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Finding balance...


freeindeed
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How do you do it with a special needs child? How do you find time to meet the needs of that child AND your other children? How do you fit in time to connect with and "romance" your spouse? How do you find time for yourself? This is particularly if your SN child is not a good sleeper. Help me...please!

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I cut out all extras.  I reviewed my schooling and cut it down to absolute essentials and then only add enrichment items that fit within our lifestyle.  So even if studying X would be great, if it isn't essential and won't fit our current lifestyle we don't study X.  Even though going to a weekly activity might be fun, if it isn't essential it doesn't happen...

 

I also became more selfish.  I am not volunteering outside the home, I am not worrying about what others think and I am taking the time to do something daily that I enjoy.  DH and I are pursuing a hobby together so we can have something that connects us beyond home making.  Finally, I am spending a little more $ than I do when things are going smoothly.  When all is well I have time to cut corners and coupons, right now I don't.  I'd like to have more $ in savings, but now just isn't the time.  So if we need to get carry out to cover for a rough day, we get carry out.  Obviously this last bit has to be done with moderation, but I am not going to add to my stress by guilting over every little thing. KWIM? 

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I think that prioritizing really helps. And once the basics are prioritized, you can add other items that require weighted assessment. To use the PP example of clipping coupons, someone else might weight that differently. Someone else might make the time needed to clip coupons and browse the sale ads because money is so tight, no one can stretch anymore. Or, someone might find that clipping and strategizing energizes and refreshes them.

 

I try to keep a supply of "bad day" lesson plans and contingency plans. Right now, mine are in short supply because my son has maxed them out. A bad day lesson plan might include pulling out a read aloud that everyone will like (we don't do that much reading aloud), a book on tape while my son cleans his room, his art lessons that are self-directed, math topics that he considers easy or fun, etc. I try to not tackle hard stuff on a bad day. Someone else might stock freezer meals and such for a bad day or get takeout as the PP described.

 

My husband's schedule is erratic with long shifts at all hours and on weekends and holidays. So, we are very limited in what we can take on for outside activities. My older son needs to be in bed early, but the little guy does not. We HAVE to cater to the early to bed one, so that limits things. However, the non-special needs child (or at least less needy one) has time alone with Mom or Dad at bedtime, so we try to use that time a couple of times per week to give him individual attention that he wouldn't always get otherwise. We will do other things that are considered time consuming, but they are things we enjoy--planting a garden, stuff like that. Others will prioritize based on their needs, such as nap times.

 

My time alone happens mostly at night, alone, while my husband is working, and the kids are in bed. It limits how much energy I can bring to my "fun" time, and I can't go anywhere. So, I try to create other times to do things alone outside the house. If my husband is off on the day that kids take their gym class, he takes them. He gets two hours to piddle at the Y (important to him), and I try to go to the library or do something else by myself. It's really helpful because it's a win-win for all of us, but it's not a guarantee each week.

 

We also tag team the kids. If I can't get alone time for an errand because hubby has stuff that he needs to concentrate on, sometimes we each take a child. It's not ideal for either of us, but it cuts down the intensity level for both of us.

 

We hire a babysitter for dates (no family nearby to trade off with), but that has been challenging. Most teens want "real" jobs. We have a great sitter now who is taking a gap year, but she might not be in the country all that much longer, and she has some big plans from time to time during her gap year. We'll take it while we can!

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Well I only have one and I do know that I wouldn't be able to do most of what I do without sleep. I am sure that is probably the biggest stumbling block you have right now. Of course that lack of sleep escalates behaviours and your ability and energy levels to deal with everything. I am sure you have already tried everything under the sun to try and get her to sleep though. So I mostly just wanted to add some hugs!

 

Something that is helpful here is looking at everything ds does and finding ways to make tasks and his school work do double duty for therapy related goals as well.

 

I am not sure I can explain this well, but I also find my mindset is the most important. I have the mindset that everything is an opportunity to work on goals with ds instead of just looking at lists of therapy ideas and therapy homework as a daily to do. I find this makes our days far more productive and rewarding for both of us. Also that always looking for opportunities helps me see the progress we are making and leaves me feeling energized. That allows me to make use of the little time i have to pursue my interests and to look after myself by working out.

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Rather than trying to find time, you could try setting times.  Which takes priority over everything.

 

Where the things that you want to find time, are really about making time for you to maintain your mental health.

Where maintaining the mental health of the carer, takes precedence over everything.

As the foundation that the family is built upon.

 

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Hm....well, this may not be helpful to you, but I found I couldn't homeschool the neurotypical children and the special needs child. It was an either/or situation and I made the decision that the SN child would get little to nothing from public school and the neurotypical children could so they would go. That was a hard decision. I started out with everyone home, then everyone at PS, then half and half. Last year I had to admit that SN child is well-treated but academically-ignored at PS and I can't teach anyone else with him when he's home. 

 

So, when the NT children come home I try to have it scheduled so I can spend time with them, working on homework, catching up with housework, and starting dinner. Usually this works out (unless SN child decides negative attention from everyone is the way to go). DH and I are very intentional about having each of the NT out of the house with a parent (or in a group w/out SN child). We also have scheduled family or project nights. They also have more freedom around our small town than I might have encouraged otherwise. 

 

As for romance, SN child sleeps in our room or with us. :mellow:  My advice is be flexible with timing. Schedule time if that helps. Instituting Saturday morning cartoons or video game play for the children and then locking yourself away from an hour can be very helpful (the siblings are old enough to know when to get us). We have mini-dates where dh comes home and we sit in the bedroom and hold hands and talk about the day until someone decides things are too quiet and riles everything up. We touch and hold each other a lot. My advice is do a lot of touching, especially if your romantic life is disturbed. You really need the comfort, and human touch is very comforting for most people. 

 

We also have scheduled days out. DH has meetings for different groups he belongs to. I get every Wed. off unless there is a medical appointment that day. That means dh will feed the kids and I go out...to the library or the grocery store or a movie. Wherever. Take small moments every day...nap/quiet time, extra long bathroom breaks, folding laundry in front of a Mommy video. Don't feel bad if your SN child needs to be entertained during that time. I know with my other children I scorned using the tv or video games for a break, but when you're already dealing with exhaustion a scheduled time for electronics or other helpers is a necessity (IMO). 

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  • 4 weeks later...

My situation is a bit different, I suppose.

 

My two oldest are both SN. DS1 has PDD-NOS, Sensory Integration Disorder, ADHD and a gastro condition. Up until the past 2-3 years, he was the center of everything in our house. Most of our time and energy went towards getting him to a stage where he could be independent and somewhat functional. He is still behind and struggles with a lot of "little" things such as hygiene, stairs, and sleeping through the night. It is a pain in the butt at times to have a 10 year old freaking out about brushing his teeth when you have 4 younger ones needed to use the bathroom. But it has to be dealt with.

 

DD has severe ADHD and also has ODD (a persistent foul attitude with a mean streak, imho). She and I butt heads quite a bit and I find myself disciplining her more than I discipline my 4 boys combined. At least once a day, I'm sending her to the "quiet spot" (time out), most days it's more like 2-3 times a day. She interrupts DS1 during his narrations and will finish his spelling and writing assignments for him so they can go play. She sneaks off to go play video games and lies about it. :glare:

 

Then I have 3 little guys, all of whom are NT. Up until this fall, all of my little ones were in preschool/day care or staying with grandma during school time. Now we live too far away for grandma to watch the kids more than 1-2 days per week and pre-k is just too expensive for us now that our older kids are doing activities outside of the home. So that means that I have them at home most of the time.

 

We follow a strict schedule that emphasizes the basics (math, reading, phonics, science, penmanship, narrations). These things alone take up at least 2.5-3 hrs per day. There is no such thing as a 15 minute lesson when your 2 oldest kids need constant supervision and/or handholding just to get started. Routine is everything. Everyone has their seats, their own supplies, their own dividers (tri-fold boards to mark off their space at the table), their own workbooks, their own textbooks, etc. No sharing because DS1 cannot handle it and DD and DS2 will fight over the smallest things such as: green crayons, penguin stickers, Sonic the Hedgehog coloring pages (those are recent battles, lol).

 

We take frequent breaks. I let the kids spread out if need be. I don't force them to sit in chairs or at the table anymore. I modify their lessons and texts if need be. DS1 needs everything to be in black and white, minimal pictures, magnified fonts. He will only use composition books to do his writing assignments and cannot stand wire spiral notebooks or binders. They use primary pencils with grips and big pink erasers. No pens, no regular pencils. Big markers only. DD is not as rigid in her requirements as DS1, thankfully.

 

We use a lot of audiobooks, videos, and internet resources in our school. Otherwise I'd go insane. There is simply no way that I could read everything to both of my audio-centric older kids.

 

The balance takes some time to find. It will rarely be a perfect balance. Take each day as it comes. That's all I can tell you. :)

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