What has helped your anxious child?

[momsuz123]

I am new to the life of dealing with an anxious child. My 9 y/o is anxious. We have sought out professional help with some success. Just curious, as parents, what has helped you help your child the best?

 

Thanks

[laughing lioness]

clean food, lots of water, no sugar, light on carbs, no high stress vidoe games or t.v. hugging even if they don't want it. A rubber ball to squeeze- GUM!!, lots of green therapy (outside play time) with large muscle movement, words of affirmation and telling them things will be alright.

[Mandylubug]

I have seen all of my children around the age 8 to 9 go through a time of anxiousness. They get quite clingy, break down at the appearance of change or being put in a situation they aren't accustomed to. The first time it happened with my oldest, I was baffled and thought he was being silly and made him push through his feelings and deal. As they have all hit this period of anxiousness, it has occurred to me that this is just part of their season in life and they need me a little more. I encourage them to work through their feelings but I no longer require them to deal alone or be left in one of those situations that makes them the most anxious. I keep them at my side, encouraging and helping them along the way. It is the only thing that has helped my kids the most successfully. At times, I do feel like we have regressed in the independence but I know from experience they come out of it on the other side even more confident than before!

[dmmm]

Seriously, setraline. A tiny, tiny dose, but that is the only thing that made her not sleep with all of her lights on. She was severely anxious. After she got less anxious, we started her on CBT. Now she can sometimes talk herself through her anxiety.

[Ravin]

My DD is on sertraline, too, along with risperidone (the latter mostly because bipolar runs in my family and antianxiety meds alone can trigger bipolar symptoms in predisposed kids).

 

Meds have helped my DD a lot, along with counseling and some modification in our home discipline and routines. A predictable routine helps, especially around sleep, as well as behavioral modification through not giving too much attention to negative behavior while giving LOTS of positive attention/reinforcement for good behavior and positive attention-seeking.

 

But for the anxiety specifically the meds have been the single biggest thing. Before meds she'd gotten to the point where she wouldn't even leave the house, her thoughts would race, she had nightmares, and she kept thinking of every horrible possibility of every choice of action she might take. She couldn't go play with friends any more, she was too afraid and needed to be close to parents. This in a normally very gregarious, outgoing, and social child. The meds stopped the scary thoughts and let the therapy have room to teach her how to tell between little and big problems (what's a rock, what's a hill, and what's a mountain? is how the game the therapist used put it), and appropriate reactions.

[Farrar]

Therapy.

 

Also, me being a hardass about it once he had the CBT.  We're a very cuddly, positive family and it was hard for me to fully make this switch, but once he gets on a roll, a hug, a word of reassurance, a reminder that he has a set of strategies, and then GOODBYE.  I will not engage.

[placeofgrace]

My DD is on sertraline, too, along with risperidone (the latter mostly because bipolar runs in my family and antianxiety meds alone can trigger bipolar symptoms in predisposed kids).

 

Meds have helped my DD a lot, along with counseling and some modification in our home discipline and routines. A predictable routine helps, especially around sleep, as well as behavioral modification through not giving too much attention to negative behavior while giving LOTS of positive attention/reinforcement for good behavior and positive attention-seeking.

 

But for the anxiety specifically the meds have been the single biggest thing. Before meds she'd gotten to the point where she wouldn't even leave the house, her thoughts would race, she had nightmares, and she kept thinking of every horrible possibility of every choice of action she might take. She couldn't go play with friends any more, she was too afraid and needed to be close to parents. This in a normally very gregarious, outgoing, and social child. The meds stopped the scary thoughts and let the therapy have room to teach her how to tell between little and big problems (what's a rock, what's a hill, and what's a mountain? is how the game the therapist used put it), and appropriate reactions.

Ditto! Sertraline(Zoloft)is the only thing that has helped my son.

[Mrs. Tharp]

Medication here also. My oldest is on Intuniv, Celexa and a very small dose of Risperidone. It's helped so much, and now CBT actually has a chance of working. Good nutrition, a consistent bedtime and carefully monitoring media are also necessary at our house.

[Lizzie in Ma]

Zoloft has been a godsend for our oldest.

[TracyP]

What to Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Anxiety really helped my son. I give him reminders to not "water his worries" or he will remind himself when he starts to see it happening.

 

Talking about the specific issue helps as well. He needs feedback about whether his issue is legitimate or not. The worries still pop up, but he is getting good at putting them in them aside when they are not realistic. (which, of course, is almost always)

 

Enough sleep. He gets worse when he is overtired.

 

Staying busy. Lots of physical activity and time outdoors is the best. The more time he has to sit and think about [xyz], the worse it gets. The physical activity and outdoor time also help him sleep better at night which is when he will dwell on his issues the most.

 

[AngieW in Texas]

Fluoxetine (prozac) is what helped here. There are times when medication really is needed to be able to complete therapy. One of my kids needed a combination of fluoxetine and risperidone at first, but now needs only the fluoxetine.

[dmmm]

I just remembered that if you want to not medicate your child, definitely try Omega - 3. There are lots of studies that show it reduces anxiety and ADHD.  Unfortunately for me, my dd is so taste a texture sensitive, I have not found a supplement for her to take.  I buy milk and any other food that I can find to try to get it in her.

 

Also, mindfulness training does wonders according to multiple studies.  I have been battling with my child to do yoga, but she says she hates it.  Hopefully your child won't be adverse to things that are proven to work!!

[JanetC]

once he gets on a roll, a hug, a word of reassurance, a reminder that he has a set of strategies, and then GOODBYE. I will not engage.

This. Learning not to engage was really hard for me, too. But, that's the way it's gotta be.

[lewelma]

I have been teaching him that he has power over his thoughts.  If you have a bad thought, refuse to dwell on it, choose to think about *anything* else.   Typically, he focuses on sensations -- the wind in his hair, the sun on his face, etc; but he can also think about a good book he has read.  The more he reroutes these negative feelings, the weaker the connections.  This process takes time, but I have used it myself to great success, and my 9 year old is getting there too.

 

Ruth in NZ

[chaya]

This. Learning not to engage was really hard for me, too. But, that's the way it's gotta be.

 

I finally figured this out recently. I have two anxious kids and I tend to over-parent. one day I was just t.i.r.e.d. and .... didnt.

and you know what? not engaging helped him bring the episode to an end more quickly than had I engaged.

I'm not so good at remembering, but lucky me, I get many opportunities to practice.

 

adequate sleep helps too. its remarkable how much sleep some kids need.

[Farrar]

The not engaging thing was especially hard for us at first because a) sometimes engaging helped! and b ) it turned the anxiety into anger for awhile.  But it has been worth it to push through.

 

I have been teaching him that he has power over his thoughts.  If you have a bad thought, refuse to dwell on it, choose to think about *anything* else.   Typically, he focuses on sensations -- the wind in his hair, the sun on his face, etc; but he can also think about a good book he has read.  The more he reroutes these negative feelings, the weaker the connections.  This process takes time, but I have used it myself to great success, and my 9 year old is getting there too.

 

Ruth in NZ

 

And this is the other piece.  Through therapy and some other things, we've been teaching him to conquer those thoughts and control them.  But we can't do it when he's upset and freaking out.  It has to happen in quiet moments.  And then we can talk about it and engage.  We have a set aside time at night when we talk about letting go of these thoughts and being in control.  It's helpful.

[raristy]

It would never hurt to ask their pediatrician to test for thyroid levels. Might not be it, but often hormone imbalances cause anxiety.

[msjones]

What is CBT?

 

I'm guessing cognitive behavioral therapy?

[foxbridgeacademy]

My son does not have the level of anxiety that requires medication but I have found that as long as he knows that he's not alone, that DH and I are here (we stress that we're a TEAM) it makes him feel better. Sometimes just simply sitting and letting him get it all out (the emotions, fears) helps tremendously. HSing has obviously helped (he'd be medicated if he were in PS) so has a routine. I would say though that having "down time" where nothing is required of him does the most good toward restoring his "balance". Also he doesn't know he has an anxiety issue. He thinks he's just a little nervous. I believe in telling my children the truth, I hate lying to them but if when he was younger we had told him he had an anxiety disorder, I think it would have made it so much worse. He is finally starting to "grow" out of it. I'm not suggesting your DC will too, like I said DS has a mild case but I do think that for many children it is an age thing. They becoming more independent and it scares them. Realizing that your DC can't help it and teaching them how to cope (therapy?) and stop the whirlwind of thoughts/fear/emotions going on in their head is just as important IMO as meds.

[Alte Veste Academy]

The absolute most important thing? I homeschool. I truly believe my anxious child would need therapy and maybe even meds if in school. Now, obviously some kids need these even if they are homeschooled, but for my kid, homeschooling is the primary protection from escalation of symptoms.

 

Other than that, loving but matter-of-fact discussions, as described above. Not feeding the anxiety. We have worry time too, to intentionally restrict the amount of time dedicated to any worries. Too much time = too much power. One thing that helps so very much more than I ever imagined it would is normalizing any of the anxiety that actually falls into the category of normal childhood fear. When I am told of the fear that something is under the bed, I tell about how I was also scared of that as a child and used to jump three feet into bed to make sure the imagined lurking whatever didn't grab me and, "I lived to tell the tale!" ;) It also helps to hear big, strong DH tell about what he used to be scared of too. We chuckle about it and, yes, it actually makes the child less afraid of what does fall into the category of normal. Somehow, that makes the child feel...secure? Less anxious about being anxious? To be clear, not all of the anxiety falls under the category of normal childhood fear but, truly, when we share common ground, it has an overarching effect. I used to worry that it would just add something else to be anxious about but surprisingly, that is not the case at all. The opposite is true; it makes the child worry less.

 

As much as I hate to say it, because I know how hard it can be to stay patient with an anxious child (really, I do), my patience and calm is imperative. I used to worry I was just the wrong sort of mother for this kid because my reactions to anxious, worried behavior were (euphemism alert!) unpleasant. And they exacerbated the anxiety big time. Half the time, in the beginning, I failed to realize when annoying behavior was actually caused by anxiety, so I wasn't thinking as much as I should have about the measure and importance of my response. Breathing exercises, plenty of sleep for me, mantras, whatever it takes... Staying calm is so important. Or removing myself when I have just had it and can't stay calm anymore. Anything but letting the child push my buttons.

 

The book What to Do When You Worry Too Much was awesome too. We squish anxious feelings around here. If the child won't flick them off his shoulder and squish them, I am happy to do it. That goes along with being matter-of-fact about "unreasonable" fears. For reasonable fears that might try to take over, we make a plan so that when they come up, I can simply say, "We have a plan. Flick and squish."

 

Also, swimming. A good, solid hour of swimming on swim team days. On non swim team days, jogging. Do not underestimate the importance of physical exercise. Read Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain. Exercise is apparently the cure for everything. ;) We also eat like saints around here, with the occasional indulgence.

[Parrothead]

Homeschooling has helped a lot. Dd has been able to come out of her shell in her own time. She has come a long way since birth. I'm not sure she will make it to college away from home, but we will do what she is most comfortable with.

 

Mostly lots of handholding, lots of gentle pushes, lots of logical discussions and when she was little lots of monster spray.

[momsuz123]

Thanks so much for all the great responses. I already ordered the book that was mentioned. :). The crazy thing about my dd is that she loves theater - she can go on stage in front of hundreds of people (started that at the age of 8)and not be nervous at all. But then all of a sudden, wham. She freaks out about something like going to theater camp for a half a day (after she already went 2 days and loved it). Then once she starts down that path, I don't know what to do.

 

But, I have "engaged", trying to help her, with no luck. Now I am going to try some different techniques. Thanks so much, I don't feel so alone in this journey anymore.

[Farrar]

Thanks so much for all the great responses. I already ordered the book that was mentioned. :). The crazy thing about my dd is that she loves theater - she can go on stage in front of hundreds of people (started that at the age of 8)and not be nervous at all. But then all of a sudden, wham. She freaks out about something like going to theater camp for a half a day (after she already went 2 days and loved it). Then once she starts down that path, I don't know what to do.

 

But, I have "engaged", trying to help her, with no luck. Now I am going to try some different techniques. Thanks so much, I don't feel so alone in this journey anymore.

 

My anxious kid is also my theater boy!  He loves being on stage.  While I think the things mentioned above by me and others have been the most key things, I have found that having these positive things where he really shines has also been really important for him.  He can really shine on stage and he has done some really daring things rock climbing and on the high ropes.  I find stuff like that is also great to refer to for him.

[Alte Veste Academy]

My anxious kid is also my theater boy!  He loves being on stage.  While I think the things mentioned above by me and others have been the most key things, I have found that having these positive things where he really shines has also been really important for him.  He can really shine on stage and he has done some really daring things rock climbing and on the high ropes.  I find stuff like that is also great to refer to for him.

 

I agree with this. At my anxious kid's first music recital, I was so worried, certain it would overwhelm. I just knew that anxiety and embarrassment would have the kid off the stage, head down, at lightning speed. You could have knocked me over with a feather by what really happened. The song was beautifully performed and then kiddo basked (seriously...basked!) in the spotlight, sitting back watching the audience, enjoying the applause with an enormous grin. This is part of the reason I am ironically more likely to (gently) push this kid than the other two.

[threedogfarm]

I like all the suggestions of "squishing" the anxious feelings, more outside time, physical activity, etc.  Not engaging is also huge.

 

One element that I'd like to add is Bach Flower Remedies.  These are really, really useful in our house for all sorts of situations.  The book Bach Flower Remedies for Children by Barbara Mazzarella is an OK place to start learning about them but I prefer the books by Mechthild Scheffer.  But I will say that just taking the remedy isn't the only answer--adding the other posters' suggestions is equally important.  I feel that the essences help produce a state of balance where the ideas of squishing the anxious feelings, etc. has more effect.