Frustrating Conversation a vent

[nitascool]

Sometimes talking with my MIL can be an exercise in futility. I really don't get that woman. Is it me? Am I being illogical? So wrapped up in the way I see things that I'm missing some obvious reason everyone else public schools their kids?

 

Today we were discussing her nieces children who are 9, 7 and 6. They are struggling in school and are behind in their academic skills. When I said that the school should be doing something to help them she, as usual, got very defensive.

 

"The school can't do everything, you know. That's up to the parent to make sure they're learning." (Exact quote). And she said it with a strait face. Ugg.

 

But some how homeschooling my children is so wrong. When I tell her that we are doing a better job in 3 hours then what the PS is doing for her great nephews she defends the school. {My 6yo is reading and doing math on a higher level then the 9yo third-cousin and my 8yo is doing all things slightly above his 12yo cousin's level.}

 

And yet it's not the school failing these poor kids but the parents. The 7 hours they spend at school each day isn't why they fail in school but because their parents don't make them do another two hours of "homework" after school. So (her inference here) I should send my children to school for 7 hours and then homeschool them in the evenings.

 

My biggest question here... Why can't the school do in 7 hours what I do in 3? Dumb question... I should have kept my mouth shut. I really do need to learn to pass the bean dip here.

 

"Well the teacher has 14 or 15 kids to deal with and you only have 1". Umm... obviously the school didn't teach her how to count. That teacher has 14 or 15 kids who are relatively close developmentally. She also has an aide to assist her, while I'm teaching a wiggly 6yo, changing a diaper, pulling my 3yo off the top of the refrigerator, and trying to grade my 8yo's math assignment. Even with all that distraction I can teach my children the basics, and a whole lot more... oh and did I mention, I'm not even a professional teacher. I never even had a day of "training" (another reason she doesn't think we should hs the children) much less 6 years. *I was a good DIL and didn't point out this obvious lack of common sense.

 

Still her job is oooohhh so much more difficult that she can't possibly be expected to teach "All" the kids. Don't get me wrong... I'm sure that being a PS teacher is hard work... but to say that excuses her from doing her job is ridiculous to me. If she is hired to teach then she should teach all the kids not just the ones who get it the first time. And yet my MIL wants me to send my kids to this professionally trained "teacher" who is not required to actually teach my children.

 

Oh and of course, she had to mention that my children should be doing 7 hours homeschooling too, because it's not fair to the other kids. Even though she doesn't like the fact that my children are so far above grade level.

 

Again, I should have passed the bean dip. "What exactly am I supposed to make them do then?" I asked her. She actually told me that I should make them do more on their grade level... they are already doing two complete curriculum's every year in all subjects except Latin (which they wouldn't get at our local PS). She even told me that I should be making my 8yo read "age" appropriate books instead of what he's reading now. When I asked what she meant she said," You should make him read 2nd grade readers, not chapter books".

 

So I should sacrifice my relationship with my children, sacrifice my children's relationship with each other and sacrifice their childhood's so that they can go to school and NOT learn? Oh wait, they will learn to socialize, while being told not to socialize.

 

She then goes on to tell me that children (children in general not just mine) are learning to much, too fast these days and they don't have time to be kids like she and her sons.

 

At this point I wanted to slap some sense into her... Duh. If they spend 7 hours in school and 2 hours studying with their parents in the evening then when are they having time to play, to "be kids".

 

The thing is that I think if the boys were behind academically and ahead socially then I doubt we'd get so much grief from her about homeschooling. It all seems so backward to me. Even though we went to a psychologist who specifically told us that our children would be even more socially behind if they were in ps. Ugg.

 

Just because my children are smart doesn't mean they've lost their childhood. They have plenty of days when they act their age... and sometimes even younger. (Which of course makes her even more angry.)

 

I Really, Really need to stop getting bated into these conversations. Next time I'll just take a :chillpill: and veg. in front of the TV.

[fosterisacoolcat]

Wow, I don't think stand a chance to win an argument with her! Nothing you do will be 'right' and the contradictions are so involved I don't think your MIL knows what would make her happy. Did I read that right? She thinks your child should only read 2nd grade books rather than chapter books? Why regress? Weird. I know you are aggravated but that was a funny read, thanks for that!

[mommaduck]

You just can't win. You could send your kids to ps, then anything that happens would still be your fault just as it's her niece's fault. Yep, pass the bean dip...or just say how you are trying to make things easier on the poor teacher that already has too many students in her class by not subjecting her to your bright children that need to be challenged rather than ignored.

 

But then, I'm snarky like that when I've had too much time to think ;)

[nitascool]

Did I read that right? She thinks your child should only read 2nd grade books rather than chapter books? Why regress?

 

You read that correctly. She actually thinks that we should make our boys NOT read. And if we do "Let them" read then it should be only grade level books. BTW my ds8 is reading on an 8th grade level, and my 6yo is reading on a 3rd grade level. I'm certain that would kill their love of reading in a minute flat.

 

The only instruction in reading I've given them is Phonics Pathways 15 min. three days a week back when they were 3 and 4. (Back when she was begging us to send them to Preschool.) And of course 30 minutes of reading a day once they hit school age. The local PS requires 20 min. daily reading at home aside from their school reading.

 

No, I don't think that I can win for loosing with my MIL. But at least I do get a lot of exercise in patience. LOL

[Tree House Academy]

Does your mother in law commonly fraternize with mine? They sound oh so similar.

 

She once told me to stop homeschooling my then 4 year old because "you don't want him knowing too much before he goes to public school." UMMMMMM....

 

My now 9 year old is my G&T child and I am AMAZED at what he DOESN'T know and the laziness that has been instilled in him from his ps days. He cried today because I told him to write in a complete sentence. "But mom, my teacher at ps took whatever I handed in." Sure she did...she had 15 other kids that were behind or had no idea what to do, so she wasn't going to "bother" making sure one of the smart kids wrote in complete sentences. Oh, what a wake up call hs'ing has been to my 9 year old!

 

I have to say, though, for us, the proof has been in the pudding. My 4 3/4 year old amazes her everyday and when she asks, "how did you know that?" He tells her, "I learned it in homeschool." :)

[fosterisacoolcat]

You read that correctly. She actually thinks that we should make our boys NOT read. And if we do "Let them" read then it should be only grade level books. BTW my ds8 is reading on an 8th grade level, and my 6yo is reading on a 3rd grade level. I'm certain that would kill their love of reading in a minute flat.

 

The only instruction in reading I've given them is Phonics Pathways 15 min. three days a week back when they were 3 and 4. (Back when she was begging us to send them to Preschool.) And of course 30 minutes of reading a day once they hit school age. The local PS requires 20 min. daily reading at home aside from their school reading.

 

No, I don't think that I can win for loosing with my MIL. But at least I do get a lot of exercise in patience. LOL

 

 

I think you get an 'A' for patience. i would have had to try really hard not to kick her in the shin, LOL.

[Laurie4b]

This could be a sit-com script! Sorry, I know that it would have ticked me off, too, but the reasoning is so illogical that it really is funny. You can't make this stuff up!

[WTMCassandra]

I'm SO sorry you had to experience that. How awful.

 

I have found that trying to counter illogical, emotional thinking with logic doesn't work. It doesn't appear that she is interested in logic--only in being right and superior. The twistings and turnings tell me that. Therefore, I think it would be wasted effort to discuss it with her. Bean dip--perhaps a double helping, with an ex-lax slipped in . . . Did I really just say that?

 

Next time:

 

MIL: "9yo, 7yo, and 6yo are still struggling with their skills!"

You: "Really? I'm so sorry to hear that. Can I get you another helping of bean dip?"

MIL: Tries again to engage

You: "Please excuse me for a moment. I have to use the facilities--I'll be right back." And then don't come back. Wander gently into another room and get caught up in a different conversation . . .

[JWSJ]

Strange, my MIL and I never see eye to eye except for homeschooling.

 

She supports us even offering to pay for supplies. She never wants the kids to attend public school.

[nmoira]

:grouphug:

 

There's so much in the OP, it's hard to know where to begin, but this part jumped out at me.

 

Today we were discussing her nieces children who are 9, 7 and 6. They are struggling in school and are behind in their academic skills. When I said that the school should be doing something to help them she, as usual, got very defensive.

I would be hesitant to discuss any family member (however remote) in such a way that MIL could either interpret it as a comparison or be encouraged to make a comparison. I agree with other posts that you need to pass the bean dip, but you might have to be more proactive to protect your children from hearing harsh value judgments from their grandmother.

[nitascool]

:grouphug:

 

There's so much in the OP, it's hard to know where to begin, but this part jumped out at me.

 

I would be hesitant to discuss any family member (however remote) in such a way that MIL could either interpret it as a comparison or be encouraged to make a comparison. I agree with other posts that you need to pass the bean dip, but you might have to be more proactive to protect your children from hearing harsh value judgments from their grandmother.

 

Actually, it started off so very innocently on my part. I just mentioned that I'd seen them in the library and said hi.... and on it went from why where they in the library to a long drawn out conversation about mine and the nieces parenting styles. Which to MIL are both wrong. And I made a real point to say that hsing isn't for every parent and I understand (though I really don't) that not all parents would want to hs. And I pointed out several of the children's strenths... which she dismissed as quickly as she dismisses my children being somewhat bright, because they don't have common sense (in her mind).

 

Also my children were not in the room or the conversation would have ended very abruptly for sure.

[nmoira]

Actually, it started off so very innocently on my part. I just mentioned that I'd seen them in the library and said hi.... and on it went from why where they in the library to a long drawn out conversation about mine and the nieces parenting styles. Which to MIL are both wrong. And I made a real point to say that hsing isn't for every parent and I understand (though I really don't) that not all parents would want to hs. And I pointed out several of the children's strenths... which she dismissed as quickly as she dismisses my children being somewhat bright, because they don't have common sense (in her mind).

I didn't mean to imply you were the driving force. I'm sensitized to my MIL who is always making comparisons between family members, even between siblings. My biggest fear wrt MIL is that we can't know what's being said to our children or within their earshot when we're not around.

 

Also my children were not in the room or the conversation would have ended very abruptly for sure.

Good for you. :)

[saw]

I have my MIL here for nearly three weeks. She's supposed to be babysitting because I work (parttime, and one-third of that from home, so I don't really need her). We afterschool but I have cut down on nearly all afterschooling while she's here because I don't want comments. I do not dicuss the kids' schools with her because I don't want comments (have still gotten a few, though). We're not doing any of my planned projects for them because I don't want comments.

 

My 7 yo ds is 2E, but, after foolishly opening my mouth about his issues on day one, I've duct-taped my mouth shut about him since then.

My MIL taught high school English for a few years, unfortunately. This apparently qualifies her to give all sorts of opinions on my son's special needs (discussing the Lindamood Bell program he did this summer, at huge expense in terms of time, effort and funds, she said, oh I could have done that for him). Now she makes sure to read with him everyday; I think she thinks she's doing remedial work, but his reading isn't actually the main problem.

 

Anyway, sorry this one turned into all about me -- but I do know how unbelievably annoying MILs can be and you have my full sympathy. I've spent the past week so stressed from her presence that I have stomach aches and headaches, but I'm also keeping my mouth shut, which is helping. I think that at least for us this is the only approach that I can live with.

[Melinda]

Sometimes talking with my MIL can be an exercise in futility. I really don't get that woman. Is it me? Am I being illogical? So wrapped up in the way I see things that I'm missing some obvious reason everyone else public schools their kids?

 

Today we were discussing her nieces children who are 9, 7 and 6. They are struggling in school and are behind in their academic skills. When I said that the school should be doing something to help them she, as usual, got very defensive.

 

"The school can't do everything, you know. That's up to the parent to make sure they're learning." (Exact quote). And she said it with a strait face. Ugg.

 

But some how homeschooling my children is so wrong. When I tell her that we are doing a better job in 3 hours then what the PS is doing for her great nephews she defends the school. {My 6yo is reading and doing math on a higher level then the 9yo third-cousin and my 8yo is doing all things slightly above his 12yo cousin's level.}

 

And yet it's not the school failing these poor kids but the parents. The 7 hours they spend at school each day isn't why they fail in school but because their parents don't make them do another two hours of "homework" after school. So (her inference here) I should send my children to school for 7 hours and then homeschool them in the evenings.

 

My biggest question here... Why can't the school do in 7 hours what I do in 3? Dumb question... I should have kept my mouth shut. I really do need to learn to pass the bean dip here.

 

"Well the teacher has 14 or 15 kids to deal with and you only have 1". Umm... obviously the school didn't teach her how to count. That teacher has 14 or 15 kids who are relatively close developmentally. She also has an aide to assist her, while I'm teaching a wiggly 6yo, changing a diaper, pulling my 3yo off the top of the refrigerator, and trying to grade my 8yo's math assignment. Even with all that distraction I can teach my children the basics, and a whole lot more... oh and did I mention, I'm not even a professional teacher. I never even had a day of "training" (another reason she doesn't think we should hs the children) much less 6 years. *I was a good DIL and didn't point out this obvious lack of common sense.

 

Still her job is oooohhh so much more difficult that she can't possibly be expected to teach "All" the kids. Don't get me wrong... I'm sure that being a PS teacher is hard work... but to say that excuses her from doing her job is ridiculous to me. If she is hired to teach then she should teach all the kids not just the ones who get it the first time. And yet my MIL wants me to send my kids to this professionally trained "teacher" who is not required to actually teach my children.

 

Oh and of course, she had to mention that my children should be doing 7 hours homeschooling too, because it's not fair to the other kids. Even though she doesn't like the fact that my children are so far above grade level.

 

Again, I should have passed the bean dip. "What exactly am I supposed to make them do then?" I asked her. She actually told me that I should make them do more on their grade level... they are already doing two complete curriculum's every year in all subjects except Latin (which they wouldn't get at our local PS). She even told me that I should be making my 8yo read "age" appropriate books instead of what he's reading now. When I asked what she meant she said," You should make him read 2nd grade readers, not chapter books".

 

So I should sacrifice my relationship with my children, sacrifice my children's relationship with each other and sacrifice their childhood's so that they can go to school and NOT learn? Oh wait, they will learn to socialize, while being told not to socialize.

 

She then goes on to tell me that children (children in general not just mine) are learning to much, too fast these days and they don't have time to be kids like she and her sons.

 

At this point I wanted to slap some sense into her... Duh. If they spend 7 hours in school and 2 hours studying with their parents in the evening then when are they having time to play, to "be kids".

 

The thing is that I think if the boys were behind academically and ahead socially then I doubt we'd get so much grief from her about homeschooling. It all seems so backward to me. Even though we went to a psychologist who specifically told us that our children would be even more socially behind if they were in ps. Ugg.

 

Just because my children are smart doesn't mean they've lost their childhood. They have plenty of days when they act their age... and sometimes even younger. (Which of course makes her even more angry.)

 

I Really, Really need to stop getting bated into these conversations. Next time I'll just take a :chillpill: and veg. in front of the TV.

 

Boy, I could have almost written this post. My MIL is a special ed teacher and vehemently opposes our choice to HS because we are teaching too much and will never be able to put the kids in PS at this point. Apparently, that will ruin them and put them way behind forever. Sorry you're dealing with this, too.

[Saille]

This sounds like her overall approach to life, rather than a school-specific problem. A person who would contradict herself this many times in one conversation just so she could disapprove of *everybody* would have told you, had you passed the bean dip, that she preferred salsa.

[Academy of Jedi Arts]

So, it sounds like education is not a topic for you and MIL to discuss. Here's what I would do-

 

The next time it comes up I would say, "You know MIL, we have very different views on this. I appreciate you respecting our choices even though we haven't made the same choices you would (even though she hasn't been supportive)." Then I would change the subject. Try to find things you both LIKE to talk about, cooking, a TV show, anything. Then try to find areas in which you can tolerate her advice, and ask for it a lot- even if you don't really need it. "I'm growing some squash out in the garden, when should I pick it?" That kind of thing.

 

If she keeps on with the homeschooling, I would have your dh put his foot down since it is his mother.

[LisaKinVA]

I'm so glad that's one thing we *don't* have to deal with. Not that MIL and I don't have any issues, but homeschooling the children is thankfully, not one of them.

 

I'm sorry this is happening. Unfortunately, I can only see things like this getting worse with time...

 

I'd encourage you to talk to your DH about the necessity of his sitting his mom down to have a heart to heart. Have him tell her that it really pains him to have his mother so "negative" about the choices you and dh have made for your children, but they are YOUR children. And, tell her how much he loves and respects her -- but her very vocal opinions on homeschooling are hurting HIS family, and disrupting the time they all spend together as a family. And, that HE feels it would be best that they simply agree to disagree on the issue and simply not speak about it at all.

 

Something along those lines, anyhow. It may not make any difference -- or she may take it to heart. But at least something would have been done about it KWIM?

 

My dh had to have similar conversations with my MIL regarding boundaries -- we even had to threaten to disallow all visits if she couldn't stop contradicting and contramanding us. (she's much better, now -- far from perfect, but much better).

[Desert Rat]

Yep, there isn't much you can do with a person like that. I've been baited into a few of those arguments myself but luckily it isn't with the in-laws. MY in-laws won't even talk to us anymore because, well, there's lots of reasons. It does make things easier even if Christmas is a bit sad.

Anyway, I've learned to tell nosy-knowitall-Nellies that I don't discuss our academic plans with people. Of course, I LOVE talking about our academic plans and curriculum, but this just heads off frustration and hard feelings. Then I quickly bring up something about them. Works like a charm.

Hang in there. I know how hard it can be!

[FlockOfSillies]

http://kitchentablemath.blogspot.com/2008/08/hilarious-argument-for-school-choice.html

[Pajama Mama]

Still her job is oooohhh so much more difficult that she can't possibly be expected to teach "All" the kids.

.

 

I actually spit out my coffee laughing at this part. Wow. Give up and accept that you can't win her over.

 

My MIL used to say we were "ruining our kids lives". Fast forward a few years, and she's one of our biggest fans. Who knows? Maybe it could happen in your case as well? Or not:glare:

[Julie in Monterey]

When my MIL used to pull some of that, it seemed to have something to do with her lack of true understanding of the nuts and bolts of why we have chosen to home school and how.

 

Those conversations never went well. I think we both ended up frustrated and unsatisfied how they went. At some point in my years of lurking here on these boards, I read some sound advice. Once I realized her intrusiveness was out of love and concern and that I didn't need to defend our choice to home school our children, *I* was able to have a non emotional conversation about the topic. Basically, I said if she wanted to have a real conversation about the pro's and con's of home schooling, why we've chosen it and the method of teaching we've decided upon that I would be happy to lend her my copy of The Well Trained Mind. I explained that it would explain so much that I had been trying to explain. By golly, it took her forever to do it and many gentle reminders from dh and I (it was our version of pass the bean dip). She read it, and got it. Since that time, she's purchased her own copy. Also, it's been several years now and she sees the proof in the pudding in regards to how the kids are thriving at home. I'm not saying this would solve your problems.

 

It did help me to realize that all the questions and drilling were from a place of love and concern. Dh has several times had to remind my MIL that these are our children and that she had her chance to make the choices with her own children and that her job is to support us in our choices. This occasional chat from my husband helps so much. We always tell her we love that she is concerned about our children's future. We also tell her, she is more than welcome to contribute by paying for piano lessons or enrollment with the local theater company, or helping with soccer fees to give our children even more opportunities.

 

Hang in there. Breathe, breathe and know that you don't need her approval. You are giving your children a beautiful gift by home schooling them. That is all that counts.

 

Peace,

 

Julie in Monterey

[Kris]

I thank my lucky stars that my MIL doesn't speak English and that I don't speak German.

 

I'm thanking my lucky stars that I don't *have* a MIL!

[threetreasurs]

My MIL was persuaded over time but not by anything I said. Eventually, she noticed that the kids were normal even though they were homeschooled.:D

[nitascool]

My MIL was persuaded over time but not by anything I said. Eventually, she noticed that the kids were normal even though they were homeschooled.:D

 

LOL If only that would work. My children are not even close to normal sometimes even weird. (Of chores as their parents we don't mind.) I keep trying to tell her that would be the case even if they were ps'ed because of their very abnormal parents DNA.

 

Last night she told dh that we were "brainwashing" our children to be intellects just like their mom and dad. When he told me that.... I spit out my pop I was laughing so hard. We are far from "intelects".

[mcconnellboys]

I feel like I've just attended the Mad Hatter's tea party - all change! My dear, you simply can not reason with someone who has no reasoning ability...... Why try?

[mommaduck]

And even if we all are "intellects"...it's the "intellects" that rule the world *mwhuhahaha* What is wrong with having intelligent kids...not all kids are cut out to be the next greatest ball player or some skinny/busty cheerleader (no cuts to those that are cheerleaders; I wanted to be one once also LOL!).

[Linda...inOwasso]

Okay Nita.... I'll try to put a positive spin on this (hopefully without angering you). Your siggy reads in part, "Wife of one great man." So, at the very least, your MIL has raised one great man and you are benefitting greatly from her job well done. Lucky you!!

 

Second, I would let MIL's son discuss homeschooling with her if it's to be discussed at all. Why should you be the one to engage her? She's his mother. I would develop a standard reply such as "I appreciate your concern; however, your son and I have decided this is the best decision for our family." PERIOD. END OF STATEMENT.

 

Take yourself out of the middle and let DH and MIL deal directly with one another. You will be the happier for it! :)