Have You Ever Lost Your Child?

[Laura Corin]

I lost Hobbes once.  We were walking back from the mall to our flat in Hong Kong - the two were part of the same complex.  He was running around us (he was about eight) and when we reached the bottom of our high-rise, he wasn't with us.  We searched all over, went back and left his picture with security at the mall....  I didn't really fear he had been 'taken'.  I was more worried that he was lost and might be frightened.  In the end, it turned out that he had run ahead and taken the lift in the wrong tower block.  It was fine in the end.

 

L

[Soror]

We lost my then 2ish yo daughter once, on our own property. Dh was outside and I had went out as well, he went inside through the basement and I thought she followed him and I went in from upstairs. After a few minutes he came upstairs without her and we realized she wasn't with either of us. So we both went frantically running around the house and after a few laps around I think to look on the road (we live fairly close to a road- which is thankfully fairly rural) and there she was walking to PaPa's house. I ran after her as fast as I could, losing my shoes in the process. Not to long after I got her a car passed by, I still think about what if, the road is hilly they could have easily not seen her in time. It was terrifying. 

 

We lost ds in WM once, he was a wanderer, it was just a few minutes we were just starting to search around when we heard a page, he had went to the nearby dressing room.

[JFSinIL]

Yes - worse was when at the huge Field Museum in Chicago we had all four kids, we were being very careful to keep them all together - and in one second the youngest girl, about 4 years old, totally disappeared!   We told the remaining three to sit on the bench and stay put while hubby and I dashed about frantically looking for her.  I ran out into the main hall to alert security - and the first museum person who saw me just mutely pointed across the hall to the security desk where my dd was sitting looking cross.  Turns out (to her) WE had gotten lost.  Sher had walked all the back across the side of the museum we were in to a display we had been at earlier looking for us, and a couple saw her unattended and took her to the main desk.

 

My heart had just about stopped.

 

Another time our then about 7 son with autism got tired and decided to sit under a clothes rack in a mall Sears...they did a Code Adam until he was found.  Again - heart-stopping.  Same kid, older and taller, got tired at Navy Pier and decided to drop and take a nap under a bench in the large palm court area -

 

He wears a Medic Alert necklace now, and I keep a gripe on him when out and about (he is 22 now).

 

Kids. And we wonder from hence we get those white hairs?

[linders]

Yup. In a Costco, lost DS then 4, for about 20 minutes. He wasn't scared, though...he had decided to cruise all the sample stands.

[DawnM]

Yup, at Disneyland on Tom Sawyer's Island.  It was horrifying.

 

My kids were 3 and 5.  I took them by myself as we had annual passes.  We rode the raft over to the Island and were going through the rock tunnels.  It was dark and my kids bolted ahead of me, around some other adults that I was not able to pass.

 

The tunnels have multiple exits and they must have taken a different turn.  My oldest quickly found me, but he was not with the 3 year old.  

 

I was in a panic.  It was about 25 min. but felt like 3 hours.  I kept thinking that he could go over any of the bridges and land in the water.

 

Thankfully a cast member found him and was holding his hand when he was brought back to me.

 

We always felt bad about naming our middle child Christian.  He had a fairly significant speech impediment and couldn't say his name.  The cast member approached me and told me that he kept asking him his name and he would reply, "My bwoders' name is Taywer."  He said it happened about 3 times before he just stopped asking.  Poor kid.

 

Dawn

[2ndGenHomeschooler]

Several years ago my middle DD got lost at the beach. She was about 5. We always set up our beach blankets as close the water as we can without getting wet and then let the kids play. Our kids are generally pretty cautious around water and don't take too many risks but this DD is definitely the bravest. She had been in the water with her boogie board for quite a while playing with some other kids. I had been keeping an eye on her but the waves started pushing her down the beach. At some point she came out of the water looking for us but didn't see us right away. She panicked and started running. I couldn't see her and my mom and sister and I started frantically looking for her. I only looked for a couple of minutes before alerting one of the life guards. They found her in what seemed like an eternity about 1/4 mile down the beach. The whole thing probably happened in less than 15 minutes but I was in a panic! We used it as an opportunity to talk about beach safety and most importantly *not panicking and running*!

 

My youngest brother used to disappear all the time. He figured out how to unlock and open doors when he was about 18 months old. He was also very quiet. We found him in the house across the street once when the neighbours were gone and all the doors were locked. He had crawled in through the cat door. He followed the older boys down the street and around the corner onto a busier, road once. They were going to do yard work for someone and he decided to follow them. They didn't know he was following them. He had just turned 2. Someone who was out walking found him and brought him home. Fortunately, he was very verbal and could tell the man where he lived. We heard him before we saw him - complaining the whole way that he didn't want to go home. Another time when he was about 5 the mailman brought him - and his bike - home. My poor mom. He's 18 now.

[PrincessMommy]

These stories are reminding me of even more times we've lost a child!  So embarrassing.  I really am a good and attentive parent.

 

I will  relate a classic in our family which involves my husband NOT me this time.  :)   He took the  younger kids on a dad outing to the zoo with a friend and his twin girls.   They took the metro and we live near the last stop.  On the way home from the trip the dads are goofing off and talking.  The subject of losing a child comes up - with a lot of cluck-clucking about said parents who forget children on trains.   Then the stop suddenly comes up and everyone jumps off the train.   That is except our 3yr old son.  Yup dad had forgotten to get him.  His sister says what she remembers is the train pulling off and her little brother at the door screaming.  Then he fell over because of the train movement.    They found a security guard who radioed the train and got him back and all was well - although youngest son says he still remembers the experience.

 

Then there was the car ride home with the "Don't tell mom." conversation . Of course,  you can guess what the first thing the kids told me when they excitedly walked in the door.  :glare:

[ashfern]

We lost my middle child for about an hour. She was supposed to be in the back yard on the swing. She decided to go up the street to visit her friend who is also home schooled. I was freaking out and about to call the police when my husband came back with her. She was 8 yo and I thought knew better than to leave without telling anyone!

[Laurie4b]

It is a trauma to be through what your sister went through. To have a child lost for an hour is a very long time because the possibility that something bad did actually happen increases with the time. Every time something awful has almost happened to a child under my care, the aftermath of "what could have been" has been haunting. 

 

If she's really obsessing though, I think for your nieces' and nephews' sakes as well as your sister's, that she needs to view it as a psychological trauma to herself. (I doubt if it was that much of one for the lost niece, but will be if she "catches" all her mom's emotions.)  There are some things she can do without professional help: 1) write it down--just write what happened or how she is feeling. 2) Deal with the false statements : fold a piece of paper in half lengthwise. One on side, write the falsehoods: I am a terrible mother, etc. On the other side, write the truths: lots of kids get lost in the care of good parents, only a small proportion of kids are ever harmed, etc. You and others will have to help her with the truths side. When she gets a thought about a falsehood, she can read the truths side to herself. 3) Distract herself. The game Tetris has been used in some clinical studies to help prevent traumatic memories from laying themselves down emotionally, possibly just from the distracting element of directing brain power to the game instead of to laying down the emotional anguish. 4) For her child's sake, she needs to carry on normally. Acting as if everything is okay will be good for her, too.

 

If she is still just obsessing, a session or two with a therapist could help prevent this from damaging her future parenting.

[Tmhearn]

I think you should just show your sister this post. That should make her feel a little better.

 

I have never "lost" my oldest dd. She never wandered more than 6 inches from me. :-) Lest you think I'm a fabulous mother, I have lost my ds at least 4 or 5 times. My point is that some kids have a tendency to wander and/or hide more than others. My dh has "lost" our toddler quite a few times. He seems to be one of those kids that gets away from you in a second.

 

My SIL lost my niece at the mall at Christmastime when she was about 2. I was with her, and it was one of the scariest moments ever. She was only gone for about 15 minutes, but it was terrifying. She wasn't even my kid, and I was a mess.

[Harriet Vane]

Your sister is not overreacting, and telling her to calm down won't make her calm down. She understands all too well--as good moms do--just how horrifying the possibilities are. Minimizing her fears will not make her calm down.

 

Yes, this happens to many moms and kids, including myself. That doesn't make the fear go away though.

 

Yes, most kids are found just fine. That doesn't make the fear go away.

 

Do not treat her like she is overreacting. Just keep reassuring her that she is not a bad mom and that her child is okay. Don't try to persuade her. Tell her you love her and hug her and just wait this out. She needs time to calm down. Just reiterate your love and your trust in her and give her the time she needs to calm down. It takes time.

[Corraleno]

I lost DS in Ikea when he was about 3. He hid in a cabinet, and when I turned around and didn't see him I started running around calling his name. He could hear that I wasn't right next to him anymore and was too scared to come out. Another mom found him.

 

The really scary one, for me, was when XH lost DD at the State Fairgrounds. I was at home when the phone rang and a man's name I didn't recognize came up on caller ID, so I didn't pick up. Then I heard DD leaving a message saying that she couldn't find daddy anywhere and that a nice man was helping her and he let her use his cell phone and I sprinted across the room and grabbed the phone. I just kept saying "Don't leave with anyone but daddy!!! Don't get in anyone's car, even if they offer to bring you home, OK? Can you find the registration desk and stay there? I can be there in half an hour, just DON'T LEAVE, ok???" Luckily it really was a "nice man" with a daughter DD's age who saw her wandering alone and wanted to help, but I had panic attacks about that for weeks!

[Trish]

Even Mary and Joseph lost Jesus.

 

For THREE DAYS, no less!

[Seeking Squirrels]

My grandmother always tells a story about when I was 4 or 5. She couldn't find me anywhere. My grandpa came home and dropped all his stuff to turn around and drive around looking. The police came. Finally I was found hiding behind a couch. I had wet my pants and was embarassed to come out. I'm not sure but I think I was missing for a couple of hours.

 

DD was lost at a hotel outside Disneyland at 3 but I wasn't aware at the time. She had gone with MIL and FIL while DH, SIL and I stayed at the park. I guess they were at a counter inside and MIL left to get something from the car. DD ran after her, but MIL didn't know and she went too fast for FIL with bad knees to keep up. I don't think she was missing more than 5 minutes, but it was scary because she was found by the pool. She'd went through the wrong door trying to follow MIL.

 

I thought I had lost DD at 4 or 5 at a big play center. They had roller skating, bounce places, play space, arcade... big place. It was a birthday party so lots of family around and she had been in the same bounce house for ten minutes. So I told her to stay there while I went to change the baby's diaper. When I got back I couldn't find her. Half the family was looking for her but she was just on another bounce slide that was kind of hidden in the corner. It scared me but it was probably only 5 minutes, maybe 10, from when I didn't see her to when we did and the first couple minutes I wasn't in a panic yet, just looking.

 

A friend of mine just lost her 6/7 year old for a couple hours. She sent her older daughter to go get younger one from the neighbors house. When older daughter asked, the friend there said she wasn't there. So they went to all the friends houses on the block and no one had seen her. The police were called and many people on the block were searching. She was finally found in that first house hiding in a closet. She didn't want to go home so she told friend to tell her sister she wasn't there.

 

It happens. Kids are fast. I can understand her beating herself up about it, it's what we do as parents when anything happens to our kids, wether it's our fault or not. I think she'll just need some time. When she seems ready to listen at all, let her read this thread so she'll see she's not alone. It happens a lot and it happens to the best of parents. I've worked at Sam's club and at Target and we had missing kids all the time. I worked floor at Target and I couldn't tell you how many times we were alerted for a missing child. They aren't all called over loudspeaker. We were usually told "meet in children's" or wherever the child was last seen and when we huddled there we were given the child's description. It happens a lot more than most parents realize, I think.

[OH_Homeschooler]

I think playing the "what if" game is the worst. Our oldest DD once got out of the house when she was little. DH thought she was with me in one room, I thought she was with him in another. We freaked out when we realized neither of us had her, and found her walking up and down the street immediately in front of our house. I was so relieved but of course, the "what if's" hit me hard soon after...all that could have happened. I still cringe when I think back on it. But I need to remember that all the bad things didn't happen, and she's safe with us. And we learned a lesson we will never forget! 

[ocelotmom]

My DS walked out of the house one night shortly after he turned 2. We didn't realize it until I woke up at 5AM after the best night's sleep I'd had in 2 years. Luckily, he headed over to a nearby shopping center where there were plenty of people around, and good people, as the vast majority of them are going to be in those circumstances, called the police. Also luckily, it was a hot night. Unfortunately, because it was a very hot night, he was only wearing a flowered scarf that he'd wanted tied around his waist earlier. Not my most stellar parenting moment ever.

 

We think he was probably sleepwalking, as we observed a few other similar incidents after that, but this one happened while we were asleep and without any precedent, or we'd have already had the door locked more childproofly.

 

A few weeks ago I woke up during the eclipse, and decided to go wake the same DS up to go see it. He wasn't in his bed. Checked all over the house multiple times, including trying to find a 5 foot tall 10 year old somehow hiding somewhere on a twin-sized mattress. After a bunch of panic and "Oh no, not again!", I finally got the brainstorm that maybe he'd gone out to see the eclipse himself, and that's exactly what had happened - I found him sleeping under a bunch of blankets in the back yard.

 

As to your sister overreacting - nearly 9 years later, just reading this thread has me in tears.

[FO4UR]

When my 3rd child was 2yo, he left the house.  I was getting shoes on the feet of my 3yo and 5yo, and the 2yo just left.   ACK!!!!  

 

 

Thankfully, a neighbor saw him and held his hand on the sidewalk until I found him.  I have a patch of gray hair from that day.

[gardenmom5]

1ds was never lost.  he always knew where he was. GLARE!!!!! 

 

he could disappear in about as much time as it took me to turn around, and he'd be gone.  one time I found him on a different floor of the science center.   my mother had a leash for my brother.  I looked for one . . . .

 

I think I started calming down when he got to be around 11 - 12. 

[Dmmetler]

When my DD was only about 18-19 months old, we'd just moved to a new house with a park across the street. Apparently, DD decided she wanted to go to the park, so she opened the back door and headed over there. Fortunately, it was also the time of day that moms were lining up to pick up kids from PS, and a concerned mom saw her, flew out of her car, and brought her back to the house before I'd even realized I'd lost her.

 

We got locks that require a key to open from both sides that day :).

 

 

[SKL]

My kid sister (then age 1) woke up very early one morning, pulled on several layers of PJs, made herself several different bowls of cereal, stacked the bowls, and went walking and munching down the street.  We were all blissfully unaware until the police rang the doorbell.  The police chief lived a few doors down and said that he saw her getting ready to cross the street.

[MysteryJen]

One afternoon when ds3 was five, all of the sudden the house was really quiet. I started calling and calling, and looked around, sent kids to the neighbors, out on bikes, etc. Finally, I called dh at work and said I was calling 911. We had officers looking all over the house and a police dog outside. We have an irrigation ditch behind our house and I know the police were worried. After about 45 minutes, the detective and cops were conferring about issuing an Amber Alert. I heard some singing.  Ds3 was in the hall closet, behind a leaf for our kitchen table. I had looked in there, the police did as well.

 

The detective talked to him for a bit and he told her that he just needed some privacy.

 

It was the scariest thing that ever happened to me and I still stress a bit when I can't find him right away. It took days before I felt better and I am certain that it took years off my life.

 

Hugs to your sister, OP.

[Lolly]

well, yes, i have. I'll save the best for last.

 

1. DD19a at about 2. Disappeared while home. We found her after searching frantically inside and outside, visiting all the neighbors, and were about to call the police. She was in her bed under the covers napping.

 

2. Ds17 at about 1.5: Thanksgiving with both sides of the family visiting for dinner. I was frantically cooking for all. The doorbell rang. Our neighbor from across the busy street and down a couple of houses brought ds home to us. Seems he managed to unlock and open the locked and dead bolted door to escape the house. I thought Grandmama had him, who thought Auntie had him, ... We put those childproof thingies on the doorknobs after this. NO good. He could open them anyway. He could get through anything.

 

3. Ds17 at 3. Somehow managed to not be in the car in his carseat when I left. Not sure how it happened to this day. I swear I buckled him in. But, the kid was good at escaping. And quiet. So I wouldn't notice he wasn't there. He was on the front porch waiting on us to return. I did realize he wasn't in the car after a little bit. Or, one of the girls noticed. Don't recall which.

 

4. The doozy. Ds17...again...this time at around 6 yo. We were vacationing at a huge resort. One of those that has shops, restaurants, golf courses...Big. Bike rentals came with our package. We had biked about 20 minutes (milesand miles) to the shopping/marina area. I turned around in a store by the marina and ds was gone. I called him. No answer. SEarched for him in the store. No child. Girls said he was right there with us. Store manager called police. Within minutes there were tens of police units at the marina. Officers swarming down trails and into every boat docked there. Helicopters scouring the water and land looking for him. One of the officers thought to have me check our bikes. Sure enough, his was gone. We called the bike rental spot we had started from. Sure enough, he had biked back there alone. NO clue how he managed to find it. He had looked around in the store and not seen us. (No clue how he missed his three sisters and myself who were all right there, probably within a few feet of him.) Panicked, thought we left him, grabbed his bike (which ironically was right beside ours), and headed back to our rented condo. The girl at the bike rental had him shooting hoops while she waited on us to try to find him. He had made it back to our starting spot in record time. Poor boy must have pedaled furiously. 

 

I'm sure there were other small misplaced moments. These are just the ones that really stand out in my mind. Especially that last one.

 

 

[LucyStoner]

You know those stories of kids left in the car?  I was almost of those moms.  My younger son was a newborn.  I was burning the candle at both ends- newborn, cancer caregiver for dying mother, my own SEVERE PPD.  My mother was admitted to the hospital for something or another.  It's a blur.  I went with her.  My father stayed with my sons.  Later he brought my newborn to me outside the hospital to nurse and took my older son to his apartment.  I drove myself and my younger son home.  I hadn't left with a child and I was tired and totally forgot I had him with me.  I went inside.  I don't recall how long it was until I remembered.  But it was awhile.  When I remembered and RAN to the car, he was still there, sleeping in the baby bucket and didn't seem to have awakened.  Thankfully, it was like February or something so no overheating. 

 

It can happen to anyone but it doesn't feel good when it does!  I aged 5 years on that dash to the car. 

[Snow]

Yes, just this winter we lost ds. It was only about 20-30 min but the panic that you feel is awful. We were at a ski resort and It was the end of the day. I was going to get the car and pick everyone up so we didn't have to haul our gear. Well ds asked dad if he could go with me after I had been gone about 30 seconds and dh said yes, run and catch up. I came back to see only 2 of them and dh asked if ds ever ran into me - uh, no! Well as it turns out ds went to the place we parked last year and had been sitting there waiting but man - so terrifying in such a vast chaotic place!