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WDYT of this message from a 16yo?


I.Dup.
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It sounds normal from someone who is very hurt and angry about something.


Especially from a teenager who certainly doesn't know the whole truth of her family situation. Plus, you never know what other people tangentially related to the situation might be telling her. It sounds like regular ole teen high drama to me.
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what would you recommend for my friend in this situation? The girl is constantly cussing her out, calling her names, demanding money, demanding the dad come visit her and give up time with my friend, etc. They had to kick her out because she would get violent and so nasty with my friend's young son and my friend (her stepmom). I get that she's hurt. My friend is very torn and has no idea how to handle this. It is definitely impacting their marriage.

 

She doesn't only act this way with my friend, she also is unable to live with her mom as well.

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I don't know if it's normal, but she sounds like a very angry, hurt kid. Apparently her father offered a sincere apology for something, and the stepmom did not. Something like that can also cause tension between the parents. She claims the stepmom is not telling the truth, so who knows. If what she says has any truth at all, the stepmom herself doesn't sound too classy.

 

She is trying to set limits and not let her think she can get away with cussing at her and her son and acting violent and nasty. Obviously it's going over like a lead brick. My friend is not getting support from her husband (who tends to spoil the girls)

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But we don't know what has been done to her.  Maybe she is justified in her hurt and anger.  Just because she is a kid doesn't mean her feelings don't matter and that she should be expected to be in control of her feelings.  It might not be the most mature way to deal with hurt and anger, but plenty of people react that way.

 

So you think because she's hurt she can be expected to cuss, lash out, yell, scream, break things, etc? There is no way to stop it or set limits?

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Reminds me of some grown adults I knew once upon a time. I personally wouldn't communicate back when a child is speaking so hatefully. If communication as such has been tolerated in the past it may take a while to get her to stop. However, she sounds like she is screaming for attention and trying desperately to hurt the stepmom to make herself feel better.

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She is trying to set limits and not let her think she can get away with cussing at her and her son and acting violent and nasty. Obviously it's going over like a lead brick. My friend is not getting support from her husband (who tends to spoil the girls)

 

That is the problem. There is absolutely nothing she can do if the girl's father does not back her up. HE is the one who needs to step in and set boundaries.

In this situation, I would suggest they seek professional help, i.e. family counseling.
 

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So you think because she's hurt she can be expected to cuss, lash out, yell, scream, break things, etc? There is no way to stop it or set limits?

 

Okay to do those things? No. Expect it to happen to a teen who feels they are being wronged constantly? yes. Well, except breaking things, but I can see it happening. Is there a way to stop it or set limits? Not for a step mother to a teenager. The parent would have to be the one to do that.

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She has also attacked her mom, pulled a knife on her stepdad, and been in a mental facility 3 times. She lied one of those times about swallowing a bottle of Advil (that wasn't even in the house all the time). Now she wants money to go to Costa Rica. Her dad is actually considering it, instead of making her go to summer school (she is failing school).

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She is trying to set limits and not let her think she can get away with cussing at her and her son and acting violent and nasty. Obviously it's going over like a lead brick. My friend is not getting support from her husband (who tends to spoil the girls)

 

Honestly, the girl needs psychological help, and your friend may need a new husband if this guy is allowing his teenaged dd to treat her and her ds so horribly.

 

I'm sorry, but I place the majority of the blame for this on the husband for tolerating any of this from his dd. 

 

It would be a complete dealbreaker for me.

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A friend of mine counsels blended and divorced families. His #1 rule is that CPR -- courtesy, politeness and respect -- is a must. If the stepdaughter is upset about something, she needs to learn how to discuss those matters in a healthier, more productive manner. Dad and bio Mom need to set boundaries and ensure their daughter is doing this.

 

The stepmother could also be the scapegoat. She is not a parent so it's easier to lash out and blame her instead of the biological parents. It depends upon what is really happening, though.

 

Do the biological mother and biological father talk regularly and get along? They need to be on the same page to help their daughter.

 

Counseling is a must for the whole family. If the whole family won't do it, then your friend should see someone herself.

 

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She has also attacked her mom, pulled a knife on her stepdad, and been in a mental facility 3 times. She lied one of those times about swallowing a bottle of Advil (that wasn't even in the house all the time). Now she wants money to go to Costa Rica. Her dad is actually considering it, instead of making her go to summer school (she is failing school).

 

 

Could it be a one-way ticket to Costa Rica?

 

Sorry, just thinking out loud...  ;)

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Do the biological mother and biological father talk regularly and get along? They need to be on the same page to help their daughter.

 

 

Yes, but the bio mom's main concern is getting more money and she also tends to spoil the daughter. The bio dad (my friend's husband) regularly goes up to visit and sleeps in the bio mom's house, which my friend is uncomfortable with.

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She has also attacked her mom, pulled a knife on her stepdad, and been in a mental facility 3 times. She lied one of those times about swallowing a bottle of Advil (that wasn't even in the house all the time). Now she wants money to go to Costa Rica. Her dad is actually considering it, instead of making her go to summer school (she is failing school).

 

 

After reading that, I'm shocked that your friend would have even allowed the girl into her home. I would never allow a violent, mentally ill teenager to spend time in my home with my ds.

 

Additionally, if she has violently attacked others in the past, I think your friend should consider reporting that email to the police and asking for their input on the situation. I consider it to be very menacing and there are definitely veiled threats. 

 

I would be afraid of a person like that girl. She sounds unstable, and when you add in the history of violence...   :eek:

 

This isn't typical teenage drama!

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Yes, but the bio mom's main concern is getting more money and she also tends to spoil the daughter. The bio dad (my friend's husband) regularly goes up to visit and sleeps in the bio mom's house, which my friend is uncomfortable with.

 

Why is your friend tolerating any of this???????

 

This is just all kinds of wrong on so many levels.

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Yes, but the bio mom's main concern is getting more money and she also tends to spoil the daughter. The bio dad (my friend's husband) regularly goes up to visit and sleeps in the bio mom's house, which my friend is uncomfortable with.

 

Ugh. Your poor friend. What a mess. She should see someone herself.

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It sounds normal from someone who is very hurt and angry about something.


This. And hasn't learned how to deal with emotions like a mature adult. I think dad needs to work on this relationship very pro-actively and be setting boundaries. Therapy/counseling sounds like a good start.
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This. And hasn't learned how to deal with emotions like a mature adult. I think dad needs to work on this relationship very pro-actively and be setting boundaries. Therapy/counseling sounds like a good start.

 

 

I don't think the violence is normal at all.  (Did you get to that part of the thread yet? In the beginning, the dd sounded troubled, but as the story progressed, she started to sound just plain dangerous.)

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She is in court-ordered counseling 2 times a week, a teen outreach program (?) 4 nights a week, family counseling with her mom weekly and the other week with her dad over the phone. She is also on meds.


Wow. I agree her mental health professionals should know about this kind of lashing out. Personally I think pulling a knife and breaking things in such a way that someone can get hurt is seriously crossing lines. I'm so sorry - this sounds awful. :(
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The problem is the father/husband. I can't imagine my Dad kicking me out and keeping his new wife and her son in the house. That's a lot of pain no matter who you are. She should report the email to the girls therapist. Then she should ask her husband to leave. She needs out of that family. None of them are healthy.

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Honestly, the girl needs psychological help, and your friend may need a new husband if this guy is allowing his teenaged dd to treat her and her ds so horribly.

 

I'm sorry, but I place the majority of the blame for this on the husband for tolerating any of this from his dd. 

 

It would be a complete dealbreaker for me.

 

:iagree:  This is pretty much what I was going to say but Catwoman beat me too it.

 

I understand husband wanting to smooth the water for his daughter. But, I would be awfully upset if my husband dismissed my concerns and the safety of the younger child in the house.
 

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She is in court-ordered counseling 2 times a week, a teen outreach program (?) 4 nights a week, family counseling with her mom weekly and the other week with her dad over the phone. She is also on meds.

 

This, the violence, and the statement that she also cannot get along with her mother make me think that this is a damaged child who is dealing with some level of mental illness and/or substance abuse. (I don't say that in judgement, and I am with Wendy when it comes to the importance of acknowledging the feelings she's having even if she's not expressing them even remotely appropriately.)

 

If this is what they're dealing with, then the stepmom cannot deal with this as she would with a typical angry teen. She MUST put the ball in the dad's court when it comes to dealing with the girl, and set a boundary of her own about whether or not the young woman is allowed to spend any time at all with stepmom and other child(ren?).

 

I am a stepmom. I also have a bio daughter dealing with autism, anxiety/depression, and possibly a couple other diagnoses as well. Her teen years were VERY difficult for all of us, and her poor (and very dear to me) stepmom took the brunt of her anger and acting out for a time. My dd tried triangulating us by feeding information and misinformation to one person or another. The only effective strategy we found was closing the information loop and getting all parents, bio and step, on the same page about what was acceptable behavior and what wasn't. It took a ton of communication, and we had to get our act together quickly when it came to being in touch about boundaries and behaviors. We took an "All for one, and one for all," approach and if she was abusive toward her stepmom (or anyone else) we all dealt with it. We're very fortunate that we all didn't lose dd altogether, as she was FURIOUS that we were all talking.

 

Building and maintaining that relationship between all of the parents was a huge challenge, particularly as we were dealing with a high-stress situation. But the payoff is that now that she's more stable, she knows we are absolutely and 100% on her side, all of us and that we're all working together and communicating to help support her in her adult life.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: for your friend.

 

Cat

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Your friend needs her own therapist, and if after that she decides to stay with her husband, couples' counseling. She should change her cell number and not engage or respond if this girl gets the new one. You can never win an argument against Crazy.

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This, the violence, and the statement that she also cannot get along with her mother make me think that this is a damaged child who is dealing with some level of mental illness and/or substance abuse. (I don't say that in judgement, and I am with Wendy when it comes to the importance of acknowledging the feelings she's having even if she's not expressing them even remotely appropriately.)

 

If this is what they're dealing with, then the stepmom cannot deal with this as she would with a typical angry teen. She MUST put the ball in the dad's court when it comes to dealing with the girl, and set a boundary of her own about whether or not the young woman is allowed to spend any time at all with stepmom and other child(ren?).

 

I am a stepmom. I also have a bio daughter dealing with autism, anxiety/depression, and possibly a couple other diagnoses as well. Her teen years were VERY difficult for all of us, and her poor (and very dear to me) stepmom took the brunt of her anger and acting out for a time. My dd tried triangulating us by feeding information and misinformation to one person or another. The only effective strategy we found was closing the information loop and getting all parents, bio and step, on the same page about what was acceptable behavior and what wasn't. It took a ton of communication, and we had to get our act together quickly when it came to being in touch about boundaries and behaviors. We took an "All for one, and one for all," approach and if she was abusive toward her stepmom (or anyone else) we all dealt with it. We're very fortunate that we all didn't lose dd altogether, as she was FURIOUS that we were all talking.

 

Building and maintaining that relationship between all of the parents was a huge challenge, particularly as we were dealing with a high-stress situation. But the payoff is that now that she's more stable, she knows we are absolutely and 100% on her side, all of us and that we're all working together and communicating to help support her in her adult life.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: for your friend.

 

Cat

 

Exactly. All adults -- especially the bio dad and mom -- need to decide what needs to be corrected and then work on enforcing it to the best of their abilities. Ideally they should check in with each other on a regular basis. That would help this girl immensely. (My hat is off to you, Cat!)

 

Regular one-on-one time alone with her biological dad or mom would be one of the best ways to spoil her. During these times, Dad and Mom should work on correcting her behavior while at the same time *hearing* her -- listening attentively and empathetically. I get the impression that she does not feel *heard.* Anyway, giving her things or not reigning in her behavior doesn't help her to grow up and could be teaching her to manipulate to get things which are a poor substitute for what she genuinely needs.

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Well, what I would do is completely disengage from any relationship with this girl. Go no contact as much as is possible. This girl wants no relationship, give it to her. If the stepmom must spend time with the step daughter, just don't engage. SD hurls abuse, say that's nice dear and walk away. The stepmom should not be trying to parent her in any way. The child has two parents. I think even a rational, well behaved child would find it unreasonable to be "parented" by someone other than her actual Mom and Dad. She should let her husband make his own decisions about his daughter and perhaps stop resenting that he spoils her. I have to wonder if spoiling the daughter is all about money. Yes, the text msg is utterly vile and very scary. She should forward it to her husband, the mother (if they have a functional relationship), perhaps the counselor if possible and also keep a copy. After that no more contact with this girl via text. Stepmom is allowing this chaos to come into her life.

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What a mess! I feel very sorry for your friend that got caught in this situation.

If I were your friend, I would consult a lawyer asap, then I would sit down with my husband and agree on a list of things that need to change for her to stay with him. If he wouldn't agree, or if he wouldn't follow through, I am sorry to say that I would divorce him. No marriage is worth going through hell and jeopardizing my dc's wellbeing.

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A bio mom and a bio dad created a child who has some serious health problems.  They need to be mature and make that girl's situation their first priority--whatever they agree upon.  IMHO, neither parent should have moved on to new family configurations if that made them unavailable to the child they already had.  Both parents owe it to their bio daughter to walk through this enormously difficult time with her.  With professional help for all involved.

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I think anytime a grown woman places herself in a position to feel that a man's own child is "taking time away" from her, that woman has a problem.  If one of my children were struggling (and I have BTDT) I would spend whatever time it took to help him or her and make things right. So if the child needs the time, the parent gives it. 

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Is your friend's child the half-sibling of the stepdaughter?

 

No.

 

 

How long has your fried been married to this man? About 2 years?

How does the girl do living with Mom? She cannot live with her mom. She has attacked her mom and threatened her stepdad with a knife. The stepparents (my friend and then the bio mom's husband) are the only ones trying to set limits. Obviously, this is a disaster.

Does Dad have bio kids with your friend? No.

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So if she can't live with the Dad and she can't live with the Mom, where is she currently living and what is the plan for the next few years? You said there were two daughters. Where is the second and how is that going?

There are kids in 'intact' families who are too mentally or emotionally ill to to live with their families too, and it sounds like this girl has deep problems. I think with issues as big as hers, almost any parent is going to feel a huge amount of fear, guilt, regret, failure, even if the parents were actually really good parents. We just feel that way when a child is this messed up, and the divorce probably doesn't help. But with a kid like this, marriage can be vulnerable. And divorce often involves guilt even when kids handle it well.

I have no idea what your friend should do. I do think they need good legal advice and therapy. I think this dad is probably in absolute emotional hell, and your friend is trying to protect herself and her son, but her husband is probably so deeply traumatized that I wonder if he's going to be able to see this as a problem to solve. His daughter is a mess, and really, at sixteen, I feel great compassion for her. If I were the step mother, I would see her as a threat, but as an outsider, I might see her as a broken, messed up kid. And her father probably still sees the darling four year old who adored him, and he is probably never going to want to stop trying to help that child, money be damned. It would be hard to respect a man who didn't make this girl his priority or who wasn't willing to spend whatever time and money it took to help her.

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I thought she was living with her mom? I couldn't quote post 53 correctly for some reason but you wrote she cannot live with her mom so I am confused.

 

The initial text didn't come off as psycho or scary to me. It seemed like it was written by someone angry, hurt, confused, and maybe even a jealous of the step mom. I get your friend not wanting her in her home if she is scared of her, but her dh apparently needs to spend a lot of time with this dd because she needs help.

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I think the text (and this is just one of many) combined with the history is what is so scary to me. I am really encouraging my friend to do anything she can to protect herself and her son, I think this situation is SO screwed up. I agree that the bio parents have created a monster (those are my words) and they need to deal with it now...but I feel badly for my friend who is trying everything to hang in there and bring some semblance of sanity to the situation.

 

Apparently the girl was mad she wouldn't apologize (in the OP text) for threatening to call the cops on her. She demanded that she apologize for that.

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Costa Rica: my guess is dad is considering it because the girl would be away and a whole summer away would just be a relief to all. Just think 8 weeks not to deal with it. 

 

This kid can't live with mom. She's been threatening violence in dad's home. Mom and dad can't handle her. Is it time for mom and dad to fully admit they can't handle her. Should they go through the CHINS process (child in need of services) give up custody to get a therapeutic residential placement. Most families that need such a placement have to do CHINS because very few people can actually afford the cost. 

 

 

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