Small vent...family (arghhhhhh)

[Donna]

Sorry, I just need to vent and this was the only safe place I could think of. My sister and twin (2.5yos) were visiting the past two weeks from Calif (I'm in NJ). My parents live here in NJ as well. Just a little background...my sister has always been my mother's favorite.

 

I am of the opinion that every child is wonderful and amazing and I try to celebrate each one for who they are. The problem is that during this visit, my sister, and then my mother joined, in to attack my children for any little fault they might have...ie.one child is a little chunkier than the rest (he's not even overweight, my other kids are just skinny), my middle wets the bed at night (for which he is followed by a doctor), my little one still sleeps in my bed (not a problem for husband and I, she will move out when ready like the other two, but obviously a point they feel smug in bringing up), and oldest is a bit on the grumpy side (he's a preteen and otherwise a wonderful kid).

 

Then somehow, the topic of her kids going to preschool (for which they had to apply and be interviewed for...what???). She told me she needed to send them to preschool so they would learn to be around other children...in a way that clearly meant that I hadn't provided this much needed opportunity for my own children (though they are all leaders and make friends whereever they go...teach taekwondo classes, lead wrestling practices, converse intelligently with people of any age, and perform their music for groups of people on a regular basis without any self-consciousness).

 

I did a good job at biting my tongue, though it was hard. I wanted so badly to remind them that my kids were doing at 13-18 months more in all developmental areas than hers are at 2.5yo. I didn't bring up any faults her children might have or compare. I just kept my mouth shut and defended my children in positive ways or left the room.

 

Thanks for allowing me to vent a bit. This was such a different visit than my brother and his wife's visit a couple months ago. They are expecting and the day before she left SIL asked me lots of questions about homeschooling, saying they never considered it before but after being around my kids, are now sure it is what they wil do with their future children.

[Scarlett]

Thanks for allowing me to vent a bit. This was such a different visit than my brother and his wife's visit a couple months ago. They are expecting and the day before she left SIL asked me lots of questions about homeschooling, saying they never considered it before but after being around my kids, are now sure it is what they wil do with their future children.

 

Awwww....... this is so sweet! Keep this compliment in the forefront of your mind.

 

And remember offensive, rude people are often very insecure and frightened of their own choices.

[EKS]

I am so sorry you had to deal with this. I am just happy that all of my children's cousins are grown up and that my SILs' are beyond remembering the details of their children's development.

[Academy of Jedi Arts]

I went through a time when a lot of the moms I knew were doing the competitive preschool thing. What I realized is these women were really stressed out about getting their kids into a good school, and resented the fact my kid was a shoe-in but I didn't care. Somehow, they had to justify their own choices. Sometimes, people would be downright rude because they thought I had some kind of magic formula I wouldn't share.

 

I hate that the kids' own grandma was in on it too. That's though. Glad you made it through that experience and it is over.

[Donna]

I hate that the kids' own grandma was in on it too. That's tough. Glad you made it through that experience and it is over.

 

Often they were in the room or walking through. If they hadn't been present I don't think I would have been so angry. It would have been easier to just blow it off as competitiveness or jealousy or whatever. But saying things like that or making little snide comments to the kids was just mean and made me have to explain the callous nature of people to kids who shouldn't have had to ask those kinds of questions about people who are supposed to love them and celebrate their good points.

[Lizzie in Ma]

I did a good job at biting my tongue, though it was hard. I wanted so badly to remind them that my kids were doing at 13-18 months more in all developmental areas than hers are at 2.5yo. I didn't bring up any faults her children might have or compare. I just kept my mouth shut and defended my children in positive ways or left the room.

 

I don't know that I wouldn't have just gotten defensive and angry and said things I would have regretted. Good for you.:grouphug:

[love2read]

:grouphug: I'm glad they don't live close enough to gang up on you very often. Something happened to me around the age of 45, I learned to respond to everyone based on a literal interpretation of what they said. Somehow I was able to let go of the implication, stay calm and come back to them with their own words.

 

If someone says to me-

"she needed to send them to preschool so they would learn to be around other children" I would have steamed in the past, knowing what they were getting at. Now it's automatic to say "Oh, I'm sorry she's having a hard time picking up on that." and then nothing. Let them deal with my apparent misunderstanding. You can go on forever doing this, sort of playing dumb--Oh really? Why do you say that? Eventually they realize they have no idea what they are talking about. This works with almost anybody and in almost any situation.

[Donna]

:grouphug: I'm glad they don't live close enough to gang up on you very often. Something happened to me around the age of 45, I learned to respond to everyone based on a literal interpretation of what they said. Somehow I was able to let go of the implication, stay calm and come back to them with their own words.

 

If someone says to me-

"she needed to send them to preschool so they would learn to be around other children" I would have steamed in the past, knowing what they were getting at. Now it's automatic to say "Oh, I'm sorry she's having a hard time picking up on that." and then nothing. Let them deal with my apparent misunderstanding. You can go on forever doing this, sort of playing dumb--Oh really? Why do you say that? Eventually they realize they have no idea what they are talking about. This works with almost anybody and in almost any situation.

 

 

I may have to try this in the future. It is lucky it only happens once a year.

[Desert Rat]

Someday, I'd love to be able to handle situations like this with as much grace and decorum as you, Donna. You are truly an inspiration. I'm hot headed and reactionary and have to work very hard at being kind to others. Pat yourself on the back for rising above their obvious rudeness. I'm sorry your family can't see that everyone is special and amazing in their own way.

[FlockOfSillies]

If someone says to me-

"she needed to send them to preschool so they would learn to be around other children" I would have steamed in the past, knowing what they were getting at. Now it's automatic to say "Oh, I'm sorry she's having a hard time picking up on that." and then nothing. Let them deal with my apparent misunderstanding. You can go on forever doing this, sort of playing dumb--Oh really? Why do you say that? Eventually they realize they have no idea what they are talking about. This works with almost anybody and in almost any situation.

 

ROFTLOL! (Well, not literally; it's almost 1 a.m.) That is just priceless! My dh is scary good at that sort of thing, although it's usually for laughs. Way to think on your feet!

[Lovedtodeath]

:grouphug:

If someone says to me-

"she needed to send them to preschool so they would learn to be around other children" I would have steamed in the past, knowing what they were getting at. Now it's automatic to say "Oh, I'm sorry she's having a hard time picking up on that." and then nothing. Let them deal with my apparent misunderstanding. You can go on forever doing this, sort of playing dumb--Oh really? Why do you say that? Eventually they realize they have no idea what they are talking about. This works with almost anybody and in almost any situation.

 

I subscribed to the thread just to have this as a reminder. LOL

[The Governess]

:grouphug: It's so hard when family act like this - shouldn't they be the most supportive people in our lives?

 

You're obviously doing a good job if your family is inspiring other parents to homeschool! Maybe when her kids start bringing home bad habits from their new preschool friends that she was so excited for them to be around she'll rethink her position. :tongue_smilie:

[beansprouts]

I have never understood why people can't just be comfortable with their own choices. Why do they need to validate themselves by putting others down? Why can't they just accept that each child is unique and has different needs, and that every responsible parent makes thoughtful and informed choices about what is best for their child and their family? Why assume that because I do things differently one of us must be wrong?

 

Yeah, I have my own family issues... :grouphug:

[Mommyof4ks]

UGH! Sometimes family can be just as hurtful as helpful. I would have lost it if they said something when my kids were around to hear them, so great job for keeping your cool! Yay, it is over for a year!

 

Hmmm...playing dumb sounds like a great idea. I will have to try that with my family.

[Harriet Vane]

This isn't about homeschooling or parenting, it's about being mean. Your mother and sister have apparently decided that they do not have to remember common courtesy with regard to your children.

 

I think of your children having to hear this garbage and I am sad for them, as I know you are.

 

Can you tell your mom/sister something along the lines of:

 

"When you were here you made a lot of critical remarks to my children, as well as about them in their hearing. You don't have to like or agree with how I parent them, but you cannot be mean to my children. If you don't have anything nice to say, then just don't say anything at all."

[Lovedtodeath]

This isn't about homeschooling or parenting, it's about being mean. Your mother and sister have apparently decided that they do not have to remember common courtesy with regard to your children.

 

I think of your children having to hear this garbage and I am sad for them, as I know you are.

 

Can you tell your mom/sister something along the lines of:

 

"When you were here you made a lot of critical remarks to my children, as well as about them in their hearing. You don't have to like or agree with how I parent them, but you cannot be mean to my children. If you don't have anything nice to say, then just don't say anything at all."

 

YES! NO ONE should insult children!

[ashmac]

"A gentle answer turns away wrath but harsh words stir up anger." (Prov. 15:1)

 

You modeled the loving response for your children, and what an accomplishment that is! I say "loving" response, because leaving the room when your first impulse is to smack someone IS a loving response! ;-)

 

Also, find out what your husband thinks about the visit. Did it bother him? If he doesn't like it, consider not having them over again. I know that sounds drastic, but is the visit really worth the ire and pain? If so then bully for you! Overlook the snags and fully enjoy the good moments. If no, and you don't want to avoid visits, then perhaps there are ways to reduce these interactions, such as having Mom and Sis stay in a hotel for the next visit.

 

Get your carpets cleaned on the very week they are coming or paint the interior--then refuse to be a poor hostess: "Oh no, no, no! I would NEVER allow you to breathe in those nasty paint fumes. I would much rather you stay at the Ritz downtown. I would feel terrible any other way. Only the best for you; I simply won't hear of anything else." That sort of thing.

 

I deal with a situation like this. It takes creativity.

[ashmac]

I like Strider's suggestion. It would be especially good if you're moving in the direction of restricting visits. Either they comply or you restrict visits. That sort of thing.

[Miss Sherry]

It seems that people tend to want others to do everything the same way they are doing things and the fact that you are doing things differently must be challenging their sense of security. If they didn't feel lacking and insecure there would be no need to be snarky with you and your children. I really think they are jealous. Jealousy can be cruel. I would not want to have them being mean around my children. If it were me I would be checking to see what hotels they could stay in next time and not have them around my children so much.