Dealing with rigidity (HFA)

[Jennifer132]

Those of you with kids on the Autism spectrum, how do you handle rigidity? My ds is nearly 9, and was diagnosed at 5. Lately he's been just pushing me and pushing me with his rigidity. He will never admit he is wrong. He will never admit someone else is right. We are Christian, and I tend to see this as a character issue because intellectually he is very smart and I think he knows how difficult he is being, but for whatever reason it's nearly impossible for him to act any different. I try to remind myself that he has special needs, but at the same time, how do I instill good character qualities when he truly thinks he does no wrong? I do not want to raise a young man who feels he is never wrong and feels entitled and proud. But I also don't want to be a nagging, scolding mom and have that be how he remembers me. :(

 

I need ideas on how to better communicate the idea of flexibility to him. I need ideas for how to help myself be more compassionate and forgive him when he acts this way. He says he gets scolded more than the other kids, which is true, but it's because he is such a difficult person to be around. My other dd, when I tell her she isnt acting right will say, "you're right, I was doing that. I'm sorry". My ds, on the other hand will argue with you relentlessly until I finally just send him to his room so I can get some peace. It's so tiring. :(

 

Thanks for replying.

[Jennifer-72]

The book Unstuck and On Target is all about teaching children with autism flexible thinking. I used it with my son a couple of years back with good long term results.

 

While some of what you are seeing is most likely rigidity, it sounds like from what you have written you may not be factoring in how impaired his perspective taking abilities may be. Your daughter is able to respond the way she does, because she can take another's perspective. Your son most likely can only see the situation from his perspective. You may want to look at the book Thinking About You, Thinking About Me (or really any number of the books at social thinking.com) for some activities to help strengthen his perspective taking skills. It really isn't a character issue. Perspective taking is a core impairment of autism, and requires lots of support to foster.

 

Edited to add: I don't want that to sound like you aren't fostering it, only mean it as a helpful reminder for the next time you encounter a situation with him. Keeping that in the forefront of my thoughts allows me to utilize those everyday moments to keep moving my son's social development forward in ways that are appropriate for him.

[Lecka]

My son is much younger (pre-school) but in the future I think he is going to use Social Thinking products.

 

If you search "social thinking" you go to their page.

 

They have stuff about flexibility, perspective taking, etc. 

 

I do not know about it past hearing it is supposed to be good.... my son is not ready for it yet, probably another year or two for him. 

 

I don't know how the programs work, though, or what strategies they use.  I just know it exists and is supposed to be good, lol. 

 

Edit:  Thanks for the other book title!!!!  Thanks!

[kbutton]

Those of you with kids on the Autism spectrum, how do you handle rigidity? My ds is nearly 9, and was diagnosed at 5. Lately he's been just pushing me and pushing me with his rigidity. He will never admit he is wrong. He will never admit someone else is right. We are Christian, and I tend to see this as a character issue because intellectually he is very smart and I think he knows how difficult he is being, but for whatever reason it's nearly impossible for him to act any different. I try to remind myself that he has special needs, but at the same time, how do I instill good character qualities when he truly thinks he does no wrong? I do not want to raise a young man who feels he is never wrong and feels entitled and proud. But I also don't want to be a nagging, scolding mom and have that be how he remembers me. :(

 

I need ideas on how to better communicate the idea of flexibility to him. I need ideas for how to help myself be more compassionate and forgive him when he acts this way. He says he gets scolded more than the other kids, which is true, but it's because he is such a difficult person to be around. My other dd, when I tell her she isnt acting right will say, "you're right, I was doing that. I'm sorry". My ds, on the other hand will argue with you relentlessly until I finally just send him to his room so I can get some peace. It's so tiring. :(

 

Thanks for replying.

 

I am saying this for me as well as for you...it's the Holy Spirit's job to convict him of sin. Not that you don't need to teach him, but you aren't responsible for the results. I need to say this to myself as well. And sometimes my son seems like he's taking someone's perspective until we have a longer conversation that reveals how far off the mark he really is--it's so hard to sometimes see where these kiddos are at.

 

That said, we spend a lot of time describing to our son what his argumentative and rigid behaviors look like. We often have to say something like, "when you do that, other people think you are being ____ ." 'Cause he's never going to think the same way, but he does care about what others think and wants to be a good friend, etc.

 

[geodob]

Something that you could try, is doing 'role play' activities with him?

Where he takes on different characters, and then acts them out with you.

Which could begin with using scripts, and then later making up scripts.

But the essential thing, is to use these scripts for him to practice imagining himself as the character that he is acting out.

Rather than reciting the script.

Where acting out different characters, can help develop the ability to think outside of oneself, from the perspective of other.

 

 

[Jennifer-72]

I am saying this for me as well as for you...it's the Holy Spirit's job to convict him of sin. Not that you don't need to teach him, but you aren't responsible for the results. I need to say this to myself as well. And sometimes my son seems like he's taking someone's perspective until we have a longer conversation that reveals how far off the mark he really is--it's so hard to sometimes see where these kiddos are at.

 

That said, we spend a lot of time describing to our son what his argumentative and rigid behaviors look like. We often have to say something like, "when you do that, other people think you are being ____ ." 'Cause he's never going to think the same way, but he does care about what others think and wants to be a good friend, etc.

 

Why do you say he will never think the same way? I know my son will always have challenges with perspective taking and it won't necessarily be intuitive to him, but I can see how much he has and continues to grow with these skills. There really is lots to do that will help move a child's perspective taking forward.

[Lecka]

Geodob -- there is an after-school program in my town for middle-school age, that is all about looking at movies and possibly doing plays, that has seemed kind-of random to me as an autism intervention ---- but it does make sense now with seeing that as a recommendation.

 

My son is 5 in pre-school, so the middle school stuff is very "really?" to me, but the autism coordinator is really optimistic that my son will be ready for that program when he gets to middle school. 

 

For slightly older kids, they are going to have a magic program in a summer autism program, where they teach kids magic tricks and have them perform ---- which has also seemed very random to me, but makes sense for perspective taking. 

 

I am hoping to send my son to the "magic camp" next summer, we don't think he is ready for it this summer. 

 

I have been like "what on earth do autism and magic have in common?  why are they picking magic for this program?" 

[Jennifer-72]

I actually just finished putting together plans to run an asd drama group. Drama has been excellent for my son's non verbal skills and for his perspective taking. Also, I love how it is a natural way to work on social skills without it being direct teaching about what the child should do.

 

I never thought about magic, how clever! My brother is a magician, I will have to put him work next time we go to visit him.

[kbutton]

Why do you say he will never think the same way? I know my son will always have challenges with perspective taking and it won't neccesssairily be intuitive to him, but I can see how much he has and continues to grow with these skills. There really are lots to do that will help move a child's perspective taking forward.

 

I am using "never" a little too loosely. In the moment, my son will not see a particular behavior the way that others do, and it can lead to arguing--lots more heat without any new light on the subject. He might agree, but it might not be for a looong time. A little anecdote might help illustrate what I mean, since I am really not meaning to sound like rigid kids can't change.

 

My son was reading his inference skills book. One facet of the information involved a minority ball player who faced discrimination. The book asked if the ball player was "bothered" by this. My son says no. My son understands that the man was discriminated against and probably felt bad, but according to my son, if the man was "bothered," he would have quit, not continued to push forward. I can make my son see many sides of all of this, and he has a genuine ability to understand that racial discrimination would make someone feel bad. I can't make him let go of his idea of what "bothered" means. This is what I mean by "he will never think the same way." Even if we come to the same conclusion in the end (racial discrimination hurts and can make some people quit), he will not arrive at it in the same way--he needs a different method to get there. So, when I correct my son, I am trying to build on the value of his being a good friend, nice person, etc. NOT on how he defines being a good friend, nice person, etc. because his view may be completely skewed. I'd like him to get to the same page eventually, but if I argue that a certain behavior is negative, he'll argue back. If I say that "most people think X is rude," he can't argue with that quite as effectively. He does understand that what bothers me might not bother him and vice versa. So, I try to make sure he understands what will bother other people, not argue about why it bothers them or not (which is sometimes incomprehensible to him). And quite frankly, I think that works for non-autistic folks too--people who are strong feelers and thinkers, for instance, often cannot see eye-to-eye. If they want to be friends, they need to be able to say, "this bothers my friend, so I am going to reframe this in my mind." We might have to do this only with people very different from us, but our spectrum kids might have to do this all the time.

 

I hope that makes sense. I definitely am not trying to be discouraging--we're in the same boat in that I am also dealing with rigidity, perspective taking, etc., and I feel quite hopeful about my son's future even though he needs more help with certain skills than others do. I also can tell you that neurotypical people have to learn these skills too. I know folks whose parents are not neurotypical, and they struggle to learn this stuff too since it was not modeled at home. There are posters on this board who have shared their own difficulties in this regard.

[Jennifer-72]

Oh I understand that whole line of thinking, just your earlier post sounded like you had no hope that things could get better. Glad to hear that is not the case!

[kbutton]

Oh I understand that whole line of thinking, just your earlier post sounded like you had no hope that things could get better. Glad to hear that is not the case!

 

And I'm glad I didn't accidentally step on your toes or discourage you. :-)