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6 year old perfectionistic troubles


Tanikit
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My 6 year old has not seemed to be perfectionistic up til now, but she is driving me crazy lately. Her fine motor skills are not as good as she would like and it is in subjects like art - the pictures she herself chooses to draw or paint where she just loses it - she cries and whines and gives up if it is not perfect. It is really annoying me since usually she handles work that is far more advanced quite fine and then when it comes to rule a line under her work she is in tears. 

 

I am not sure what to do about this - she likes crafts, she likes to paint, but emotionally I cannot handle these melt downs (does not help that my 3 year old and I have been ill recently and up all night) How do you cope with this type of asynchronous behaviour - is this normal for 6 years old - should I force her to finish what she started or just let her give up on any painting she does when colours go out the lines - how should I handle this? It just seems odd to be dealing with this when she reads advanced books and non fiction without a problem and does her Math without complaint even when the problem requires a great deal of thinking but then falls apart when she must rule a line or colour inside in the lines.

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Frustration with art is very age-appropriate, even for children who aren't gifted and asynchronous. After years of thinking everything they made is "the best in the whole world", a child starts to become aware of how their work compares to other people's work and to the image in their head. It's frustrating when you suddenly realize your fine motor skills can't create the things you see in your mind's eye.

 

All my kids have gone through this. I use the approach that's suggested in Drawing with Children. We talk constantly about how "real" artists approach art. They work for years to develop their skills, but still they might only like 1 thing out of 5 that they create. That's fine. They might only keep and display the one. When my kids get frustrated, I remind them that artists throw out 4 out of 5 things that they make. I ask if they would like to find a way to change the thing they're making or whether they would like to start over. The trick is to stay calm and cheerful (no matter how frustrated your child is) in order to model the message that an art mistake is not a big deal. Easier said than done. We have a rule at our house that once you start to cry (or in the case of one child - scream), then art is done. I calmly put it away and tell them they can finish at another time when they are feeling better. For us this stage has lasted from about ages 6-7 and then it disappears.

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Sorry my reply was curt, but I'm not sure you can have it both ways: demanding perfection from a position of authority, but not having the child internalize that in a way that comes out negatively in other arenas.

 

In art, I try to let the child own the process as much as possible. I really like MinivanMom's suggestions.

 

Since you posted here I assume you think there could be a connection with "gifted perfectionism". I had a friend who is a family therapist recommend "Freeing our Families from Perfectionism;" here is an article by the author of that book, as a kind of preview: http://www.davidsongifted.org/db/Articles_id_10796.aspx

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You can show her MoMa's website.  Since it is modern and abstract art there are often no lines to stay inside of.  It is a great way to show her that art can look like anything.  This won't help it look like what she wants it to, but it might provide some help with the idea of how writing might be in a different place than artistic pursuits.

 

My DS is nine, and we are just starting to really show progress in the perfectionism.  He doesn't do meltdowns anymore, but he does "shut off" when he feels like something is too difficult (no immediate answer), or when he seems to think that he has made a mistake which is irrecoverable (he has tried twice over the course of 15 seconds and it still is not exactly right).  More often than not, he struggles a bit better now.  But, oh, it has been a hard one.  It also involved me deliberately putting him in places where he would feel immediately inadequate so he was forced to struggle.  I realize that sounds harsh, but talking him down and through the struggles was essential for him to feel successful.  Perhaps sitting next to your daughter and coloring the rest with her, or just talking to her as she colors then making a big to do over the picture might help.  We used to put A papers in the portfolio and B papers on the refrigerator for a while.

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  • 4 weeks later...

My daughter struggled with perfectionism in writing and drawing both in preschool in kindergarten. I think the most important thing is your reaction to the frustration. We would label the emotion for her but not get upset ourselves . "You seem frustrated. Let's put this away for awhile and come back to it later." We had a preschool teacher who treated her frustration as a discipline issue because dd would scrunch up her work and/or toss it on the floor. The teacher would get upset and get in dd's space about not tolerating that kind of behavior. Guess how well that went over? Anyway, now in first grade, dd has outgrown her perfectionism and is all too happy (maybe more than she should be) to turn in work that is "good enough".

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Giftedness and perfectionism can certainly coexist.  My oldest struggled with it in the early years but "outgrew" it.  I, on the other hand, did not outgrow it, likely because those tendencies were promoted by my environment. 

 

I consciously and deliberately endeavor on a day by day basis to accept best effort across the board without regard to results, focusing on the effort and the person instead.  Years ago, I was criticized by family for not making a big deal of my oldest's performance, suggesting I was not proud of her.   Now I tell people in no uncertain terms I am proud of all of my children foremost because of WHO they are, not based on what they do. 

 

I don't want to make the mistakes that presumably well-intentioned people made with me.  Gifted, intuitive kids read a lot into things.  When we consistenly receive messages of praise for what we do so well, we can (erroneously? maybe not) conclude that this is what makes us valuable.  We can also come to the conclusion, warranted or not, that it is not okay to fail. People really need to consider the ramifications of the messages they send bright, intuitive kids.  Perfectionism can be promoted, even unwittingly, in the way we approach our children.

 

 

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Ha, I guess my 3 yr. old has the perfectionist tendencies. Both kids have great motor skills, could write letters early and such. She just learned how to hold onto the monkey bars and drop to the ground safely the other day. She likes to do pages and pages of workbooks in one sitting, until she gets one thing wrong, then it's over as far as she's concerned. (I think it was the letter R lately, she made a B or something). My husband said, "of all the stuff she could have got from you, why did it have to be this one?!". Since I read Carol Dweck's articles online I want to tell my kids, "of course it's hard. Smart people do hard work." and, "learning means learning how to do something you don't know how to do.". Well, she's copying what I say. She says stuff like, "My work was hard and I did it. I did hard work." Both kids regularly try hard stuff on their own, there's just a tendency I've read about for smart kids to try hard things, and usually succeed right away, so they think if they don't get it right away, they can't do it. That's when I use these phrases.

 

I say my daughter has an artistic/poets soul, an emo kid without all the black clothes. (She loves purple.). When she "messes up" it seems to embarrass her deeply. She turns her back, walks away a little bit, she hides her face, her shoulders sag. It happened the other day during a t-ball game. She missed the ball a few times and I could hardly get her to go back and try. Luckily an experienced bystander told my three year old, "go hit the ball. I want to take a picture of you hitting the ball." And it worked. It definitely wasn't working for me to say, "it's okay, baby, it happens to everybody sometimes. You can do it if you keep trying."

 

This is a unique problem. I've read tons of stories online that show it is an issue. When kids regularly achieve above their age level almost anytime they try to do stuff they don't get a certain trait, that apparently most people struggle a little more anytime they try to do stuff. Advanced kids do work more, that's why they're advanced. But they don't naturally struggle. That's the way I've read it described. So somehow we should take the times when they have a struggle and celebrate it and teach them that it is normal, maybe not to them, but it is normal, and good, and worth celebrating. How do we turn that reaction from embarrassment to "living in the moment" and embracing the struggle when it happens? Hopefully by teaching about this. (?)

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Interestingly enough since writing this down a few weeks ago, my DD6 is now drawing a lot more and has made some great detailed drawings that she is proud of - I wonder if when she fusses she is just about to hit a new phase or some development is on the way. Maybe she just needed some space to figure it all out by herself - or at least until the next time something pops up that bothers her tremendously.

 

I think I need to remember that with this child in particular I am going to keep seeing "phases." She may also have some of my husband's need to deal with things alone and in her own time added with some female need to let others know she is struggling but doesn't want help - either with the emotions or with the actual product or work. :)

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Interestingly enough since writing this down a few weeks ago, my DD6 is now drawing a lot more and has made some great detailed drawings that she is proud of - I wonder if when she fusses she is just about to hit a new phase or some development is on the way. Maybe she just needed some space to figure it all out by herself - or at least until the next time something pops up that bothers her tremendously.

 

I think I need to remember that with this child in particular I am going to keep seeing "phases." She may also have some of my husband's need to deal with things alone and in her own time added with some female need to let others know she is struggling but doesn't want help - either with the emotions or with the actual product or work. :)

 

I understand this!  A. is also phase-y.  And tends toward perfectionism. 

 

Do remember to be kind to yourself when your daughter is in the midst of a fussy/challenging/demanding phase.  :) 

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