Aspie and haircuts

[PeterPan]

Let's just say for the sake of argument ds5 is sorta kissing the spectrum.  I don't know if he is or not, but let's just say.  He has beautiful fluffy hair like mine that I keep in a very traditional boy cut, sorta longish on top and trimmed up around the ears and back.  He's also sort of opinionated about himself and his clothing, like almost everything he wears is camo, that kind of thing.  He wears other clothing when we go to town, because that's the rule we taught him upfront when we started giving him camo.

 

Anyways, the hair.  Sigh.  Last year, say in June, I decided it was so hot and that it would be nice to give him a buzz cut.  He struggled mightily with that, so much so that when I mentioned today to my MIL that I was going to give him a buzz this week, so looked at me funny and asked if I was sure.  

 

So do I cut his hair or not?  I think you know what I mean, and if you don't know what I mean don't answer honestly.  I've spent a couple weeks now talking with him about the idea and about the idea of flexibility and that our hair grows and that we can have our hair lots of ways.  I struggle with it too (don't ask), so I understand that this can be hard for him.  I read in a book (or was it a website?) that it takes a lot of occurrences and stretching to build flexibility on an issue.  On the other hand, you could just be pressing and creating problems unnecessarily, kwim?  

 

My reasons for cutting it?  Well mainly pragmatic.  It will be easier to keep tidy during the convention if it's buzzed, and I'm thinking it will be good during swim lessons as well.  There's actually an aesthetic argument for leaving it fluffy, as it actually does look really adorable that way.  (He's gonna be a heartthrob!)  But there was that secondary concern in my mind that maybe he needs that experience of his hair changing to develop flexibility?  Or is changing his hair like that just unnecessary trauma?  

 

I *think* I may have him where he can accept it.  I just want to make sure it's the right thing to do and actually beneficial to go through that process.

 

Any advice?

[OneStepAtATime]

Well, I don't think DS is on the spectrum but he does have issues with inflexibility regarding himself and his environment (sensory integration issues?).  Hair is one issue, but not nearly as bad as it was when he was younger.  Lettuce is another.  He hates the feel of lettuce.  Does he have to eat lettuce?  No.  But I found that if I had him eat just a tiny bit of lettuce every day, then it wasn't such a problem.  We started out pretty miniscule, but now he will eat two lettuce leaves.  Now other foods with a similar texture are not as stressful for him to try.  Same with haircuts.  I had to be consistent, trimming tiny bits rather often.  And have professional haircuts on a regular basis so he got used to the sounds, feel, sights, smells, etc.  Otherwise, yikes, not a pretty picture. But my situation may stem from very different issues than yours....

 

Don't think I helped much but good luck and best wishes, OhE... :)

[Jennifer-72]

Haircuts were very tough here. Ds only started allowing someone other then me to cut his hair this past year or so. Sensory wise he had a terrible time allowing anyone behind him to touch his head. I dont think even now he would be okay with clippers, he barely tolerates combing it! I always had to cut it myself. Fortunately, he has amazing curls that look best a bit on the shaggy side and that were pretty forgiving to my sad haircutting skills. His hair is a constant conversation starter when we are out. So many strangers comes up to tell him how much they love his curls, so it has the advantage of being great social skills practice for him, lol.

 

For me it wasn't something I was willing to battle him with and turning into a power struggle. I am glad we kept gently pursuing it over the years that it took to get there. So my vote is to leave it.

[Jennifer-72]

Oh I guess I should mention that for the longest time dh used to take ds with him to the hairdresser to watch him get his haircut and get him familiar with the environment. Ds's aversion to getting his head touched was just so strong that I really didn't feel we would be doing him or us any favors by making him do it. I just slowly worked at him allowing me to brush his hair without complaint, then with him allowing me to cut it and finally with him watching when dh went to the hairdresser and finally trying it out for himself. We did take him the first time with the full expectation that he may flip out and we would have to walk away with half or less of his hair actually cut, but he sat like an angel for the hairdresser and even tried to make small talk that was cracking dh and I up.

 

So all that to say, sometime I find it is best to step back and make sure you are raising the challenge to the "just right" level for him, iykwim. Often what seems like the next logical step actually has lots of intermediary steps and it is more successful for your child and yourself to break it down and work on the one of those intermediary steps as your next goal instead of bypassing them and trying to just get to the end goal. That is what always works here anyway. It also gives me the added peace of mind that I know that both ds and myself are working towards getting there and not just ignoring the whole situation.

 

I am not sure I am making sense. I spent all weekend with my lovely inlaws and my mil being the wonderful cook that she is made every single one of our favorites and I think I am in some sort of food coma....

[texasmama]

Your plan to cut his hair seems reasonable to me.  You have discussed it with him and prepared him for it.  Part of your "agenda" (not in a negative sense) is to help him to adjust to change.  With a kid kissing the spectrum, these opportunities can be hard to come by so I think if you have one, it is wise to take it.  After all, as you said, if it is a mistake and he hates it, it will grow back.  You can state this upfront even.  I have one who kisses the spectrum, and he just dislikes change so if his hair was long, he would hate it short and if it was short, he would hate it long.  With spectrum-ish kids, when they are young, it is good to accommodate, and as they get older, it is good to help them acclimate to the world at large. Getting a haircut seems like a reasonable way to begin working towards the latter goal, but only you know for sure if it is worth the possible fall out.

[PeterPan]

Well duh, I hadn't even thought of intermediate steps!   :thumbup:   I was just thinking in terms of all or nothing.  I like that and the idea of pursuing it gently, not traumatically.  Sometimes I miss the clues on that.  ;)  So that's extremely helpful and gives me lots of ideas.  I'll talk with dh for his observations and then make a decision.  It just totally had not occurred to me that we could take it down in steps, duh...  But really, when I've gone middle of the road, say trimming off 1/2 but not to a buzz, he was not happy.  

 

Thanks ladies.  I'll talk it through with dh and we'll make a decision.

[PeterPan]

Ok, I talked with dh, and I think we have a game plan.  Since the goal is flexibility and the actual length isn't as important, we're just going to take your advice and talk it through with him, see what opening we get, and do that.  That will work on flexibility without making an issue over the part that isn't as important.  If we get a trim, compromise cut, or a buzz, doesn't really matter.  

 

See, y'all helped me be flexible too!  :)

[Jennifer-72]

That sounds perfect! I remember when I first started talking to ds when he was around 5 about how we need to be flexible, I gave him one of those silly bands to wear to remind him. I actually started wearing one myself to remind me as well!

[Lecka]

Personally I would try for a trim and not try for clippers.  There are a lot of little boys who don't do clippers.  

 

My son does not have much of an issue, but he is not so sensitive to his head.  In the past he has had a second of clippers and not wanted to continue, that is fine at the Great Clips we go to, seems they do that with many kids, you can just tell them, "try the clippers, if they say no, they say no."  They will turn the clippers on and hold them where the kids can see them, I have seen them do it with many little kids.  

 

Since my husband is a soldier -- we are often at Great Clips on Saturday for his hair cut (he needs a new haircut for Monday mornings).  My son gets a sucker there, they keep them for kids.  After hair cuts there is a sucker.  

 

So -- really we have done a whole "getting used to it, make it fun, oh and there is a sucker" thing, but not with a huge amount of intention.  It is not unlike what our therapist recommends for getting ready for the dentist.  She has a little toy dental mirror thing and will ask him to open his mouth once in a while for her to check his teeth (in a comfortable setting for him).  She has kids who go to lay in the dentist chair as practice a few times before getting a cleaning.  

 

I do think, you could also see if he could get a trim at home.  Possible challenges at Great Clips would be:  you have to sit in the high chair, and for little kids they set a board down and kids sit on a board (a cushioned board, but still).  Sometimes it smells like hair product.  There is flourescent lighting.  It is a stranger.  It is not home.  I think those add a lot beyond just the actual hair cut.  But for my son -- he has been to play toys and get a sucker while dad gets his hair cut, many Saturdays in his life.  So -- he is used to that and also they are maybe just not so much issues for him.  

 

Really he does not mind having his head touched and he does not have an opinion about his hair at this point.  So even with those not as issues -- he has not wanted clippers in the past I think just from the sound and the sensation.  

 

My son also loves suckers, and Great Clips is the only place he gets them.  

 

We have been doing lotion for about two months, preparing for sun screen this summer.  It is going extremely well and I am very hopeful that he will tolerate sun screen on his cheeks more easily this year.  He puts lotion on his own arms right now!  I also think he might be able to put a stick kind on his face himself this summer.  I have already gotten him goggles and he will wear them, too.  He started having them on for a second, and has worked up.  

[PeterPan]

Yup, I cut his hair myself.  And you're right, the dentist worked him up to it, which is what I think they try to do for all kids.  We'll see how it goes! I even trim my dog's hair.  I don't know, it's just one of those things I got interested in as a kid, and once I had men to try on...  Dd didn't usually get much more thrilling than straight across or a bob.  Now she has a fancy hair lady and I wouldn't cut her hair.   :)

 

Oh, I did take him to a place one time, just to see what they would do differently.  They had tiny clippers (the Peanut), so I got those.  They definitely make a difference, because they're smaller and quieter.  He was definitely freaked out by the regular clippers.  Now if I could use my dog clippers on him, that would be something, hehe...  They're 5 speed and all swanky.  The dog didn't like noisy clippers either.   :D

 

And just as a word of note, please don't be impressed by that.  Yes I cut my kid's hair and groom my dog, but I don't do basic things like remember to wash laundry.  It's not like I do all that AND everything else y'all do.  Everybody typically does something.  We just don't do it all.  It's just my funny way of contributing to the family, saving us a few bucks by doing grooming, and my dh kicks in and covers things for me that y'all probably do.

[Plink]

Ok, I talked with dh, and I think we have a game plan.  Since the goal is flexibility and the actual length isn't as important, we're just going to take your advice and talk it through with him, see what opening we get, and do that.  That will work on flexibility without making an issue over the part that isn't as important.  If we get a trim, compromise cut, or a buzz, doesn't really matter.  

 

See, y'all helped me be flexible too!  :)

Sounds like a perfect solution! Intentionally encouraging flexibility is so important, but it is so hard as a mom to know which battles to pick. Usually we want them to be flexible on our schedule and over the things that are most important to us, because we know that an epic battle is coming and noone in their right mind would go thee unless the issue is just that important. Good for you for finding a non-crisis moment to teach flexibility. Keep us updated!

[geodob]

Maybe you could make it mutual?

You give him a buzz cut, and he can give you a buzz cut.

 

[laughing lioness]

No advice, but reading Following Ezra and he does talk quite a bit about hair cutting.

[PeterPan]

Maybe you could make it mutual?

You give him a buzz cut, and he can give you a buzz cut.

You are way too fun.  :D

 

 

No advice, but reading Following Ezra and he does talk quite a bit about hair cutting.

Thanks, I'll look for it.  He's out of sorts today, so I don't think we'll try.  

[kbutton]

What texasmama said.

 

It's kind of hard to decide how to approach something when sensory and flexibility issues meet. Clothes, haircuts, food.

 

We have to sell things in advance and approach with caution.

 

On a side note, if you put a cotton pad between the buzzer and the guard/comb, it dampens the noise (my brother showed me that one). Another sensory help is to do it when the kiddo is really relaxed. I try to cut my son's hair after he's been swimming. I am fairly certain I could pluck his hairs out one by one, and he wouldn't notice if he's been in the pool long enough. It's amazing how relaxed he gets.

 

My boys are both MUCH better about getting hair cuts now that I am faster with the clippers (and I am faster with the clippers when they wiggle less--it's a crazy cycle).

[PeterPan]

I'm trying to imagine where that cotton goes.  That's an interesting idea!

[kbutton]

If you use a cosmetic square, you cut it in half so that it doesn't cover the blades. You put it right on the bottom of the metal plates that move back and forth, and then you put the comb (guard, whatever it's called that snaps onto the clippers) on top of the cotton.

 

I'm trying to imagine where that cotton goes.  That's an interesting idea!

 

[PeterPan]

If you use a cosmetic square, you cut it in half so that it doesn't cover the blades. You put it right on the bottom of the metal plates that move back and forth, and then you put the comb (guard, whatever it's called that snaps onto the clippers) on top of the cotton.

Ahh, makes sense!  We're in discussions, so we'll see how it goes.  Apparently he was worried he could go bald and didn't understand that you actually MEASURE the hair when you're cutting with scissors.  To him it all could end up bald.  So we'll see.  Explained how we measure with our fingers when cutting with scissors, so now to explain about how the blade guards function like fingers to help us measure...  

[prairiewindmomma]

----

[PeterPan]

Well he did it!!  We talked about the clipper blades being like fingers for measuring.  Apparently his biggest sticking point was that he thought he'd go bald!  Of course that's because we already did things over the years like getting quieter clippers, etc.  So with 2 weeks of pre-talk, the quiet clippers, an explanation of lengths, and picking the blades himself, he seems to have survived.  No what he does TOMORROW, I can't say, lol.  He's been known to come unglued later and lash out at you about something you thought he was fine with.  Anyways, for now it's done and without tears or saga.  Oh, I also gave him Calm Child this morning.  There's chamomile, valerian, that kind of thing in it.   :lol:

 

So thanks ladies, I think the flexibility y'all talked me into definitely helped.

[jetzmama]

Never considered lifelong haircut aversions as sensory or spectrum related (we're in that nebulous kissing the spectrum place). Just wow.  One thing that has helped is to talk about what a certain hairstyle communicates to those around us.  When adults see a short hair cut, or a well kept longer style, the first impression is going to be a good one that can be built upon.  If the hair has become overly long, or is a mess, the first impression will not be good and will need to be overcome to achieve the same good standing that the first kid started with. The logic of it helped in the younger years. Not so much as a teen.  Definitely going to try to determine if it is a sensory issue! 

[Finnella]

One thing that's still important to my son is having a towel around his neck instead of the standard paper strip. I think a stylist we saw when he was really young thought of it, and it's always helped. My son's hair is very thick and curly (red too), so a scissor cut was the only way to go for many years. He eventually could tolerate the clippers to finish the back and around his ears.

 

We were fortunate to have a stylist who came to our house for a while and cut both boys' hair. That was fantastic; I was so sad when she finally moved away.

 

When he was 14, he decided that the hassle of having curls was too much. He wears his hair very short now, and it's all cut with a clipper. I talked to him first, and he agreed to it because he really wanted the short cut. So sometimes things do get better. (He still insists on that towel.)