How do you survive getting ASD kids with attitudes to do their work without making your life miserable?

[BlueTaelon]

dd13 is smart but has no interest in getting an education, if its not what she's interested in its not worth her time. I am sick of the constant fighting and snotty attitude over school work. I'm hoping she will react better to Time4Learning High School since its really visual but so far today she's been a pill about it.

 

Any suggestions beyond take away her toys until school work is done? She makes everyone miserable when she's not getting her way but she's got to do her school work. We run an inverted school year with winters off and summers on so this is not vacation time for us.

[MomatHWTK]

Medication, chocolate, caffeine (for me). :)

[MomatHWTK]

Now that I have more time...

 

I had to be really clear with DS that either he met the legal requirements for school home with me or elsewhere.  It is still tough, but it makes someone else the "bad guy".  Just this year we have had some success with a checklist- in the past he found the list overwhelming.  Now, all three kids get a very similar list so maybe there is some peer pressure.  Some topics I have to sit and work alongside him, doing the scribing, to get it done.  If left alone he gets anxious about mistakes, so he prefers that I am there for each answer to confirm that it is correct. 

 

Oh, I also introduced bribes.  Everyone gets two cookies if they finish their checklist.  It happened by coincidence, I just happened to have cookies the day I introduced the lists (and a longer reading list for DS). 

 

My ASD kid has the automatic thinking bad habit. He will immediately think a negative and then it gets attached to something long term.  He absolutely won't read for pleasure because his mind has locked reading in as a school activity.  If you can begin to associate more positives to the activity, then it helps to reduce the conflict.  (I still can't get him to read a book for fun though.  Even cash offers haven't overcome that wall. 

 

Of course adjusting the child's medication to meet new hormonal challenges, getting them to eat a good balance of protein/carbs, etc. also help. 

[Plink]

I have to sit beside her.  Every day.  All day.  Until it is done.  

 

Sometimes the balking comes out of her anxiety.  I need to be there to assess whether she is afraid of doing the work because she doesn't understand it, or whether she simply doesn't want to work.  The fear induced meltdowns are usually the worst.  Poor kid.

 

For the everyday "I don't wanna'" issues, I've found that sunshine and movement make a big difference.  She is now in charge of letting the dog out, getting the mail, taking the trash out etc.  and these tasks are all parceled out throughout the day to break up the monotony.  

[Jennifer132]

You can try to motivate her with things she likes. So do an "if then" chart. If you do 1 math lesson, you get 15 minutes of (insert reward here).

[jnaj]

This topic couldn't have come at a better time for me. We just found out our son has high functioning autism..we have had so many issues with him and had no idea what was going on. Apparently there is more to it, and we will be discussing these over the next few sessions with our dr, but man..his negative attitude really is wearing us all down. He has a negative attitude towards anything if it's not something he specifically wants to do or if something doesn't go his way. VERY negative. To the point we can't even be in the same room because I am just too overwhelmed and I'm really not sure WHAT to do. 

 

I love the idea of an "If then" checklist..that would probably work really well for us in general! I wish I had something good to add to this thread. but I am following because I am at a loss and feel so completely helpless right now!

[Princess Ariel]

Following this as well.  Dd 13yo sounds just like your children!  It has been constant for the past few years. It doesn't help that she has ld's that make learning difficult for her and that she is developmentally delayed. She started a new med for the anxiety this summer but not sure how it is working yet.

I like the sound of the "if-then" chart, too. I am especially frustrated that she refuses to read, especially this summer when she has more time for it. I do worry regularly  about her future.

Hugs to all of you! :grouphug:

[Jennifer-72]

Children with autism often have trouble seeing the relationship between their actions and the consequence that ensue. There is a book called Learning the ROPES for Improved Exeuctive Function that uses a series of graphic organizers to teach the whole situation-action-outcome line of thinking. Developing that line of thinking goes a long way with helping them realize that everything is not happening to them but is a result of the actions they are taking (which often is part of their whole negative thinking/grumbling). She also talks in the book how thinking through situation-action-outcome is how we all set goals and priorities.

 

I can't link from the iPad but if you search out ABTA publications you should find the book for sale there.

[Mrs. Tharp]

Make a good attitude (or no complaining) an educational goal for her. Break it down into specific actions she needs to do, then reward for doing it. This kind of thing--attitude, work on non-preferred tasks etc., imo, is as important as school work for these kids.

[Lecka]

I want to add -- it is new!  Two of my sons kind-of always balk with new things.  It is new, it is a transition.  I have a pep talk for myself that I am going to let the first few days or 1-2 weeks be "transition time."  

 

They just don't see new things and think "cool!  I love it!"  It takes time to warm up, and in the meantime it is "aaaaa this is new and different aaaaaa."  

 

Then I would try to sweeten the deal in whatever way possible.  Something special after it is done!  (Maybe with an If, then statement, maybe with an if, then visual.)  I would also strongly consider starting with a shorter time and increasing the time over a period of time, 2 weeks to a month or whatever.  But I think they need quick "thens" until the transition period has worn off.  The transition period is so hard anyway, and I am really trying to get their attitude positive at that time, more than trying to get anything done.  When their attitude/routine is better, then I move on to getting things done.  It is too stressful to do both at once, and I think, in the long run it is worth it to spend the time "pairing" a new thing with reinforcement and slowly building up the time.  

 

My kids are younger, though, too. 

 

I have also seen this kind of method work in my son's ABA therapy.  They start small, make it fun, and build up from there.  It is not like that is "all" it takes but it does help.  (If it is not fun -- they associate something fun or preferred or enjoyable with whatever it is.  Then also he can earn things he does care about.)   

 

Also, my kids may hate new things more than other kids.  I know it is something I have had mentioned wrt my younger son, where other things aren't mentioned.  It is just something to get through until the new thing isn't new anymore.  Then he really will like things that he had been very, very resistant to.

 

 

 

 

 

[Jennifer132]

Is she a box checker? My hfa kid used to give us alot of trouble about going to bed (major anxiety) until I made a simple checklist for his routines. Maybe a check list for school would help. It might also help to identify what the bad attitudes about. Usually we have to do a little detective work with my kiddo because he can't really explain to me why he is upset. But if you can get to the true reason she is so resistant,you may be able to find a solution that way. Once we figured out his attitude stems from anxiety, we could better teach him how to handle anxiety.

[kbutton]

My kids are younger, though, too. 

 

 

Jennifer132 nails it on anxiety--this is often a factor with my son, and it takes a lot of detective work, sometimes by another caring adult. Sometimes after about a million blowups, he suddenly and clearly knows why he is upset, and it's usually something a bit off the wall.

 

Sometimes he's acting like a total pain because he's ten and changing rapidly right now.

 

The rest of the time, it's related what Lecka said here. Her kids are younger, identified earlier (I assume). Some of us with kids identified later have kids who are in survival mode, they've covered for lots of quirks, etc. with no therapy and parents flying blind, sometimes well, sometimes not so well. In some ways, you have to go way back and fix those broken rungs on the ladder, but you can't quite do all the same things in the same ways you would have when they were younger, and it's harder to back up and think with a disability mindset after all that time of coping.

 

We've been in crisis mode lately. We're tightening rules, bribing for routines and reluctant areas, trying to dial back responses, upping sensory routines, etc. It's helping, but I know it will flare up again. I've recently realized that while one side of the family blooms late with puberty, the other side blooms slowly but on the early side of average (long awkward phase). That puts him on the verge of major changes, and we're seeing signs that he's going to be a slow, somewhat early developer. I'm not sure where yours is, but periods of rapid change have always upset our apple cart. He hit milestones fast and furiously when he was a baby, and it was horribly difficult all the way around during that time. It eased up a bit as those milestones spaced out.

 

:grouphug:

 

[Lecka]

Sorry you guys are in crisis mode :(

 

I have been told it can be hard for kids when they do have more social awareness.  That behavior can improve, b/c they are aware, but anxiety can go up for the same reason.  

 

It made me so angry when someone said that to me, that it is something she sees.  It is like -- can these kids not catch a break?  

 

I don't really know what to make of it even now, but I do have a high opinion of the person who said it to me in general.  She is someone who is about 60 and has worked with kids with special needs for her entire career.  She thinks it is good -- like, they are getting more socially aware, so that is good.  But I don't know if I see it as a good trade-off.  

 

But yeah -- with my younger son, right now I don't think there is an anxiety element.  But it may come when he gets to a similar age, and then probably a lot of our tried and true strategies will fall apart.  It seems like it happens.  

 

And if it doesn't happen, maybe b/c the social awareness is not kicking in.  

 

If that is even a correct model and not just the personal opinion of one person.  

 

I always think you seem like a very caring and conscientious parent, though, I bet you are doing about as good as possible.  He knows you love him -- at the end of the day I think that is the most important.  

 

[kbutton]

Sorry you guys are in crisis mode :(

 

I have been told it can be hard for kids when they do have more social awareness.  That behavior can improve, b/c they are aware, but anxiety can go up for the same reason.  

 

It made me so angry when someone said that to me, that it is something she sees.  It is like -- can these kids not catch a break?  

 

I don't really know what to make of it even now, but I do have a high opinion of the person who said it to me in general.  She is someone who is about 60 and has worked with kids with special needs for her entire career.  She thinks it is good -- like, they are getting more socially aware, so that is good.  But I don't know if I see it as a good trade-off.  

 

But yeah -- with my younger son, right now I don't think there is an anxiety element.  But it may come when he gets to a similar age, and then probably a lot of our tried and true strategies will fall apart.  It seems like it happens.  

 

And if it doesn't happen, maybe b/c the social awareness is not kicking in.  

 

If that is even a correct model and not just the personal opinion of one person.  

 

I always think you seem like a very caring and conscientious parent, though, I bet you are doing about as good as possible.  He knows you love him -- at the end of the day I think that is the most important.  

 

The Coffee Klatch radio network had a May broadcast interviewing Michelle Garcia Winner (Social Thinking curriculum), and she brought up this very issue. These more aware kids need a little bit of a different approach. I haven't digested it all yet, and I need to have my DH listen to this as well.

 

[Lecka]

Thanks, I need to check it out.  The person who said it to me thought my son would likely be in that category.  Right now he is a happy-go-lucky language learner with behavior issues.  She was kind-of saying, don't worry, he will outgrow a lot of the behavior issues... they will just be replaced by the anxiety issues.   

[Princess Ariel]

I am hopeful that a check list will be a new way we can deal with the school work getting accomplished this fall. It hasn't worked in the past, ever, but I implemented one this summer to get a better handle on her daily hygiene.  Dd 13 is still at it! Huge improvement.  I initially offered an extra dollar  to her allowance per week if she does the hygiene tasks and checks them  off.  I have also  given her a lot of verbal reinforcement which is  also  helping.  I am actually kind of surprised but have come to the conclusion that just because it didn't work in the past, it can be worth another try. Hygiene was really coming between us just as the schoolwork has been a major division. So we will give it another go when we start up again!