurt. "

"Everyone should get a trophy because if they don't, someone's feelings might get hurt."

 

When a child has a normal accident like falling off a bike or tripping over something or stumbling, the helicopter mother comes literally running and gives the child a thorough neurological assessment and 20 minutes of intensive psycho therapy instead of watching and seeing if the child is able to shake it off and move on. Helicopter moms in hot climates don't allow their children to play outside at all during the summer because they might get heatstroke and die.

 

 

 

 

[Dory]

I always thought the term was pretty vague and didn't really mean anything until I was on our preschool board. We had problems with a parent that wouldn't leave her child there, not because her child was having troubles with her leaving, but because she was having troubles leaving. She reported the classroom for putting kids in the lockers when the kids would crawl into the locker for a couple seconds while getting their coats out. It freaked her out and she thought teachers should've had them stopping immediately. She reported a teacher for yelling when the teacher called out to a student at the front of the bathroom line not to touch the fire alarm (huge fine for the school if a kid does that). She said that might make the kids cry. She would go out with them to the playground and follow her kid everywhere to make sure the kid didn't go down the slide without someone helping her and didn't touch the monkey bars (this was a playground meant specifically for the younger age bracket). When she was told that she needed to get a background check to be involved with the other kids in the classroom (she was involved with every other child her child played with) she threw a fit and said that wasn't fair her kid was there and so she needed to be allowed to be there. We ended up telling her she needed to pull her child out. No kid in there there could sneeze without her getting all upset.

 

That was when I finally understood what a helicopter parent was. I've seen protective parents, but I now visualize a helicopter parent being a parent that is always within arms reach of their child, never allows their child to fail at anything, and always tells their kid how to act, dress, play, talk and so on.

[kiana]

I imagine it to reflect the idea that a parent acts on behalf of a child who is capable of acting independently. I imagine this to include taking into consideration the consequences of a behavior that doesn't properly solve the problem as intended. What I mean by that is not allowing a child to behave independently even when mistakes are fully expected. In my opinion, it is in that experience of cause and effect that learning is happening. The "helicopter parent" seeks to protect the child by preventing dangerous consequences, or even mild annoyances because the consequence creates too much anxiety for the parent to not avoid.

 

I agree with the above.

 

While I don't think blanket accusations of helicopters are generally helpful, I *do* think that parents need to be careful that they're not taking the process of problem-solving and learning away from their children. It's rarely useful to tell someone *else* they're a helicopter (or, as one of my friends puts it, a "bulldozer parent"), but parents should critically evaluate some things. I've either seen the following directly or had a friend see it directly:

 

A graduate school applicant whose mother accompanied them to the interview and did more of the talking than they did.

A job applicant who brought their mother to have her negotiate the salary for them.

A parent who emailed their child's professor wanting to know why they weren't posting weekly blackboard grades so they could log in on their child's account to make sure the child was staying on track.

A parent who emailed their child's professor to argue grades on specific papers (more than one of these).

A parent who attempted to attend a child's class to take notes for them.

 

These are rare, but I'm sure each and every one of these parents thought they were helping the child. 3-5 probably didn't hurt them much, but 1-2 definitely did.

 

(Of course, there ARE times when an email is totally reasonable. For a specific example, I got an email once that (child) had had emergency surgery but would contact me once they had woken up. That is VERY different!)

[Catwoman]

I always thought the term was pretty vague and didn't really mean anything until I was on our preschool board. We had problems with a parent that wouldn't leave her child there, not because her child was having troubles with her leaving, but because she was having troubles leaving. She reported the classroom for putting kids in the lockers when the kids would crawl into the locker for a couple seconds while getting their coats out. It freaked her out and she thought teachers should've had them stopping immediately. She reported a teacher for yelling when the teacher called out to a student at the front of the bathroom line not to touch the fire alarm (huge fine for the school if a kid does that). She said that might make the kids cry. She would go out with them to the playground and follow her kid everywhere to make sure the kid didn't go down the slide without someone helping her and didn't touch the monkey bars (this was a playground meant specifically for the younger age bracket). When she was told that she needed to get a background check to be involved with the other kids in the classroom (she was involved with every other child her child played with) she threw a fit and said that wasn't fair her kid was there and so she needed to be allowed to be there. We ended up telling her she needed to pull her child out. No kid in there there could sneeze without her getting all upset.

 

That was when I finally understood what a helicopter parent was. I've seen protective parents, but I now visualize a helicopter parent being a parent that is always within arms reach of their child, never allows their child to fail at anything, and always tells their kid how to act, dress, play, talk and so on.

I think that mom went way above and beyond the job description for helicopter parents.

 

She sounds like she may have been unstable. And a complete and total control freak.

[kiana]

I always thought the term was pretty vague and didn't really mean anything until I was on our preschool board. We had problems with a parent that wouldn't leave her child there, not because her child was having troubles with her leaving, but because she was having troubles leaving. She reported the classroom for putting kids in the lockers when the kids would crawl into the locker for a couple seconds while getting their coats out. It freaked her out and she thought teachers should've had them stopping immediately. She reported a teacher for yelling when the teacher called out to a student at the front of the bathroom line not to touch the fire alarm (huge fine for the school if a kid does that). She said that might make the kids cry. She would go out with them to the playground and follow her kid everywhere to make sure the kid didn't go down the slide without someone helping her and didn't touch the monkey bars (this was a playground meant specifically for the younger age bracket). When she was told that she needed to get a background check to be involved with the other kids in the classroom (she was involved with every other child her child played with) she threw a fit and said that wasn't fair her kid was there and so she needed to be allowed to be there. We ended up telling her she needed to pull her child out. No kid in there there could sneeze without her getting all upset.

 

That was when I finally understood what a helicopter parent was. I've seen protective parents, but I now visualize a helicopter parent being a parent that is always within arms reach of their child, never allows their child to fail at anything, and always tells their kid how to act, dress, play, talk and so on.

Yeah, that sounds more like a bulldozer parent.

[Heather in Neverland]

A helicopter parent is a parent who won't let their kid do something that you allow your own kid to do. ;)

 

It's such a subjective term. One person's definition of a helicopter parent may be another person's idea of a parent who is way too free-range.

 

I think the problem arises because many of us view ourselves as knowing "the right way" to do things, so other people are just varying degrees of wrong. :D

Love, love, love this post.

[SeaConquest]

The people who parent my children for me; my children's independence seems to frighten them.

[Halftime Hope]

To me a helicopter parent is one who does for the child, things that the child should be doing independently or with limited assistance, all other things being equal.  This behavior--doing for a child or directing a child--when they could or should be doing for themselves, keeps them from growing and maturing.

 

I have three kids in or out of college (so I am pretty much "done" parenting dependents), and their needs and levels of capacity have varied.  So it has been appropriate for me to vary what I have done with each one at different stages.

 

Because dd was stretched beyond her capacity in her final semester, I called the financial aid office of one of the graduate programs that was on her list, to do basic fact-finding.  I was uncomfortable doing it, but she needed help. I explained the situation, and they were very glad to talk with me. But, honestly, I never would have pictured myself doing that at the grad school level.  However, when we tallied up that she was away from school visiting grad school programs for 23 out of the 30 days in that month, it was then easy for me to see just how badly she really needed help.

 

This summer, dh insisted that, aside from getting coaching support from him, she had to deal with the insurance company and the other negotiations related to her car being totaled in a hailstorm. She was miffed and did not understand at first, but now that she's on the other side of it, she's pretty proud of what she accomplished. 

 

 

 

 

[Catwoman]

Because dd was stretched beyond her capacity in her final semester, I called the financial aid office of one of the graduate programs that was on her list, to do basic fact-finding.  I was uncomfortable doing it, but she needed help. I explained the situation, and they were very glad to talk with me. But, honestly, I never would have pictured myself doing that at the grad school level.  However, when we tallied up that she was away from school visiting grad school programs for 23 out of the 30 days in that month, it was then easy for me to see just how badly she really needed help.

 

I would have made the call under those circumstances, too, but I would have lied and pretended I was her. :blush:

[Serenade]

I think of the helicopter parent as one who smooths the way for their child in all things -- that's the mom who is constantly in the principal's office, making sure her kid gets the classes with the best teachers. The dad who lobbies for a better position for his child on the sports team. Geez, the mom who pretty much does her 12 year old son's Eagle project for him, rather than waiting for an age when he can do it appropriately himself. And the worst case of helicopter parent is when the helicopter parent does not mind hovering in front of YOUR child to keep him or her from surpassing her own precious darling.

[Catwoman]

I think of the helicopter parent as one who smooths the way for their child in all things -- that's the mom who is constantly in the principal's office, making sure her kid gets the classes with the best teachers. The dad who lobbies for a better position for his child on the sports team. Geez, the mom who pretty much does her 12 year old son's Eagle project for him, rather than waiting for an age when he can do it appropriately himself. And the worst case of helicopter parent is when the helicopter parent does not mind hovering in front of YOUR child to keep him or her from surpassing her own precious darling.

That's the point at which you get a pass for doing a little helicopter parenting of your own and telling her to knock it off.

[SKL]

A helicopter mom is one who does not know when to stay at home (and off the phone etc.) and let her kid do things the kid is capable of doing alone.  For the reason that the mom has an irrational level of distrust of the kid or of the big bad world.

[SKL]

 

2. The reaction that parents are naturally inclined to feel/take in response to having a helicopter government.  This article talks about what I mean: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/07/20/opinion/sunday/ross-douthat-the-parent-trap.html?smid=fb-share&_r=0

 

Right, I find myself saying "no" to things I know my kids are ready to do, because I'm afraid of strangers calling the police.  It makes it very difficult to find the right balance at times.  When I think of all the things I did on my own at my kids' age, it makes me cringe for my kids.

 

[Catwoman]

Amazingly, this is something I have never been accused of.

 

This probably means I'm a neglectful parent instead. Huh.

Or maybe it simply means that your friends and family are kind enough to mind their own business and trust that you will make the right choices for your children. :)

[Ausmumof3]

I find the more kids I have the less helicoptering I am. In fact today we joked that we aren't helicopter parents we have helicopter kids....

[swellmomma]

What I'm describing applies to children who are not special needs.

 

 

At the park a helicopter mom will say things like:

"Don't run!  You might fall down!"

"Don't climb on the play equipment, you might fall off!"

"You can't go outside without sunscreen!...Ever!"

 

In the neighborhood helicopter moms say things like:

"You can't ride your tricycle without a helmet."

"You can't go outside without shoes on."

 

In sports helicopter moms say things like:

"We shouldn't keep score because someone might get their feelings hurt. "

"Everyone should get a trophy because if they don't, someone's feelings might get hurt."

 

When a child has a normal accident like falling off a bike or tripping over something or stumbling, the helicopter mother comes literally running and gives the child a thorough neurological assessment and 20 minutes of intensive psycho therapy instead of watching and seeing if the child is able to shake it off and move on. Helicopter moms in hot climates don't allow their children to play outside at all during the summer because they might get heatstroke and die.

 

 

Some of those things I agree are helicoptering some are not.  Helmet and tricycle yup, guilty.  It also happens to be the law and I require it, if you are on wheels you wear a helmet, period.  Can't go outside without sunscreen, until ds15 was a teen he was not allowed to.  He is as higher risk of melanoma due to large congenital moles.  Watching him have 1 biopsy was enough to make me never want to see it again.  As a teen he determines if he is going to use it or not, but yup I was that one slathering it on him, even in winter. but yeah I can agree with the rest.

 

I do not consider myself a helicopter mom at all, though others do on occasion. I think it is like Catwoman said, what a helicopter mom is, is in the eye of the beholder.  

 

 

[poppy]

I don't think of helicoptering as something done to little kids.  Little kids develop so differently and expectations about behavior don't really really kick in until later.

 

I always thought of it as applying to teens or older.  The parent who calls teachers to complain about grades....... not in 1st grade but in 10th.  Or the parent who "helps" a college student with essays- not with editing grammar but with structure and content.

[shanvan]

I think of the helicopter parent as one who smooths the way for their child in all things -- that's the mom who is constantly in the principal's office, making sure her kid gets the classes with the best teachers. The dad who lobbies for a better position for his child on the sports team. Geez, the mom who pretty much does her 12 year old son's Eagle project for him, rather than waiting for an age when he can do it appropriately himself. And the worst case of helicopter parent is when the helicopter parent does not mind hovering in front of YOUR child to keep him or her from surpassing her own precious darling.

Depending on the school system, bold above really could be just a good parent watching out for their kid.  In some cases a parent really does need to be an advocate for the kid.  I've seen situations where a parent advocating could have made a huge difference, so that one I don't necessarily see as a helicopter parent situation.

[wintermom]

I think I'm more of a "parachute" parent or a "pick up the pieces" parent. With 3 very active boys and 1 active girl, I deal more with the aftermath of biking-gone-bad than trying to prevent all injuries and direct all activities. I'm out-numbered and out-energized. I educate, proved as safe equipment and environment as I can, and monitor activities as best I can. I also think that there are just unlucky things that happen and some luck that prevents things (or Guardian Angels, if you're Catholic!). I can't account for the bone breaks that my dc have had and the non-breaks that I never had as a kid, and I did way more crazy things than my dc do.

 

I worked in Injury Prevention before having children, so I know how to try and prevent common childhood injuries. But knowing how to do it, and then actually preventing a broken bone are two different things. One fall looks like it should break a neck and doesn't, another fall looks fine and breaks a wrist.

[Farrar]

Depending on the school system, bold above really could be just a good parent watching out for their kid.  In some cases a parent really does need to be an advocate for the kid.  I've seen situations where a parent advocating could have made a huge difference, so that one I don't necessarily see as a helicopter parent situation.

 

But that's a case where I feel like the prevalence of helicoptering (or whatever you want to call it in this case) has normalizing something and made it necessary.  Kids who don't have parents who do that are seen as "not supported enough" and therefore shouldn't go into certain classes.  I don't like that.  It's the same with companies now.  They reach out to the parents of these recent college grads and actually *expect* them to be involved in their child's decisions and early career stuff.  My fear is that it's becoming so normalized that it will go beyond just "for the parents who want that" and become a near requirement of parents.

[Hikin' Mama]

I agree with the above.

 

While I don't think blanket accusations of helicopters are generally helpful, I *do* think that parents need to be careful that they're not taking the process of problem-solving and learning away from their children. It's rarely useful to tell someone *else* they're a helicopter (or, as one of my friends puts it, a "bulldozer parent"), but parents should critically evaluate some things. I've either seen the following directly or had a friend see it directly:

 

A graduate school applicant whose mother accompanied them to the interview and did more of the talking than they did.

A job applicant who brought their mother to have her negotiate the salary for them.

A parent who emailed their child's professor wanting to know why they weren't posting weekly blackboard grades so they could log in on their child's account to make sure the child was staying on track.

A parent who emailed their child's professor to argue grades on specific papers (more than one of these).

A parent who attempted to attend a child's class to take notes for them.

 

These are rare, but I'm sure each and every one of these parents thought they were helping the child. 3-5 probably didn't hurt them much, but 1-2 definitely did.

 

(Of course, there ARE times when an email is totally reasonable. For a specific example, I got an email once that (child) had had emergency surgery but would contact me once they had woken up. That is VERY different!)

I think most of the previous posts described helicopter parenting. I think this one describes mental illness of some sort.

[Carrie12345]

I hate the term.

 

I'm very "controlling" and "vigilant" over some aspects of my kids in certain ways.  In others, I'm practically Free Range!  I can't win. :tongue_smilie:

[bibiche]

...and sometimes the college professor is being so blatantly unreasonable that a little back-up is useful.

I agree with your other examples but really, contacting your child's college professor is never appropriate!

[Laura's Haven]

Helicopter parents swoop in at the first sign of "trouble"...

[SKL]

I can't define it, but I know it when I see it.

 

Case in point: When my kids were very young (5, 5, 3, 1), my cousin came to visit. Because my house was dominated with little kiddies, it was VERY child-friendly and child-proof. Yet instead of sitting and chatting over a cup of coffee with me, he literally followed his 3yo child around my house, no more than two feet away from him at any given moment, for the entire two hour visit, despite my assurances that the kid would be fine playing with my kids in their playroom. We were only going to be twenty feet away with an open door between us!

 

In my 18.5 years of parenting, I've still never seen anything like it.

 

When I've seen this, usually it's because the parent knows that the child may hurt other children.

[SKL]

But that's a case where I feel like the prevalence of helicoptering (or whatever you want to call it in this case) has normalizing something and made it necessary.  Kids who don't have parents who do that are seen as "not supported enough" and therefore shouldn't go into certain classes.  I don't like that.  It's the same with companies now.  They reach out to the parents of these recent college grads and actually *expect* them to be involved in their child's decisions and early career stuff.  My fear is that it's becoming so normalized that it will go beyond just "for the parents who want that" and become a near requirement of parents.

 

Yeah, I have seen so often that schools will have higher expectations and give more support to the child if they view the parents as "involved."  Parents who allow their kids to take responsibility and learn from their mistakes - which used to be the normal thing to do - may be setting the kids up to be placed in a box where there is less opportunity and encouragement.  So "caring" parents help their kids instead of letting them develop the skills to help themselves.  And when does it end?

 

As much as I swore I'd never get into that trap, I have done it.  I don't know when my kids will learn how to plan and execute a project on their own because each year, the school assigns projects that can only be done with parental assistance.

[Farrar]

One thing I noted when my kids were little was that there was a lot more hovering on the playground on the weekends.  My guess was that a lot parents simply weren't sure what their toddlers and young preschoolers were capable of and weren't because they weren't with them day in and out.  Of course, I'm sure a lot of it was also wanting to be close and spend quality time, but I felt like some of it went beyond that, at least for some parents.  There was always a sort of bafflement from a few parents as to why I would go in the gate and then sit reading a magazine while my 2 or 3 yos ran around the park.  But I knew they knew the park, I knew they knew not to exit the gate, I knew they knew the equipment and what their limits were.  It let me be more free range.

[SKL]

At the parks, I backed off gradually.  My kids were very small for their age but wanted to play on the equipment for ages 5-12 (when they were 2-3).  Sometimes there would be big school-aged kids playing "chicken" type games, and apparently nobody taught them to watch out for younger kids.  Sometimes I was far, sometimes I was near, depending.

 

One thing I noticed was that when I backed off, other parents would come and "help" my kids with stuff they wanted to try.  This used to make me crazy.  I felt like I had to be close enough that other parents would not intrude.

 

Oh, and there was the time my 3.5yo was lagging behind as we walked to the ice cream stall.  She was angry and pouting and putzing because I disciplined her for breaking a rule.  A lady took her by the hand and when we met up, she dressed me down three times before I finally took my kids and left to get away from her.  "She wasn't with a parent."  Oh BS.  And then because I was leaving in an angry mood, she said she was afraid I was going to take my kids home and beat them.

 

I do not miss those days.

[TeacherZee]

Yeah, I have seen so often that schools will have higher expectations and give more support to the child if they view the parents as "involved."  Parents who allow their kids to take responsibility and learn from their mistakes - which used to be the normal thing to do - may be setting the kids up to be placed in a box where there is less opportunity and encouragement.  So "caring" parents help their kids instead of letting them develop the skills to help themselves.  And when does it end?

 

As much as I swore I'd never get into that trap, I have done it.  I don't know when my kids will learn how to plan and execute a project on their own because each year, the school assigns projects that can only be done with parental assistance.

The principal at the school where I work does this. It is one of the reasons why I am looking for a new job.

 

In Sweden the term is curling parents, as in they sweep away all obstacles for their children. For me it is not allowing your child to face consequences (that are appropriate for the child in question). It is not my fault as a teacher that your child fails my class when he/she has been absent over 60% of the classes.