The things kids say...

[kwg]

So it was a rainy, yucky day and ds7 was in a mood.  All he wanted to do was watch TV, play on the computer, or whine. Nothing I suggested sounded appealing and when I told him to go clean it didn't even really help. lol.  So finally in frustration I took "screens" off the table as an option for the day.

 

Next day, first thing he asks, "now why couldn't I get on the computer?"

 

(I am patient again :closedeyes: ) "Because if you can't find anything to do-"

 

"but that wasn't MY fault. It was the THINGS fault! They were too hard to find!!"

 

:lol:  

 

 

 

 

Any other funny stories?

[Gil]

Elderly family friend to my then 5yo son, Buddy: I really like your hat, you look very handsome.

Buddy, in a very polite and serious voice: Thank you, I like your wrinkles. You look like an owl!

 

(It took a moment to decode this but what I got out of him is: old = wise = owl, you see!)

Oi! I can't wait until this kid is old enough to want to flirt and finally, finally realizes what a nut he is!

[Gentlemommy]

From dd, 3 years old-

Mama, you wanna go to jail??? (Said in her best threatening tone)

Me??? No!!! Why did you say that?!

Well, ya better be nice to me then!

I am being nice!

(Hands on her hips) Ya, but yesterday you was mean at me. You say'd no at me. And you was mad at me.

 

Lol

[Gentlemommy]

Oh, here's one from dd, 6. We have just finished reading James and the Giant Peach, and both her and little dd love digging up earthworms as 'pets'.

 

Very worried-

Mama, you know how earthworms live under the ground? When we walk, do we squash them?

 

I assured her we didn't, but I thought that was such a sweet question.

[Gil]

I don't know how much these count as 'funny' as in haha or funny as in a euphemism for 'I, the parent, was mortified and wanted to crawl under the earth'

Disclaimer: Pal is a trip. You have been warned.

 

This past March:

Mr. Tom, my friend: Man, Gil, I can't believe some of the things you let your boys do! Thats so neat, man.

Pal: Actually, Gil is only this nice when you are here. When no one is around, Gil tells us 'hell no' and makes me do what he wants. (And I do, but sheesh! give up the family secrets why don't ya!)

 

Some time last summer:

Pal: ...Daaaddy?

Me: Yes, Pal?

Pal: Can we have a squirrel for a pet.

Me: ???...No, Pal, where would we even get a squirrel?

Pal: Outside of Nanas house there are squirrels.

Me: *sigh* No, Pal. We don't get pets, remember? Besides even if I did want a pet, those squirrels at Nanas are wild animals. They aren't safe to have in the house.

Pal: What would you do if there were a squirrel in the house? Like, for pretend or something?

Me: BBBBUUUUDDDDDDDDY!!!! Get that thing out of this house.right.now!

Buddy: Aaaww man!

 

A couple of years ago:

Random Woman: Oh, wow, you are just cute as a muffin! You look like your daddy!

Pal (pleasantly): You are as big as a house! You like Mrs. Dee (a woman, who is actually rather large and who'd been described as 'big as a house'!)

 

 

Last summer:

Nana: No one wants to get old because they're gonna die.

Buddy: I don't want to get old because then I'll look all melty.

 

Random Woman: You look tired...like you could use a nap.

Pal: You look scary...like a monster.

 

Man at Park: Hey, whats your name?

Pal: Why? Are you a pervert?

 

The man was trying to get his young daughter to play with my kids and was telling her to give 'that to the boy, give that to the boy...' so he asked Pal his name so that he could distinguish which boy was which.

 

 

Girl: Haha! Even though you're a boy I can run faster than you!

Pal: So what? I can pee standing up!

 

Girl just arriving to the park: When you are done I want to swing! (Some of the swings had been removed, there  was only one and Pal was on it. She said it in a snooty sort of way.)

Pal: I want you to go away.

Girl: When is my turn? (she'd waited a few minutes)

Pal: I don't know, tomorrow?

Me: Paaal!

Pal: She was bratty to me first!

Girl: (ran to get her mom)

I could see the girl talking to her mom, pointing at Pal and after several more minutes The mom came over and asked, rather politely, if Pal would mind giving her daughter a turn on the swings.

Pal: Normally I don't mind, but today I do.

Me: Pal! Get off the d4mn swing and give someone else a turn!

Pal: Aaaw!

 

Buddy: Dad, I know how to catch a chipmunk.

Me: How, Buddy?

Buddy: Roll on the ground and act like a nut.

 

Me: Which one of you boys broke this jar?

Pal: I thought you said we shouldn't tattle? (spoken in a very betrayed and nervous tone)

 

Pal: I don't want to ever have kids.

Buddy: Why not?

Pal: Because then I'll have to share all my toys even in my own house!

 

Me: Boys, are you ready to go?

Pal: No, *big sigh* but you are going to make us anyway...

 

My eldest came to me in the middle of the night about 2 years ago.

Buddy: Daddy...daddy...gil!

Me: Whats the matter, bud?

Buddy: When I move out as a man, can I take the spiderman nightlight with me?

Me: ....Yes, Buddy, you can....

Buddy: Can I take the spiderman alarm clock too?

Me: Sure, Buddy, if  you want you can the darn clock!!!

Buddy very loudly, with a tone of victory in his voice: SEE PAL! I TOOOOLLLD YOU! Dad said yes!

Pal, running into the room and wailing: But daddy, you said we had to share them!

Me: GO.TO.SLEEP.RIGHT.NOW!!!

 

Pal, kept fidgeting and squirming when we were at a family reunion. He was about 3 at the time.

Aunt Kay: Oh, honey, whats the matter?

Pal: I miss my penis!

 

The stuff that comes out of Pals mouth man! I just wish he came with a mute button and a 7second real-time delay or something!

 

 

 

 

[Gil]

Oh! One more:

 

A friend of mine plays the lottery all the time.

 

My Friend: Man, I got so excited earlier, I thought I'd won the lottery. Now I'm just depressed

Me: What?!

Friend: (explained about how he'd gotten confused/misheard the numbers)

We laughed about it, I told him he should probably quit playing since it upsets him so much and later friend remarked: Man, I just feel like the day I stop playing is the day I would've won.

Me: Thats how they hook you in to playing.

Friend: Thats what my brother in law always, him and my wife, but man...

Buddy: recites a string of numbers.

Friend: What?

Buddy: /Repeats the string of numbers/

Buddy: When Gambling becomes a problem: 1888 Admit it. You are not alone.

(there is a billboard along our commute that says that. Buddy, apparently, memorized it.)

[Goldilocks]

My 8 year old was struggling with spelling yesterday. He was frustrated that "gentle" wasn't spelled g-e-n-t-i-l like "pencil."

He threw his hands in the air and moaned, "Why does the government have to make everything so complicated!"

[Gil]

I thought of these and seeing the 'I like your cellulite' thread, I decided to share just one more round. Then I have to go and study!

Buddy is absolutely oblivious about compliments. Telling him: If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all, was pointless because he is polite by nature and always wanted say something but many of his attempts at 'saying something nice' just sounded...awful.

 

 

Some of Buddys complimentary gems: (offered up between the ages of 3 and 5, in a sweet voice and always.always at the most inopportune times!)

You are very pretty for a fat, old woman..

You smell very interesting today!

Your nose is so big that I really like it!

 

 

Pal, in case you can't tell, has had me about ready to move...to a country where they don't speak English.

 

I used to shop on the other side of town just so that I didn't run the risk of them embarrassing me and insulting everyone in our immediate area. Worked out perfectly, now that the boys are older they don't say such stuff any more (well, Buddy doesn't!) and we can grocery shop in our area just fine.

[KrissiK]

My 5 year old dd comes in the house this afternoon a little upset. "Did A (3 year old dd) tell you how she hit her head on the slide?" I respond, "No, she didn't. Was she hurt?" "No. But she didn't even care. She hit her head and she didn't even care." And I could see this really bothered her. I just said," well, if she wasn't hurt, why do you care?" And she looked at me like I was nuts and went back outside. It was all very bizarre!

[Gil]

Oh, another I thought of:

 

We were running to the store for something minor. By the door was a fairly attractive woman and some guy with her, possibly her boyfriend/husband. The woman started arguing, yelling and swearing at the guy that she was with.

 

Buddy: Oh, so that is what you meant about being ugly on the inside, right, Gil?

[Carrie12345]

Some time last summer:

Pal: ...Daaaddy?

Me: Yes, Pal?

Pal: Can we have a squirrel for a pet.

Me: ???...No, Pal, where would we even get a squirrel?

Pal: Outside of Nanas house there are squirrels.

Me: *sigh* No, Pal. We don't get pets, remember? Besides even if I did want a pet, those squirrels at Nanas are wild animals. They aren't safe to have in the house.

Pal: What would you do if there were a squirrel in the house? Like, for pretend or something?

Me: BBBBUUUUDDDDDDDDY!!!! Get that thing out of this house.right.now!

Buddy: Aaaww man!

 

Heh.  We had that issue with a chipmunk once.

[linders]

Today is DS11's bday. He woke me (at 5:45, thank you very much) to announce, "I'm 11! I never thought I'd make it this far!"

 

I've grilled him since then, but still can't quite figure out why he didn't think he'd make it to 11.

[kwg]

Today is DS11's bday. He woke me (at 5:45, thank you very much) to announce, "I'm 11! I never thought I'd make it this far!"

 

I've grilled him since then, but still can't quite figure out why he didn't think he'd make it to 11.

 

 

lol!!! Happy Birthday!  

 

My ds11 and I were talking and after while he nodded slowly and said, "My logic is flawed." Then he brightened and said, "But I stand firmly by my flawed logic" fist in the air.  

 

lol.  

[UncleEJ]

My kids are obsessed with a cartoon called Peppa Pig, which is a British show. They have been learning a wide variety of British vocabulary.

 

Last weekend, I took them to a nearby lake to splay around for a bit.

2yo DD says: Momma, did you bring my swimming costume?

Me: No, (cracking up) I didn't.

[mathmarm]

My 4yo Niece, after being introduced to Jazz music and attending a live Jazz concert told her teacher that when she grows up she wants to 'play sex with all the guys on the stage' When her teacher asked her why, what for, she said: "For money!"

 

To hear my sister tell it, that made for a very interesting conversation as she explained that no, her daughter doesn't dream of growing up to be an exotic dancer but a sax player. My sister was mortified but I laughed for about 5 minutes straight.

 

On the bright side, the unfortunate incident prompted my niece to have a break through on vowel sounds /e/ vs /a/ and she can now read CVC words.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

My 4yo Niece, after being introduced to Jazz music and attending a live Jazz concert told her teacher that when she grows up she wants to 'play sex with all the guys on the stage' When her teacher asked her why, what for, she said: "For money!"

 

To hear my sister tell it, that made for a very interesting conversation as she explained that no, her daughter doesn't dream of growing up to be an exotic dancer but a sax player. My sister was mortified but I laughed for about 5 minutes straight.

 

On the bright side, the unfortunate incident prompted my niece to have a break through on vowel sounds /e/ vs /a/ and she can now read CVC words.

 

:smilielol5: :smilielol5: :smilielol5:

[IfIOnly]

"Mom, did they have cake when you were a kid?"

 

 

My kids younger kids get a kick out of asking me about my childhood in the "old days"?  

[Jasperstone]

"Mom, did they have cake when you were a kid?"

 

 

My kids younger kids get a kick out of asking me about my childhood in the "old days"?

My ds at 7 asked me if the printing press was invented when his dad was born!

 

We ain't that old!

[Jasperstone]

Oh yeah, and my dd at 4 told me that she didn't feel sorry for chickens. Cause it's their own fault for tasting so good.

[kwg]

kids are just awesome  :001_tt1:

[strange_girl]

One day we were having some family over to visit, and apparently they were cramping my 4-year-old's style.

 

Great-Aunt: "Well, I guess we'd better be going now."

 

DS4 (playing quietly on the floor): "Good, 'cause you was annoyin' me."

 

:svengo:

 

That boy...he is constantly making me want to go around with a bag on my head.

[momto10blessings]

A kid asked me the other day if we homeschool because we're too poor to send our kids to public school. Lol. He didn't believe me that homeschooling costs more than public school.

[Soapy]

I was reading aloud the other day and my son (6) said:

B: Can Nana and Grandpa read like that?

Me: Of course.

B: That's cool that they're so old and they still remember how to read. (They're 59.)

 

They're constantly asking me too if we had things back in the 19's.  "Did you have light bulbs when you were a kid back in the 19's?"

[AMJ]

My 4yo Niece, after being introduced to Jazz music and attending a live Jazz concert told her teacher that when she grows up she wants to 'play sex with all the guys on the stage' When her teacher asked her why, what for, she said: "For money!"

 

To hear my sister tell it, that made for a very interesting conversation as she explained that no, her daughter doesn't dream of growing up to be an exotic dancer but a sax player. My sister was mortified but I laughed for about 5 minutes straight.

 

On the bright side, the unfortunate incident prompted my niece to have a break through on vowel sounds /e/ vs /a/ and she can now read CVC words.

Hooray!

 

I played sax(ophone) in gradeschool. Too bad I never knew to shorten the name of the instrument back then.

[AMJ]

The other day DH found a well-photoshopped photo of a stork dropping a baby into Daddy's outstretched arms. "Come look, DD9! I found photographic proof of where babies come from!"

 

"EWW, GROSS!" Came her reply from another room.

 

That's what I get for having explained human reproduction to her already!

[goldberry]

lol!!! Happy Birthday!  

 

My ds11 and I were talking and after while he nodded slowly and said, "My logic is flawed." Then he brightened and said, "But I stand firmly by my flawed logic" fist in the air.  

 

lol.  

 

 

He should fit right in with the rest of society then!

[Jasperstone]

My four year old son was sitting on the floor struggling to get his socks on. When I said- pick up all those felt pens from the floor. His reply- do ya fink I'm an octopus!

 

:-D

[Gil]

This is another one of those instances when I wish I could have turned invisible...

We were at a wild animal event and the lead guy asks the kids if they know what endangered means and if they know of an animal that is endangered. Buddy said that Pandas are endangered because their aren't many of them in the world and that not even Zoos can breed them easily and before I could stop him Pal volunteers--in front of the whole gathering of about 30 kids--that he knows why Pandas are endangered and not even zoos can breed them.

 

"Pandas are rare because in the wild they live far apart and so they don't date a lot and not even zoos can breed them because the zoo keepers observe them but Giant Pandas are very shy--they want to have sex in private just like parents do!"

:scared:

 

[Flowing Brook]

This is another one of those instances when I wish I could have turned invisible...

We were at a wild animal event and the lead guy asks the kids if they know what endangered means and if they know of an animal that is endangered. Buddy said that Pandas are endangered because their aren't many of them in the world and that not even Zoos can breed them easily and before I could stop him Pal volunteers--in front of the whole gathering of about 30 kids--that he knows why Pandas are endangered and not even zoos can breed them.

 

"Pandas are rare because in the wild they live far apart and so they don't date a lot and not even zoos can breed them because the zoo keepers observe them but Giant Pandas are very shy--they want to have sex in private just like parents do!"

:scared:

 

OH my! The times you wish the earth would just swallow you up or you  had a laser to zap peoples memory's.  :lol:

[Gil]

OH my! The times you wish the earth would just swallow you up or you  had a laser to zap peoples memory's.  :lol:

Yeah, something like that! I have said before that Pal should've been born with a 7-second delay or mute switch. The things that come out of that boys mouth...

 

[unsinkable]

Hooray!

 

I played sax(ophone) in gradeschool. Too bad I never knew to shorten the name of the instrument back then.

:lol:

 

My boys play trombone.

 

I find it...awkward...when musicians refer to it as 'bone. My youngest reeeeeeaaaalllly wants to play guitar in his jazz band but the director always says, "No. I need you on bone."

[AMJ]

:lol:

 

My boys play trombone.

 

I find it...awkward...when musicians refer to it as 'bone. My youngest reeeeeeaaaalllly wants to play guitar in his jazz band but the director always says, "No. I need you on bone."

Oh dear. My 13 yo nephew has taken up trombone.

[Jasperstone]

 

 

We were at a home schooling Police station excursion, and the officer held up some hand cuffs. He asked if any of the children have seen them before.

 

Then one boy piped up to say- Yeah, my mum (mom) has a pair in her wardrobe!

 

She quickly went on to explain that they are left overs from a dress-up party.

 

Yeah, we all believed her. ;-)

 

How embarrassing!

[iona]

Ds (5) "When batteries die, do they go to heaven?"

[kwg]

He should fit right in with the rest of society then!

 

It is bad but I snorted there  :lol:

[Barb_]

In Disneyland last week, the 5yo told her sister that it was very sad that she was the youngest.  Emily asked her why and she said, "Because all the rest of you will die before me and I will be all alone." Emily said she almost burst into tears right there in the line for Buzz Lightyear.

 

 

[Lara in Colo]

I

Some time last summer:

Pal: ...Daaaddy?

Me: Yes, Pal?

Pal: Can we have a squirrel for a pet.

Me: ???...No, Pal, where would we even get a squirrel?

Pal: Outside of Nanas house there are squirrels.

Me: *sigh* No, Pal. We don't get pets, remember? Besides even if I did want a pet, those squirrels at Nanas are wild animals. They aren't safe to have in the house.

Pal: What would you do if there were a squirrel in the house? Like, for pretend or something?

Me: BBBBUUUUDDDDDDDDY!!!! Get that thing out of this house.right.now!

Buddy: Aaaww man!

I was at the neighbor's house when the children came running in all excited because they had caught a chipmunk-- ok whatever-- as long as it didn't bite you.  I came home about 10 minutes later and the poor animal had been given a bath and had a new "home" built for it.  But.... "it likes us" so much it wanted to run around.  So it ran around on a small enclosed porch (the railing) and it went back and forth and back and forth and................off into the forest--- like THAT wasn't predictable!!  Some somewhere out there is a chipmunk that smells like Pantene shampoo. 

[Lara in Colo]

Oh yeah, and my dd at 4 told me that she didn't feel sorry for chickens. Cause it's their own fault for tasting so good.

 

My daughter used to dissect her dinner-- holds up a stringy red thing--- what this? some sort of tendon?

 

**sigh** just eat your dinner!!

[BarbecueMom]

DS5 wanted a smoothie for lunch today. As I was getting all the ingredients ready, I noticed he was using a frozen banana as a pretend telephone.

 

Me: "What are you doing?"

DS5: "Making cold calls."

[Chelle in MO]

My daughter used to dissect her dinner-- holds up a stringy red thing--- what this? some sort of tendon?

 

**sigh** just eat your dinner!!

 

 

:ack2:

[Guest]

I was telling ds that we had to get up early in the morning to run errands so it might be wise to settle down and get to sleep early and he said, "But it's not my job to be wise!"

 

Poor little tyke; I think those were very wise words from a six year old.

 

/parenting fail

[Eagle]

Ds6 was very excited to tell Grandma his news...

 

Ds: "Guess what, Grandma? I got pregnant!"

Grandma: "Interesting... Tell me more."

Ds: "My new teeth are pregnant."

Grandma: "I think you might be a bit confused."

Ds: "No, I'm not! Mum told me my teeth are pregnant."

...

Mum enters room and is told about the pregnant teeth. Mum manages to say "Permanent! They are permanent teeth, Honey." before laughing hysterically.

[Melissa in Australia]

I found a brainteaser puzzle in the op shop and bought it for the kids to do. DS10 asked what it was, I told him a very tricky puzzle that only very intelligent people could do and gave it to him. he didn't seem to be interested. A while later he opened up the house door and yelled out to me " Hay Mum YOU lied! you said that only intelligent people can do that puzzle, well I just did it and I am not clever " :-( - my poor boy, where have I gone wrong and why do you think that :-( :-(

[dirty ethel rackham]

You guys are cracking me up. 

 

When ds20 was about 4, as we were driving to a family get-together, he said "I know what Uncle Mike can do for his gray hair.  He can use Just For Men Haircolor.  It covers the gray."  I guess we had been watching too much Wild Discovery. 

 

Another time, my kids were 3, 7 and 10.  My oldest had this habit of telling his younger brother what to do.  I asked him who was the boss in this car.  He sheepishly answered "You."  Then, wanting to remind him of a higher authority than me, I asked him "Who was the boss of all of us?"  Sweet little Dd3 piped up "ME!"  She had a hand-me-down tshirt that said "Warning.  I'm the boss." 

[8circles]

DS3: Mommy, can you get out double-knots?

Me: Of course, I'm supermommy!  I should wear a cape,right?

DS3: No, just a costume

Me: Yeah, like a cape!

DS10:  Oh, and a bra.  You've got to wear a bra.

[kwg]

I am laughing.

 

We saw an eagle in a tree.  Ds7 is an awed and tickled pink voice "We have made a very.exciting.discovery!  Bald eagles have come ALL the way from America to HERE"

 

Me: Well , Actually hon, we live in America.

 

ds7: Wait. What?

 

 

PS- Melissa- I dont know why but for a while my ds thought he was not clever either.  I think it might be that as homeschoolers I pick things that challenge him whereas maybe in school some things would be super easy and I am sure some things not as easy?   I dunno.  But I showed him his test scores and that made him feel better. (we have to test as homeschoolers and he never showed much interest so I never really showed him).