Feedback needed for a reluctant writer

[Jean in Newcastle]

I know this technically belongs in the Writer's workshop but I feel a bit embarrassed putting it there and wanted to put it with people who might understand more of what dd12's going through.  Dd12 is going to be reading Julie of the Wolves (which is at her reading level).  The lit. guide we are using asked her to describe a situation where she solved a difficult problem by sticking with it or when solving a problem meant starting over.   She pointed out that she has never really faced a difficult problem personally that required much perseverance.  I told her that was fair but reminded her of some family difficulties that she's shared in and said that she could write about one of those even though it was not all faced by her personally.  I told her that I wanted about three paragraphs or a page for the description.

 

She scribbled out:  "In gymnastics I had to practice moves again and again."

 

I told her that was unacceptable.  I went over again the requirements of the assignment.  So this time she decided to change topics and wrote:

 

"Our dog was hit by a car.  We persevered by taking care of her.  We fed her and gave her water and took her outside.  for a couple of weeks we took care of her until she could walk."

 

Again, I told her this was unacceptable.  I went over again the requirements of the assignment.  I encouraged her to write a story with a beginning, middle and an end.

 

She wrote:  (All one long paragraph with no indenting.  I am leaving spelling and punctuation and grammar exactly as she wrote it).  

 

"Our dog got hit by a car 3 years ago.  When she got hit we took her to a animal hospital, where they watched her and gave her the care she needed.  after 2 weeks , we get to bring her home.  We set up a bed in the living room so my mom could watch her.  She couldn't walk so we had to carry her outside.  after awhile she figured out how to hop with only 3 paws.  Soon she could hop easily and go down stairs with our help.  She got a crate and could run around.  Sometimes her front paw buckels and she lands on her head.  after awhile she was moved to my room and she slept there.  Now she can run and play!"

 

So. . . now what?  It is not 3 paragraphs.  I think she could do a lot better.  I'm trying not to compare her to her brother, but he would have written something like the above in 2nd or 3rd grade, not in 6th.  I don't want to discourage her but at the same time I'm afraid of doing her a disservice by not requiring enough.  Sometimes I think she just doesn't want to do more but other times I wonder how much to push. . .   So how do I approach this?  

 

 

 

 

[FairProspects]

I do not have a 12 year old yet, so take this info fwiw. It sounds to me like she might need a more explicit breakdown of how to write a paragraph or multiple paragraphs. Has she used anything like a graphic organizer or Inspiration/Kidspiration to help her organize her thoughts as to what should go in each paragraph? It is pretty common for kids with some language difficulties to need explicit instruction in topic sentences, supporting details, separating out topics into different paragraphs, clincher sentences, etc. Has she done any paragraph construction work? I'm thinking that this particular assignment may have been too open ended for her at this point.

[OneStepAtATime]

I agree with Fair Prospects, it sounds like she needs some very explicit systematic instruction, with modeling, and a lot of initial help organizing and structuring and putting it all together.  Honestly, although writing has always come pretty easily to me, my kids struggle mightily.  In fact, I have a thread going right now regarding writing here on the LC board.  I am looking at using IEW this next year to give the kids some sort of framework for writing and me some sort of framework for teaching it.  I don't think through the process.  I don't need to.  The words and the structure just come.  But this is not the case for my kids and I have a hard time really explaining what I do when I write.

 

No, you don't want to short change her by lowering expectations, but without proper scaffolding and explicit, systematic instruction  she may not truly understand what you are asking of her.  I think I would encourage her last effort, praise the parts that were a lot more robust than her previous tries, then maybe model something of your own to give her a good example of taking a basic idea and expanding upon it based on the criteria you originally gave her.

 

HTH...Best wishes.

[LMV]

Has she accomplished something like this before?  If she hasn't then perhaps she needs help actually putting something together.  I realize that a single scribbled sentence is below what she is capable of but I wonder if she responded that way more because she was overwhelmed and really had no idea how to deliver what you were asking for than because she was trying to take the easy way out.  Perhaps you can start by breaking the assignments from the guide down into smaller mini assignments and have her complete the pieces and then put the pieces together and edit it for a complete assignment.  You may need to guide and support a lot in the beginning but you should be able to step back more in time. 

 

Good luck!

[PeterPan]

Is your dd also getting evals this summer, or is it just your ds?  You're fine to ask here btw.  You always should post where you feel most comfortable.  :)

 

Anyways, just to take a totally different approach, my first thought when I read your post was that the assignment required her to consider the perspective of someone else and that's inherently challenging with spectrum.  I don't remember exactly what you think is going on, but that kind of perspective taking (and even introspective perspective on your own life) is really challenged in a number of labels.  Just given everything you've been through and what might be going on that isn't yet defined, maybe redefine the task to something more concrete that she DOES know, HAS experienced, that doesn't have the psychological drama or require added leaps, and just be done with it?  

 

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Elizabeth, the testing is going to be on ds16.  Eventually, I want to have dd tested but money issues make that more in the future.

 

Dd has done the paragraph writing exercises in Rod and Staff - major tears and tantrums.

She's been doing WWE with some success.  

[geodob]

Perhaps she could use this very task, to describe?

Where having to describe a situation where she solved a difficult problem .... .

This very task presents her with a difficult problem?

So that she could describe how she worked out what to write about.

Perhaps describing the brainstorming process?

Then how this was used to form a plan for what to write about.

Followed by a summary, of how this process is used to resolved difficult problems.

 

Where 'starting over' is reframed as brainstorming. Where exploring different ways to resolve a difficult problem, is critical. As opposed to going with the first thing that comes to mind.

So given that this task presents her with a difficult problem?

It could be used to explore how to solve a difficult problem, which she describes. 

 

 

 

 

[MomatHWTK]

I think if she is not a natural writer and hasn't had much practice (or has balked at practice) then what she wrote is probably what I would expect.  IMO, for a non-natural writer it is difficult to create multiple paragraphs.  I would work on teaching her to outline a story and then fill it out.  Rather than focus on natural creativity, teach her to analyze the writing to see if it meets the criteria set forth. 

 

I would be very specific.  Ok student, you've mentioned X,Y, & Z.  But the assignment wants 3 paragraphs.  So, lets take X, Y and Z and make them into one paragraph each by adding details...

 

I would not expect this to happen in a day, but over several days where you go through the process of creating main ideas and paragraph headings followed by techniques for stretching out the thoughts.  (Ideas other than changing the font size. ;)  )

[PeterPan]

Elizabeth, the testing is going to be on ds16.  Eventually, I want to have dd tested but money issues make that more in the future.

 

Dd has done the paragraph writing exercises in Rod and Staff - major tears and tantrums.

She's been doing WWE with some success.  

I know it's hard.  If I had given those assignments to my dd at that age, she would have done something very similar.  The metronome work we did following Heathermomster's protocol seemed to couple with a spurt (either because of the metronome work or because it was age?) and she finally got to where she could do stuff.  It's much easier though if it's in their head, something where they know what they're trying to say.  WWS has worked out really well for us in that sense, because SWB puts all the content they write from right there in front of them.  There's no making it up or perspective taking.  Eventually they learn to apply the skills to their own content, but for a long time they use SWB's.  

 

Another reason WWS has turned out to work really well for us is because it's HIGHLY structured.  Sometimes her structure is a little too linear in thought process, so I usually go through and mark to use Inspiration for the task rather than linear outlining, etc.  In general I've just been amazed at how carefully she breaks down the requirements.  

 

With your dd's age, is she a 6th or 7th grader?  What you might consider doing, since it seems like you're getting tears with a lot of the writing is to find something she can do enjoyably, even if it's not traditional or school.  If she is writing something on paper and getting words onto paper, that's good enough for this stage.  It doesn't have to have structure or be paragraphs or anything else, seriously.  Just the very act of having words of her own that she gets onto paper is awesome.  If it's acrostic poetry, fine.  If it's recipes to compile a family cookbook, fine.  Around that age we did the writing prompts from the Jump In tm.  They were AWESOME, and there were enough to do one basically every day for a year.  They're organized by month and actually fit things kids might have on their mind.  I photocopied the page and put it in a page protector in her notebook, so all she had to do was look at the page and pick one to write about.  No specified amount, goal, or criticism, just time to practice being comfortable getting thoughts on paper.  

 

You could do stuff like that until 8th grade or even later.  My dd was not ready, WAS NOT READY for WWS until 8th.  Based on what people have said on the boards here and backchannel, I think there are kids who aren't even going to be ready until much later, say 10th or 11th.  And it's FINE.  We did what she COULD do, which is focusing on being comfortable getting your thoughts on paper, comfortable typing, etc.  With a lot more maturity and EF under her belt, she's starting to understand structure and structured writing.  It's coming now, but it would NOT have been there at age 12.  It's ok NOT to do those formal assignments.  It's ok NOT to provoke tears.  It's ok to back off, just focus on comfort getting thoughts into words and word onto paper in ANY genre that works for them, knowing later you'll come back and work on structure.

 

How much farther out of the box could you go?  Does she like comics?  I never did this, but it would have been fun.  Take a two page spread of Calvin & Hobbes and copy it.   White out the words, then blow it up big.  Have her write her own words for the comic!  Or Peanuts or Family Circus or whatever.  Do comic writing like that, and just make it a little more fun with themes/challenges.  (use a compound subject in one of the sentences, use a when-clause in one of the sentences, use if/then in one of the sentences, use a hyphen in one of the sentences, use 3 adjectives, use 2 adverbs in a sentence, use prepositional phrases, include a fact from a source, include a direct quote, include an indirect quote, etc. etc.)

 

Seriously, that type of writing can be extremely powerful!  You don't need length and it doesn't have to be formal/academic.  Any dc who can do that is really getting grammar and is being challenged to own it.  To do that obviously you'd need to slow down, make a sentence of your own, and practice modeling.  You might do the imitation of the pattern one day and have her include it in her writing the next.  She might enjoy Writing Tales 2 for that matter.  It incorporates lots of grammar, teaches basic outlining, is fun...  We had done it an earlier year, and I think 7th is the year we went back and re-approached the WT2 models, studying various versions of the same story and examining what made the styles unique, what made the work.

 

Anyways, I'm sorry you're having a hard time.  I had people writing me backchannel saying it would come later, to do things that DID bring joy, to focus on comfort getting thoughts on paper, and that it would work out with time, and it has for us.  If that voice at all helps you, well here it is.  :)

[kbutton]

I think you've received some very good advice. Let me also say that if I had to write something about a challenging time in my life, I would be tempted to write something just like your daughter did but with better caps and punctuation. I hate those kinds of questions and that kind of writing, and it showed in my writing when I was in school. I eventually became a tech writer (a good one). I don't mind discussing subjective or personal things with friends, but writing about them is irritating. I think those sorts of questions could be personally intrusive in an academic environment (home is different). To write well, I need to be relatively enthused about the topic or have a valid purpose for writing (sharing personal thoughts with strangers or the universe doesn't land on that list for me, lol!). Could I get better at that? I'm sure I could, but I've never seen a situation in which I would have learned something new or helpful for having to do so. I am sure that's heresy in some writing circles. If someone wanted me to answer a question like that for a grade, they had better be able to tell me why I ought to, or I'll do the bare minimum. If they want to know how well I think about literature, then they should ask me a question about literature, not about myself, and then make it clear what literary analysis looks like with lots of good examples.

 

I encourage you to keep working toward finding some writing assignments that may be more enjoyable to her. If she wasn't bothered by the style of this one, just lacking the necessary skills, don't mind me. :-)

[Jean in Newcastle]

Great feedback everyone.  You've given me a lot to think about.  I'm going to bookmark this and come back to it and look at every suggestion more carefully a bit later.  

 

 

[Pen]

For my ds the BW system of eliciting more information rather than going to technical forms of topic sentences etc. has tended to work better. And not so much "this is unacceptable" but rather to say, "this is a good start!"

and "I'd like to know more about ________"  I'd also, personally, let the assignment be a starting point, but accept a piece that may turn out to be less about persevering and more about feelings about a dog, or whatever else is central to her own experience.

 

 

For your daughter, I'll put comments in below, in brackets, feel free to share them with her if you think it might help:

 

"Our dog got hit by a car 3 years ago. [i love dogs, so this first sentence tells me this is a story that may be of particular interest to me. It has an immediate sense of drama, and suspense of waiting to find out more! If your mom shows you my comments, feel free to answer any of my questions or not according to what seems important to you about the event you are writing about.  I'm wondering how it happened! Did she get loose somehow? Or maybe she was chasing a ball? Did the driver see her? Did you see it happen? If so that must have been scary. I'd also love to know some more about your dog--how long you had her, and what your relationship with her is like, what sort of dog she is...  I don't have a picture of big or small, old or young, black or spotty, shaggy or sleek, etc., so some help to picture her more clearly would be greatly appreciated! Knowing what sorts of things you did with her before she got hit by the car would be something that as a reader I think would be meaningful to me too.]  When she got hit we took her to a animal hospital, where they watched her and gave her the care she needed. [What was wrong with her? Do you know what care she needed? The more you can take me as a reader back to the time of this event and describe what happened as you experienced it, the more powerful you can make this piece of writing!]  after 2 weeks [Wow! that's a long time to be in a vet hospital, she must have been very badly injured! Did you get to visit her while she was there?] , we get to bring her home.   We set up a bed in the living room so my mom could watch her.  She couldn't walk so we had to carry her outside. [We have a dog right now who needs help going up steps and it is very hard to deal with since there are step to go down to go outside...I am wondering if your dog was very small so it was easy, or if not, how you managed this. And I wonder, what did you personally do with or for her or to help your mom to take care of her during this time when she was at home, but not yet very mobile?]  after awhile she figured out how to hop with only 3 paws. [Does that mean she lost a foot?]  Soon she could hop easily and go down stairs with our help.  She got a crate and could run around.  Sometimes her front paw buckels and she lands on her head. [i love this detail! It is very vivid, and lets me as a reader picture what is happening!]  after awhile she was moved to my room and she slept there. [That sounds like it is nice for you both!]  Now she can run and play! [i'm very glad to hear that! I am wondering: How old is your dog? And what does she like to play? Does she still fall on her head sometimes? Can she do the same things as before, or did you need to learn new ways to play with her?]"

 

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Perfect, Pen!  I can see how you got your Pen name!   :laugh:

[kbutton]

In thinking about this more, here are some suggestions for narrative stuff that require a beginning, middle, end, so as not to leave you hanging if the personal nature of the question was a problem and you want to tackle that kind of writing:

 

• Lab report
• Recipe (written as a description, not as measurements and steps)
• Any process information, such as describing a life cycle, the water cycle, etc.
• Describing any event that isn't inherently personal--she could describe a festival, how a particular culture celebrates a holiday, etc.
• How to take care of a pet, complete a chore, etc.--it might start out as a step by step and then move to elaboration. Or, you could do both a step by step and a narrative to compare and contrast which one might be better in a particular situation--a person who is skilled with cleaning might want a checklist, but someone who is learning might need a narrative that explains how to get the grime off the corner of the sink.

I'm getting some good ideas for my own not yet skilled writer while typing this out. HTH

 

[Pen]

Perfect, Pen!  I can see how you got your Pen name!   :laugh:

 

 

If that sort of approach fits her learning style, then after there is plenty of material generated--and it may take several times through of expanding and increasing what is available to work with, the next step would be to look at what has been generated and figure out some order for it (perhaps also at that point cutting extra material, changing some words to be stronger etc....or not, depending on what she can do at this point), and to separate it into paragraphs if that fits what has been written. Finally, you would go over the grammar and spelling, helping her fix anything she has still not figured out on her own. (Sometimes as he goes over his work my ds will say, this doesn't look right or this doesn't sound right, and so some of the errors may get fixed during the work process. If I type something out for ds, I will fix spelling so that he does not keep looking at wrong words, however.)

 

At least part of the goal is to have the process be pleasant enough that writing becomes less reluctant--with less emphasis on the individual assignment's final result.  If they end up liking writing enough to do it, it will become easier to get it better over time. While if it is a grueling traumatic thing to do from their pov, less will get done, making improvement far more difficult.

 

 

 

It is not hugely different than taking what was written and saying we need to make this a topic sentence and put more detail under it in some ways, but the feeling and process is different, and at least for my ds is better.

 

Even to say 'this is unacceptable' and 'great start' -- both really mean that more is needed, but the latter is more likely to get there with a happier feeling about it.

 

Even if all there were was the one sentence about gymnastics, I would start with "good start! you've got a topic to write about and some first words on paper" and then go into the process of asking questions to elicit more detail.

[clemota]

I think there's already some wonderful advice on this, so I hesitate to add my thoughts.

 

Does your DD type or physically write out her info?  Is it possible that there is a form of dysgraphia going on that is preventing her from wanting to go into more detail and depth with her writing?  I only ask because what she wrote is almost exactly what I would expect to see my my 11 year old DD, who was just diagnosed with stealth dyslexia and dysgraphia.  Writing by hand is hard, slow and it physically hurts DD (yes, we will be seeking OT after she has a COVD  assessment/ potential vision therapy).   Typing, however, eases up some of the stress (the slow and hurting parts) and allows her to get a bit more out.

 

I'm not saying that it's a huge difference - she still has a LOT of negative emotions tied in with writing - but it is better.  We are also using WWS at 1/2 speed this semester, and I am noticing how much better her writing is than when she had more open-style assignments. 

 

If you scribed for her, or asked her to speak her answer into a recording device do you think it would be different?    Maybe it would be worth a try to see what she can get out, if unhampered by the physical act of writing.  Editing for spelling and form can always be done later, together.

 

Just a thought - please ignore if you don't think this fits your DD's issues!

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Clemota, she did write it by hand.  Now she is typing it.  I hadn't told her to do it any specific way and both ways are her choice.  I'll have to think further on this and observe if it is different when she types vs. does it by hand.  She's been working on answering Pen's questions and her writing is much more detailed.  

[Jean in Newcastle]

Her new attempt after reading Pen's questions (which I had printed out):

 

             Our dog got hit by a car 3 years ago. It was Sept. 7^th 2011 around 6:30 p.m., when we went

 

to a local dog park we had discovered recently. We had been trying to get our 2 Springers ready to

 

go (we had been there for an hour), and our older dog (Rocky) saw a bird and went off to try to go

 

catch it. We were trying to catch him and at the same time leash Rocky’s sister, Libby, who was

 

following him. We tried calling both of them, but Libby was the only one who turned and stopped for

 

a second. The dog park was fenced in but not very well, and there was a place where there should

 

have been a gate, but there wasn't. Libby made it safely to the other side of the busy road, and she

 

was sitting on the other side of the road, waiting for us. When I finally got to the sidewalk she tried to

 

cross.

 

           When she got hit I ran over there, and the car that was behind the car that hit her, pulled up

 

behind Libby and one of the guys started directing traffic, while the other one called our small

 

animal hospital in our little city. When we got there they took her in on a piece of plywood (from a

 

guy from a house right next to the road she got hit at) and took her in to treat her the best they

 

could for shock, and take x rays to make sure she didn't have any fractures. After they told us the

 

extent of the injuries, and told us an animal E.R. we could go to, we got dinner at a Mexican

 

restaurant right next to the animal hospital, while they took care of Libby's cuts and minor injuries.

 

After we ate, my brother took Rocky home and went to his sports practice, while we took Libby to

 

the animal E.R.. I sat in the back of the car, to make sure she didn't move. Once we got there, they

 

took her in and took care of her. After that we waited about 2 and a half hours before we went

 

home.

 

           After 2 weeks she was cleared to go home. While the nurse went to get the discharge

 

papers, Libby figured out how to turn around!! At the time we brought her home, she couldn't walk.

 

She still had her 4 paws, but she couldn't walk or put weight on her front right paw.

 

          That night, we brought her home, where we had set up her bed in the living room, and where

 

my mom could monitor her. We left the room to get some stuff out of the other room for her and

 

when we came back she was in the middle of the room! My mom told us that Libby had to be able to

 

go outside, eat and drink, and turn herself over, in the course of 2 weeks or she would be put down.

 

Everyday she got better, and at the end of the 2 weeks she was able to eat, drink, go outside, and

 

turn herself over! After a couple months she could go up and down stairs.

 

        Today, Libby can walk, and run on 3 legs. She can kick with her bad leg but she can't put

 

weight on it or feel it. She now  lives happily in my room where she sleeps (and snores) under my

 

bed. She can walk and run very well but she can't go on walks, because she gets tired very easily.

 

 

 

(She included some photos which I'll try to post later.)

 

I know we need to work on commas - she puts them in sometimes where they aren't needed and leaves them out where they are needed.  And her voice is still very casual.  But I think it was a miracle what your questions did to bring out her writing, Pen!  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Pen]

Hi Jean,

 

I don't think the commas are such a big deal at this stage--you can just help her with a final mop-up  to copy edit the piece. The bigger thing to me is getting past the reluctance to write stage, and I hope this helped.  I personally like the relatively informal tone, including the things set off in commas: while it is very informal, it is also where a lot of her "voice" is coming through, as well as some humor as in the snoring under the bed bit.

 

Do you think she is All Done with it at this point? And just ready for hurrahs and kudos for her good work and to do the last mop-up of commas etc. with your help, and then set it nicely into covers to be admired? Or would she like one last go through where I ask her some more questions, or make a few suggestions that jumped out at me?

 

In any case, congratulations to both of you!!!!!

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think she's done.  She did a good job actually writing instead of crying!  She was resistant to doing any kind of editing but did do the limited amount that we did together.  I think to do any more on this particular piece will make it terrible for her again.  Just my gut feeling as her mama.

[Pen]

Okay, will you tell her that I've said "Congratulations!!! and great job!!! and that I hope you'll post other writing she does in the future!!!"

[Cosmos]

I sat in the back of the car, to make sure she didn't move. 

 

Aww. :001_wub: I love this story! Her love for Libby really shines through. Please tell your dd that I really enjoyed reading it.

 

[Pen]

I thought to come back and comment on some of the strengths, because I think that is important to do for young writers (or old ones for that matter). Please also tell your daughter that I found the idea of the fencing on the dog park not being secure very eye-opening--I am going to drive the edges where there is a road near the park we sometimes take our dog to and make sure there are not breaks or open gates!!! I knew to watch for aggressive dogs as a problem, but did not think of the fencing.  For me, these are probably now the strongest parts:

 

 

"The dog park was fenced in but not very well, and there was a place where there should

 

have been a gate, but there wasn't. Libby made it safely to the other side of the busy road, and she

 

was sitting on the other side of the road, waiting for us. When I finally got to the sidewalk she tried to

 

cross."

 

 

Not only because of the fence issue, but also because it gave me a heart in throat feeling as the dog is on the opposite side of the street and then I could picture her coming back across again instead of waiting safely.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Yes, Pen.  I was running as fast as I could behind my daughter (which means not very fast) and I could hear the thump and then my daughter's screams.  I would have made the telling a lot more emotional and more focused on my feelings throughout but while dd had and has very strong emotions about the whole thing, she tends to keep it more private.  Do you (as in any of you) think it is appropriate to ever ask her to show more of how she feels about a subject?  So far questions that ask more open-ended or personal questions tend to be deflected by her.  

[Pen]

Yes, Pen.  I was running as fast as I could behind my daughter (which means not very fast) and I could hear the thump and then my daughter's screams.  I would have made the telling a lot more emotional and more focused on my feelings throughout but while dd had and has very strong emotions about the whole thing, she tends to keep it more private.  Do you (as in any of you) think it is appropriate to ever ask her to show more of how she feels about a subject?  So far questions that ask more open-ended or personal questions tend to be deflected by her.  

 

Yes. If I'd gone on for another round of comments and questions, I think would have shared a bit of some one of my own horrifying moments with dogs and asked if she would be able to write a bit about what it was like for her... and try to get some more feeling, seeing, hearing into the story there.   But I would also accept it if she did not want to do that or preferred not to.  

 

The climax moment in the story, though it happens in an unwritten lacuna and has to be left to the reader's imagination, actually can be imagined (though maybe not the same way it happened). So it could be an author choice to do it that way.  In the first version, I could not really figure out at all what to imagine had happened, but in this one there is enough detail that as reader I can fill in some dog park and some road and cars and get a mental movie reasonably well. For someone in a place or time without dog parks it might be harder to picture. I think it would be even stronger with more there, the sort of thing you just wrote about the thump and screaming... but that might be too much for her to do at this point.  Possibly even something like, "my mom told me later that she heard a thump, and then me screaming.  What I remember is ______" and then just one salient detail.   However, if she chooses to work with a style that uses understatement deliberately, that can be a valid choice too.  We see that in movies sometimes where they choose to not film the gory moment of a death, but give the before and afterward.

 

***Another interesting thing is that she got enough of what Libby is like in for me to have some feeling for Libby--the dog who did not start the chase, the one who listened for a moment and stopped, and also the one who (alas) on seeing her girl on the other side of a street tried to cross back. It did not take a whole paragraph about Libby, but just got in there in those little details that went right along with the telling of what happened and did not stop the action or distract in anyway, so the reader gets a feeling for Libby and can care what happens to her, and that along with knowing the breed gives a reasonable picture of the sort of dog both in terms of her character and personality and also appearance. That is actually another extremely strong, well done thing that would be worth pointing out about things that worked extremely well in the story!!!***  That is to say, she not only described Libby well, but did it in a very integrated way.

 

I also thought the date was interesting. I don't know if you looked it up, or if she knows it because it is etched in her mind because of what happened that day.

[Jean in Newcastle]

She looked it up by searching the WTM boards for a thread that RoughCollie put up that day asking people to pray for Libby.  I had called RC crying from the animal hospital, and RC had posted after spending time getting me to calm down.  Dd remembered that thread and went searching for it and that is how she got the date.  

[IsabelC]

Wow, what a wonderful improvement! Such an engaging narrative. Hoping you might post her next pieces of writing too. I clicked like for the revised effort, but I really wanted to click  :hurray:  :hurray:  :hurray:  :party:  :hurray:  :hurray:  :hurray:

 

Thank you to Pen and the other people who posted helpful things, because I will be trying a lot of the ideas on my own reluctant writer.