Can we talk about unmotivated students?

[Tess in the Burbs]

So here we are...end of 6th grade.  Child still hates school.  We have changed things.  We have relaxed in some areas.  Or pushed in some.  Nothing has changed.  He could care less about anything relating to academics.  However, he's figuring out even blue collar jobs want English and Math skills.  

 

I really have no clue what to do for 7th grade.  I am so tired of the whining.  Who knew a screaming toddler was preferential over a whiny 12 year old???

 

This kid is not motivated by anything.  Not food, not things....

 

What in the heck do I do with him?  I really hate the whining.....so continuing to offer up an education is just torture to me.  School is not an option and based on past Sunday School experiences....he's not one to do more b/c there is a group.  

 

We tried the learn what you want thing last summer.  He did nothing.  He had ideas.  He implemented none of them. 

 

So those who have been down this path(and I know there are many of you!), what did you end up doing with your unmotivated students?  Do I just keep putting it in front of him, making him do it all, and listen to the whining?  If the whining had stopped today we could have 2 hours of our lives back....instead we are still sitting here waiting on him to stop whining and actually start something. :-(

 

 

[Halcyon]

HUGS! I am sorry--has he always been like this with school? or is this new, a tween thing? I have an 11 year old who behaves fine, but my 8 year old! Oh, the whining! I feel your pain. 

 

Personally, I would be very firm (and again, this is JUST ME. I know this wouldn't work for some people, and it's just my personality that would tend this way). I would outline exactly what needed to be completed each day, with a checklist. You would be available but not sit with him all the time. He would work until done with his list, which would be a reasonable list, one that could be completed in 3-4 hours if he worked diligently. Tell him that if he finishes by x time, you will all go out for ice cream or a DVD or whatever. If not, he will stay in his chair until it's done. Another alternative is for you to say "let's do it your way one day, and my day one day", meaning that one day, he'll approach his work in whatever way he wants, dilly-dallying, complaining, etc. The next day, he will do it without a complaint. That way, he can see that without complaining, he will get his work done quickly and get to move on to something "fun". 

 

That worked with my kid, but I understand that it may not with yours. 

[Tess in the Burbs]

He's always been this way.  And we willingly let him pick the materials for this year hoping he would own his work more.  And I am firm.  There is a minimum expectation in our home for everyone.  In their attitude, their work efforts, in relationships....

 

I see days of maturity popping through and it gives me hope.  But gosh, these days where the whining is hours long is so hard.  Dd and I are miserable hearing it!  

 

I can't even begin to think about next year's school purchases....him picking his own wasn't any benefit.  But I dread the whining if I just pick and give it to him.   He's not a slow kid either.  He's really smart...loves history, does well in grammar and math although he hates them.  But he has mastered whining about every detail of his life.  

 

Yes, being firm gets me a day of hard work.  And a week of whining.  I'd like to turn those stats around you know?

[bluedarling]

Happy to not be alone in this!  For my dd13 this year, her academics are extremely minimal, but at least she's getting it done.  She can finish her work in 2-3 hours because its so minimal...but at least we've reached a point without school refusal or tantrums. Unfortunately what she's doing for 7th grade my dd8 could do just as easily!  (I figure something that gets done is better than a more thorough education that is refused.)  I do want to try to step it up a little next year, but I am trying to add things more along her interest lines....so while her reported (ps at home) science will be very minimal, I'm adding equine science on top of it (so overall she's getting more...though part of it is light science in her interest area.)  Same with social studies...she wants to learn about the Amazon and survival skills (so I am making this a part of her social studies, but also adding learning states and capitals.)   When first asked she had no "interest" areas, but they eventually came up in conversation, and I offered that it could be a school subject, and she was pleased with the thought.  She is doing OK in math at the moment (but was really struggling earlier this year.)  That said, we still have cycles of not getting her work done....whenever she hits anything that requires any effort on her part.  She just hasn't developed the maturity to work through her struggles.  She wants to be independent and not ever need help...but that's not how she learns best!   I'm not happy with her education, but its HER education, and if she isn't going to work at it, there's not much I can do until she is (at least partially) self-motivated.  When I try to add "motivation" is usually backfires on me.

[...................]

Today I took away my son's computer (also 6th grade) and told him that when he is all caught up on schoolwork and I haven't heard any complaining about it (none, not in voice or attitude or facial expressions) he can have his computer back.

 

This is working for him, because he realizes it is only up to him to earn his computer back.  (He mostly actually uses his computer for educational purposes for computer programming so I am hesitant to take it away but ....whatever works.)

 

I think the complaining is largely the result of them thinking that either

A. You are the enemy and they want to let you know how much they hate working

B.  You make the schedule and they want to complain to you because you Stink for Being the Person Who Makes the Schedule

C.  They think you will cut work back in response. (I have actually made this ridiculous mistake.)

 

So...what's the common factor?  Me.  So I had to figure out a way to remove myself from the scenario for a while.  Is there any way that you can remove yourself from the scenario by removing any privilege until the complaining stops?  Is there any way that Dad can oversee the schoolwork for a while?  

 

 

[Tess in the Burbs]

He's still doing math...we had to go pick up his new bike today...and dd had plans for a friend here....so he's whining about the math from this morning. I finally got him to eat, so soon he'll start back at math. And then literature. So yeah dad is supervising this evening but DS doesn't respond well to his ways. It's just easier to oversee the drama myself.

 

But he lost video games for the week and I'm not about to let the new bike get a ride until his work is done.

 

He's really not motivated by anything....making school and life with him miserable

[brownie]

I would think of it as 2 separate issues...whining, which is a bad habit, and lack of motivation.  One does not need to be motivated to stop whining.

 

It's rougher the older they get I think so this may be to childish...but when the whining, and getting up from our chairs, and arguing across the table and general unruliness cycle up here, I implement 5 Hershey morsels for 30 minutes of peace during math, our first subject of the day.  And then another 5 for the second 30 minutes.  The criteria are well defined as we begin.  I've also gone so far as to offer 1 for each "yes m'am" when respect is the issue...they get silly about this and that is fine.  Or I dock them if they interrupt me talking to the other child.  Just depends what the prevalent behavioral issue is at the time.  This fades away after a week and seems to buy me a few weeks of improved behavior even though I pretty much let it go the rest of the day.

 

Of course another option is punishment.  If a child is doing Saxon for example, I would let them pick 20 problems, and if there is no whining they are done, but each whine earns an extra problem.  I've never actually followed through on extra work though I've extended the length of time when they are clearly not giving me their attention for the full allotted time.  I HAVE done checkmarks...3 checkmarks on the board for "bad behavior" earns a chore. 

 

I am sure there must be books/stories out there on how our attitudes impact those around us...I would approach the whining from that perspective.

 

As far as motivation, you sound frustrated because you can't Externally motivate him, but it souns like he has some internal motivation or at least natural academic interests.  I would try to pursue those as much as possible (while making him think it's his idea) :)

Brownie

[Guest]

*HUGS* You have my sympathy. My 4 guys are the same way. 

[sierramv1]

I make my DS (11) run laps, around the house. Whining drives me crazy more than anything else in the world. 5 laps for each offense. It gets him out, getting his blood going, fresh air, it usually works great if he whines about the 5, it becomes 10...

 

They also have to run laps for saying mean things to their siblings, or putting their hands on each other in a mean way. I am a meanie!! If nothing else they get some exercise, some days LOTS of exercise!!  

[KrissiK]

My nearly 11 year old is exactly like that. He is very bright, but does the absolute minimum and tries to get away with even less. Nothing motivates him and he's taking to cheating if something is even slightly difficult - like he actually has to think for a minute about how to solve a math problem. I have since hidden every teacher's manual in the house. I get so frustrated because he has potential, he understands things, but he just. doesn't. care!

[elinnea]

My 12 year old is the same way.  It is very frustrating.   

[Critterfixer]

OK , ya'll are scaring me. I've got two ten year old boys, and they are beginning to be a little thorny at times, and I'm trying to head this off at the pass if I can. 

I'm assuming that some degree of nasty attitude and lethargy will be due to hormones, and due to the fact that they are realizing that things are getting tough and the tough aren't quite ready to get going, that they can't be forced to do anything, and that Mom may be right but they don't have to like it. I can accept that. I wasn't just a barrel of laughs when I was 12 to 13 (I was a late bloomer). I'm hoping that these guys will be a little slow to mature as well, and so far they seem to be taking their time. They still play games and act silly enough that my neighbors think they are "babyish" for their age. Hallelujah, I say.

But it's coming. 

 

Some ideas I want to bounce around:

1) Involving Dad more. DH isn't around as much as I'd like due to work. The great recession literally pulled our family apart and he isn't in a place where he wants us to be, and we are just going to have to stick it out. But there are some plans in the works for some major labor intensive construction projects that I'd like to get the boys involved in. I'm also convinced that having the boys and Dad plan and build some siege equipment and firearms safety training, as well as getting far more involved in the process of setting up deer camp this year will be good...I've just got to get the men on board with that. In some ways DH is worse than me about wanting the boys to stay little forever. He still wants to start their showers and remind them to brush their teeth.

2)Trying to be Mom more than Magistra. They seem to be really resenting help right now. They sort of want to do it themselves, but when they struggle they are afraid and ask for help. Part of it may be being afraid to fail. What seems to be the bigger issue for them is being afraid to succeed. They know that when they figure it out and do it, that it is probably going to get harder. And they are not just huge fans of struggling. They have always been very good, very compliant, helpful and sensitive guys, and I really think they just don't want to mess up. And it is bothering them to have to take the risk of being wrong, to have to face up to it, and try again. I don't know how to solve that problem, other than to let them work through it and be supportive rather than trying to help.

3) A lot more physical exercise. They get plenty, but I'd like to see them begin to work their bodies a little harder. There is something about pushing your physical limits and winning through that is heartening. Running pretty much was my saving grace during my rough year of 12-13, and I know how helpful it can be for releasing tension and frustrations. I'm hoping that I can help them discover the delights of solo exercise as an individual way of coping with stress.

 

Other ideas I can play with?

[Goldilocks]

I would think of it as 2 separate issues...whining, which is a bad habit, and lack of motivation. One does not need to be motivated to stop whining.

 

It's rougher the older they get I think so this may be to childish...but when the whining, and getting up from our chairs, and arguing across the table and general unruliness cycle up here, I implement 5 Hershey morsels for 30 minutes of peace during math, our first subject of the day. And then another 5 for the second 30 minutes. The criteria are well defined as we begin. I've also gone so far as to offer 1 for each "yes m'am" when respect is the issue...they get silly about this and that is fine. Or I dock them if they interrupt me talking to the other child. Just depends what the prevalent behavioral issue is at the time. This fades away after a week and seems to buy me a few weeks of improved behavior even though I pretty much let it go the rest of the day.

 

Of course another option is punishment. If a child is doing Saxon for example, I would let them pick 20 problems, and if there is no whining they are done, but each whine earns an extra problem. I've never actually followed through on extra work though I've extended the length of time when they are clearly not giving me their attention for the full allotted time. I HAVE done checkmarks...3 checkmarks on the board for "bad behavior" earns a chore.

 

I am sure there must be books/stories out there on how our attitudes impact those around us...I would approach the whining from that perspective.

 

As far as motivation, you sound frustrated because you can't Externally motivate him, but it souns like he has some internal motivation or at least natural academic interests. I would try to pursue those as much as possible (while making him think it's his idea) :)

Brownie

We have recently started something similar. I call it M&M school. It has worked wonders with the whining.

When I call a start to a subject each child gets 5 M&Ms. If there is any whining they lose one - I actually eat it right in front of them. It makes me feel much better. They get what is left after the subject is done.

[Mandy in TN]

http://thesetemporarytents.com/2014/04/03/every-homeschooler-entrepreneur-prodigy-hackschooler-overachiever/

I don't know that I agree with everything in this post, but I do agree with the title:

Why does every homeschoolers have to be an entrepreneur? Or a prodigy, hackschooler, or overachiever?

 

Earlier I wrote a post assuring another mom that her 11yo ds who doesn't want to do schoolwork is normal. My husband and I talked about it. He said that when he was 11yo he definitely tried to get out of homework. He said that if he had been homeschooled at 11yo he would have taken every opportunity to slack off.

 

There is some sort of pressure, expectation, in the homeschooling community that children should jump out of bed each morning grateful to be at home and happily enthusiastic to begin their school day. (And, if this isn't how your school day goes, then YOU must be doing something wrong. Just change the curriculum to better suit how the child learns ;) ) Guess what? Some kids just don't like school of any sort. They wouldn't like it any better in a traditional classroom or in an RV.

 

It isn't personal. It isn't anything against you or your curriculum. You can't make a child excited or motivated, However, I would work on the attitude. I like the idea of eating the M&Ms in front of him. lol

Mandy

[happypamama]

There is something to be said for the old adage of "wait until your father gets home."  Especially with boys, Dad being in their faces and all really seems to help.  I do discipline my children as necessary, but they know that something is a serious issue if I involve Daddy.  Sometimes they just need Daddy to sit them down for a Little Talk.  (We all look at it like this: Mom is here with you all day.  Dad is only here for a few hours, and if he's taking his limited hours to deal with something, that means it is a Very Big Deal.)  Beyond that, physical activity works wonders -- running laps, jumping jacks.  Manual labor, too -- chopping/hauling firewood, yardwork, cleaning.

 

I would send him to his room for the whining (assuming you've already done exercise and a solid snack).  You don't need to hear the whining!  Sometimes everything in life isn't fun.  If he needs assistance, fine, but he needs to ask without whining and complaining.  No privileges until work is done, and with a reasonably pleasant attitude.  No bike (although walking or running for exercise would be okay), no video games, no desserts, no outings, whatever works in your house.  Schoolwork is his job.  I think sometimes homeschooled kids really don't know how good they have it; mine have never been to school, so they don't have a basis for comparison and sometimes think I pile on too much work. ;)

[Tess in the Burbs]

thanks for the commiseration.  I guess even at that age I understood school was something you just had to do.  And the sooner you did it, the more free time you had.  But this isn't a kid who ever enjoyed school.  This isn't a kid who is motivated by much.  And so far no passion has moved him to try harder in school.  I do think maturity will help this.  

 

We will keep working on daily exercise and teaching him to do his work efficiently.  And I really hope he finds some passions in the next year so we can tweak his education to be better suited to his interests.  And working on his attitude is the focus right now.  

[Susie in CA]

You have my sympathy! I have one like this. I learned that whining and complaining is his nature. This does not mean that it is acceptable behavior, however, I have learned to work around it. Ds is now 14. He still does all that whining. He does (almost) always end up doing the work in the end, but it takes so much longer than it should because of all that energy he puts into complaining. Instead of focusing on his whining I have decided to ignore him when he does it. Sometimes it does indeed get so extreme that his brother and I cannot concentrate and work anymore. When this happens I actually pack up all his brother's school books, we hop in the car and leave to work somewhere else. This then usually involves us having lunch out as well. Interestingly, this is the only thing that has bothered him enough to  shape up although it was never intended as punishment. And he will control the whining and complaining after an incident like this for a few weeks or so. I used to do this about 3 or 4 times a year. Now it happens much less often.

 

I was able to do this when ds was younger because Dad worked from home. So I didn't really leave him alone. He just had no one to complain to. I don't know if you could do something like this but if you can logistically speaking it may be worth a try.

 

Good Luck. I know this can be so hard.

 

[EndOfOrdinary]

We went through a bout of this. It was MineCraft all the time. Even when he did his work, he was not engaged. At the six to eight month point I was pretty straight up that as a parent my job was to make him aware of how to be a functional citizen and that included schooling. If he was not going to be invested in what I was doing, he could go to public school and be babysat. It wasn't that I did not want him at home, or that he wasn't welcome, but I wasn't going to sacrifice all that our family does in homeschooling if he was not actively involved.

 

Up until then, I do not know that he had considered the fact that our family was giving up quite a bit for him to be homeschooled. As far as he knew, this is just what we did. When it was explained that I could have a job, a life outside our household, and everyone could be doing other things, then he shifted his behavior.

 

If the student doesn't want to learn, I wouldn't destroy myself or the family over it. Teachers are not emotionally invested. Not only do I live with one, I was one; it is not the same as teaching your own kid. It is much easier for a teacher to lay the smack down, hold the line, and walk away. At a certain point if your son does not learn what failing looks like, he cannot be a competent citizen. There are no consequences at home, because there is no reason to have them. There are plenty of social consequences at school.

 

Before it wrecks your relationship, or sets up a seriously destructive pattern, you might want to consider either brick and morter or a charter where he has to answer to someone other than his parents.

[Hunter]

I didn't read the whole thread, but American School's GENERAL diploma option starting in 8th grade was a life saver for me. I prefer the GENERAL program started EARLY, and then add college prep courses as ELECTIVES, if it turns out that I think the student will actually complete them.

 

Send the boys out to WORK. Let them work alongside MEN all day. Find a job where they are in pain and sweating, and around grown men in dead end jobs that will DAILY encourage them to strive higher, and tell them that, yes, their mom might be weird, but really isn't that bad.

 

Once the student had completed 1/4 of the AS course you can officially call them a "sophomore" and if they can work days, they are pretty employable at that point. The first courses are the shortest. So by April, when seasonal jobs were opening up,  my 8th grader was able to find himself a job on the docks. 

 

American School and WORK turned everything around for my oldest. And especially the co-workers from Nepal and Thailand and the one that threw his false teeth up into the toilet and had to work toothless for a month to be able to afford new ones.

[...................]

Today I took away my son's computer (also 6th grade) and told him that when he is all caught up on schoolwork and I haven't heard any complaining about it (none, not in voice or attitude or facial expressions) he can have his computer back.

 

This is working for him, because he realizes it is only up to him to earn his computer back.  (He mostly actually uses his computer for educational purposes for computer programming so I am hesitant to take it away but ....whatever works.)

 

I think the complaining is largely the result of them thinking that either

A. You are the enemy and they want to let you know how much they hate working

B.  You make the schedule and they want to complain to you because you Stink for Being the Person Who Makes the Schedule

C.  They think you will cut work back in response. (I have actually made this ridiculous mistake.)

 

So...what's the common factor?  Me.  So I had to figure out a way to remove myself from the scenario for a while.  Is there any way that you can remove yourself from the scenario by removing any privilege until the complaining stops?  Is there any way that Dad can oversee the schoolwork for a while?  

 

By the way, it worked.  My son spent several weeks doing 2-3 DAYS per day of schoolwork, caught himself all up, and stopped complaining completely. Now, in the process of that,  He even went through a phase of anger which was the cause of internalizing his complaining instead of out loud... and he had to be disciplined for his very serious outbursts.  Then, we went through several days of talks about how to think through one's feelings and come up with solutions- that internalizing one's frustration is not the answer because then it can overflow to outbursts.  I almost shipped him off to TimbukTu in the process, but now it is over.  We have charts on the wall with clear consequences, we have a dialogue that we are referencing regarding solving one's problems (rather than complaining or holding it in), communicating with mom, taking more personal responsibility and he has his computer back.

 

It's been a really nasty two weeks but I think it was all worth it...part of the learning and growing and disciplining and teaching process!!!  We all survived and are better for it.

 

I'm sure similar attitudes will rear their ugly heads again but I'd rather him learn these personal and emotional lessons here where he can be properly guided through them, than at the workplace, or in his marriage.

[5LittleMonkeys]

Mine turned out to be a wait and see approach.  It was a decision that I struggled with making and struggled with maintaining, but for this particular dc it was either this path or our mother\daughter relationship was going to self destruct; not to mention the un-repairable damage that would have occurred between this dc and the rest of the family due to the stress.

 

It all started in 5th grade with the constant whining, crying, arguing, rewards not working, consequences not working, bribery not working, threats not working, begging not working.  I could get some work out of her by allowing some interest led work but it would come in spurts and wasn't what I considered even close to grade level.  I knew she could do the work, knew she had the ability to focus if she felt the work was important enough (art, Korean, Japanese, Asian culture). It had to be important to her...not to me. I had to step back and wait for academics to be important to her.  I will disclose that we were dealing with some LDs and working through some anxiety\emotional issues. 

 

The first step I took was repeating 6th grade.  She wasn't happy about it but we discussed the fact that she did not meet the minimum standards that I felt needed to be met in order for her to progress to the next grade level. I explained to her that progressing wasn't just about the work done, it was also her attitude and maturity toward taking ownership of her education.  

 

I assigned her the bare minimums for another year of 6th grade with the understanding that it was up to her to make it to 7th. She was allowed to have lots of time to do "her thing", which sometimes she would and sometimes she wouldn't.  I explained that I would be there to help her in any subject but that as soon as she turned on the whining the books would get closed and either she would leave the room or I would leave the room. I had a hard time sticking to my guns and found on too many occasions that she would push my buttons and I would resort to nagging and making threats.  We made it through the year with her barely completing the minimums.  I learned how to turn off my emotions when dealing with her and she grew up a little and began to see that, by the end of the year, I wasn't going to play the game anymore.  Not repeating 6th again was important to her. 

 

7th grade was bare minimum again.  We had some bumps - she still learning not to throw her emotions at me, me learning to walk away and leave her to figure out that the ball was in her court; that her education was HER education, not mine. She passed 7th grade, doing a little better academically and in attitude than she had the year before. Not repeating 7th grade was important to her. 

 

8th grade (14 years old) has been a year of growth for her. We were still at bare minimum for the academics, but we got to the point that there was no whining at all.  Ever.  Now toward the end of the year she still sometimes chooses not to do some of the work for short periods of time, and I do remind her what needs to be completed for her to advance to 9th. Reminding, not nagging.  I mention it and then move on.  Advancing is important to her, but something else has become important too.  She has a very specific desire for after high school and through lots of discussion and research she knows academically what must happen for her to reach that goal. It's not what I would choose for her.  I feel her talents lie in another field, but lately I see the wheels turning and I see her starting to self-correct when she slacks off.  She's looking at her remaining timeline and asking questions about what she needs to complete to reach her goals.  She's taking ownership.  Her education is becoming important to her as a tool to get where she wants to be.

 

There are days, weeks, that I worry that she's going to fall very short of her goals. I've talked to her about alternatives so that she knows she has options because I'm a realist and don't like to sugar coat things for my dc, but I always encourage her to reach for what she really wants with the understanding that it's going to take ALL her focus and that it will be hard work. I've always told her that I will help her however I can, but not at the expense of being abused by her attitude. She has to want it though.  It has to be important to her. 

 

We've been planning for next year and she's setting goals for herself. Goals that 5 years ago I would have never dreamed she'd willingly shoot for on her own. I have no doubt in my mind that if I hadn't stopped pushing against who she is and hadn't stopped trying to mold her little hexagonal head into a square peg hole we would still be battling. She definitely has some ground to make up, and like I said, I do worry, but I know that at least she's gained the maturity to understand that her education - her future is totally in her hands.  

 

 

 

I was going to end there, but reading back over it I realize that part of her growth and her slow change was that she also has gained the understanding that I'm more interested in HER than I am in her academics. I was willing to put the academics secondary to our relationship, her emotional well-being, and to allowing her to blossom and grow in her own time.  I think that's helped her. Helped her to see me as mom first, and to see that I'm on her side and have respect for her as a unique and one of a kind young woman. 

 

So, that's my story with "one of those dc" in a nutshell.  I hope some of it might be of some help. I know how soul sucking life can feel when trying to educate a resistant child.  In the end it seems that things are moving in the right direction for us, but even if they weren't and she never owned her education, for me, the academics aren't that important that I'm willing to live our lives slaves to it. 

 

[sagira]

What an interesting thread. I struggle with a ds10 who argues minor issues in his lessons, makes smart comments, sees every opportunity to crack a joke, and gets distracted by a gnat flying across the room. He also sometimes disintegrates emotionally if something is (gasp!) challenging. We have major immaturity issues going on here. I feel your pain.

 

Add a slow-moving, reluctant dd6 and impish, busy dd3 to the mix and it's no wonder I hid from everyone last night when dh came home..

[Ellie]

So here we are...end of 6th grade.  Child still hates school.  We have changed things.  We have relaxed in some areas.  Or pushed in some.  Nothing has changed.  He could care less about anything relating to academics.  However, he's figuring out even blue collar jobs want English and Math skills.  

 

I really have no clue what to do for 7th grade.  I am so tired of the whining.  Who knew a screaming toddler was preferential over a whiny 12 year old???

 

This kid is not motivated by anything.  Not food, not things....

 

What in the heck do I do with him?  I really hate the whining.....so continuing to offer up an education is just torture to me.  School is not an option and based on past Sunday School experiences....he's not one to do more b/c there is a group.  

 

We tried the learn what you want thing last summer.  He did nothing.  He had ideas.  He implemented none of them. 

 

So those who have been down this path(and I know there are many of you!), what did you end up doing with your unmotivated students?  Do I just keep putting it in front of him, making him do it all, and listen to the whining?  If the whining had stopped today we could have 2 hours of our lives back....instead we are still sitting here waiting on him to stop whining and actually start something. :-(

 

Discipline for the whining. Keeping putting it in front of him.

 

ETA:

 

This is what you have in your siggy:  Math: Jacobs Algebra, Rainbow Science Yr 2, EFTRU, Runkle Geography, SOTW 3/Core H, First Form Latin, Building Thinking Skills, MP Lit Guides, R&S Grammar/Wrting, Picture Smart Bible NT. Is this still accurate?

 

If so, I'd do some whining, too. Personally, I would probably drop the Latin and the Building Thinking Skills and EFTRU. And maybe he would do better with a textbook than with SOTW. Isn't there some overlap between SOTW and Runkle?

[Mukmuk]

Commiseration.

 

I've "taken over" in my house, ie I don't put up with the whining and I-don't-like-it's. We've come full circle and I wonder why I had such unformed ideals about self directed learning. For some kids (like mine) who are immature, it just doesn't work- too much choice can be confusing. In giving choice, I was trying to elicit self motivation, but what I saw instead was self selected shutdowns in specific areas for no apparent reason other than, "I don't think I'll like it".

 

These days, he reads a book 1st to tell me what he doesn't like about it. Or we do an area of study regardless, since he can't form an opinion without more information. We discuss ideas, whereas in the past, I'd bust my butt looking for things he liked, but he blew it off all too easily and was the worse for it. Ds is finding out that interest comes hand in hand with effort.

 

We're over a hump and I'm holding on to a new order. It's been a trying period, and at the worst, it heightened ds' OCD tendencies. But things do seem to be calming down. Ds tells me he's actually enjoying what he used to actively dodge, and we're having discussions that lead to other trails :o. It's early days and all that, but for sure, this structure remains.

[RootAnn]

We've definitely had our bad days here. It is helpful for me to have a friend whose oldest is a couple years older than my oldest. I've watched him come from an average (some complaints, more than a few tears, hard-to-get-out-of-bed-and-get-your-work-done) boy to a motivated and respectful teenager in a few years. He now gets himself up early, walks the dog, starts breakfast for his family, and gets his work done without much redirection. Amazing stuff. So, I have hope for the future, even if mine won't necessarily ever get to that level.  :coolgleamA:

 

I try not to take the whining. Either it stops or one of us leaves the room. If they don't get their work done, there are no privileges. It takes awhile before that sinks in - so when I've taken everything else away and she throws yet another fit, the door on the bedroom is removed. That's usually the straw the breaks the camel's back for my likes-her-privacy daughter. It will probably be different for every kid. I forsee having to take away dd#2's drawing tools at some point if she ramps up her complaining about school work.

 

DD#1 never liked school. Just in the last school year, she's started to be self-motivated. It varies from day to day and week to week, mind you, just like my motivation varies. I kept a minimum level of expectations (behavior & academic) and pushed the character issue. I don't think anything I did made her change. She's just started to mature. I'm sure we'll have plenty of bumpy days/years ahead of us.

 

Wish I had a magical cure.

[There'sNoPlaceLikeHome]

It is amazing how much of a whiner I can be at times, too- especially if I have a child that is complaining, arguing, or not being diligent in his work.  I am so thankful my family is gracious in the way that they respond to my complaining!  

 

In our house complainers recite a verse of Scripture:  "Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God."  Then, they will name three things they are thankful for loud enough for all those who heard them complaining to hear them thanking the Lord.  I am just not always diligent enough to remember to do this before I complain about the complaining!!!

 

As to the motivation issue...we are also praying for one of our sons to begin to care about his work.  For us, we ultimately want him to be motivated to do what he does for the glory of God, not for selfish gain and not out of fear of pain.  But, as of yet, he does not have that.  So, we simply tell him what is expected and keep putting his nose to the grind stone until it is finished.  I believe it is the Lord's work to change the heart.

[Pen]

So here we are...end of 6th grade.  Child still hates school.  We have changed things.  We have relaxed in some areas.  Or pushed in some.  Nothing has changed.  He could care less about anything relating to academics.  However, he's figuring out even blue collar jobs want English and Math skills.  

 

I really have no clue what to do for 7th grade.  I am so tired of the whining.  Who knew a screaming toddler was preferential over a whiny 12 year old???

 

This kid is not motivated by anything.  Not food, not things....

 

What in the heck do I do with him?  I really hate the whining.....so continuing to offer up an education is just torture to me.  School is not an option and based on past Sunday School experiences....he's not one to do more b/c there is a group.  

 

We tried the learn what you want thing last summer.  He did nothing.  He had ideas.  He implemented none of them. 

 

What did he actually spend his time doing? What does "nothing" consist of? Lying in bed sleeping? Staring at a wall without moving?

 

So those who have been down this path(and I know there are many of you!), what did you end up doing with your unmotivated students?  Do I just keep putting it in front of him, making him do it all, and listen to the whining?  If the whining had stopped today we could have 2 hours of our lives back....instead we are still sitting here waiting on him to stop whining and actually start something. :-(

 

 

You at least need a way not to have the whining disrupt you and others.   

 

That would seem to be separate from whatever is going on with your son, which, if he truly is doing nothing, could be a medical issue, low something or other, depression, maybe...