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Please evaluate these writings


musicianmom
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These are dd8's IEW assignments, re-telling myths from a key word outline. She hasn't yet learned to divide into paragraphs.

 

The Gift of the Fire

 

Prometheus was bored with the dull clouds of Mount Olympus so he went down to earth to see what men were like. He found them cold and shivering. Prometheus realized that men needed fire. He went to Zeus and boldly asked him to let men have fire. Zeus was angry and said no. Prometheus figured out how to make his own fire and taught men how to do it as well. He also taught them how to make houses, tame cattle and cook! Prometheus made all men warm, fed and happy.

 

Arachne

 

In Ancient Greece there was a girl named Arachne and she told everybody that she was better at spinning than anyone else. Now Athena having heard of this went to earth and told Arachne that they were to have a contest and that if she Athena won then Arachne would never spin again. Arachne spun hers under a mulberry tree, but Athena spun in the sky, and hers was made of sunbeams, clouds, fields and autumn woods. Arachne saw this and became afraid, for she did not know how she was going to live with out spinning. Athena won and took pity on Arachne and turned her in to a spider so that she might spin forever a beautiful web. And for all I know she could be the next spider you see.

 

(Obviously I see the "without" and "into" errors. Any tips for reducing the excessive use of "and"?)

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Guest krissy01

I think this is well done! I would suggest with the "ands" (and yes, she does use them too much) is to have her ask herself what the subject of the sentence is trying to do - try to show her how taking out the "and" will simplify the sentence, making it more concise and less wordy. For instance "Now Athena having heard of this went to earth and told Arachne that they were to have a contest and that if she Athena won then Arachne would never spin again." - could be "Now Athena having heard of this went to earth to tell Arachne that they were to have a contest and that if she Athena won, then Arachne would never spin again." So she would ask herself here, "What was Athena trying to do?" Answer being, she was going to earth TO TELL Arachne. In other sentences, changing the verb to an "ing" verb might help such as "Athena won and took pity on Arachne and turned her" to "Athena won and took pity on Arachne, turning her".

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