Please help me stop the screaming!

[Mrs. A]

Please! 

 

I feel like this  :sad: :willy_nilly:  :banghead:  :angry:  right now. 

 

My 3rd child had a very powerful voice and is an excitable kid in general. She has developed the habit of screaming (think roller coaster type madness) over many random and mostly minor things. Sometimes it's excitement and joy, other times it's aggravation or fear that ds is going to bother her. I am at a total loss for how to deal with this. Yelling is obviously not the answer and telling her not to scream after the fact is not even worth the breath it takes. The behavior is now spreading to her sibs. 

 

I can't be the only person with a screaming child. Please, please share tips!

[desertflower]

Following. Yep I have the same problem. I assume it's a girl thing.

[Forget-Me-Not]

No advice, but commiseration.  It's been a long, scream-filled day here.  I do think it's a girl thing.

[Arcadia]

My boys do that so it's not a girl thing. Ear plugs has been my friend and also shutting the patio door so as not to disturb neighbors. My walls are decently sound proof.

For my older, it's a short scream to get it out of his system and it's not a everyday thing. For my younger it is attention seeking and he stops if I put him at the door because he is scared the neighbors hear him and come banging our door.

 

Could you put her in a quiet corner when she start screaming to see if it helps?

[MotherGoose]

My youngest is a screamer. We live in the country, and from the time she was too big to stick in the crib with the door shut to let her scream, I put her on the porch. First on the screened porch with the door latched, and then on the front porch so she couldn't beat on the french doors and see us. It tended to stop the screaming quickly, especially when it was cold outside!! Now that she's 5 I just have to say, "Do you need to go outside or can you stop screaming?" and it usually stops. I tell her that she's welcome to scream but I don't want to listen to it.

[CAtoVA]

My 3 yo DD is a screamer/shrieker.  Following for suggestions......

[pehp]

My sweet daughter doesn't scream that much, but she definitely will have a screamfest now and again.  My children are quite welcome to scream, but they have to do it outside.  I basically either usher her outside or put her in a different room and leave the room.  

 

I am completely calm and collected and do not yell. I just tell her that I cannot listen to the screaming.  (I also try to remember what I read in Uniformity to God's Will--and I try to give thanks for the opportunity to show grace, love and emotional stability to my children.  That may sound crazy, but it does help!)

 

(Similarly when my children argue to the point of yelling or shrieking at each other, I tell them to take the argument outside.  They are welcome to sort out their issues, but I'm not going to listen to shrill griping!!) 

 

Good luck!! 

[Mrs. A]

My sweet daughter doesn't scream that much, but she definitely will have a screamfest now and again.  My children are quite welcome to scream, but they have to do it outside.  I basically either usher her outside or put her in a different room and leave the room.  

 

I am completely calm and collected and do not yell. I just tell her that I cannot listen to the screaming.  (I also try to remember what I read in Uniformity to God's Will--and I try to give thanks for the opportunity to show grace, love and emotional stability to my children.  That may sound crazy, but it does help!)

 

(Similarly when my children argue to the point of yelling or shrieking at each other, I tell them to take the argument outside.  They are welcome to sort out their issues, but I'm not going to listen to shrill griping!!) 

 

Good luck!! 

 

 

 

I love the bolded line. I'm going to have to remember that! 

 

 

 

I think separating her from the rest of us would help... she does HATE to be alone, so that idea has definite potential... I don't know why I never thought of it before. Oh, wait. I couldn't hear myself think! 

 

 

eta: The above was not meant to be snarky. I hope it didn't come across that way. I do appreciate the suggestion and I just couldn't believe it hadn't occured to me!  :lol:

[Ellie]

My boys do that so it's not a girl thing. Ear plugs has been my friend and also shutting the patio door so as not to disturb neighbors. My walls are decently sound proof.

For my older, it's a short scream to get it out of his system and it's not a everyday thing. For my younger it is attention seeking and he stops if I put him at the door because he is scared the neighbors hear him and come banging our door.

 

Could you put her in a quiet corner when she start screaming to see if it helps?

 

My dd dated a nice young man who had to go to special ed in school to learn to use his inside voice. So definitely NOT just a girl thing, lol.

[Ellie]

Please! 

 

I feel like this  :sad: :willy_nilly:  :banghead:  :angry:  right now. 

 

My 3rd child had a very powerful voice and is an excitable kid in general. She has developed the habit of screaming (think roller coaster type madness) over many random and mostly minor things. Sometimes it's excitement and joy, other times it's aggravation or fear that ds is going to bother her. I am at a total loss for how to deal with this. Yelling is obviously not the answer and telling her not to scream after the fact is not even worth the breath it takes. The behavior is now spreading to her sibs. 

 

I can't be the only person with a screaming child. Please, please share tips!

 

Well, but when she misbehaves in other ways, you correct her after the fact, right? So correcting her after she screams would surely be worthwhile.

 

I would have to do something if she were mine, even if nothing more than sending her to her room for some quiet time (for my sake!).

 

If she screams because she thinks her brother is going to bother her, does she have reason to think that? If he is, in fact, bothering her purposely, as opposed to his just being in the room, do you correct him?

 

[prairiewindmomma]

A lot of four year olds have problems managing their emotions.  I would calmly and quietly stop her as soon as the screaming starts, analyze the situation, and make the necessary corrections.  A four year old isn't of a size or age to be able to control much, so her voice is likely her most powerful tool. For my now 5 year old, teaching Daniel Tiger's technique of taking a deep breath and counting to five worked. It took some time, and I had to be consistent in reminding her not to scream and asking her what she could've done instead.

 

My toddler is my current screamer.  I find that whispering to her makes her stop screaming so that she'll listen to me. She's 1, though, and not of an age to understand much beyond, "no, no" said softly and sadly and "ssshhh!" followed by an invitation to do a different kind of activity. 

[Mrs. A]

Well, but when she misbehaves in other ways, you correct her after the fact, right? So correcting her after she screams would surely be worthwhile.

 

I would have to do something if she were mine, even if nothing more than sending her to her room for some quiet time (for my sake!).

 

If she screams because she thinks her brother is going to bother her, does she have reason to think that? If he is, in fact, bothering her purposely, as opposed to his just being in the room, do you correct him?

 

 

I hear the point you're making about correcting after the fact, but it seems to me that the screaming is habitual - almost reflexive. So even though I do correct after she's done it and remind her that she needs to use a quieter voice I feel like the reminder won't really do much when the next situation arises. 

 

I do correct him for sure when he needs the correction. But there are times when she just sees him enter the room or walk towards her, and she will scream in anticipation of what he "might" do if he gets too close.  I am working very hard on helping him to not tease and antagonize. In fact it may be that some of her screaming stems from a need for attention because his behavior (not just teasing his sisters, but other things too) requires SO much from me. I am learning (little by little) to disengage from him and not allow him to suck up all my time, but it's been something that has most likely contributed to this problem. 

[Mrs. A]

A lot of four year olds have problems managing their emotions.  I would calmly and quietly stop her as soon as the screaming starts, analyze the situation, and make the necessary corrections.  A four year old isn't of a size or age to be able to control much, so her voice is likely her most powerful tool. For my now 5 year old, teaching Daniel Tiger's technique of taking a deep breath and counting to five worked. It took some time, and I had to be consistent in reminding her not to scream and asking her what she could've done instead.

 

My toddler is my current screamer.  I find that whispering to her makes her stop screaming so that she'll listen to me. She's 1, though, and not of an age to understand much beyond, "no, no" said softly and sadly and "ssshhh!" followed by an invitation to do a different kind of activity. 

 

 

Would you elaborate on how you taught this deep breath counting to five? How did you explain it? Did you just remind every time she screamed and she eventually got it? 

[fdrinca]

I realized while on vacation last week just how LOUD my kids are. Their normal speaking voices are VERY VERY LOUD. I don't know if it's because there are three of them trying to make themselves heard, or if we've conditioned them to this as we started talking more loudly to my oldest son to accommodate his hearing loss. They don't tend to scream (although there definitely is screaming, especially from the baby...she makes my ears ring at times!), but they are just so LOUD. They really don't realize it, either. 

 

So, no solutions. Just commiserations. We spend a lot of time in noisy places.

 

Also, we have emptied out the closet under our stairs for kids to play when they get too loud. It's very soundproof.

[prairiewindmomma]

We watched the episode together. Here's a (legal) clip: http://www.pbslearningmedia.org/resource/713882a4-90af-4874-adf0-6c3a3702bd36/713882a4-90af-4874-adf0-6c3a3702bd36/

 

When I see that she is getting really angry or when I hear her screaming, I ask her to sing the "roar" song. "When I feel so mad, and I want to roar, I take a deep breath (which she does) and count to four." (She counts to five because she is five--her idea.) Then I stop and ask her why she was so mad, and what she could've done differently. If she doesn't have any ideas, I ask her if she would like some. If she offers a bad idea, I ask her what she thinks will happen if she makes that choice. She really is learning how to negotiate her strong feelings and sometimes she needs some ideas.

 

I really like a lot of the Daniel Tiger ditties. There's also a good clip on empathy--seeing things from someone else's point of view.

 

The other thing I'd look for is making sure her blood sugar levels are staying pretty steady. When my ^dd^ (she died of cancer, and is not in my siggie) started to scream a lot, she usually needed a snack. Mid-morning, late afternoon and bedtimes were the worst. I clued in when she was 3 and I finally noticed the pattern. I cut out the chocolate milk and fruit added a high protein/low carb snack instead.

[Ellie]

I hear the point you're making about correcting after the fact, but it seems to me that the screaming is habitual - almost reflexive. So even though I do correct after she's done it and remind her that she needs to use a quieter voice I feel like the reminder won't really do much when the next situation arises. 

 

I do correct him for sure when he needs the correction. But there are times when she just sees him enter the room or walk towards her, and she will scream in anticipation of what he "might" do if he gets too close.  I am working very hard on helping him to not tease and antagonize. In fact it may be that some of her screaming stems from a need for attention because his behavior (not just teasing his sisters, but other things too) requires SO much from me. I am learning (little by little) to disengage from him and not allow him to suck up all my time, but it's been something that has most likely contributed to this problem. 

 

when she screams in anticipation of what he might do, how do you correct that?

 

If you are close enough to her to see that she's inhaling so that she can scream, can you tap her on the arm or something to get her attention?

[kiwik]

I fantasise about a padded cell.

[MiMi 4under3]

I realized while on vacation last week just how LOUD my kids are. Their normal speaking voices are VERY VERY LOUD. I don't know if it's because there are three of them trying to make themselves heard, or if we've conditioned them to this as we started talking more loudly to my oldest son to accommodate his hearing loss. 

 

So, no solutions. Just commiserations. We spend a lot of time in noisy places.

 

My DC are very close in age and also speak VERY LOUDLY! I, too, assume it's trying to make themselves heard - I frequently have two or more trying to talk to me at any given time.

 

And one of ours has hearing loss too. So when I'm reading aloud to this DD, for example, I'm super loud myself. I guess my kids never learned what a quiet household is like.  :o

 

DH also has a VERY LOUD normal speaking voice. I frequently joke by telling him to remove the megaphone from his throat.  :D

 

 

As annoying as your (Mrs. A's) DD's screaming is, it's probably a phase. I'd correct her gently, as to not draw attention to the screaming, and otherwise ignore it. I like the extinction method.

[Mrs. A]

when she screams in anticipation of what he might do, how do you correct that?

 

If you are close enough to her to see that she's inhaling so that she can scream, can you tap her on the arm or something to get her attention?

 

 

Usually I give her a line or two about how he's not even doing anything, so don't scream. If I am close enough to try and stop it before it happens I do my best to try and stop it,  but mostly it happens when I'm not right next to her. 

[Lissande]

Would it be mean to read/tell your kids the story of the Boy Who Cried Wolf? :)

[Mrs. A]

I realized while on vacation last week just how LOUD my kids are. Their normal speaking voices are VERY VERY LOUD. I don't know if it's because there are three of them trying to make themselves heard, or if we've conditioned them to this as we started talking more loudly to my oldest son to accommodate his hearing loss. They don't tend to scream (although there definitely is screaming, especially from the baby...she makes my ears ring at times!), but they are just so LOUD. They really don't realize it, either. 

 

So, no solutions. Just commiserations. We spend a lot of time in noisy places.

 

Also, we have emptied out the closet under our stairs for kids to play when they get too loud. It's very soundproof.

 

I had to laugh when I read this. This is what my house is like as well. Everyone wants to be heard at once! I wish I had a soundproof place to send everyone!  :lol:

 

 

We watched the episode together. Here's a (legal) clip: http://www.pbslearningmedia.org/resource/713882a4-90af-4874-adf0-6c3a3702bd36/713882a4-90af-4874-adf0-6c3a3702bd36/

 

When I see that she is getting really angry or when I hear her screaming, I ask her to sing the "roar" song. "When I feel so mad, and I want to roar, I take a deep breath (which she does) and count to four." (She counts to five because she is five--her idea.) Then I stop and ask her why she was so mad, and what she could've done differently. If she doesn't have any ideas, I ask her if she would like some. If she offers a bad idea, I ask her what she thinks will happen if she makes that choice. She really is learning how to negotiate her strong feelings and sometimes she needs some ideas.

 

I really like a lot of the Daniel Tiger ditties. There's also a good clip on empathy--seeing things from someone else's point of view.

 

 

 

Thanks for the link. I will give that a try.

[desertflower]

We've tried the daniel tiger thing as well. That does work too. We also tried inside and outside voices. I can't stop her excitement screams, but the other types seems to be better now than a year ago. Also, mine likes to do it when she knows it's not appropriate. I would reiterate that grown ups dont behave like this. With my toddler, I pretend that it hurts my ears or pick her up and place her in a different place. I think she just wants some attention.

 

We also sit down with my 4 year old if she goes straight to screaming at her brother and give her a time out.

 

It doesn't bother me if she's playing chase and screaming. I guess that' more like squeals of delight.

[hellen]

I had a screamer who is now a yeller. She's almost seven. She's always been very loud and very dramatic. She has big emotions.

 

Sometimes I wonder if it gets worse when she's not getting enough attention and she requires a lot of attention. She gets on edge when she thinks other kids are getting more praise, attention, or love. In turn it makes her behavior worse.

 

This is a girl who was born loud and crying. It's part of who she is. After spending years talking to her about it I'm not sure what to do. On my bad days I feel resentful that our whole family has to walk on eggshells around her so she doesn't start screaming. On my good days I notice that she is capable of being kind, thoughtful, and not scream if she wants. I have some control over that by making her feel special and extra loved.

 

I will say that she has become better with time. I remember the horribly loud crying and rage of the one year old. I remember the screaming of the three year old. She is maturing and each year gets a bit better.

 

A few weeks ago my loud one was at a sleepover. I took the other two kids to the pool. It was so nice and drama free. Later at home it was so quiet. It was nice to have one evening off from the loudness. I feel for you. Raising my loud one is way more work than my other two combined. She challenges me as a parent and keeps me on my toes.

 

I don't know what you can do to make things better. I wish I had a magic answer. My best advice would be to just keep it up. It will get through eventually.

[boscopup]

My 7 year old boy is a screamer. The first thing I do is to whisper my correction. By staying calm and quiet myself, it helps him calm down. He can't control his emotions as well as the other kids, so the boy who cried wolf story, telling him he shouldn't scream like that unless a strange man is stealing him, etc. has not worked. It's a reflex for him. I have no idea how to train out a reflex. Keeping him close certainly helps prevent it in the first place (tomato staking). I'm not always good at that. :tongue_smilie:

 

My 5 year old started screaming more last year at age 4. I finally realized it was because his brothers weren't listening to him, so he'd have to scream to get any attention from them. So I make it a point to remind the older brothers to LISTEN and acknowledge him. I think that screaming will pass with maturity. It's a different type from what the 7 year old does.

 

If I child can't calm down and stay quiet, I send them immediately to their room to lay in bed until they are calm. Several minutes later, they will come down and act like a human being.

 

My 7 year old also talks loud in general. We have to remind him constantly to use his inside voice. My dad questioned his hearing because of this, but he has had hearing tested fairly recently, and it was fine. Earlier in life, he had fluid in his ears all the time, but tubes fixed that, and he hasn't had an ear infection since before he got the tubes 5.5 years ago.

 

The three boys together tend to be loud. I kick them outside a lot.

[blue daisy]

I have two screamers (my four year old DD and six year old DS) so I totally feel your pain.  My daughter in particular screams when she's upset which seems like most of the day sometimes.  Those two fight a lot and scream at each other and just get progressively louder.  Ugh!  Whispering to get their attention does not work - they can't hear me.  I'm not always within reach to get their attention by tapping them on the arm so sometimes I have to yell over them just to quiet them down, which just frustrates everyone more.  :/  So, I don;t really have any advice, but I understand!  I'm going to try some of the suggestions from other posters.

[Walking-Iris]

My 7 year old ds is a very loud talker, a bit dramatic and quick to tears, and a screamer/yeller when he's mad. Whiny!!! I think it's rubbed off onto my 4 year old dd, because she's always been quiet and even tempered, but lately prone to dramatics.

 

It's funny, because my oldest ds has Asperger's and he's the chillest, quietest kid I've ever met.  

 

Telling my ds to use a quiet inside voice only make shim testy that he's being corrected and then it escalates. 

 

I have no answers!!!! I wish I did. It is a situation that pretty much drives me crazy daily around here however!

 

 

[Miss Mousie]

My son was a screamer around age 4-5.  My guess is that he picked it up at preschool, because no one else he was around was like that.  And, while he did/does have big emotions, the screaming was never obviously an emotional response to something.  So it seemed for him to be imitation.

 

I say all of that to say that my "how I solved it" may not work for other kids.

 

I simply kept telling him "screaming is obnoxious.  Stop."  Now, I probably had to say it a couple thousand times before it sunk in, but it did work so well that now that we have screamers next door he too finds it obnoxious!  :p

 

As for the whining another poster mentioned - every time he whined, I reminded him that I can't understand him when he's whining.  "Please use your normal speaking voice because I can't understand what you're saying."  Sometimes I'd have to repeat myself 3 or 4 times in a row before he actually complied, but he did.  (I will admit, too, that on occasion I whined right back at him in a highly exaggerated way ... but mockery is generally not good parenting advice.  :( )

 

Hope that helps someone.  Screaming is just so hard on the ears!

[TammyS]

As far as I can tell, all kids seem to have a problem with volume control (though the manifestations vary).  There's a part of me that really wants to keep an air soft gun in my pocket and just pop them a couple when they get too loud.  Not that I have....but it's a nice dream. :ph34r:

[Mrs. A]

It's such relief to know that other people's kids scream too! I always feel like we're the only family whose kids are so loud. But maybe it's just because I'm sensitive to it. I just never seem to notice other families with screamers. 

[hellen]

It's such relief to know that other people's kids scream too! I always feel like we're the only family whose kids are so loud. But maybe it's just because I'm sensitive to it. I just never seem to notice other families with screamers.

Well you probably will never see mine do it in public. She saves it for home. I don't think anybody outside of the family has seen it once she turned five. She went to pubic school kindergarten and I had to fill out a behavior questionnaire. I had to admit that she hits and screams. Once she was in school I was getting reports from parent volunteers how sweet and well behaved she was. I thought they were being kind. Surely my drama queen with a short fuse was not the one they were talking about. It turns out that it was true. She truly was the best behaved kid in the class. She tried so hard and resented that the other kids didn't do the same. It was her biggest complaint about public school.

 

So if you see us out in public I'll have a little girl who looks very well behaved and calm. If you were a fly in our house you would see more of the true colors. She is sensitive to how she appears in public and I'm not talking about clothes here.

[Farrar]

I really second the whispering back when you talk to them.  They're in a contest for loudest.  You want to create a contest for quietest.

 

My boys had really, really loud voices when they were younger.  They've mostly grown out of it.

[echoterry]

I don't know if this would be a help, but I have seen different apps on teacher websites that give a decibel measuring.  For those kids that just don't always know they are being loud, maybe something visually would help them see exactly how loud they are.  I don't know if it would work, but it might be adaptable to something like this. 

 

http://toonoisyapp.com/

https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/silent-light-classroom-timer/id657863900?mt=8

https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/myclassrules-noise-monitor/id538737971?mt=8

 

I know some of these apps have other functions, but I assume you could ignore those and just use the noise meter.

[Laura's Haven]

Most young children scream when they angry, and not verbalizing the emotions they are feeling at that moment. Instead of saying, "mom, he's bothering me", etc..It's important that they learn not to scream, but to communicate those feelings in words. I would explain the rules: IE: no screaming in the house, etc..Then explain that she must use her words when upset. Ask her to tell you why she is upset. If a sibling is provoking her purposefully, I would address both right then, and there. One may not scream, and the other may not tease. You could use some simple discipline such a removing a privilege for screaming, or teasing. My boys are teens now, but they are close in age, and I remember this escalating to the point I wanted to take a one-way vacation. This will work! I promise ;-)

[Mandy in TN]

My middle one would have had me dreaming of air soft guns if I had known what one was at the time. I think I just dreamed of duct tape.

 

My line was that it was fine the be angry or upset, but it was not alright to vomit that emotion all over everyone in the house. I would walk him to his room and tell him he was welcome to come out and rejoin us when he was in better control of his voice and body. I hate to make this comparison, but it really was like a crate trained puppy. He learned to remove himself from situations that were going to trigger inappropriate behavior, and his room became his safe spot. I also used the boy who cried wolf explanation and told him that if he were screaming like that he better actually be injured when I arrived.

 

As a point of hope, this middle son who was the little tasmanian devil screamer was a much easier teenager than my oldest who was super easy when he was little.

Mandy

[Cz mama]

oohhhh the screaming! I hear you!!! My DD 3 is teeny tiny and has a HUGE shrill scream. Also, I think it's about attention and siblings about the get her. I think it's when she very excitable as well. Good luck, we're in the same boat. My husband and I often fantasize about having a cop car-style clear shield in between the front seat and the back seat in the car to drown out the noise. ha ha...